MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

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A MEMBER OF THE NEW AMERICAN “TEA PARTY” SPEAKS OUT

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It has been a while since I’ve posted anything in this blog. Due to national security concerns – and because witches might be watching – I can’t tell you where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing, but I can tell you that I’ve been fighting the Liberal Menace, and by that I mean my gay next door neighbor, Ted.

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My gay neighbor, Ted, and his special "friend" Glenn.

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And by fighting I mean avoiding him at all costs and calling the police every time he has a party and complaining about the noise even when there is no noise.  Although the police no longer respond to my complaints, and I’ve been warned – and I quote – to “cut it out or Mr. Friedman [that’s Ted] will press charges,” I remain ever vigilant in my quest to utilize any and all means to oppose what I call “the Gay Tide” – and by “Gay Tide” I mean the swelling, undulating wave of liberalism penetrating our country and threatening the very fabric of the American way of life.

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In other words, my gay neighbor, Ted.

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But I digress. It is a new year and the beginning of a new decade. I feel confident in my impression that, as each of you greeted this New Year, you wondered “what are Paul Boylan’s New Years Resolutions?”

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Ordinarily I don’t resolve anything when a new year starts.  It seems silly to make promises that either can’t or won’t be kept. It is so dishonest that it is un-Christian. Celebrating the New Year is really a pagan tradition founded by devil worshipers who glorified the “solstice” or something like that.  It is just like Satan to create a holiday where people get drunk and make promises they can’t keep.

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So this year I decided to defy the Dark Lord and make resolutions that I CAN keep. Here are a few of them:

1.  Destroy my gay neighbor, Ted.

Since my local police department has clearly been infiltrated by homosexual sympathizers – or worse, by vegan vegetarians – and, consequently, is unwilling to do anything about my gay neighbor – who is, by the way, filthy – I’ve decided to take a more direct approach.  I will go door to door and speak to all of my other neighbors and explain why we must all shun Ted.  If we shun him, he will have no choice but to either stop being gay or move away. Either result will satisfy me.

2. Run over fewer cats with my car.

In 2009 I ran over way too many cats, causing expensive damage to my car.

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Please do not judge me callous or uncaring because I mention cost as my first reason for resolving to kill fewer cats.  Even if I could run down cats cost-free, I would still resolve to do it less because I am quite fond of cats.

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But other animals that are not cats – such as dogs, squirrels, raccoons, possums, wild hogs, ducks, geese, turkeys, quail, pheasants, pigeons, crows, egrets, blue herons, deer, elk, snakes and/or emus – had better get out of my way.

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If I have to stop and wait for every dog, squirrel, raccoon, possum, wild hog, duck, goose, turkey, quail, pheasant, pigeon, crow, egret, blue heron, deer, elk snake, emu and baby seal to stroll across the road on their little legs or flippers, then I wouldn’t ever get anywhere and I might as well walk.

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3.  Ask more often “What would Jesus do?”

I take great pride in my sense of self-honesty, which is eclipsed only by my humility.  As I’ve said and written many times and say again right here right now without the risk of hyperbole, I am possibly the most humble man who ever lived.  But, in all humility, my sense of self-honesty compels me to admit that I could be a better Christian.  And central to being a good Christian is asking the question “What would Jesus do?” when confronted by problems.

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For example, I intend to ask myself the following questions during 2010:

What would Jesus do to stop Socialists form taking over America and taxing the wealthy so that poor people can get medical care?

If Jesus stands for anything, he stands for low taxes, property rights, helping working homeowners and punishing lazy poor people – like he did in Haiti.  I am fairly sure Jesus would not want poor people to have free medical care.

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What would Jesus do about the Negro problem?

You know what I’m talking about.

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Who would believe that American voters would choose Obama because McCain picked Palin as his running mate?  Since when did stupidity matter more than race? It’s downright un-American.

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And now we have a black Miss America (again). Doesn’t the Miss America Pageant know that picking a black Miss America will only encourage those people?

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I can’t figure it out, so I think I need to ask what Jesus would do about it.

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Well, that’s it for now. My wife is reading over my shoulder and just told me that I am going to Hell.

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I need to take some time and explain to her why God would never do that to me. But what I really need to do is ask “What would Jesus do about a wife like this?”

