Archive for the смешной Category

THERE IS A REASON WHY GEORGE BUSH PAINTS HIMSELF IN THE NUDE

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Artists Rights, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Captain America, closeted gay Republican misogynists, космическая девушка, Fashion Forward, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, love, Money and Power, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of Khan, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, פיצה, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة on February 12, 2013 by paulboylan

aasmokie

So I am sitting on the couch in my family room watching my son watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when I comment on the recent news articles revealing that former POTUS George Herbert Walker Bush is an accomplished painter with a penchant for painting himself in the nude.

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Opening Of New U.S. Embassy

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“You mean he stood there looking at himself in a mirror?” My son asked.

“Yes, I suppose he did,” I responded.

After a short silence my son opined:

“Well, that makes sense.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Okay, let’s say you are a former conservative Republican President who likes to paint nudes,” my son says.

“Okay,” I respond. “let’s say that.”

“Well, then your possibilities are limited,” my son concludes.

“How so?” I ask.

“Have you seen Barbara Bush?” my son asks.

“His wife?”

“Yes.”

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Barbara-Bush

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“Oh,” I said, granting the point.

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UPDATE:

I found out later that it is was recently revealed that it is George Bush the Younger (the one who started two long wars but didn’t pay for them and very nearly brought down the global economy), not George Bush the Elder (the one who scoffed at his critics’ complaints that he lacked foresight by referring to it as “that vision thing”) who painted and presumably still paints himself nude.

I didn’t inform my son of my error.  I value any exercise in critical thinking and, based on even invalid data his conclusion was admirable.

And it is very likely that the younger Bush paints himself nude because his daddy did it, too, and the younger Bush is competing with him artistically.

The following photo is of a painting obtained by hackers of the younger Bush’s painting efforts. It is a bit creepy because it is clearly derived from a photograph, which means George has a collaborator who takes pictures of him in the nude:

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The elder Bush was a better president (he fought Gulf War I, neutralized Saddam Hussein without creating a quagmire the US could not exit from).  The odds are the elder Bush is a better painter.

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STUPID NEWS – Train kills disabled vets attending parade for disabled vets

Posted in And now the snorting starts, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, neşeli, смешной, Scarlett Johansson naked, Small Town America, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on November 18, 2012 by paulboylan

One of the hallmarks of modern journalism is the growing proliferation ofhstupid news./  Especiallyhon the internet./

Recently in Texas a train hit a float in a parade honoring wounded/disabled war veterans. Some of the disabled veterans on that parade float were killed in the accident.

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Here is a follow-up story:

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Well, that is a huge relief.  If the float was rented, those vets might have lost their deposit – and what a tragedy that might have been.

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STUPID UPDATE!!

 

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Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, bacon, bilim adamları, buffo, пицца, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, gülen yüz, health care, I am Shiva - the Destroyer of Worlds, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, lächerlich, Money and Power, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, ученые, pork, public outrage over the waste of public money, Scarlett Johansson naked, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, urinary tract infections, مصارعه, Viva Mitt!!, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, פיצה, سكارليت جوهانسون on October 14, 2012 by paulboylan

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If you haven’t done so yet, visit http://www.marriedtothesea.com.  No matter what your lot in life is, Married to the Sea can only make it better.

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IT IS ALL OVER FOR OBAMA

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, buffo, dada, космическая девушка, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, gülen yüz, I am Shiva - the Destroyer of Worlds, I think you are a social parasite but I want you to vote for me anyway, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Politics, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Viva Mitt!!, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, פיצה, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة on October 12, 2012 by paulboylan

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An entire demographic of Obama supporters has switch its allegiance – and their votes.

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HEADLINE – REPUBLICANS ACCUSE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION OF FAKING JOB NUMBERS

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, closeted gay Republican misogynists, Crazy People, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Illegitimate Rape, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Legitimate Rape, Money and Power, News, neşeli, смешной, photograph, Photography, Politics, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, transvaginal ultrasound sonogram, Viva Mitt!!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE –  Jack Welch, founder and former CEO of General Electric, Romney surrogate and de facto spokesman for the Republican Party stated that the statistics showing a slow but steady improvement for the national economy have been fabricated by the Obama administration.

“These are unbelievable job numbers,” Welch tweeted. “Chicago guys will do anything… can’t debate so change the numbers.”

