AN UNFORTUNATE MISTRANSLATION

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THE MARK OF THE BEAST

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THE END IS NEAR(ER)!

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Click on image to enlarge for easier reading.

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Actually, that seems kind of cool.

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A Grim Fairy Tale – BOXING DAY

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a true story?

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BOXING DAY

Once upon a time there was a young woman named Jennifer. Jennifer lived in a place known far and wide as the City of Angels, which Jennifer liked because she considered herself a Born Again Christian, and living in a city of angels was fine by her.

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Jennifer lived with a man named Robert.  They met in church and were married a year later.  The day after their first Christmas together, she found Robert’s secret briefcase hidden in the apartment bedroom closet.

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The briefcase was large, hard shelled and had a combination lock with three numbers on rotating dials set side by side.  It was very heavy. She shook it gently, but didn’t notice any peculiar movement. She had no idea what was in it.

She tried to open it (of course), but it was locked and she could not open it. That is when she realized the brief case belonged to Robert, because she would have remembered buying something that could lock.  

She put the briefcase back where she found it and walked away.

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But the next day she was in the closet again looking at the secret briefcase. She looked closely and noticed that the numbers on the combination had changed. She didn’t know how she knew, but she knew. She memorized the number combination showing – 0-8-7 – and placed the briefcase back in the closet.

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A week later, she checked and saw that the numbers had changed to 4-2-7. This meant that at least twice in as many weeks, Robert had opened the lock, gone into the briefcase, and jumbled the numbers when he relocked it.  So Jennifer began to check the briefcase every day. Every day she tried to open it, just in case Robert forgot to jumble the numbers to set the lock.

One day the briefcase opened.

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Inside, Jennifer found a pair of musty, sweaty boxing gloves, a stack of magazines and some video cassettes. Tucked into one of the organizer pockets inside the briefcase, Jennifer found a bunch of letters from men addressed to Robert at his office.

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Jennifer read the letters and looked through the magazines. She even watched one of the videos. The magazines and videos showed men – and sometimes women – boxing and wrestling.

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Jennifer learned from the letters that Robert would regularly go to the Olympic Gym near Downtown L.A., rent a boxing ring, and box with strange men—rarely the same man twice.

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The Olympic Auditorium then.

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They’d punch and pound and smack each other and then afterwards they would perform unnatural, sinful acts upon themselves as the other watched.  The letters would end with promises that the writer would inflict great bodily harm upon Robert the next time they met at the gym.

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Naturally Jennifer confronted Robert about her awful discovery. She let him come home to find her sitting on their bed with the briefcase open, reading his letters.

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Robert admitted everything—the boxing and the unspeakable, sinful acts. He admitted that he lied to Jennifer – that when he said he was working on weekends he was really meeting strange men at the Olympic Gym.

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Robert admitted lying about playing rugby as a subterfuge to explain the injuries he sustained boxing.

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That night Jennifer slept at her friend’s house and the next day she moved her things out of the apartment she shared with Robert.  She resolved that her marriage with Robert was over because lying, Jennifer knew, is a sin. 

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The Olympic Auditorium now.

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CAN’T. STOP. LAUGHING.

BOEHNER POINTS THE FINGER

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HEADLINE – Marilyn Davenport, Republican official in California, didn’t think Obama as chimp e-mail was racist

"The Chinese are cheaper than the Jews," observed Marilyn Davenport at a news conference .

SANTA ANA –  A prominent Tea Party organizer has come under fire for sending an email containing a photograph depicting President Barack Obama as a chimpanzee.

“There is nothing racist about comparing African Americans with monkeys,” said Marilyn Davenport, an elected member of the Orange County Republican central committee.

Davenport sent the e-mail on Friday. The “family photo” attached to Davenport’s email features the commander-in-chief as a baby chimpanzee with two chimp parents.

“My position would be I am concerned, knowing what the responsibility is of a president,” Davenport said. “I guess we should know his origin, shouldn’t we?”

In 2009 Davenport rose to national notoriety when she defended the former Republican mayor of Los Alamitos, Dean Grose when Grose emailed a photo showing a watermelon patch in front of the White House.

“There is nothing racist about predicting that President Obama will grow watermelons on the White house lawn,” said Davenport, adding that it is a “well-known fact that the blacks enjoy watermelon after eating fried chicken.”

“They also enjoy malt liquor,” Davenport added.

Davenport defended former Newport Beach City Councilman Dick Nichols when Nichols objected to beach improvements because Mexicans would utilize the improvements.

Dick Nichols

“There is nothing racist about complaining that there are too many Mexicans using our local beaches, ruining it for the rest of us,” Davenport said, adding that it is a “well-known fact that your basic Mexican isn’t as clean as normal people.”  Davenport went on to state that “those people” should speak English.

Davenport also defended a Republican women’s club in San Bernardino County that sent out a  newsletter with a fake “food stamp” showing Barack Obama surrounded by fried chicken, watermelon and ribs.

“There is nothing racist about associating the president – who is half-black – with fried chicken, watermelon and ribs,” Davenport said, adding that it is a “well-known fact that many people on welfare, almost all of them black, use food stamps to purchase fried chicken, watermelon, ribs and Kool Aid. Those people just love Kool Aid,” Davenport opined.

