MOST OF THE RUMORS ARE FALSE

 

Coming soon.

 

 

 

 

 

By Paul Nicholas Boylan,

Columnist

[Printed with permission of the Sacramento Valley Mirror, whose editor is an alien insect bent on world domination]

 

 

 

 

One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – recently wrote:

“I bet your getting a good laff  writing about me in the valley smear laff it up jew boy I heard that the departement of justise is gonna file charges against you for getting fired for lying to elected officials! ha! they are on there way to arrest you right now I heard that you are cheating on your wife with oriental illegal aliens who dont speak english we should send them back where they come from along with all the other illegal aliens who wont speak English and welfare cheats and homisexual liberals I hope your afraid because of the stuff I heard about you from reliable sorses like my neighbors and other reliable sorses like my other neighbors and other people who know things about you that they heard from reliable sorses”

Penelope’s comment highlights a growing problem: what do you do when you hear rumors, especially when you hear them from people you trust, who probably heard them from people they trust, and so on, and so on?

 

As Penelope’s email shows, there isn’t much you can do when confronted by a rumor other than spread the rumor and, if you spend most of your day on the internet, it is pretty easy to spread a rumor farther than ever possible before.  But what is an average individual supposed to do?

 

 

An ordinary person really can’t do much to verify or disprove a rumor – especially the kind that is either started or spread by anonymous people on the Internet.  I, on the other hand, am not an ordinary person.  In addition to having webbed toes, I am fortunate to be an attorney with the skills and the connections needed to round up answers and get to the bottom of things – which means I can verify rumors.

 

 

So, as a service to a community that has been very good to me, I investigated some of the more prevalent and persistent rumors currently floating around and have determined whether they are true or not. I want to start with something personal, and then go on to rumors of a more general interest.

 

Rumor No. 1:  I am Jewish.

Superficial similarities.

 

This rumor is false.  I really have no idea how it got started or why it continues to spread. People keep sending me emails arguing that the Holocaust was a “Jew plot” to discredit the Nazis. People call me to complain about Israel’s treatment of the Palestinians. Complete strangers walk up to me on the street to ask me when the next Barbara Streisand movie is coming out.

 

We all know each other.

 

To set the record straight, I am not Jewish: I am Greek Orthodox, a faith that prides itself on being the oldest continuous version of Christianity.  Despite some similarities – e.g., Greeks have big noses, are notoriously cheap, are smarter than goyum (i.e., non-Greeks) and control the media – Judaism and Greek Orthodoxy have very little in common.  And then there are the goat sacrifices – which I would rather not get into right now.

 

Hilarious at parties.

 

Rumor No. 2:  The words “Butte County” mean something obscene in Latin.

 

Knows what it means.

 

This rumor is false.  “Butte County” has no Latin meaning whatsoever.  The word “butte” is French, meaning “a small hill or mound of earth detached from any mountain range”  Coincidentally, “Butte County” mean “socially embarrassed potato” in Swahili. 

The persistent rumor that “Butte County” is a foreign obscenity can be traced to a printing accident that took place shortly after Butte County was founded in 1850.  Butte County’s first Clerk,  the legendary Earnest H. Sockmender, ordered stationery that mistakenly read “Butt County.”  The mistake wasn’t discovered until 1853 when famed actress and exotic dancer Lola Montez was performing at the Yellow Foot Saloon in Biggs.

 

Lola Montez

 

 

Rumor No. 3  Glenn County was founded by an insane polygamists wheat farmer who used a private militia to force the Colusa County Council, at gunpoint, to “let go of” the land that eventually became Glenn County.

 

The Battle for Glenn County.

This rumor is false.  Dr. Hugh J. Glenn, the prominent California wheat farmer and amateur dentist that Glenn County is named after, was not insane.

 

Rumor No. 4:  Glenn County Superintendent of Schools, Arturo Barrera, is really a woman.

 

Arturo Barrera

 

Despite my very best research and investigative efforts, I can neither confirm nor deny this rumor.  Barrera’s bodyguards – who seem to be with him 24 hours a day – make it impossible to get close enough to perform the examination necessary to either confirm or disprove the rumor. However, I’ve eaten with Arturo, and I can tell you from first hand experience that no woman can devour a bucket of fried chicken that fast or that vigorously. 

 

 

The next few rumors are relatively recent, and seem to be part of an attempt to explain why the Glenn County Superior Court decided to remodel a courtroom scheduled to be closed, and then spent more money in attorney’s fees than the remodeling cost trying to keep the remodeling details secret.

 

Rumor No. 5:  Retired Glenn County Judge St. Evans killed a guy and hid his body in the judge’s chambers man-sized closet for a time period longer than the one recommended by the Judicial Counsel. The “remodeling” was a cover story created to explain efforts to remove the evidence.

 

Don't go in their closets.

 

This rumor is false and, frankly, it offends me that anyone would repeat it.  It is simply unbelievable that any judge would kill anyone (except for those two judges in Los Angeles) and violate the Judicial Council’s standards for body storage/disposal (again, except for those same two judges in Los Angeles).   Also, hiding evidence of judicial misconduct doesn’t explain the decision to install high-tech infrared remote controlled automatic window shades.

 

Rumor 6: The Orland judge’s chambers remodeling project cost so much money because they are using the judge’s chambers to build a trans-dimensional portal that will be used by evil insectoid aliens to invade the earth.

It would look a lot like this.

 

This rumor is seductive, lulling the listener into believe it because it explains so much.  People wonder why such a large amount of money was spent to remodel a room so tiny, but a trans-dimensional portal could easily fit in that tiny space with room to spare.  The large amounts of money spent trying to keep the project details secret is also explained by the need to prevent humans from finding out about the plan before it is too late to stop it.  Even the high tech electronic automatic window shades are explainable because it is well known that insectoid alien monsters – hungry for human flesh – are notoriously light sensitive.

 

Dislikes direct sunlight.

 

However, no matter how tempting it is to believe this rumor, I cannot confirm it, and it is my firm opinion that it is probably untrue. 

In closing,  I want to say that I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords and would like to take this opportunity to remind them that, as an attorney and lobbyist, I can be helpful in rounding up others to serve as a food source during their stay on our world – and I am willing to do it at a very low hourly rate.

 

Such a deal, eh?

