Archive for the Headlines Category

HEADLINE: RANDOM SHOOTINGS DON’T BOTHER KANSAS CITY DRIVERS

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Headline, Headlines, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Kansas City, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, скарлетт йоханссон, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, rimshot wav download, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة on April 12, 2014 by paulboylan

Kansas City Drivers

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (Ass. Press) – Several shootings have targeted apparently random vehicles along a tangle of interstate highways in south Kansas City, but it doesn’t seem to have rattled area drivers, who say they’ll stick with their normal routes.

“I live in Kansas City,” said Steven Murphy, a local commuter. “Getting shot at might be the best thing that happens to me all day.”

“Heck, I invite being targeted by a sniper,” said Linda Kromthip, another Kansas City resident driver. “I have a bumper sticker that says ‘I Hate Violent Blacks and Jews.’ I know it is a long shot, but who knows? I might get lucky.”

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WHAT IS THE ONE THING WORSE THAN A RACIST?

Posted in American Decline, Bigotry in America, Crazy People, Dogs, Early-onset dementia, GOP, Headline, Headlines, News, Occupy Mordor, Politics, Stupid People, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA! on February 22, 2014 by paulboylan

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A stupid racist.

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Dallas News

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tednugent copy

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HEADLINE – OFFICIALS CEASE WHALE RESCUE EFFORT

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Food, Headline, Headlines, News, Newt Gingrich, Our animal friends, snaaks on December 9, 2013 by paulboylan

Image

TAMPA, Florida –  Florida state officials have officially stopped their efforts to rescue ten pilot whales stranded in the Florida Everglades.

“Screw those whales,” said Cooter Babcock, appointed as Head Whale Rescuer by the State of Florida.

“I hate whales,” Babcock admitted.  You can’t hunt ‘em. You can’t eat ‘em. And you can’t claim you killed ‘em because they made you afraid for your life.  No jury would believe that. Not even in Florida,” Babcock concluded.

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Not a whale.
Not a whale.

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HEADLINE – CLEAR DEFINITION FOR “HABITABLE PLANET” URGED

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Astronomy, bilim adamları, buffo, dada, космическая девушка, Food, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, ученые, Research and Development, Science, Science Fiction, snaaks, Space, Stupid News, Travel, بشار الاسد on November 26, 2013 by paulboylan

Never gonna go there

MUNCIE, Indiana – Experts have issued a call for scientists to establish a clear definition of “habitable planets” to make the search easier. They recommend researchers to take a conservative approach when looking for these planets.

“We want to clearly define what we are wasting our time looking for,” said one of the experts referenced above.

In related news,/after 10 years and at a cost of six million dollars, NASA scientists have finally completed the menu that will regulate what astronauts eat during a space voyage from earth to Mars that will never happen.

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HEADLINE – SLAVERY SUSPECTS ORIGINALLY FROM INDIA AND TANZANIA

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Crime and Punishment, Europe, Fashion Forward, Globalization, Headline, Headlines, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on November 23, 2013 by paulboylan

A cultural misunderstanding

MUNCIE, Indiana – Officials at Scotland Yard revealed that the two men who allegedly “enslaved” three women were from India and Tanzania and that the incident is the result of a cultural misunderstanding.

“They thought they had legally purchased these women,” explained Sgt. Nigel Himpple of Scotland Yard.

“We were cheated. We want our money back.” said one of the suspects identified currently as “Bruce” due to privacy considerations. “How were we to know women cannot be bought and sold freely? What kind of madhouse is this, where women are treated like men?  Do you also give rights to your goats? Do you let them vote? Do you actually pay them for their labor?” Bruce asked in disgust.

“It is very common in many parts of the world for men to acquire women through marriage or direct purchase – there really is very little difference – and put them to work,” said Professor Rhappee Kanasta, an expert in cultural differences.  “In exchange for their honest labor they are clothed, fed and they are not beaten.  It is a win-win arrangement.”

 

Win-win copy

HEADLINE – TONY BENNETT RESIGNS

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Fair Use, Headline, Headlines, News, Politics, rimshot wav download, The Wilhelm Scream on August 2, 2013 by paulboylan

Bennett Resigns

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RON BURGUNDY LIVES

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, космическая девушка, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, gülen yüz, Geopolitical Insults, Getting it Right, Headline, Headlines, Internet Fun!, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, snaaks, Stupid News, Television, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on July 13, 2013 by paulboylan

Idiot News Reader

Unbelievable. Watch the Youtube vid below to see a television newscaster report on this breaking story:

Click here/to learn how and why it happened.

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