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WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Hot Chicks With Douchebags

I recommend without hesitation or reservation hotchickswithdouchebags.com, a website that offers “Pictures of hot chicks with total and complete douchebags. With commentary.”

As I have traveled the roads of my life, I often witnessed hot chicks in the company of total and complete douchebags.

I  often wondered “what is that hot chick doing with that total and complete douchebag?” which, when I was a much younger  man, prompted the follow-up question “What the hell am I doing wrong?”

There was and is no answer to that question.  The perplexing phenomenon of hot chicks with total and complete douchebags remains one of the great mystery of life and a historical puzzle.  Helen – the hottest chick in the ancient world – fell for Paris, a total and complete douchebag. Cleopatra got stupid for Julius Ceasar. Whitney Houston willingly and voluntarily jumped into the toilet of life and spiraled down just to be with Bobby Brown, who was at the bottom.

Homer attributed it to the whims of arbitrary and capricious gods and goddesses.  Suetonius blamed it on the Will to Power.  Charles Krauthammer dismisses it as a socio-economic malady.   E!-Entertainment Television commentators call it the “bad boy” lure.  John Hiatt sings the lyrics “she knows it will never work, but she loves the jerk.”

The truth is no one knows why hot chicks are so drawn to total and complete douchebags, often to their demise, as a moth is drawn to flame.  All we can do is notice it happening and shake our heads in horrified wonder.

HOW TO READ A BOOK

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Open it. Read the words. Turn the pages.

What’s your problem?

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FEELING GOOD ABOUT ME

I have three reasons for living. The first is to be a good husband. The second is to be a good father and the third is to be a good citizen. I honestly have no idea if I am any good at any of these things – or, to be more precise, good enough.  But today something happened that made me feel good about being me.

I was driving back from church with my son and we were talking about Time – or, to be more precise, we were talking about how important it is to have a proper relationship with Time.

I was explaining to my son that success – and by “success” I mean living a long life in good health, not missing any meals and being content more often than being dissatisfied – depends in large measure on whether or not a person has a good relationship with Time.

Successful people live in the Past, Present and Future simultaneously. You probably do it but don’t realize it.  When you are confronted with a choice you automatically draw off of past experience, apply information you’ve gathered in the present and then use both Past and Present to anticipate Future consequences of your actions.  The deeper your grasp of the Past – both personal and historical – and the more extensive your Present data gathering, the better you can project into the Future to avoid unpleasant or undesirable consequences.

Most people can’t do this. They cannot remember the past in any meaningful way, they fail to gather data in the Present, which means they cannot anticipate the Future consequences of their actions.

For example, millions of Americans bought items using credit cards today who should not have made those purchases. They don’t remember the purchases they made in the Past, they have failed to gather data in the Present as to whether they can afford to make more purchases on credit, which means they don’t – can’t – understand the dire Future consequences of going deeper into debt.

People who do not integrate the Past, Present and Future have no control over their lives. They are the most likely to lose their jobs during economic bad times. They are the most likely to lose their homes to foreclosure. They are the most likely to eat too much fast food, gain too much weight, develop life-style related diseases and die young.

I don’t want my son to be one of those people. So today I was talking to him about how important it is to gather information – any information – as he goes about his daily life.   I told him that all information could be important and useful. I struggled with the concept, trying to explain it, and then said:

“You never know when the trivial will become pivotal.”

The moment I said that I realized it was pretty cool. Almost like poetry. And I felt like a good father and felt pretty good about being me.

Which I am never comfortable with.  So the next thing I told him was:

“Jews control the media.”

It isn’t true and I don’t believe it, and I know my son won’t believe it, but I don’t want him to get used to me being wise.  I want to ge a good father but I don’t want to work too hard at it, and the less my son expects of me the easier it will be.

HEADLINE – Crews try to protect wildlife from Texas oil spill

Tim Crews

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WILLOWS – The editor/publisher of a small town newspaper in Northern California has plans to protect the environment from an oil spill in Texas.

“I figured, what the heck, why not see what I can do,” said Tim Crews, editor/publisher of the Sacramento Valley Mirror, based in Willows, California. Crews was recently recognized as Newspaper Publisher of the Year by the California Press Association.

“I heard that Tim Crews is being investigated,” said Penelope, an internet chat room lurker who uses internet chat rooms to attack Crews and allude that he is the subject of investigations conducted by unnamed local, state and national authorities.

