EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW – JOHN BOEHNER

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House of Representatives Republican Majority Leader John Boehner recently stated “Obama wants to obliterate the Republican Party.” Boehner’s complaint has inspired me to draft a fake interview where he explains why Obama needs to do anything at all to destroy the GOP when the GOP is doing a fine job of destroying itself.

I haven’t finished writing the interview yet, but I have collected together the photos I will use for illustration:

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THERE IS A REASON WHY GEORGE BUSH PAINTS HIMSELF IN THE NUDE

So I am sitting on the couch in my family room watching my son watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when I comment on the recent news articles revealing that former POTUS George Herbert Walker Bush is an accomplished painter with a penchant for painting himself in the nude.

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“You mean he stood there looking at himself in a mirror?” My son asked.

“Yes, I suppose he did,” I responded.

After a short silence my son opined:

“Well, that makes sense.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Okay, let’s say you are a former conservative Republican President who likes to paint nudes,” my son says.

“Okay,” I respond. “let’s say that.”

“Well, then your possibilities are limited,” my son concludes.

“How so?” I ask.

“Have you seen Barbara Bush?” my son asks.

“His wife?”

“Yes.”

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“Oh,” I said, granting the point.

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UPDATE:

I found out later that it is was recently revealed that it is George Bush the Younger (the one who started two long wars but didn’t pay for them and very nearly brought down the global economy), not George Bush the Elder (the one who scoffed at his critics’ complaints that he lacked foresight by referring to it as “that vision thing”) who painted and presumably still paints himself nude.

I didn’t inform my son of my error.  I value any exercise in critical thinking and, based on even invalid data his conclusion was admirable.

And it is very likely that the younger Bush paints himself nude because his daddy did it, too, and the younger Bush is competing with him artistically.

The following photo is of a painting obtained by hackers of the younger Bush’s painting efforts. It is a bit creepy because it is clearly derived from a photograph, which means George has a collaborator who takes pictures of him in the nude:

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The elder Bush was a better president (he fought Gulf War I, neutralized Saddam Hussein without creating a quagmire the US could not exit from).  The odds are the elder Bush is a better painter.

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If you haven’t done so yet, visit http://www.marriedtothesea.com.  No matter what your lot in life is, Married to the Sea can only make it better.

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IT IS ALL OVER FOR OBAMA

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An entire demographic of Obama supporters has switch its allegiance – and their votes.

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blacks-for-romney

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HEADLINE – DONALD TRUMP SAYS “VENGEANCE IS A CHRISTIAN VALUE”

 

“Jesus wants me to take vengeance against my hair stylist.”

MUNCIE –   During a speech on Monday at the Lynchburg, Virginia Christian college, Liberty University, Donald Trump gave the assembled Christian students some advice: “Get even.”

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“A few of you may say my advice is anti-Christian. Wrong!” Trump said.

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A student pointed out that Trumps advice conflicts with Christ’s Sermon on the Mount recorded in chapters 5-7 of the Gospel of Matthew, where Jesus tells his followers to reject the Old Testament rules on eye-for-an-eye justice and, if slapped, turn the other cheek rather than retaliate.

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 ”Don’t believe any of that malarky,” Trump responded.  ”Jesus was being misquoted by the liberal media.”

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The liberal media makes Jesus very, very angry.

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“Believe me, the central message of Christianity is “every man for himself” and “always kick a man when he’s down because there is no better time to do it,” Trump said.

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Trump, married three times, then advised the assembled students to get prenuptial agreements before they get married.

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“Jesus wasn’t married and I know why,” Trump said.  ”It is because they didn’t have prenuptial agreements in those days so if you got married you were screwed if you wanted to get out of it, especially if you had a lot of money and the woman seduced you because she wanted your money.  But Jesus avoided all of that by not getting married. I’m not saying he didn’t play the field. He just didn’t get married.  I am absolutely sure that, if Jesus had access to a prenuptial agreement, he would have been married. At least once.”

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Maybe more than once.

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The university has posted a video of Trump’s speech on its website, noting that Chancellor Falwell introduced Trump as ”one of the greatest visionaries of our time.”

