A Grim Fairy Tale – THE GHOST DANCE

.

Hello, children. Would you like to hear a story?

.

THE GHOST DANCE

.

.

It began as a television show: a dance contest with a Native American theme, financed with Native American money accumulated slowly over the years from slot machine and roulette revenues.

.

Auditions were held in New York, Boston, Chicago, Denver, Seattle, Houston, Kansas City, San Francisco and lost Angeles. Contestants from all walks of life were asked to perform a complex set of steps called “the Ghost Dance”.

.

.

The competition was fierce.  The dance itself was hypnotic. The show was a hit – outperforming every program in its time slot and eventually becoming the most popular television show in America.

.

.

In its 3rd season, the show began promoting what it called “Ghost Dance Day” during which the show’s growing television audience was invited to join in the fun. The goal was to get as many people as possible performing the Ghost Dance simultaneously.

Each year thereafter as the show’s popularity grew, so did Ghost Dance Day, with people all over America – from New York to San Diego – performing the steps of the Ghost Dance simultaneously. The producers of the show had tapped into the power of dance to build a sense of community.

.

.

And the movement spread. People all over the world began to celebrate the Ghost Dance Day.  Even the world’s poorest people petitioned their government’s to furnish them with television or Internet access that would allow them to both view the competition and participate in Ghost Dance Day.

.

.

Pundits both great and small endlessly analyzed the Ghost Dance phenomenon.

.

.

Scholarly papers were written about the psycho/social elements of the dance’s  unbelievable popularity. But, despite all this intellectual attention, virtually no one looked very closely at the historical roots of the Ghost Dance – other than a few anthropologists and historians, whose warnings were ignored and classified as an element of the egg-head racist lunatic fringe.

.

.

In its 8th year, the show’s producers boasted that Ghost Dance Day would see over 4 billion people dancing together.

.

.

Nobody knows if that boast was realized. Nobody knows the exact number of people needed to fulfill Sitting Bull’s dream. All we know is that, all over the world, the skies grew dark, the earth trembled, and the dead returned.  The Ancestors returned and destroy the works of European civilization in Africa, Melanesia and the Americas, fulfilling cargo cult prophecies and millenaristic dreams.

.

.

.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  dance shows are bad.

.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_Dance

.

New Feature – FORGOTTEN MEDIA …………… First up – THE CORE

.

.

Let’s face it: most of what is created to tempt us into wasting time and spending money, with the hope of being entertained, is crap.

.

.

.

.

It wastes our money. It insults our intelligence. Books, movies and television are engendered more often than not with the foundational assumption that the consuming public is composed of people with very low Intelligence Quotients and very, very low standards.

.

When media executives think of us, this is what they see.

.

And so much of it is fraudulent.  How many times have you seen a movie preview, grown excited by the prospect of a new movie, only to discover that the preview previewed a movie that doesn’t exist, like emphasizing characters and plot points that are incidental in the actual movie?  It happens all the time.

.

.

I often encounter media, the excellence of which surprises me.  I’ll watch a television show, read a book, listen to a radio play, watch a movie and ask myself “why didn’t I hear about this sooner?”

When I look into it, I often find out that virtually no one has seen or heard of what  just surprised me.

I call it Forgotten Media – popular entertainment that wasn’t popular enough to make it into the popular conscience.  And there is a lot of it.  I was thinking that my legion of blog visitors might be interested in knowing more.

Today, quite by accident,  I saw a movie entitled The Core.

.

The Core is a science fiction adventure film, and one of the best I’ve ever seen.  The plot is based on the simple question “what would happen if the earth’s core stopped rotating?”

If that question doesn’t create both interest and terror, then you probably don’t know how important the question is.  Simply put, all life on earth is possible only because our planet has a molten iron core that spins in the opposite to the earth’s rotation.  So if the earth rotates from right to left (east to west) the earth’s molten iron core spins left to right (west to east).  

Not all planets do this.  Mars doesn’t do it, which is why it will never be possible for humans to live on Mars.

.

Never gonna happen.

.

Here is how it works:  the earth’s molten core, spinning in the opposite direction to the earth’s rotation, generates a huge magnetic field that surrounds the earth like a force field.

.

.

This force field prevents solar radiation from hitting the earth and killing every single living thing on the planet.

.

.

So, if the earth’s liquid iron core stops rotating, it would cause the earth’s magnetic field to collapse, allowing solar radiation to hit the earth. And if that happens, everything from the smallest microbe to the largest blue whale dies.

.

.

Very early in The Core, the main characters learn the earth’s core is slowing down, and the rest of the movie is a race against time to save the planet.

The cast – put together by the best casting director in the business, Tricia Wood – includes Aaron Eckhart, Hillary Swank, Delroy Lindo, Stanley Tucci and Alfre Woodard, with a stand out performance by D.J. Quails as a computer hacker whom the US government  asks to “hack the planet” to keep the whole thing secret to avoid worldwide panic. 

The Core is directed by Jon Amiel, who also directed another of my favorite forgotten movies, Tune in Tomorrow.
.

.

So what you have here is a well-written, well-acted, well-directed adventure film that nobody but me has seen (and maybe a few of you) and, if you haven’t seen it, I recommend that you do.

.

.

LOST FOR WORDS (really. no kidding.)

I don’t have the words to tell you how cool this is.  MUST see.

I’m in love and want to have her baby.

Please don’t tell my wife.

HEADLINE – Chileans living near volcano urged to stay away

.

SANTIAGO, Chile — Chilean officials urged residents already evacuated from homes near an erupting volcano to stay in shelters and with family and friends. 

“We are not ordering you to do anything,” Chilean vulcanologist Hugo Moreno said to a crowd of refuges. “We are merely urging you to stay away.”

About 4,000 Chileans have been evacuated since the Cordon Caulle volcano began erupting June 4.

Chilean officials wanted to make it clear that they are advising residents only. “For example,” Moreno continued, “let’s say that I tell you that a river of lava is on its way to totally destroy your village, if I were to tell you that, and I am not, then I would only be doing so as a courtesy and I would not be ordering you to stay away.  You may decide to go there and check it out for yourself. If you are that kind of person, then that’s perfectly fine.” 

Chile has more than 3,000 volcanoes along its Andean spine, and 500 of these are considered geologically active. About 60 Of these have erupted in the past 450 years.

“But I do urge you to stay away,” Moreno added. “But that’s not an order. It is just a suggestion that I very strongly make, that you stay away. But don’t stay away if you don’t want to. It’s totally your choice,” Moreno concluded.

The Cordon Caulle is located 620 miles (1,000 kilometers) south of the Chilean capital, Santiago.

Source: http://article/AL56

.

TOTALLY DIGGING GAME OF THRONES ON HBO

.

I feel the need to start out clean and admit I have neither read the books nor intend on reading them.  And I am well-aware that the fanboys hate what HBO has done to their beloved ersatz Shakespeare fantasy.

But I’ve watched every episode broadcast thus far and feel very sure that the fanboys have their heads shoved deep within their singular and collective fanboy rectii.

Game of Thrones is a wonderful show and is some of the best television I’ve ever experienced.  It grabbed me from the very beginning and has me wanting even more with each chapter shown. It has become an event in my household.  I open a California pale ale and grow slowly buzzed as the show progresses.  And it is always, always, always over too soon.

I know what you’re thinking, especially Moko, Therbs, Barnes and the Rhino.  All of you are saying “oh, we know  you, Boylan, and we know that it is the proliferation of naked women that persuades you to overlook narrative flaws.

Yes, it is true that I have already expressed a favorable opinion about the series engendered solely by the plethora of buck naked women displayed in each and every episode. However, I have transcended this consideration.  This last episode included no naked women – none at all – and it was the best episode to date.  So shame on any of you for judging me so shallow and callous as to value a video experience merely for inclusion and depiction of naked women.

Which is always a plus. Seriously.  From a purely artistic and utterly intellectual frame of reference, there is no art – low, pop, or high – that cannot be improved with naked women. Especially attractive ones. For example, Roman Polanski’s Macbeth (1971) included naked women, but they were repulsive and did not really enhance the viewing experience.  Trust me on this. Repulsion may be what Polanski was striving for, but not what I pay precious money to see.  I adore my European brothers and sisters, but their appetite for repulsive imagery leaves me cold and confused.

 But I digress.  I am trying to say that, even in the absence of naked women, Game of Thrones is great television.  And I cannot recommend it more highly.

