THE MOST DANGEROUS CONTINENT

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It is well known that Australia is the most dangerous continent in the world. Not only is it populated with the deviant descendants of criminals sent there to die, but didn’t

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it is also home to the most dangerous animals on earth – from salt water crocodiles that sneak up on and eat children and livestock

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to the gigantic Redback Spider 

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to the Blue Ringed Octopus – the most venomous creature that ever lived.

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I have just discovered the existence of another hideous antipodean creature.  A vicious predator, it waits high up in trees and drops down on unsuspecting children, women and tourists.  It is called the Drop Bear and, if my research is correct, it is nothing to trifle with:

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I am told by reliable sources that a generous layer of a magical product called Vegemite behind the ears will protect the unsuspecting tourist from Drop Bear attack and predation.

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I know for a fact this is true because I did it and was never, ever bothered by Drop Bears.

I don’t care if the locals laughed.  I slept sound – and safe (if not alone) at night.

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14 Responses to “THE MOST DANGEROUS CONTINENT”

  1. Classic, Paul. I must share this on Twitter and Facebook. Well researched indeed, professor. Love the pictures. I carry Vegemite with me at all times. Joanna :)

  2. I hear that vegemite also repels flies.

  3. This is true, Paul. Vegemite is a wonder food/repellant.

  4. It’s food?

  5. The incidence of drop bear attacks in Australia is on the increase, possibly due to global warming. :)

  6. Yes, Vegemite is food. Just don’t eat Vegemite after you put it behind your ears.

  7. Scurrilous! The Australian Penal Code (Support of Tourism Act, subsection 4, para 12) makes it an offense to publish, display or transmit any photograph of Havock. It’s right before para 13 on the deification of Steve Irwin. The potential damage to our tourist industry is enormous. The Embassy in Washington has been informed. Should you ever return to this country, expect 4 – 6 years in solitary on vegemite toast and water.

    Parenthetically (you do realise that the entire Australian tourist industry is a giant scam? We lure tourists from Japan to the outback so they can gaze at, and photograph, what? Nothing! Or as we like to say, nuthin! “Look at that” we say. “Miles and miles and miles of nuthin! Ya don’t get THAT at home do ya?” And they fall for it. “Wow” they say – translated from the Japanese. “Look at all that nuthin.” The lucky or rich ones are taken out into the very centre and shown a ROCK. Admittedly quite a big rock, but it’s mostly a matter of perspective because it sits there in the middle of NUTHIN. “Look” we cry. (Rich tourists get a ‘cry’ rather than a ‘say’.) “A BIG ROCK in the absolute middle of 7/10’s of the earth’s supply of sweet f**k all!” (The other 3/10’s are in Texas I believe). And they fall for it. And they go home and tell their friends “You gotta go to Australia! They’ve got NUTHIN!” And so it goes on.)

  8. ROFLMAO, oh grizzled one of the grey beard. Nuthin pulls our economy forward like nuthin, Greybeard, except maybe ambitious drop bears and black yeasty stuff that sticks to the roof of your mouth. You have a gift with the pen, young squire.

  9. I believe you can get them declawed. The injuries are much less severe.

    if they break skin, apply Vegemite. It is both repellent AND soothing balm.

  10. Just be thankful you didn’t come across any hoops snakes. They prey on drop bears you know.

  11. Fuck you, Bondi. I am not falling for that drivel about so called “hoop snakes.” You must think that seppo tourists are stupid. Well, we are not! We are very well informed and always on the lookout for a “tall tale” designed to make us look foolish. I know for a fact drop bears prey on hoop snakes, not the other way around.

  12. Hoop snakes also feed on Woolly Gropers. We didn’t mention these things before did we? That’s because the hoop snakes have eaten most of them and the rest are in the private collections of Russian mafia bosses.

  13. Fie Sir! We are proud of our fair land, and seek not to spread scurrilous rumours and falsehoods about our benign and cuddly fauna! Just watch out for the flora though….http://www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2001/02/08/243639.htm

  14. At least we know how to make best use of our, um, less cuddly wildlife. Try staring down THAT barrel.

    http://tools.ntnews.com.au/photo-gallery/photo_gallery_popup_preview.php?category_id=681&offset=6

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