HEADLINE – Michigan woman censored for saying “vagina.”

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DETROIT – A Michigan lawmaker has been banned from speaking on the House floor after saying the word “vagina” while debating a Republican sponsored bill that would strictly restrict abortion rights in the state.

“I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina,” Rep. Lisa Brown said, addressing the Speaker of the House, “but ‘no’ means ‘no.’”

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Brown was gaveled into silence by House Speaker James Bolger (R-Bumfuck) for “violating the decorum of the House.”  Brown was then barred from speaking during the debate about a school employee retirement bill because she used the “V-word” in an unrelated debate.

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James Bolger

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“Listen, silly, even the concept of a vagina is offensive and is probably an anti-American commie liberal socialist secular humanist plot,” Bolger said.  “Like global warming and a deserving poor person, I don’t think it exists. I married  two women, not at the same time of course – so there is no way I could be gay – and I never found either of my wives’ vaginas, and I tried terribly, terribly hard for years,” Bolger said before explaining how fabulous  Joan Crawford, Judy Garland and musical theater is.

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“I think I saw one over there.”

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“Seriously. Years,” said Bolger’s second wife, Charlene. “I did everything I could think of to help James locate my vagina, but he just can’t get past his fear that girls have ‘cooties.’”

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“If girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, then why do they smell like sardines?” whispered conservative Republican former Senator Larry Craig (married, with children) on the Senate floor during a debate to defund Planned Parenthood a few months prior to being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a men’s bathroom. Senator Craig didn’t realize the microphone was on when he whispered his joke to a fellow conservative Republican Bob Allen.

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“I haven’t worn underwear since 1978 and I have a big red arrow painted on my abdomen pointed down. Nothing seems to help,”Charlene added.

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Bolger’s first wife, Betty, agrees. “Jim doesn’t know anything about vaginas. On our wedding night he burst into tears, locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out until I promised to “put that thing away.”

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For many Republicans the “V word” issue is less about abysmal sexual ignorance, misogyny or covert homosexuality, and more about returning America to a better time before non-whites “ruined everything.”

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“Fair is fair. If I can’t say nigger then you can’t say vagina, okay?” said Republican political strategist, Baptist minister, Holocaust denier and high school drop out Trip Tripperson.

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Trip Tripperson

“You let me call negroes niggers again, and Mexicans wet backs, and Asians gooks, and the mentally handicapped morons, and homos faggots, and women bitches and cunts –  just like God intended – and I’ll let you call beavers vaginas.  I want my country back, okay? Where’s the birth certificate?? Where’s the birth certificate??!!!” Tripperson shouted in presumed support for Republican sponsored legislation requiring women to post nude photos of themselves in fetish poses on “Christian D/s lifestyle” websites before obtaining an abortion.

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Ron Severstone – the sole remaining moderate Republican – suggests a possible compromise. 

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Ron Severstone

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“There are plenty of ways white men can effectively discuss the plan to turn back the clock and utterly dominate the sex lives of women without offending the lunatic fringe that has taken over the GOP,” Severstone said, a Republican politician who will soon be accused of “hating America” for offering to compromise with “satan worshiping baby killers.”

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“For example, we can call it ‘the hoo ha’ or “the bad thing” or “the otter’s pocket” or – my personal favorite – ‘the lady cave,” Sevestone suggested before running for his life.

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Still others simply view this recent kerfuffle as part of an ongoing process. “History has shown that, when male dominated societies wants to control women, they make sure that women’s bodies are considered obscene as part of reducing a woman’s status to that of a servant and  as property, rather than as a person,” said Professor Judith Holmes.

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 “That is what is essentially happening now.  And, to be brutally honest, it’s working,” Professor Holmes said just before renouncing her American citizenship and emigrating to Australia.

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Prof. Judith Holmes

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The anti-abortion law passed in the House 70-39, with all Republicans voting in favor of it. The legislation now goes to the Senate and is expected to pass with only democrats voting against it.

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Headline – Newt Gingrich surges

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I certainly hope he cleans up after himself.

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HEADLINE – Strict security in place for birth of Beyoncé’s baby

MUNCIE, Indiana - Beyonce’s delivery of baby Blue Ivy was not some haphazardly thrown together ordeal — it was an elaborate plan involving a big security force.

The hospital held a meeting leading up to the delivery to discuss a security plan for the birth. The meeting between execs and security was held Friday afternoon and strict security was in place almost immediately, preparing for Beyonce’s late night delivery.

The goal – i.e., keeping Beyonce’s baby from killing and eating anyone or escaping the specially prepared cell by teleporting out into an unsuspecting world – succeeded admirably.

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Source:  http://www.tmz.com/2012/01/08/beyonce-blue-ivy-baby/#.Twp5OpgzLzI

HEADLINE – Ahmadinejad, Chavez taunt US from Caracas

"America is ugly and its mother dresses it funny."

CARACAS - Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, two leaders known for making inflammatory comments to provoke theUnited States, joked yesterday about the United States being so unattractive as to be shunned by women.

“You’re so ugly that even our women – who are essentially sex slaves – would refuse to have sex with you, even though refusing to have sex, if you are a woman, is punishable by death,” Ahmadinejad cracked. “That’s how ugly you are.”

