MISERABLE IN PARADISE

HEADLINE: LIL WAYNE’S SEIZURES NOT DRUG-RELATED, BIRDMAN SAYS

MUNCIE, Indiana – Pop sensation Lil Wayne’s recent seizure was not caused by illegal drug use, said Harvey Birdman, Lil Wayne’s attorney and spokesperson.

“My client is not a drug user,” Birdman said at a press conference he called for the purpose of “clearing the air” about Lil Wayne’s seizure. “He is allergic to wheat,” Birdman explained.

Birdman ended the conference with a warning about the perils of food allergies.

 

 

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW – JOHN BOEHNER

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House of Representatives Republican Majority Leader John Boehner recently stated “Obama wants to obliterate the Republican Party.” Boehner’s complaint has inspired me to draft a fake interview where he explains why Obama needs to do anything at all to destroy the GOP when the GOP is doing a fine job of destroying itself.

I haven’t finished writing the interview yet, but I have collected together the photos I will use for illustration:

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THERE IS A REASON WHY GEORGE BUSH PAINTS HIMSELF IN THE NUDE

So I am sitting on the couch in my family room watching my son watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when I comment on the recent news articles revealing that former POTUS George Herbert Walker Bush is an accomplished painter with a penchant for painting himself in the nude.

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“You mean he stood there looking at himself in a mirror?” My son asked.

“Yes, I suppose he did,” I responded.

After a short silence my son opined:

“Well, that makes sense.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Okay, let’s say you are a former conservative Republican President who likes to paint nudes,” my son says.

“Okay,” I respond. “let’s say that.”

“Well, then your possibilities are limited,” my son concludes.

“How so?” I ask.

“Have you seen Barbara Bush?” my son asks.

“His wife?”

“Yes.”

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“Oh,” I said, granting the point.

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UPDATE:

I found out later that it is was recently revealed that it is George Bush the Younger (the one who started two long wars but didn’t pay for them and very nearly brought down the global economy), not George Bush the Elder (the one who scoffed at his critics’ complaints that he lacked foresight by referring to it as “that vision thing”) who painted and presumably still paints himself nude.

I didn’t inform my son of my error.  I value any exercise in critical thinking and, based on even invalid data his conclusion was admirable.

And it is very likely that the younger Bush paints himself nude because his daddy did it, too, and the younger Bush is competing with him artistically.

The following photo is of a painting obtained by hackers of the younger Bush’s painting efforts. It is a bit creepy because it is clearly derived from a photograph, which means George has a collaborator who takes pictures of him in the nude:

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The elder Bush was a better president (he fought Gulf War I, neutralized Saddam Hussein without creating a quagmire the US could not exit from).  The odds are the elder Bush is a better painter.

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HEADLINE – DUTCH QUEEN ABDICATES

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HEADLINE – 2 ACCIDENTALLY SHOT AT GUN SHOW

Bought a gun at a gun show without a background check.

WACO, Texas – 2 people were injured at a gun show, completely baffling gun rights activists.

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Inbred redneck gun owner contemplating the causes of gun violence.

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“It is a complete mystery to me how on earth these two people could be accidentally shot a gun show,” said Skip Henderson, gun enthusiast, misogynist, homophobe, racist and sociopath.

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Skip Anderson can buy this gun at a gun show without a background check.

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At gun shows Americans – or anyone – can purchase automatic weapons without any background check being conducted.

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“Hello, my name is Joe, and that is my real name. It is not a made up name. I am Joe. And I am interested in purchasing your AK-47 in a cash transaction. Oooo! Are those high-capacity ammunition magazine clips I see in that bag?”

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 “I bet Obama snuck in here and shot those 2 people to make gun owners look bad so that he and his Negro Army can come and take away our guns” Henderson said.

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“Guns are not responsible for these injuries and it is completely irresponsible to imply that guns have any connection to gun violence whatsoever anywhere in the world especially at a gun show,”  said Tripp Wightman, a gun rights activist,”doomsday prepper” and paranoid schizophrenic who buys guns at gun shows without any background checks and makes methane from his own excrement.

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Mentally unfit to purchase a gun, but passed a background check because no court had ever declared him mentally unfit. So, like hundreds of thousands of people who should not ever own a gun, he was allowed to purchase one. And then he went to a political rally.

