Archive for the Michele Bachmann Category
On January 20, 2011, when George W. Bush took office as President of the United States, the Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) was at 10,587.60
Bush immediately implemented his economic plans based on right wing ideology, and this had an immediate negative effect on the US economy. For example, on March 20, 2001, the DJIA closed below the previous year’s low for the first time since 1982.
Barack Obama took office on January 20, 2009, and when he did, the DJIA was at 7,365.
As of the date this is posted, the DJIA closed at 13,149.55
Let’s crunch the numbers a bit:
During Bush II, the US economy experienced a steady decline that culminated with a virtual systemic melt down. During Bush’s term in office, the DJIA lost 3,222.6 points.
The Obama years saw, at first, a worsening economic climate, with the DJIA dropping even further. Non partisan economists believe this was due in large measure to the downward momentum from the collapsing economic system Obama inherited from Bush II. However, as of now, during Obama’s term the DJIA has added 5,784.55 points.
The GOP is offering us Mitt Romney to replace Obama. Here is the problem: Mitt Romney is a somewhat stupid rich guy who is out of touch with the real world and who relies on weird economic nonsense born more of ideology than reason.
But we already tried that with Bush II. It didn’t work. Obama, for all his many, many faults, has made it better.
The American people are being asked to try again what didn’t work the first time and to replace a devil we know with a devil we don’t.
The American people will pick the devil they know – warts and all. They won’t believe the shrill screams from the lunatic Right that Obama is responsible for the economic mess he inherited. They won’t believe that he can’t take credit for the recovery we’ve experienced.
That’s all there is to it. Romney cannot win without moderate republican votes like mine, and I won’t vote for a return to the policies of Bush II.
I am going to do what most Americans will do – I will look at the DJIA for a sign of economic health and I will look to see if my SEP retirement fund has recouped the losses it suffered during Bush II.
It has. My retirement fund is in the black again for the first time in years. And I’m feeling a bit more secure and eating out more. Buying that bottle of wine. Taking that short vacation. Not caring quite as much if the lights are left on or not.
I hated living otherwise. I hated being afraid. I remember being afraid that the banking system would crash and the rest would follow. I started wondering if I should hoard black pepper because it might be hard to get when the international trade system collapsed.
I will never forget what that felt like. I won’t jeopardize the positive change that has come – albeit slowly.
The GOP could have given us Jim Christie. The GOP could have embraced Ron Paul. But it didn’t. They found someone as much like George W. Bush as they could.
It isn’t my fault if Romney isn’t a viable candidate.
It isn’t my fault that the GOP did everything it could to keep the economy from improving – and failed.
It infuriates me that keeping the economy bad was their big strategy to being with. It isn’t my fault that the Republican elite is praying – and scheming – for an economic downturn right before the next election. It isn’t my fault that the GOP strategists decided it was a good idea to spread rumors that Obama was born in Kenya and pander to bigotry by spreading the rumor that Obama is Muslim (or “muslin” as they say in the deep red states).
All they had to do was run on Obama’s record – which is really, really bad, – and give us a viable alternative. It isn’t my fault they decided to focus on something else.
I feel bad I cannot vote for Romney. All I am doing is pursing my personal best interests. That is all any American voter should be expected to do. And that is why Romney will lose.
UPDATE: The latest employment figures were disappointing: unemployment dropped, but the number of jobs created was lower thane expected.
Romney wins in November!!!
[In this frankly fictitious interview, Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell talks candidly about the latest attempt by Republicans in the Virginia State legislature to pass a law requiring women who seek an abortion to submit to having a large, long wand shoved up their vaginas as punishment.]
PEOPLE OF EARTH: Let’s cut to the chase, Governor. What the hell is this law that everyone is talking about?
MCDONNELL: I presume you are referring to House Bill 462.
POE: That depends. What does House Bill 462 do?
MCDONNELL: It punishes women who want an abortion by mandating that they first get this big thing shoved up their hoo-has.
POE: That’s the one. How did this happen?
MCDONNELL: Through the democratic process that made our nation – and the great state of Virginia – great. And here is the best part: we got a woman to introduce the bill! Haw haw haw haw!!!
MCDONNELL: How great is that?
POE: Why is that great?
MCDONNELL: Because it is ironic, you moron. Whatsamatter? Don’t you appreciate irony? I bet you went to a public school, huh? Are you Italian? One of them Cath-o- licks?
POE: What does that matter?
MCDONNELL: I take that as a big “yes.”
POE: What exactly does House Bill 462 say?
MCDONNELL: It requires doctors who perform abortions in the first trimester of pregnancy to perform an ultrasound to determine the age of the fetus.
