Archive for the Humor Category
MUNCIE, Indiana – Actress Scarlett Johansson is finally opening up about her divorce from Ryan Reynolds, which was finalized this past June.
In a candid interview with German magazine GALA, the usually tight-lipped star revealed what caused her marriage’s demise. “I can be overcritical. And I don’t compromise,” she said. “I pass judgment on people quite quickly. If I don’t agree with someone or if I’m annoyed I will tell people to their face — no matter how hurtful that might be.”
“In other words, Ryan left her because she is a total bitch,” an anonymous source summarized.
Ryan Reynolds had no comment. Friends say he is in seclusion and receiving counseling from Fisher Stevens.
TOKYO — Just over a week after he took office, Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda of Japan suffered his first political setback on Saturday when the new minister of trade and industry resigned after a joke about radiation caused a public uproar.
The industry minister, Yoshio Hachiro, stepped down after apologies failed to quell calls for his resignation within his own governing Democratic Party. The party appeared to be moving quickly to control damage to Mr. Noda’s government.
“The government is not responsible for Mr. Hachiro’s general poor performance, including his incomplete set up and lack of comic timing,” Mr. Noda said Saturday.
“They should have known what to expect when the press conference announcement said there was a two drink minimum,” said Shecky Watanabe, Japanese Minister for Economic Development, followed by a rimshotv from his drummer.
WASHINGTON—As Osama bin Laden watched his terrorist organization get picked apart, he lamented in his final writings that Al Qaeda was suffering from a marketing problem. He proposed Al Qaeda get a fresh start with a new name.
“The Crusader war against us has caused our name to lose its positive, favorable impression with the public,” Bin Laden wrote sometime in 2010. “We need a new, friendlier image,” Bin Laden concluded.
Bin Laden went on to make suggestions for a new name, including “Pal Qaeda,” “Jihad Is Us” and “Wahabi Wally’s Freedom Emporium.” Al Qaeda in Iraq (AQR) lobbied hard to change their name to “Starbucks” or “Target” but Bin Laden warned his followers against choosing a name “that will only serve to draw us into protracted and expensive litigation, not to mention one that will cause great consumer confusion.”
Al Queda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) suggested “The Ass Bomb Group” but Bin Laden chided AQAP and warned them not to choose a name that limited Al Qaeda’s operational parameters.
“I know how much you guys like to hide bombs in the rectums of idiot converts,” Bin Laden wrote,
“…but a joke – even one that is rich with dramatic irony – should not create the framework within which we operate. If we called ourselves the Ass Bomb Group, that name choice would create a momentum to only use ass bombs to sow fear among the opponents of God. As funny as that would be, humor should not limit our operational options.”
Bin Laden wrote one final letter instructing his followers to hire “some New York public relations firm” to help Al Qaeda come up with a catchy new name, a PR firm “preferably with a lot of Jews. Jews are so good at that kind of thing. The Irish, not so much,” Bin Laden stated.
The letter, which was undated, was discovered among bin Laden’s recent writings. Navy SEALs stormed his compound and killed him before any name change could be made.
SANTIAGO, Chile — Chilean officials urged residents already evacuated from homes near an erupting volcano to stay in shelters and with family and friends.
“We are not ordering you to do anything,” Chilean vulcanologist Hugo Moreno said to a crowd of refuges. “We are merely urging you to stay away.”
About 4,000 Chileans have been evacuated since the Cordon Caulle volcano began erupting June 4.
Chilean officials wanted to make it clear that they are advising residents only. “For example,” Moreno continued, “let’s say that I tell you that a river of lava is on its way to totally destroy your village, if I were to tell you that, and I am not, then I would only be doing so as a courtesy and I would not be ordering you to stay away. You may decide to go there and check it out for yourself. If you are that kind of person, then that’s perfectly fine.”
Chile has more than 3,000 volcanoes along its Andean spine, and 500 of these are considered geologically active. About 60 Of these have erupted in the past 450 years.
“But I do urge you to stay away,” Moreno added. “But that’s not an order. It is just a suggestion that I very strongly make, that you stay away. But don’t stay away if you don’t want to. It’s totally your choice,” Moreno concluded.
