ANOTHER LOOK AT STARGATE UNIVERSE

First, before I begin, I just want to say that, as I type this, I am listening to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance and loving it.

I haven’t decided yet if the images she crafts are parody and/or satire.  However, even if her visual marketing is a bit repulsive, her music is unexpectedly very good.

Second, I want to mention Sarah Palin.

Her mere mention in this blog boosts my traffic tremendously.  Palin is at the heart of many google searches that lead the hapless, and unsuspecting, Internet surfer to this page – second only to searches for smiley faces.

Don’t ask me why, but thousands upon thousands of you out there access this blog using terms like “smiley,” “smiley face,” “smily face,” “evil smiley” and “evil smiley face.” If you are reading this, then the odds are you got here looking for an evil smiley face.

As for you who out there who found my page using google searches centering on Sarah Palin – and there are more of you every day –  please take my word for it that you won’t find any nude pictures of Palin here.

Not "nude" per se.

Nor will you find any photos or discussions or any jokes even remotely related to any of the following apparently popular search terms:

Sarah Palin feet

Sarah Palin feets

Sarah Palin shoes

Sarah Palin Girl Scout

Sarah Palin Girl Scout Hat

Sarah Palin bullet bra

Sarah Palin donkey

Sarah Palin naughty nurse

Sarah Palin dog collar

Sarah Palin smoking

Sarah Palin smoking cigarettes

Sarah Palin cheerleader

Sarah Palin cheer leader

Sarah Palin dominatrix

Sarah Palin dominetrix

Sarah Palin dominutrix

Sarah Palin Navajo sweat lodge

Sarah Palin sweet lodge

Sarah Palin colonoscopy

Sarah Palin nasal passage

Sarah Palin sexy

Sarah Palin sexy cyborg

These are not all of the search terms related to Sarah Palin that have lead people to this blog, but they are some of the most troubling ones.

Who are you people? Do you live anywhere near me? Because if you do, I am moving the hell away.  ”Sarah Palin nasal passage?” “Sarah Palin sexy cyborg?”  What on earth is going on?  Are you out of your piggy little minds?

Look, let’s cut to the chase: if photos of anything even remotely related to any of those search terms existed, then I would have posted them. But there aren’t any – at least not yet.  I fully expect that, once her political star sinks, as it surely will, she will attempt to cash in on her name and reignite her celebrity by “accidentally” posting a sex tape or nude pics the way Carrie Prejean did.

Just jam-packed with irony, both actual and potential.

The lure of easy money is the greatest weakness from which white trash suffers.

Just oozing with greed and white trash hubris.

I am utterly convinced that the continuing revelations about Carrie Prejean’s multiple sex tapes (self-shot) and porno pics are part of a liberal conspiracy to discredit attractive but stupid right wing ultra Christian women who hate homosexuals.

But I digress.  I am really here to talk about Stargate Universe. I am a new participant on a blog hosted by the Brisbane Times and authored by John Birmingham, author of Without Warning and the Axis of Time series – all of which I enjoyed, have reread and highly recommend.

A really good read.

John’s blog is called The Geek and you can find it by going here. The Geek is devoted to issues designed to appeal to everyone’s inner nerd – i.e., questions centering on computers, technology and, lately, science fiction.  If you want to see what the Geek is all about, just sample the sparkling discussion by clicking here.

John Birmingham and premier tech geek and author, Orin Thomas.

Most recently in the Geek the Geek John has expressed his appreciation for Stargate Universe, a new series on the SyFi cable network.  Thus far I’ve based my criticism on the show’s lack of sexy space chicks.

Not appearing on Stargate Universe

.

Also not appearing on Stargate Universe

But John’s recent opinion, the comments from some of his regular visitors, and the undeniable fact that the last SG-U episode was really very good, has forced me to get serious and explain why I am critical of the show.  What follows expands on the comment I left at the Geek.

To better explain why I haven’t liked SG-U until this last episode requires a short history of popular science fiction. In the beginning, science fiction was part of “high culture,” written by amazingly proficient writers like Mary Shelley, Jules Verne, Edwin Abbott Abbott and H.G. Wells (“the Early Masters”).

H.G. Wells. Wrote Sci Fi to meet women.

It wasn’t even called science fiction; it was, instead, referred to as  “scientific romance.” Then, in the late 1920’s in New York City, science fiction crept into pulp magazines and became popularized.  Lots of people read it, but, as literature, it was rubbish and even the best SF writers were, compared with the Early Masters, uneducated amateur hacks. But, like circus geeks who dream of playing Carnegie Hall, these pulp fiction hacks dreamed of critical recognition.

She considered herself an artist.

This desire for critical recognition for science fiction started a slow climb towards legitimacy – which required writers to display proficiency as well as imagination. Harlan Ellison was and still is part of this effort.

Harlan was a pensive young dude.

Unlike most science fiction writers of his time, Ellison began his career writing in the mainstream. In the 1950’s he wrote about youth gangs. In the 1960’s he wrote erotica.  In the 1960’s he began selling scripts for science fiction television programs like Star Trek and The Outer Limits.  These scripts were remarkably well written (Star Trek – The City on the Edge of Forever; The Outer Limits – Demon With the Glass Hand) and stood out as perhaps the best episodes of those series, garnering legitimate critical acclaim.

