THE SECRET TO MY EXTREMELY SUCCESSFUL AND HAPPY MARRIAGE

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Sex?  Sex is overrated.  Good sex is not the key to a successful and happy marriage.

Don’t get me wrong – sex is great.  Good sex is even better. And it is key.  But, in all honesty, by itself, it isn’t enough. I know plenty of guys great in bed who ended up alone.

The secret to my incredibly successful and happy marriage is the simple fact that, at least once a day, I make my wife laugh.

I don’t even pretend to understand it.  But, for some incredibly fucking mysterious reason, the tides of time and evolution have programmed women to want to be with men who make them laugh.

I think it has something to do with demonstrating that you “care.”  I don’t know what that means. Seriously.  I am, at rock bottom, an average guy. I have no idea what women want or need, especially when it comes to “caring” – which seems so important to women, but is so alien to men.

But, in order to make a woman laugh, you have to really, really, understand her. You have to know exactly those aspects of her personality and psyche that trigger a belly laugh. Preferably an uncontrollable belly laugh.  Yes. That is the best.  When your woman experiences an uncontrollable belly laugh that you engendered it is an amazing event, a magical moment, and it ends with love light shining out of her eyes.

And to be able to do that, a man must truly understand his woman. And, perhaps, that demonstrates the “caring” women seem to crave.

Whatever. Tonight I am waiting for the exactly perfect time, the perfect moment when something I say results in my wife, the love of my life, involuntarily laughing, with – if God is with me – champagne shooting out of her nose.

Verweile doch; du bist so schön. So, so schön.

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HEADLINE – Scarlett Johansson Opens Up about Divorce

MUNCIE, Indiana – Actress Scarlett Johansson is finally opening up about her divorce from Ryan Reynolds, which was finalized this past June.

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In a candid interview with German magazine GALA, the usually tight-lipped star revealed what caused her marriage’s demise. “I can be overcritical. And I don’t compromise,” she said. “I pass judgment on people quite quickly. If I don’t agree with someone or if I’m annoyed I will tell people to their face — no matter how hurtful that might be.”

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“In other words, Ryan left her because she is a total bitch,” an anonymous source summarized.

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Ryan Reynolds had no comment. Friends say he is in seclusion and receiving counseling from Fisher Stevens.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/14/scarlett-johansson-divorce_n_1011485.html

HEADLINE – Japanese Official Resigns Over Radiation Joke

"Hey, it's great to be here."

TOKYO — Just over a week after he took office, Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda of Japan suffered his first political setback on Saturday when the new minister of trade and industry resigned after a joke about radiation caused a public uproar.

The industry minister, Yoshio Hachiro, stepped down after apologies failed to quell calls for his resignation within his own governing Democratic Party. The party appeared to be moving quickly to control damage to Mr. Noda’s government.

“The government is not responsible for Mr. Hachiro’s general poor performance, including his incomplete set up and lack of comic timing,” Mr. Noda said Saturday.

“They should have known what to expect when the press conference announcement said there was a two drink minimum,” said Shecky Watanabe, Japanese Minister for Economic Development, followed by a rimshotv from his drummer.

BECAUSE YOU INSISTED

CHICKS WITH DICKS

Jess McCann with Richard Branson

KC Concepcion with Richard Gutierrez

Dick and Liz Cheney

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HEADLINE – Bin Laden sought name change, rebranding for Al Qaeda

The new, smiling, friendly face of international terror.

WASHINGTON—As Osama bin Laden watched his terrorist organization get picked apart, he lamented in his final writings that Al Qaeda was suffering from a marketing problem. He proposed Al Qaeda get a fresh start with a new name.

A friendlier image.

“The Crusader war against us has caused our name to lose its positive, favorable impression with the public,” Bin Laden wrote sometime in 2010. “We need a new, friendlier image,” Bin Laden concluded.

Bin Laden went on to make suggestions for a new name, including “Pal Qaeda,” “Jihad Is Us” and “Wahabi Wally’s Freedom Emporium.”  Al Qaeda in Iraq (AQR) lobbied hard to change their name to “Starbucks” or “Target” but Bin Laden warned his followers against choosing a name “that will only serve to draw us into protracted and expensive litigation, not to mention one that will cause great consumer confusion.”

Some of Starbuck's lawyers.

Al Queda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) suggested “The Ass Bomb Group” but Bin Laden chided AQAP and warned them not to choose a name that limited Al Qaeda’s operational parameters.

“I know how much you guys like to hide bombs in the rectums of idiot converts,” Bin Laden wrote, 

Idiot recruit (they actually convinced him to let them shove a bomb up his poop chute).

“…but a joke – even one that is rich with dramatic irony – should not create the framework within which we operate. If we called ourselves the Ass Bomb Group, that name choice would create a momentum to only use ass bombs to sow fear among the opponents of God.  As funny as that would be, humor should not limit our operational options.”

Bin Laden wrote one final letter instructing his followers to hire “some New York public relations firm” to help Al Qaeda come up with a catchy new name, a PR firm “preferably with a lot of Jews. Jews are so good at that kind of thing.  The Irish, not so much,” Bin Laden stated.

 

a public relations disaster.