.

HEADLINE – PR campaign for the apocalypse seems to be working

Heaven is apparently going to be minority-free.

MUNCIE –  Evangelical American Christians are not satisfied predicting the end of the world. So they hired a public relations firm to convince the rest of the world that the end is near.

 “More people than ever before are open to the idea of the End of Days,” says Ralf Rabinowitz, Chief Account Executive at Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz & Murphy, one of the world’s top PR firms with corporate offices headquartered in New York City.

Ralf Rabinowi

 “We started with some catchy slogans,” said Rabinowitz. “ ‘The apocalypse is great!’ has appeared on bill boards everywhere in five languages. ‘Capture the Rapture’ was my own idea,” Rabinowitz continued.

 It seems to be working.

 “If you asked me how I felt about the end of the world a year ago, I would have been skeptical,” said Phil Henderson of Fort Wayne, New Jersey. “But now I feel, what the hell, why not?”

 

Phil Henderson

“As long as I am among those who are yanked up to heaven when the rapture comes, then I am for it,” said Samantha Dunning of Mar Vista, California. “Everyone else can just go to hell. Literally.”

Samantha Dunning (right)

 Evangelical churches have poured millions of dollars into the PR campaign to convince non believers that the end is near.

 “It’s good for business,” said Harold Camping, an evangelical radio preacher who has predicted the end of the world six times in the last 20 years. “As long as the money keeps rolling in, I plan on keep predicting Doomsday.”

Harold Camping

Camping owns a corporation that manufactures the materials used to make signs announcing the end of the world.

Cha – ching!

 Source: http:// pr-campaign-for-the-apocalypse-seems-to-be-working

Racist Christians are in for a surprise.

HEADLINE – Marilyn Davenport, Republican official in California, didn’t think Obama as chimp e-mail was racist

"The Chinese are cheaper than the Jews," observed Marilyn Davenport at a news conference .

SANTA ANA –  A prominent Tea Party organizer has come under fire for sending an email containing a photograph depicting President Barack Obama as a chimpanzee.

“There is nothing racist about comparing African Americans with monkeys,” said Marilyn Davenport, an elected member of the Orange County Republican central committee.

Davenport sent the e-mail on Friday. The “family photo” attached to Davenport’s email features the commander-in-chief as a baby chimpanzee with two chimp parents.

“My position would be I am concerned, knowing what the responsibility is of a president,” Davenport said. “I guess we should know his origin, shouldn’t we?”

In 2009 Davenport rose to national notoriety when she defended the former Republican mayor of Los Alamitos, Dean Grose when Grose emailed a photo showing a watermelon patch in front of the White House.

“There is nothing racist about predicting that President Obama will grow watermelons on the White house lawn,” said Davenport, adding that it is a “well-known fact that the blacks enjoy watermelon after eating fried chicken.”

“They also enjoy malt liquor,” Davenport added.

Davenport defended former Newport Beach City Councilman Dick Nichols when Nichols objected to beach improvements because Mexicans would utilize the improvements.

Dick Nichols

“There is nothing racist about complaining that there are too many Mexicans using our local beaches, ruining it for the rest of us,” Davenport said, adding that it is a “well-known fact that your basic Mexican isn’t as clean as normal people.”  Davenport went on to state that “those people” should speak English.

Davenport also defended a Republican women’s club in San Bernardino County that sent out a  newsletter with a fake “food stamp” showing Barack Obama surrounded by fried chicken, watermelon and ribs.

“There is nothing racist about associating the president – who is half-black – with fried chicken, watermelon and ribs,” Davenport said, adding that it is a “well-known fact that many people on welfare, almost all of them black, use food stamps to purchase fried chicken, watermelon, ribs and Kool Aid. Those people just love Kool Aid,” Davenport opined.

Nothing racist about this whatsoever.

Davenport’s supporters argue that the entire controversy is a big misunderstanding.

“All Marilyn was doing was sharing a racist joke with a few of her closest racist friends, which is nothing more than an exercise of her rights of free speech as an American citizen.  If Marilyn is guilty of anything, she is guilty of not taking the time and care to identify her truly racist friends, and separate them from those she knows who are just pretending to be racist,” said an anonymous source close to Davenport.

Her supporter was wearing this t-shirt.

“I think it’s only racist when the intent in my heart is to make it that way, and that was not the intent in my heart,” Davenport said outside her suburban ranch-style home.

In her heart she knows she isn't racist.

“I’m gaining weight, my period has stopped, I have morning sickness but I’m not pregnant,” said Davenport’s 18 year old niece, Buffy. “A person can only be pregnant if they personally think they are pregnant, and if they don’t think they are, then they aren’t.”

Buffy Davenport

“In my heart I know I’m not pregnant,” said Buffy as she tried to cross a busy highway on foot because, in her heart, she “intended” the freeway to be a garden path.

An unknown person who received the email from Davenport was offended and reported the incident to the local media.  Davenport and her supporters are attempting to ascertain the identity of this “race traitor.”

Davenport should never have “friended” Heidi on Facebook.

Sources:  

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2011/04/17/2011-04-H 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_obama_offensive_email;_ -

HEADLINE – Fired workers burn Indian executive to death

 

BHUBANESHWAR, India – Indian police briefly detained two people after an angry mob of fired workers burned to death a senior executive of a steel factory, an official said Friday.

After learning they were laid off so that the company could pay large bonuses to executives, 3,000 workers attacked a vehicle carrying a senior steel mill executive as he was leaving the factory in eastern Orissa state on Thursday, dousing the Jeep with gasoline and setting it on fire, said police Superintendent Ajay Kumar Sarangi.

“Who needs collective bargaining?” said angry factory worker Rhapee Kanasta. “You Americans really have no idea of how to deal with the abuse of corporate power,” Kanasta continued. “Here in India, if they go too far, we kill them.  No table negotiations. No Fair Labor Practices Board of Review. No complicated and expensive lawsuits. No strikes. No picketing. Just douse them in gasoline and burn them.”

“Oh yes, we can become very angry, indeed,” said fellow factory worker Sanje Ghupta.

Source: http://www.sify.com/finance/fired-workers-burn-indian-executive-to-death-news-news-ldhc4ijgcfe.html

Declaration of Sentiments and Resolutions – and Ray Gun Girls

.

By now you know I kind of dig Space Chicks.

.

In addition to writing substantively on the historical, sociological and geopolitical aspects of Space Chicks, my purely scholarly passion led me to become the worlds leading authority on subject.

Professor Boylan presenting a paper on Space Chicks at the University of Johannesburg, South Africa, in 2006

When I first determined the importance of Space Chicks as a pop culture phenomenon,  I soon observed that there is an important Space Chick subset that is best described as “Ray Gun Girls.”  Simply put, a Ray Gun Girl is a girl often, but not always, wearing a space suit in close proximity to a ray gun, often, but not always holding the ray gun.

Like Space Chicks in general, Ray Gun Girls first appeared on the cover of pulp magazines.

And when Space Chicks migrated from pulp novel covers to film and television, Ray Gun Girls began showing up there, too.

In all honesty, most Ray Gun Girl images are fetish driven manifestations of arrested male adolescent wish fulfillment, amounting to little more than soft core pornography.

However, as the years went by science fiction matured, and Space Chick images began to include strong, capable women who were fully realized heroic figures as complex and detailed as any male hero. As this happened, the images of Ray Gun Girls also evolved into something more serious and less sexist.

To me, the entire phenomenon is really quite fascinating. I don’t have the time or inclination to explore in this blog why there is such a driving interest to depict women holding ray guns.  The psycho-sexual implications alone would fill more space than I have to work with here. However, it is worth noting that the Ray Gun Girl concept is distancing itself from sex object utility and is increasingly being seen as a sign of feminist empowerment.

I’m taking the time here to provide you with the opportunity to judge for yourself.  Below is a gallery of Ray Gun Girl drawings and photos representing only what I was able to download in a few minutes before I gave up and went on to more serious business.  Nevertheless, this incomplete sample is the most comprehensive collection of Ray Gun Girl pics anywhere on or off the internet.

I present them in the order my computer imposed due to file title.

[If you don't see any gallery below, then you need to go back up to the top and click on the link entitled something like "The Ultimate Ray Gun Girl Gallery."

I take no responsibility for any offense that may result from anyone accessing and scrutinizing any of the photos in that gallery.]

