MUNCIE, Indiana – Pop sensation Lil Wayne’s recent seizure was not caused by illegal drug use, said Harvey Birdman, Lil Wayne’s attorney and spokesperson.
“My client is not a drug user,” Birdman said at a press conference he called for the purpose of “clearing the air” about Lil Wayne’s seizure. “He is allergic to wheat,” Birdman explained.
Birdman ended the conference with a warning about the perils of food allergies.
So I am sitting on the couch in my family room watching my son watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when I comment on the recent news articles revealing that former POTUS George Herbert Walker Bush is an accomplished painter with a penchant for painting himself in the nude.
“You mean he stood there looking at himself in a mirror?” My son asked.
“Yes, I suppose he did,” I responded.
After a short silence my son opined:
“Well, that makes sense.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Okay, let’s say you are a former conservative Republican President who likes to paint nudes,” my son says.
“Okay,” I respond. “let’s say that.”
“Well, then your possibilities are limited,” my son concludes.
“How so?” I ask.
“Have you seen Barbara Bush?” my son asks.
“Oh,” I said, granting the point.
I found out later that it is was recently revealed that it is George Bush the Younger (the one who started two long wars but didn’t pay for them and very nearly brought down the global economy), not George Bush the Elder (the one who scoffed at his critics’ complaints that he lacked foresight by referring to it as “that vision thing”) who painted and presumably still paints himself nude.
I didn’t inform my son of my error. I value any exercise in critical thinking and, based on even invalid data his conclusion was admirable.
And it is very likely that the younger Bush paints himself nude because his daddy did it, too, and the younger Bush is competing with him artistically.
The following photo is of a painting obtained by hackers of the younger Bush’s painting efforts. It is a bit creepy because it is clearly derived from a photograph, which means George has a collaborator who takes pictures of him in the nude:
The elder Bush was a better president (he fought Gulf War I, neutralized Saddam Hussein without creating a quagmire the US could not exit from). The odds are the elder Bush is a better painter.
By Prof. Trip “Trip” Tripperson-Johnson
The recent massacre of schoolchildren by an insane gunwielding lunatic has shocked the world. People everywhere are wondering what to do. They asked themselves if there is anything they actually can do.
Before people go off half cocked and do something they will regret – and I am talking about passing laws that violate every American’s God-given right to possess and use firearms – I ask that everyone step back and look at this rationally. There is no need to take guns away from anyone to solve this problem. There is a simple solution to what happened in Connecticut, a solution that does not require repressive and unconstitutional gun control legislation on either the state or the federal level.
1st, let us focus on the problem. The problem is not guns. Guns don’t kill schoolchildren. People with guns kill schoolchildren. We need to focus on who it was who killed those children in Connecticut. Let me just say right out: it was a nut case that killed those kids. A lunatic. 6 pounds of crazy in a 5 pound bag.
The average red-blooded American gun owner is not crazy. He or she (probably he) is a responsible, God-fearing Republican who would never take a gun into a school and shoot anyone, except perhaps if his or her (probably his) constitutional rights to bear arms was threatened.
The point is we all agree that crazy people should not have guns. But we also agree that it’s impossible to keep guns out of the hands of crazy people. To insist that any kind of “standards” would infringe on the rights of responsible, God-fearing Republican Americans to buy, own and use guns.
The solution, as I said, is simple. If we want to stop lunatics from taking guns into schools and killing a lot of kids, then we should make sure that every American schoolchild is armed.
If those children in that school had been packing heat – and had been trained in the use of those firearms – that lunatic would’ve gotten off maybe 5 rounds before one of those deadeye tots took them out.
This solution works for everybody. Increased gun sales pumps money into the economy. Possessing firearms will improve the self-esteem of any child, especially little girls.
So instead of using this horrible massacre of schoolchildren as an excuse to pass liberal, socialist, communist laws to restrict the constitutional right to bear arms, let’s sell the problem and uphold the Constitution by passing laws that allow us – heck, require us – to arm our children.
Trip Tripperson-Johnson is an adjunct professor of Biblical Studies and Infomercial Science at Cal Poly Needles in California. He is the author of the acclaimed essay “ Why Slavery was Good for Black People” published in the Elders of Zion Law Journal.