I recently received an email from someone in Africa who wants my help. We’ve all received this kind of email from con artists trying to get us to send them cash in exchange for a share in an eventual fortune.
Here is the first page of the two page email:
Click on image to enlarge.
As I said, the text is typical – but with one difference that stood out as I read. In attempting to elicit my sympathy, the author described the horrors of his situation, including:
Following the brake out of the war, almost all government offices, cooperation’s and prostates were attacked and vandalized.
I’ve never read this sort of pitch before. And, truth be told, learning that “almost all prostates were attacked and vandalized” does elicit a visceral reaction.
“You’re so ugly that even our women – who are essentially sex slaves – would refuse to have sex with you, even though refusing to have sex, if you are a woman, is punishable by death,” Ahmadinejad cracked. “That’s how ugly you are.”
“You are so ugly they would rather be buried alive – which is the punishment for any woman refusing to give herself to a man – than have sex with you,” Ahmadinejad added with a chuckle.
Chavez, suffering from advanced early-onset dementia, added to Ahmadinejad’s insults by making animal sounds and then exposing himself, pointing to his genitals and shouting “Roosevelt will never get this!” to a cheering crowd of frightened Venezuelan citizens.
DES MOINES, Iowa – In the latest republican candidate debate, Mitt Romney made a statement that now threatens to derail his presidential campaign.
“People of Iowa,” Romney said, “Black people – you hate them, I hate them.”
“What did he say?” debate moderator Diane Sawyer asked George Stephanopoulos.
“I think he said he hates black people,” Stephanopoulos responded.
Romney campaign officials were quick to correct any misinterpretation of Romney’s statement.
“What Mitt meant to say is that President Obama is responsible for our nation’s economic problems and that Mitt, as a businessman, is best suited to solve those problems,” said Biff Hendric, Romney’s Iowa public relations director.
“That’s not what I heard him say,” said Sawyer.
“Yeah, well, I’ll bet you $10,000 that that’s what he meant,” Hendric challenged.
Other Romney spokespersons emphasized that Romney would be spending substantial time and financial resources to campaign in “the great white state of Iowa” in his quest to “keep America American,” a phrase used by the Ku Klux Klan and the anti-immigrant party known as the “Know-nothings.”
MUNCIE – A study of the affects of alcohol on women concludes that the more the average woman drinks the less she will remember the events leading up to the drinking and those events that occur shortly after becoming drunk.
“Isn’t that the point of plying women with alcohol?” asks Chip Henderson, President of the Alpha Comma Moe fraternity in Chico, California.
The study was financed by the Richard Wood Johnson Foundation and published in the Journal of Things Everyone Knows, which can be found athttp://www.duh.edu.
NEWARK, N.J. – A longtime New Jersey physics professor who dabbled in scuba diving and harbored dreams of working in the theater had another hobby, New Mexico police say: operating a prostitution website that may have catered to as many as 200 prostitutes and 1,200 clients.
David Flory was arrested Sunday at a Starbucks in Albuquerque, N.M., and charged with 40 counts of promoting prostitution.
“I never met the guy,” said Professor Paul Nicholas Boylan, of Davis, California. “I never saw him, never tweeted with him, never friended him on Facebook, never visited his website, never emailed him photographs of my crotch and never collaborated with him on any academic venture of any kind whatsoever,” Boylan insisted.
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. – A doctor involved in an “on-again, off-again” relationship apparently tried to force her way into her boyfriend’s home by sliding down the chimney, police said Tuesday. Her decomposing body was found there three days later.
Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac, 49, first tried to get into the house with a shovel, then climbed a ladder to the roof last Wednesday night, removed the chimney cap and slid feet first down the flue, Bakersfield police Sgt. Mary DeGeare said.
“It was a good plan, and might have worked, but Dr. Kotarac apparently forgot that, when she became a physician, she lost the powers of Santa Claus,” DeGeare said. “The same thing happens to lawyers, accountants and professional writers.”