POE: That doesn’t sound so bad.
MCDONNELL: Yeah, well, that’s what we hoped everyone would think, but some nosey Jew liberal found out that the only way to determine the age of a fetus during the first trimester of pregnancy is by performing a transvaginal probe ultrasound.
POE: And what is that exactly?
MCDONNELL: Well, to do it, a doctor or qualified nurse has to shove what looks like a long pole up inside a woman’s lady parts. The pole is called the “transducer.” He he he. Guys around here are now referring to their Johnson as their “transducer” like “hey, Ted, is that a transducer in your pocket or are you thinking about voting for House Bill 462?”
POE: Is there a medical reason for requiring a transvaginal ultrasound?
MCDONNELL: Nope. No medical reason or medical benefit whatsoever. But is sure as hell is gonna make ‘em think twice about getting an abortion, I know that for damned sure.
POE: Can the woman refuse?
MCDONNELL: Nope. If she refuses we throw her in jail along with the doctor who did the operation without first shoving a transducer up her.
POE: So if she wants an abortion she has to first spread her legs for the transducer.
MCDONNELL: Hey, come on. This isn’t virgin territory we are talking about. She wouldn’t be there if she hadn’t had a “transducer” up in there in the first place.
POE: But she has no choice about the procedure.
MCDONNELL: Exactly. Did I mention that the transducer has this bulb at the end? Eh? (Wiggles eyebrows suggestively.)
POE: Forgive me, but the whole thing sounds like state sponsored and mandated rape.
MCDONNELL: Now wait a minute, as a Kath-o-lick you should be 100% in favor of a law that punishes women who want an abortion. Isn’t that what Rick Santorum is all about? Bringing back the moral foundation of the 12th Century when the Pope was in charge, no one was allowed to have any fun and witches were burnt?
POE: I’m not Catholic. I am Greek Orthodox.
MCDONNELL: What the hell is that?
POE: It is the oldest form of Christianity on earth.
MCDONNELL: I sort of doubt that.
MCDONNELL: Because I never heard of it, and that means it probably doesn’t exist. Look, I am unusually well-informed about the customs of mud people and I never heard of no Greek Orthodox Jews.
POE: We were talking about House Bill 462.
MCDONNELL: Oh yeah, the “Stick up the Hoo-ha” bill.
POE: Why isn’t that rape?
MCDONNELL: I am deeply offended by any attempt to compare a transvaginal ultrasound to a TSA airport patdown.
MCDONNELL: I am on record as saying that the full body patdowns the TSA forces you to endure at the airport crosses the line in regards to concerns about privacy and civil liberties.
POE: So you believe that forcibly patting you down at the airport, fully clothed, to make sure you aren’t carrying a weapon violates a person’s privacy and civil liberties?
MCDONNELL: That’s right.
POE: But forcibly inserting a 10 inch wand up a woman’s vagina doesn’t invade her privacy and civil liberties?
POE: I mean no disrespect, Governor, but it sounds like the Virginia legislature has its collective head up its collective ass.
MCDONNELL: So you’re against states’ rights, huh?
POE: States’ rights has nothing to do with it.
MCDONNELL: It sure as hell does. This is another example of Obama trampling on states’ rights.
POE: No one in the Obama administration has said anything about this.
MCDONNELL: Yeah, but he’s thinking about it. I can feel it. He’s got these beady eyes that stare at you. There’s all kinds of bad stuff he wants to do, a whole bunch of rights he wants to take away, but hasn’t talked about. That’s why he can’t be reelected. You know he hates white people, don’t you?
POE: Obama has nothing to do with this. States’ rights has nothing to do with this. This is all about non-consensual, invasive sexual contact.
MCDONNELL: You hit the nail on the head, Paul. And that’s how we’re gonna fix the problem.
POE: I don’t understand.
MCDONNELL: Well, the feminist lesbians, the Jews, the uppity negroes and illegal Mexicans and the liberal media are all upset about House Bill 462 because it forces women to go through a really horrible ordeal if they want an abortion. So we’re changing the law so that it is consensual.
POE: You mean that women will be able to refuse to have the procedure performed?
MCDONNELL: Exactly. The procedure will be performed only on women who want it.
POE: That means the law is dead. No woman will consent to a sexually invasive procedure that has no medical benefit.
MCDONNELL: Not necessarily. There are a lot of freaky women out there. And, as you surely know, women aren’t all that bright. I mean, look at the facts – we got a woman to introduce House Bill 462. Most women aren’t even going to know what a transvaginal ultrasound is. So when someone asks them, “hey, darlin’ how would you like a free transvaginal ultrasound?” I bet 99.9% of the time the woman will say yes, and embarrassment alone will prevent her from saying no once the procedure starts. Heck, we’re thinking of legally changing the name of the procedure to “personality test” or “pedicure.” Heck, they got their feet up anyway. Maybe they’ll think they’re gonna get their toe nails polished.