PALIN’S EXIT AND THE GOP RENAISSANCE

 

REBELLIOUS JEZEBELS: ATTENTION                    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Paul Nicholas Boylan,

Columnist

[Reprinted with permission of the Sacramento Valley Mirror, a small but mighty newspaper]  

One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – recently wrote:

“I bet you feel pretty smug sarah palin is leaving politics you say you are a republican but you are a lying evil atheist liberals like you that chased sarah away I’ve read what you wrote about her in the valley smear you are a liar and I have it on good authority that you do drugs and are a homosexual a confidential source told me you kill puppies just to watch them die I seen pictures proving it I plan on posting them on the internet so the world can know you are an evil drug using homosexual Puppy killer another confidential source told me that you dial 411 to get phone numbers you could easily find on the internet or look up in the phone book I spend all day on the internet so I know more than you do you drug using gay Puppy killing information dialing jew liberal loser”

 

Penelope

 

Cette femme – ou homme – a je ne sais qua.  Penelope, I do not feel smug about Sarah Palin’s recent resignation as Alaska’s governor.  I am ecstatic.  Palin’s resignation is the best news I’ve heard in a very long time. 

 

They agree.

 

Let’s be clear: Palin’s resignation does not mean that she is leaving the national spotlight.  She resigned because she wants to avoid ethical challenges and because she wants to make money – lots and lots of money.  

 

She may be an idiot, but she is no fool.

 

But Sarah’s personal motives and goals do not concern me.  I am, instead, concerned with how the GOP responds to what may be our last chance to regain what we lost over the last 25 years.  I am thrilled that Palin resigned and the weird way she did it, but I am also worried that my fellow conservatives will squander what may be our last and best chance to restore the moral and intellectual honesty we need to regain the trust of the American people and win back hearts and minds that were instantly lost the moment John McCain chose Palin as his running mate.

 

Former Republicans

 

If you consider yourself a liberal or identify with the Democrats, please stop reading.  Go watch MSNBC.  Do something to save the planet.  Just keep out of my way.

 

 

 I have no interest in explaining myself to you.  I am, instead, interested in reaching out to conservative Republicans who, like me, have helplessly watched the GOP commit political suicide and want to do something to fix what is broken.  Palin’s exit presents us with a huge opportunity to take the GOP back from the forces of ignorance and darkness that drove conservatives like you and me to supported Barak Obama only because what McCain/Palin offered was too horrible to contemplate.

 

 

We can restore the GOP, but to do that, we must first remember our roots.

The GOP has always been the party of conservative reason and reality, tempering the beautiful, but unrealistic, utopian dreams of the Democrats.  For example, a liberal will say, “We need to feed hungry people because it is the moral thing to do” and a conservative will respond, “okay, but how are you going to pay for it?”  This exact difference of political opinion is what underlies the current California budget crisis. The liberal Democrat majority has been authorizing social services without having the money to pay for them, and the conservative Republicans won’t let them raise taxes to do it.

 

Wishing he had a sword.

 

Republicans also believe in limiting federal power through a plain, no nonsense approach to the United States Constitution. Prior to 1980, the GOP was not against abortion on moral or religious grounds: the GOP was against federal laws regulating abortion, arguing that, since the United States Constitution doesn’t cover abortion, the federal government cannot regulate it.  If states want to do it, they could – and, prior to Roe v. Wade, states did regulate abortion.

 

 

How they did it prior to Roe v. Wade.

 

But back in the 1980’s something happened that began the process of slowly transforming the rational, realistic Republican Party into a twisted mirror image of the Democrats, an image that was just as unrealistic and prone to ideological fantasies as are Democrats.

 

Living the dream.

 

It started with Ronald Reagan and his successful 1980 presidential election campaign.  To the world, it appeared to be a typical showdown between the liberal Democrats – personified by the painfully idealistic Jimmy Carter – and realistic and practical Ronald Reagan.  America was fed up with Jimmy Carter’s failed policies – which were incredibly unrealistic and based on pretty liberal ideals – the result of which was a botched foreign policy symbolized by Americans being held hostage in a post-revolutionary Iran and by historically high unemployment and inflation.

 

Still doesn't know what happened or why.

 

The American people elected the pragmatic conservative to inject some much-needed reality back into the political mix.  So they replaced Jimmy Carter with Ronald Reagan. What the world didn’t know is that, prior to the election, Ronald Reagan convinced the Republican Party to invite a group of people into the GOP that historically had been excluded by all national political parties: the “social conservatives” of the Religious Right.

 

It is all his fault.

 

Ironically, it turned out to be a deal with the devil, and, as is often the case when one accepts the devil’s bargain, it cost the GOP its soul.

 

(Continued)

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES

MICHAEL JACKSON’S MOTHER LOSES CONTROL OF ESTATE

By Rhapee Kanasta, Ass. Press Reporter

Today at the Neverland Ranch, Michael Jackson’s pet German Sheppard, Estate, slipped his leash and knocked down a child, shocking fans and paparazzi alike.

“It all happened so fast,” said Jackson’s mother, Katherine, who was  out walking the dog when the incident occurred.  “Michael’s Estate was behaving just fine, but when he saw that little boy, he got all excited, broke free, ran over, and began humping his leg.”

“Estate is a dog who loves children,” said Vinny Slimp, spokesperson for Estate. “It is believed that he is compensating for his deep feelings of not experiencing a happy puppyhood. He has been trying to make up for that ever since.”

“I am not sure what the humping is all about,” Slimp continued, “but I am sure it can be traced to trauma Estate experienced when, as a puppy, Joe Jackson – Michael’s father – forced Estate to perform tricks and left him alone for long periods of time with adult men.”

The dog is scheduled to be euthanized on July 8, 2009.

RECENT FAN MAIL

 

PEOPLE OF EARTH: ATTENTION

By Paul Nicholas Boylan

Columnist

[Reprinted with the permission of the Sacramento Valley Mirror, a small but mighty newspaper]

 

One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – recently wrote:

“you think you’re so smart but I am smarter than you and I rarely leave my house I spend all day doing research on the Internet looking up stuff about people I don’t like and then I spread gossip about them on the internet  I hate you I hate Jews and the Pope and illegal aliens why won’t they speak english like normal people english is the national language and they should be forced to speak it or they should go back where they came from but as I was saying before you interrupted me I hate you more because you represent tim crews and the valley smear you are a criminal and I bet all of your clients are criminals and you help them do criminal stuff I hope you die soon.”