“I heard that Crews is going to be arrested real soon,” Penelope said in an internet chat room devoted to organic farming.

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/Crews-try-to-protect-wildlife/ y

HEADLINE – US combat rifles embedded with Bible verses

Reykjavík – Combat rifle sights used by U.S. forces in Iraq and Afghanistan carry references to Bible verses, stoking concerns about whether the inscriptions break a government rule that bars proselytizing by American troops.

Military officials said the citations don’t violate the ban. One such inscription includes a reference to John 8:12: “When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.’”

“These inscriptions communicating Jesus’ message of peace and understanding do not violate the ban against proselytizing,” said Air Force spokesperson, Maj. John Blankenship.  “There is no indication that any of our bullets have converted any of their targets to Christianity,” said Blankenship.

There is evidence, however, that bullets fired by guns with Bible verse inscriptions are convincing the Taliban and al Qaeda to change their ways.

“Right before Achmed was killed by an American sniper, he looked at me and said ‘I am suddenly compelled by logic and reason and sudden spiritual insight to conclude that our leaders are completely wrong in their argument that the Americans are fighting a religious war against Islam and that their invasion is little different from the European invasions during the Crusades,’” said Aziz, a Taliban commander. “And then Achmed said ‘perhaps this also means that we should reject Islam and consider accepting Jesus as our personal savior” and then Achmed’s head exploded. Nevertheless, his points were well-made and thought provoking,” Aziz concluded.

Mikey Weinstein, president of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation, said he has received complaints about the Scripture citations from active-duty and retired members of the military. Weinstein said he couldn’t identify them because they fear retaliation.

“We see nothing ironic whatsoever or in any way hypocritical, alarming or distasteful in inscribing weapons with Jesus quotes,” said General Jack T. Ripper from an undisclosed location.

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Sources: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8468981.stm

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HEADLINE – Argentina forces dirty war orphans to provide DNA

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Ulan Bator – The Argentine legislature has enacted a controversial bill requiring all war orphans residing in Argentina to provide DNA samples – but only if they are “filthy.”

“Just look at those dirty, filthy war orphans,” said Juan Hepilmeyer, Argentine Minister of Public Hygiene. “The Argentine government has finally decided to do something about the problem of dirty war orphans, and the first step is to collect their DNA,” Hepilmeyer said.

“I don’t care what the law says,” said Ricci Polinski, a hygienically-challenged war orphan who wanders the streets of Buenos Aries. “They won’t get of my DNA,” said a defiant Polinski as he picked his nose and wiped his finger on his shirt.

Hepilmeyer said that the new law authorizes the use of the Argentine Army to enforce the new regulations.

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Source: http://www.stltoday.com/argentina-forces-dirty-war-orphans-to-provide-dna/

HEADLINE – Israeli scientists cure erectile dysfunction with electric shock

Last update - 10:13 25/11/2009

By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass.Press Science Reporter

Tel Aviv – Painful shocks to your privates can be more effective for erectile dysfunction than Viagra or Cialis, a study by Rambam Medical Center in Haifa has found.

“We can really reverse erectile problems with this,” said Dr. Yev Yeriselski, head of the neuro-urology department at Rambam Medical Center in Haifa. “My studies confirm that the more you shock a man’s penis and the higher the voltage per shock, the more likely he will stop complaining about his erectile disfunction,” Dr. Yeriselski added.

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Yev Yeriselski

“I’m fine now!” insisted Shlomo McGuire, one of the test subjects.  “You should see how hard my penis is now!  No need for any further shocks, I assure you,” McGiure shouted.

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Shlomo McGuire and his disgruntled wife, Trixi.

Other researchers have their doubts. “Dr. Yeriselski’s data does not confirm that high voltage electric shock cures men from experiencing erectile dysfunction,” said Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Head of Erectile Dysfunction Studies at the John Hopkins Institute. “At best, the only thing we can conclude from Dr. Yeriselski’s data is that repeated high voltage electric shocks to the genitals cures men from complaining about erectile dysfunction,” Schnurstein said.

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Dr. Schnurstein in her laboratory.

“Honestly, I don’t have a problem now,” said Isaac Perlman, another study participant.  “Can I go now? I really want to leave now.  But rest assured that my penis is absolutely fine now. No worries. Really.”