“You are so ugly they would rather be buried alive – which is the punishment for any woman refusing to give herself to a man – than have sex with you,” Ahmadinejad added with a chuckle.

Chavez, suffering from advanced early-onset dementia, added to Ahmadinejad’s insults by making animal sounds and then exposing himself, pointing to his genitals and shouting “Roosevelt will never get this!” to a cheering crowd of frightened Venezuelan citizens.

Source:  http://Ahmadinejad-Chavez-taunt-US-from-Caracas

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A Grim Fairy Tale – THE HANDSOME MONSTER

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?

Once upon a time, there was a handsome monster.  But he wasn’t born handsome.

He wasn’t born at all.   He was made.  A brilliant young scientist with a fetish for reanimating dead tissue made the monster from bits and pieces of dead people.

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An early attempt.

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 The young scientist did it in a laboratory he built in an abandoned castle in the middle of nowhere.

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He chose the abandoned castle for four reasons. First, the price was right.  The place where the castle was built was experiencing a deep economic depression.

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Years before, the local real estate market was red hot.  People bought castles and then resold them at a profit, over and over again.

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But when this bubble burst, it drove property values lower and lower until, by the time the young scientist was looking for a place to do his experiments, he could buy a castle for next to nothing and, if it was a “fixer-upper” he could buy it for even less.

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"It only needs a little work."

The second reason the young scientist bought the castle was because it was isolated and provided him with privacy.   The young scientist wanted to keep his experiments secret because, at that time, the reanimation of dead tissue upset stupid people much like stem cell research upsets stupid people today.

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Is also afraid of frozen food (not mentioned in the Bible).

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 The third reason the young scientist wanted to experiment with dead tissue in secret was because he found the creation of life distinctly enthralling, and people with socially unacceptable desires prefer privacy when there is any chance their socially unacceptable desires might manifest.

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The obvious benefits of privacy.

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 The fourth reason the young scientist chose that particular location to perform his viscerally unsettling experiments was because the economic conditions that depressed the local real estate market also impoverished a nearby village.  The young scientist was from a wealthy family, and, as a member of the 1%, he knew that poor people embodied four virtues that would advance his interests – poor people lack curiosity, they keep to themselves, they overlook the eccentricities of the rich, and they die in large numbers.

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Poor people are buried on their sides to save space.

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 So the young scientist built his laboratory high inside a castle in the middle of nowhere near a poor village with a busy graveyard.  He built a man, stitched together from bits and pieces of dead people he “borrowed” from the village graveyard and, in time, his experiments bore strange fruit.

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“It’s alive! Alive!!!” the young scientist shouted, filled with a love that dare not speak its name.

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But, as quickly as the thrill coursed through his body, it vanished just as quickly when the young scientist realized that the man he made was incredibly ugly.

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It was a gross miscalculation. Even worse, the young scientist overestimated poverty’s effect on the local populace. They found out about his monster, but they did not shrug it off due to lethargy or indifference.

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The villagers didn’t look the other way as they would have overlooked the excesses of other wealthy people acting badly, such as flamboyant homosexuals, or those who abuse their domestic servants, or those who use political influence to manipulate economic policy to their further enrichment at the poor’s expense and enhanced demise.

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Reanimating dead bodies scavenged from the local cemetery was just too much to overlook and, in response, the local populace organized into a large mob, armed with torches and pitchforks, bent on killing the young scientist and destroying his unholy monster.

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They killed the young scientist, but the monster got away. He wandered  alone, afraid, and friendless.

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Then one day, deep in the forest, the monster stumbled upon a little cabin where lived an old, kindly plastic surgeon (the cabin was a  vacation home).  The old man took the monster in and offered to inject some collagen into his lips.

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At first, the monster refused.

“Needles, bad,” the Monster said. 

But, in time, he learned to trust the old man, signed some consent forms, and submitted to the procedure.

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The result was nothing less than spectacular.  Rounder, fuller lips transformed the monster from ugly into handsome.

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And, in the twinkling of an eye, the monster’s fortunes changed. 

He found an agent.

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He made a sex tape that was “accidentally” released to the internet.

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He was recruited for a new reality television show The Real Monsters of the Enchanted Forest.

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His sudden fits of anger and violence were especially popular with the audience.

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He was a frequent guest on late night chat shows, with interchanges similar to the following:

LENO

I’m told you don’t like fire.

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MONSTER

Fire, bad!

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LENO

I’m also told that you are being considered to play Joey in a remake of the poplar television show Friends.

MONSTER

Friends, good…

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But some things are just not meant to be.  One day when the monster was on tour promoting his new celebrity fragrance Menacing, he was killed by a mob of blind peasants

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(who lost their sight due to malnutrition and lack of basic health care) – which is a powerful sermon on the fragility of modern celebrity.

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From the Christmas Season’s heart, I Smile at Thee!!!

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HEADLINE – Lady Gaga Terrifies Baby

Lady Gaga holds up crying baby after yelling "boo!" and shaking the infant.

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MUNCIE – For the third time in two days, pop star Lady Gaga has frightened a small child.

“So I like to scare kids. So what?” Gaga said on Wednesday.  ”Everyone has their peccadillos.  Mine happens to be frightening children,” the singer added.