POE: Why don’t you just buy them dinner afterwards?
MCDONNELL: Hey! That’s a great idea!
POE: No. It isn’t. It isn’t a good idea. Like House Bill 462, it is a very bad idea.
MCDONNELL: You worry too much. Look, if things for the good old boys get too hot, if the public outcry gets too loud, we can always withdraw the bill all together.
POE: You think that will end this?
MCDONNELL: I’m sure of it. Because Americans have short attention spans, short memories and are, more or less, morons – especially in Virginia. God Bless illiteracy and generational poverty. Look – I am clearly a fascist misogynistic ultra right wing sadist. Most of the men in the Virginia legislature are, too. We don’t try to hide it. It is a lifestyle choice. We like it when women feel pain. They deserve it. Heck, they want it.
MCDONNELL: They need to be punished, first, for seducing Adam into eating the Apple of Knowledge and then later for learning to read and agitating for the right to vote and getting jobs outside of the home, which is against the Laws of God. We’ll just tell the stupid woman who introduced House Bill 462 to withdraw it, she will do what she’s told, and, with enough time, all of this will blow over. And we can try it again when no one is looking. We know what kind of Virginia we want. We know what kind of America we want. We want to be able to have all the sex we want without any risk of pregnancy because we can afford to buy birth control, but we want to make sure that poor people can’t because we like hurting them. Fun is for us. Suffering is for everyone else. We know how women should think and behave. And we are going to get it all because we are in charge.
Update at 3:30 p.m. ET: Governor McDonnell said he would sign House Bill 462, The Washington Post reports.
Update at 4:19 p.m. ET: The Virginia House of Delegates has approved a substitute bill that would not fordce women to undergo the invasive transvaginal ultrasound before getting an abortion, the Richmond Times-Dispatch reports. Women could choose to have the transvaginal procedure. The vote in the Republican-controlled House was 65-32.
Update at 5:45 p.m. ET: Virginia State Senator Jill Holtzman Vogel – the Republican senator who sponsored House Bill 462 – now says she plans to withdraw the bill, according to news reports.
This isn’t over. House Bill 462 is a potent symbol of what has gone wrong with the Republican Party, and it will resonate for years to come. And it’s true. The GOP is being “occupied” by political and religious fanatics who are so outside the American mainstream that it is hilarious, but isn’t funny.
They’ve alienated African Americans. They’ve alienated Hispanics. They’ve alienated homosexuals. And now they’ve alienated women as a class. Even those women, and men, who are pro life are horrified that House Bill 462 was even attempted. These kooks have alienated the vast middle of America. And that means it is over for the GOP.
And the gaggle of clowns the GOP has thrust in our faces as an alternative to Obama have drifted away from the message of the economy and smaller government. Instead, they are fighting the culture wars again, focusing on social issues like birth control when jobs are all that should matter. This is a strong sign that even they know they cannot win and are simply pandering to the republican “base” so they can have influence after they lose and make money like Sarah Palin did.
Obama is going to be reelected. Nothing can stop that now. The alternative is simply to horrible to contemplate. And when that happens, the GOP will fragment into smaller parties that fight with each other for the power to go into people’s homes and tell them how to live their personal lives.
Our hope for smaller government is dead. And rightly so. We didn’t provide the American people with a coherent, acceptable alternative.
First, let’s cut to the chase – American conservatives know that Obama is going to win a second term. We show a brave face and display ferocity, but in our hearts we know none of the candidates we are considering in our laughable debate, caucus and primary process have a chance of beating a man who is simply smarter and slicker – and can even sing better – than the best we have to offer.
What we are now forced to choose from, in all honesty, isn’t our best. Our best, like Governor Chris Christie, chose to wait until Obama terms out and it is an open field in 2016. Christie is a brilliant man. If he decided not to run, that has to tell you something.
All of our best decided not to throw their hat in the ring – leaving the field to a bunch of stuttering, stammering clowns and side show freaks. The fact that, for a while, Michele Bachmann and Herman Cain were at the top of the polls showed that something was terribly, terribly wrong.
And that is why American conservatives of all stripes – from snake handlers from Topeka, Kansas, to moderates from Chicago, Illinois – are all coming out in support of Rick Santorum. We’re doing it because it doesn’t make any difference now who we support.
Let’s cut to the chase again – we know Santorum can’t win. He simply has too many negatives. But that is no longer the point.
