KANSAS CITY, Mo. (Ass. Press) – Several shootings have targeted apparently random vehicles along a tangle of interstate highways in south Kansas City, but it doesn’t seem to have rattled area drivers, who say they’ll stick with their normal routes.
“I live in Kansas City,” said Steven Murphy, a local commuter. “Getting shot at might be the best thing that happens to me all day.”
“Heck, I invite being targeted by a sniper,” said Linda Kromthip, another Kansas City resident driver. “I have a bumper sticker that says ‘I Hate Violent Blacks and Jews.’ I know it is a long shot, but who knows? I might get lucky.”
TAMPA, Florida – Florida state officials have officially stopped their efforts to rescue ten pilot whales stranded in the Florida Everglades.
“Screw those whales,” said Cooter Babcock, appointed as Head Whale Rescuer by the State of Florida.
“I hate whales,” Babcock admitted. You can’t hunt ‘em. You can’t eat ‘em. And you can’t claim you killed ‘em because they made you afraid for your life. No jury would believe that. Not even in Florida,” Babcock concluded.