“I hate the little bastards,” Gaga concluded.

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Source:  http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20546230,00.html

CAN’T. STOP. LAUGHING.

HEADLINE – Man says blood bank rejected him as donor for “appearing” gay

MUNCIE (AP) – A man who volunteered to donate blood was turned away because he “appeared gay.”

“I can’t believe this is happening,” said Marcus Bachmann, who was rejected as a blood donor because Red Cross workers thought he is a homosexual. “Homosexuality is an abomination,” Bachmann said. “I have a fabulous wife and have four fabulous children.  How can I be gay?”

“Look,” said Debbie Hempstead, the Red Cross worker who asked Bachmann not to donate blood. “The guy is totally gay. Just spend a minute talking with him and it will be obvious to you. I don’t know who he is trying to fool.”

Bachmann is a fundamentalist Christian and operates a clinic that treats homosexuality like a disease and offers faith-based cures.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/17/aaron-pace-gay-blood_n_901057.html

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HEADLINE – Phone-hacking whistleblower found dead

LONDON (AP) — Police say Sean Hoare, the whistleblower reporter who broke the story about widespread hacking at the News of the World, has been found dead in his London home.

London Police said Hoare’s death at his home is not considered to be suspicious, according to Britain’s Press Association news agency.

“There is nothing at all suspicious about Mr. Horse’s untimely and utterly unexpected death,” said Nigel Dimitri, spokesperson for the London Police. “It is just another of those unfortunate coincidences when a witness to crimes committed by rich and powerful men – crimes that implicate the London Police, by the way – are found dead in their London homes.  This is just another one of those coincidences,” Dimitri said. 

“Horse’s untimely and presumably slow and painful death due to mysterious causes should not be interpreted in any way as a warning to any other witnesses who might be considering informing on Rupert Murdoch, The News of the World, or the London Police,” Dimitri concluded before driving off in an unmarked black sedan.

 

Britain’s tabloid phone hacking scandal walloped the London police force Monday, as the rapid-fire resignations of two top officers were followed by claims of possible illegal eavesdropping, bribery and collusion. U.K officials immediately vowed to investigate.

 

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/police-phone-hacking-whistleblower-found-dead-181711003.html

HEADLINE – Binge drinking impairs memory in women

They won't remember a thing.

MUNCIE – A study of the affects of alcohol on women concludes that the more the average woman drinks the less she will remember the events leading up to the drinking and those events that occur shortly after becoming drunk.

“Isn’t that the point of plying women with alcohol?” asks Chip Henderson, President of the Alpha Comma Moe fraternity in Chico, California.

The study was financed by the Richard Wood Johnson Foundation and published in the Journal of Things Everyone Knows, which can be found at http://www.duh.edu.

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SOURSE:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-14154404

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HEADLINE – Bin Laden sought name change, rebranding for Al Qaeda

The new, smiling, friendly face of international terror.

WASHINGTON—As Osama bin Laden watched his terrorist organization get picked apart, he lamented in his final writings that Al Qaeda was suffering from a marketing problem. He proposed Al Qaeda get a fresh start with a new name.

A friendlier image.

“The Crusader war against us has caused our name to lose its positive, favorable impression with the public,” Bin Laden wrote sometime in 2010. “We need a new, friendlier image,” Bin Laden concluded.

Bin Laden went on to make suggestions for a new name, including “Pal Qaeda,” “Jihad Is Us” and “Wahabi Wally’s Freedom Emporium.”  Al Qaeda in Iraq (AQR) lobbied hard to change their name to “Starbucks” or “Target” but Bin Laden warned his followers against choosing a name “that will only serve to draw us into protracted and expensive litigation, not to mention one that will cause great consumer confusion.”

Some of Starbuck's lawyers.

Al Queda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) suggested “The Ass Bomb Group” but Bin Laden chided AQAP and warned them not to choose a name that limited Al Qaeda’s operational parameters.

“I know how much you guys like to hide bombs in the rectums of idiot converts,” Bin Laden wrote, 

Idiot recruit (they actually convinced him to let them shove a bomb up his poop chute).

“…but a joke – even one that is rich with dramatic irony – should not create the framework within which we operate. If we called ourselves the Ass Bomb Group, that name choice would create a momentum to only use ass bombs to sow fear among the opponents of God.  As funny as that would be, humor should not limit our operational options.”

Bin Laden wrote one final letter instructing his followers to hire “some New York public relations firm” to help Al Qaeda come up with a catchy new name, a PR firm “preferably with a lot of Jews. Jews are so good at that kind of thing.  The Irish, not so much,” Bin Laden stated.

 

a public relations disaster.

The letter, which was undated, was discovered among bin Laden’s recent writings. Navy SEALs stormed his compound and killed him before any name change could be made. 

Federal Express

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Source: bin-laden-sought-name-change-rebranding-for-al-qaeda

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HEADLINE – Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces

TOKYO - Mitsuyuki Ikeda, a researcher from the Okayama Laboratory, has developed steaks based on proteins from human excrement. 

“The process is very complex and expensive,” Ikeda explained. “The result is definitely edible. The problem is that it tastes like shit.”

