INTERVIEW WITH RICK SANTORUM

In this frankly fictitious interview, former senator Rick Santorum – the near winner of the recent Iowa Republican Caucus and candidate for President of the United States – discusses his views on birth control, gay marriage, the non existence of Palestinians and why it was an outrage for President Obama to take any credit for killing Osama bin Laden.

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Rick Santorum


PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Senator Santorum, you base your platform on what you call traditional family values, and that includes opposition to any kind of sex outside of marriage.

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Correcting his campaign poster to remove the word "freedom."

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RICK SANTORUM:  That is correct. If I were president, I would criminalize all sex with anyone but your spouse.

POE:  But haven’t our courts recognized the right to consensual sex between adults whether they are married or not?

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SANTORUM:  I don’t know of any court that has said that. But let’s say its true. If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does.

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POE:  You are also against all forms of birth control.

SANTORUM:  Yes. If I am elected president I will outlaw contraception. And I believe that any doctor that performs an abortion, I would advocate that any doctor that performs an abortion, should be criminally charged for doing so. Contraception is not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. Sex is supposed to be within marriage. It’s supposed to be for purposes that are yes, conjugal but also procreative. Sex within marriage is the only way that a sexual union should happen. And when I say marriage I mean good old American red blooded heterosexual marrige.

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Rick Santorum and his extremely unhappy family.

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POE:  You seem obsessed with homosexuals. Why is that?

SANTORUM:  I wouldn’t say I am obsessed with homosexuals but I will say that I spend most of my time thinking about them and trying to stop our society from recognizing homosexuality as anything other than an abomination forbidden by God.

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POE: So your opposition to homosexuality is religious?

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SANTORUM:  It starts with my faith but it doesn’t end there. There are lots of reasons to oppose homosexuality. First of all, they’re in close quarters, they live with people, they obviously shower with people. The argument that people are born homosexuals, like black people are born black, is a lie. There are people who were gay and lived the gay lifestyle and aren’t gay anymore, like Marcus Bachmann.

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Successfully choosing not to be gay.

SANTORUM: That isn’t the case for anyone that’s black. It’s a behavioral issue as opposed to a color of the skin issue.

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POE:  But you deny hating gay people.

SANTORUM: You can say I’m a hater. But I would argue I’m a lover. I’m a lover of traditional families and of the right of children to have a mother and father.

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POE: So you love traditional families.

SANTORUM:  That’s right.

POE:  And what is a traditional family?

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SANTORUM:  A traditional family is the kind of family God describes in the Bible – a father as the head of the family married to a submissive woman who cooks for him, cleans the home and bears his children.

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POE:  Okay, you love that kind of family. But that means you must hate other kinds of families.

SANTORUM:  There are no other kinds of families.  All other groupings are not families.

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Not a family.

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Not a family.

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Not a family.

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Not a family.

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SANTORUM:  I would argue that the future of America hangs in the balance, because the future of the family hangs in the balance. Isn’t that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending the sanctity of marriage?

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POE:  You are unabashedly against gay marriage and have said that, in the battle against gay marriage, it is a hill you will die on.

SANTORUM:  Gay marriage threatens my marriage. It threatens all marriages. It threatens the traditional values of this country.

POE:  You recently said in New Hampshire to a group of college students that marriage isn’t an inalienable right, that it is a privilege granted by society.

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SANTORUM: And I also said marriage is a right that society grants because it provides society with benefits.

POE:  Okay, so what you are arguing is that heterosexual marriage gives society benefits, so it is good and should be allowed, but gay marriage doesn’t give benefits, so it should be prohibited?

SANTORUM:  That’s absolutely correct.

POE: So what are the benefits that marriage gives society that gay marriage does not?

SANTORUM: Children.

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POE:  You don’t need to be married to have children.

SANTORUM:  Yes you do.  And if I am elected President, I will imprison all single mothers.  They all vote democrat anyway because the democrats give them money.

POE:  Are you thirsty? Hungry?

SANTORUM:  I’m a bit thirsty.

POE:  Okay, drink this.

SANTORUM:  Oh Jesus, I thank thee for the beverage this godless sodomite has given me to slake my thirst so that I may proclaim the wickedness of homosexuals and prevent our children from even learning that homosexuals exist so that they don’t ever get the idea and decide to turn gay.

POE:  You just referred to me as a “godless sodomite.” You think I’m gay?

SANTORUM:  Yes. You are clearly a liberal defender of sodomites who hates America and Christendom.

POE:  And you’ve come to this conclusion how?

SANTORUM:  You have a beard.