Ultra cool.

In the 1970’s Ellison became one of the leaders in the movement to legitimize science fiction. His own stories injected more mature themes into the genre – resulting in critical and commercial success.  His short story A Boy and His Dog – culminating with the hero and his pet eating the heroine – was produced as a movie.

Ellison’s efforts to improve science fiction were inventive.  Way before the rest of the world became aware how language colors perception, Ellison attempted to remove the stigma associated with science fiction by insisting I be referred to only as “speculative fiction.”

Ellison was part of a movement that raised the bar on what to expect from science fiction.  These efforts brought big benefits:  over the years that followed, Sci Fi writers slowly died out and have been replaced by writers who incidentally employ science fiction concepts and constructs.  This is not a trivial change.  Writers today – such as John Birmingham – are writers first, serious about the craft of writing. Science fiction concepts and constructs are devices used to help tell the story.

Before the reform movement described above, it used to be the other way around: science fiction concepts and constructs took precedent over story. For example, more often than not, any given science fiction story focused on space ships, ray guns and, yes, space chicks.

Adolescent geek wish fulfillment realized.

The story itself was incidental to these factors. So now we come to Stargate Universe.  This new program results from the desire to legitimize science fiction and focus on story and not on ray guns or space chicks.

Not within the SG-U frame of reference.

That is SG-U’s strength, but it is also its weakness, because, in their efforts to inject real drama into science fiction, the SG-U writers and producers have forgotten who their audience is.

There is nothing wrong with well-written drama. What I saw last night on SG-U wasn’t melodramatic and wasn’t soap opera.  It was well written, well directed drama.  But those responsible for SG-U have forgotten that guys who grew up thrilled by space chicks and space battles make up SG-U’s audience.

Not a space chick, but she played one on TV.

Even the recent reinvention of Battlestar Galactica sprinkled amazing drama with the occasional amazing space battle – AND it included the occasional space chick.

That’s what kept us watching our television screens while really well written, well acted and well-directed drama took place.

Bertolt Brecht believed that literature and art should educate the viewer.  I believe that SG-U’s writers and producers are trying to educate the fan boys into appreciating drama. Or they have decided that BSG did the educating and now was the time to make the final transition from pop culture back to high culture. Either way, those responsible for SG-U were and are wrong.  The fan boys still want space battles and space chicks.  Drama is fine – especially if it is well written – but please remember who your audience is.  BSG succeeded because it emphasized story but never became dull.  You can do it, too.

Remember your audience.

.

.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: Galileo’s fingers found

Museum: Galileo’s fingers, tooth are found

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By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass.Press Reporter

40 mins ago

NEW YORK – Two fingers and a tooth removed from Galileo Galilei’s corpse in a Florentine basilica in the 18th century and given up for lost have been found again and will soon be put on display, an Italian museum director said Friday.

“We looked everywhere for those fingers and that tooth,” said Giuseppe Garibaldi, curator of the International Museum of Fingers, Toes and Teeth, in New York City.  ”Now if only we can find Galileo’s toes, then our collection will again be complete,”  Garibaldi said.

Misplaced for years, Galileo’s fingers and tooth were found by a cleaning lady in a small paper bag within the museum exhibit displaying  Michelangelo’s fingers, toes and teeth.

“Once we realized Galileo’s fingers, toes and almost all of his teeth were missing, we snapped into action,” said  Frankie “Nine Fingers” Tartaglia, museum janitor and part time anthropologist. “We even looked through the fingers, toes and teeth of other famous people,  like Richard Nixon, Albert Einstein – even Milton Berle. This museum has some of the fingers, toes and/or teeth from everybody who was anybody.  So you can imagine our chagrin when Galileo’s toes, fingers and one of his teeth went missing,”  Tartaglia said.

“We will be more careful this time,” Garibaldi said.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gRS62d-Qje8wzCER846eqN6krsOwD9C3GVCO0

Space Chicks Speaking German

 

 

It’s hypnotic….

 

DEEP THOUGHTS: UPON MY MORTALITY

[Reprinted with permission of the Sacramento Valley Mirror, where this article first appeared.]

As some of you may have noticed, this column has been missing from you local newspaper for the last few months.  Let me tell you why.

I’ve spent my time away trying to put my life in perspective.  I am at that age when the days ahead are fated to be fewer than the days behind.

Younger men don’t worry about time running out.  Boys are always blind to their own mortality and, as a consequence, they rarely think ahead.  Deep down, young men just don’t believe they are ever going to die, and so they live from day to day, moment to moment. They drive fast, live fast, and – like my son – waste huge amounts of time playing video games instead of looking for a job.

But the older a man get, the more he begins to see the world differently.  He tends to begin slowing down when he drives because he knows how easy and suddenly it can all end.  And, more often than not, he begins leaving the turn signal on.

And even if he remembers to turn the turn signal off, he cannot help but realize his time on this earth is limited.  He begins to see himself as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, trapped in the Wicked Witch’s castle as the sands within the big hourglass slowly run out.

