GOV. SANFORD ADMITS AFFAIR

 

     By Paul Nicholas Boylan, Columnist

The author planning his summer family vacation

[Reprinted with permission of the Sacramento Valley Mirror, a small but mighty newspaper]

 

After disappearing mysteriously for more than a week, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford admitted he was in Argentina with his lover.

 

Governor Sanford feeling bad about his adultery

 

“I betrayed my wife, my family and the State of South Carolina,”  Sanford confessed last week at a press conference.

 

 

Sanford is a prominent Republican who was  considered a possible candidate to run against Barak Obama in 2012. A devout Christian, Sanford is married, has four sons and was a leader in the call to impeach Bill Clinton for having sex outside of marriage. 

 

Sanford and some other guy

 

But Sanford’s admitted adultery now casts doubt on his future political prospects.

 

No longer "presidential"

 

“Governor Sanford’s affair has alienated him from the Republican rank and file, who hold their public officials to a high standard, said Trig Tackman, Republican political consultant and fiscal conservative. “In these tough economic times, the average Republican voter will not forgive a married man with four sons who travels to another country to have sex with a foreign woman who ain’t his wife.  A true patriot spends his cheating dollars at home,” Trackman said.

 

A great place to engage in extra-marital sex

 

Even during hard times, adulterers freely spend money to conduct their extra-marital sexual adventures. “A secret love affair can generate huge amounts of money for local businesses,” said Vinny Slimp, Financial Director of Le Sex Shoppe – a nation-wide chain of adult novelty retail stores.

 

Vinny Slimp

 

Sally Kreplach, a fellow with the Kinsey Foundation, agrees. “Recent scientific studies based primarily on apocryphal data seem to indicate that the economic impact of sexual activity is affected by interpersonal factors,” Dr. Kreplach said. “For example, the most recent data shows that the amount of sex-related spending is lowest for married couples, highest for those couples engaged in extra-marital affairs and somewhere in the middle for monogamous unmarried couples.” 

 

An inexpensive evening for this married couple

 

Dr. Kreplach concludes that marriage appears to be the controlling factor in sex-related economic activity.  “I conclude that marriage appears to be the controlling factor in sex-related economic activity,” Dr. Kreplach said.

 

Dr. Kreplach relaxing at home

 

“I can always tell when a customer is married or not,” Slimp continued.  “Married guys always come in alone through the back door and don’t spend a lot of time browsing.  They buy some Doc Johnson products and then – zoom – out they go.  But with your  unmarried clients, you got your Steely Dans, your Mellow Yellows, your Double Intruders, your master-slave costumes and all the freaky stuff.  And the freakier it is, the more it costs,” Slimp said.

 

I'm not judging. I'm just saying it costs a lot.

 

“Affairs are expensive,” said Ishmael Ircoots, President of Ircoots & Ercoots, LLP. “Affairs take place in hotels and the adulterous couple order room service or eat at restaurants near the hotel where they are having sex.  Also, unfaithful husbands and wives try to hide what they are doing.  So, after an adulterous encounter, they throw out all of the stuff they bought at the sex shop or hardware store.  They can’t bring it home and they can’t leave it in the car because, if it is found, then the affair is discovered.  So all those expensive items have to be thrown out.  And that means the adulterers have to buy that stuff again, and again, and again.  And that adds up,” said Ircoots.

 

This speaks for itself. Really. It has a celebrity voice function.

 

Conservatives in South Carolina are critical of Gov. Sanford’s decision to travel to another nation to spend his sex money. They argue that the money adulterers invest in their illicit sexual relations should be spent closer to home “Why leave the country to commit adultery? There are plenty of places here in the good old US of A to spend those dollars.  That’s what Ensign did,” said Chip Beevey, Director of the Billy Bob University and Laundromat’s Sexual Ethics Department.

Senator John Ensign, also a Republican presidential hopeful, recently admitted cheating on his wife with a woman who worked for him.

 

John Ensign: also no longer looking "Presidential"

 

“Senator Ensign spent every night with his mistress right in his home state of Nevada, investing all of the money generated from his sinful enterprise in the local economy,” Beevey continued.  “Sanford should have remembered his duty to his constituents and conducted his affair in South Carolina where it is needed to stimulate economic activity.”

 

Another great place to cheat on your husband or wife.

 

Alberto Baracho, Chief Minister of the Argentine Chamber of Tourism disagrees. “You cannot pick a more perfect place than Argentina to have sex with a woman who isn’t your wife,” Baracho says.  “Not only is it romantic and exciting, but you can’t beat Argentina as a great value for cost conscious adulterers.  Everything is cheaper here – hotels, food, hardware used to make scaffolding and trapezes.  Everything.  Even life itself is cheaper.  Lets just say that Argentina is the best place to wake up with a dead prostitute in your bed,” Baracho concluded with a wink and a smile. “The local authorities are very understanding.”

 

Alberto Baracho

 

Even though Argentina may be a great place to have sex with someone who isn’t your  husband or wife, Gov. Mark Sanford believes he has learned a valuable lesson from his recent wrongful conduct. “I cannot fix what is broken,” Sanford said, “but I can resolve to do better.  I want you to trust me as Governor again. And to earn that trust, I promise that the next time I cheat on my wife, I will do it right here in the great state of South Carolina.”

 

Mark Sanford, ready to start again.