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POE:  So all people with beards are gay atheists who hate America?

SANTORUM:  Yes.

POE:  We are getting away from the interview, but I really think I need to point out that I am not gay, I’ve been married for over 22 years, have a son, and am a baptized member of the Greek Orthodox Church.

SANTORUM:  But you have a beard.

POE:  My priest has a beard.

SANTORUM:  Then he’s gay, too.

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POE:  And a liberal atheist who hates America?

SANTORUM:  Yes.

POE:  Because he has a beard.

SANTORUM:  Yes.

POE:  Moving on – oh, how was the mineral water I gave you?

SANTORUM:  Very refreshing. Praise Jesus.

POE:  I’m glad Jesus provided it.  Anyway, you also said recently that prohibiting gay marriage isn’t discrimination it is only discrimination to deny rights and marriage is a privilege and not a right.

SANTORUM: That is absolutely true.  The only rights any American has are those clearly described in the Constitution.

POE:  What about the right of privacy?

SANTORUM:  Privacy is not mentioned in the Constitution, so no one has the right of privacy.

POE:  So the police can tap our phones and read our mail without violating our rights?

SANTORUM:  Yes. Only those with something to hide have something to fear from being watched by the authorities. 

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SANTORUM: Do you have something to hide?

POE:  No, but I want to be able to scratch my testicles without the police watching me do it.

SANTORUM:  It is against the Laws of God to scratch your testicles.

POE:  You’ve never scratched your testicles?

SANTORUM:  No. Never.

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POE:  They certainly must itch.

SANTORUM:  They do.  Every blessed minute of the day.  Every second of the night.  But suffering is a good thing.

POE:  Yes, I’ve read where you use that to support your argument that the Government shouldn’t try to help poor people.

SANTORUM:  That’s right.  It doesn’t matter if someone is suffering.  Suffering is part of the human condition. Suffering is nature. And it is a punishment from God.  God punishes the wicked and makes them suffer.  Poor people are being punished by God for being lazy.

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A bread line during the Great Depression (1937)

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POE: How are you feeling?

SANTORUM:  Fine.

POE: You don’t look fine.  You look all clammy and you seem to be holding your stomach.

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POE: I’m fine. Please get on with the interview.

POE:  Okay.  So, according to you, marriage isn’t mentioned in the constitution, so it isn’t a right, so it isn’t discriminatory to let heterosexuals marry while forbidding gay people to marry.

SANTORUM:  Yes.

POE: What about civil rights?  Are civil rights found in the Constitution?

SANTORUM:  There are no “civil” rights.  The Constitution only recognizes criminal rights, so there are no civil rights.

POE:  Ah. So the “rights” recognized by the Civil Rights Act are really privileges.

SANTORUM:  Exactly.

POE: And, because they aren’t rights, it isn’t discriminatory grant some people those privileges while denying them to others.

SANTORUM:  Yes. Exactly.

POE:  So let’s say it is a privilege to be able to go into a diner and order a cup of coffee.

SANTORUM:  Yes, that isn’t right. It is a privilege.

POE:  So it is okay for the owner of a diner to choose not to serve homosexuals?

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SANTORUM:  Yes.  That’s his right.  Can we take a break?  I really need to use the bathroom.

POE:  Not quite yet. What about black people?  Is it discriminatory for the owner of the diner to refuse service to black people and serve only white people?

SANTORUM:  No.  Discrimination only happens when someone is denied a right. Being served isn’t a right because it isn’t included in the constitution. It is a privilege. So denying service to someone based on their race, or gender, or sexual orientation, or place of national origin, or whatever, isn’t discrimination.

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POE:  And you want to be President.

SANTORUM:  Yes, God willing.

POE:  Okay, moving on…. You’ve also said that there are no Palestinians.

SANTORUM:  That’s right. There aren’t any.

POE:  What about all those people who identify themselves as Palestinians?

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SANTORUM:  It doesn’t matter what they call themselves. They live in Israel so they are Israeli.  Palestinians are a myth.

POE:  Are there any other myths you want to talk about?

SANTORUM:  Yes.  Global climate change is a myth.

POE:  Why do you say that?

SANTORUM:  Because I refuse to believe it.

POE:  Like the existence of the Palestinian people?

SANTORUM:  Yes. Exactly.

POE:  So if you don’t believe in something, it doesn’t exist?

SANTORUM:  Yes. Life revolves around faith, and faith is belief. I don’t believe that  man-made CO2 is responsible for climate change. I don’t believe there are any Palestinians. I don’t believe in the theory of evolution. And I don’t believe that anyone is born homosexual.  So none of those things are true or exist. And I don’t believe the Crusades happened.

