Apparently, they’re glad she’s dead.

.

.

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – A peek into the past

We live in a amazing place in time and space.  Never before in the history of the world has so much esoteric information been literally at our fingertips.  For most humans there is little value in an instant – almost godlike – ability to access information.  But for people like me – who see the entire purpose of existence as a desperate devotion, an inevitably futile lifelong quest to intellectually and emotionally grasp the absurd – living in the Information Age provides a spiritual high every time we go online.

Which brings me to my new favorite website, List of the Day.  Check out great-olan-mills-photos.html  for a taste of what is offered.  On this one page someone went through the significant trouble of collecting together stock photos from some of the photography studios that proliferated in the United States during the 1970′s.  Here is a small sample of what is offered:

.

.

.

.

These photos were displayed as advertisement for a photo studio’s photographic services.  My, my, my, how times have changed.

.

BEYOND THE GRAVE – Interview with Ned Kelly

Famed “Bush Ranger” Ned Kelly returns from the dead to participate in a frankly fictitious interview where he reveals the issues he cares about most.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Mr. Kelly –

NED KELLY:  Call me Ned, cobber.

POE: Okay. Ned. It is a true pleasure and a real thrill to be speaking with you today.  I don’t mind saying that you are one of my all time biggest heroes.

KELLY: (Laughs, phlegm rattling in his bronchia, followed by a small cough) Hero? You don’t know anything about me, do you?

POE:  Actually, I know quite a lot about your life.

KELLY: Don’t come the raw prawn with me. You ain’t even Australian.

POE:  True, but I’ve spent time drinking heavily with Australians.

.

.

KELLY: Oh, okay, that explains it, then.

POE:   Ned, on 28 June 1880, in Glenrowan –

KELLY:  I don’t want to talk about that.

POE:  What? What else is there to talk about?  That’s when –

KELLY:  I know what happened. I don’t want to talk about it.

POE: But the shoot out, the armour you made and wore, it is legendary.

POE: It was possibly the most important moment of your –

KELLY:  Yeah, yeah. I’m sick and tired of hearing about it and I don’t want to discuss it.

POE:  Well, then what do you want to talk about?

KELLY:  I want to talk about the film.

POE:  What film?

KELLY: The one with Mick Jagger.

Mick Jager

POE: Ah… eh… what?

KELLY: I want to talk about that awful film where Mick Jagger played me.

POE:  What about it?

KELLY:  Awful film. Jagger was terrible.

POE:  Yeah, okay, so?

KELLY:  Jagger was nothing like me.

KELLY:  Know what I want? I want that movie made again, with a different cast.

POE:  Do you have anyone in mind?

KELLY:  As a matter of fact, I do. I want Daniel Craig to play the role of Ned Kelly.

POE:  Daniel Craig?

KELLY:  Or Johnny Depp.

POE:  Johnny Depp?

KELLY:  Yeah. Did you see him in Ed Wood?  Incredible performance.  Me and my mates were shocked he wasn’t nominated for the Academy Award. Fucking tour de force.

POE:  Mr. Kelly –

KELLY: Or a Golden Globe, although, between you and me, I suspect that show isn’t really on the up and up.  I think the fix is in, if you know what I mean.

POE:  Thank you so much for –

KELLY:  Don’t get me wrong.  I love Ricky Gervais.  That munter is comedy gold, he is.

POE:  I thank Ned Kelly for spending quality time with us.

KELLY:  That was quality time?

POE:  Next time, my guest will be Mary Watson, and I will finally get to ask her what animal she would be if she could be any animal at all.

MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

It has been a while since I’ve posted anything in this blog. Due to national security concerns – and because witches might be watching – I can’t tell you where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing, but I can tell you that I’ve been fighting the Liberal Menace, and by that I mean my gay next door neighbor, Ted.

.

My gay neighbor, Ted, and his special "friend" Glenn.

.