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DEAR CANADA: SORRY ABOUT ALL THE STUPID PEOPLE

Dear Canada:

First of all, how is the weather?  Good I hope?  Global climate change is going to be really good for you.  As the U.S. heartland transforms into a vast desert, the wheat growing regions are moving north into Canada, making you into the bread basket of the world (like we used to be).  And don’t even get me started on how much money you are going to make when the Arctic Ocean ice cap melts, opening up direct shipping from Canada to Asia, not to mention the resources of the Arctic you will be well-positioned to exploit, like easy to get offshore oil and natural gas (you lucky stiffs!). I hear you already have plans to sell that oil to China, transporting it cheaply across the Arctic Ocean to Russia and then via pipeline or train to China. Hot damn (no pun intended)!

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And how is your population?  Growing?  Healthy?  Life expectancy better than your neighbors to the south?  Great.  Really good.

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I’m writing to apologize, in advance, for the mob of stupid people who are headed your way from the United States.  Here is what happened:  the United States Supreme Court has upheld President Obama’s attempt to create a national health care system like you have, like Europe has, and like the rest of the civilized world has.

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This has upset a lot of really stupid people.  They don’t want improved health care. In response to the Supreme Court’s decision, this group of really stupid people have vowed to leave the United States and emigrate to Canada.

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No. Seriously.  Seriously.  I’m not kidding.  I know I am a kidder, and we’ve shares some really good jokes, but this time I’m not joking. Look, here are some tweets from some of the stupid people headed your way:

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Yes, I know how funny that is. Yes, I know that Canada has a national health care system.  But I told you these are stupid people.  And they are on their way north to you.

THANK YOU, CANADA!

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Thank you for taking our idiots.

Consider it payback for Celine Dion, curling and that joke you call bacon.

Even though they are idiots, I think they are in for a big shock.

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Sincerely,

Paul

A SHORT CONVERSATION WITH MY WIFE

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June 6, 2012, 8:55 AM:

My wife just walked into my office, affected a New Jersey accent, and said:

You know how they say you should be careful about what you wish for, well I wished to be frickin’ awesome, and it’s worked out pretty good for me.

And then she walked back into our bedroom to continue getting ready for work.

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AN UNFORTUNATE MISTRANSLATION

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MY NEW AVATAR

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I know exactly what that dog is thinking.
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HOW NEWS REALLY WORKS

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AWFUL FORTUNE

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I don’t know about you, but I expect a little more from my fortune cookies.

For example:

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SOME PARENTS SHOULDN’T BE PARENTS

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“Pout, baby, pout! Give me all you got! Oh yeah… Yeah! That’s it. Now walk slower. No, slower….”

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At least they didn’t dress her up like a pot of honey.

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WHAT IS ART?

I often ask the question “what is art?”  A day doesn’t go by that I don’t ask myself that question over and over again.  

I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and have a large list of questions I ask my self over and over again, primarily because I can’t help myself: that is the nature of OCD – those with the disorder cannot help doing things over and over and over again.  For example, in addition to asking myself “what is art?” I also habitually ask myself “why is a second as long as it  is?”  Seriously. Why?  Why is a second as long as it is?  Who decided?

But I digress. In the same manner that I am fascinated with the history of seemingly arbitrary units of measurement, I am also fascinated by the question of what makes art different from stuff that isn’t art.

After long and obsessive (if not compulsive) pondering, I have concluded that art communicates.  Art has something to say. If it doesn’t have anything to say, then it isn’t art.

Art is a conversation that is multidimensional.  It is a conversation between the artist and viewer.  The conversation can be intellectual.

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It can be emotional.

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And the art people choose to put up in their homes communicates volumes about the person who acquired that art.

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Allow me to attempt to illustrate my thesis with an example drawn from my own life.  Below is a painting my wife purchased for our home.

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Beautiful, isn’t it? This painting is an extremely good example of my wife’s personality.  When I see it on the wall I smile and think of her.

Below is a painting that I recently purchased because it spoke to me. When I a saw it I knew I had to have it.  I wanted to look up and see it in my home.  And, I suspect that my decision to purchase this painting says a great deal about me.

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I can imagine your reaction. You think I’m kidding.  You’ve read my blog and think this is some kind of joke.  It isn’t a joke.  I bought that painting.  Here it it up on my family room wall:

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I just love it. When I look at it I smile because of the multidimensional message it communicates.

The most amazing thing, however, about my new painting is that my wife agreed to let me put it up at all.  I think she did it because the pleasure it provides me is greater than the deep revulsion she feels when she looks at it.

I’ve decided to push my luck.  I’ve found a new painting that I simply must have. I must own it and must place it on a wall within my home.  I love it because it speaks directly to my appreciation for those intrepid 19th Century artists who left civilization to travel through the America West to chronicle the Native American, or “the Noble Savage” as those artists called them.

