Archive for the Frankenstein Category

HEADLINE – Obama ate a dog

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Dogs, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Grim Fairy Tales, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann Crazy, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Politics, pork, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار on April 18, 2012 by paulboylan

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 I take full responsibility and credit for this rumor./ 

 

UPDATE:

That dog had it coming, man.

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PUTIN ON THE RITZ

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Celebrity, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, пицца, Fashion Forward, Frankenstein, Geopolitical Insults, greannmhar, Horrible Coincidences, Internet Fun!, 재미, αστείος, lächerlich, neşeli, смешной, photograph, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Putin on the Ritz, rimshot wav download, Russia, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on February 18, 2012 by paulboylan

I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help myself.

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click on image to activate GIF

Headline – Newt Gingrich surges

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Cowboys and Aliens, Crazy People, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, Geopolitical Insults, Get a job, greannmhar, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, health care, Hubris, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, Money and Power, Monsters, Mordor, News, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Orcs, Paying Attention, People who suffer from abject pretension, Politics, Pop Culture, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Saron, Small Town America, snaaks, Stupid People, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار on January 21, 2012 by paulboylan

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I certainly hope he cleans up after himself.

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A Grim Fairy Tale – THE HANDSOME MONSTER

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Barry Goldwater, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, космическая девушка, Evil Smiley Face, Frankenstein, Grim Fairy Tales, health care, Hubris, Isnt nature wonderful?, ανόητο άτομα, Kim Kardashian, Mad Scientists, Monsters, Nichola Tesla, ученые, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, urinary tract infections, What are you sick or something?, zombies, טילים, الجامعة العربية on December 17, 2011 by paulboylan

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?

Once upon a time, there was a handsome monster.  But he wasn’t born handsome.

He wasn’t born at all.   He was made.  A brilliant young scientist with a fetish for reanimating dead tissue made the monster from bits and pieces of dead people.

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An early attempt.

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 The young scientist did it in a laboratory he built in an abandoned castle in the middle of nowhere.

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He chose the abandoned castle for four reasons. First, the price was right.  The place where the castle was built was experiencing a deep economic depression.

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Years before, the local real estate market was red hot.  People bought castles and then resold them at a profit, over and over again.

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But when this bubble burst, it drove property values lower and lower until, by the time the young scientist was looking for a place to do his experiments, he could buy a castle for next to nothing and, if it was a “fixer-upper” he could buy it for even less.

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"It only needs a little work."

The second reason the young scientist bought the castle was because it was isolated and provided him with privacy.   The young scientist wanted to keep his experiments secret because, at that time, the reanimation of dead tissue upset stupid people much like stem cell research upsets stupid people today.

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Is also afraid of frozen food (not mentioned in the Bible).

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 The third reason the young scientist wanted to experiment with dead tissue in secret was because he found the creation of life distinctly enthralling, and people with socially unacceptable desires prefer privacy when there is any chance their socially unacceptable desires might manifest.

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The obvious benefits of privacy.

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 The fourth reason the young scientist chose that particular location to perform his viscerally unsettling experiments was because the economic conditions that depressed the local real estate market also impoverished a nearby village.  The young scientist was from a wealthy family, and, as a member of the 1%, he knew that poor people embodied four virtues that would advance his interests – poor people lack curiosity, they keep to themselves, they overlook the eccentricities of the rich, and they die in large numbers.

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Poor people are buried on their sides to save space.

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 So the young scientist built his laboratory high inside a castle in the middle of nowhere near a poor village with a busy graveyard.  He built a man, stitched together from bits and pieces of dead people he “borrowed” from the village graveyard and, in time, his experiments bore strange fruit.

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“It’s alive! Alive!!!” the young scientist shouted, filled with a love that dare not speak its name.

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But, as quickly as the thrill coursed through his body, it vanished just as quickly when the young scientist realized that the man he made was incredibly ugly.

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It was a gross miscalculation. Even worse, the young scientist overestimated poverty’s effect on the local populace. They found out about his monster, but they did not shrug it off due to lethargy or indifference.

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The villagers didn’t look the other way as they would have overlooked the excesses of other wealthy people acting badly, such as flamboyant homosexuals, or those who abuse their domestic servants, or those who use political influence to manipulate economic policy to their further enrichment at the poor’s expense and enhanced demise.

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Reanimating dead bodies scavenged from the local cemetery was just too much to overlook and, in response, the local populace organized into a large mob, armed with torches and pitchforks, bent on killing the young scientist and destroying his unholy monster.

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They killed the young scientist, but the monster got away. He wandered  alone, afraid, and friendless.