Okay, not exactly like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  Older men don’t see themselves as teenage girls.  Some may, but I truly believe that most do not.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with it.  If a guy wants to be a teenage girl from Kansas that’s his business.  But, if so, I certainly hope he keeps it to himself.  Don’t ask, don’t tell. That’s my motto when it comes to such things.

The less said about it the better.

I admit I am being a bit selfish in not wanting to hear about any Dorothy fantasies, but I have enough problems dealing with a sudden sense of encroaching mortality to manage the social awkwardness that would surely follow if any guy I know tells me in confidence that he wishes he was a girl from Kansas who befriended a talking scare crow, a lion and a tin woodsman, whatever that is.  I mean, really, what IS a tin woodsman?  Ever see one?  Not me.

But I digress.  The point is that the older a man gets, the more he sees the days of his life as sands running through an hourglass.  And that is what happened to me.

So as I enter the last phase of my time on this planet, I spent some of that time reevaluating how I spend my time.  After careful reflection, I concluded I use my time poorly – especially the time I spend writing.

Most of what I write is, in all honesty, kind of silly.  For example, just look at my most recent article about homosexuals. Who really cares which homosexuals I favor and which ones I disapprove of – like that awful Rosie O’Donnell?  I mean, seriously, Rosie O’Donnell’s celebrity and resulting wealth is proof that there is something fundamentally wrong with the universe.

Rosie O’Donnell’s mere existence causes me to ask questions I never, ever asked before. Every time I see or hear Rosie O’Donnell I ask myself “what kind of a God would shape reality to include Rosie O’Donnell?  Can a truly loving God do such a thing?  And if so, why?  Why would the Ruler of the Universe say to himself  “I, the Creator of Everything, the Prime Mover, have decided to begin a chain of events that will result in the rise of a really, really annoying lesbian who will, in addition to being fat will also be a slob, and yea, verily, she will have her own talk show.”

I just can’t accept that God would do such a thing. The very concept of Rosie O’Donnell has upset me so much that, out of spiritual desperation, I consulted with my priest, Father Stavros.  I asked him “Father, if God loves us so, why did God send Rosie O’Donnell to live among us?”

Father Stavros is a wise, old man with a long beard and a funny hat.  Well, it looks funny if you aren’t Greek Orthodox.  To us, it looks fine.  But, to those of different faiths, the hats Greek priests wear can look sort of weird and their names can be difficult to pronounce.  I knew a priest named Father Papahartogeorgoudisfylakakopoulos. I felt bad for the guy.

Father Papahartogeorgoudisfylakakopoulos

Well, Father Stavros (who’s last name is thankfully easy to pronounce) listened to me and then said “maybe God put Rosie O’Donnell on earth to test the faithful.”

 

 

 

 

But I digress.  The point I am trying to make is that I have spent the last few months reevaluating my life, and have decided that, if I am going to continue writing this column, I need to concentrate on more important things.  Our world and our nation are facing dark times.  I want to make a difference.

So get ready, People of Earth, for the greatest and most meaningful series of articles you have ever experienced.

I will begin by exploring the hidden wonders and important parables for our times revealed through professional Mexican wrestling.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: Burqas not welcomed in France

Sarkozy: No Place for Burqas in France

French President Nicolas Sarkozy

By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass.Press Reporter

PARIS (Nov. 17) — French President Nicolas Sarkozy says there is no place for full face and body veils such as the burqa, or for the debasement of women, in France.

“Becoming French means adhering to a form of civilization, to values, to morals,” Sarkozy said.

Sarkozy said Thursday during a speech on national identity that “France is a country where there is no place for the burqa.”

“However,” the French President continued, “we are totally in favor of hot women wearing exciting underwear.”

“There is definitely a place for sexy lingerie in France,” Sarkozy concluded.

 

President Nicolas Sarkozy and a hot French babe. So she slept with Mick Jagger. So what?

What would Sarkozy think about this?

 

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: Lawyer: Accused Fort Hood gunman may be paralyzed

Alleged Ft. Hood gunman Maj. Nidal Hasan paralyzed and may never walk again, lawyer says

BY Rhappi Kanasta
ASS.PRESS NEWS STAFF WRITER

Friday, November 13th 2009, 11:38 AM

May never walk again, his lawyer said.

The accused Fort Hood gunman is paralyzed and likely will never be able walk again, his lawyer said Friday.  Attorney John Douchebag said Maj. Nidal Hasan’s medical condition remains “extremely serious” and “it appears he won’t be able to walk in the future.”

“OMG!” said no one in particular, Senior Fellow at no institution of higher learning whatsoever. “That poor murderer of 13 soldiers! He may not be able to walk to the gas chamber!  We must make sure he can be carried or wheeled there!”

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES (I swear, this headline is real)

Irish priest kidnapped in Philippines released by MILF

 

Rev. Michael Sinnott, a 79-year-old Irish Catholic priest abducted in the Southern Philippines a month ago, is escorted to his flight to Manila following his release early Thursday.  Al Jacinto/AP

By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass.Press Reporter

A 46 year old mother of two (MILF), released an elderly Irish priest late on Wednesday night after holding him in captivity for 32 days. Father Michael Sinnott had worked in the Philippines for nearly 33 years when Ms. Helen Smith, recently divorced,  kidnapped him from a gated compound in Pagadian City on Oct. 11. He was released into the custody of  government authorities on Thursday morning.