Nothing racist about this whatsoever.

Davenport’s supporters argue that the entire controversy is a big misunderstanding.

“All Marilyn was doing was sharing a racist joke with a few of her closest racist friends, which is nothing more than an exercise of her rights of free speech as an American citizen.  If Marilyn is guilty of anything, she is guilty of not taking the time and care to identify her truly racist friends, and separate them from those she knows who are just pretending to be racist,” said an anonymous source close to Davenport.

Her supporter was wearing this t-shirt.

“I think it’s only racist when the intent in my heart is to make it that way, and that was not the intent in my heart,” Davenport said outside her suburban ranch-style home.

In her heart she knows she isn't racist.

“I’m gaining weight, my period has stopped, I have morning sickness but I’m not pregnant,” said Davenport’s 18 year old niece, Buffy. “A person can only be pregnant if they personally think they are pregnant, and if they don’t think they are, then they aren’t.”

Buffy Davenport

“In my heart I know I’m not pregnant,” said Buffy as she tried to cross a busy highway on foot because, in her heart, she “intended” the freeway to be a garden path.

An unknown person who received the email from Davenport was offended and reported the incident to the local media.  Davenport and her supporters are attempting to ascertain the identity of this “race traitor.”

Davenport should never have “friended” Heidi on Facebook.

Sources:  

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/2011/04/17/2011-04-H
 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_obama_offensive_email;_ -

You Gotta Love L.A. – UPDATE

A few days ago I posted this photo (sent to me by my good friend, Joseph) to illustrate the bizarre, delightful, dada quality that so typifies Los Angeles:

I charted it out. I made a seven day – 24 hour AM/PM calendar and blocked out all of the days and times described in each sign, many of them overlapping.

The result can be seen below. The hours you cannot park on that street are the ones that are not blacked out.

Click on the chart for a larger version that is easier to read.

I hope this clarifies the situation.

I love LA. Angelenos are required to think in multiple dimensions.

Sort of like what happens when you try to get around via automobile in Central Paris, France.

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HEADLINE – Gov’t focus on nuke crisis angers tsunami victims

RIKUZENTAKATA, Japan – As Japan’s prime minister held another in an endless stream of press conferences to describe in great detail the Japanese government’s efforts to fix damaged nuclear reactors, frustrated tsunami victims complained that the government has been too focused on the nuclear crisis that followed the massive wave.

“Hey! Over here! 165,000 people living in cardboard boxes and packing crates! HELLO?? Is anyone home??” 35-year-old Megumi Shimanuki shouted at the Prime Minister from the crowd gathered at the press conference. “Yeah, yeah, highly radioactive water is leaking into the sea. Blah, blah, blah. I need a house,” Shimanuki yelled.

“Go find the corporate executives and their stooge government regulators who willfully and knowingly decided to operate unsafe nuclear reactors right near the ocean, line them up against a wall, and shoot them,” suggested Ken Hashimoto, a fellow tsunami evacuee.

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“Kill them all, then confiscate their multiple homes, expensive automobiles and jewelry they bought with the profits they made cutting safety corners.  Sell that property and use the money to get me some food,” Hashimoto added.

Source: http://news.yahoo.com

HEADLINE – Fired workers burn Indian executive to death

 

BHUBANESHWAR, India – Indian police briefly detained two people after an angry mob of fired workers burned to death a senior executive of a steel factory, an official said Friday.

After learning they were laid off so that the company could pay large bonuses to executives, 3,000 workers attacked a vehicle carrying a senior steel mill executive as he was leaving the factory in eastern Orissa state on Thursday, dousing the Jeep with gasoline and setting it on fire, said police Superintendent Ajay Kumar Sarangi.

“Who needs collective bargaining?” said angry factory worker Rhapee Kanasta. “You Americans really have no idea of how to deal with the abuse of corporate power,” Kanasta continued. “Here in India, if they go too far, we kill them.  No table negotiations. No Fair Labor Practices Board of Review. No complicated and expensive lawsuits. No strikes. No picketing. Just douse them in gasoline and burn them.”

“Oh yes, we can become very angry, indeed,” said fellow factory worker Sanje Ghupta.

Source: http://www.sify.com/finance/fired-workers-burn-indian-executive-to-death-news-news-ldhc4ijgcfe.html

Declaration of Sentiments and Resolutions – and Ray Gun Girls

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By now you know I kind of dig Space Chicks.

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In addition to writing substantively on the historical, sociological and geopolitical aspects of Space Chicks, my purely scholarly passion led me to become the worlds leading authority on subject.

Professor Boylan presenting a paper on Space Chicks at the University of Johannesburg, South Africa, in 2006

When I first determined the importance of Space Chicks as a pop culture phenomenon,  I soon observed that there is an important Space Chick subset that is best described as “Ray Gun Girls.”  Simply put, a Ray Gun Girl is a girl often, but not always, wearing a space suit in close proximity to a ray gun, often, but not always holding the ray gun.

Like Space Chicks in general, Ray Gun Girls first appeared on the cover of pulp magazines.

And when Space Chicks migrated from pulp novel covers to film and television, Ray Gun Girls began showing up there, too.