The letter, which was undated, was discovered among bin Laden’s recent writings. Navy SEALs stormed his compound and killed him before any name change could be made. 

Federal Express

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Source: bin-laden-sought-name-change-rebranding-for-al-qaeda

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HEADLINE – Chileans living near volcano urged to stay away

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SANTIAGO, Chile — Chilean officials urged residents already evacuated from homes near an erupting volcano to stay in shelters and with family and friends. 

“We are not ordering you to do anything,” Chilean vulcanologist Hugo Moreno said to a crowd of refuges. “We are merely urging you to stay away.”

About 4,000 Chileans have been evacuated since the Cordon Caulle volcano began erupting June 4.

Chilean officials wanted to make it clear that they are advising residents only. “For example,” Moreno continued, “let’s say that I tell you that a river of lava is on its way to totally destroy your village, if I were to tell you that, and I am not, then I would only be doing so as a courtesy and I would not be ordering you to stay away.  You may decide to go there and check it out for yourself. If you are that kind of person, then that’s perfectly fine.” 

Chile has more than 3,000 volcanoes along its Andean spine, and 500 of these are considered geologically active. About 60 Of these have erupted in the past 450 years.

“But I do urge you to stay away,” Moreno added. “But that’s not an order. It is just a suggestion that I very strongly make, that you stay away. But don’t stay away if you don’t want to. It’s totally your choice,” Moreno concluded.

The Cordon Caulle is located 620 miles (1,000 kilometers) south of the Chilean capital, Santiago.

Source: http://article/AL56

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HEADLINE – Gates rebukes European allies in farewell speech

"I hate you most of all," Gates said.

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OSLO – In an unusually stinging speech, made on his valedictory visit to Europe before he retires at the end of the month, Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates rebuked some of America’s staunchest allies Friday, saying the United States “is sick and tired of all you cheese eating, beer swilling, butt pinching surrender monkeys.”

“It’s been real and it’s been fun,” Gates continued, “but it hasn’t been real fun. I personally am not going to miss any of you, especially the Germans. What is up with you Germans, cozying up to the Russians? You think you can trust them? Really?”

Gates heaped insults upon the stunned and mostly silent foreign dignitaries in the room – and he didn’t stop with Europe.

“And you Muslims, especially you Arab Muslims, snap out of it. This whole jihad thing is just sad. Do what you need to do to put a stop to it. Those few homicidal morons are making all of you look bad. And your “Arab Spring” is a joke. You can yell and scream all you want but it isn’t going to change anything. When push comes to shove, your dictatorial governments will crush you like bugs just as Syria has done and is doing.”

“And Africa,” Gates said. “I am so tired of you people.  Why can’t you just get along?”

“Screw you guys, I’m going home,” Gates concluded and abruptly left the building.

Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/story.html

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HEADLINE – Elderly Arab recluse killed in robbery

ISLAMABAD -  A prominent Arab recluse was killed during what appears to be a “home invasion” style robbery.

Witnesses say that a notorious gang that calls itself the SEALs forced their way into the elderly man’s Abbottabad vacation home, killed the home owner and some of his house guests and then ran off with the old man’s computers and extensive collection of personal videos documenting his quite home life.

The SEALs are lead by a Kenyan born warlord rumored to be ruthless and tricky.

Pakistani law enforcement officials are investigating.

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HEADLINE – Osama Bin Laden Home Videos Expected To Be Released

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MUNCIE – Files recovered from Osama bil Laden’s personal computer reveal that the world’s most wanted man spent most of his days making intimate videos.

“Apparently, bin Laden considered himself the equivalent of a rock or movie star,” said Assistant US Secretary of State Vince Portho. “The homemade videos that will be released can only be described as bin Laden’s sex tapes.”

Celebrities often memorialize their erotic exploits through “sex tapes” that eventually are leaked to the media. Rob Lowe, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Colin Farrell, Pamela Anderson and figure skating sensation Tonya Harding are examples of celebrities that made private sex tapes.

Portho was quick to temper public expectations about bin Laden’s sex tapes. “Please understand that bin Laden was a very conservative muslim. Consequently, the tapes won’t be all that exciting by Western standards,” Portho cautioned.

“The videos mainly depict bin Laden sitting in the same room with fully clothed women, covered from head to toe in full niqab burkas. Neither bin Laden nor the women do anything other than just sit there, with the exception of bin Laden occasionally looking over at the women on the other side of the room, then looking back into the camera and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively,” Portho said.

Included in bin Laden’s video stash investigators also found thousands of photos bin Laden took himself.

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Source:  http://bin-laden-home-videos_2

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HEADLINE – Daily activities could trigger an aneurysms

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They are the things adults do on any given day: exercise, drink coffee, breathe, stand up, sit down, blink, urinate, scratch, eat.

They can also be the very things that cause a lurking brain aneurysm to rupture.

Researchers at the Institute for the Promotion of Irrational Fears and Anxieties in the Netherlands asked patients with brain aneurysms what they were doing shortly before those weakened and bulging blood vessels burst.

They found relatively mundane things like drinking soda, blowing one’s nose, exercising, drinking coffee, breathing, standing up, sitting down, blinking, urinating, scratching or eating often preceded the rupture.