POE:  Do you mean the Crusades in the middle ages when European kings raised armies to invade Palestine to retake Jerusalem from Muslims?

SANTORUM: The idea that the Crusades and the fight of Christendom against Islam is somehow an aggression on our part is absolutely anti-historical.  Are we almost done here?  I really have to go.

POE:  We’re almost finished.  You also argue that President Obama deserves no credit for the killing of Osama bin Laden.

SANTORUM:  Obama didn’t do it. He ordered other people to do it. Obama didn’t do the hard work. The people he’s going after did the hard work. And that is an outrage.

POE:  So you are saying that people who make decisions and give instructions don’t deserve credit for the result?

SANTORUM:  I really have to go.

POE:  Actually, by my clock you have a few hours before the explosive diarrhea kicks in.

SANTORUM: What are you talking about?

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POE:  That mineral water you drank was laced with a chemical that causes stomach cramps followed a few hours later by explosive diarrhea.

SANTORUM:  You did this?

POE:  Don’t blame me. Remember, you thanked Jesus for that mineral water.

SANTORUM:  I need a doctor.

POE:  Suffering is a good thing, remember?

SANTORUM:  What are you doing?

POE:  Relax, big boy. I’m reaching into your pocket to take your wallet. Nothing more.

SANTORUM: You’re looking through my wallet!

POE:  Why not?  There is not right to privacy, remember?  Hey! What’s this I’ve found?

SANTORUM:  I can explain!

POE:  I thought you were against contraception.

SANTORUM:  It’s been there since high school!

POE:  Looks new to me.

SANTORUM:  Please stop!

POE: No. You certainly have a lot of photos in your wallet. Who is this guy in the cowboy hat and chaps?

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SANTORUM:  No one!

POE: I would like to thank Rick Santorum for being our guest today, and would like to remind everyone that he came within eight votes of winning the Iowa Republican Caucus, which means a whole lot of people agree with everything he said in this interview.  To all my fellow American citizens, I wish you the best of luck. To all my foreign friends, please pray for us, but please do not pray to the God Santorum worships.

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SOURCES:

http://www.ontopmag.com/article.6

http://www.addictinginfo.org/2012/01/05/31-rick-santorum-quotes/

http://online.wsj.com/article/wsj

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rick_Santorum

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9 Responses to “INTERVIEW WITH RICK SANTORUM”

  1. I take it POE denied Santorum the right, nay “privilege”, of using their bathroom?

  2. paulboylan Says:

    Yep.

  3. The GOP scares me. A lot.
    If you guys want to migrate here you will be forced to wear deodorant and not jump queues. These are obviously progressive ideas which your country needs to adopt.

    http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-01-10/liberal-mp-defends-migrant-hygiene-comments/3765424

  4. I read the article. I must say that I understand the lady’s sentiment. I, for one, often smell terrible when I patronize public transport – but I do that to more easily obtain a seat, especially in downtown Melbourne.

  5. Another classic piece of work Paul. Sorry you can never leave the USA as then the average national iq would drop to negative figures…

  6. Chaz, I went easy on Santorum. There is so much more that you simply would not believe. For example, I didn’t even mention him bringing a dead baby home, introducing it to his other children, and then sleeping with it for a while (all true). Everyone mourns the death of a child differently, but here in the US, the Cult of the Child makes some people fucking crazy.

    As for never leaving the US, I would emigrate in a heartbeat if I could make a living there. That doesn’t mean I dislike my country; it means that, as the American Dream slowly becomes so distorted (i.e., the worship of “job creators”) as to virtually vanish, you sons and daughters of convicts get closer to achieving it. I am tired of all the ugliness here, which is growing, and the smothering darkness that is descending. Like it or not, the puritanical oppression Santorum represents is America’s future. American may need me, but it no longer wants me and grows more hostile towards people like me with every passing day. I am shouting into the ever expanding void and the only people hearing my voice live in other countries, cannot vote here, and therefore cannot positively effect public policy.

    Which is why, for the most part, I enjoy doing it – it is really, really funny.

  7. twitter clone…

    [...]INTERVIEW WITH RICK SANTORUM « PEOPLE OF EARTH: ATTENTION[...]…

  8. [...] – it’s less sex. Or, at least, less sex that fails their definition of God’s will.  In the words of Rick Santorum: “Contraception is not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm [...]

  9. huesos para perros…

    [...]INTERVIEW WITH RICK SANTORUM « PEOPLE OF EARTH: ATTENTION[...]…

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