Before you rush to my defense, sit back and think about what Penelope said.  He may be an under-medicated, uneducated, cross-dressing racist kook, but he raises one valid point that is worth discussing.  Most of my clients are not criminals, but some are.

 

A thought criminal I would be proud to represent

 

Why do I represent criminals? It isn’t the money.  Representing criminals doesn’t pay as well as you might think.  Believe me, criminals rarely ever pay their bills.  I don’t want to stereotype anyone, but I can tell you from experience that criminals are incredibly cheap.  They hate spending money. 

Hated paying his attorneys.

 

I imagine it is because crime doesn’t pay as well as it once did. 

 

Trying to bundle and sell hand job derivatives.

 

Whatever the reason, more often than not, my criminal clients do everything they can to avoid paying me for my time. So it isn’t the money that prompts me to represent them.  I do it because I believe that there is only one thing more dangerous than organized crime – and that is disorganized crime.  There is nothing that poses a greater risk to the public than a disorganized criminal.

 

Let me give you some examples (all of these really happened):

First: the Case of the Disorganized Jewel Thieves. Neiman Marcus is a high-scale department store in Beverly Hills that offer valet parking to its customers.  Three masked gunmen robbed the Neiman Marcus jewelry department, but they forgot they parked their car with the valet, and so had to take off on foot through residential Beverly Hills to escape the police. 

 

 

They were easily apprehended, but I think we can all agree that disorganized armed criminals running down the street dragging bags of money, jewelry and expensive shoes for their wives presents an extreme hazard to the community that could have been avoided if the criminals in question were a bit more organized and planned the robbery out in advance.

Next: the Case of the Disorganized Bank Robber.  Some poor fool tried to rob a bank using a paper bag over his head as a maks to hide his true identity.  But he forgot to cut holes in the bag so that he could see what he was doing and where he was going.  To compensate for his failure to properly plan the heist, the robber kept lifting the bag up so that he could see – which allowed the bank’s surveillance cameras to get a good look at his face.

 

Didn't think it through.

 

This idiot used a gun to rob that bank – which is dangerous enough without the person holding the gun blinding himself by putting a paper bag over his head.  An organized bank robber would have presented less of a threat to the innocent bystanders in the bank.

Next: the Case of the Disorganized Drug Dealers.  A police car in a nearby town noticed a car weaving back and forth as is traveled down a city street.  When the car was pulled over, the police officer discovered that the car was weaving because the three men in the car were watching a video on a portable player while they were driving.  More importantly, the video was an instructional tape designed to teach the viewer how to grow and sell marijuana.  The police officer discovered one hundred pounds of marijuana in plastic bags piled on the car’s back seat.

 

What the officer saw on the back seat.

 

Organized criminals would have watched the instructional video before getting in the car, which means the drug dealers would have been able to keep their eyes on the road.

These are only a few examples proving the point that disorganized crime can be far more dangerous and presents much more of a threat to the health, safety and well-being of the public than organized crime. I do not condone criminal acts, but I am far more afraid of disorganized criminals than I am of the organized ones. 

 

An organized criminal would never think this would work.

 

I represent criminals because there always comes a time when I am sitting with them face to face and, after they tell all about what they did and they didn’t do, I get the chance to look them straight in the eye and ask “what are you, stupid?”   Maybe, just maybe, they will realize they are too disorganized to be a criminal and, knowing that, they will give up their criminal aspirations.

 

Feels better than it looks.

 

And maybe they will pay their defense attorneys.  That would be good, too.

 

I can dream, can't I?

GOV. SANFORD ADMITS AFFAIR

 

     By Paul Nicholas Boylan, Columnist

The author planning his summer family vacation

[Reprinted with permission of the Sacramento Valley Mirror, a small but mighty newspaper]

 

After disappearing mysteriously for more than a week, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford admitted he was in Argentina with his lover.

 

Governor Sanford feeling bad about his adultery

 

“I betrayed my wife, my family and the State of South Carolina,”  Sanford confessed last week at a press conference.

 

 

Sanford is a prominent Republican who was  considered a possible candidate to run against Barak Obama in 2012. A devout Christian, Sanford is married, has four sons and was a leader in the call to impeach Bill Clinton for having sex outside of marriage. 

 

Sanford and some other guy

 

But Sanford’s admitted adultery now casts doubt on his future political prospects.

 

No longer "presidential"

 

“Governor Sanford’s affair has alienated him from the Republican rank and file, who hold their public officials to a high standard, said Trig Tackman, Republican political consultant and fiscal conservative. “In these tough economic times, the average Republican voter will not forgive a married man with four sons who travels to another country to have sex with a foreign woman who ain’t his wife.  A true patriot spends his cheating dollars at home,” Trackman said.

 

A great place to engage in extra-marital sex

 

Even during hard times, adulterers freely spend money to conduct their extra-marital sexual adventures. “A secret love affair can generate huge amounts of money for local businesses,” said Vinny Slimp, Financial Director of Le Sex Shoppe – a nation-wide chain of adult novelty retail stores.

 

Vinny Slimp

 

Sally Kreplach, a fellow with the Kinsey Foundation, agrees. “Recent scientific studies based primarily on apocryphal data seem to indicate that the economic impact of sexual activity is affected by interpersonal factors,” Dr. Kreplach said. “For example, the most recent data shows that the amount of sex-related spending is lowest for married couples, highest for those couples engaged in extra-marital affairs and somewhere in the middle for monogamous unmarried couples.” 

 

An inexpensive evening for this married couple

 

Dr. Kreplach concludes that marriage appears to be the controlling factor in sex-related economic activity.  “I conclude that marriage appears to be the controlling factor in sex-related economic activity,” Dr. Kreplach said.

 

Dr. Kreplach relaxing at home

 

“I can always tell when a customer is married or not,” Slimp continued.  “Married guys always come in alone through the back door and don’t spend a lot of time browsing.  They buy some Doc Johnson products and then – zoom – out they go.  But with your  unmarried clients, you got your Steely Dans, your Mellow Yellows, your Double Intruders, your master-slave costumes and all the freaky stuff.  And the freakier it is, the more it costs,” Slimp said.

 

I'm not judging. I'm just saying it costs a lot.