“That tsunami really messed those people up,” said Evan Boylan, a student at Illinois State University, upon learned of the Japanese excrement-to-meat scientific breakthrough.

“That’s worse than f**king Soylent Green,” Boylan added.

SOURCE: http://japanesescientistscreatesmeatoutoffeces-

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HEADLINE – Radio host says Rapture actually coming in October

OAKLAND, Calif. – California preacher Harold Camping said Monday his prophecy that the world would end was off by five months because Judgment Day actually will come on Oct. 21.

 

“When I was making my mathematical calculation, I inadvertently forgot to carry the 2,” Camping admitted. “Next time I will double check my math,” he promised.

 

“But there won’t be a next time because this time I am absolutely certain that the world is going to end on October 21,” Camping insisted.

 

When the Rapture didn’t arrive Saturday, crestfallen followers began turning their attention to more earthly concerns.

 

John Biberson had figured the gas money he spent driving back and forth from Long Island to New York City would be worth it, as long as people could see the ominous five foot neon sign atop his car warning that the End of the World was nigh.

 

“I’ve been mocked and scoffed and cursed at and I’ve been through a lot with this lighted sign on top of my car,” said Biberson, 49, a former television producer. “I was doing what I’ve been instructed to do through the Bible, but now I’ve been stymied. It’s like getting slapped in the face. Thanks a lot, God. Thanks for making me waste $20,000 on that sign,” he said.

 

“No one warned me that God could be such a jerk,” he said.  “A loving, all seeing, all knowing God would have ended the world so that I could avoid looking foolish,” a very bitter Biberson concluded.

Source:  http://news.yahoo.com/ 5

A Grim Fairy Tale – THE NOVICE

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?

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THE NOVICE

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Once upon a time in a city carved out of the Central American jungles,  a novice priest of the Feathered Serpent sat on a stone bench in the High Priest’s ante chamber, waiting for the High Priest to finish with a sacrifice.

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The novice rehearsed in his mind what he was going to say to the High Priest. Suddenly, the door opened, and the usher – resplendent in his brightly feathered robes – came out and beckoned the novice into the audience chamber. The High Priest was standing at the window, looking down at the bustling metropolis.

“Praise the Feathered Serpent,” the novice intoned.

The High Priest looked away from the window and barely acknowledged the salutation.

“Please sit down,” the High Priest said. He gestured to a stone bench by the wall. Both novice and High Priest sat down together.

“How long have you been a novice here at the temple?” the High Priest asked.

“Two years, Excellency.”

“Two years. I talked to the faculty about you. They tell me that you are a good student. Hard working and spiritually gifted.”

“Thank you, Excellency.”

“So what went wrong out there today?”

The novice expected the question, but not the bluntness of its delivery. He swallowed hard before answering.

“I have no excuse, Excellency.”

“I’m not looking for excuses. I want an explanation. You’ve been here two years. You’ve probably assisted in hundreds of sacrifices. Today was your first unassisted solo. So what went wrong?”

“I really don’t know, sir. Everything was going fine. I recited the prayer, made the first incision and reached into the prisoner’s chest cavity. I felt the Feathered Serpent watching over and guiding me, I swear. I’m sure the crowd felt it too. I found myself holding the beating heart up high, showing it to the crowd. It was glorious.”

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“And then…” The High Priest prompted.

“And then the heart just slipped out of my hand and went flying. I think it hit someone in the head.”

The novice sat silent in his shame and disgrace. But then, to his utter amazement and relief, the High Priest laughed.

“You know,” the High Priest said. “many in the crowd hope that the priest performing the sacrifice will slip up.”

“You really think so?”

“It’s human nature. Heck, its cheap entertainment. The peasants even wager on it.”

“They do?”

“Yes. We tried to stop it once, but we gave up. I’m sure the betting was rather heavy on your first solo.”

“And I am thoroughly ashamed -”

“Don’t be. It happens to the best of us. I know.”

“To you?” the novice asked.

“No, but it happened to my great and noble predecessor.”

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“Really?”

“Sure. I was there. The old coot hadn’t performed a sacrifice for over ten years, you know, being busy with administrative duties. But it was the Feast of the Flatulent Twins and he decided to do it himself. I’ll never forget it. There he was – on the sacrificial platform at the top of the pyramid – he made the cut, reached into the chest cavity, pulled out the heart, and lifted it up – still beating – to show it to the crowd below on the steps. And then, pop! It shot out his hand and up into the air. You never saw an old man move so fast. He tried to catch it with his other hand, but that heart shot into the air again. This went on for about five grabs when he finally missed and the heart plopped onto the steps in front of him. Talk about embarrassing.”

“It’s hard to believe.”

“Believe it. But the next day it was forgotten, and my old master served as high priest for another ten years, and even performed – successfully – a sacrifice or two. And that’s my point. Don’t let this little mistake shake your confidence. When you fall off of a llama what do you do? You get right back up on that llama and ride it!”

“Yes sir!”

“You have potential, young man. You might even have my job one day.”

“Oh, no, I’m not -”

“Sure you are. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. Anyway. There’s an opening for tonight’s sacrifice. Interested?”

“Yes, of course!”

“That’s the spirit.”