HEADLINE – Accidental Falls a Leading Cause of Head Injury

MUNCIE - About 2.8 million children and 2 million people aged 65 and older are treated each year at U.S. hospital emergency rooms for head injuries due to accidental falls, says the Open Head Wound Institute (OWHI) located in Muncie, Indiana.

“That accounts for 15% of all head wounds,” says Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Director of OWHI’s Open Head Wound Research and Development Department. “The other 85% of head wound incidents are attributed to angry wives,” Schnurstein continues.

Source:  http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/accidentalfalls-

“I WISH IS COULD TALK IN TECHNICOLOR…”

 

I just watched a video of an ordinary 1950′s housewife take LSD.   Here is what she looked like:

Here is the link:

 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/author-discovers-footage-of-50s-housewife-in-lsd-experiment;_ylt=Ap4VOiwZ343Im4WbTM5_Q9.s0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTVkOGlzZ3VjBGFzc2V0A3libG9nX3RoZWxvb2tvdXQvMjAxMTAxMTgvYXV0aG9yLWRpc2NvdmVycy1mb290YWdlLW9mLTUwcy1ob3VzZXdpZmUtaW4tbHNkLWV4cGVyaW1lbnQEY2NvZGUDbW9zdHBvcHVsYXIEY3BvcwM5BHBvcwM2BHB0A2hvbWVfY29rZQRzZWMDeW5faGVhZGxpbmVfbGlzdARzbGsDZm9vdGFnZW9mNTBz

 

I’m not sure what to say.

HEADLINE – Toxic Waste Bars Have Hazardous Levels Of Lead, Recalled

LOS ANGELES –  Candy bars called “Toxic Waste Chew Bars” have been recalled because a sample lot was found to have high levels of lead – 0.24 parts per million, as opposed to the FDA tolerance of 0.1ppm.

“We clearly labeled those candy bars as Toxic Waste,” said Vinnie Slimp, Vice President of Marketing for Circle City Marketing and Distributors, producers of Toxic Waste Chew Bars.

Vinnie Slimp

“It states quite clearly on the wrapper that the ingredients include three kinds of lead, arsenic, dioxin, chromium 6, spent nuclear fuel and there is also a clear warning that the candy may contain traces of tree or ground nuts,” Slimp said.

“It isn’t our fault when someone ignores these clear warnings and actually eats that stuff,” Slimp concluded.

Circle City Marketing and Distributors  is also recalling  ”Deadly Poison Gum Drops” which they also produce and market.

Both Toxic Waste Chew Bars and Deadly Poison Gum Drops are manufactured in China.

Source: http://www.ecoworld.com/agriculture/toxic-candy-bars-recalled-for-lead-content.html

DID I MENTION I DIG SPACE CHICKS?

.

Of course I have. Over and over again. Since I came to this place I have freely expressed my appreciation for space chicks.  I have written scholarly critiques of new media, expressing dissatisfaction with this television program or that new film because the program or film didn’t have enough space chicks. Conversely, I have expressed my approval when a program or film featured the proper quantity of quality Space Chicks.

.

.

But what, academically speaking, is a Space Chick?  Is it merely a woman in space?

.

.

The first woman in space.

.

Clearly not. The media has depicted many women in space, not all of whom can be properly classified as Space Chicks.  And, where life has imitated art, only one female astronaut can be properly considered a Space Chick.

Allow me to elaborate, elucidate, pontificate and fabricate (but just a little):

As I’ve discussed earlier in this blog, pulp magazines acted as the vehicle through which science fiction entered popular culture.  These pulp magazines – published from the 1920’s through the 1950’s – embodied the motto “sex sells” and so habitually featured women on their covers.  For example:

.

1919

.

1929

.

1933

.

1936

.

1942

.

1949

.

1950

.

With this marketing heritage it was only natural that pulp science fiction magazines would feature, as often as possible, images of women, often scantily clad.

.

.

.

.

.

A Space Chick who apparently likes lollipops.

.

These were the original Space Chicks – objects of amorphous adolescent male fantasy.  And, as objects of early 20th Century amorphous adolescent male fantasy, these space chicks often needed rescuing from monsters.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Film, and eventually television, adopted the pulp magazine formula and expanded upon it. In the same way that producers began insisting that any science fiction project include aliens, they also insisted that Space Chicks be part of whatever awful film or television show they were going to finance.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

But something happened that differentiated Space Chicks from their non science fiction counterparts. Space chicks were often depicted doing more than simply needing rescue and being more than merely sexy.  The Women of Tomorrow were shown to be, not just desirable, but also fast, strong, smart, capable and brave as any man.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Cinema and television imitated the pulp formula and began depicting Space Chicks that were not just sex objects, but also intelligent, confident and professionally accomplished -little realizing that they were part of a social and political revolution.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

When humans actually began poking a tentative finger into outer space, life imitated art.  The Russians were the first to put a woman into space.  Long before they did, they tried to let their people, and the world, know what to expect.

.

.

Make no mistake: this is a Space Chick.  We can’t see the rest of her, and her space suit is undoubtedly too bulky to determine the attractiveness of her physical charms, but her mascara, eye shadow, false eyelashes and lipstick tells us that she is ready for action.

Reality did not meet this expectation.  The actual first woman in space looked like this.

.

.

There is a rumor that persists to this day that she was really a man in a wig.

.

.

In any event, she was no space chick.  The United States did better, but none of the women NASA put into space can be characterized as Space Chicks. Even zero gravity – which one would think, like beer, would make women more attractive – tends to make things worse.

.

Lesbians seem to adore this photo. I have no idea why.

.

There is one exception – Mae Jemison:

.

.

She is more than pretty.  She is a medical doctor. She is strong, smart, capable and brave enough to ride in the space shuttle – a crapshoot against disaster every time its engines ignite. But even more important for the purposes of this essay, her cuteness survives zero gravity. Click on the following link to see what I am talking about.

.

Mae Jemison

.

That isn’t just a picture. It is a pose. But that isn’t what makes Dr. Jemison a Space Chick.  What makes her a bona fide Space Chick is that, after actually going into space, she appeared as a minor characer on Star Trek!!!

.

Dr. Mae Jemision is the only women who is a media space chick AND a real world Space Chick!

How cool is that?

.

MEET KAREN (again) [UPDATED]

>

About a year ago, I asked all of you to go to a website devoted to the American cable television show Mad Men and vote for my dear friend, Karen, so that she could appear on that television program.  This is Karen:

.

.

Please note the ankle tattoo. I will NOT entertain discussion of her “tramp stamp” so don’t even ask.  I’m looking at you, Barnes and Bondi.

I was at our favorite sushi bar the other day with Karen, her husband Gerald and their daughter Laney.  Gerald looks like this:

.

Gerald is possibly the most interesting person I know, and I know a lot of interesting people.  He is the guy who wrote a program called Ethereal now known as Wireshark, a network protocol analyzer.  If you don’t know what that is, then you can’t say you know what is really going on.

Gerald and Karen’s daughter, Laney, looks like this:

.

So we are sitting there chatting, catching up on stuff, when suddenly, and without warning of any kind, Laney gasps and says:

“I swallowed my tooth.”

Laney is very, very young, and is losing her baby teeth. Well, at the moment she was chewing on and swallowing a bit of California Roll, one of her lose teeth dislodged and went down with the food.

.

The culprit.

Laney was very unhappy, but soon was eating with gusto again.

But Karen was not satisfied.

“That is Laney’s first baby tooth. I am going to get that tooth,” she said to me, her words oozing with ruthless determination. “You know me,” she said. ” I am going to get that tooth.”

The visual image was, well, rather disgusting.  Karen saw it on my face and attempted to reassure me.

“I am going to use gloves,” she said.

Using gloves was not really the point.  The concept of Karen rooting through Laney’s – well, you know – was the image that was revolting me.

“Well, okay,” I said. “But I want pictures so I can post them on my blog.”

“Okay!” Karen said.

So, stay tuned!  Pics on the way!

.

UPDATE

Karen succeeded . Here is the tooth:

.

.

Karen assures me that she “soaked it in bleach” but – from my perspective – that isn’t really an important point.

When all is said and done, that tooth has a heck of a story associated with it.  And although the details may be a bit unsavory, it really is an amazing story. And isn’t that what all of this is about?

.

.

I WANT YOU TO PICK MY NEW AVATAR PHOTO

I’ve decided I need a new avatar photo.  This is the one I’ve been using:

.