 

“Affairs are expensive,” said Ishmael Ircoots, President of Ircoots & Ercoots, LLP. “Affairs take place in hotels and the adulterous couple order room service or eat at restaurants near the hotel where they are having sex.  Also, unfaithful husbands and wives try to hide what they are doing.  So, after an adulterous encounter, they throw out all of the stuff they bought at the sex shop or hardware store.  They can’t bring it home and they can’t leave it in the car because, if it is found, then the affair is discovered.  So all those expensive items have to be thrown out.  And that means the adulterers have to buy that stuff again, and again, and again.  And that adds up,” said Ircoots.

 

This speaks for itself. Really. It has a celebrity voice function.

 

Conservatives in South Carolina are critical of Gov. Sanford’s decision to travel to another nation to spend his sex money. They argue that the money adulterers invest in their illicit sexual relations should be spent closer to home “Why leave the country to commit adultery? There are plenty of places here in the good old US of A to spend those dollars.  That’s what Ensign did,” said Chip Beevey, Director of the Billy Bob University and Laundromat’s Sexual Ethics Department.

Senator John Ensign, also a Republican presidential hopeful, recently admitted cheating on his wife with a woman who worked for him.

 

John Ensign: also no longer looking "Presidential"

 

“Senator Ensign spent every night with his mistress right in his home state of Nevada, investing all of the money generated from his sinful enterprise in the local economy,” Beevey continued.  “Sanford should have remembered his duty to his constituents and conducted his affair in South Carolina where it is needed to stimulate economic activity.”

 

Another great place to cheat on your husband or wife.

 

Alberto Baracho, Chief Minister of the Argentine Chamber of Tourism disagrees. “You cannot pick a more perfect place than Argentina to have sex with a woman who isn’t your wife,” Baracho says.  “Not only is it romantic and exciting, but you can’t beat Argentina as a great value for cost conscious adulterers.  Everything is cheaper here – hotels, food, hardware used to make scaffolding and trapezes.  Everything.  Even life itself is cheaper.  Lets just say that Argentina is the best place to wake up with a dead prostitute in your bed,” Baracho concluded with a wink and a smile. “The local authorities are very understanding.”

 

Alberto Baracho

 

Even though Argentina may be a great place to have sex with someone who isn’t your  husband or wife, Gov. Mark Sanford believes he has learned a valuable lesson from his recent wrongful conduct. “I cannot fix what is broken,” Sanford said, “but I can resolve to do better.  I want you to trust me as Governor again. And to earn that trust, I promise that the next time I cheat on my wife, I will do it right here in the great state of South Carolina.”

 

Mark Sanford, ready to start again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CNBC Interview

 

Okay, whoever it is out there who is looking for information on me by googling permutations of the search term “Paul Nicholas Boylan CNBC interview” here it is.

Please don’t be some kind of cyber stalker.  My dance card is filled with all the cyber stalkers I can handle at the moment.

And please don’t email me to tell me that my tie is crooked. That is very, very old news now.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES – STUDENT STRIP SEARCH ILLEGAL

 

By Robert Barnes

Washington Post Staff Writer

Friday, June 26, 20

Clarence Thomas: Perverted Justice

 

By Rhapee Kanasta

Ass. Press  Staff Writer

Friday, June 26, 2009 

 

In a case that had drawn attention from educators, parents and civil libertarians across the country, the United States Supreme Court ruled 8 to 1 that it was illegal for school administrators to strip search a 13 year old girl because they were concerned the girl was hiding drugs in her underwear.

 Justice David H. Souter, writing perhaps his final opinion for the court, said that the school administrators’ “hunch” Savana Redding, now a 19-year-old college student, had drugs in her underwear was not proper justification for seven adult male administrators to take Redding into a secluded room and conduct a strip search against her will.

 What was missing, Souter wrote, “was a reasonable belief based on reliable evidence to indicate that Savana was hiding illegal drugs or other contraband in her underwear.”

 It was reasonable to search the girl’s backpack and outer clothes, but Safford Middle School administrators made a “quantum leap” in taking the next step, the opinion said. “The meaning of such a search, and the degradation its subject may reasonably feel, render a search that intrusive wholly illegal,” Souter wrote.

 Justice Clarence Thomas was the lone dissenter. “I don’t think those school administrators went far enough,” he wrote. “The record shows that the alleged “victim” was highly attractive and that the administrators’ initial examination, documented photographically, revealed that she was wearing exciting, provocative underwear that only a girl asking for it would wear.  Consequently, in lieu, i.e., to wit, e.g., that pretty little thing could have been hiding any number of objects in places – which I cannot name because I am a gentleman – but rhyme with ‘angina’ and “heinous.’ You would be amazed what kind of things can be hidden in those places. I’ve seen pictures and videos that prove it. I saw Traci Lords do this thing in this movie with a bowling pin that was unbelievable.  I mean, unbelievable. What the majority fails to mention is that Traci Lords made those moves when she was 16 which, in my view, provides middle aged male authority figures the authority to use their authority to pull the pretty ones aside, sequester them in a reasonably sound-proof location, and check to make sure they aren’t hiding anything,” Thomas wrote.

 In 1991, during the U.S. Senate hearings on his nomination to the U.S. Supreme Court, Anita Hill – Thomas’s former co-worker – accused Thomas of sexually harassing her by describing in detail the pornographic movies he enjoyed viewing.

Thomas denied these accusations. His nomination was confirmed and he currently sits on the United States Supreme Court, where he has a strong record of supporting the First Amendment rights of pornographers.

 

 

Traci Lords' High School Yearbook picture

 

 

 

LIVING WITH CBD

 

An Ordinary Man Gives An Inside Look At Crazy Bitch Disorder

 MUNCIE, June 11, 2009 | by Rhapee Kanasta

“It’s my CBD.”

I hear that from women friends and colleagues who half-jokingly use the term “CBD” to describe their over-the-top bitchy behavior – but they don’t actually have crazy bitch disorder. True CBD can be a devastating personality flaw. Women who suffer from CBD have intrusive, uncontrollable bitchy thoughts and severe bitchy behavior centered around the need to perform repetitive bitchy rituals, or “bitchuals.” These behaviors can be physical – such as throwing things, or they can be mental – such as quietly resenting the man in your life. CBD interferes with normal daily activities – like house cleaning and cooking dinner – and persists despite most bitchy women realizing, deep down, that they are being “a total bitch.”