“I just thought he was SO cute,” said the still smoking-hot sexually attractive Smith at a press conferenced called to announce her decision to release Father Michael.

Re:  http://www.csmonitor.com/2009/1112/p99s01-duts.html

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: Shooter Tried to Join al Qaeda

By Rhappi Kanasta

Sacramento, Nov. 10 (Ass.Press) – On Monday, ABC News reported that accused Fort Hood shooter Major Nidal Malik Hasan attempted to join al Qaeda prior to going on his bloody rampage.

Al Qaeda did not denounce Maj. Hasan, but was quick to distance itself from Hasan by providing the following rejection letter as proof of al Queda’s lack of involvement:

Dear Maj Malik Hasan:

Thank you for your interest in the joining al Qaeda. We enjoyed reviewing your application very much and passed it around to many people for review. We especially enjoyed the photos you included with your cover letter.

While we were impressed with your background and experience and appreciate your hatred for America, we have concluded that other candidates’ qualifications more closely match our requirements.   We sincerely regret that we cannot offer you employment with our organization at this time.

You have our best wishes for success in locating the career opportunity you deserve.  We will retain your resume in our files to review for future openings for up to six months.  In the event of an appropriate available position as a psychotic killer and/or suicide bomber, we will not hesitate to contact you.  We have many cell phones with pre-paid minutes that we can use, and even though our current location is somewhat remote, our cell phone reception is excellent.

We appreciate your interest and the time you have invested in seeking a position with Al Qaeda.

Very truly yours,

Abu Salla

Human Resources

PS – Although we appreciate your efforts to assist us, we are returning your CD containing your recording of a proposed Al Qaeda theme song.  Although the tune was, indeed, catchy, very singable, and would inspire fear in the hearts of those who serve the Great Satan, we nevertheless believe the music itself is derivative of the theme to the American children’s cartoon “Rocky and Bulwinkle.” We are currently fighting a grim guerilla war against the imperial Crusader and we do not wish to become entangled in protracted – and expensive – copyright litigation at this time.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: Prized mushroom collection returns to China

Ass.Press

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By RHAPPI KANASTA (Ass.Press) – 3 hours ago

BEIJING — Shu Chun Teng, a Chinese scholar persecuted during the Cultural Revolution for smuggling a rare collection of mushrooms out of China before World War II, was honored Saturday when the collection was returned more than 70 years later.

“Now, at long last, this wonderful mushroom collection can finally be eaten,” said Ting Ho, Chairman of the Chinese Ministry of Culture and mushroom enthusiast. “Look at that big one,” Ho said, pointing at a dried morel. “That one has my name written all over it.”

During the Japanese invasion in 1937, Teng arranged for his best mushroom specimens to be removed from a national botany institute he directed to save them from destruction. During World War II, they were smuggled by ox cart to Indochina and then by sea to the United States.

Teng’s daughter, Deng Yi, said she hoped she would share in the official orgy of mushroom eating that would follow the ceremony honoring her father.

I CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT STARGATE UNIVERSE

I know I’ve been fairly critical of Stargate Universe.

 

I’ve complained about how it is too much soap opera

 

and not enough space opera.

 

 

but…

I am watching the latest episode of SG-U and I just got to the part where that guy from the spaceship switched bodies with the Lou Diamond Philips character and went back to his wife and she took him back and they were getting busy and then the body transfer reversed for a moment and that guy from the spaceship was back on board the spaceship and the Lou Diamond Philips guy was under the other guys wife and then the body transfer kicked back in and the first guy was under his wife again – and his wife was acting like she never got it that way before – which has to make her husband (the guy from the spaceship) fell a bit awkward – and the Lou Diamond Philips guy was back on on earth and asks “what the hell just happened?”

 

The Lou Diamond Philips character.

 

 

It was great!  I love this show now!

And there is even a chance fat nerd may score with the Senator’s drunk daughter!

 

The dead Senator's daughter.

 

 

 

The fat guy and an asian chick.

 

 

It’s back on. Gotta run-

MISSING BABY FOUND

Little Shannon Dedrick’s disappearance caught the world’s attention.

7 month old Shannon Dedrick

The world breathed a collective sigh of relief when, today, Shannon was found in a box under the bed of her baby sitter – who had apparently abducted the infant.

I am glad the ordeal is over for Shannon’s parents, but someone has to point out that their child is an alien.

That isn't drool.

Little Shannon is clearly a human/alien hybrid.  I am the last person on this or any world to so much as imply that there is anything wrong with that.  At one time some stygma might have attached to parents who gave birth to an alien baby, but recent high profile celebrity adoptions have removed much of that stygma.

As a consequence, caring for an alien baby has become quite fashionable.

Shannon’s parents must realize that raising a human/alien hybrid is a challenging, but ultimately rewarding endeavor.

Every child is a special gift from God.

For example, Shannon’s remarkably large head indicates that she will be telepathic.

Knows what you are thinking.

Telepathic children are unusually challenging because they know when daddy says “no” that he really means “yes” and when mommy says “just wait until your father gets home!” mommy really doesn’t mean it.