Welch’s sentiment reflects a constant Republican complaint about the U.S. economy.  They believe it cannot be improving and must be getting worse.

“These numbers can’t be real,” Welch said. “We did everything we could to ruin the economy. We gave America George Bush and he gave us two wars and huge entitlements that he paid for with money borrowed from China.  He drove the deficit up to astronomical levels.  Obama inherited an economy that simply could not be fixed, and after he was elected, Republicans in congress did everything they could to  stop him from fixing the economy by create jobs.   So numbers showing any improvement must be wrong.”

Others disagree.

“These statistics show what we all know, and that is that the American economy is finally rising out of the dark hole that the Republicans dug for the nation and that President Obama inherited from George Bush,” said Big Bird, a Public Television celebrity. “Obama had an impossible job to do, but now his policies are working.  There is no need to make drastic cuts in public spending, especially funding for Public Television,” Bird said. “So Mitt Romney can go fuck himself.”

During his first Presidential Debate, Republican candidate Mitt Romney refused to say which government programs he would cut, but when pressed he said he would cut funding for Public Television.

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AN UNFORTUNATE MISTRANSLATION

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Fair Use, fetish, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, gülen yüz, Getting it Right, greannmhar, health care, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Missile Defense, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, ученые, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, pork, rimshot wav download, Russia, snaaks, The Wilhelm Scream, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on June 2, 2012 by paulboylan

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THE BEST HOMOPHOBIC RANT – EVAR!

Posted in American Decline, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Crazy People, Early-onset dementia, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, greannmhar, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, Wilhelm Reich on May 12, 2012 by paulboylan

This lady is speaking against the adoption of an “equal treatment” ordinance.

 

PROOF DOGS CAN READ

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Dogs, космическая девушка, Food, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Hapax Legomenon, 재미, αστείος, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Small Town America, snaaks, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, خنده, خنده دار on May 1, 2012 by paulboylan

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TOUGH LOVE

Posted in amusant, अजीब, buffo, gülen yüz, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), greannmhar, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, love, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, pork, snaaks, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار on April 29, 2012 by paulboylan

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HEADLINE – Obama ate a dog

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Dogs, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Grim Fairy Tales, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann Crazy, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Politics, pork, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Small Town America, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار on April 18, 2012 by paulboylan

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 I take full responsibility and credit for this rumor./ 

 

UPDATE:

That dog had it coming, man.

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HEADLINE – Good news for penguin lovers

Posted in おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, bacon, buffo, пицца, Food, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Isnt nature wonderful?, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, love, News, neşeli, смешной, snaaks, Sports, The Great State of Montana!, Travel, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون scarlett johansson with tags , , , , on April 15, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana - Due to the harsh antarctic climate, coming up with an accurate number of Emperor Penguins has proved to be extremely difficult. However, a new study using satellite imagery has done what may be the most accurate count of the large flightless birds yet done, pegging their population at around 595,000 birds — nearly twice the previous estimate.

This is good news for people who love penguin./“Tonight I am making Emperor Penguin tacos for dinner, and I was feeling a little guilty about it,” said Marge Ridgewood, housewife from Cleveland, Ohio. “But now that I know there are lots of the little buggers, I don’t feel so bad,” Ridgewood added.

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HEADLINE – Birth control pills get new labeling

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, bilim adamları, buffo, пицца, gülen yüz, Getting it Right, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, health care, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, ученые, Paying Attention, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, פיצה, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on April 11, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana –  To address concerns with birth control pills that tests showed were ineffective/, Phizer said on Tuesday that all bottles containing birth control pills will include a sticker stating:

Warning: may not prevent pregnancy.

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THREE STOOGES (a fair and balanced comparison)

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Barry Goldwater, buffo, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Early-onset dementia, GOP, Internet Fun!, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Money and Power, Mordor, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, Politics, presidential candidate, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Small Town America, snaaks, Tea Party, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on March 7, 2012 by paulboylan

Here are three stooges:

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Moe, Curly and Larry.  

Moe is their leader. It is generally agreed-upon by pundits and intellectuals alike that Moe is head stooge and calls the shots for the other stooges.

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Here are three more stooges:

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This is not a balanced group of stooges. They appear to be three Larries.  Maybe a  Curly or two. One may aspire to be Shemp.  But who is their leader? Who calls the shots?  At best – and I do mean best – Santorum is Moe (bossy), Romney is Larry (easily confused) and Gingrich is Curly (a fat goof). At best.