CBD affects 90 percent of the world’s female women. We’ve seen characters with the disorder portrayed in television (e.g., Kyra Sedgwick’s Brenda Lee Johnson) and in film (e.g., Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley in “Alien”). Yet CBD is still associated with stigma, shame, and an alarming level of ignorance on part of the very women who likely suffer from it.

In the seminal article on the subject, Dr. Clint Mantooth offers three helpful questions for women to ask themselves if they suspect they suffer from CBD: “Am I ever angry about some thoughtless thing my boyfriend or husband did?” “Do I ever feel that my boyfriend or husband takes me for granted?” And “Would I be upset if my boyfriend or husband had sex with another woman, especially a younger, prettier one?” Dr. Mantooth suggests that answering “yes” to any of these questions should prompt a likely diagnosis of CBD.

To find out more, I interviewed Richard “Dick” Johnson, an electrician with five children and a really bitchy wife.  Dick poignantly told me about the mental anguish associated with men living in close contact with a woman who has CBD, and how it threatened to sabotage his career, personal life and his time watching Sci Fi on television. Dick’s wife’s CBD focused on his failure to clean up after himself, his refusal to help care for the children, his chronic inability to lift the toilet seat and his habit of not listening to anything his wife said to him while he watches television.

“Oh yeah, and my wife hates it when I leave nearly empty containers in the refrigerator, like milk cartons. She is always bitching at me about that,” Dick said.

 Dick decided to do something about it.  He began what became ground-breaking research that could eventually lead to a cure.

 “I learned that crazy bitch disorder has been around for a long time, but has never been recognized as a mental illness,” Dick said. “It was excused as a mood, or ‘that time of the month’ and treated with alcohol and, more recently, with pharmacuticals like Valium and Xanax.  But now that men know that it really isn’t their fault, there is hope,” Dick said before falling asleep on his family room couch.

Dick’s message is that other men can learn what he did – that it is all his wife’s fault – but only those who ask for help can find it.

 

 

 

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: Conservatives More Squeamish

 

CONSERVATIVES MORE EASILY DISGUSTED

 

By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass. Press Writer – Thu Apr 30, 9:59 pm ET

 

LOS ANGELES – Police believe a 72-year-old insurance claims adjuster arrested earlier this month is the most obese serial killer in the city’s history, weighing over a metric ton.

By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass. Press Writer – June 6, 9:59 pm ET

LOS ANGELES – People who squirm at the sight of bugs or are grossed out by blood and guts are more likely to be politically conservative, new studies find.

In particular, the squeamish are more apt to have conservative attitudes about homosexuality.

“Our studies show that the average conservative voter is more prone to wash their hands compulsively than the average liberal voter,” said Dr. Krista Schurstein, Lead Researcher with the Sam Houston Institute of Technology. “Conservatives find the mechanics of gay sex sort of, well, icky,” Schnurstein concludes.

A conservative’s enhanced sense of personal hygiene often translates into a reactionary sense of moral hygiene. “What is wrong with those homos?” asks the Reverend Billy Bob, Pastor and CEO of William Robert Christian Evangelical University and Dry Goods Store, Inc. “They insist on sticking body parts in places where God never intended them to be.  It’s just disgusting. And that’s why we won’t let them get married.”

But conservative disgust over gay sex does not extend to lesbians. “The Bible specifically prohibits sex between men,” said Religious Studies expert, Alan Shainwooks. “There is no mention of lesbo action.  I suspect that conservative men think about it all of the time without experiencing any sense of disgust or foreboding,” Shainwooks said. “It is the man on man stuff they are morally opposed to. Which, as I said, the Bible specifically prohibits.”

Squeamishness as the root cause for conservative political attitudes, however, may also explain the rise of fundamentalist Islam in Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan.

“Since time immemorial, men have been afraid of women because of the fear of contracting “cooties” from them,” observes Abu Salla, Islamic historian working for the RAND Corporation. “Although no medical authority has ever been able to confirm cooties as an actual disease, the widespread belief that a man can get cooties from a woman seems to be at the heart of efforts in male dominated societies to sequester their women and tightly regulate contact between the sexes, often under the guise of religious beliefs or traditional moral values,” Salla said.

Whether cooties exists or not, many fundamentalist Muslim men are afraid of contracting it.  ”We are fighting against the Western Crusaders to protect ourselves from our women,” said Ibin Phartin, a Taliban fighter in Pakistan’s Swat Valley. “It is well-known that unregulated, close contact with women can endanger a man’s health.  And, if you’re not careful, they will spend all your money.”

 

 

THE 100,000 MARK

 

 

I’ve passed my 100,000^th visitor. I know that 100,000 is a drop in the bucket for you uber bloggers out there,  but is it even smaller than that.  When you look at the kinds of google searches that lead people to my site, the following  search terms are the ones that keep bringing people to this page:

 

Smiley - 53,424

 

 

 

Smiley face - 20,013

 

 

 

Sarah Palin - 11.301

 

 

 

 

Sarah Palin nude - 3,175

 

 

 

Martin Van Buren  - 1,007

 

 

 

 

Martin Van Buren nude -  1,005

 

 

 

Katie Couric cleavage - 728

 

 

 

Redneck -366

 

 

 

Stupid people - 359

 

 

 

Fat suck - 293

 

 

 

 

 

Hot babe - 287

 

 

 

 

 

Oops - 254

 

 

 

 

Steampunk office - 249

 

 

 

 

 

Mean smiley - 208

 

 

 

 

 

Morons eating pie - 119

 

 

 

 

 

Jews in the news - 103

 

 

 

 

 

Taye Diggs Wife - 99

 

 

 

 

 

 

Martin Von Buran nude - 97

 

 

I very much appreciate the 10 or 20 people that seem to habitually drop by. But the vast majority of those visiting here pass through looking for something else (pics of nude politicians) or land here utterly by mistake (‘oops”).

I’m not complaining – just grooving on the goofiness of the whole thing.

AMERICAN TALIBAN

 

PEOPLE OF EARTH: ATTENTION

 

 

 

By Paul Nicholas Boylan

Columnist

[Printed here with the permission of the Sacramento Valley Mirror, a small but powerful newspaper improving the world just a little bit at a time.]