Nothing but trouble

As an alien/human hybrid, little Shannon is likely to develop the skill to levitate.

Extra care is required.

Like telepathy, the ability to levitate will be a job skill that employers will appreciate, but in the beginning, the parent of an alien/human hybrid must exercise extra care, such as making sure windows are closed at all times.

Not good.

So, we are all glad baby Shannon is back, but her parents need to pay attention to her special qualities.

 

UPDATE: THE NEXT WAR

Has anyone else noticed that the United States is actively – although quietly – preparing to support an Israeli airstrike against Iran?  The signs are unmistakable. The US and Israel are conducting joint military exercises (Operation Juniper Cobra) they both claim are routine but are unprecedented in scope and scale.

Even more telling, the Obama administration has quietly taken the preliminary steps necessary to tap into the US Strategic Petroleum reserve.

I think time has run out for Iran.

What, me worry?

 

04-11-09 UPDATE:

JERUSALEM — Israeli commandos seized a ship Wednesday that defense officials said was carrying more than 60 tons of missiles, rockets and anti-tank weapons bound for Lebanon’s Iranian-backed Hezbollah guerrillas.

JERUSALEM, Nov. 4 (UPI) — Hamas has smuggled scores of long-range Iranian missiles into Gaza and tested a missile that can hit Tel Aviv, a top Israeli military intelligence officer said.

HALLOWEEN AT MY PLACE

Culturally speaking, the United States has contributed two things to the world – popular barbecue and Halloween.

Why not both at the same time?

By “popular” I mean widespread.  No people on earth have popularized cooking outdoors over live fire the way we Americans have. For a more serious discussion, please to to   http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/opinion/blogs/blunt-instrument/flame-me-if-you-will-but-we-suck-at-grills/20091028-hkr7.html.

Considered good eating in Perth.

By “Halloween” I mean an unabashed annual celebration of the spooky.

Other cultures celebrate death.  They do it in China. They do it in Mexico.  But those celebrations are essentially spiritual and/or religious.  But not Halloween.  Halloween has nothing to do with the spiritual. It has nothing to do with religion.  It has everything to do with fun.

Every year on October 31st – when the wall between the worlds is thinnest and most easily crossed – kids and adults dress up in costumes and, when it get s dark, they go door to door essentially begging for candy – which they receive in large, monstrous handfuls.

This completely non religious festival is becoming part of the international scene.  American style Halloween is now celebrated all over the world.

Halloween in Costa Rica

Halloween in Singapore

My favorite expression of this spread is Sandra’s haunted balcony in Hamburg, Germany.

It makes sense that the Germans in particular would embrace Halloween.

 

Admirable Teutonic exuberance.

 

 

But I digress.  I am here to tell you – to show you – what Halloween is like here in Northern California in the small town where I live.

For me Halloween began with a knock on my door early in the morning.  My neighbor and his son came by to ask is they could install a portal into a dimension of evil in my front yard.  My lawn was destroyed when my home was remodeled, so I figured, heck, when would there be a better time to have a portal into a dimension of evil installed in my front yard?

A hole was dug.

The device was installed.

While my neighbors tinkered with the field densities between the universes, a flock of wild turkeys strolled down my street foraging and decided to spend some time on a roof at the end of the block.

It was a good omen.

I decided to carve a pumpkin, but the pumpkin bin at my local market was somewhat bare with slim pickings left.

Nevertheless, I was able to find a reasonably decent pumpkin and was able to exercise the minimal artistic talent every American is born with and which is useful only for carving faces in pumpkins.

The dirt from the hole that housed the portal into the dimension of evil made a couple of fine impromptu graves.

All we had to do was wait for darkness and some unsuspecting Trick or Treaters.

Actual Trick or Treaters who came to my door.

I went out and bought candy to give away to the little boys and gouls who would come to my door that evening.

In addition to the usual treats, I included in my selection the very finest fake glow in the dark sour worms I could find.

The perfect Halloween treat.

And then it was time to get our collective freak on.

The device in my front yard worked nicely.  I had a switch inside the house that triggered the device whenever someone rang the door bell, causing much shouting and the occasional scream.

It was a most satisfying Halloween.  But I’m beginning to wonder if that portal is going to harm the value of my property.

BACK FROM FRANCE

 

Yeah, I’m back.  I saw a lot of picturesque streets.

 

 

I saw a lot of skinny French women.

 

 

I was sometimes confronted by the bizarre and inexplicable.

 

 

I spent time with some dear, old friends.

 

 

And I spent a lot of time digesting food and assimilating drink.

 

 

But right now I am severely jet lagged and need to go to sleep.

More later.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: Gosselin Kids ‘Wailing and Sobbing’ Now That Cameras Are Gone

Source: The Ass. Press

Posted: 10/21/09 19:15AM

Filed Under: News

Kate Gosselin’s children are “angry” and “acting out,” because their TLC show “Jon & Kate Plus 8′ (renamed ‘Kate Plus 8′) was shutting down because Jon Gosselin, the children’s father, believes the show is  harming his children.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, Kate described how much her kids enjoy being filmed 24 hours a day, every day.  ”They love our crew, they love the interaction, they love the events. There is nothing harmful about it. They are angry.”