In all honesty, most Ray Gun Girl images are fetish driven manifestations of arrested male adolescent wish fulfillment, amounting to little more than soft core pornography.

However, as the years went by science fiction matured, and Space Chick images began to include strong, capable women who were fully realized heroic figures as complex and detailed as any male hero. As this happened, the images of Ray Gun Girls also evolved into something more serious and less sexist.

To me, the entire phenomenon is really quite fascinating. I don’t have the time or inclination to explore in this blog why there is such a driving interest to depict women holding ray guns.  The psycho-sexual implications alone would fill more space than I have to work with here. However, it is worth noting that the Ray Gun Girl concept is distancing itself from sex object utility and is increasingly being seen as a sign of feminist empowerment.

I’m taking the time here to provide you with the opportunity to judge for yourself.  Below is a gallery of Ray Gun Girl drawings and photos representing only what I was able to download in a few minutes before I gave up and went on to more serious business.  Nevertheless, this incomplete sample is the most comprehensive collection of Ray Gun Girl pics anywhere on or off the internet.

I present them in the order my computer imposed due to file title.

[If you don't see any gallery below, then you need to go back up to the top and click on the link entitled something like "The Ultimate Ray Gun Girl Gallery."

I take no responsibility for any offense that may result from anyone accessing and scrutinizing any of the photos in that gallery.]

A FANTASY REALIZED

Today I fulfilled a fantasy, and I just had to share it with y’all.

Every year, my wife throws an “Oscar party.”  If you know what that is, skip ahead in the story to where I go to the hardware store in my hit man outfit. If you don’t know what an Oscar party is, allow me to explain:

Every year the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences holds a gala event where they hand out awards for excellence in motion pictures arts and sciences.

The award is nicknamed the “Oscar.”  The United States is a movie culture (wrap your head around that one, if you can) and many, many Americans celebrate this pinnacle of commercialism and hold parties where groups of people watch the televised masturbatory splendor, eat, drink, make snide comments about the celebrities and hope that Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson or Gabrielle Union experience a spectacular wardrobe malfunction. Preferably all three simultaneously.

A Gabrielle Union impersonator

My lovely wife is one of these Oscarphiles, and every year we throw an Oscar party.

This year, as part of her party preparations, my wife purchased meat via the internet.  Not just any meat. When I opened the enormous box left at my front door and dug through the space age insulation, I found an enormous pork roast – so large that it won’t fit the largest roasting pan in existence, which we own and keep in the garage because it frightens small children and upsets our two cats when it is left unattended.

I can hear you saying “So what?  Just take a sharp knife and cut off a chunk so it will fit in the roasting pan.”

That is not an option – not with this roast.  There is bone running through it.  To cut off a chunk I need to cut through that bone, and I don’t have anything suited to do the cutting.

I called my local butcher, who declined my request to cut a chunk off of that big hunk of pork.  I offered to pay him. He still refused saying “We have a policy not to cut meat that wasn’t purchased from our store.”

Won't cut strange meat.

 

So my only option was to go to my local hardware store and buy a hacksaw and do it myself.

And that’s when I realized this was a rare opportunity to fulfill a fantasy.  Before I drove to Ace Hardware, I found and put on an old double breasted suit, a white tie and a pair of sunglasses.

 

I looked a lot like this.

 

I drove to the hardware store, walked in and approached the first employee I could find.

 

He looked a lot like this.

“Can I help you?”  the hardware store clerk inquired.

“Yeah. Sure. Maybe,” I said.  “See, I got this problem.  I need to cut through a large piece of bone.”

“Bone?” the clerk asked.

“Yeah, bone,” I replied, looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping.  “I never realized until very recently just how difficult it is to cut bone. My usual apparatus isn’t up to it,” I continued.  “You got any type of bone saw or something?”

“I – “

“You know, I figured a hacksaw would do, but if you got anything better, let me know.  I don’t mind paying for quality, if you know what I mean.”

Quality bone saws.

“I – I’m not sure we –“

“I bet you know what I mean. Know what I mean? Quality. Something I can hang onto just in case I need to cut through a couple of bones and I got a deadline and a car boot space problem, if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean, don’t you?”

By this point the nice gentleman was clearly upset and I was afraid he was going to run, so I laughed and told him I was kidding, and I told him the whole story about the huge piece of meat my wife bought on the internet and the bone I had to cut to reduce the size of the roast so it would fit my roasting pan.

And would you believe it? I ended up buying a genuine bone saw. They had one behind the counter in the back.

HEADLINE- Rep. Chris Lee resigns after reports of Craigslist flirtation

MUNCIE, Indiana - Rep. Chris Lee of New York abruptly resigned after a gossip Web site reported that the married Republican had allegedly sent flirtatious e-mail messages and a shirtless photo of himself to a woman he met online.

“In February of 2011 Representative Chris Lee was found to have been posting personal ads on Craigslist looking for women and lying about his age and marriage after e-mails and risque photos he sent to a woman were uncovered.”

“The liberal media is at it again,” said Shirley Blond-Bigbreast, Fox News anchor and GOP apologist.