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But it happened again. The Novice slipped at the evening sacrifice and the heart went flying.And the novice was banished from the priesthood forever.

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HEADLINE – Qaddafi Taunts NATO

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TRIPOLI – Libyan state television carried brief audio tape remarks it said were by Muammar Qaddafi in which he taunted NATO.

 “What kind of a name is NATO? It sounds totally gay.  NATO is the gayest treaty organization in the world,” said the man on the audio tape, whose voice sounded like Qaddafi’s.

 “NATO?  How about GAY-TO?” he said, adding “Hey, NATO!  I has sex with your mother last night. And your sister. They were terrible. But you would know that, wouldn’t you?”

 Government spokesman Mussa Ibrahim said Qaddafi was unharmed and in Tripoli, leading the country and in good spirits.

Source:   http://www.thefrontierpost.com  

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HEADLINE – Osama Bin Laden Home Videos Expected To Be Released

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MUNCIE – Files recovered from Osama bil Laden’s personal computer reveal that the world’s most wanted man spent most of his days making intimate videos.

“Apparently, bin Laden considered himself the equivalent of a rock or movie star,” said Assistant US Secretary of State Vince Portho. “The homemade videos that will be released can only be described as bin Laden’s sex tapes.”

Celebrities often memorialize their erotic exploits through “sex tapes” that eventually are leaked to the media. Rob Lowe, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Colin Farrell, Pamela Anderson and figure skating sensation Tonya Harding are examples of celebrities that made private sex tapes.

Portho was quick to temper public expectations about bin Laden’s sex tapes. “Please understand that bin Laden was a very conservative muslim. Consequently, the tapes won’t be all that exciting by Western standards,” Portho cautioned.

“The videos mainly depict bin Laden sitting in the same room with fully clothed women, covered from head to toe in full niqab burkas. Neither bin Laden nor the women do anything other than just sit there, with the exception of bin Laden occasionally looking over at the women on the other side of the room, then looking back into the camera and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively,” Portho said.

Included in bin Laden’s video stash investigators also found thousands of photos bin Laden took himself.

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Source:  http://bin-laden-home-videos_2

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HEADLINE – Marilyn Davenport, Republican official in California, didn’t think Obama as chimp e-mail was racist

"The Chinese are cheaper than the Jews," observed Marilyn Davenport at a news conference .

SANTA ANA –  A prominent Tea Party organizer has come under fire for sending an email containing a photograph depicting President Barack Obama as a chimpanzee.

“There is nothing racist about comparing African Americans with monkeys,” said Marilyn Davenport, an elected member of the Orange County Republican central committee.

Davenport sent the e-mail on Friday. The “family photo” attached to Davenport’s email features the commander-in-chief as a baby chimpanzee with two chimp parents.

“My position would be I am concerned, knowing what the responsibility is of a president,” Davenport said. “I guess we should know his origin, shouldn’t we?”

In 2009 Davenport rose to national notoriety when she defended the former Republican mayor of Los Alamitos, Dean Grose when Grose emailed a photo showing a watermelon patch in front of the White House.

“There is nothing racist about predicting that President Obama will grow watermelons on the White house lawn,” said Davenport, adding that it is a “well-known fact that the blacks enjoy watermelon after eating fried chicken.”

“They also enjoy malt liquor,” Davenport added.

Davenport defended former Newport Beach City Councilman Dick Nichols when Nichols objected to beach improvements because Mexicans would utilize the improvements.

Dick Nichols

“There is nothing racist about complaining that there are too many Mexicans using our local beaches, ruining it for the rest of us,” Davenport said, adding that it is a “well-known fact that your basic Mexican isn’t as clean as normal people.”  Davenport went on to state that “those people” should speak English.

Davenport also defended a Republican women’s club in San Bernardino County that sent out a  newsletter with a fake “food stamp” showing Barack Obama surrounded by fried chicken, watermelon and ribs.

“There is nothing racist about associating the president – who is half-black – with fried chicken, watermelon and ribs,” Davenport said, adding that it is a “well-known fact that many people on welfare, almost all of them black, use food stamps to purchase fried chicken, watermelon, ribs and Kool Aid. Those people just love Kool Aid,” Davenport opined.

Nothing racist about this whatsoever.

Davenport’s supporters argue that the entire controversy is a big misunderstanding.

“All Marilyn was doing was sharing a racist joke with a few of her closest racist friends, which is nothing more than an exercise of her rights of free speech as an American citizen.  If Marilyn is guilty of anything, she is guilty of not taking the time and care to identify her truly racist friends, and separate them from those she knows who are just pretending to be racist,” said an anonymous source close to Davenport.

Her supporter was wearing this t-shirt.

“I think it’s only racist when the intent in my heart is to make it that way, and that was not the intent in my heart,” Davenport said outside her suburban ranch-style home.

In her heart she knows she isn't racist.

“I’m gaining weight, my period has stopped, I have morning sickness but I’m not pregnant,” said Davenport’s 18 year old niece, Buffy. “A person can only be pregnant if they personally think they are pregnant, and if they don’t think they are, then they aren’t.”

Buffy Davenport

“In my heart I know I’m not pregnant,” said Buffy as she tried to cross a busy highway on foot because, in her heart, she “intended” the freeway to be a garden path.