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Then one day, deep in the forest, the monster stumbled upon a little cabin where lived an old, kindly plastic surgeon (the cabin was a  vacation home).  The old man took the monster in and offered to inject some collagen into his lips.

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At first, the monster refused.

“Needles, bad,” the Monster said. 

But, in time, he learned to trust the old man, signed some consent forms, and submitted to the procedure.

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The result was nothing less than spectacular.  Rounder, fuller lips transformed the monster from ugly into handsome.

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And, in the twinkling of an eye, the monster’s fortunes changed. 

He found an agent.

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He made a sex tape that was “accidentally” released to the internet.

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He was recruited for a new reality television show The Real Monsters of the Enchanted Forest.

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His sudden fits of anger and violence were especially popular with the audience.

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He was a frequent guest on late night chat shows, with interchanges similar to the following:

LENO

I’m told you don’t like fire.

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MONSTER

Fire, bad!

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LENO

I’m also told that you are being considered to play Joey in a remake of the poplar television show Friends.

MONSTER

Friends, good…

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But some things are just not meant to be.  One day when the monster was on tour promoting his new celebrity fragrance Menacing, he was killed by a mob of blind peasants

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(who lost their sight due to malnutrition and lack of basic health care) – which is a powerful sermon on the fragility of modern celebrity.

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: BARAK OBAMA

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Crazy People, Dogs, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, It's not what you think, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Mad Men, Michele Bachmann, News, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Matrix, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار on July 28, 2009 by paulboylan

Barak Obama

[In this frankly fictitious interview, President Barak Obama agrees to sit down with People of Earth and discussed rumors spread by his political opponents in an attempt to demonize him.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Mr. President, may I call you “Barak?”

PRESIDENT BARAK OBAMA:  Sure. It’s great to be here.

POE:  After this interview, can I refer to you as “one of my peeps?”

OBAMA:  [Laughs] Why not?

POE: Great. Thanks. Mr. President – Barak – as you know, I write a blog that is read by at least five people, and some of them have  concerns about both you and your presidency.

OBAMA:  I am happy to answer any questions your readers have.

POE: Let’s start with the claim that you are a socialist.

OBAMA:  I suppose I am a socialist.

POE:  You’re admitting it just like that?

OBAMA:  [Smiling] yes, just like that.

POE:  Okay, what about the persistent rumor that you were born in Kenya?

OBAMA:  That’s true.  I was born in Kenya. My Hawaii birth certificate is a fake.


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POE:  Doesn’t that disqualify you for the presidency?

OBAMA:  I suppose so.  Next question.

POE:  Um [ shuffling of paper]… there is a persistent rumor that you are a Muslim. Is that true?

OBAMA:  It sure is, Paul. Allah akbar, death to America, and all that.

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POE:  One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – believes you are the Anti-Christ.


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POE:  That is absolutely true, Paul. First of all, if you read your Bible you will see that I fit the description of the Anti-Christ.

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POE:  If you are a Muslim, what are you doing reading the Bible?

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OBAMA:  [Good natured laughter.] Okay, you got me there, Paul.  I haven’t actually read the Bible, but I have seen all of the television specials.

POE:  Aren’t you worried about admitting all this stuff?

OBAMA:  Nope. Not a bit.

POE:  Why not?

OBAMA:  Because the people spreading these rumors are crazy.  I should point out they are kooks.  If I am not mistaken, they are a brick short of a load.  A combination plate short of a taco.  A few clowns short of a circus. They have a screw loose.

POE:  Mr. President –

OBAMA:  In fact, in some cases, they are a couple of cards short of a full deck. They are two fries short of a happy meal.  A few trucks short of a convoy.  Five cans sort of a six pack.

POE:  What about –

OBAMA:  These people are nuttier than a fruitcake. For example, the lights are on but nobody is home. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead. They are knitting with only one needle. They are not firing on all cylinders. They are driving on only three wheels.

POE:  Maybe we should -

OBAMA:  Look, these are the same people who believe the moon landing was faked and that there is a secret world government using black helicopters to spy on people. My accusers are ten pounds of crazy in a five pound bag, which means no one is going to believe them – even though this time they are right.  For example, this happened at a town hall meeting held by a town hall meeting held by a prominent Republican congresman:

POE:  That really happened? It wasn’t staged by an internet video comedy group?

OBAMA:  It really happened.

POE:  That lady sounded crazy.

OBAMA:  They all sound, look, smell, walk, talk and breath crazy. No one – and I mean no one – is going to believe them.  Here is another example. Do you know who Alan Keyes is?