“Anything can cause bad things,” explains Dr. Tad Greenblat.

Greenblat recommends minimizing your risk of suffering a brain aneurysm by doing nothing. ” Don’t exercise, don’t drink soda, don’t drink coffee, don’t breathe, don’t stand up, don’t sit down, don’t blink, don’t urinate, don’t scratch and most definitely don’t eat. Eating is very dangerous,” Greenblat said moving as little as possible.

“Avoiding an aneurysm may mean dying of starvation, but at least a blood vessel won’t explode in your head,” Greenblat concluded.

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Source:  http://www.kob.com/article/stories/html

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HEADLINE – Trump takes credit for bin Laden death

Donald Trump

MUNCIE – Real estate mogul and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump took credit tonight for Osama bin Laden’s death.

“I am very proud of the fact that, by forcing the President to produce his birth certificate, that the President was finally able to concentrate and put the time and effort into apprehending and killing that bin Laden guy,” said Trump in New York tonight.

“It is no coincidence that bin Laden was killed right after the President produced the long form of his birth certificate, which I made him do,” Trump said.

Trump recently announced that he will seek the presidency after his television show “Celebrity Apprentice” concludes.

An anonymous source within the White House confirmed that, when President Obama learned of Trump’s decision, the President smiled, said “excellent” and began stroking a Persian cat sitting on the President’s lap.

Representatives of the GOP were not available for comment.

HEADLINE – “Birthers” attack Obama for releasing birth certificate

A prominent crazy person hooting like a loon on Fox News.

Donald Trump hooting like a loon for an audience in Las Vegas.

Sara Palin hooting like a loon for supporters in Boston

John Boehner hooting like a loon in Washington D.C.

Rick Perry hooting like a loon in Texas.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia hooting like a loon.

Michelle Bachmann hooting like a loon in Cleveland, Ohio

Mitt Romney hooting like a loon in Spartanburg, South Carolina.

MUNCIE - Republican leaders on Thursday slammed President Obama’s release of his detailed birth certificate as a distraction from the issue of whether or not he was born in the United States.

“Its a distraction from our distraction,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Preibus said on “CNN Newsroom,” referring to Obama’s decision to release his long-form birth certificate.

Reince Preibus with a silly big hammer. Like the kind of hammer a judge uses in court, but way bigger.

“The whole ‘show us your birth certificate’ thing was the greatest non issue in American political history, totally distracting millions of people from the real issues,” Preibus continued. “It’s maddening that the President would put an end to our yelling and screaming for him to show us his birth certificate by actually disproving our idiotic charges – charges that have never been made against any other sitting president or any candidate for the presidency.”

Born in Panama, but his citizenship has never been questioned.

“Well, that isn’t entirely true,” Preibus then admitted. “There was a persistent rumor that Grover Cleveland was born in Canada.”

Probably Canadian.

“But no one made an issue of it because Cleveland wasn’t …. he wasn’t like Obama,” Preibus said and ran off.

Preibus running away.

Most birthers feel the issue is not settled: “Okay, so he was born in Hawaii,” said Donald Trump, billionaire birther and possible Republican presidential candidate.

Donald Trump reacts to Obama proving he was born in Hawaii.

“But science has proven that the blacks, they just aren’t good in school. How could Obama go to Harvard much less be president?”

It just doesn’t seem possible.

“It just doesn’t make scientific sense. I am prepared to show that a black man couldn’t possibly have been smart enough to go to Harvard, and to prove it I have investigators researching Obama’s elementary school report cards.  The word is his grades were bad, very bad. The word is he failed gym because he wouldn’t play dodge ball, which is exactly what someone born in Kenya would do. The word is that Kenyans hate dodge ball.”

Everybody knows Africans prefer basketball.

The Funniest Poster Ever

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HEADLINE – Japan’s reactor operator apologizes for radiation release

TOKYO – A Japanese power company executive apologized on Saturday for spreading radiation into the air and sea due to preventable mechanical malfunctions caused by negligent operational protocols and substandard maintenance of nuclear reactors damaged by recent earthquakes and a tsunami.

“I totally apologize for spreading radiation into the air and sea due to preventable mechanical malfunctions caused by negligent operational protocols and substandard maintenance of nuclear reactors damaged by recent earthquakes and a tsunami,” Sakae Muto, a TEPCO vice president, told a news conference.

“I totally goofed. It was totally my fault, and for that I am totally sorry. My bad,” Muto added, pointing out that he should get some credit for “totally owning” the problem and not trying to point the finger of blame at Japanese nuclear safety regulators who either repealed or failed to enforce safety regulations.

“This guy is totally ruining it for all of us,” said Gene McTutle, a high level executive with Goldman Sachs. “Never apologize for anything. Never admit you made a mistake. Never ever.  Insist that you are too big to fail and then convince the government to fix your private mistakes by bailing you out by giving you lots and lots of public money that you can give to yourself as bonuses and that you will never pay back. That’s how this works,” McTutle concluded.