The Cordon Caulle is located 620 miles (1,000 kilometers) south of the Chilean capital, Santiago.
OSLO – In an unusually stinging speech, made on his valedictory visit to Europe before he retires at the end of the month, Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates rebuked some of America’s staunchest allies Friday, saying the United States “is sick and tired of all you cheese eating, beer swilling, butt pinching surrender monkeys.”
“It’s been real and it’s been fun,” Gates continued, “but it hasn’t been real fun. I personally am not going to miss any of you, especially the Germans. What is up with you Germans, cozying up to the Russians? You think you can trust them? Really?”
Gates heaped insults upon the stunned and mostly silent foreign dignitaries in the room – and he didn’t stop with Europe.
“And you Muslims, especially you Arab Muslims, snap out of it. This whole jihad thing is just sad. Do what you need to do to put a stop to it. Those few homicidal morons are making all of you look bad. And your “Arab Spring” is a joke. You can yell and scream all you want but it isn’t going to change anything. When push comes to shove, your dictatorial governments will crush you like bugs just as Syria has done and is doing.”
“And Africa,” Gates said. “I am so tired of you people. Why can’t you just get along?”
“Screw you guys, I’m going home,” Gates concluded and abruptly left the building.
ISLAMABAD - A prominent Arab recluse was killed during what appears to be a “home invasion” style robbery.
Witnesses say that a notorious gang that calls itself the SEALs forced their way into the elderly man’s Abbottabad vacation home, killed the home owner and some of his house guests and then ran off with the old man’s computers and extensive collection of personal videos documenting his quite home life.
The SEALs are lead by a Kenyan born warlord rumored to be ruthless and tricky.
Pakistani law enforcement officials are investigating.
MUNCIE – Files recovered from Osama bil Laden’s personal computer reveal that the world’s most wanted man spent most of his days making intimate videos.
“Apparently, bin Laden considered himself the equivalent of a rock or movie star,” said Assistant US Secretary of State Vince Portho. “The homemade videos that will be released can only be described as bin Laden’s sex tapes.”
Celebrities often memorialize their erotic exploits through “sex tapes” that eventually are leaked to the media. Rob Lowe, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Colin Farrell, Pamela Anderson and figure skating sensation Tonya Harding are examples of celebrities that made private sex tapes.
Portho was quick to temper public expectations about bin Laden’s sex tapes. “Please understand that bin Laden was a very conservative muslim. Consequently, the tapes won’t be all that exciting by Western standards,” Portho cautioned.
“The videos mainly depict bin Laden sitting in the same room with fully clothed women, covered from head to toe in full niqab burkas. Neither bin Laden nor the women do anything other than just sit there, with the exception of bin Laden occasionally looking over at the women on the other side of the room, then looking back into the camera and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively,” Portho said.
Included in bin Laden’s video stash investigators also found thousands of photos bin Laden took himself.
They are the things adults do on any given day: exercise, drink coffee, breathe, stand up, sit down, blink, urinate, scratch, eat.
They can also be the very things that cause a lurking brain aneurysm to rupture.
Researchers at the Institute for the Promotion of Irrational Fears and Anxieties in the Netherlands asked patients with brain aneurysms what they were doing shortly before those weakened and bulging blood vessels burst.
They found relatively mundane things like drinking soda, blowing one’s nose, exercising, drinking coffee, breathing, standing up, sitting down, blinking, urinating, scratching or eating often preceded the rupture.
“Anything can cause bad things,” explains Dr. Tad Greenblat.
Greenblat recommends minimizing your risk of suffering a brain aneurysm by doing nothing. ” Don’t exercise, don’t drink soda, don’t drink coffee, don’t breathe, don’t stand up, don’t sit down, don’t blink, don’t urinate, don’t scratch and most definitely don’t eat. Eating is very dangerous,” Greenblat said moving as little as possible.
“Avoiding an aneurysm may mean dying of starvation, but at least a blood vessel won’t explode in your head,” Greenblat concluded.