And by fighting I mean avoiding him at all costs and calling the police every time he has a party and complaining about the noise even when there is no noise.  Although the police no longer respond to my complaints, and I’ve been warned – and I quote – to “cut it out or Mr. Friedman [that’s Ted] will press charges,” I remain ever vigilant in my quest to utilize any and all means to oppose what I call “the Gay Tide” – and by “Gay Tide” I mean the swelling, undulating wave of liberalism penetrating our country and threatening the very fabric of the American way of life.

.

In other words, my gay neighbor, Ted.

.

But I digress. It is a new year and the beginning of a new decade. I feel confident in my impression that, as each of you greeted this New Year, you wondered “what are Paul Boylan’s New Years Resolutions?”

.

>

Ordinarily I don’t resolve anything when a new year starts.  It seems silly to make promises that either can’t or won’t be kept. It is so dishonest that it is un-Christian. Celebrating the New Year is really a pagan tradition founded by devil worshipers who glorified the “solstice” or something like that.  It is just like Satan to create a holiday where people get drunk and make promises they can’t keep.

.

>

So this year I decided to defy the Dark Lord and make resolutions that I CAN keep. Here are a few of them:

1.  Destroy my gay neighbor, Ted.

Since my local police department has clearly been infiltrated by homosexual sympathizers – or worse, by vegan vegetarians – and, consequently, is unwilling to do anything about my gay neighbor – who is, by the way, filthy – I’ve decided to take a more direct approach.  I will go door to door and speak to all of my other neighbors and explain why we must all shun Ted.  If we shun him, he will have no choice but to either stop being gay or move away. Either result will satisfy me.

2. Run over fewer cats with my car.

In 2009 I ran over way too many cats, causing expensive damage to my car.

.

.

Please do not judge me callous or uncaring because I mention cost as my first reason for resolving to kill fewer cats.  Even if I could run down cats cost-free, I would still resolve to do it less because I am quite fond of cats.

.

But other animals that are not cats – such as dogs, squirrels, raccoons, possums, wild hogs, ducks, geese, turkeys, quail, pheasants, pigeons, crows, egrets, blue herons, deer, elk, snakes and/or emus – had better get out of my way.

.

>

If I have to stop and wait for every dog, squirrel, raccoon, possum, wild hog, duck, goose, turkey, quail, pheasant, pigeon, crow, egret, blue heron, deer, elk snake, emu and baby seal to stroll across the road on their little legs or flippers, then I wouldn’t ever get anywhere and I might as well walk.

.

>

3.  Ask more often “What would Jesus do?”

I take great pride in my sense of self-honesty, which is eclipsed only by my humility.  As I’ve said and written many times and say again right here right now without the risk of hyperbole, I am possibly the most humble man who ever lived.  But, in all humility, my sense of self-honesty compels me to admit that I could be a better Christian.  And central to being a good Christian is asking the question “What would Jesus do?” when confronted by problems.

.

For example, I intend to ask myself the following questions during 2010:

What would Jesus do to stop Socialists form taking over America and taxing the wealthy so that poor people can get medical care?

If Jesus stands for anything, he stands for low taxes, property rights, helping working homeowners and punishing lazy poor people – like he did in Haiti.  I am fairly sure Jesus would not want poor people to have free medical care.

.

.

.

What would Jesus do about the Negro problem?

You know what I’m talking about.

.

.

Who would believe that American voters would choose Obama because McCain picked Palin as his running mate?  Since when did stupidity matter more than race? It’s downright un-American.

.

.

.

And now we have a black Miss America (again). Doesn’t the Miss America Pageant know that picking a black Miss America will only encourage those people?

.

I can’t figure it out, so I think I need to ask what Jesus would do about it.

Well, that’s it for now. My wife is reading over my shoulder and just told me that I am going to Hell.

.

.

I need to take some time and explain to her why God would never do that to me. But what I really need to do is ask “What would Jesus do about a wife like this?”

.

.