McTutle

Source: http://www.vancouversun.com/Japan+reactor+operator+apologizes+radiation+release/4588943/story.html#ixzz1J4d8Cnfz

HEADLINE – Freeway air pollution linked to brain damage in mice

LOS ANGELES – Exposure to air pollution from cars and trucks on Southern California freeways has been linked to brain damage in mice, including signs associated with memory loss and Alzheimer’s disease, according to a USC study in the journal Environmental Health Perspectives. 

In a statement, senior author Caleb Finch, an expert on the effects of inflammation and holder of USC’s ARCO/William F. Kieschnick Chair in the Neurobiology of Aging, said “This study raises the possibility of long-term brain health consequences for mice that drive, especially mice with long commutes to and from work that expose them to freeway pollution.”

Dr. Finch was quick to point out that, even though his study reveals previously unknown risks to mice that drive, there are more serious problems mice with automobiles must consider.

 

 

 

Source: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/greenspace/2011/04/freeway-air-pollution-brain-damage-mice.html

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HEADLINE – Japan vows to review nuclear safety standards

In response to charges of criminal regulatory negligence that resulted in the clearly apparent failure to build and maintain safe nuclear reactors, the Japanese government vowed to review Japan’s nuclear safety standards.

“We will review them, if we can find them,” promised Ken Fujikuma, Head of the Japanese Nuclear Industry Regulatory Commission and Late Night Drinking Games.

Fujikuma also pledged to “look into” the wisdom of running while holding scissors and playing Russian Roulette with fully loaded hand guns.

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110329/ap_on_bi_ge/as_japan_earthquake;_ylt=AqGOpu9PvKLz0Dh77MPCoIys0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTFoOGJ1Ymw0BHBvcwMyNwRzZWMDYWNjb3JkaW9uX3RvcF9zdG9yaWVzBHNsawNqYXBhbnZvd3N0b3I-

HEADLINE- Rep. Chris Lee resigns after reports of Craigslist flirtation

MUNCIE, Indiana - Rep. Chris Lee of New York abruptly resigned after a gossip Web site reported that the married Republican had allegedly sent flirtatious e-mail messages and a shirtless photo of himself to a woman he met online.

“In February of 2011 Representative Chris Lee was found to have been posting personal ads on Craigslist looking for women and lying about his age and marriage after e-mails and risque photos he sent to a woman were uncovered.”

“The liberal media is at it again,” said Shirley Blond-Bigbreast, Fox News anchor and GOP apologist.

“The real story here is that this latest incident is proof that the Republican Party is making progress solving right wing sex scandals,” Blond-Bigbreast said.  ”Sure, Chris Lee solicited multiple strangers on the internet for sex and lied to them about his age and marital status, but least he isn’t gay.”

Sources:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/09/AR2011020906912.html

http://gawker.com/#!5756377/craigslist-congressman-resigns

Filed Under: Republicans, Congress, Repressed homosexuality among conservatives

Tagged: chris lee, chris lee craigslist, chris lee resignation, chris lee shirtless, chris lee trying to look buff to impress what he clearly hopes is a stupid woman

HEADLINE – Accidental Falls a Leading Cause of Head Injury

MUNCIE - About 2.8 million children and 2 million people aged 65 and older are treated each year at U.S. hospital emergency rooms for head injuries due to accidental falls, says the Open Head Wound Institute (OWHI) located in Muncie, Indiana.

“That accounts for 15% of all head wounds,” says Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Director of OWHI’s Open Head Wound Research and Development Department. “The other 85% of head wound incidents are attributed to angry wives,” Schnurstein continues.

Source:  http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/accidentalfalls-

HEADLINE – Toxic Waste Bars Have Hazardous Levels Of Lead, Recalled

LOS ANGELES –  Candy bars called “Toxic Waste Chew Bars” have been recalled because a sample lot was found to have high levels of lead – 0.24 parts per million, as opposed to the FDA tolerance of 0.1ppm.

“We clearly labeled those candy bars as Toxic Waste,” said Vinnie Slimp, Vice President of Marketing for Circle City Marketing and Distributors, producers of Toxic Waste Chew Bars.

Vinnie Slimp

“It states quite clearly on the wrapper that the ingredients include three kinds of lead, arsenic, dioxin, chromium 6, spent nuclear fuel and there is also a clear warning that the candy may contain traces of tree or ground nuts,” Slimp said.

“It isn’t our fault when someone ignores these clear warnings and actually eats that stuff,” Slimp concluded.

Circle City Marketing and Distributors  is also recalling  ”Deadly Poison Gum Drops” which they also produce and market.

Both Toxic Waste Chew Bars and Deadly Poison Gum Drops are manufactured in China.

Source: http://www.ecoworld.com/agriculture/toxic-candy-bars-recalled-for-lead-content.html

HEADLINE – Embalmed head of France’s King Henri IV found

Henry IV of France

LONDON (Reuters) – The mummified head of King Henry IV has been found. Pulled from the attic of a retired tax collector, the head has been positively identified by scientists using state-of-the-art technology to determine its identity. The king was assassinated 400 years ago after proclaiming religious freedom for Muslims in France.

“I do not need to tell you how much of a surprise this is,” said Ernie Le Plume, curator of the King Henry IV Museum in Paris.  “Now all we have to do is figure out whose head is on top of the body we have on display here in the museum,” Le Plume said.