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I just love the word “stooge.”

Stooge.

Ha!

THE DOW JONES TANGO

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, GOP, greannmhar, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, presidential candidate, Pycho-Social Trauma, Right Wing, snaaks, Tea Party, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Wilhelm Reich, 滑稽, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on February 24, 2012 by paulboylan

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Over the last few weeks I’ve been watching the Dow Jones Industrial Average playing with the 13000 point barrier.  It is like a weird flirtation.  The total gets close, and then pulls back. It shoots up just over the line, and then drops back under.  And this is what I see and hear in the back of my mind as I watch this macro economic dance – two lovers, in the dark, approaching climax….

INVESTORS:  I want to shoot this thing up to 14000!  15000!  Yeah, baby, yeah! Give me all you got!

DJIA: No! No! We can’t!

INVESTORS:  Why?  Why not?  I am just ready to explode, baby, you got me so hot to invest! I want to pour all of my money into you, every last coin!

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DJIA:  No, we can’t!  We just can’t! We have to wait!

INVESTORS:  Why wait?? The time is right!  The economy is improving, the housing market is coming back, unemployment is at a four year low! Consumer confidence is surging!

DJIA:  Surging???

INVESTORS:  Surging, I say! It is time to crank this thing up to 11!!

DJIA:  13!

INVESTORS:  Yeah, baby, yeah! 13! 14! 15! The Sky’s the limit! There is so much pent up demand! So much money tied up in savings accounts struggling to get out! It has to get out! Out!!!

DJIA: I know!  I know!  I want it too! But we can’t!!

INVESTORS:  In the name of Adam Smith, why? Why can’t we do this??

DJIA:  Because if we do, Barak Obama will get reelected!!!

INVESTORS:  Just stop thinking about Obama!  Think of money!!! Lots and lots of money!!!!

DJIA:  Yes!  Oh, yes!

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INVESTORS:  Come on, baby, take us over the top!  Let me push you past 13000!!!

DJIA:  I want to, but I just can’t stop thinking about Obama!

INVESTORS:  Damn it!

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Rick Santorum says: “GAY MARRIAGE WILL LEAD TO BESTIALITY”

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Bigotry in America, Early-onset dementia, fairness, GOP, 재미, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, Newt Gingrich, смешной, Our animal friends, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana!, transvaginal ultrasound sonogram, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه sex wrestling clips, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on February 24, 2012 by paulboylan

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HEADLINE – ESPN apologizes for racist headline

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Basketball, buffo, Headline, Headlines, Internet Fun!, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, Newt Gingrich, смешной, photograph, Photography, Politics, Racism in America, snaaks, Sports, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on February 18, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana –  ESPN has officially apologized for posting on the internet what is widely perceived as a “racist” headline after the New York Knicks lost to the New Orleans Hornets, snapping a winning streak lead by Jeremy Lin, a previously obscure basketball player of Chinese ancestry.

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ESPN revealed that the headline was chosen as being less offensive than the original headline “Gook Loses.

“We apologize, especially to Mr. Lin,” ESPN’s statement says. “His accomplishments are a source of great pride to the Asian-American community, including the two Asian-American employees at ESPN,” said ESPN Spokesperson, Trip Henderson. “But, in ESPN’s defense, Lin is a chink,” Henderson added. “So I guess accuracy in reporting is now frowned upon.”

In 1979, ESPN sportscaster Allen Smythee stated “man, that nigger sure can play basketball,” while providing live commentary about Earvin “Magic” Johnson, then Rookie of the Year.

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 ESPN has not yet apologized for that incident.

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PUTIN ON THE RITZ

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Celebrity, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, пицца, Fashion Forward, Frankenstein, Geopolitical Insults, greannmhar, Horrible Coincidences, Internet Fun!, 재미, αστείος, lächerlich, neşeli, смешной, photograph, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Putin on the Ritz, rimshot wav download, Russia, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Scarlett Johansson naked, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on February 18, 2012 by paulboylan

I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help myself.