An unknown person who received the email from Davenport was offended and reported the incident to the local media.  Davenport and her supporters are attempting to ascertain the identity of this “race traitor.”

Davenport should never have “friended” Heidi on Facebook.

Sources:  

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2011/04/17/2011-04-H 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_obama_offensive_email;_ -

HEADLINE – Serial killer sentenced to death dies in prison

Warden Henderson learning the news.

COLUMBUS, Ohio — An elderly Kentucky con man who pleaded guilty to five slayings in Wisconsin and Ohio — and was on death row for his most recent crime — has died in prison of natural causes, an Ohio prisons spokesman said Friday.

Edward Edwards, 77, died Thursday night at the Corrections Medical Center in Columbus, where he was being held, spokesman Carlo LoParo told The Associated Press. An autopsy determined that he suffered a heart attack during the night and died peacefully in his sleep.

“Edward’s untimely death is nothing less than a tragedy,” said LoParo. “The Warden is totally bummed.  He had an outfit picked out for the execution. And the deposit on the post-execution luncheon is nonrefundable, so that’s gone, too.”

“This may ruin my chances for a modeling career,” said Cindy Henderson, Queen of the Execution Day parade. “The Execution Day parade organizers said I have to return the tiara.”

“We just gotta figure out a way to fry these guys faster,” said Skip Obrien, Director of Justice for All, a pro death penalty advocacy group. “This guy died in his sleep before we could throw the switch. It is really embarrassing.”

Source: http://www.ajc.com/news/nation-world/serial-killer-sentenced-to-904064.html

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber

Once again, yet again, I owe this entry to my lovely and mysterious wife, Lori, who showed me this website last night. I pass it on to you.

http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/

The rest is more or less self-explanatory.

HEADLINE – TESTICLE FESTIVAL HUGE SUCCESTICLE

Photographer: Karen Combs 2010

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OLEAN, MO. – The Olean Festival Commission has declared this year’s Testicle Festival to be most successful testicle festival in the 17 years that Olean has hosted a testicle festival. “Attendance this year broke all prior attendance records,” said Gunther Haas, the primary organizer of this year’s Testicle Festival. “People traveled from as far away as Henley to participate in the testicle themed festivities.”

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Good, clean testicle related fun.

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In addition to the many testicle related food items being offered, this year’s Testicle Festival featured a Testicle Festival Parade, a Testicle Festival Pancake Breakfast, with testicle shaped pancakes and free testicle shaped balloons for the kids, and a testicle eating contest.

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A number of testicle-themed rides and educational exhibits also contributed to this year’s Testicle Festival’s unprecedented success.

“We got a roller-coaster called the Testicle Express that is sure to give a thrill,” said Travis Jode, Honorary Mayor of Olean’s 17^th Annual Testicle Festival. “And for the kids we have a giant testicle you can walk through and learn all about testicles.”

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But the one thing that sets this year’s Testicle Festival apart from all other testicle festivals was the variety of testicles offered for consumption.

“Bull testicles are great,” said Sue Ellen Plavin, this year’s Testicle Queen.

“But you can get bull testicles at any testicle festival.  That’s where we’re different.  At the Olean Testicle Festival you can enjoy all sorts of testicles ranging from goat and sheep and pig and turkey to more exotic testes like squirrel, possum and frog, which I can tell you are simply delicious.  And I hear tell that somewhere around here you can score some kangaroo balls,” Plavin said and smiled. “I bet you can’t get kangaroo ‘nads at the Russelville Testicle Festival. No siree bob.”

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Good, clean testicle related fun.

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HEADLINE – US combat rifles embedded with Bible verses

REYKJAVIK – Combat rifle sights used by U.S. forces in Iraq and Afghanistan carry references to Bible verses, stoking concerns about whether the inscriptions break a government rule that bars proselytizing by American troops.

Military officials said the citations don’t violate the ban. One such inscription includes a reference to John 8:12: “When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.’”

“These inscriptions communicating Jesus’ message of peace and understanding do not violate the ban against proselytizing,” said Air Force spokesperson, Major John Blankenship.

 

Maj. John Blankenship

 

“There is no indication that any of our bullets have converted any of their targets to Christianity,” said Blankenship.

There is evidence, however, that bullets fired by guns with Bible verse inscriptions are convincing the Taliban and al Qaeda to change their ways.

Thinking it over.

“Right before Achmed was killed by an American sniper, he looked at me and said ‘I am suddenly compelled by logic, reason and spiritual insight to conclude that our leaders are completely wrong in their argument that the Americans are fighting a religious war against Islam and that their invasion is little different from the European invasions during the Crusades,’” said Aziz, a Taliban commander.

Aziz

“Achmed paused in deep though, and then continued, saying ‘perhaps this also means that we should reject Islam and consider accepting Jesus as our personal savior.’ Then Achmed’s head exploded.”

Achmed

“Nevertheless, Achmed’s points were well-made, thought provoking, and his logic impeccable,” Aziz concluded.

Mikey Weinstein, president of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation, said he has received complaints about the Scripture citations from active-duty and retired members of the military. Weinstein said he couldn’t identify them because they fear retaliation.