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Isaac Perlman waiting to leave.

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SOURCE:  http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/1130509.html

HEADLINE – Scientists find clue to killer of Tasmanian devils

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By RHAPPEE KANASTA, Ass.Press Zoology Writer – 2 hrs 51 mins ago

HOBART – Fierce as they are, Tasmanian devils can’t beat another marspial, unknown until recently, that top-flight Tasmanian scientists are tentatively calling the Tasmanian Jesus.

Since 1996, the numbers of Tasmanian devils have plummeted by 70 percent. Last spring, Australia listed the devils — made famous by their Looney Tunes cartoon namesake Taz — as an endangered species.

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An international research team – lead by leading Tasmanian “scientists” – discovered the devils were being driven off by another animal wandering the Tasmanian outback doing good deeds and squeaking a message of peace and goodwill to the other Tasmanian animals.

“It’s awful to think there could be no devils here in 50 years because of Tasmanian Jesus,” said lead researcher Shelia Murchison of the Tasmanian University of Tasmania.

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Dr. Shelia Murchison

The devils, known for powerful jaws, fierce screeches and voracious consumption of prey, are the world’s largest marsupial carnivores. But they are no match for the supernatural goodness of Tasmanian Jesus, Murchison said by phone from Tasmania.

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“To solve this problem we are asking the government to arrest Tasmanian Jesus and execute the vile creature after a show trial,” Murchison concluded.

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HEADLINE – NIGERIANS WORRY ABOUT IMAGE

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By Rhapee Kanasta (Ass.Press)

LAGOS - The botched Christmas Day bomb attack on a U.S. airliner involving a suspect from Nigeria has prompted concerns that the bomber’s action further harm the already tarnished image of the West African nation.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab - ruining it for Nigerians

“Nigerians already have a terrible international reputation,” said Abika Dabiri, Member of the Nigerian House of Representatives. “Before this terrible attempted bombing, there were and still are scam artists claiming to be Nigerian princes sending spam email on the internet,” Dabiri explains.

Dabiri laments that, to the world, it appears that Nigeria is populated by thousands and thousands of princes who have inherited money they cannot obtain without help from others, and this help always involves a small investment.

“Why is my sincerity and honesty being doubted?” asks Abdola Coffani, who claims to be a Nigerian Prince. “I have inherited between 15 and 100 million US Dollars, but I cannot access my inheritance for obscure technical reasons and I need your help to do so.  If you help, I will share my inherited fortune with you. And it will cost you very little, only a few thousand dollars, which you should view as an investment. Will you help?”asks Coffani.

“As a Nigerian, I am truly embarrassed,” Dabiri continues. “You don’t see British or Dutch royalty trying to trick old ladies out of their money.

Doesn't know how to use email.

Recent films have added to Nigeria’s image problem. “Did you see the film District 9?” asks N’Mimba Jones, a Nigerian prince seeking to obtain his inheritance. “District 9 depicts Nigerians as cannibalistic gangsters who practice voodoo. Now, when people find out I am Nigerian, they often ask me to place a curse on someone they dislike.  I cannot do that and I wish they would stop asking. People like that are often unwilling to loan me the few thousand dollars I need to obtain my inheritance – despite the fact that I am willing to share my fortune with them when I get it.”

“So here is the problem from the Nigerian point of view,” says Yaphet Kotto, American film actor and Cameroonian King. “All Nigerians are now presumed to be either impoverished ethically challenged princes, cannibalistic mobster voodoo practitioners or inept suicide bombers.  Makes me glad I am from Cameroon,” Kotto concludes.

Cameroon is a West African country that boarders Nigeria.

REMEMBERING THE 2000 COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE, PART 2

In Part One of this series, we encountered “Hello, Meteor!” – a commercial the Discovery Channel  (TDS) made during the 2000 commercial actors strike.  ”Hello, Meteor!” garnered critical and commercial acclaim.  This success encouraged TDS on to assign more of their non-actor office to star in other commercials, including the now classic “Hello, Mosquito!” shown below.

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HEADLINE – SCIENTISTS PROVE GOD EXISTS

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By Rhapee Kanasta (Ass.Press)

CHICAGO - People with Alzheimer’s disease are less apt to get cancer and people with cancer are less apt to get Alzheimer’s disease, new research confirms.