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“I will shoot anyone in the head multiple times using a semi automatic weapon with a fucking huge ammo clip,” Wightman said.  “I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought.  Oh yeah, the point I am trying to make is to make it very clear that I will shoot and kill anyone who argues that gun violence – the epidemic of gun violence that is sweeping across our nation and tearing apart the fabric of our society.  Hell, it happened again. I totally lost my train of thought.”

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He purchased two hand guns, a shot gun, and a semi automatic rifle and passed all three background checks. No court had ever declared him mentally unfit. Consequently he was not in the federal database that is used to perform background checks of people buying guns.
After purchasing these guns, he went to the cinema.

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“Where was I?  Oh yeah, I will brutally murder anyone who so much as implies that guns have anything to do with gun violence or attempts in any way to improve mental health care for background checks to prevent someone like me from buying all the guns I want.  And then I will mutilate their bodies.  And if possible, I will sell the body parts – including fluids – to raise money so I can buy more guns.  That is how much I love America.  That is how much I love the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution that protects my rights to own and use weapons that are designed to kill people. Lots and lots of people.  Lots and lots of smelly, anti-American sinners who are building socialist agnostic, atheist, and Catholic robots that steal my luggage, violate my rights and infringe on my personal freedoms,”  said Wightman.

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He bought this gun at a gun show without a background check. And now he is watching your children walk to school.

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“No one loves America more than me.  Or guns,” said Wightman.  “Did I tell you that I make methane from my own poop?  I do it to stop the government from reading my thoughts.”

“The only option I will consider to remedy what is arguably an epidemic of gun related deaths in the United States is  what the NRA proposed, and that is posting armed guards in every school in the country.  But I do not want any taxpayer money to pay for it.  I want these armed guards to be volunteers.”

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Eager to volunteer.

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 ”In other words, people like me,” Wightman concluded before adjusting the aluminum foil cap covering his head.

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Gun owners are willing to kill in order to maintain unrestrained access to assault weapons and the lack of background checks for those buying automatic weapons.

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UPDATE: subsequent to the posting of this story,  5 additional people were accidentally shot at gun shows in the United States.

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PREVENTING UNWANTED GUN VIOLENCE IN SCHOOLS: A SIMPLE PROPOSAL

Prof. Trip “Trip” Tripperson-Johnson

By Prof. Trip “Trip” Tripperson-Johnson

The recent massacre of schoolchildren by an insane gunwielding lunatic has shocked the world. People everywhere are wondering what to do. They asked themselves if there is anything they actually can do.

Before people go off half cocked and do something they will regret – and I am talking about passing laws that violate every American’s God-given right to possess and use firearms – I ask that everyone step back and look at this rationally. There is no need to take guns away from anyone to solve this problem. There is a simple solution to what happened in Connecticut, a solution that does not require repressive and unconstitutional gun control legislation on either the state or the federal level.

1st, let us focus on the problem. The problem is not guns. Guns don’t kill schoolchildren. People with guns kill schoolchildren. We need to focus on who it was who killed those children in Connecticut. Let me just say right out: it was a nut case that killed those kids. A lunatic. 6 pounds of crazy in a 5 pound bag.

The average red-blooded American gun owner is not crazy.  He or she (probably he) is a responsible, God-fearing Republican who would never take a gun into a school and shoot anyone, except perhaps if his or her (probably his) constitutional rights to bear arms was threatened.

The point is we all agree that crazy people should not have guns. But we also agree that it’s impossible to keep guns out of the hands of crazy people. To insist that any kind of “standards” would infringe on the rights of responsible, God-fearing Republican Americans to buy, own and use guns.

The solution, as I said, is simple. If we want to stop lunatics from taking guns into schools and killing a lot of kids, then we should make sure that every American schoolchild is armed.

If those children in that school had been packing heat – and had been trained in the use of those firearms – that lunatic would’ve gotten off maybe 5 rounds before one of those deadeye tots took them out.

This solution works for everybody. Increased gun sales pumps money into the economy. Possessing firearms will improve the self-esteem of any child, especially little girls.

So instead of using this horrible massacre of schoolchildren as an excuse to pass liberal, socialist, communist laws to restrict the constitutional right to bear arms, let’s sell the problem and uphold the Constitution by passing laws that allow us – heck, require us – to arm our children.

 

Trip Tripperson-Johnson  is an adjunct professor of  Biblical Studies and Infomercial Science at Cal Poly Needles in California. He is the author of the acclaimed essay “ Why Slavery was Good for Black People” published in the Elders of Zion Law Journal.