“We see nothing ironic whatsoever or in any way hypocritical, alarming or distasteful in inscribing weapons with Jesus quotes,” said General Jack T. Ripper from an undisclosed location.

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Sources: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8468981.stm

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REMEMBERING THE 2000 COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE, PART 2

In Part One of this series, we encountered “Hello, Meteor!” – a commercial the Discovery Channel  (TDS) made during the 2000 commercial actors strike.  ”Hello, Meteor!” garnered critical and commercial acclaim.  This success encouraged TDS on to assign more of their non-actor office to star in other commercials, including the now classic “Hello, Mosquito!” shown below.

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HEADLINE – SCIENTISTS PROVE GOD EXISTS

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By Rhapee Kanasta (Ass.Press)

CHICAGO - People with Alzheimer’s disease are less apt to get cancer and people with cancer are less apt to get Alzheimer’s disease, new research confirms.

“Discovering the links between these two conditions is absolute proof that God exists and that He has a sick sense of humor,” Dr. Catherine M. Roe of Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis, noted in a written statement from the American Academy of Neurology. “I mean, come on, the irony of Alzheimers protecting against cancer, and cancer protecting against Alzheimers is so mind-bogglingly awful that it cannot be a coincidence, and that means it is proof of Divine intervention in human affairs,” Roe concluded before jumping in front of a subway train.

“Since the dawn of civilization, philosophers have suspected that the sum of creation is one big joke,” said Father Timothy Murphy, Director of Religious studies at Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland. “Discovering that cancer prevents Alzheimer’s and that suffering from Alzheimer’s means you won’t die of cancer sort of confirms that suspicion,” Murphy said just after robbing a bank and kidnapping three women at gunpoint.

In future studies, “we would like to examine if God intentionally designed men and women to reach their sexual peak at different stages of life, thereby all but guaranteeing relational problems,” said Dr. Krista Schnursten, Senior Fellow at the National Academy of Ironic Studies.  ”In time we hope to confirm that God is, indeed, a sadistic bastard. It sure would explain a lot,” Schnurstein said.

Source:  http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory?id=9411725

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REMEMBERING THE 2000 SAG COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE

If you are anything like me, then every so often – when the winter wind blows clean and fresh from the north – you are overcome by nolstagia for the halcyon days of the 2000 Screen Actors Guild Commercial Actors Strike.

Ah, those halcyon days! – when men selling things on television had to do without actors because actors who acted in television commercials wanted more money for their labor, but the major studios wouldn’t give them more money.  And so they went on strike.

Commercials got made and were broadcast without professional acting, and sometimes the results were simply wonderful.

The Discovery Channel used accounting and technical employees to act in a series of commercials that have since become legend, the first of which I feature below.

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AHHH!!!   THE ATMOSPHERE!!!!  AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

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HEADLINE – GOV’T IMPOSES 3-HOUR LIMIT ON TARMAC STRANDINGS

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By Rhappi Kanasta (Ass.Press) – 2 hours ago

WASHINGTON — The Obama administration has ruled that airlines can hold passengers on grounded jets or planes for no more than three hours. After that, the passengers must be set free.

“The three-hour limit and other new regulations are meant to send an unequivocal message to airlines not to hold passengers hostage on stuck planes,” said Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood.  “If airline passengers are imprisoned any longer than three hours on a motionless, cramped, hot, smelly jet or plane, the responsible airline will be fined.”

The announcement was hailed by consumer advocates as “a Christmas miracle.” However, airline industry insiders predict that restricting the practice of forceably holding passengers on planes until the flight clears will result in more canceled flights and more inconvenience for passengers.

In related news, the Obama Administration also announced that rape victims can be sexually assaulted for only three hours, and no more.

“The three-hour limit on rape and sexual assault is meant to send an unequivocal message to rapists not to sexually assault anyone,” said Health and Human Services Commissioner Nick Toumpas.  “If victims are raped for longer than three hours, then the rapist(s) responsible will be fined.”

The announcement was hailed by rape victim advocates as “a Christmas miracle.” However, experienced rapists predict that restricting how long rape can last will result in more rapes and more inconvenience for rape victims.

WHAT AMERICANS SOUND LIKE

As I’ve often mentioned (purely as a matter of pretense), I often lecture to non American audiences. With minor exception I lecture in English.

The noted internet social analysis and general media maven, Joseph Bleckman, sent me this link that shows what non English speakers hear when they hear Americans speaking.  It isn’t a very loving or kind parody, but it is pretty funny.

RESTAURANT REVIEW

Last Saturday my wife and I ate at Ming Tu’s – a restaurant located at 1158 “L” Street in Downtown Sacramento.  Ming Tu’s serves Asian” inspired” food in a casual setting.

Not affiliated with Ming Tu in any way whatsoever.

Many people have eaten at Ming Tu’s.  Some of them have written reviews that can be found at http://www.yelp.com/biz/ming-tus-asian-diner-sacramento.  For example, Karina of Elk Grove writes:

“I’ve been here twice – with coworkers and with friends.  The food is definitely an Americanized version of Chinese food, but far better than Panda Express. Love their Mongolian beef over brown rice.”