I found a painting of a Noble Savage – sitting proud and noble – on his trusty Uniclown.

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I simply must own it.

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TOUGH LOVE

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Who has two thumbs and wants to free Syria?

This guy.

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Click on photo to enlarge. This guy is really intent on freeing Syria.

HEADLINE – Obama ate a dog

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 I take full responsibility and credit for this rumor./ 

 

UPDATE:

That dog had it coming, man.

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HEADLINE – Good news for penguin lovers

MUNCIE, Indiana - Due to the harsh antarctic climate, coming up with an accurate number of Emperor Penguins has proved to be extremely difficult. However, a new study using satellite imagery has done what may be the most accurate count of the large flightless birds yet done, pegging their population at around 595,000 birds — nearly twice the previous estimate.

This is good news for people who love penguin./“Tonight I am making Emperor Penguin tacos for dinner, and I was feeling a little guilty about it,” said Marge Ridgewood, housewife from Cleveland, Ohio. “But now that I know there are lots of the little buggers, I don’t feel so bad,” Ridgewood added.

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REAL HEADLINES

Must have been a slow news day.

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HEADLINE – Egypt’s Coptic Christians hold second vigil for Pope Shenouda

CAIRO – The huge success of Pope Shenouda’s first vigil has prompted vigil organizers to hold a second vigil.

“The first vigil was the best vigil ever,” enthused Rhappi Kanasta, vigil organizer. “The crowds were so big we had to turn away thousands of disappointed people,” Kanasta said.

“I was really sad when I couldn’t get into the first vigil,” said Selma Heptman, who purchased tickets but was turned away at the gate. “But now there will be a second vigil, and I am going to go wait in line the night before to make sure I get a good seat,” Heptman said.

Vigil organizers have not ruled out holding a third vigil in the coming weeks.

“It all depends on the demand,” Kanasta said. “But I can tell you we haven’t seen anything like this since the Paul McCartney concert last June.”

“You’ve seen the body. Now buy the T-shirt,” Kanasta added.

THREE STOOGES (a fair and balanced comparison)

Here are three stooges:

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Moe, Curly and Larry.  

Moe is their leader. It is generally agreed-upon by pundits and intellectuals alike that Moe is head stooge and calls the shots for the other stooges.

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Here are three more stooges:

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This is not a balanced group of stooges. They appear to be three Larries.  Maybe a  Curly or two. One may aspire to be Shemp.  But who is their leader? Who calls the shots?  At best – and I do mean best – Santorum is Moe (bossy), Romney is Larry (easily confused) and Gingrich is Curly (a fat goof). At best.

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I just love the word “stooge.”

Stooge.

Ha!

HEADLINE – ESPN apologizes for racist headline

MUNCIE, Indiana –  ESPN has officially apologized for posting on the internet what is widely perceived as a “racist” headline after the New York Knicks lost to the New Orleans Hornets, snapping a winning streak lead by Jeremy Lin, a previously obscure basketball player of Chinese ancestry.

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ESPN revealed that the headline was chosen as being less offensive than the original headline “Gook Loses.“

“We apologize, especially to Mr. Lin,” ESPN’s statement says. “His accomplishments are a source of great pride to the Asian-American community, including the two Asian-American employees at ESPN,” said ESPN Spokesperson, Trip Henderson. “But, in ESPN’s defense, Lin is a chink,” Henderson added. “So I guess accuracy in reporting is now frowned upon.”

In 1979, ESPN sportscaster Allen Smythee stated “man, that nigger sure can play basketball,” while providing live commentary about Earvin “Magic” Johnson, then Rookie of the Year.

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 ESPN has not yet apologized for that incident.

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PUTIN ON THE RITZ

I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help myself.

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click on image to activate GIF

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Married to the Sea

For the second time, Married to the Sea/is my website of the week.

Married to the Sea/takes public domain drawings and cartoons and pairs them with funny captions.  This is the most recent one they’ve posted:

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Click on Image to Enlarge

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Married to the Sea/features a new drawing every day and has a large archive of past posting.  I highly recommend it to you.

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HEADLINE – Birth Control Pills Recalled

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“We are really embarrassed about this,” said Pfizer spokesperson, Buffy Hendrickson. “It was a really knuckle-head move to sell birth control pills that don’t prevent pregnancy,” Hendrickson confessed.

“It is sort of like selling an umbrella that isn’t water proof,”  Hendrickson admitted.