“The real story here is that this latest incident is proof that the Republican Party is making progress solving right wing sex scandals,” Blond-Bigbreast said.  ”Sure, Chris Lee solicited multiple strangers on the internet for sex and lied to them about his age and marital status, but least he isn’t gay.”

Sources:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/09/AR2011020906912.html

http://gawker.com/#!5756377/craigslist-congressman-resigns

Filed Under: Republicans, Congress, Repressed homosexuality among conservatives

Tagged: chris lee, chris lee craigslist, chris lee resignation, chris lee shirtless, chris lee trying to look buff to impress what he clearly hopes is a stupid woman

HEADLINE – Accidental Falls a Leading Cause of Head Injury

MUNCIE - About 2.8 million children and 2 million people aged 65 and older are treated each year at U.S. hospital emergency rooms for head injuries due to accidental falls, says the Open Head Wound Institute (OWHI) located in Muncie, Indiana.

“That accounts for 15% of all head wounds,” says Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Director of OWHI’s Open Head Wound Research and Development Department. “The other 85% of head wound incidents are attributed to angry wives,” Schnurstein continues.

Source:  
http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/accidentalfalls-

A SHORT CONVERSATION WITH MY WIFE

So I was in bed last night watching television with my wife and we were discussing gun control.

There is no more divisive issue sui generis to the American experience and national psyche than the question of gun control.  I am often asked to appear as a guest speaker on topics touching on constitutional rights.  I always begin those talks by quickly describing my travels and experience living and working with people from similar and vastly different cultures.  Because of my exposure to different cultures I am very much aware of what makes Americans different from anyone else on earth. I also know that very few Americans are aware of that difference.

So I ask groups of people whenever I can what it is that makes Americans different and distinct as a culture.  It often isn’t easy for them to determine because they’ve never considered the question before. Most of them have never been more than 50 miles from where they were born and most of them live near people who look, talk and think the same way they do.

But eventually the Socratic method succeeds in helping my audience discover the truth – i.e,  that it is the rights we enjoy as Americans that makes us fundamentally different.  Americans experience a level of freedom no one else in the world can exercise.

Which prompts the inevitable follow-up question. I ask “What freedoms are uniquely American?”

The answer I get varies from audience to audience, but I am always surprised how often the answer is the right to bear arms.

Those who believe this, of course, are wrong.  The right to bear arms isn’t fundamentally or uniquely American.  The Taliban in Afghanistan believe the same thing and are willing to kill anyone who attempts to compromise their right to own and use fire arms.

I bring this up only to illustrate how important it is to own firearms to many, many Americans.  It is so important that millions of Americans value the right to bear arms above the rights of speech, assembly and movement.

I am not that extreme in my views, but I do feel the right to bear arms is an important right if for no other reason than it is expressly mentioned in the American Constitution.  My wife disagrees.  She believes that the American Founding Fathers’ viewpoint is important, but not controlling because time has made their worldview – their original intent – absurd.

You can see her argument best expressed here:

http://www.examiner.com/video

 

Gun control is a fairly hot topic, which is why my wife and I were discussing the topic while watching television last night.

The recent horrific shootings in Tuscon, Arizona are at the forefront of all of our minds. My wife is upset and believes Arizona should have more potent gun control regulations.  In the heat of our discussion she said “guns kill people.”

I was ready for that argument. “Blaming guns for killing people,” I retorted, “is like blaming spoons for obesity.”

I felt pretty good about that statement. It was eloquent and elegant, bordering on poetry.

We sat in silence a while, me feeling a bit smug, and then my wife said:

“Yeah, but if crazy people were running around killing 9 year old girls with spoons, I bet we would have some spoon control laws pretty quick.”

God, I love my wife.

“I WISH IS COULD TALK IN TECHNICOLOR…”

 

I just watched a video of an ordinary 1950′s housewife take LSD.   Here is what she looked like:

Here is the link:

 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/author-discovers-footage-of-50s-housewife-in-lsd-experiment;_ylt=Ap4VOiwZ343Im4WbTM5_Q9.s0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTVkOGlzZ3VjBGFzc2V0A3libG9nX3RoZWxvb2tvdXQvMjAxMTAxMTgvYXV0aG9yLWRpc2NvdmVycy1mb290YWdlLW9mLTUwcy1ob3VzZXdpZmUtaW4tbHNkLWV4cGVyaW1lbnQEY2NvZGUDbW9zdHBvcHVsYXIEY3BvcwM5BHBvcwM2BHB0A2hvbWVfY29rZQRzZWMDeW5faGVhZGxpbmVfbGlzdARzbGsDZm9vdGFnZW9mNTBz

 

I’m not sure what to say.

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Engrish.com

Once again, I owe my “Website of the Week” to my wife, Lori. Here is what happened:

As I sat reading the news and drinking coffee on this bright, clear, crisp Northern California winter Sunday morning,

my wife’s sudden sincere and heart-felt laughter interrupted my peace and tranquility .

I tried to ignore it.  After all, I was in the middle of reading the news on my computer and drinking strong, hot, honey-sweetened coffee on a bright, clear, crisp Northern California winter Sunday morning and the last thing I wanted was for my Wa to be interrupted.