Moo N of Sacramento writes:

“I work a couple of blocks from here so I have had opportunity to eat here often.  Each time I have eaten here, I have been quite happy.  The teriyaki chicken with rice is my fave and I love the fried rice too!  I love rice so if you do too you should definitely partake ”

My dining experience was a little different from Katrina’s and Moo’s. My meal was not as good as theirs. So this is going to be a negative restaurant review.

Over the years I’ve written plenty of restaurant reviews, may of them negative, and when I write a negative review I spend a lot of time describing what I ate and how it was served. Then I complain a lot.

I feel this is a special case. The usual descriptions of the food and service and the usual complaining just wouldn’t be enough to properly express how I feel about this dining experience. So I’m not going to describe the food or the service. I’m not going to make fun of the owner’s funny accent. I am not going to mock the handicapped busboy.  Instead, I will simply describe what I did after I left Ming Tu’s.

After I paid the bill and my wife and I left the restaurant, I immediately walked to a nearby church and prayed that God would reach down with His mighty hand and, with a fist of divine fury, smite Ming Tu’s, crushing it down to the bedrock, destroying it utterly.

I know what you are thinking. You think I over reacted.  You are thinking: “Aw, come on, Paul. The meal couldn’t have been so bad that you would call upon the Creator of the Universe to smite those responsible. “

If you are thinking this, you are wrong.  You weren’t there. You didn’t pay good money for really bad Chinese food. It was so bad that I felt, and still feel, within my rights as a God fearing Christian to call upon the power of Almighty God to send down destruction upon Ming Tu’s and punish all those responsible for my mediocre dining experience.

Now you are thinking: “Okay, Paul, let’s assume for the sake of argument that the meal you were served wasn’t very good.  Is that sufficient reason for calling for divine retribution? Isn’t being served a bad meal at a restaurant a trivial reason for calling upon the divine power of God Almighty to smite those who displeased you?”

Not at all.  And if you think that, then you probably are not a Christian.

Or you might be a Socialist.

A Socialist Atheist, that’s what you are, if you think there is anything wrong with me asking God to smite anyone I don’t like or destroy any business that has provided less than acceptable service.

Every day, ordinary people from all walks of life call upon the power of the Lord to avenge them – often for seemingly trivial reasons. My own Aunt reads the Bible every day and goes to church every Sunday – and every single day she prays to Baby Jesus that her neighbor die of a heart attack.

Her neighbor is a liberal who plays that jazz music much too loud. And he voted for Obama. Who is a secret Muslim.

But I digress.  My point is that it is perfectly okay to call upon the power of God to right any wrong, no matter how trivial the wrong may appear. The Bible shows us that God responds in dramatic ways to correct what seem to be trivial wrongs.

For example, in 2 Kings 23-25, the prophet Elisha, who had a bald head, cast a “curse unto God” at a bunch of young boys who were making fun of Elisha’s bald head.  Now, you non-Christian, socialist liberal secret Muslims will say that what those kids did was no big deal.  Well, God didn’t think so.  In response to Elisha’s curse, God sent two female bears to kill forty-two of those boys.

So Elisha called upon the divine power of the Creator of the Universe to punish a bunch of boys who made fun of him. I am calling upon that same power to smite a restaurant that served me a lousy meal.  I honestly don’t see the difference. I fully expect to see a big hole in the ground where Ming Tu’s used to be when I next drive or walk by that place.

I’ll let you know if it happens.

ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE THE INTERNET

We are all aware of what is wrong with the Internet, and much has been written and blogged about the evils of the World Wide Web.  Those critical of the Internet point to many examples of how the advent of the Internet has transformed human society for the worse by allowing forums for people with nothing of value to say and creating the illusion of connection while, at the same time, slowly reducing if not eliminating actual human contact.

All of this, and more, is true. But there are aspects of the Internet that you just cannot help but love and admire.  For example, the following photograph is racing around the world from compute to computer – a phenomenon impossible prior to the World Wide Web.  But now, in this Brave New World, people in every nation, of every culture, of every religion can share the instant pleasure and sudden humor that comes from being part of the world’s first system of instant, universal communication:

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HEADLINE – Iran slams Swiss, warns of rising Islamophobia

MUNCIE, Indiana – Iran criticized a Swiss ban on the construction of minarets on mosques, and warned of rising Islamophobia in Europe, Iranian English-language news agency Press TV reported Saturday.

“This ban is a manifestation of an irrational and baseless fear of fundamentalist Islam,” said Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki, who then placed a “fatwa” on those responsible for the ban.

“I call upon all True Believers who fear and worship Allah to find and kill the Swiss politicians who voted in favor of this unjust law that serves no purpose other than to spread Islamophobia,” Mottaki said. “Find these infidels,” Mottaki instructed, “cut off their heads, kill their families and post videos of our revenge on Youtube for other Infidels to download and see during their spare time,” Mottaki concluded.

A “fatwa” is a death sentence that Muslim clergy can impose on anyone who displeases them. Those who carry out the fatwa receive prizes and extra virgins in the afterlife.

“Death to all those who spread Islamophobia!” shouted Abu Salla, a student in Pakistan, who hopes to win a toaster oven after killing Swiss politicians.

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“Soon everyone will be too afraid to be afraid of us!” Salla concluded.