.

This is really a great photograph.  It is utterly cool in every way an avatar photo can be cool. But, despite how cool it is, no one has ever commented on it – which means no one gets it.

So it is time for Rotwang from Fritz Lang’s Metropolis to go,  but I don’t want to exert the effort of deciding which photo should be my new avatar, which means you get to pick.

I’ve narrowed the field down a bit.  My finalists are numbered below. Whichever pic gets the most votes will be my new avatar.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

REMEMBERING THE 2000 COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE, PART 2

In Part One of this series, we encountered “Hello, Meteor!” – a commercial the Discovery Channel  (TDS) made during the 2000 commercial actors strike.  ”Hello, Meteor!” garnered critical and commercial acclaim.  This success encouraged TDS on to assign more of their non-actor office to star in other commercials, including the now classic “Hello, Mosquito!” shown below.

.

.

REMEMBERING THE 2000 SAG COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE

If you are anything like me, then every so often – when the winter wind blows clean and fresh from the north – you are overcome by nolstagia for the halcyon days of the 2000 Screen Actors Guild Commercial Actors Strike.

Ah, those halcyon days! – when men selling things on television had to do without actors because actors who acted in television commercials wanted more money for their labor, but the major studios wouldn’t give them more money.  And so they went on strike.

Commercials got made and were broadcast without professional acting, and sometimes the results were simply wonderful.

The Discovery Channel used accounting and technical employees to act in a series of commercials that have since become legend, the first of which I feature below.

.

.

.

AHHH!!!   THE ATMOSPHERE!!!!  AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

.

WHAT AMERICANS SOUND LIKE

As I’ve often mentioned (purely as a matter of pretense), I often lecture to non American audiences. With minor exception I lecture in English.

The noted internet social analysis and general media maven, Joseph Bleckman, sent me this link that shows what non English speakers hear when they hear Americans speaking.  It isn’t a very loving or kind parody, but it is pretty funny.

RESTAURANT REVIEW

Last Saturday my wife and I ate at Ming Tu’s – a restaurant located at 1158 “L” Street in Downtown Sacramento.  Ming Tu’s serves Asian” inspired” food in a casual setting.

Not affiliated with Ming Tu in any way whatsoever.

Many people have eaten at Ming Tu’s.  Some of them have written reviews that can be found at http://www.yelp.com/biz/ming-tus-asian-diner-sacramento.  For example, Karina of Elk Grove writes:

“I’ve been here twice – with coworkers and with friends.  The food is definitely an Americanized version of Chinese food, but far better than Panda Express. Love their Mongolian beef over brown rice.”

Moo N of Sacramento writes:

“I work a couple of blocks from here so I have had opportunity to eat here often.  Each time I have eaten here, I have been quite happy.  The teriyaki chicken with rice is my fave and I love the fried rice too!  I love rice so if you do too you should definitely partake ”

My dining experience was a little different from Katrina’s and Moo’s. My meal was not as good as theirs. So this is going to be a negative restaurant review.

Over the years I’ve written plenty of restaurant reviews, may of them negative, and when I write a negative review I spend a lot of time describing what I ate and how it was served. Then I complain a lot.

I feel this is a special case. The usual descriptions of the food and service and the usual complaining just wouldn’t be enough to properly express how I feel about this dining experience. So I’m not going to describe the food or the service. I’m not going to make fun of the owner’s funny accent. I am not going to mock the handicapped busboy.  Instead, I will simply describe what I did after I left Ming Tu’s.

After I paid the bill and my wife and I left the restaurant, I immediately walked to a nearby church and prayed that God would reach down with His mighty hand and, with a fist of divine fury, smite Ming Tu’s, crushing it down to the bedrock, destroying it utterly.

I know what you are thinking. You think I over reacted.  You are thinking: “Aw, come on, Paul. The meal couldn’t have been so bad that you would call upon the Creator of the Universe to smite those responsible. “

If you are thinking this, you are wrong.  You weren’t there. You didn’t pay good money for really bad Chinese food. It was so bad that I felt, and still feel, within my rights as a God fearing Christian to call upon the power of Almighty God to send down destruction upon Ming Tu’s and punish all those responsible for my mediocre dining experience.

Now you are thinking: “Okay, Paul, let’s assume for the sake of argument that the meal you were served wasn’t very good.  Is that sufficient reason for calling for divine retribution? Isn’t being served a bad meal at a restaurant a trivial reason for calling upon the divine power of God Almighty to smite those who displeased you?”

Not at all.  And if you think that, then you probably are not a Christian.

Or you might be a Socialist.

A Socialist Atheist, that’s what you are, if you think there is anything wrong with me asking God to smite anyone I don’t like or destroy any business that has provided less than acceptable service.

Every day, ordinary people from all walks of life call upon the power of the Lord to avenge them – often for seemingly trivial reasons. My own Aunt reads the Bible every day and goes to church every Sunday – and every single day she prays to Baby Jesus that her neighbor die of a heart attack.

Her neighbor is a liberal who plays that jazz music much too loud. And he voted for Obama. Who is a secret Muslim.

But I digress.  My point is that it is perfectly okay to call upon the power of God to right any wrong, no matter how trivial the wrong may appear. The Bible shows us that God responds in dramatic ways to correct what seem to be trivial wrongs.

For example, in 2 Kings 23-25, the prophet Elisha, who had a bald head, cast a “curse unto God” at a bunch of young boys who were making fun of Elisha’s bald head.  Now, you non-Christian, socialist liberal secret Muslims will say that what those kids did was no big deal.  Well, God didn’t think so.  In response to Elisha’s curse, God sent two female bears to kill forty-two of those boys.

So Elisha called upon the divine power of the Creator of the Universe to punish a bunch of boys who made fun of him. I am calling upon that same power to smite a restaurant that served me a lousy meal.  I honestly don’t see the difference. I fully expect to see a big hole in the ground where Ming Tu’s used to be when I next drive or walk by that place.

I’ll let you know if it happens.

MISSING BABY FOUND

.

Little Shannon Dedrick’s disappearance caught the world’s attention.

.

7 month old Shannon Dedrick

.

The world breathed a collective sigh of relief when, today, Shannon was found in a box under the bed of her baby sitter – who had apparently abducted the infant.

.

.

I am glad the ordeal is over for Shannon’s parents, but someone has to point out that their child is an alien.

.

That isn't drool.

.

Little Shannon is clearly a human/alien hybrid.  I am the last person on this or any world to so much as imply that there is anything wrong with that.  At one time some stygma might have attached to parents who gave birth to an alien baby, but recent high profile celebrity adoptions have removed much of that stygma.

.

>
As a consequence, caring for an alien baby has become quite fashionable.

,

<

Shannon’s parents must realize that raising a human/alien hybrid is a challenging, but ultimately rewarding endeavor.

.

Every child is a special gift from God.

.

For example, Shannon’s remarkably large head indicates that she will be telepathic.

.

Knows what you are thinking.

.

Telepathic children are unusually challenging because they know when daddy says “no” that he really means “yes” and when mommy says “just wait until your father gets home!” mommy really doesn’t mean it.

.

Nothing but trouble

.

As an alien/human hybrid, little Shannon is likely to develop the skill to levitate.

.

Extra care is required.

.

Like telepathy, the ability to levitate will be a job skill that employers will appreciate, but in the beginning, the parent of an alien/human hybrid must exercise extra care, such as making sure windows are closed at all times.

.

Not good.

So, we are all glad baby Shannon is back, but her parents need to pay attention to her special qualities.

.

HALLOWEEN AT MY PLACE

Culturally speaking, the United States has contributed two things to the world – popular barbecue and Halloween.

Why not both at the same time?

By “popular” I mean widespread.  No people on earth have popularized cooking outdoors over live fire the way we Americans have. For a more serious discussion, please click here. l

Considered good eating in Perth.

By “Halloween” I mean an unabashed annual celebration of the spooky.

Other cultures celebrate death.  They do it in China. They do it in Mexico.  But those celebrations are essentially spiritual and/or religious.  But not Halloween.  Halloween has nothing to do with the spiritual. It has nothing to do with religion.  It has everything to do with fun.

Every year on October 31st – when the wall between the worlds is thinnest and most easily crossed – kids and adults dress up in costumes and, when it gets dark, they go door to door essentially begging for candy – which they receive in large, monstrous handfuls.