But then it happened like it always happens – my wife came into my office carrying her computer and insisted that I interrupt my sojourn into relaxation. She thrust her MacBook in front of me and gave me no choice but to look at
http://www.engrish.com/
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I’m glad she did. Engrish.com is a website devoted to non-English speakers attempting to communicate with English speaking person through written messages.  The results can be very funny,

but not for the reasons immediately apparent and often presumed.

The lowest form of humor is laughing at someone because they made a mistake.

It is a Schadenfreude that seems to be hardwired into every human. A slip and fall, a pie in the face or a photo of someone who inadvertently wet themselves when riding a particularly frightening rollercoaster will make any human being in the world laugh regardless of race, religion, culture, language, sexual or political orientation, or geographical location.

“Man” isn’t the animal that laughs. “Man” is the animal that laughs at errors, mistakes or misfortune experienced by others.

But that isn’t what makes Engrish.com so entertaining.  It isn’t just the mistakes revealed – which are more than understandable: English is a god-awful language, incredibly difficult to use if you weren’t born into a culture speaking it.

If our non-English speaking cousins have trouble with our highly contextual pastiche doggerel/ Creole /gutter language, then it really isn’t their fault.

They are doing their best, and far better than most of us, who seem to insist they speak English if they wish to communicate rather than us learning to speak their language.

Engrish.com is funny for the mistakes it shows, but is fascinating beyond a mere laugh at the expense of others because it reveals that much of the difficulty is rooted in the inescapable fact that our non-English speaking cousins don’t think the way we do and their values are not the same as ours.

It is what they are trying to communicate more than how they are trying to do it that keeps me reading.  Perhaps it will do the same for you.

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK: Nietzsche Family Circus

I don’t know if this is taking place in any other part of the world, but here in the U.S. of A. virtually every newspaper has featured a daily cartoon entitled “the Family Circus.”  Here is an example:

I hate this cartoon strip.  Please note that I am using the word “hate” in reference to the Family Circus cartoon series.  First, it isn’t funny.  At most, it is merely cute, and cuteness doesn’t sustain any meaningful interest. Second, and more importantly,  the  Family Circus cartoon series represents – and works to reinforce and therefore perpetuate – just about every evil that slowly works to subvert American greatness.  The cartoon strip champions mediocrity.  It laughs at – and accepts – idiocy in thought, attitude and behavior.

The Nietzsche Family Circus pairs randomized Family Circus cartoons with randomized Friedrich Nietzsche quotes, and by doing so, not only is wonderful parody but brilliant and piercing satire, e.g. -

Man is something to be overcome. What have you done to overcome him?

And, from my very limited and idiosyncratic viewpoint, the random parings are also very dada, which, for me, provides added value and elevates the Nietzche Family Circus to art.

Please enjoy:

http://www.losanjealous.com/nfc/

And, as a bonus for my mate, Flinthart, here is a Family Circus cartoon quoting H.P. Lovecraft:

HEADLINE – FRITO-LAY ISSUES DORITOS WARNING

ST LOUIS – The Frito-Lay corporation is warning the public not to eat the new Doritos variety Extra Spicy Nacho Cheese Extreme.

“Look, I said to stay away from those things,” said Eric Paulson, Frito-Lay Vice President, hurrying out of his office with a box stuffed with personal belongings. “It’s not my fault. I didn’t know this would happen. No one could have known,” Paulson said as he ran off.

In response to Frito-Lay’s warning, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) posted the following advisory on the FEMA website:

“Close and lock or barricade all doors and windows.  Close all blinds and/or window coverings.  Turn off all lights.  Move everyone as far from potential threat areas as possible.  Take cover behind heavy furnishings or structures. Stay down.  Do not open doors unless instructed to do so by FEMA or positively identified public safety personnel.

If possible, shut off building ventilation systems. If it is safe to do so, provide first aid and appropriate care for the injured or ill person.  Whenever possible, if blood, vomit, or other bodily fluids are present, avoid contact with these and use appropriate Personal Protective Equipment (gloves, mask, etc.).  Do not move seriously injured people unless movement is necessary to protect them from immediate, life-threatening danger.  Consider the possibility that injured persons may have been contaminated and take appropriate precautionary measures.”

“We will survive this,” said said Janette Hemply, Acting Frito-Lay Board President from an undisclosed location. “We will rebuild.”

“It’s in the trees!  It’s coming!” yelled an unidentified person behind Hemply.

Source:

http://www.walletpop.com/blog/2010/06/15/fake-doritos-coupon-warning-from-frito-lay/

HEADLINE: Montana GOP policy: Male homosexuality illegal

HELENA, Mont. – At a time when gays have been gaining victories across the country, the Republican Party in Montana still wants to make male homosexuality illegal.

The party adopted an official platform in June that keeps a long-held position in support of making homosexual acts illegal, a policy adopted after the Montana Supreme Court struck down such laws in 1997.

However, Montana GOP officials believe that targeting male homosexuality, leaving lesbianism legal, will satisfy social conservatives and prove the party’s tolerance.

“If you read the Bible real careful like, you will see that God doesn’t mention girl-on-girl action at all,” said Track Mannhole, Montana Tea Party spokesperson.  ”God hates fags, not lesbians,” Mannhole concludes.