Known as the Good King or Green Gallant, Henry brought the end to the French Wars of Religion by signing an edict declaring freedom of religion in France in 1598. He was assassinated by a fanatical Catholic, François Ravaillac, in May of 1610.

Le Plume said that no plans  are being made to reunite King Henry’s head with his body. “The whole thing has us sort of creeped out,” Le Plume said.

Source:

http://news.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474978812086

HEADLINE – More Proof God Exists: Extremely Obese People More Likely To Die From H1N1 Swine Flu

MEMPHIS – Extremely obese individuals – those with a BMI (body mass index) of over 40 because they eat like pigs – have a significantly higher chance of dying from 2009 A(H1N1)swine flu infection compared to people who do not eat like pigs, researchers revealed in the journal Clinical Infectious Diseases.

“This is more proof that God exists,” said  theologist Krista Schnurstein. “This joke took over a billion years to be told, which also illustrates God’s incredible patience.  The joke required humans and pigs to evolve, the H1N1 virus to evolve and be identified, as well as the process that eventually named it ‘swine flu.’ God’s majesty is truly apparent when you consider the slow evolution of the now universal comparison between fat people and pigs, resulting in this new research showing fat people more likely to die of swine flu – which is, essentially, a divine punch line,” Schnurstein concluded.

Advocates for the morbidly obese are more concerned about the emotional pain this new study will cause fat people. “Fat people are often made fun of by comparing them to pigs,” said Tina Finster, Director of Friends of Obese Dependents (FOOD), a non profit organization that lobbies on behalf of obese citizens trapped in their homes because they are too large to use ordinary doors. “We want to change the name of swine flu to something less insulting to fat people who contract that illness,” Finster said.

FOOD has polled its members to determine what term should be used to replace “swine flu.”  Based on the poll results, FOOD is sponsoring legislation that will require all state and federal government agencies to refer to swine flu by any of the following alternative names: cuddly-kitten flu, extra-crispy flu, chocolate-cake flu, fried-chicken flu, four-double-Whoppers-with-extra-cheese flu, or yes-I-want-fries-with-that flu.

A Grim Fairy Tale: THE SOMBER TURKEY

Most of you who visit here know that I am an attorney – and a happy one, content in my work and honored to be part of one of the Great Professions.

But before I shook the dust out of my brain and decided to make something of myself, I fancied myself a writer – or at least thought I would write professionally one day.

During that phase of my wasted youth I wrote a series of terrible and really inappropriate children’s stories I called Grim Fairy Tales.  They were told by Brother Grim, an old man who owned and operated a convenience store. One night a bad storm forced brother Grim and a small group of children to spend the night in Brother Grim’s store.  The lights and phone were out, so Brother Grim entertained them with stories told in the dark, while the wind and rain howled and rattled the windows.

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?

What follows is one of those stories.  I post it every November as we North Americans get closer to our Thanksgiving feast – which invariably features a big roasted turkey.

It is that time of year again.  My friends, I give you…

The Somber Turkey

Once upon a time, outside of the Kingdom of Woodland, east of Winters, in the Land of California, there lived a happy turkey farmer named Hannigan.  He loved raising turkeys, killing them, and selling them – in part or in whole – to clients all over California – where turkey eating was a big thing, especially during Thanksgiving and Christmas.

On Hannigan’s turkey farm lived a happy turkey named Norman.  Norman was the happiest and most contented turkey the world had ever known because he was the biggest turkey anyone had ever seen.  Farmer Hannigan often brought other humans to marvel at Norman’s size and physical beauty.

“That’s gonna be some big turkey,” the human visitors would always say.

“Yep,” Farmer Hannigan would always reply.

Farmer Hannigan was happy, which made Norman happy. Norman was proud of the fact that he was so big and fat with lots of white meat, whatever that was.

The other turkeys knew how Norman felt, because he was always bragging about himself.

“I’m gonna be some big turkey!” he would say.

The other turkeys got fed up with Norman’s bragging.  One day Leonardo decided to do something about it.

Leonardo was not an especially big or happy turkey. Not being big didn’t make Leonardo unhappy.  He could give a rat’s ass about how big he was.  He didn’t buy into that neo-fascist farmcentric value system.  Leonardo was a fiery-eyed revolutionary with a strong interest in pragmatic Marxism.

Leonardo

“You are one fine, big turkey,” Leonardo said to Norman one day.

“Yes, I am,” Norman preened.

“You know what they’re going to do to you because you’re so big?” Leonardo asked.

“Admire me,” Norman said, meaning it.

“Sure they are.  They’re going to admire how good you taste,” Leonardo said.

“I beg your pardon?” Norman asked.

“They’re going to eat you, buddy.  In a couple of months they’re going to catch you, kill you, cut off your head, pull out all of your feathers and your internal organs, cook you and eat you, and they’re going to pick you first because you’re so big.  Lots of white meat.”

“Oh, my god!” Norman said.  “They’re going to eat me!”

Norman realizing the truth.

“You mean you didn’t know?”

“No!”

“Everyone else knows.  Why do you think that so many turkeys die while they’re drinking water?”

“Because they forget to breath?”

Leonardo laughed. “You believe that?  It’s a lie invented by the Man.  Have you ever forgotten to breath?”