This completely non religious festival is becoming part of the international scene.  American style Halloween is now celebrated all over the world.

Halloween in Costa Rica

Halloween in Singapore

My favorite expression of this spread is Sandra’s haunted balcony in Hamburg, Germany.

It makes sense that the Germans in particular would embrace Halloween.

Admirable Teutonic exuberance.

But I digress.  I am here to tell you – to show you – what Halloween is like here in Northern California in the small town where I live.

For me Halloween began with a knock on my door early in the morning.  My neighbor and his son came by to ask is they could install a portal into a dimension of evil in my front yard.  My lawn was destroyed when my home was remodeled, so I figured, heck, when would there be a better time to have a portal into a dimension of evil installed in my front yard?

A hole was dug.

The device was installed.

While my neighbors tinkered with the field densities between the universes, a flock of wild turkeys strolled down my street foraging and decided to spend some time on a roof at the end of the block.

It was a good omen.

I decided to carve a pumpkin, but the pumpkin bin at my local market was somewhat bare with slim pickings left.

Nevertheless, I was able to find a reasonably decent pumpkin and was able to exercise the minimal artistic talent every American is born with and which is useful only for carving faces in pumpkins.

The dirt from the hole that housed the portal into the dimension of evil made a couple of fine impromptu graves.

All we had to do was wait for darkness and some unsuspecting Trick or Treaters.

Actual Trick or Treaters who came to my door.

I went out and bought candy to give away to the little boys and gouls who would come to my door that evening.

In addition to the usual treats, I included in my selection the very finest fake glow in the dark sour worms I could find.

The perfect Halloween treat.

And then it was time to get our collective freak on.

The device in my front yard worked nicely.  I had a switch inside the house that triggered the device whenever someone rang the door bell, causing much shouting and the occasional scream.

It was a most satisfying Halloween.  But I’m beginning to wonder if that portal is going to harm the value of my property.

 

“YOU LIE!”

JOE WILSON AND THE AMERICAN WAY

I want to talk to you about Joe Wilson, the guy who heckled Barak Obama by yelling “you lie!” when the president was addressing a joint session of congress.

.

He looks retarded, but he is more than that.

.

The liberal media has expressed extreme outrage over this incident, accusing Wilson of being everything from a boorish idiot to a racist.

.

Victim of the liberal media

Don’t let that outrage fool you. What Wilson did is no big deal – especially when viewed through the lens of American history.  A congressman yelling “you lie!” at the president during a presentation to congress is not only a trivial event, the event itself fits well within the American traditions of political free speech.

The American Way

To begin with, allow me to remind you what it means to be an American.  More than anything else, being an American means having the constitutional right to speak your mind.  Many Americans take this important freedom for granted.  But those outside our great nation know how special and precious it is. During the great wave of immigration that took place near the beginning of the 20^th Century – the time my Greek ancestors came to this country – immigrants wrote home saying that the streets of American cities were “paved with gold.”

In a literal sense this wasn’t true.  But to people escaping tyranny, oppression and poverty, the freedoms and opportunities that came with merely walking on American soil were priceless.  Where they came from, no matter how hard they worked they could never hope for a better life for their children.  In America, men and women who are willing to work hard can shape their own futures.  In their homelands, these immigrants could be arrested and imprisoned for saying the wrong thing.  But in America they could argue in the streets and express their opinions freely.

.

.

.

What the liberal media wants us to forget is that the right of free speech includes the right to get angry.  When Joe Wilson interrupted the President of the United States by shouting “you lie!” Citizen Joe was merely exercising his rights as an American and was taking part in a tradition that spans our nation’s noble history.

The American Founding Fathers were notoriously cranky, rude, angry men who openly hated each other.  Benjamin Franklin hated Thomas Paine. Thomas Paine hated George Washington. George Washington hated all French intellectuals – who, in a very real sense, gave birth to the American Revolution.

Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr hated each other so much they fought a duel – and Burr killed Hamilton with a bullet that pierced Hamilton’s liver.  Thomas Jefferson – the man given credit with drafting the American Declaration of Independence – made loud, unmistakable noises simulating flatulence – often using his hand and armpit – every time he encountered his political rival John Adams.  Adams never hesitated to accuse Jefferson of “preferring the company of young boys” and of stealing the design for the swivel chair from Nathaniel Swivel, a Boston furniture maker and brewer.

Nathaniel Swivel

As our republic grew and matured, so did the salty nature of American political discourse.  Martin Van Buren – our 8^th president – and the first American president born in the United States – won the 1832 election in a landslide.  But the Whig Party (now defunct) despised Van Buren and refused to recognize his legitimacy.  They spread rumors that he was born in Holland and that he was secretly a Quaker.

Quaker

In conjunction with this rumor campaign, the Whigs engaged in a rhetorical attack utilizing misleading vocabulary. For example, Winfield Scott – a Whig Party organizer – gave a speech in Buffalo, New York accusing Van Buren of vague charges that no one understood but everyone believed.  Scott is quoted as saying:

“In addition to the many crimes Martin Van Buren has committed against the American people as a whole – nay humanity – perhaps most disturbing, if not revolting, is the indisputable fact that Van Buren is a notorious masticator.   Reliable sources close to Van Buren – if that is his real name – confirm that he masticates at least three times a day, often in the presence of his wife. As monstrous as this may seem, Van Buren has also been known to vacillate on numerous occasions.  I put it to you that, not only is Van Buren a vacillator AND a masticator, he vacillates WHILE he masticates! The man has practiced vacillation and chronic mastication ever since he was a small child in Holland!”

These Whig tactics worked: the public turned against Van Buren, with many refusing to shake his hand for fear of where it may have been.  Whig congressmen and senators began pelting Van Buren with rotten vegetables whenever he spoke publically. The threat of violence became so pronounced that Van Buren would carry two loaded pistols whenever he addressed congress.

Packing heat

More recently, Republicans unhappy with Franklin Delano Roosevelt – a polio victim confined to a wheel chair – accused Roosevelt of being born in Norway and of secretly being a Free Mason. They would yell “cripple!” and “gimp!” during Roosevelt’s State of the Union addresses, pretending that they were sneezing.

He killed and ate this child.

.

So, when seen through the lens of history, Joe Wilson’s yelling, “you lie!” at Obama during the the President’s State of the Union Address, or Arizona Governor Jan Brewer jabbing her finger into the President’s face while yelling at him, or even a reporter heckling Obama during a press conference, it really isn’t very important.

.

This never happened when a white president was giving a speech.

.

This would never happen to a white president, and never has.

.

Perhaps they feel free to disrespect him because he isn’t white, so he can’t really be the president, so they don’t owe him any respect.

.

 It is just part of the American way.

.

.

.

.

.

HEADLINE – Ugandan gorillas join Facebook

Endangered Ugandan gorillas join Facebook, MySpace

By Rhappi Khanasta, Ass. Press Writer – Sat Sep 26, 10:53 am ET

KAMPALA, Uganda – Around 340 mountain gorillas — nearly half of the 740 remaining worldwide — have joined Facebook, Myspace and Twitter in an attempt to live it up before the end.

“I figured, what the hell?” explains M’bitah, a male silverback weighing 400 pounds (180 kilograms) who lives in Uganda’s lush Bwindi Impenetrable Forest National Park. “Maybe I can hook up with a willing female and have a little fun before I am shot, killed and eaten,” M’bitah said.

Despite their size — a male silverback can reach over 7 feet (2.1 meters) — the gorillas are threatened by poachers who kill them for meat, farmers and charcoal-burners who encroach on their habitat, and the indiscriminate bullets of rebels on the run.

“We Mountain Gorillas will probably be eaten into extinction within a year or two,” said Kampanga, a female adult mountain gorilla. “But I just got friended by five people on Facebook and 28 people responded to my tweet about scratching my stomach,” she said. “How cool is that?”

“We support efforts to include gorillas within internet based social networks,” said N’kita “Ernie” Ruzigandekwa, President and former Treasurer for the Ugandan Bush Meat Advisory Board, a nonprofit, corporate sponsored interest group that promotes eating gorillas. “The Ugandan mountain gorilla is an elusive creature that is much, much easier to sneak up on when concentrating on updating their Facebook profile,” Ruzigandekwa said.

.

.

MY FAVORITE HOMOSEXUALS

Today I couldn’t help but notice homosexuals all over the place.

.

.