“We want the cameras back!” wailed five year old Hannah, one of a set of sextuplets born on May 10, 2004. “I can’t sleep without the lights and crew activity! I just made a breakthrough with my therapist, and for what? Now I have to start all over again!” she sobbed.

“This is all daddy’s fault!” screamed little Cara, known by millions for her adorable smile. “He willfully breached the original contract, thereby depriving the family of the benefit of the bargain. I hope mommy can obtain injunctive relief,” Cara said, before smiling adorably.

“The gaffer was going to show me where babies come from!” noted nine year old Madelyn.

Ass. Press has obtained a transcript of Kate Gosselin telling her children that the show has been placed on hold:

“Gather ‘round, kids. Hannah, get that out of your mouth; you don’t know where it’s been.  Kids, I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is that the nice and very handsome judge ordered your good for nothing, cheating, stupid, smelly father to give back the money he stole from you and mommie.  The bad news is that all of the nice camera people and show people with the candy and the toys are going away because you daddy doesn’t love you. Thats right. Your daddy doesn’t love you and he took a gun and tried to shoot the nice people with the candy and toys. Alexis, stop crying; I said stop crying you little bitch.  Mommy’s had a bad day meeting with producers and attorneys and hair stylists and fashion consultants and astrologers and she need just a little support right now, okay? But it’s okay to be mad. You can be mad all you want at daddy for leaving you and ruining eveything I worked so hard for. Did you know your daddy is sleeping with a teenager? And that he takes drugs?  And that he comes here at night when we are all fast asleep and steals your toys so he can give them to other boys and girls he likes better than you? So the next time I hear you cring for your daddy or saying that you miss him I want you to remember – and I’m talking to you, Collin – I want you to remember that your daddy hates you and that he ruined a multi million dollar, multi-year deal. Okay? Now go be mad for the cameras like to I showed you.”

Last week TLC filed a lawsuit in Maryland seeking damages from Jon Gosselin for failing to do what he is told. “Look, all he had to do was put up with her abuse for a while,” said a Hollywood insider on the condition of confidentiality. “So it was a failed marriage. So the show put his kids in a fishbowl of nonstop publicity. So what?  All he had to do was keep looking stupid and let her bitch at him on camera and everyone would get rich.  But noooooo, the moron couldn’t do it.  He totally screwed the pooch,” the insider concluded.

Ted Himmel, who represents Nala, the Gosselin family dog, denied any improper relationship between Nala and Jon Gosselin. “Although Mr. Gosselin has been commonly referred to as Nala’s ‘master’ and her ‘owner’ it would be a mistake to imply any kind of D/s or BDSM relationship between my client and Mr. Gosselin, said Himmel.

Nala is currently negotiating with TLC to be the subject of a reality show tentatively entitled “Nala Gosselin: Life After Jon.”  Himmel was quick to point out that Nala’s relationship with Jon had nothing to do with the breakdown of Jon and Kate’s marriage and pending divorce.

TLC is currently negotiating with Jon Gosselin to host a new reality show tentatively entitled “Jon Gosselin’s New York City Bachelor Sex Pad.”

COMING HOME

For me the internet is a strange thing I am still not quite sure I like. Because I have cultivated a cyber beachhead reaching into the world wide web, people all over the world know that I am, yet again, in France playing the role of Professeur Boylan, drinking great wine, eating great food, enjoying great company and – somewhat as an afterthought at least and an excuse at most – corrupting young minds with worries of the looming New Cold War and the long term implications of the Franco-Russian agreement whereby a Russian company will assume the responsibility of disposing of French nuclear waste (or “nuclear bonus material” as so many of my friends in the nuclear energy industry prefer to call it).

The fact that thousands of people – both good, bad and indifferent (actually, if there are three categories, I am not sure “both” applies) – know these specific details about me and my life trouble me in ways and for reasons I cannot articulate, primarily because I am drunk, and I find it is often difficult to articulate fine, if not dicey, concepts when sufficienly drunk

ssssssssssssfffffffffffffffffffflllllllllllllllllllllllllllgggggggggggggggggggggg

[ brackets]

But I digress.  The point of all of this is that I don’t really want to be here. I don’t mean to sound like an ingrate, but I am homesick and want to go home. At the very moment I am finally comfortable typing on this damed European/French keyboard, I can think of nothing but home.

John Mcleod is credited with first saying “home is where the heart is.”  I don’t like McLeod because his last name sounds Scottish and, as evey decent, God fearing white person knows, the Scotts – as a race – are cheap. And the men  wear these dresses they call “kilts” but, hey, a dress by any other name would be just as gay, if you get my drift. And they talk funny. I don’t mean funny in a “ha ha” sense; I mean funny in a “hmmmm…” sense – if you get my drift.

But I digress.  If home is where the heart is, then my home is with my wife and son. I miss them and I want to go home.

I have three more classes to teach. Then I drive to Paris; visit the Louvre, spend the night in my favorite hotel (the identify of which I keep secret for security reasons) and then fly home.

After I’ve recovered from jet lag (don’t laugh: it is really a horrible ordeal for me) I’ll post some pics from my trip and a couple of essays.  I especially want to write about how the French are “managing” their Muslim minority and the global supremacy of (skinny) French women.  They really have “pulled a fast one” (as we quaint Americans are want to say) on the world.