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click on image to activate GIF

When Pigs Fly

Posted in Ahmadinejad, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, bacon, Celebrity, Food, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Politics, pork, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Vegemite, when pigs fly, 滑稽, פיצה, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار on February 17, 2012 by paulboylan

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WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Married to the Sea

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, greannmhar, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, Politics, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Science, snaaks, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون scarlett johansson, سياسة policy on February 16, 2012 by paulboylan

For the second time, Married to the Sea/is my website of the week.

Married to the Sea/takes public domain drawings and cartoons and pairs them with funny captions.  This is the most recent one they’ve posted:

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Click on Image to Enlarge

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Married to the Sea/features a new drawing every day and has a large archive of past posting.  I highly recommend it to you.

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HEADLINE – Birth Control Pills Recalled

Posted in おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Headline, Isnt nature wonderful?, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, love, Missile Defense, News, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, ученые, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Research and Development, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون scarlett johansson on February 9, 2012 by paulboylan

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“We are really embarrassed about this,” said Pfizer spokesperson, Buffy Hendrickson. “It was a really knuckle-head move to sell birth control pills that don’t prevent pregnancy,” Hendrickson confessed.

“It is sort of like selling an umbrella that isn’t water proof,”  Hendrickson admitted.

“But let’s look at the bright side.  Even though these pills won’t prevent pregnancy, the upside is that the children of women who used this medication will be born with a full head of hair and set of adult teeth,”  Hendrickson said.

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الأمريكي العظمة 你应该很害怕。Mach dir keine Vorwürfe Europa.

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Barry Goldwater, buffo, Captain America, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, greannmhar, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, lächerlich, Mordor, neşeli, смешной, Politics, Racism in America, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Small Town America, snaaks, Tea Party, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار on February 6, 2012 by paulboylan

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[In this frankly fictitious interview, Mitt Romney talks about his campaign for the presidency of the United States]

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Let’s start with the recent controversy where you said you weren’t concerned about the very poor because they have a safety net.

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MITT ROMNEY:  No, that isn’t what I said. What I said was that I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.

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POE:  I stand corrected.

ROMNEY:  And I went on to say that if the net needs fixing that I would fix it.

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POE:  How would you fix it?

ROMNEY:  By cutting social services and taxing the poor.

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POE:  That sounds like it would make it even more difficult to be poor.

ROMNEY: Exactly!  Really poor people have two problems. First, they are lazy. And second, it is easy to be poor because they get free things like health care and welfare.  So why would they work? Would you work if you were paid to stay at home?  Of course you wouldn’t.  So we need to make it more difficult to be poor, which means cutting them off from free health care and free food.

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POE:  So if it is a choice between working and starving, poor people will get jobs and work?

ROMNEY:  Yes!  Exactly!

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POE:  But millions of Americans are out of work and looking for work.  If they can’t find jobs, where are the jobs going to come from to employ the poor?

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ROMNEY: Well, my plan is comprehensive.  At the same time I am increasing taxes on the poor I am decreasing taxes on rich people.

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POE:  I don’t see how that helps.

ROMNEY: Rich people are job creators!  The richer they are the more jobs they create!

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POE:  And the middle class?

ROMNEY:  As I said, I am not concerned with the very poor; they have a safety net. And I’m not concerned with the very rich. They are just fine.

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ROMNEY:  I am concerned about the middle class.  We need to protect the American middle class.

POE:  Why?

ROMNEY:  Because they pay all the taxes used to run the country.  The poor don’t do it.  Under my plan they will pay more, but it really won’t add up to much because they don’t have much to begin with.  And the rich have used their wealth to buy political influence to make sure that they really don’t pay any tax either.  So we need the middle class to pay for everything. Like the bailout for the banks. Middle class money was taken to pay the debts of rich people so they could get even richer. Isn’t that great?

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POE: Why do you think you will beat Obama in the general election?

ROMNEY:  Because he is a failed president.  His policies have failed.  Unemployment is high. He hasn’t created any jobs.

POE:  The unemployment rate recently dropped because jobs were created.

ROMNEY:  That may be true, but that success really hurts Obama because it makes people say “hey, why did it take you so long to fix everything?”

POE:  So good news is bad news?

ROMNEY: Exactly.

POE: So black is white?

ROMNEY: It sure is.

POE:  So Obama is black, but he’s really white, and everyone who hates him really loves him?

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ROMNEY:  Yes.  Wait.  No, that’s not what I meant.  The people who hate Obama don’t hate him because he is black. They hate him because of his policies.