 

 

 

As many of you know, I am Greek Orthodox. But until recently, my son was not.  My wife, who is Southern Baptist, convinced me not to baptize our son and not pressure him towards one faith or another so that he could choose his own spirituality when he was old enough to make that choice.

One day, a few years ago, my son came to me and said he wanted to join the Greek Orthodox faith. I’m not sure how or why he made that decision, but I could not have been happier or prouder.  I was still cautious. I wanted him to know exactly what he was getting himself into.  So I found a nice church in Sacramento and we began to attend Sunday service together.

For me it was no big deal. I was baptized a few months after I was born by my Grandfather, who was a priest.  I was raised in Chicago where I attended a school run by our local church. My brother and I were altar boys.  So when I walked up to the steps of our new church in Sacramento, with my son slightly behind me, on that first Sunday, it was like coming home. No big deal.

But for my son, it was a new experience, and he noticed things I have always taken for granted.  As we entered we were greeted by the Church Elders in the lobby. I spoke a little Greek and earned some smiles. We signed the guest book.  But as we made our way up the aisle to take a seat, my son leaned over to me and whispered, “I didn’t know churches had bouncers.”

I instantly understood exactly what my son was talking about.  The Church Elders in just about any Greek church are a group of very big, very serious men in suits that scrutinize everyone entering.  If my son and I did not pass their silent but very intense inspection, we would not have been allowed to enter the church.

This did not surprise me. It is the way it has always been throughout my experience.  I was raised to recognize that it is a dangerous world, that there are good people and bad people, and not everyone likes or understands Greek people.  I take it for granted that care must be taken to make sure dangerous people do not enter the House of God and disturb Christ’s Peace.

Since then, my son, Evan, has been baptized and has been given his Greek name – Evangelos (it means “good messenger”) – which he speaks before taking Holy Communion. And now the Church Elders recognize him and stand aside as he enters to take his place every Sunday.

After church this last Sunday I learned that not every Christian church has “bouncers” to preserve Christ’s Peace.

Last Sunday, May 31, 2009, in Kansas City, Missouri, Dr. George Tiller went to church like he did every Sunday.  But that day, during the service, a man walked up to Dr. Teller, took out a gun and shot him in the head.  As Dr. Teller fell, the gunman threatened to kill anyone who tried to help him.  The gunman then left the church and drove away in a car parked outside on the street.

Dr. Tiller is a doctor that performs abortions. He is the latest in a long string of Doctors who have been killed by religious fanatics who oppose abortion and believe Jesus approves of killing doctors who perform abortions.

I am morally opposed to abortion.  I believe that life is sacred.  But I am part of a spiritual tradition that prefers a different approach to solving the problem.  For example, my church raised the money to buy an abortion clinic located right next door. We converted it into a bookstore. I smile when I think about it, how quintessentially Greek is that non-violent, elegant, poetic solution.

But when I think about Dr. Teller’s assassination, I realize that I know exactly what it represents. A crazy person who did an evil, horrible act in the name of God committed that killing.  He killed Dr. Teller because Dr. Teller was a sinner, and it is okay to kill sinners.

I know of others who think and behave this way. They are killing American troops in Afghanistan and blowing up schools in Pakistan. They call themselves the Taliban, and they are hell-bent on forcing everyone to follow an extreme version of Islam, which believes that it is perfectly fine to kill anyone who believes differently than they do.

There is a place in Pakistan’s Swat Valley called the “Bloody Crossroads” where each night the Taliban dump the bodies of the sinners they have killed. They do it so that, each morning, the people can look out and be afraid – not of God, but of the Taliban.

We Americans think we are better than everyone else. We take pride in our moral superiority.  If you are one of those who do, Dr. Teller’s death should make you question, just a little, the basis for your pride.  We Americans are capable of giving birth to people just as crazy, just as deadly, just as evil, as those filthy Taliban.  Remember that Jim Jones was American. Remember that David Koresh was American. Remember that Timothy McVey was American.

And then, if you are lucky, you will remember Dr. George Tiller, realize his church is our bloody crossroads where an American Taliban dumped a body to inspire fear, and then, if you have any decency at all, you will wonder what in God’s name has happened to us.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: That tiger that ate that guy, part 2

RARE WHITE TIGER VILIFIED

 

Ass. Press

Posted: 05/29/2009 05:57:32 AM PDT

Updated: 05/27/2009 05:57:34 AM PDT

 WELLINGTON, New Zealand — 

Ass. Press

Posted: 05/29/2009 05:57:32 AM PDT

Updated: 05/27/2009 05:57:34 AM PDT

 

WELLINGTON, New Zealand —  Princess, the rare white tiger that killed one of her handlers at a wild animal park in New Zealand, has become the target for international criticism.

“That tiger killed and tried to eat that guy,” said Bill Chen, Human Rights advocate based in Beijing, China. “That tiger should be destroyed,” Chen demanded.

“William Chen operates a disreputable restaurant that specializes in serving meals made from endangered species,” said Ingrid Bledsoe, Animal Rights advocate based in Billings, Montana. “Chen sees this as an opportunity to expand his menu,” Bledsoe asserts. “He wants it to replace his Trumpeter Swan Fricassee.”

Many around the world are demanding that Princess suffer some consequence for attempting to devour her caregiver.  But others offer a different perspective.

“Princess has given joy to thousands of children over the years,” says animal park worker Ted Smedby. “But do they call her ‘Princess, the giver of joy?” No, they do not. Now they call her ‘Princess, the tiger that tried to eat that guy.’  It is so unfair,” Smedby argues.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: New Zealand Zookeeper Killed

 

NEW ZEALAND ZOOKEEPER MAULED TO DEATH BY RARE WHITE TIGER

Princess, the adorable rare white tiger who killed some guy.

 

Ass. Press

Posted: 05/29/2009 05:57:32 AM PDT

Updated: 05/27/2009 05:57:34 AM PDT

 WELLINGTON, New Zealand — An animal keeper was mauled to death Wednesday by a rare white tiger at a wildlife park in New Zealand. The animal, named Princess, is one of only 120 white tigers in the world.

Princess is a third-generation white tiger born at the park.  Her mother was Queeny and her father was Prince Leopold.

 “Genetic testing confirms Princess’ lineage,” said Gwen Mulumbimbi, Park Geneticist.  “Since there are so few of these magnificent animals left in the world, proper genetic management is essential to keeping the species from suffering the consequences of inbreeding,” Mulumbimbi said.