“No.”

“Of course not. You got to be really stupid to forget to breath.”

“But we are pretty stupid.”

“No we’re not.  That’s just a lie to keep us down, to ruin our self esteem so we will be easy to exploit and so we won’t cause any trouble.  I’ll tell you why some turkeys die drinking water. Depression.  They’re depressed.  Why else do you think those other “stupid” things happen?  Why do you think some turkeys kill themselves by opening their throats in the rain and drowning?  Why do you think hens sit on their eggs so hard they break the eggs?”

“Oh my god, they’re killing their babies,” Norman said, in horror.

“Right.  They know what’s in store and they can’t take it. Would you want someone to eat your babies?”

“No,” Norman said.  “What can I do?” he asked, whispering in abject terror.

“Maybe I can get you out of here,” Leonardo said.  “On the outside there is an underground network of birds and humans who can take you to a place where you will be free.”

“Interested?”

“Of course!”

“Okay  I’ll see what I can do.”

Time went by.  Leonardo often spoke with Norman, teaching the bigger bird the truth about the world, teaching him hatred for the seemingly unbreakable power structure that doomed him and his race to be imprisoned, enslaved, slaughtered and devoured by killer apes.

“But remember,” Leonardo cautioned one night. “Not all humans are ravenous cannibals.  Some are good, and eat only plants and bugs.  These are the ones that help some of us get away.”

“How?” Leonardo asked in the star lit darkness.

“Every now and then there is a condition called Dark of the Moon, when there is no moon out and the darkness is as total as it can be.  During this time, a human jumps the fence and opens a big box. As many of us run in as we can.  We call it the Box of Freedom.”

“Just one box?”

“Yes, one box, but it is a big box, and it is better that some of us escape to keep the flames of hope burning.”

“I hope we both make it, brother,” Leonardo said.

“Me too, brother.  Me too.”

Then came the Dark of the Moon.  The turkeys were all quiet, making sure that there was no reason for Farmer Hannigan to investigate.

Suddenly the man with the box appeared.  He placed a big box on the ground and opened the side.

“This is it, brother!” Leonardo said, running.  Norman followed.

Leonardo made it into the box.  Norman didn’t get in before the man closed the box.

“Don’t worry, brother!” Leonardo cried from inside the box. “I’ll be waiting for you in paradise!”

But it didn’t happen.  The friendly human with the big box didn’t come back.  And Thanksgiving approached.  Leonardo was right – they came for Norman first.

Farmer Hannigan and his employees placed Norman in a big wooden crate built out of slats so that Norman could see and breathe.  Then Norman was carried to a truck, to an airport, into the belly of a jet, into another truck, and onto a large lawn next to a big white house.  Eventually, humans came to set up a lectern, chairs and cameras.  More humans came.  Some talked at the lectern in front of the crowd.

And then Norman’s cage was opened and gentle hands removed him from the crate.

“My god,” one human said.  “This had got to be the biggest turkey I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s why the President is getting it,” another human said, not trying to make a joke.

Norman was brought to the front of the crowd.  One human in a black suit made a short speech to another man, also standing in front of the crowd.  Humans in the audience took pictures with still and video cameras.

And then Norman did it.  He thrust out his neck and tried to bite the man who wasn’t giving the speech.  Norman knew that he just couldn’t go gently into that good night.

The man giving the speech reached out, grabbed Norman’s long neck and choked Norman.  Other humans helped stuff Norman back into the crate.

“That is one feisty bird,” the President quipped, and the reporters laughed.

In those days it was customary for the President to display generosity, and pardon the White House Thanksgiving turkey.  So Norman was taken to a farm in Virginia, where he lived for the rest of his natural days.

Leonardo was not so lucky. He ended up as dinner for the man with the big box, who was nothing more than a thief who just couldn’t get over how stupid those turkeys were and how they would be so quite and just waddle into the box, as if they wanted to be eaten.

Which was, from the thief’s point of view, always possible.  After all, turkeys are so stupid.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

HEADLINE – FRITO-LAY ISSUES DORITOS WARNING

ST LOUIS – The Frito-Lay corporation is warning the public not to eat the new Doritos variety Extra Spicy Nacho Cheese Extreme.

“Look, I said to stay away from those things,” said Eric Paulson, Frito-Lay Vice President, hurrying out of his office with a box stuffed with personal belongings. “It’s not my fault. I didn’t know this would happen. No one could have known,” Paulson said as he ran off.

In response to Frito-Lay’s warning, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) posted the following advisory on the FEMA website:

“Close and lock or barricade all doors and windows.  Close all blinds and/or window coverings.  Turn off all lights.  Move everyone as far from potential threat areas as possible.  Take cover behind heavy furnishings or structures. Stay down.  Do not open doors unless instructed to do so by FEMA or positively identified public safety personnel.

If possible, shut off building ventilation systems. If it is safe to do so, provide first aid and appropriate care for the injured or ill person.  Whenever possible, if blood, vomit, or other bodily fluids are present, avoid contact with these and use appropriate Personal Protective Equipment (gloves, mask, etc.).  Do not move seriously injured people unless movement is necessary to protect them from immediate, life-threatening danger.  Consider the possibility that injured persons may have been contaminated and take appropriate precautionary measures.”