POE:  The crazy black guy who ran against you for senator of Illinois and keeps running for president?

OBAMA:  That’s the one.  He hired an attorney from California to file lawsuits to get me removed from the presidency because I am foreign born.  Here is Keys and his attorney appearing on CNN.  Please keep in mind this next video was posted on Youtube by people who want to prove I was born in Kenya:


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POE:  Keys didn’t sound all that bad.

OBAMA:  Granted. But did you see his attorney?  Her eyes move around independently like some kind of lizard.

OBAMA: The vid edited out all the times she interrupted everyone else. Her name is Orly Taitz and, as the screens hows, she is a dentist, a real estate agent – and she got her law degree from the – get this – William Howard Taft University in Santa Anna, California, and was admitted to practice law in 2002.  So she’s been a practicing attorney for about seven years.  According to http://www.obamaconspiracy.org/2009/01/dr-orly-taitz/ she is calling for the the United States military to rise up against me and form a new government:

“Obama “truth” squad and people like Secretary of State of Ohio Jennifer Brunner and all the others that have been collaborating with this Gestapo-SS establishment, they all should and would be tried in Nurenberg style trials for harassing, intimidating, blackmailing and terrorizing fellow citizens, for defrauding the whole country. Patriots of this country didn’t fight and defeat Nazi Germany to end up with Obamas, McCuskill, Soros, Brunner and the rest of this squad. I hope that the men in this country, particularly in our military will finally revolt against this travesty of Justice. If our government and our elected officials and our judiciary have failed us, then it is time for the new government, new elected officials and a new judiciary.”

POE:  Mr. President, I admit she seems a bit – unusual – but I don’t see what you are getting at.

OBAMA:  My point is – is  this the best Keyes can do?  I am sure Ms. Taitz is a fine dentist and real estate agent, but she has only been practicing law a few years and, she looks and sounds like she is – let me put it this way: these people could point up and yell “the sky is blue!’ and no one would believe them.  So they want to call me a socialist or a communist or the anti-christ?  Be my guest.  The people trying to prove I wasn’t born here couldn’t have chosen a worse spokesperson to represent them.

POE:  Maybe it wasn’t a mistake.

OBAMA:  Okay, I’m listening.

POE:  Maybe Keyes intentionally chose her because -

OBAMA:  [Encouraging] yes?

POE:  – because you and Keyes are really working together!

OBAMA: [Smiling and nodding] At this juncture I can neither confirm nor deny that rumor.


Coconspirators? The rumors are flying.

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POE:  But it makes sense and explains so much!  Both you and Keys are black. Both of you are from Illinois. Both of you enjoy pasta puttanesca.

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OBAMA:  We also are both Freemasons.

POE:  Really?

OBAMA:  [Laughing]  No, not really.

POE:  Are there any rumors out there that bother you?

OBAMA:  Well, there is a persistent rumor that I eat puppies.


POE:  They accuse me of eating puppies, too!


"It was this big. But it got away."
“It was this big. But it got away.”

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OBAMA:  In my case, though, the rumor is true. I do eat puppies.


So?
So?

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POE:  So do I!


Lunch
Lunch

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OBAMA:  No kidding. I appreciate that.  Okay, in your option, what is the best part?

POE:  The front paws, of course. Deep fried.


I know this little place in Manilla.
I know this little place in Manilla.

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OBAMA:  I prefer the tongue.


POE:  Not me. Too chewy.

OBAMA:  Not if you cook it right.


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POE:  Well, that’s about all the time we have. I would like to thank Barak Obama – puppy eating, socialist, foreign born muslim anti-christ – for speaking with us today.

OBAMA: Hey, Paul, how about lunch?

POE:  Sure, why not?


God help us.

God help us.

TIME FOR A PEASANT UPRISING

Posted in 3D, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, Fire and Ice, Frankenstein, Getting it Right, Globalization, Hate Crimes, Headlines, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Men, News, Op Ed, Paying Attention, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV with tags on December 23, 2008 by paulboylan


As all of you who visit here regularly know, I believe there is no more powerful force for good in the whole universe than unbridled rage. It was rage against the darkness and cold that lead to the invention of fire.  It was anger over taxation without representation that fermented the First American Revolution.  Star Trek was saved from cancellation and by angry fans. True, they could be angry only until 10:00 PM, when their mothers made them turn off the basement light and go to sleep, but it was their righteous, dorky anger that saved the show and made it into the billion dollar franchise it is today.


star-trek-dorks

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My friends, its time to get angry again, and I am not kidding. It is time to get the pitchforks out, light the torches, and drive the monster into the burning windmill. It is time to rise up and let the bastards know they can’t get away with it again.