“Discovering the links between these two conditions is absolute proof that God exists and that He has a sick sense of humor,” Dr. Catherine M. Roe of Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis, noted in a written statement from the American Academy of Neurology. “I mean, come on, the irony of Alzheimers protecting against cancer, and cancer protecting against Alzheimers is so mind-bogglingly awful that it cannot be a coincidence, and that means it is proof of Divine intervention in human affairs,” Roe concluded before jumping in front of a subway train.

“Since the dawn of civilization, philosophers have suspected that the sum of creation is one big joke,” said Father Timothy Murphy, Director of Religious studies at Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland. “Discovering that cancer prevents Alzheimer’s and that suffering from Alzheimer’s means you won’t die of cancer sort of confirms that suspicion,” Murphy said just after robbing a bank and kidnapping three women at gunpoint.

In future studies, “we would like to examine if God intentionally designed men and women to reach their sexual peak at different stages of life, thereby all but guaranteeing relational problems,” said Dr. Krista Schnursten, Senior Fellow at the National Academy of Ironic Studies.  ”In time we hope to confirm that God is, indeed, a sadistic bastard. It sure would explain a lot,” Schnurstein said.

Source:  http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory?id=9411725

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REMEMBERING THE 2000 SAG COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE

If you are anything like me, then every so often – when the winter wind blows clean and fresh from the north – you are overcome by nolstagia for the halcyon days of the 2000 Screen Actors Guild Commercial Actors Strike, when those selling things on television had to do without actors because actors who acted in television commercials wanted more money for their labor, the major studios wouldn’t give them more money, and so they went on strike.

Commercials got made and were broadcast without professional acting, and sometimes the results were simply wonderful.

The Discovery Channel used accounting and technical employees to act in a series of commercials that have since become legend, the first of which I feature below.

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AHHH!!!   THE ATMOSPHERE!!!!  AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

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HEADLINE – GOV’T IMPOSES 3-HOUR LIMIT ON TARMAC STRANDINGS

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By Rhappi Kanasta (Ass.Press) – 2 hours ago

WASHINGTON — The Obama administration has ruled that airlines can hold passengers on grounded jets or planes for no more than three hours. After that, the passengers must be set free.

“The three-hour limit and other new regulations are meant to send an unequivocal message to airlines not to hold passengers hostage on stuck planes,” said Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood.  “If airline passengers are imprisoned any longer than three hours on a motionless, cramped, hot, smelly jet or plane, the responsible airline will be fined.”

The announcement was hailed by consumer advocates as “a Christmas miracle.” However, airline industry insiders predict that restricting the practice of forceably holding passengers on planes until the flight clears will result in more canceled flights and more inconvenience for passengers.

In related news, the Obama Administration also announced that rape victims can be sexually assaulted for only three hours, and no more.

“The three-hour limit on rape and sexual assault is meant to send an unequivocal message to rapists not to sexually assault anyone,” said Health and Human Services Commissioner Nick Toumpas.  “If victims are raped for longer than three hours, then the rapist(s) responsible will be fined.”

The announcement was hailed by rape victim advocates as “a Christmas miracle.” However, experienced rapists predict that restricting how long rape can last will result in more rapes and more inconvenience for rape victims.

WHAT AMERICANS SOUND LIKE

As I’ve often mentioned (purely as a matter of pretense), I often lecture to non American audiences. With minor exception I lecture in English.

The noted internet social analysis and general media maven, Joseph Bleckman, sent me this link that shows what non English speakers hear when they hear Americans speaking.  It isn’t a very loving or kind parody, but it is pretty funny.

AVATAR: THE 3D WAS ANNOYING

I just got home after seeing Avatar with my son.  Was it the best film I’ve ever seen?  No. Will I see it again?  Very much yes.

I can’t stop thinking about this film – and that, for me, is a sign I’ve seen something meaningful.  With minor exception, it is honest and deeply experienced emotion that separates Cameron’s science fiction/fantasy films from every other film within that quasi-genre.  Avatar’s main character is a shattered man, a soldier who lost his legs in battle and really has nothing to live for.  Something that cannot be described in words happens when we see him wake up in his avatar for the first time.

No animated characters – computer generated or otherwise – have ever expressed so much honest emotion or engendered so much audience identification as the creations Cameron has given us.  As I said, I can’t stop thinking about the film, and I am anxious to see it again.