I noticed three homosexuals while I watched television as I made coffee for my wife. I saw half a dozen more as I drove my son to school. I saw another two or three in the supermarket where I stopped to buy milk on my way back home. And, when I parked outside my house, I waved to Ted, my gay neighbor, as he was leaving his house to go to work.

.

My gay neighbor, Ted.

We chatted a bit and both agreed that the weather was fabulous for this time of year.

It wasn’t always this way.  At one time, not so long ago, I could go for months without encountering a homosexual or even noticing one on the street. Other than Richard Simmons, you almost never saw one on TV.

.

Richard Simmons. Very gay.

.

But things have changed.  The media today seems jam-packed with homosexuals – both real and imaginary. For example, on the television show Will and Grace, Eric McCormack – a fine, upstanding heterosexual actor – plays the part of a homosexual lawyer.

.

Eric McCormack: not gay.

.

While on the television show How I Met Your Mother Neil Patrick Harris, who is gay, plays the part of Barney, who isn’t.

.

Neil Patrick Harris: totally gay.

.

(Harris also played the part of Doogie Howser, which disturbs me.  Somehow I cannot accept that Doogie is gay.)

.

What the hell?

.

It wasn’t always this way.  In the old days, you could go your whole life without noticing a homosexual.  You could be in the middle of a crowd without realizing you were surrounded by them. Your best friends could have been gay – and probably were – but you would never have known it because they did everything they could to look, sound, dress and live like heterosexuals.  And they were pretty good at it.  Some – like Senator Larry Craig – got married and even had kids just to avoid anyone knowing they were gay. You gotta admire that kind of effort.

.

Republican Senator Larry Craig.   Imagine the effort.

.

But now it seems that more and more homosexuals go out of their way to appear “gay” by embodying gay stereotypes.  I see lesbians every day with short hair, often wearing bandanas on their heads, dressed in flannel shirts, wearing extra-long baggy cargo/plaid/khaki shorts and walking in Doc Martins or Birkenstocks.

.

.

(If you are a woman and I just described what you look like, and you are not gay, I’m sorry, but it isn’t my fault: you look like a lesbian).

Every day I see effeminate, lisping, mincing, fastidious, fashion-forward, musical theater loving guys who “simply adore” Betty Davis, and who go out of their way to demonstrate that they throw like a girl. (“Here! Catch!  Don’t I throw like a girl?”)

But I am not one to judge.  I mean that in a literal sense.  I tried it, and I was a terrible judge.  I couldn’t really accept the whole “innocent until proven guilty” slogan.  I mean, if the accused might be innocent, then why were they in jail?  They must have done something wrong, right?  When I found out judges are supposed to be “impartial” I realized I am not one to judge.

Not as easy as it looks.

.

Neither am I here to debate the issue.  I am not here to say whether the advent of open homosexuality is good or bad.  The last thing I want to do is get involved in a argument over whether homosexuality is a naturally occurring condition – like red hair and freckles – or a mental disease like acute schizophrenia that can be treated with intensive psychotherapy or drugs or even institutionalization.

.

.

As far as I am concerned, both positions have merit, but I don’t want to get involved.

In all honesty, there is a limit to my ability to embrace this brave new world.  I feel I speak for many heterosexuals when I say that there is a certain “ick” factor associated with the concept, if not the practice, of homosexuality.

.

.

We heterosexuals are trying to keep open minds, but we are wired this way and cannot help finding the picture below sort of unsettling on a visceral level.

.

.

And let’s not forget the problems inherent in the persistent argument that the gay lifestyle is an abomination in the eyes of God.  I mean, Leviticus 18:23 really complicates the whole discussion, doesn’t it?

.

Repressed homosexual (the one holding the signs).

.

But I digress.  The point I am trying to make is that there are lots of homosexuals out there and I might as well point out the ones I like.  Here is a quick list of the homosexuals I approve of:

.

Ellen DeGeneres:

Ellen is American’s Gay Sweetheart.

.

.

She is smart.  She is funny.   She replaced Paula Abdul on American Idol.

When you see Ellen it is easy to overlook that she prefers to have sex with women.

.

Karl Rove:

.

Karl is one of my favorite homosexuals because he defeats the gay stereotype that male homosexuals are fastidious, well groomed and fashionable.  He does this by being fat and sloppy.  Snap! You go, Karl!

.

.

And, to give balance to this column, my least favorite homosexuals are….

.

Elton John:

.

Elton hasn’t had a hit for years and that thing on his head is clearly a toupee.  Come on, Elton: spend the money.

.

Rosie O’Donnell:

.

I detest Rosie O’Donnell.  She is a loud-mouthed, annoying, pompous, self-important, corpulent idiot.  She discredits all homosexuals – especially the fat, ugly ones.

Well, that’s it for my thoughts on homosexuality.  I think I’ll have a beer and watch High School Musical. That show is totally gay.

.

.

SARAH PALIN AND THE GOP RENAISSANCE – Part 3

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

It has been a while since I’ve appeared here. During my absence I’ve paid close attention to the increasingly hostile national debate that is now focused on health care reform. The way the topic is being debated reinforces my belief the Republican Party is poised for renaissance and that Sarah Palin is key to the GOP’s rebirth.

As I’ve said, I am not addressing these comments to everyone out there who considers themselves conservative Republicans.  As I’ve explained previously, over the last 30 years the term “conservative Republican” has become warped and twisted to include people that hold positions contrary to what the GOP has historically championed.

Considers himself a conservative, and is probably a registered Republican

Let me make it simple:  if you believe that Barak Obama can’t be president because he was born in Kenya, or if you think Obama’s health care reform proposals are similar to anything Hitler did,  then stop reading.

Yeah. You. Stop reading. It will only make your brain hurt.

Go watch Glenn Beck on Fox.

Proof there is a flaw in the First Amendment.

Enjoy yourself.

But stop reading this. You lack the intellectual and/or emotional capacity and/or stability to join the effort to fix what is broken and to help guide the GOP back to national prominence.

I am writing to conservative Republicans who, like me, reluctantly supported Obama because a McCain win that included Palin as his Vice President was too horrifying to event think about.

I am writing to you out there who are watching with equal horror as crazy people disrupt town hall meetings – and then are interviewed on cable news.

I am here to tell you not to worry. The screaming crazies are part of a chain of events that will transform the GOP from its current status as a “rump” political party into a new and stronger national force.  And Sarah Palin is the key to this rebirth.

But before that can happen, we need to admit some basic truths – like the undeniable fact that crazy, stupid people have taken over the GOP.

Ronald Reagan invited them in.

We need to recognize that this was a mistake.

Republican candidates lose votes every time some middle-aged fat, poorly dressed woman screams “I want my country back!” at a nationally televised town hall meeting or some wild-eyed attorney (who is also a dentist and real estate agent) demonizes Obama by comparing him to Joseph Stalin or Adolf Hitler and calls for the army to revolt against our national government.

.

She really said that (the one in the middle).

.

When John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate, he did so with the hopes of pleasing social conservatives/fundamentalist.  He succeeded.

They flocked to McCain/Palin rallies where they did what they always do at their local school board meetings, city council meetings and county board of supervisor meetings – they screamed and shook their fists in anger.  They demonized their opponents.  They proudly proclaimed their intellectual, educational and worldly ignorance.

Palin encouraged this because she was and is, essentially, a small town politician. She did what she knows, and that included saying and doing really dumb things, and then lying about it.  She pretended to be moral when her record revealed entrenched corruption.  She exploited her Down Syndrome baby because that plays well to small town crowds.

Small town crowds just adore retarded babies.

Plays GREAT in Wasilla!

A photo op at home!

Possibly the most exploited child in America. I'm not saying they should be ashamed of him or hide him. I am saying they actively exploited that poor kid.

I take that back. These were the most exploited children in America. Remember: marriage is a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers.

But it did not play well to the national American audience.  McCain, to his credit, tried to manage the damage, but it was too late. Palin gave the crazies a reason, a platform, a place to do their crazy political thing in front of the whole world.

And that is why McCain lost. Although he is a true conservative, he had no choice but to choose Palin as his running mate because the GOP is dependent on the lunatic fringe’s money and support in the same way a drug addict is dependent on his or her supplier.  But when moderate conservatives saw the lunatics screaming at Palin rallies, McCain lost the moderate vote, which lost him the election.

Don't think it didn't hurt.