“We will survive this,” said said Janette Hemply, Acting Frito-Lay Board President from an undisclosed location. “We will rebuild.”

“It’s in the trees!  It’s coming!” yelled an unidentified person behind Hemply.

Source:

http://www.walletpop.com/blog/2010/06/15/fake-doritos-coupon-warning-from-frito-lay/

HEADLINE: Montana GOP policy: Male homosexuality illegal

HELENA, Mont. – At a time when gays have been gaining victories across the country, the Republican Party in Montana still wants to make male homosexuality illegal.

The party adopted an official platform in June that keeps a long-held position in support of making homosexual acts illegal, a policy adopted after the Montana Supreme Court struck down such laws in 1997.

However, Montana GOP officials believe that targeting male homosexuality, leaving lesbianism legal, will satisfy social conservatives and prove the party’s tolerance.

“If you read the Bible real careful like, you will see that God doesn’t mention girl-on-girl action at all,” said Track Mannhole, Montana Tea Party spokesperson.  ”God hates fags, not lesbians,” Mannhole concludes.

Perfectly fine.

Biblical scholars agree. “The Biblical prohibition against homosexuality is found only in Leviticus,” observes Krista Schnurstein, Director of Religious Studies at the Sam Houston Institute of Technology. “But only male homosexuality is criminalized and punished by death,” Schnurstein continues. “The writers of the Torah conspicuously left out any mention of female homosexuality from the long list of prohibited activities.  It is almost as if they said ‘sex between men – forbidden; sex between women – no comment.”

"That which is not expressly forbidden is permitted."

 

This conspicuous biblical omission is at the heart of the Montana GOP’s new drive to outlaw male homosexuality. As Mannhole explains “If you think about it, it makes sense that those old prophets would exclude lesbians from the list. Male homosexuality is, well, sort of disgusting, whereas female homosexuality is sort of hot.”

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MEET KAREN (again) [UPDATED]

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About a year ago, I asked all of you to go to a website devoted to the American cable television show Mad Men and vote for my dear friend, Karen, so that she could appear on that television program.  This is Karen:

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Please note the ankle tattoo. I will NOT entertain discussion of her “tramp stamp” so don’t even ask.  I’m looking at you, Barnes and Bondi.

I was at our favorite sushi bar the other day with Karen, her husband Gerald and their daughter Laney.  Gerald looks like this:

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Gerald is possibly the most interesting person I know, and I know a lot of interesting people.  He is the guy who wrote a program called Ethereal now known as Wireshark, a network protocol analyzer.  If you don’t know what that is, then you can’t say you know what is really going on.

Gerald and Karen’s daughter, Laney, looks like this:

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So we are sitting there chatting, catching up on stuff, when suddenly, and without warning of any kind, Laney gasps and says:

“I swallowed my tooth.”

Laney is very, very young, and is losing her baby teeth. Well, at the moment she was chewing on and swallowing a bit of California Roll, one of her lose teeth dislodged and went down with the food.

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The culprit.

Laney was very unhappy, but soon was eating with gusto again.

But Karen was not satisfied.

“That is Laney’s first baby tooth. I am going to get that tooth,” she said to me, her words oozing with ruthless determination. “You know me,” she said. ” I am going to get that tooth.”

The visual image was, well, rather disgusting.  Karen saw it on my face and attempted to reassure me.

“I am going to use gloves,” she said.

Using gloves was not really the point.  The concept of Karen rooting through Laney’s – well, you know – was the image that was revolting me.

“Well, okay,” I said. “But I want pictures so I can post them on my blog.”

“Okay!” Karen said.

So, stay tuned!  Pics on the way!

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UPDATE

Karen succeeded . Here is the tooth:

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Karen assures me that she “soaked it in bleach” but – from my perspective – that isn’t really an important point.

When all is said and done, that tooth has a heck of a story associated with it.  And although the details may be a bit unsavory, it really is an amazing story. And isn’t that what all of this is about?

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HEADLINE – Argentina forces dirty war orphans to provide DNA

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Ulan Bator – The Argentine legislature has enacted a controversial bill requiring all war orphans residing in Argentina to provide DNA samples – but only if they are “filthy.”

“Just look at those dirty, filthy war orphans,” said Juan Hepilmeyer, Argentine Minister of Public Hygiene. “The Argentine government has finally decided to do something about the problem of dirty war orphans, and the first step is to collect their DNA,” Hepilmeyer said.

“I don’t care what the law says,” said Ricci Polinski, a hygienically-challenged war orphan who wanders the streets of Buenos Aries. “They won’t get of my DNA,” said a defiant Polinski as he picked his nose and wiped his finger on his shirt.

Hepilmeyer said that the new law authorizes the use of the Argentine Army to enforce the new regulations.

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Source: http://www.stltoday.com/argentina-forces-dirty-war-orphans-to-provide-dna/

HEADLINE – Scientists find clue to killer of Tasmanian devils

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By RHAPPEE KANASTA, Ass.Press Zoology Writer – 2 hrs 51 mins ago

HOBART – Fierce as they are, Tasmanian devils can’t beat another marspial, unknown until recently, that top-flight Tasmanian scientists are tentatively calling Tasmanian Jesus.