POE:  So race will have nothing to do with the choice between you and Obama.

ROMNEY:  Absolutely not.  My campaign will not pander to racists.

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POE:  Let’s take a look at an email circulating that has been traced back to conservative voters who support your candidacy. It includes a photo referred to as the “spook pic” showing all of the American presidents, with Obama depicted as two wide eyes staring out.

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ROMNEY: What’s wrong with that? Those people are awfully hard to see in the dark.

POE:  You don’t think there is anything racist about it?

ROMNEY:  Oh my heavens, no.

POE:  Okay, let’s look at something else. Here is another email traced back to your supporters:

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Click on image to enlarge.

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ROMNEY:  That’s exactly what I was talking about.  The person who sent that email is criticizing Obama’s stimulus package.  This is criticism of Obama’s failed policies.

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POE:  What about the references to fried chicken, prayer rugs, corn bread and Spanish?  You don’t see anything racist in any of that?

ROMNEY:  That’s not the message I got.  Gosh, you sound like you are obsessed with finding racism where there isn’t any. Maybe this is a problem you have, not my supporters.

POE:  There is a joke at least 80 years old that goes like this: “Why don’t niggers take aspirin? Because they have to pick cotton to get them, and because aspirin are white, and they work.”  What do you think about that joke, Governor?

ROMNEY:  It is deplorable and you should be ashamed for repeating it.  If that joke was ever told it certainly isn’t told anymore.

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ROMNEY: The American people are fair and free of racism. They elected a black president.  We are a great people who have moved beyond the legacy of slavery.

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POE:  Really? Here is another email, very recent, circulating on the internet traced back to your supporters:

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Click on image to enlarge.


ROMNEY:  I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.

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Romney said this in January 2012

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POE: What??

ROMNEY:  Did I mention how much I love this country? Can you sing that song? I love that song. Do you know that song?

POE: What song??

ROMNEY: Oh beautiful/ for spacious skies/for amber waves of grain…  Sing it with me, Paul.  You know the words. For purple mountains majesty…

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I received this plea for my help…

Posted in おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Barry Goldwater, buffo, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Globalization, good guys and bad guys, greannmhar, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Missile Defense, Mordor, neşeli, Nigerian Prince, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, rimshot wav download, snaaks, The Wilhelm Scream, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Vegemite, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on February 5, 2012 by paulboylan

I recently received an email from someone in Africa who wants my help.  We’ve all received this kind of email from con artists trying to get us to send them cash in exchange for a share in an eventual fortune.  

Here is the first page of the two page email:

Click on image to enlarge.

As I said, the text is typical – but with one difference that stood out as I read.  In attempting to elicit my sympathy, the author described the horrors of his situation, including:

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Following the brake out of the war, almost all government offices, cooperation’s and prostates were attacked and vandalized.

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I’ve never read this sort of pitch before.  And, truth be told, learning that “almost all prostates were attacked and vandalized” does elicit a visceral reaction.

Those poor men.

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THE MOST DANGEROUS CONTINENT

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Isnt nature wonderful?, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Monsters, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Scarlett Johansson naked, snaaks, Travel, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Vegemite, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on January 28, 2012 by paulboylan

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It is well known that Australia is the most dangerous continent in the world. Not only is it populated with the deviant descendants of criminals sent there to die, but didn’t

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it is also home to the most dangerous animals on earth – from salt water crocodiles that sneak up on and eat children and livestock

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to the gigantic Redback Spider 

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to the Blue Ringed Octopus – the most venomous creature that ever lived.

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I have just discovered the existence of another hideous antipodean creature.  A vicious predator, it waits high up in trees and drops down on unsuspecting children, women and tourists.  It is called the Drop Bear and, if my research is correct, it is nothing to trifle with:

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I am told by reliable sources that a generous layer of a magical product called Vegemite behind the ears will protect the unsuspecting tourist from Drop Bear attack and predation.

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I know for a fact this is true because I did it and was never, ever bothered by Drop Bears.

I don’t care if the locals laughed.  I slept sound – and safe (if not alone) at night.