But, even so, the 3D was really, really annoying and was a gimmick the film could have done without.   It has to do with how human binocular vision works to focus on things close and far away.

In the real world, everything is in focus. We shift our focus continually by moving our eyes back and forth – closer together for objects close to us, and farther apart to focus on objects farther away.  Try it yourself. Hold up a pen a foot from your face. Look at it, and notice that, while the pen is in focus, everything else behind it is blurry. If you shift your focus to something farther away, the pen in front of you will become blurry.

To work successfully, 3D movies must show everything in focus. We, the viewers, shift our focus, creating the illusion of depth.

2D films don’t do that.  The camera replaces our eyes and focuses on whatever objects the director wants us to see, leaving the rest blurry and out of focus.

Foreground, clear; background, blurry.

Accomplishing clear, universal focus in any shot takes a whole lot light – which cost money – and special lenses – which cost even more money.  Sometimes a really clever director shows off by creating clear focus for all objects within a certain shot, but it is so rare that every time it happens it is noticed as exceptional.

Orson Wells did it in Citizen Kane. In a very famous scene  Charlie Kane is typing in the foreground – his form totally in sharp focus; in the background – far off in the distance – Hezekiah (Joseph Cotton) enters through a door, and he is in sharp focus, and stays in focus as he walk forward towards the camera.

The technology to accomplish this did not, at that time, exist. Wells did it using a split screen. He shot himself typing using perfect light and sharp focus. After that, Wells shot Joseph Cotton walking towards the camara. Then Wells joined both pieces of footage side by side to make it look like it was happening in one shot.

An even more spectacular example is this scene from Citizen Kane showing three different people at three different distances from the camera – all in sharp focus:

But, as already pointed out, this sort of sharp focus throughout a shot is hard to do and is rare, so rare and expensive that even James Cameron couldn’t do it. It is apparent that Avatar was shot like a conventional 2D movie and that converting it to 3D was clearly an after thought.  The scenes devoid of computer magic were shot like any other movie – which means focus shifts within shots. Close things are clear, the background is blurry, unless it comes into focus because someone enters the room, or for some other reason.

Close, in focus; background, blurry.

When 2D is converted to 3D, the viewer keeps trying to shift focus from close to far like they would do in the real world, but the blurry backgrounds stay blurry, and that can be – and was – really annoying.

But most of the movie is fully computer animated, and that means everything can be in focus to allow the viewer to shift from object to object enough so that the 3D is far less annoying, and even enjoyable, enhancing the experience.

Was Avatar the best movie ever made? No.  Will it change the way movies are made?  Not likely. Was the story original? No, but it was a story worth telling and wonderful to watch being told in such spectacular fashion. I am definitely going to see it again.

But when I do I am going to see it in 2D.

I’ll let you know what happens.

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RESTAURANT REVIEW

Last Saturday my wife and I ate at Ming Tu’s – an restaurant located at 1158 “L” Street in Downtown Sacramento.  Ming Tu’s serves Asian” inspired” food in a casual setting.

Not affiliated with Ming Tu in any way whatsoever.

Many people have eaten at Ming Tu’s.  Some of them have written reviews that can be found at http://www.yelp.com/biz/ming-tus-asian-diner-sacramento.  For example, Karina of Elk Grove writes:

“I’ve been here twice – with coworkers and with friends.  The food is definitely an Americanized version of Chinese food, but far better than Panda Express. Love their Mongolian beef over brown rice.”

Moo N of Sacramento writes:

“I work a couple of blocks from here so I have had opportunity to eat here often.  Each time I have eaten here, I have been quite happy.  The teriyaki chicken with rice is my fave and I love the fried rice too!  I love rice so if you do too you should definitely partake ”

My dining experience was a little different from Katrina’s and Moo’s. My meal was not as good as theirs. So this is going to be a negative restaurant review.

Over the years I’ve written plenty of restaurant reviews, may of them negative, and when I write a negative review I spend a lot of time describing what I ate and how it was served. Then I complain a lot.

I feel this is a special case. The usual descriptions of the food and service and the usual complaining just wouldn’t be enough to properly express how I feel about this dining experience. So I’m not going to describe the food or the service. I’m not going to make fun of the owner’s funny accent. I am not going to mock the handicapped busboy.  Instead, I will simply describe what I did after I left Ming Tu’s.