Don't think it doesn't still hurt. Don't you understand? The GOP left us no choice.

Palin’s resignation as Alaska’s governor freed her to reach out to the crazies who support her.  In essence, she is forming a new political party.

.

.

Traditional conservatives should welcome this.  The crazies need a place to go – and stay.  They are welcomed to exert local and regional influence, but, if the GOP has a chance of returning to national prominence, the crazies cannot be allowed to hijack  the national debate.

Palin will continue saying outrageous things that the media cannot resist reporting.

Each time this happens, more and more screaming crazies will join her organization. Close to the next election, Palin will approach the GOP leadership – probably at the national convention – and try to make a deal. She will offer money and support in exchange for influence behind the scenes on the national stage.

We need to say no.  If we accept the deal, we will be repeating the mistake Reagan made, which will alienate the moderate votes we need to regain the White House and majorities in congress.  We need to say no when the devil comes again to our door with promises of power in exchange for just a little bit of our soul.

Yeah, its a little like this.

It won’t be easy. Politicians often cannot resist the lure of easy money or the promise of guaranteed votes. But if our Republican leaders can resist this temptation, then the GOP will again become the voice of and for the American majority.

MOST OF THE RUMORS ARE FALSE

By Paul Nicholas Boylan,

Columnist

[Printed with permission of the Sacramento Valley Mirror, whose editor is an alien insect bent on world domination]

**********

One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – recently wrote:

“I bet your getting a good laff  writing about me in the valley smear laff it up jew boy I heard that the departement of justise is gonna file charges against you for getting fired for lying to elected officials! ha! they are on there way to arrest you right now I heard that you are cheating on your wife with oriental illegal aliens who dont speak english we should send them back where they come from along with all the other illegal aliens who wont speak English and welfare cheats and homisexual liberals I hope your afraid because of the stuff I heard about you from reliable sorses like my neighbors and other reliable sorses like my other neighbors and other people who know things about you that they heard from reliable sorses”

Penelope’s comment highlights a growing problem: what do you do when you hear rumors, especially when you hear them from people you trust, who probably heard them from people they trust, and so on, and so on?

.

.

.

.

As Penelope’s email shows, there isn’t much you can do when confronted by a rumor other than spread the rumor and, if you spend most of your day on the internet, it is pretty easy to spread a rumor farther than ever possible before.  But what is an average individual supposed to do?

.

.

.

.

An ordinary person really can’t do much to verify or disprove a rumor – especially the kind that is either started or spread by anonymous people on the Internet.  I, on the other hand, am not an ordinary person.  In addition to having webbed toes, I am fortunate to be an attorney with the skills and the connections needed to round up answers and get to the bottom of things – which means I can verify rumors.

.

.

.

.

So, as a service to a community that has been very good to me, I investigated some of the more prevalent and persistent rumors currently floating around and have determined whether they are true or not. I want to start with something personal, and then go on to rumors of a more general interest.

Rumor No. 1:  I am Jewish.

.

Superficial similarities.

.

.

This rumor is false.  I really have no idea how it got started or why it continues to spread. People keep sending me emails arguing that the Holocaust was a “Jew plot” to discredit the Nazis. People call me to complain about Israel’s treatment of the Palestinians. Complete strangers walk up to me on the street to ask me when the next Barbara Streisand movie is coming out.

.

.

We all know each other.

.

.

To set the record straight, I am not Jewish: I am Greek Orthodox, a faith that prides itself on being the oldest continuous version of Christianity.  Despite some similarities – e.g., Greeks have big noses, are notoriously cheap, are smarter than goyum (i.e., non-Greeks) and control the media – Judaism and Greek Orthodoxy have very little in common.  And then there are the goat sacrifices – which I would rather not get into right now.

.

.

Hilarious at parties.

.

.

Rumor No. 2:  The words “Butte County” mean something obscene in Latin.

Knows what it means.

.

.

This rumor is false.  “Butte County” has no Latin meaning whatsoever.  The word “butte” is French, meaning “a small hill or mound of earth detached from any mountain range”  Coincidentally, “Butte County” mean “socially embarrassed potato” in Swahili.

The persistent rumor that “Butte County” is a foreign obscenity can be traced to a printing accident that took place shortly after Butte County was founded in 1850.  Butte County’s first Clerk,  the legendary Earnest H. Sockmender, ordered stationery that mistakenly read “Butt County.”  The mistake wasn’t discovered until 1853 when famed actress and exotic dancer Lola Montez was performing at the Yellow Foot Saloon in Biggs.

.

.

Lola Montez

.

.

Rumor No. 3  Glenn County was founded by an insane polygamist wheat farmer who used a private militia to force the Colusa County Council, at gunpoint, to “let go of” the land that eventually became Glenn County.

.

The Battle for Glenn County.

.

\.

This rumor is false.  Dr. Hugh J. Glenn – the prominent California wheat farmer and amateur dentist that Glenn County is named after – was not insane.

.

.

Rumor No. 4:  Glenn County Superintendent of Schools, Arturo Barrera, is really a woman.

.

.

Arturo Barrera

.

.

Despite my very best research and investigative efforts, I can neither confirm nor deny this allegation.  Barrera’s bodyguards – who seem to be with him 24 hours a day – make it impossible to get close enough to perform the examination necessary to either confirm or disprove the rumor. However, I’ve eaten with Arturo, and I can tell you from first hand experience that no woman can devour a bucket of fried chicken that fast or that vigorously.

.

.

.

.

The next few rumors are relatively recent, and seem to be part of an attempt to explain why the Glenn County Superior Court decided to remodel a courtroom scheduled to be closed, and then spent more money in attorney’s fees than the remodeling cost trying to keep the remodeling details secret.

.

Rumor No. 5:  Retired Glenn County Judge St. Evans killed a guy and hid his body in a “man-sized safe” for a time period longer than the one recommended by the Judicial Counsel. The “remodeling” was a cover story created to explain efforts to remove the evidence.

.

Chambers of Mystery.

.

.

This rumor is false and, frankly, it offends me that anyone would repeat it.  It is simply unbelievable that any judge would kill anyone (except for those two judges in Los Angeles) and violate the Judicial Council’s standards for body storage/disposal (again, except for those same two judges in Los Angeles).   Also, hiding evidence of judicial misconduct doesn’t explain the decision to install high-tech infrared remote controlled automatic window shades.

.

.

Rumor 6: The Orland judge’s chambers remodeling project cost so much money because they are building a trans-dimensional portal that will be used by evil insectoid aliens to invade the earth and use people for food.

.

It would look a lot like this.

.

This rumor is seductive, lulling the listener into believe it because it explains so much.  People wonder why such a large amount of money was spent to remodel a room so tiny, but a trans-dimensional portal could easily fit in that tiny space with room to spare.  The large amounts of money spent trying to keep the project details secret is also explained by the need to prevent humans from finding out about the plan before it is too late to stop it.  Even the high tech electronic automatic window shades are explainable because it is well known that insectoid alien monsters – hungry for human flesh – are notoriously light sensitive.

.

.

Dislikes direct sunlight.

.

.

However, no matter how tempting it is to believe this rumor, I cannot confirm it, and it is my firm opinion that it is probably untrue.

In closing,  I want to say that I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords and would like to take this opportunity to remind them that, as an attorney and lobbyist, I can be helpful in rounding up others to serve as a food source during their stay on our world – and I am willing to do it at a very low hourly rate.

.

.

Such a deal, eh?

.

.

THE BRAVE NEW WORLD OF INTERNET “NEWS”

The author (front) and his brother, Dave (back).

y Paul Nicholas Boylan,

Columnis

People of Earth, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that very soon virtually everyone on earth will be able to easily and cheaply access the Internet.

Even really, really poor people.

It is happening so fast no one can keep up or predict where or how it will end.  Computers and telephones with wireless connections to the World Wide Web are spreading even through the poorest parts of Africa – even though there is no electrical infrastructure there. The people who live in those retched places are using solar energy to power their small, inexpensive internet devices.  And that means people from Port-au-Prince to Benghazi can watch television reruns on Hulu, watch weird videos on YouTube and look down upon their huts and refugee camps using the satellite images from Google Earth.

.

.

Now for the bad news. Even though we are entering a brave new world promising incredible access to information, a lot of the information available is absolute junk.  This true especially for the news.

.

.