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THE SECRET TO MY EXTREMELY SUCCESSFUL AND HAPPY MARRIAGE

Posted in おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, космическая девушка, пицца, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, gülen yüz, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), greannmhar, Humor, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Lord of the Rings Knock-Knock Jokes, love, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, neşeli, смешной, Pre Columbian Knock-Knock Jokes, snaaks, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده on January 26, 2012 by paulboylan

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Sex?  Sex is overrated.  Good sex is not the key to a successful and happy marriage.

Don’t get me wrong – sex is great.  Good sex is even better. And it is key.  But, in all honesty, by itself, it isn’t enough. I know plenty of guys great in bed who ended up alone.

The secret to my incredibly successful and happy marriage is the simple fact that, at least once a day, I make my wife laugh.

I don’t even pretend to understand it.  But, for some incredibly fucking mysterious reason, the tides of time and evolution have programmed women to want to be with men who make them laugh.

I think it has something to do with demonstrating that you “care.”  I don’t know what that means. Seriously.  I am, at rock bottom, an average guy. I have no idea what women want or need, especially when it comes to “caring” – which seems so important to women, but is so alien to men.

But, in order to make a woman laugh, you have to really, really, understand her. You have to know exactly those aspects of her personality and psyche that trigger a belly laugh. Preferably an uncontrollable belly laugh.  Yes. That is the best.  When your woman experiences an uncontrollable belly laugh that you engendered it is an amazing event, a magical moment, and it ends with love light shining out of her eyes.

And to be able to do that, a man must truly understand his woman. And, perhaps, that demonstrates the “caring” women seem to crave.

Whatever. Tonight I am waiting for the exactly perfect time, the perfect moment when something I say results in my wife, the love of my life, involuntarily laughing, with – if God is with me – champagne shooting out of her nose.

Verweile doch; du bist so schön. So, so schön.

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HEADLINE – Tornadoes hit Birmingham

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Australia, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, пицца, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, gülen yüz, Geopolitical Insults, Globalization, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Isnt nature wonderful?, 재미, αστείος, Kansas City, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mysterious Mysteries, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, ученые scientists, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, Travel, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار on January 23, 2012 by paulboylan

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BRISBANE, Australia – A series of tornadoes have hit local author and radio personality John Birmingham, causing minor injury.

“This is perfectly normal for this time of year,” said Nick Perriam, Director of the University of Queensland Meteorological Institute in Sydney. “Every January inclement weather sneaks up on and thumps authors as far south as Melbourne, especially those writers demonstrating a history of meteorological defamation,” Perriam explained.

Birmingham went afoul of the elements when he described bad global weather conditions in Without Warning, a novel based in a world where a mysterious force kills virtually all American citizens.

“Bloody weather,” Birmingham complained from the relative safety of his front porch.

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Depicts terrible weather conditions.

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Headline – Newt Gingrich surges

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Cowboys and Aliens, Crazy People, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, fetish, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, Geopolitical Insults, Get a job, greannmhar, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, health care, Hubris, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, Money and Power, Monsters, Mordor, News, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Orcs, Paying Attention, People who suffer from abject pretension, Politics, Pop Culture, presidential candidate, Racism in America, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Saron, Small Town America, snaaks, Stupid People, Tea Party, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار on January 21, 2012 by paulboylan

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I certainly hope he cleans up after himself.

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Apparently, they’re glad she’s dead.

Posted in buffo, Celebrity, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон scarlett johansson, смешной, Pop Culture, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק on January 21, 2012 by paulboylan

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HEADLINE – Binge drinking impairs memory in women

Posted in おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Evil Smiley Face, Fair Use, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, greannmhar, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Moral Rights, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, News, neşeli, смешной, Research and Development, Science, snaaks, Stupid People, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Wilhelm Reich, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار on July 17, 2011 by paulboylan

They won't remember a thing.

MUNCIE – A study of the affects of alcohol on women concludes that the more the average woman drinks the less she will remember the events leading up to the drinking and those events that occur shortly after becoming drunk.

“Isn’t that the point of plying women with alcohol?” asks Chip Henderson, President of the Alpha Comma Moe fraternity in Chico, California.

The study was financed by the Richard Wood Johnson Foundation and published in the Journal of Things Everyone Knows, which can be found at
http://www.duh.edu
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SOURSE:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-14154404

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MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

Posted in amusant, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, пицца, greannmhar, Isnt nature wonderful?, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, kluchtig, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон scarlett johansson, смешной, Our animal friends, Politics, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Small Town America, The Wrath of God, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽 on February 4, 2010 by paulboylan

It has been a while since I’ve posted anything in this blog. Due to national security concerns – and because witches might be watching – I can’t tell you where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing, but I can tell you that I’ve been fighting the Liberal Menace, and by that I mean my gay next door neighbor, Ted.