 The park, located near the northern city of Whangarei, has 42 rare lions and tigers — four of which are white tigers — in large wire-cage enclosures that include trees and grassy areas

A NEW START FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY?

 

 

                PEOPLE OF EARTH: ATTENTION

 

 

by Paul Nicholas Boylan,

Columnist

 

 

 

 

[Reprinted here with permission from the Sacramento Valley Mirror, where this article first appeared.]

 

People of Earth, you know I supported John McCain because he promised to bring reason and honesty back to the Presidency. You also know that I felt and still feel betrayed when he picked Sarah Palin as his running mate because she represented everything wrong with the Republican Party – i.e., she was a fanatically “pro life” mindlessly religious, proudly ignorant snowbilly with delusions of competency and the inability to tell the truth to save her life. In otherwords, Palin was George W. Bush in a dress – everything bad about him was even worse with her, with the minor exception that she looked hot in leather.

 

 

I wasn’t alone.  Millions of moderate conservatives like me felt thrown under the political bus. Stupid people had taken over the GOP.  We had no choice but to make damn sure McCain and Palin did not win, and that meant supporting O’Bama.

As many as 10 million conservatives like me voted for Obama because McCain sold his soul to the dark side of the Republican Party.  And guess what? Obama won by about 10 million votes. Mere coincidence? I think not.

Don’t get me wrong: I do not like Obama and I do not like his policies.  But I sleep soundly at night knowing that voting for Obama sent a message to the GOP – i.e., that the Republican Party is nothing without the support of moderate conservatives like me.

Since the election I’ve been waiting for the GOP to come to its senses. People of Earth, I am pleased to announce that it is finally happening.

Recently, Colin Powell appeared on Face the Nation and said what we all know: that the Republican Party has lost the trust of the American people, has lost national power, and the only way to regain political influence is to appeal more to moderate conservatives and independents.  Later, at a meeting of National business leaders, General Powell said:

“Rush Limbaugh says, ‘Get out of the Republican Party. Dick Cheney says, ‘He’s already out.’ I may be out of their version of the Republican Party, but there’s another version of the Republican Party waiting to emerge once again.”

 

 

Colin Powell - Incredibly competent moderate Republican.

 

 

“Colin Powell is a child molester,” said Trip Brackman, a pseudo-Christian cult member from Waco, Texas. “I read that on the Internet, so it must be true,” Brackman added. “And my Pastor said so in Church last Sunday.”

 

 

Trip Brackman - total moran.

 

Other leading moderate Republicans support Powell’s call for the Republican Party to reject the failed strategies that caused the GOP to slide to the edge of collapse.  These moderate conservative leaders recommend that the GOP stop “demonizing” their opponents and, instead, concentrate on the issues and present the American people with alternatives to Obama’s policies.

“The practice of “demonization” has ruined the Republican Party,” said Raymond Smith, co-founder of Policy Alternatives Inc., a conservative think tank based in Arlington, Virginia. “Demonization is the tactic of ignoring what your political opponent says and, instead, falsely accusing him or her of moral or legal wrongdoing.  By the time the accused responds, the election is over. It worked with John Kerry. The Swift Boat ads were very effective. But in the last election, Republican operatives spread rumors that Obama was a Muslim. It didn’t work, and it isn’t going to work again. The only hope for the Republican Party is to realize that demonization as a tactic does not work any more.”

 

 

Why are "good people" included?

 

 

“Ray Smith is an alcoholic, drug abusing baby killer,” said Track Johnson a shadowy, lurking figure and life-long Republican from Kansas City, Missouri. “And he is a homosexual.  Did I say he was a homo?  Well, he is,” said Smith. “A great big alcoholic, drug abusing baby killing homo.”

 

Tom Ridge, former Secretary for Homeland Security, agrees that the traditional Republican tactic of demonizing political opponents has to stop if the GOP is to regain any political relevance.

“How you use words is very important,” Ridge said during an interview airing Sunday on CNN’s State of The Union. “Demonization does get the base all fired up,” Ridge continued. “But if the Republican Party has any hope of returning to political power, it needs to encourage the base to attack ideas and not personally attack people,” Ridge concluded.

 

 

"It was this big, but it got away."

 

 

“Why does Tom Ridge hate America?” asks Republican activist, Libby McGruber. “It saddens me that this once great man is now a traitor and a baby killer.  And an alcoholic. Did you know he gets drunk and beats up his wife?” McGruber asked. “It’s true. I read it on the internet,” she added.

 

 

Libby McGruber

 

 

Michael Steele, current Chairman of the Republican National Committee agrees with Powell and Ridge.  He recently prevented the RNC from enacting a resolution attempting to demonize Democrats by changing the name of the Democratic Party to the “Democratic Socialist Party.” “It is a dumb move,” said Steele. “What we need are solutions to the nation’s problems,” he continued. “Demonizing our opponents by changing their name isn’t productive.

 

 

Michael Steele

 

 

“Michael Steele is an alcoholic Mooslam child molesting baby killer,” said Trig Carmichael, an unemployed electrician from Valdosta, Georgia, and life long Republican. “Anyone who listens to Steele is a homosexual traitor who hates America,” Carmichael said before passing out.

 

 

Trig Carmichael and his lovely wife, Dixie.

 

 

Can the Republican Party change its tactics and re-emerge as a leaner, meaner, stronger political party?  Only time will tell.

 

 

Not demonizing in the slightest....

 

 

 

 

Ah..... that's so much better...

 

 

 

 

                PEOPLE OF EARTH: ATTENTION

The author (front) and his brother, Dave (back).

The author (front) and his brother, Dave (back).

 

 

 

y Paul Nicholas Boylan,

Columnis

by Paul Nicholas Boylan,

Columnist

 

 

 

 

[reprinted here with permission from the Sacramento Valley Mirror, where this article first appeared, except that I added some profanity to this version because I felt profanity gives the piece a Baroque feel, if you know what I mean.]

 

SEND NO MONEY

 

 

to the Extremely Poor Society (EPS). 

 

 

THERE’S IRONY HERE, IF YOU LOOK DEEP ENOUGH 1.1

 

 

THE BRAVE NEW WORLD OF INTERNET “NEWS”

 

                PEOPLE OF EARTH: ATTENTION

The author (front) and his brother, Dave (back).