DISAPPOINTED IN OBAMA’S NOBEL PRIZE

I’m a little ticked-off it wasn’t awarded to me.

WHY I TEACH (IN FRANCE)

As many of you know, I am more than just an attorney.

In addition to being an amateur gas dynamics engineer, cheese fermentation expert and an antique podiatry tool enthusiast, once a year I travel to France to teach negotiations to law and business students at the University of Poitiers.  I am leaving at the end of this week to do it again.

On first impression, it seems like a bad idea.  It takes a few weeks to prepare my lectures.  My classes last two weeks. Together, this means I must put my legal practice on hold for a month or more.  The University of Poitiers pays me a little for my efforts, but it doesn’t make up for the income I lose during that month.

 

In addition to an income drop, I feel a profound sense of isolation when I am in France.

I don’t speak much French (my students are from all over the world and my classes are taught in English).  Poitiers is off the beaten path for English speaking people, which means that, for the most part, my time in France is very lonely. Sometimes I find myself asking directions to destinations I know just for the interaction.

 

"Excuse me, Miss, but I cannot locate the train station on my map."

 

And then there is the weight problem.  Every time I teach in France, I come home weighing 10 pounds more.

 

French food tastes great and, frankly, when I am there I eat a lot of it.

Especially this.

So why do I do it? Why not teach closer to home and avoid loneliness, jet lag, weight gain and income loss?  Well, I tried that but I didn’t like it very much because my American law students were just too darned lazy.

The L1 class I taught at Harvard

Over these years I’ve experimented with many teaching methods.  I’ve discovered that the best way to teach negotiations is through lectures combined with exercises where groups of students practice negotiating.  This method works extremely well to teach negotiations theory and practice.  However, my American students constantly complained about it. They grumbled about the effort the exercises require and repeatedly asked: “why don’t you just give us the answers?”

None of my foreign law or business students ever asked for easy answers. None of them ever complained about the amount of effort it takes to learn how to negotiate effectively.  All of them are in class on time and participate enthusiastically – and they do it in a foreign language: English.  A big reason why I go to France to teach – and am willing to experience sleep deprivation, weigh-gain, income loss and isolation – is because I prefer teaching non-American students.  I wish it weren’t true, but they are just better students.

There is another reason why I travel so far to teach. I believe that the American Empire is in decline. In addition to being an amateur gas dynamics engineer, cheese fermentation expert, antique podiatry tool enthusiast and a teacher, I am also a student of history – and history shows that the great empires of the world declined and atrophied when their governments became so corrupt that they became unable to solve even simple problems.  It happened to Imperial Persia. It happened to Imperial Rome. It happened to Imperial China. It happened to Imperial Brittan.

And it is happening to us.  Lobbyists for special interests are so influential that our local, regional and national elected officials cannot get anything meaningful done.  For example, there is no question that our health care system needs fixing. We spend more for less than even some Third World nations. But there is no chance our health care system will be fixed because there are too many people making money off of the system, and they are using this money – billions and billions of dollars – to pay lobbyists to buy politicians who work hard to keep thing exactly the way they are.

The same is true for any number of important, pressing problems. Name it: if it is important and pressing, nothing will be done about it.  There will be plenty of talk and maybe a law or two will be enacted, but nothing will change and the problem will definitely not be remedied. Our political system is corrupt, the corruption cannot be fixed, and so we have no chance of effectively solving the important problems facing our nation.  Our standard of living is falling. Our international power is slowly slipping away.

However, where we are falling, I believe that Europe (yes, those cheese eating, surrender monkeys) is rising.  I am included in the faculty of one of the oldest and best universities in Europe.  My students will be decision makers in business, law and government. In my own small way, I am trying to influence these new Masters of the Earth.  When they are voting on treaties and drafting trade agreements that will affect American lives, I want them to remember Professor Boylan and, hopefully, judge Americans more kindly than they would have if not for my example.

I realize this sounds simplistic, even hubristic, probably illusory. But it is why I do it.

And so, once again, I will be tolerating the many indignities of international travel.

I will rent a car in Paris and make the 3 hour drive down the A-10 past Orleans, past Tours to Poitiers. That night I will have dinner (salad, duck, a glass of wine and profiteroles for dessert) at Le Serrurier, my favorite café.

Let the weight gain begin.

“YOU LIE!”

JOE WILSON AND THE AMERICAN WAY

I want to talk to you about Joe Wilson, the guy who heckled Barak Obama by yelling “you lie!” when the president was addressing a joint session of congress.

He looks retarded, but he is more than that.

The liberal media has expressed extreme outrage over this incident, accusing Wilson of being everything from a boorish idiot to a racist.

Victim of the liberal media

Don’t let that outrage fool you. What Wilson did is no big deal – especially when viewed through the lens of American history.  A congressman yelling “you lie!” at the president during a presentation to congress is not only a trivial event, the event itself fits well within the American traditions of political free speech.