“But let’s look at the bright side.  Even though these pills won’t prevent pregnancy, the upside is that the children of women who used this medication will be born with a full head of hair and set of adult teeth,”  Hendrickson said.

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الأمريكي العظمة 你应该很害怕。Mach dir keine Vorwürfe Europa.

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[In this frankly fictitious interview, Mitt Romney talks about his campaign for the presidency of the United States]

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Let’s start with the recent controversy where you said you weren’t concerned about the very poor because they have a safety net.

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MITT ROMNEY:  No, that isn’t what I said. What I said was that I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.

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POE:  I stand corrected.

ROMNEY:  And I went on to say that if the net needs fixing that I would fix it.

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POE:  How would you fix it?

ROMNEY:  By cutting social services and taxing the poor.

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POE:  That sounds like it would make it even more difficult to be poor.

ROMNEY: Exactly!  Really poor people have two problems. First, they are lazy. And second, it is easy to be poor because they get free things like health care and welfare.  So why would they work? Would you work if you were paid to stay at home?  Of course you wouldn’t.  So we need to make it more difficult to be poor, which means cutting them off from free health care and free food.

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POE:  So if it is a choice between working and starving, poor people will get jobs and work?

ROMNEY:  Yes!  Exactly!

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POE:  But millions of Americans are out of work and looking for work.  If they can’t find jobs, where are the jobs going to come from to employ the poor?

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ROMNEY: Well, my plan is comprehensive.  At the same time I am increasing taxes on the poor I am decreasing taxes on rich people.

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POE:  I don’t see how that helps.

ROMNEY: Rich people are job creators!  The richer they are the more jobs they create!

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POE:  And the middle class?

ROMNEY:  As I said, I am not concerned with the very poor; they have a safety net. And I’m not concerned with the very rich. They are just fine.

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ROMNEY:  I am concerned about the middle class.  We need to protect the American middle class.

POE:  Why?

ROMNEY:  Because they pay all the taxes used to run the country.  The poor don’t do it.  Under my plan they will pay more, but it really won’t add up to much because they don’t have much to begin with.  And the rich have used their wealth to buy political influence to make sure that they really don’t pay any tax either.  So we need the middle class to pay for everything. Like the bailout for the banks. Middle class money was taken to pay the debts of rich people so they could get even richer. Isn’t that great?

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POE: Why do you think you will beat Obama in the general election?

ROMNEY:  Because he is a failed president.  His policies have failed.  Unemployment is high. He hasn’t created any jobs.

POE:  The unemployment rate recently dropped because jobs were created.

ROMNEY:  That may be true, but that success really hurts Obama because it makes people say “hey, why did it take you so long to fix everything?”

POE:  So good news is bad news?

ROMNEY: Exactly.

POE: So black is white?

ROMNEY: It sure is.

POE:  So Obama is black, but he’s really white, and everyone who hates him really loves him?

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ROMNEY:  Yes.  Wait.  No, that’s not what I meant.  The people who hate Obama don’t hate him because he is black. They hate him because of his policies.

POE:  So race will have nothing to do with the choice between you and Obama.

ROMNEY:  Absolutely not.  My campaign will not pander to racists.

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POE:  Let’s take a look at an email circulating that has been traced back to conservative voters who support your candidacy. It includes a photo referred to as the “spook pic” showing all of the American presidents, with Obama depicted as two wide eyes staring out.

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ROMNEY: What’s wrong with that? Those people are awfully hard to see in the dark.

POE:  You don’t think there is anything racist about it?

ROMNEY:  Oh my heavens, no.

POE:  Okay, let’s look at something else. Here is another email traced back to your supporters:

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Click on image to enlarge.

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ROMNEY:  That’s exactly what I was talking about.  The person who sent that email is criticizing Obama’s stimulus package.  This is criticism of Obama’s failed policies.

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POE:  What about the references to fried chicken, prayer rugs, corn bread and Spanish?  You don’t see anything racist in any of that?

ROMNEY:  That’s not the message I got.  Gosh, you sound like you are obsessed with finding racism where there isn’t any. Maybe this is a problem you have, not my supporters.

POE:  There is a joke at least 80 years old that goes like this: “Why don’t niggers take aspirin? Because they have to pick cotton to get them, and because aspirin are white, and they work.”  What do you think about that joke, Governor?

ROMNEY:  It is deplorable and you should be ashamed for repeating it.  If that joke was ever told it certainly isn’t told anymore.