 

 

 

y Paul Nicholas Boylan,

Columnis

by Paul Nicholas Boylan,

Columnist

 

 

 

 

[reprinted here with permission from the Sacramento Valley Mirror, where this article first appeared, except that I added some profanity to this version because I felt profanity gives the piece a Baroque feel, if you know what I mean.]

 

People of Earth, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that very soon virtually everyone on earth will be able to easily and cheaply access the Internet. 

 

 

It is happening so fast no one can keep up or predict where or how it will end.  Computers with wireless connections to the World Wide Web are spreading even through the poorest parts of Africa – even though there is no electrical infrastructure there. The people who live in those retched places are using solar energy to power their small, inexpensive computers.  And that means they can watch television reruns on Hulu, watch weird videos on YouTube and look down upon their huts using the satellite images from Google Earth.

Now for the bad news. Even though we are entering a brave new world promising incredible access to information, a lot of the information available is absolute junk.  This true especially for the news.

The problem is found in the system itself.  Every major newspaper and every major Internet service provider offers a news page where anyone can browse the headlines for free.  Google has a news page.  Yahoo has a news page.  Microsoft has a news page.

But there just isn’t enough news to fill those pages.  Our opportunities to find news on the Internet are growing faster than the news itself.  There just isn’t enough happening that is newsworthy to post on the Internet for you and me to read.

In the past, during the golden age of journalism, great newspapers like the Washington Post and the New York Times and the Weekly World News pledged to report “all of the news that is fit to print.”  Please read that promise carefully:  all of the news that is fit to print.  That implies that not all news is suitable to be put in a newspaper.  Some stories are just too trivial or too stupid to make it past an editor.  Traditionally, only the most interesting, most helpful and/or most topical stories made it into print.  In other words, quality mattered.

It isn’t that way any more.  In this new age of fast information access, quality has lost its meaning and importance. Now quantity is king.  Electronic space, millions of times larger than all of the newspapers that have ever been printed, needs to be filled with something.

The results are simply bizarre, and – truth be told – a little frightening.  When the quality of information loses its importance, the quality of thought and reason suffers.

For example, just yesterday I read the following headline on the Google News website:

“NAVAJOS LARGELY UNSCATHED BY RECESSION”

I want you to think about this headline.  It basically reports that the group of Native Americans more commonly called Navajos – who are perhaps one of the poorest people in the United States, suffering from lack of education, lack of health care and double digit unemployment – are not really being affected by the recent economic down turn.  And why? Because they are already dirt poor, that’s why.

The news article quoted some idiot who explained why the Great Recession isn’t really being noticed on Navajo reservations:

“Most Navajos own their own homes, tend not to invest in the stock market and have long had difficulties borrowing money, distinguishing them from millions of other Americans who’ve suffered from rising mortgage payments, sinking 401(k) retirement accounts and stricter terms from lenders.”

If you are not totally amazed at the abject stupidity of this “news” then perhaps I can help you understand by suggesting a headline that would be equally stupid for exactly the same reasons:

“RECENT STUDY SHOWS DEAD PEOPLE HAVE FEWER HEALTH PROBLEMS”

Navajos are not affected by the Great Recession for the exact same reason why dead people don’t get sick: because they are already in such bad shape that it just doesn’t matter.  Swine flu isn’t a problem for people who have died and unemployment isn’t a problem for people who already don’t have a job.  The fact that our banks won’t lend any money doesn’t matter to people who could never get a loan anyway. Reporting this kind of stuff as “news” is like reporting that pigs are born small but grow big.  It isn’t news. It is an observation dressed up and presented to look like news.

It gets worse.  Not only are stupid things reported, but also stupid people are actually allowed to make the news itself.  For example, yesterday I also read the following headline:

“STEELERS LINEBACKER HARRISON WON’T VISIT WHITE HOUSE”

Here is what happened: President Obama invited Super Bowl champions Pittsburgh Steelers to the White House.  Linebacker James Harrison refused to go because Obama “would probably have invited Arizona if they had won.”

 

Harrison is the one in the air.

 

 

Excuse me? Is he kidding? No, he is not kidding, and that is exactly what is wrong with this “news” article.  He is one serious intellectually challenged American style football player. I mean, what the fuck.  Seriously, what the fuck? Is there anything inside his cranium at all?

Mr. Harrison – if I may address you personally – please try to understand that being angry with the President because Obama would have invited the other team if they had won is just as stupid as a man divorcing his wife because, if she had not agreed to marry him, she would probably have married someone else.

Oh hell. I sincerely hope Harrison doesn’t read this, because if he does, he is going to agree and divorce his wife. I do not want to be responsible for that or anything like it.  I am sure they are a happy couple. I mean, I bet Harrison’s wife takes advantage of his lack of mental acuity to do just about anything she wants.

“Hey, honey, who is that in our bed making love to you?”

“No one, sweety. You are dreaming.

“I am?”

“Yes, you are.”

“Okay!”

 

Harrison thinking.

 

 

But I digress.  The point I originally wanted to make is that his stupid reason for not visiting the White House is just a stupid reason. It isn’t newsworthy.  Yet it has engulfed enormous space on the internet.

Poor Navajos and stupid football players aren’t newsworthy.  At most they are just information devoid of usefulness or meaningful content.

Welcome to the Information Age.

 

********************

 

Okay, that’s how I ended my most recent weekly column: “Welcome to the Information Age.”   I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now.  It is a lousy ending.  But even now I can’t think of anything else.

Writer’s block is a bitch. Just ask John Birmingham.

Okay, okay, I am NOT equating my failure to come up with a decent ending for my article with the really terrible writer’s angst that John – and apparently other writers – suffers from.  But it is still a bitch. Even for me.

 But I digress.

Ah, big deal. I made my deadline.

 

PROOF THAT GOD LOVES ME

 

While wandering through the Youtube universe, I found this.  I don’t know what it is or where it came from, but I think the language is Danish.

I believe God lead me to this video for my personal Dada pleasure.

 

 

 

 

Thank you, God.

 

 

TRANSCENDENT MUSIC 1.3

 If this had not been released in 1965, but had been released today, it would still be a huge hit.

 

TRANSCENDENT MUSIC 1.1

Face it: this is one of the best songs ever written.