The American Way

To begin with, allow me to remind you what it means to be an American.  More than anything else, being an American means having the constitutional right to speak your mind.  Many Americans take this important freedom for granted.  But those outside our great nation know how special and precious it is. During the great wave of immigration that took place near the beginning of the 20^th Century – the time my Greek ancestors came to this country – immigrants wrote home saying that the streets of American cities were “paved with gold.”

In a literal sense this wasn’t true.  But to people escaping tyranny, oppression and poverty, the freedoms and opportunities that came with merely walking on American soil were priceless.  Where they came from, no matter how hard they worked they could never hope for a better life for their children.  In America, men and women who are willing to work hard can shape their own futures.  In their homelands, these immigrants could be arrested and imprisoned for saying the wrong thing.  But in America they could argue in the streets and express their opinions freely.

What the liberal media wants us to forget is that the right of free speech includes the right to get angry.  When Joe Wilson interrupted the President of the United States by shouting “you lie!” Citizen Joe was merely exercising his rights as an American and was taking part in a tradition that spans our nation’s noble history.

The American Founding Fathers were notoriously cranky, rude, angry men who openly hated each other.  Benjamin Franklin hated Thomas Paine. Thomas Paine hated George Washington. George Washington hated all French intellectuals – who, in a very real sense, gave birth to the American Revolution.

Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr hated each other so much they fought a duel – and Burr killed Hamilton with a bullet that pierced Hamilton’s liver.  Thomas Jefferson – the man given credit with drafting the American Declaration of Independence – made loud, unmistakable noises simulating flatulence – often using his hand and armpit – every time he encountered his political rival John Adams.  Adams never hesitated to accuse Jefferson of “preferring the company of young boys” and of stealing the design for the swivel chair from Nathaniel Swivel, a Boston furniture maker and brewer.

Nathaniel Swivel

As our republic grew and matured, so did the salty nature of American political discourse.  Martin Van Buren – our 8^th president – and the first American president born in the United States – won the 1832 election in a landslide.  But the Whig Party (now defunct) despised Van Buren and refused to recognize his legitimacy.  They spread rumors that he was born in Holland and that he was secretly a Quaker.

Quaker

In conjunction with this rumor campaign, the Whigs engaged in a rhetorical attack utilizing misleading vocabulary. For example, Winfield Scott – a Whig Party organizer – gave a speech in Buffalo, New York accusing Van Buren of vague charges that no one understood but everyone believed.  Scott is quoted as saying:

“In addition to the many crimes Martin Van Buren has committed against the American people as a whole – nay humanity – perhaps most disturbing, if not revolting, is the indisputable fact that Van Buren is a notorious masticator.   Reliable sources close to Van Buren – if that is his real name – confirm that he masticates at least three times a day, often in the presence of his wife. As monstrous as this may seem, Van Buren has also been known to vacillate on numerous occasions.  I put it to you that, not only is Van Buren a vacillator AND a masticator, he vacillates WHILE he masticates! The man has practiced vacillation and chronic mastication ever since he was a small child in Holland!”

These Whig tactics worked: the public turned against Van Buren, with many refusing to shake his hand for fear of where it may have been.  Whig congressmen and senators began pelting Van Buren with rotten vegetables whenever he spoke publically. The threat of violence became so pronounced that Van Buren would carry two loaded pistols whenever he addressed congress.

Packing heat

More recently, Republicans unhappy with Franklin Delano Roosevelt – a polio victim confined to a wheel chair – accused Roosevelt of being born in Norway and of secretly being a Free Mason. They would yell “cripple!” and “gimp!” during Roosevelt’s State of the Union addresses, pretending that they were sneezing.

He killed and ate this child.

So, when seen through the lens of history, Joe Wilson’s yelling, “you lie!” at Obama really isn’t very important.  It is just part of the American way.

Maybe it was tourette's.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: Ugandan gorillas join Facebook

Endangered Ugandan gorillas join Facebook, MySpace

By Rhappi Khanasta, Ass. Press Writer – Sat Sep 26, 10:53 am ET

KAMPALA, Uganda – Around 340 mountain gorillas — nearly half of the 740 remaining worldwide — have joined Facebook, Myspace and Twitter in an attempt to live it up before the end.

“I figured, what the hell?” explains M’bitah, a male silverback weighing 400 pounds (180 kilograms) who lives in Uganda’s lush Bwindi Impenetrable Forest National Park. “Maybe I can hook up with a willing female and have a little fun before I am shot, killed and eaten,” M’bitah said.

Despite their size — a male silverback can reach over 7 feet (2.1 meters) — the gorillas are threatened by poachers who kill them for meat, farmers and charcoal-burners who encroach on their habitat, and the indiscriminate bullets of rebels on the run.

“We Mountain Gorillas will probably be eaten into extinction within a year or two,” said Kampanga, a female adult mountain gorilla. “But I just got friended by five people on Facebook and 28 people responded to my tweet about scratching my stomach,” she said. “How cool is that?”

“We support efforts to include gorillas within internet based social networks,” said N’kita “Ernie” Ruzigandekwa, President and former Treasurer for the Ugandan Bush Meat Advisory Board, a nonprofit, corporate sponsored interest group that promotes eating gorillas. “The Ugandan mountain gorilla is an elusive creature that is much, much easier to sneak up on when concentrating on updating their Facebook profile,” Ruzigandekwa said.