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ROMNEY: The American people are fair and free of racism. They elected a black president.  We are a great people who have moved beyond the legacy of slavery.

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POE:  Really? Here is another email, very recent, circulating on the internet traced back to your supporters:

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Click on image to enlarge.

ROMNEY:  I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.

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Romney said this in January 2012

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POE: What??

ROMNEY:  Did I mention how much I love this country? Can you sing that song? I love that song. Do you know that song?

POE: What song??

ROMNEY: Oh beautiful/ for spacious skies/for amber waves of grain…  Sing it with me, Paul.  You know the words. For purple mountains majesty…

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I received this plea for my help…

I recently received an email from someone in Africa who wants my help.  We’ve all received this kind of email from con artists trying to get us to send them cash in exchange for a share in an eventual fortune.  

Here is the first page of the two page email:

Click on image to enlarge.

As I said, the text is typical – but with one difference that stood out as I read.  In attempting to elicit my sympathy, the author described the horrors of his situation, including:

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Following the brake out of the war, almost all government offices, cooperation’s and prostates were attacked and vandalized.

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I’ve never read this sort of pitch before.  And, truth be told, learning that “almost all prostates were attacked and vandalized” does elicit a visceral reaction.

Those poor men.

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THE MOST DANGEROUS CONTINENT

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It is well known that Australia is the most dangerous continent in the world. Not only is it populated with the deviant descendants of criminals sent there to die, but didn’t

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it is also home to the most dangerous animals on earth – from salt water crocodiles that sneak up on and eat children and livestock

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to the gigantic Redback Spider 

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to the Blue Ringed Octopus – the most venomous creature that ever lived.

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I have just discovered the existence of another hideous antipodean creature.  A vicious predator, it waits high up in trees and drops down on unsuspecting children, women and tourists.  It is called the Drop Bear and, if my research is correct, it is nothing to trifle with:

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I am told by reliable sources that a generous layer of a magical product called Vegemite behind the ears will protect the unsuspecting tourist from Drop Bear attack and predation.

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I know for a fact this is true because I did it and was never, ever bothered by Drop Bears.

I don’t care if the locals laughed.  I slept sound – and safe (if not alone) at night.

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THE SECRET TO MY EXTREMELY SUCCESSFUL AND HAPPY MARRIAGE

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Sex?  Sex is overrated.  Good sex is not the key to a successful and happy marriage.

Don’t get me wrong – sex is great.  Good sex is even better. And it is key.  But, in all honesty, by itself, it isn’t enough. I know plenty of guys great in bed who ended up alone.

The secret to my incredibly successful and happy marriage is the simple fact that, at least once a day, I make my wife laugh.

I don’t even pretend to understand it.  But, for some incredibly fucking mysterious reason, the tides of time and evolution have programmed women to want to be with men who make them laugh.

I think it has something to do with demonstrating that you “care.”  I don’t know what that means. Seriously.  I am, at rock bottom, an average guy. I have no idea what women want or need, especially when it comes to “caring” – which seems so important to women, but is so alien to men.

But, in order to make a woman laugh, you have to really, really, understand her. You have to know exactly those aspects of her personality and psyche that trigger a belly laugh. Preferably an uncontrollable belly laugh.  Yes. That is the best.  When your woman experiences an uncontrollable belly laugh that you engendered it is an amazing event, a magical moment, and it ends with love light shining out of her eyes.

And to be able to do that, a man must truly understand his woman. And, perhaps, that demonstrates the “caring” women seem to crave.

Whatever. Tonight I am waiting for the exactly perfect time, the perfect moment when something I say results in my wife, the love of my life, involuntarily laughing, with – if God is with me – champagne shooting out of her nose.

Verweile doch; du bist so schön. So, so schön.

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HEADLINE – Tornadoes hit Birmingham

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BRISBANE, Australia – A series of tornadoes have hit local author and radio personality John Birmingham, causing minor injury.

“This is perfectly normal for this time of year,” said Nick Perriam, Director of the University of Queensland Meteorological Institute in Sydney. “Every January inclement weather sneaks up on and thumps authors as far south as Melbourne, especially those writers demonstrating a history of meteorological defamation,” Perriam explained.

Birmingham went afoul of the elements when he described bad global weather conditions in Without Warning, a novel based in a world where a mysterious force kills virtually all American citizens.

“Bloody weather,” Birmingham complained from the relative safety of his front porch.

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Depicts terrible weather conditions.

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Headline – Newt Gingrich surges

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I certainly hope he cleans up after himself.

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