Archive for the Hapax Legomenon Category
First of all, how is the weather? Good I hope? Global climate change is going to be really good for you. As the U.S. heartland transforms into a vast desert, the wheat growing regions are moving north into Canada, making you into the bread basket of the world (like we used to be). And don’t even get me started on how much money you are going to make when the Arctic Ocean ice cap melts, opening up direct shipping from Canada to Asia, not to mention the resources of the Arctic you will be well-positioned to exploit, like easy to get offshore oil and natural gas (you lucky stiffs!). I hear you already have plans to sell that oil to China, transporting it cheaply across the Arctic Ocean to Russia and then via pipeline or train to China. Hot damn (no pun intended)!
And how is your population? Growing? Healthy? Life expectancy better than your neighbors to the south? Great. Really good.
I’m writing to apologize, in advance, for the mob of stupid people who are headed your way from the United States. Here is what happened: the United States Supreme Court has upheld President Obama’s attempt to create a national health care system like you have, like Europe has, and like the rest of the civilized world has.
This has upset a lot of really stupid people. They don’t want improved health care. In response to the Supreme Court’s decision, this group of really stupid people have vowed to leave the United States and emigrate to Canada.
No. Seriously. Seriously. I’m not kidding. I know I am a kidder, and we’ve shares some really good jokes, but this time I’m not joking. Look, here are some tweets from some of the stupid people headed your way:
Yes, I know how funny that is. Yes, I know that Canada has a national health care system. But I told you these are stupid people. And they are on their way north to you.
THANK YOU, CANADA!
Thank you for taking our idiots.
Consider it payback for Celine Dion, curling and that joke you call bacon.
Even though they are idiots, I think they are in for a big shock.
MUNCIE, Indiana – A man famous for sporting a 100 pound scrotum (45.45 kg) has announced that he will be seeking donations for a wide-variety of charities all related to his environmental concerns.
“I care deeply about the earth on which we all live,” said Henry Spliff from his home in Reno, Nevada. “It is up to us to leave our planet in better shape than we found it.”
Friends of the Earth and the World Wildlife Fund welcome Mr. Spliff’s efforts on their behalf.
As you know, I just returned from a two week trip to Australia.
While there, someone provide me with a freshly baked bread roll.
I asked what it was in it and was told “cheese and Vegemite.”
The roll was delicious.
Last night I brought the subject up while chatting with my wife, sort of suggesting that maybe she could make me some.
In response, my wife fixed me with a cold, piercing stare.
She said (and I quote):
“This is what those people do: they take you somewhere, they cloud your mind – like the Shadow – they feed you Vegemite, and you think you love it.”
So I guess I ain’t gonna get any more until I visit again.
TOKYO - Mitsuyuki Ikeda, a researcher from the Okayama Laboratory, has developed steaks based on proteins from human excrement.
“The process is very complex and expensive,” Ikeda explained. “The result is definitely edible. The problem is that it tastes like shit.”
“That tsunami really messed those people up,” said Evan Boylan, a student at Illinois State University, upon learned of the Japanese excrement-to-meat scientific breakthrough.
“That’s worse than f**king Soylent Green,” Boylan added.
SANTIAGO, Chile — Chilean officials urged residents already evacuated from homes near an erupting volcano to stay in shelters and with family and friends.
“We are not ordering you to do anything,” Chilean vulcanologist Hugo Moreno said to a crowd of refuges. “We are merely urging you to stay away.”
About 4,000 Chileans have been evacuated since the Cordon Caulle volcano began erupting June 4.
Chilean officials wanted to make it clear that they are advising residents only. “For example,” Moreno continued, “let’s say that I tell you that a river of lava is on its way to totally destroy your village, if I were to tell you that, and I am not, then I would only be doing so as a courtesy and I would not be ordering you to stay away. You may decide to go there and check it out for yourself. If you are that kind of person, then that’s perfectly fine.”
Chile has more than 3,000 volcanoes along its Andean spine, and 500 of these are considered geologically active. About 60 Of these have erupted in the past 450 years.
“But I do urge you to stay away,” Moreno added. “But that’s not an order. It is just a suggestion that I very strongly make, that you stay away. But don’t stay away if you don’t want to. It’s totally your choice,” Moreno concluded.
The Cordon Caulle is located 620 miles (1,000 kilometers) south of the Chilean capital, Santiago.
MUNCIE – Files recovered from Osama bil Laden’s personal computer reveal that the world’s most wanted man spent most of his days making intimate videos.
“Apparently, bin Laden considered himself the equivalent of a rock or movie star,” said Assistant US Secretary of State Vince Portho. “The homemade videos that will be released can only be described as bin Laden’s sex tapes.”
Celebrities often memorialize their erotic exploits through “sex tapes” that eventually are leaked to the media. Rob Lowe, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Colin Farrell, Pamela Anderson and figure skating sensation Tonya Harding are examples of celebrities that made private sex tapes.
Portho was quick to temper public expectations about bin Laden’s sex tapes. “Please understand that bin Laden was a very conservative muslim. Consequently, the tapes won’t be all that exciting by Western standards,” Portho cautioned.
“The videos mainly depict bin Laden sitting in the same room with fully clothed women, covered from head to toe in full niqab burkas. Neither bin Laden nor the women do anything other than just sit there, with the exception of bin Laden occasionally looking over at the women on the other side of the room, then looking back into the camera and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively,” Portho said.
Included in bin Laden’s video stash investigators also found thousands of photos bin Laden took himself.