Since 1996, the numbers of Tasmanian devils have plummeted by 70 percent. Last spring, Australia listed the devils — made famous by their Looney Tunes cartoon namesake Taz — as an endangered species.

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An international research team – lead by leading Tasmanian “scientists” – discovered the devils were being driven off by another animal wandering the Tasmanian outback doing good deeds and squeaking a message of peace and goodwill to the other Tasmanian animals.

“It’s awful to think there could be no devils here in 50 years because of Tasmanian Jesus,” said lead researcher Shelia Murchison of the Tasmanian University of Tasmania.

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Dr. Shelia Murchison

The devils, known for powerful jaws, fierce screeches and voracious consumption of prey, are the world’s largest marsupial carnivores. But they are no match for the supernatural goodness of Tasmanian Jesus, Murchison said by phone from Tasmania.

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The map of Tasmania, in all its glory.

“To solve this problem we are asking the government to arrest Tasmanian Jesus and execute the vile creature after a show trial,” Murchison concluded.

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HEADLINE – NIGERIANS WORRY ABOUT IMAGE

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By Rhapee Kanasta (Ass.Press)

LAGOS - The botched Christmas Day bomb attack on a U.S. airliner involving a suspect from Nigeria has prompted concerns that the bomber’s action further harm the already tarnished image of the West African nation.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab - ruining it for Nigerians

“Nigerians already have a terrible international reputation,” said Abika Dabiri, Member of the Nigerian House of Representatives. “Before this terrible attempted bombing, there were and still are scam artists claiming to be Nigerian princes sending spam email on the internet,” Dabiri explains.

Dabiri laments that, to the world, it appears that Nigeria is populated by thousands and thousands of princes who have inherited money they cannot obtain without help from others, and this help always involves a small investment.

“Why is my sincerity and honesty being doubted?” asks Abdola Coffani, who claims to be a Nigerian Prince. “I have inherited between 15 and 100 million US Dollars, but I cannot access my inheritance for obscure technical reasons and I need your help to do so.  If you help, I will share my inherited fortune with you. And it will cost you very little, only a few thousand dollars, which you should view as an investment. Will you help?”asks Coffani.

“As a Nigerian, I am truly embarrassed,” Dabiri continues. “You don’t see British or Dutch royalty trying to trick old ladies out of their money.

Doesn't know how to use email.

Recent films have added to Nigeria’s image problem. “Did you see the film District 9?” asks N’Mimba Jones, a Nigerian prince seeking to obtain his inheritance. “District 9 depicts Nigerians as cannibalistic gangsters who practice voodoo. Now, when people find out I am Nigerian, they often ask me to place a curse on someone they dislike.  I cannot do that and I wish they would stop asking. People like that are often unwilling to loan me the few thousand dollars I need to obtain my inheritance – despite the fact that I am willing to share my fortune with them when I get it.”

“So here is the problem from the Nigerian point of view,” says Yaphet Kotto, American film actor and Cameroonian King. “All Nigerians are now presumed to be either impoverished ethically challenged princes, cannibalistic mobster voodoo practitioners or inept suicide bombers.  Makes me glad I am from Cameroon,” Kotto concludes.

Cameroon is a West African country that boarders Nigeria.

REMEMBERING THE 2000 COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE, PART 2

In Part One of this series, we encountered “Hello, Meteor!” – a commercial the Discovery Channel  (TDS) made during the 2000 commercial actors strike.  ”Hello, Meteor!” garnered critical and commercial acclaim.  This success encouraged TDS on to assign more of their non-actor office to star in other commercials, including the now classic “Hello, Mosquito!” shown below.

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HEADLINE – SCIENTISTS PROVE GOD EXISTS

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By Rhapee Kanasta (Ass.Press)

CHICAGO - People with Alzheimer’s disease are less apt to get cancer and people with cancer are less apt to get Alzheimer’s disease, new research confirms.

“Discovering the links between these two conditions is absolute proof that God exists and that He has a sick sense of humor,” Dr. Catherine M. Roe of Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis, noted in a written statement from the American Academy of Neurology. “I mean, come on, the irony of Alzheimers protecting against cancer, and cancer protecting against Alzheimers is so mind-bogglingly awful that it cannot be a coincidence, and that means it is proof of Divine intervention in human affairs,” Roe concluded before jumping in front of a subway train.

“Since the dawn of civilization, philosophers have suspected that the sum of creation is one big joke,” said Father Timothy Murphy, Director of Religious studies at Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland. “Discovering that cancer prevents Alzheimer’s and that suffering from Alzheimer’s means you won’t die of cancer sort of confirms that suspicion,” Murphy said just after robbing a bank and kidnapping three women at gunpoint.

In future studies, “we would like to examine if God intentionally designed men and women to reach their sexual peak at different stages of life, thereby all but guaranteeing relational problems,” said Dr. Krista Schnursten, Senior Fellow at the National Academy of Ironic Studies.  ”In time we hope to confirm that God is, indeed, a sadistic bastard. It sure would explain a lot,” Schnurstein said.

Source:  http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory?id=9411725

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