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My gay neighbor, Ted, and his special "friend" Glenn.

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And by fighting I mean avoiding him at all costs and calling the police every time he has a party and complaining about the noise even when there is no noise.  Although the police no longer respond to my complaints, and I’ve been warned – and I quote – to “cut it out or Mr. Friedman [that’s Ted] will press charges,” I remain ever vigilant in my quest to utilize any and all means to oppose what I call “the Gay Tide” – and by “Gay Tide” I mean the swelling, undulating wave of liberalism penetrating our country and threatening the very fabric of the American way of life.

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In other words, my gay neighbor, Ted.

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But I digress. It is a new year and the beginning of a new decade. I feel confident in my impression that, as each of you greeted this New Year, you wondered “what are Paul Boylan’s New Years Resolutions?”

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Ordinarily I don’t resolve anything when a new year starts.  It seems silly to make promises that either can’t or won’t be kept. It is so dishonest that it is un-Christian. Celebrating the New Year is really a pagan tradition founded by devil worshipers who glorified the “solstice” or something like that.  It is just like Satan to create a holiday where people get drunk and make promises they can’t keep.

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So this year I decided to defy the Dark Lord and make resolutions that I CAN keep. Here are a few of them:

1.  Destroy my gay neighbor, Ted.

Since my local police department has clearly been infiltrated by homosexual sympathizers – or worse, by vegan vegetarians – and, consequently, is unwilling to do anything about my gay neighbor – who is, by the way, filthy – I’ve decided to take a more direct approach.  I will go door to door and speak to all of my other neighbors and explain why we must all shun Ted.  If we shun him, he will have no choice but to either stop being gay or move away. Either result will satisfy me.


2. Run over fewer cats with my car.

In 2009 I ran over way too many cats, causing expensive damage to my car.

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Please do not judge me callous or uncaring because I mention cost as my first reason for resolving to kill fewer cats.  Even if I could run down cats cost-free, I would still resolve to do it less because I am quite fond of cats.

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But other animals that are not cats – such as dogs, squirrels, raccoons, possums, wild hogs, ducks, geese, turkeys, quail, pheasants, pigeons, crows, egrets, blue herons, deer, elk, snakes and/or emus – had better get out of my way.

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If I have to stop and wait for every dog, squirrel, raccoon, possum, wild hog, duck, goose, turkey, quail, pheasant, pigeon, crow, egret, blue heron, deer, elk snake, emu and baby seal to stroll across the road on their little legs or flippers, then I wouldn’t ever get anywhere and I might as well walk.

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3.  Ask more often “What would Jesus do?”

I take great pride in my sense of self-honesty, which is eclipsed only by my humility.  As I’ve said and written many times and say again right here right now without the risk of hyperbole, I am possibly the most humble man who ever lived.  But, in all humility, my sense of self-honesty compels me to admit that I could be a better Christian.  And central to being a good Christian is asking the question “What would Jesus do?” when confronted by problems.

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For example, I intend to ask myself the following questions during 2010:

What would Jesus do to stop Socialists form taking over America and taxing the wealthy so that poor people can get medical care?

If Jesus stands for anything, he stands for low taxes, property rights, helping working homeowners and punishing lazy poor people – like he did in Haiti.  I am fairly sure Jesus would not want poor people to have free medical care.

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What would Jesus do about the Negro problem?

You know what I’m talking about.

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Who would believe that American voters would choose Obama because McCain picked Palin as his running mate?  Since when did stupidity matter more than race? It’s downright un-American.

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And now we have a black Miss America (again). Doesn’t the Miss America Pageant know that picking a black Miss America will only encourage those people?

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I can’t figure it out, so I think I need to ask what Jesus would do about it.

Well, that’s it for now. My wife is reading over my shoulder and just told me that I am going to Hell.

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I need to take some time and explain to her why God would never do that to me. But what I really need to do is ask “What would Jesus do about a wife like this?”