Perfectly fine.

Biblical scholars agree. “The Biblical prohibition against homosexuality is found only in Leviticus,” observes Krista Schnurstein, Director of Religious Studies at the Sam Houston Institute of Technology. “But only male homosexuality is criminalized and punished by death,” Schnurstein continues. “The writers of the Torah conspicuously left out any mention of female homosexuality from the long list of prohibited activities.  It is almost as if they said ‘sex between men – forbidden; sex between women – no comment.”

"That which is not expressly forbidden is permitted."

 

This conspicuous biblical omission is at the heart of the Montana GOP’s new drive to outlaw male homosexuality. As Mannhole explains “If you think about it, it makes sense that those old prophets would exclude lesbians from the list. Male homosexuality is, well, sort of disgusting, whereas female homosexuality is sort of hot.”

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New Feature! SEARCH TERM OF THE WEEK

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A lot of people visit my site because they googled a search term that directed them here.  Some of these search terms amuse me because I have no idea what I posted that could possibly cause google to pinpoint my blog as a response to the particular search term.

For example, today I had two visitors access my blog because they googled the following phrase:

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“FAT PUBLIC MOUND“

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I know what they are looking for but they are barking up the wrong tree because I have never posted anything even remotely related to that direct or implied subject matter.

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HEADLINE – TESTICLE FESTIVAL HUGE SUCCESTICLE

Photographer: Karen Combs 2010

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OLEAN, MO. – The Olean Festival Commission has declared this year’s Testicle Festival to be most successful testicle festival in the 17 years that Olean has hosted a testicle festival. “Attendance this year broke all prior attendance records,” said Gunther Haas, the primary organizer of this year’s Testicle Festival. “People traveled from as far away as Henley to participate in the testicle themed festivities.”

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Good, clean testicle related fun.

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In addition to the many testicle related food items being offered, this year’s Testicle Festival featured a Testicle Festival Parade, a Testicle Festival Pancake Breakfast, with testicle shaped pancakes and free testicle shaped balloons for the kids, and a testicle eating contest.

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A number of testicle-themed rides and educational exhibits also contributed to this year’s Testicle Festival’s unprecedented success.

“We got a roller-coaster called the Testicle Express that is sure to give a thrill,” said Travis Jode, Honorary Mayor of Olean’s 17^th Annual Testicle Festival. “And for the kids we have a giant testicle you can walk through and learn all about testicles.”

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But the one thing that sets this year’s Testicle Festival apart from all other testicle festivals was the variety of testicles offered for consumption.

“Bull testicles are great,” said Sue Ellen Plavin, this year’s Testicle Queen.

“But you can get bull testicles at any testicle festival.  That’s where we’re different.  At the Olean Testicle Festival you can enjoy all sorts of testicles ranging from goat and sheep and pig and turkey to more exotic testes like squirrel, possum and frog, which I can tell you are simply delicious.  And I hear tell that somewhere around here you can score some kangaroo balls,” Plavin said and smiled. “I bet you can’t get kangaroo ‘nads at the Russelville Testicle Festival. No siree bob.”

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Good, clean testicle related fun.

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WHAT PRICE BALTHAZAR?

Some aspects of Internet based social interaction trouble me. They can and often do bring out the worst in those participating.

In my last posting many of you were kind enough to discuss the concept of “cyber bullying.”  I am hoping your enthusiasm extends to explaining to me what is and what is not a “troll” and how best to respond to one.

I never heard the term “troll” until it was applied to Sweet Jane Says, a regular contributor at Cheeseburger Gothic/, Blunt Instrument and The Geek .  I looked into it and eventually learned that a “troll” is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room or blog, with the primary intent of provoking other users into an emotional response or otherwise disrupts the discussion/conversation.  I’ve seen Jane do this, but I don’t consider her a troll because even her disruptive, off-topic comments that are clearly designed to provoke an emotional response are nevertheless backed up by a keen and penetrating mind.

I believe that, in addition to posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages designed to provoke others into an emotional response, for a person to be a troll their comments must lack any value, which means the troll – to be a troll – must be fairly stupid.

I don’t use the term as an insult.  I am using it to describe a lack of native intelligence that is a necessary condition to say and do things that are meaningful.  There are plenty of fine people in this world who aren’t very smart and they contribute in important ways. But their lack of intelligence bars them from places where those who live beyond their fingertips congregate and socialize. For example, tonight my wife is hosting a group of ladies who meet once a week to discuss films and books. Stupid people are not invited to these events.

The world is full of barriers that discriminate against the stupid and exclude them.  The internet has no such barriers.  The single greatest irony arising from the Internet is that millions of people who have nothing of any value to say have nevertheless found a place to say it.

Which leads me to balthazar.  Balthazar is a troll who haunts Blunt Instrument. Either he is a genius performance artist – which is how I view Jane – or he is just some dumb guy who likes to argue and uses the internet to make himself feel smarter, more powerful and more important than he can possibly reflect in the real world.

My question is whether balthazar is, nevertheless, useful.  It seems that others who post at Blunt Instrument enjoy engaging balthazar – even though they surely know he is an idiot who cannot possibly understand what is really going on. I admit doing it and enjoying it.