The problem is found in the system itself.  Every major newspaper and every major Internet service provider offers a news page where anyone can browse the headlines for free.  Google has a news page.  Yahoo has a news page.  Microsoft has a news page.

.

.

But there just isn’t enough news to fill those pages.  Our opportunities to find news on the Internet are growing faster than the news itself.  There just isn’t enough happening that is newsworthy to post on the Internet for you and me to read.

In the past, during the golden age of journalism, great newspapers like the Washington Post and the New York Times and the Weekly World News pledged to report “all of the news that is fit to print.”  Please read that promise carefully:  all of the news that is fit to print.  That implies that not all news is suitable to be put in a newspaper.  Some stories are just too trivial or too stupid to make it past an editor.  Traditionally, only the most interesting, most helpful and/or most topical stories made it into print.  In other words, quality mattered.

.

.

It isn’t that way any more.  In this new age of fast information access, quality has lost its meaning and importance. Now quantity is king.  Electronic space, millions of times larger than all of the newspapers that have ever been printed, needs to be filled with something.

.

Think about it.

The results are simply bizarre, and – truth be told – a little frightening.  When the quality of information loses its importance, the quality of thought and reason suffers.

For example, just yesterday I read the following headline on the Google News website:

“NAVAJOS LARGELY UNSCATHED BY RECESSION”

I want you to think about this headline.  It basically reports that the group of Native Americans more commonly called Navajos – who are perhaps one of the poorest people in the United States, suffering from lack of education, lack of health care and double digit unemployment – are not really being affected by the recent economic down turn.  And why? Because they are already dirt poor, that’s why.

 

The news article quoted some idiot who explained why the Great Recession isn’t really being noticed on Navajo reservations:

“Most Navajos own their own homes, tend not to invest in the stock market and have long had difficulties borrowing money, distinguishing them from millions of other Americans who’ve suffered from rising mortgage payments, sinking 401(k) retirement accounts and stricter terms from lenders.”

If you are not totally amazed at the abject stupidity of this “news” then perhaps I can help you understand by suggesting a headline that would be equally stupid for exactly the same reasons:

“RECENT STUDY SHOWS DEAD PEOPLE HAVE FEWER HEALTH PROBLEMS”

Navajos are not affected by the Great Recession for the exact same reason why dead people don’t get sick: because they are already in such bad shape that it just doesn’t matter.  Swine flu isn’t a problem for people who have died for the same reason unemployment isn’t a problem for people who already don’t have a job.  

You know what else impoverished Navajos aren’t affected by? The increase in swimming pool maintenance fees and the rising price of caviar.

.

Lucky Navajos!

.

The fact that our banks won’t lend any money doesn’t matter to people who could never get a loan anyway. Reporting this kind of stuff as “news” is like reporting thathpigs are born small but grow big.lIt isn’t news. It is an observation dressed up and presented to look like news.

.

.

It gets worse.  Not only are stupid things reported, but also stupid people are actually allowed to make the news itself.  For example, yesterday I also read the following headline:

“STEELERS LINEBACKER HARRISON WON’T VISIT WHITE HOUSE”

Here is what happened: President Obama invited Super Bowl champions Pittsburgh Steelers to the White House.  Linebacker James Harrison refused to go because Obama “would probably have invited Arizona if they had won.”

.

Harrison is the one in the air.

.

Excuse me? Is he kidding? No, he is not kidding, and that is exactly what is wrong with this “news” article.  He is one serious intellectually challenged American style football player. I mean, what the f**k.  Seriously, what the f**k? Is there anything inside his cranium at all?

Mr. Harrison – if I may address you personally – please try to understand that being angry with the President because Obama would have invited the other team if they had won is just as stupid as a man divorcing his wife because, if she had not agreed to marry him, she would probably have married someone else.

Oh hell. I sincerely hope Harrison doesn’t read this, because if he does, he is going to agree and divorce his wife. I do not want to be responsible for that or anything like it.  I am sure they are a happy couple. I mean, I bet Harrison’s wife takes advantage of his lack of mental acuity to do just about anything she wants.

“Hey, honey, who is that in our bed making love to you?”

“No one, sweety. You are dreaming.

“I am?”

“Yes, you are.”

“Okay!”

.

Harrison thinking.

.

But I digress.  The point I originally wanted to make is that his stupid reason for not visiting the White House is just a stupid reason. It isn’t newsworthy.  Yet it has engulfed enormous space on the internet.

Navajos that are “lucky” because they are condemned to hopeless poverty and stupid football players aren’t newsworthy.  At best that is information devoid of usefulness or meaningful content.

Welcome to the Information Age.

.

********************

ZippyT.Pinhead writes:

” ‘Welcome to the Information Age?’ That is a terribly weak last line for an essay that is marginal at best.”

Zippy, I am forced by self-honesty to agree with your opinion that I ended the essay poorly. However, as for your assessment that the essay itself was somehow not up to scratch, I offer the following in rebuttal:

.

.

>

HEADLINE – POLICE APPREHEND BIGGEST SERIAL KILLER

By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass. Press Writer – Thu Apr 30, 9:59 pm ET

LOS ANGELES – Police believe a 72-year-old insurance claims adjuster arrested earlier this month is the biggest serial killer in the city’s history.

“This guy is huge,” Capt. Denis Cremins said. “When we say we caught him laying around the house, we mean “around” the house.”

The suspect weighs over a metric ton and is so large that his arrest required two specially trained SWAT units just to put him in improvised handcuffs originally used to restrain emotionally unstable, bipolar hippos at the Los Angeles Zoo.

“We trained in Iraq, so my men are familiar with morbidly obese perpetrators,” Denis said. “But this is way beyond my experience.  How could he let that happen to him? He should be ashamed of himself.”

Serial killers often over-eat, said FBI profiler, David Carr. “It really is a big problem and it can lead to clinical depression. Without counseling and medical intervention, a serial killer’s uncontrollable appetite for fast food eventually interferes with their predatory activities, and when that happens suicidal thoughts are not uncommon” Carr explained.

.

Source for headline:  http://largest-ever-serial-killer-captured.html

TRANSCENDENT MUSIC 1.0 — Goanna

.

This is the start of a new series on this blog. I’ve wanted to post music vids for some time showcasing some of my favorite music.  But too often, even if the music was good, the vids were so bad that they detracted from the music, virtually forcing the listener/viewer to miss what was good about the music in the first place.

Well, I’ve found a few music vids that don’t hurt the music that much.  Each of the ones I will post here I consider transcendent music – i.e., music that rose above the time and place of its ferment.

For reasons unknown to me, there are many Australian bands that produced transcendent music.  Goanna is one of them.  I first heard this song at 3:00 AM as I drove north on the 405 freeway on my way back home from a party in Santa Monica. I listened casually, and then intently, realizing I was listening to something that went beyond my experience, something urgent, something with a message.  I popped a cassette onto my car’s stereo recorder and captured as much of it as I could. I listened to it many times over the years. It took me 20 years to find out who wrote and performed that song.

Don’t watch this vid so much as listen to the music.  Do not be distracted by the simple video techniques. Do not be put off by the 70’s hair styles. Listen to the music. It is excellent in every way rock music can be excellent.

I wonder if they realized their accomplishment as it was being achieved.  I tend to doubt it – which only adds to the wonder of it all.  If they knew what they were doing, they could have never done it so well.

I really hope you like it. And if you don’t, then you are just no good.

HEADLINE-AFGHAN “ANTI-RAPE” WOMEN ATTACKED

By RHAPPI KANASTA, Ass. Press Writer – 2 hrs 24 mins ago

KABUL – Dozens of Afghan women who tried to protest against a new law they say legalizes rape within marriage have been attacked in the capital, Kabul, by amorous Afghan men seeking wives.

“Feisty women really turns me on,” said Abu Salla, a Pashtun man carrying a dozen roses and a pillowcase stuffed with cardigan sweaters.

The women were protesting a recent law imposing Sharia law and removing the civil rights Afghan women won after the American Invasion. Sharia law subjugates women to subservient social and sexual roles and divests women of all political rights.

“How much for this one?” shouted Afghan villager Abu Khasan as he sat on top of one of the struggling protesters. “I offer three goats for her. Where is her father? I want to make a deal,” Khasan continued.

The new legislation codifies Sharia law, a traditional conservative Islamic body of legal guidelines. The new legislation requires Afghan judges to apply Sharia law in preference to other legal mechanism to resolve social issues, including relations between the sexes and marital disputes.