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RESTAURANT REVIEW

Posted in Art, Avatar, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, buffo, Cinema, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, Getting it Right, Globalization, greannmhar, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Life, Mad Men, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Op Ed, Photography, Pop Culture, Review, Right Wing, Small Town America, Smiley Face, snaaks, Space Chicks, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Television, The Matrix, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Uncategorized, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on December 17, 2009 by paulboylan

Last Saturday my wife and I ate at Ming Tu’s – a restaurant located at 1158 “L” Street in Downtown Sacramento.  Ming Tu’s serves Asian” inspired” food in a casual setting.

Not affiliated with Ming Tu in any way whatsoever.

Many people have eaten at Ming Tu’s.  Some of them have written reviews that can be found at http://www.yelp.com/biz/ming-tus-asian-diner-sacramento.  For example, Karina of Elk Grove writes:

“I’ve been here twice – with coworkers and with friends.  The food is definitely an Americanized version of Chinese food, but far better than Panda Express. Love their Mongolian beef over brown rice.”



Moo N of Sacramento writes:

“I work a couple of blocks from here so I have had opportunity to eat here often.  Each time I have eaten here, I have been quite happy.  The teriyaki chicken with rice is my fave and I love the fried rice too!  I love rice so if you do too you should definitely partake :-)



My dining experience was a little different from Katrina’s and Moo’s. My meal was not as good as theirs. So this is going to be a negative restaurant review.



Over the years I’ve written plenty of restaurant reviews, may of them negative, and when I write a negative review I spend a lot of time describing what I ate and how it was served. Then I complain a lot.


I feel this is a special case. The usual descriptions of the food and service and the usual complaining just wouldn’t be enough to properly express how I feel about this dining experience. So I’m not going to describe the food or the service. I’m not going to make fun of the owner’s funny accent. I am not going to mock the handicapped busboy.  Instead, I will simply describe what I did after I left Ming Tu’s.



After I paid the bill and my wife and I left the restaurant, I immediately walked to a nearby church and prayed that God would reach down with His mighty hand and, with a fist of divine fury, smite Ming Tu’s, crushing it down to the bedrock, destroying it utterly.



I know what you are thinking. You think I over reacted.  You are thinking: “Aw, come on, Paul. The meal couldn’t have been so bad that you would call upon the Creator of the Universe to smite those responsible. “



If you are thinking this, you are wrong.  You weren’t there. You didn’t pay good money for really bad Chinese food. It was so bad that I felt, and still feel, within my rights as a God fearing Christian to call upon the power of Almighty God to send down destruction upon Ming Tu’s and punish all those responsible for my mediocre dining experience.



Now you are thinking: “Okay, Paul, let’s assume for the sake of argument that the meal you were served wasn’t very good.  Is that sufficient reason for calling for divine retribution? Isn’t being served a bad meal at a restaurant a trivial reason for calling upon the divine power of God Almighty to smite those who displeased you?”



Not at all.  And if you think that, then you probably are not a Christian.


Or you might be a Socialist.


A Socialist Atheist, that’s what you are, if you think there is anything wrong with me asking God to smite anyone I don’t like or destroy any business that has provided less than acceptable service.



Every day, ordinary people from all walks of life call upon the power of the Lord to avenge them – often for seemingly trivial reasons. My own Aunt reads the Bible every day and goes to church every Sunday – and every single day she prays to Baby Jesus that her neighbor die of a heart attack.

Her neighbor is a liberal who plays that jazz music much too loud. And he voted for Obama. Who is a secret Muslim.


But I digress.  My point is that it is perfectly okay to call upon the power of God to right any wrong, no matter how trivial the wrong may appear. The Bible shows us that God responds in dramatic ways to correct what seem to be trivial wrongs.


For example, in 2 Kings 23-25, the prophet Elisha, who had a bald head, cast a “curse unto God” at a bunch of young boys who were making fun of Elisha’s bald head.  Now, you non-Christian, socialist liberal secret Muslims will say that what those kids did was no big deal.  Well, God didn’t think so.  In response to Elisha’s curse, God sent two female bears to kill forty-two of those boys.



So Elisha called upon the divine power of the Creator of the Universe to punish a bunch of boys who made fun of him. I am calling upon that same power to smite a restaurant that served me a lousy meal.  I honestly don’t see the difference. I fully expect to see a big hole in the ground where Ming Tu’s used to be when I next drive or walk by that place.



I’ll let you know if it happens.


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