But this engagement also encourages him.  Balthazar has created a second persona  – called treeman – that is clearly the same person.  Everyone craves attention, especially the stupid. (Q: What are a bogan’s most common last words?  A: “Hey, mates!  Watch this!”)

So what I think I am getting at is my concern over how Internet communities deal with the equivalent of the village idiot.  Do they engage until some higher power simply gets rid of them? Or is there some other self-regulating mechanism at work?

I am interested in knowing what you think.

A Charming Blogging Experience

I just spent the day – on and off – jumping in and out of a cyber dominance dance that I found very entertaining.

You can find it here. s

The conflict that unfolds is a familiar one:

1)  there is a blog;

2) it has been around for quite some time;

3) there are what I will call “founding members;”

4) there are “new members;”

5) the founding members are accustomed to a certain ebb and flow of conversation that follows more or less specific topics (i.e., “blog traditions”);

6) the new members are unaware of the blog traditions;

7) new member input has caused the mood and style of the blog to drift from the blog traditions towards what looks and feels more like a typical chatroom where multiple independent conversations can and do take place at one time.

Click on the link provided above and watch a founding member thump a new member for the purpose of enforcing blog traditions.

The new member reacted exactly like one would expect: she got upset, fought back, and then abruptly left  - never to return again.

It is sad any time that sort of thing happens, but we’ve all seen this scenario play out over and over again and it is very cliche. It is the equivalent of a child picking up their toys and running home after an altercation at the playground. But the way the blog participants handled it – some ignoring it, some not – including the blog’s host and ultimate authority, is far from cliche.

What do you think?

AND THE WINNER IS….

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I lied. There is no winner. At least not yet.  But there are more choices.

I suddenly realized I don’t like any of the prior choices for my new avatar because they are all people.  People really don’t represent who and/or what I am.  So I’ve searched google images and found what I think are some better candidates for my avatar.

Let me know what you think.  I promise I will choose the one that gets the most votes.

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THE PARENT FILES: FEELING GOOD ABOUT ME

I have three reasons for living. The first is to be a good husband. The second is to be a good father and the third is to be a good citizen. I honestly have no idea if I am any good at any of these things – or, to be more precise, good enough.  But today something happened that made me feel good about being me.

I was driving back from church with my son and we were talking about Time – or, to be more precise, we were talking about how important it is to have a proper relationship with Time.

I was explaining to my son that success – and by “success” I mean living a long life in good health, not missing any meals and being content more often than being dissatisfied – depends in large measure on whether or not a person has a good relationship with Time.

Successful people live in the Past, Present and Future simultaneously. You probably do it but don’t realize it.  When you are confronted with a choice you automatically draw off of past experience, apply information you’ve gathered in the present and then use both Past and Present to anticipate Future consequences of your actions.  The deeper your grasp of the Past – both personal and historical – and the more extensive your Present data gathering, the better you can project into the Future to avoid unpleasant or undesirable consequences.

Most people can’t do this. They cannot remember the past in any meaningful way, they fail to gather data in the Present, which means they cannot anticipate the Future consequences of their actions.

For example, millions of Americans bought items using credit cards today who should not have made those purchases. They don’t remember the purchases they made in the Past, they have failed to gather data in the Present as to whether they can afford to make more purchases on credit, which means they don’t – can’t – understand the dire Future consequences of going deeper into debt.

People who do not integrate the Past, Present and Future have no control over their lives. They are the most likely to lose their jobs during economic bad times. They are the most likely to lose their homes to foreclosure. They are the most likely to eat too much fast food, gain too much weight, develop life-style related diseases and die young.

I don’t want my son to be one of those people. So today I was talking to him about how important it is to gather information – any information – as he goes about his daily life.   I told him that all information could be important and useful. I struggled with the concept, trying to explain it, and then said:

“You never know when the trivial will become pivotal.”

The moment I said that I realized it was pretty cool. Almost like poetry. And I felt like a good father and felt pretty good about being me.

Which I am never comfortable with.  So the next thing I told him was:

“Jews control the media.”

It isn’t true and I don’t believe it, and I know my son won’t believe it, but I don’t want him to get used to me being wise.  I want to ge a good father but I don’t want to work too hard at it, and the less my son expects of me the easier it will be.

REMEMBERING THE 2000 COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE, PART 2

In Part One of this series, we encountered “Hello, Meteor!” – a commercial the Discovery Channel  (TDS) made during the 2000 commercial actors strike.  ”Hello, Meteor!” garnered critical and commercial acclaim.  This success encouraged TDS on to assign more of their non-actor office to star in other commercials, including the now classic “Hello, Mosquito!” shown below.

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REMEMBERING THE 2000 SAG COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE

If you are anything like me, then every so often – when the winter wind blows clean and fresh from the north – you are overcome by nolstagia for the halcyon days of the 2000 Screen Actors Guild Commercial Actors Strike.

Ah, those halcyon days! – when men selling things on television had to do without actors because actors who acted in television commercials wanted more money for their labor, but the major studios wouldn’t give them more money.  And so they went on strike.

Commercials got made and were broadcast without professional acting, and sometimes the results were simply wonderful.