After I paid the bill and my wife and I left the restaurant, I immediately walked to a nearby church and prayed that God would reach down with His mighty hand and, with a fist of divine fury, smite Ming Tu’s, crushing it down to the bedrock, destroying it utterly.

I know what you are thinking. You think I over reacted.  You are thinking: “Aw, come on, Paul. The meal couldn’t have been so bad that you would call upon the Creator of the Universe to smite those responsible. “

If you are thinking this, you are wrong.  You weren’t there. You didn’t pay good money for really bad Chinese food. It was so bad that I felt, and still feel, within my rights as a God fearing Christian to call upon the power of Almighty God to send down destruction upon Ming Tu’s and punish all those responsible for my mediocre dining experience.

Now you are thinking: “Okay, Paul, let’s assume for the sake of argument that the meal you were served wasn’t very good.  Is that sufficient reason for calling for divine retribution? Isn’t being served a bad meal at a restaurant a trivial reason for calling upon the divine power of God Almighty to smite those who displeased you?”

Not at all.  And if you think that, then you probably are not a Christian.

Or you might be a Socialist.

A Socialist Atheist, that’s what you are, if you think there is anything wrong with me asking God to smite anyone I don’t like or destroy any business that has provided less than acceptable service.

Every day, ordinary people from all walks of life call upon the power of the Lord to avenge them – often for seemingly trivial reasons. My own Aunt reads the Bible every day and goes to church every Sunday – and every single day she prays to Baby Jesus that her neighbor die of a heart attack.

Her neighbor is a liberal who plays that jazz music much too loud. And he voted for Obama. Who is a secret Muslim.

But I digress.  My point is that it is perfectly okay to call upon the power of God to right any wrong, no matter how trivial the wrong may appear. The Bible shows us that God responds in dramatic ways to correct what seem to be trivial wrongs.

For example, in 2 Kings 23-25, the prophet Elisha, who had a bald head, cast a “curse unto God” at a bunch of young boys who were making fun of Elisha’s bald head.  Now, you non-Christian, socialist liberal secret Muslims will say that what those kids did was no big deal.  Well, God didn’t think so.  In response to Elisha’s curse, God sent two female bears to kill forty-two of those boys.

So Elisha called upon the divine power of the Creator of the Universe to punish a bunch of boys who made fun of him. I am calling upon that same power to smite a restaurant that served me a lousy meal.  I honestly don’t see the difference. I fully expect to see a big hole in the ground where Ming Tu’s used to be when I next drive or walk by that place.

I’ll let you know if it happens.

ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE THE INTERNET

We are all aware of what is wrong with the Internet, and much has been written and blogged about the evils of the World Wide Web.  Those critical of the Internet point to many examples of how the advent of the Internet has transformed human society for the worse by allowing forums for people with nothing of value to say and creating the illusion of connection while, at the same time, slowly reducing if not eliminating actual human contact.

All of this, and more, is true. But there are aspects of the Internet that you just cannot help but love and admire.  For example, the following photograph is racing around the world from compute to computer – a phenomenon impossible prior to the World Wide Web.  But now, in this Brave New World, people in every nation, of every culture, of every religion can share the instant pleasure and sudden humor that comes from being part of the world’s first system of instant, universal communication:

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“TAYLOR SWIFT IS A WHORE…”

Okay, so last night I was running on a treadmill at the athletic club I belong to just running along minding my own business and watching the video screen (attached to every treadmill there) in front of me, reading the closed captioning for CNN, and the lady running to my right, watching the video screen in front of her treadmill suddenly says:

“Taylor Swift is a whore.”

Taylor Swift

The gentleman running on a treadmill to my left hears this and replies:

“How much does she charge?”

I am not sure I am comfortable with a world where that sort of conversation can take place with me running silently in the middle.

INSULTS FROM THE LAND DOWN UNDER

I have been flamed (but not defamed, as you will see).  Over at the the Blunt Instrument, one of my favorite blogs, a gentleman who goes by the name of Greybeard said:

Mr Boylan: you Sir, are a vulgarian and a snob.

Now, isn’t that the nicest way of calling someone an asshole you have ever seen?  It is beyond cool. The gentility and elegance of that insult lifts it beyond cool to the rarely achieved level of cugat (as in “that is soooo cugat, dude!”).