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The bastards I reference are those bloated, seven-home owning, corporate jet flying a-holes who run the American banks that recently came to congress with cups in their hands asking for money to save them from financial ruin.


Please capitalize our profits, but socialize our debts.

Frankenstein, Wolfman, Dracula and Dr. X begging for another chance.

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And they got the money they asked for – hundreds of billions of dollars of taxpayer money.  Joe Six Pack who lost his job and was kicked out of his home because he can’t pay his ever-expanding mortgage didn’t get a nickel.  But the hugely rich slobs walked into an avalanche of money – and took it all.

I'm doing this for the good of the nation.

I'm doing this for the good of the nation.

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Please remember why they asked for all that money.  They wanted the money to cover up their really, really bad business decisions prompted by greed so powerful that it blinded them to the common sense a cockroach has.

"Students, never, ever do this."

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And here is the beauty part: they told congress that the scope and depth of their failure was SO big that, if they went under, they would take all of us with them.  They argued that they needed to be bailed out because, if they went out of business, billions around the world would be homeless and unemployed, food riots would spread across the world, and the global economy would collapse.


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In other words, their mistakes brought the whole world to the brink of utter disaster. Their greed did what international terror; global warming and the Ebola virus didn’t and couldn’t do. Their burning desires to get filthy rich risked destroying the world.

Do you blame the American Congress for shoving money at them?  I sure don’t.  Hell, everyone was terrified, and most still are. I’m stockpiling peppercorns and other spices because I am afraid the international distribution system is going to collapse making the price of anything imported too expensive to buy.

vietnamese black pepper

vietnamese black pepper

So we did what Americans do in a crisis: we threw money at it – lots and lots of money, more money than we have thrown at any problem since the founding of our nation.  And those who knowingly manufactured the problem took the money and went away.


I'm doing this for the good of the nation.

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Well, now they’ve spent it, primary on bonuses paid to themselves, and they have their hands out for more.


277_cartoon_bank_bailout_hurwitt_small_over


None of this makes me angry.  Not a bit. What makes me angry is that those same banks refuse to tell anybody how they have spent and are spending the money.

I am not kidding. The Associated Press – which I consider the watchdog for the People – contacted 21 banks that received at least one billion dollars each, and asked four simple questions:

How much has been spent?

    What was it spent on?

    How much is being held back for the bank’s own reserves?

    What’s the plan for the rest?

When I read these questions I thought “very reasonable.”  At the bare minimum I want to know the answers to these exact questions.  They were given my money. They were given your money.  We should know how much they’ve spent, what they spent it on, now much they haven’t spend and what they plan for it.

Well, guess what? They won’t tell us.

No kidding.  These banks – who came to congress hats in hand predicting doomsday if they didn’t get cash fast – won’t tell anyone how what they’ve done or are doing or plan on doing with the money.  What they are basically asking us to do is trust them with our money.


check's in the mail, and I promise not to c

check's in the mail, and I promise not to c


Are they out of their cholesterol-choked brains?  We trusted them before and they blew it big time.  We de-regulated them and trusted them to do what was good and right and they abused our trust by doing what was good for them in the short term and disastrous for us in the long term


You will never get a complimentary copy. Ever.

You will never get a complimentary copy. Ever.

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And now they want what they are doing with or money kept secret – just like before – while they do what they did before.

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another-foreclosed-home

This is how they want to walk their dogs. All it takes is money.

This is how they want to walk their dogs. All it takes is money.


And that is what makes me angry.  And it should make you angry, too. They are acting like nothing has changed. But it has changed. When we gave them our money to bail them out from their own mistakes, it wasn’t a loan – it was a purchase.  We OWN them now.  They work for us now.

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real-angry

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When we bailed the financial system out, we nationalized that industry. Don’t mumble about the evils of socialism. It is too late for that.  The government now owns those banks, and the government is us. All of us.

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82030757AR008_BARACK_OBAMA_


So it is time for a little accountability. It is time those fat cats learned who is now boss.  They better damn well answer those four questions, and if they don’t, it is time for the peasants to revolt. It is time to chase a few of them with pitchforks and torches.


"Where are the bastards that did this to us?"
“Where are the bastards that did this to us?”

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For better or worse, it is our world now.  We bought it by bailing out the banks that previously owned it.  Let’s not let them screw us again. It is high time for some answers to some straightforward questions.

You can only push the peasants so far before they take matters into their own hands.

You can only push the peasants so far before they take matters into their own hands.

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