The Discovery Channel used accounting and technical employees to act in a series of commercials that have since become legend, the first of which I feature below.

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AHHH!!!   THE ATMOSPHERE!!!!  AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

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WHAT AMERICANS SOUND LIKE

As I’ve often mentioned (purely as a matter of pretense), I often lecture to non American audiences. With minor exception I lecture in English.

The noted internet social analysis and general media maven, Joseph Bleckman, sent me this link that shows what non English speakers hear when they hear Americans speaking.  It isn’t a very loving or kind parody, but it is pretty funny.

TURKEY DAY

Many of you know, I am an ambivalent American.  I am educated enough to see the apocalypse looming, but not powerful or skilled enough to do anything to stop it.  I see myself perched on the edge of the precipice watching the decline of the American Empire and view my function little different from  a biologist I met who devotes his life to assembling statistics dealing with frog species extinction, realizing that his purpose is to “memorialize the decline” of the earth’s ecosystem.

And when it all seems darkest, then comes American Thanksgiving, the Great American Feast Day, and I remember. I remember where we came from. I remember who we are.  I remember our promise.

More to follow.

DEEP THOUGHTS: UPON MY MORTALITY

As some of you may have noticed, this column has been missing from you local newspaper for the last few months.  Let me tell you why.

I’ve spent my time away trying to put my life in perspective.  I am at that age when the days ahead are fated to be fewer than the days behind.

Younger men don’t worry about time running out.  Boys are always blind to their own mortality and, as a consequence, they rarely think ahead.  Deep down, young men just don’t believe they are ever going to die, and so they live from day to day, moment to moment. They drive fast, live fast, and – like my son – waste huge amounts of time playing video games instead of looking for a job.

But the older a man get, the more he begins to see the world differently.  He tends to begin slowing down when he drives because he knows how easy and suddenly it can all end.  And, more often than not, he begins leaving the turn signal on.

And even if he remembers to turn the turn signal off, he cannot help but realize his time on this earth is limited.  He begins to see himself as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, trapped in the Wicked Witch’s castle as the sands within the big hourglass slowly run out.

Okay, not exactly like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  Older men don’t see themselves as teenage girls.  Some may, but I truly believe that most do not.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with it.  If a guy wants to be a teenage girl from Kansas that’s his business.  But, if so, I certainly hope he keeps it to himself.  Don’t ask, don’t tell. That’s my motto when it comes to such things.

The less said about it the better.

I admit I am being a bit selfish in not wanting to hear about any Dorothy fantasies, but I have enough problems dealing with a sudden sense of encroaching mortality to manage the social awkwardness that would surely follow if any guy I know tells me in confidence that he wishes he was a girl from Kansas who befriended a talking scare crow, a lion and a tin woodsman, whatever that is.  I mean, really, what IS a tin woodsman?  Ever see one?  Not me.

But I digress.  The point is that the older a man gets, the more he sees the days of his life as sands running through an hourglass.  And that is what happened to me.

So as I enter the last phase of my time on this planet, I spent some of that time reevaluating how I spend my time.  After careful reflection, I concluded I use my time poorly – especially the time I spend writing.

Most of what I write is, in all honesty, kind of silly.  For example, just look at my most recent article about homosexuals. Who really cares which homosexuals I favor and which ones I disapprove of – like that awful Rosie O’Donnell?  I mean, seriously, Rosie O’Donnell’s celebrity and resulting wealth is proof that there is something fundamentally wrong with the universe.

Rosie O’Donnell’s mere existence causes me to ask questions I never, ever asked before. Every time I see or hear Rosie O’Donnell I ask myself “what kind of a God would shape reality to include Rosie O’Donnell?  Can a truly loving God do such a thing?  And if so, why?  Why would the Ruler of the Universe say to himself  “I, the Creator of Everything, the Prime Mover, have decided to begin a chain of events that will result in the rise of a really, really annoying lesbian who will, in addition to being fat will also be a slob, and yea, verily, she will have her own talk show.”

I just can’t accept that God would do such a thing. The very concept of Rosie O’Donnell has upset me so much that, out of spiritual desperation, I consulted with my priest, Father Stavros.  I asked him “Father, if God loves us so, why did God send Rosie O’Donnell to live among us?”

Father Stavros is a wise, old man with a long beard and a funny hat.  Well, it looks funny if you aren’t Greek Orthodox.  To us, it looks fine.  But, to those of different faiths, the hats Greek priests wear can look sort of weird and their names can be difficult to pronounce.  I knew a priest named Father Papahartogeorgoudisfylakakopoulos. I felt bad for the guy.

Father Papahartogeorgoudisfylakakopoulos

 

Well, Father Stavros (who’s last name is thankfully easy to pronounce) listened to me and then said “maybe God put Rosie O’Donnell on earth to test the faithful.”

But I digress.  The point I am trying to make is that I have spent the last few months reevaluating my life, and have decided that, if I am going to continue writing this column, I need to concentrate on more important things.  Our world and our nation are facing dark times.  I want to make a difference.

So get ready, People of Earth, for the greatest and most meaningful series of articles you have ever experienced.

I will begin by exploring the hidden wonders and important parables for our times revealed through professional Mexican wrestling.