We are supporting Santorum, first and foremost, because we refuse to be told what to do by an invisible group of men far away – i.e., GOP “insiders” and “establishment.” The GOP power elite are telling us to do what we are told and support Romney because they’ve decided he has the best chance of winning against Obama.
And that may be true, but it is deeply offensive nevertheless. From our point of view, Romney is “Obama Lite” – an insider with no real principals who is willing to say and do just about anything to get elected, someone who is likely to continue the policies of big government that George W. Bush inflicted on us and even get us in another war or two just for the hell of it.
Winning for the sake of winning isn’t enough any more. We want real change. Believe it or not, many of us voted for Obama because he promised us real change. McCain and Palin offered us even more of the same. But Obama didn’t deliver. I don’t care if Bush was responsible for the mess that Obama inherited and I don’t care if the Republicans in the House of Representatives stopped Obama from doing virtually everything he wanted to do: Obama gets the credit and the blame for whatever happens on his watch. That’s America. He gets credit for killing Osama bin Laden. He gets credit for the recent deal negotiated with the big banks for mortgage relief. But he gets the blame for increasing deficits and high unemployment. He gets the blame for keeping government too big, inefficient and corrupt to do its job.
We don’t see that changing if Romney wins. We see him doing what Bush did – cut taxes so his rich friends can get richer and keeping everything else just the way it is. His plan to tax the poor doesn’t impress us. Although it is a good idea to encourage people to work instead of taking government handouts, you need to have jobs for poor people to move into before you pull the rug out from under them, and there aren’t enough jobs for the people currently looking for work. You only make that worse if you force millions of poor people to either work or starve. Only an ultra rich guy totally out of touch with reality would consider such a thing as a good idea.
Even more important to our decision to support Santorum is this “invisible group of power brokers” telling us to support Romney. The GOP elite forget that this is exactly this sort of “rule from beyond” stuff that fermented the American Revolution. Our political ancestors didn’t like being told what to do by a bunch of invisible rich guys in England. We still don’t like it, and resent being told what to do by a different group of invisible rich guys. We are tired of feeling like cattle and being treated like slaves. This is essentially what the Tea Party stands for.
Even though we may disagree with Santorum – and we do (I mean, come on, his ideas about criminalizing sex outside of marriage are just nuts, and I do’t even want to begin talking about him and his wife sleeping with their dead baby) we nevertheless admire him for sticking to his principles. Rick Santorum is many things, many of them unsavory, but he is an honest man. And we crave honesty.
Finally, we love rooting for the underdog. Santorum isn’t a rich man. He doesn’t have the untold millions of dollars Romney has to campaign for president. And Santorum doesn’t have the best election organization money can buy working in all the states to get him elected. Romney is not like us in any way. But Santorum is very much the “common man” raging against the Machine. And that makes him more like us.
So supporting Santorum is the equivalent of conservatives flipping our collective middle finger at the GOP establishment. My vote for Santorum is a protest vote. I know he cannot get elected. But what does it matter now, at this point? Either I support Romney and hate myself just a little for doing it, or I support Santorum and feel good about at least telling the GOP fat cats that they can go fuck themselves.
Or maybe I’ll vote for Ron Paul.
MUNCIE, Indiana – Tea Party darling Michelle Bachmann took time off from her presidential campaign to relax by strolling through a meat locker.
“Nothing clears my head and makes me feel more confident in God’s great plan for me than spending time with a bunch of hanging carcasses,” Bachmann said as she walked among dead cows waiting to be butchered at the Acme International Meat Processing plant just outside of Muncie.
“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” quipped convicted serial killer, Charles Manson, from his cell in Folsom Prision.
[In this frankly fictitious interview, President Barak Obama agrees to sit down with People of Earth and discussed rumors spread by his political opponents in an attempt to demonize him.]
PEOPLE OF EARTH: Mr. President, may I call you “Barak?”
PRESIDENT BARAK OBAMA: Sure. It’s great to be here.
POE: After this interview, can I refer to you as “one of my peeps?”
OBAMA: [Laughs] Why not?
POE: Great. Thanks. Mr. President – Barak – as you know, I write a blog that is read by at least five people, and some of them have concerns about both you and your presidency.
OBAMA: I am happy to answer any questions your readers have.
POE: Let’s start with the claim that you are a socialist.
OBAMA: I suppose I am a socialist.
POE: You’re admitting it just like that?
OBAMA: [Smiling] yes, just like that.
POE: Okay, what about the persistent rumor that you were born in Kenya?
OBAMA: That’s true. I was born in Kenya. My Hawaii birth certificate is a fake.
POE: Doesn’t that disqualify you for the presidency?
OBAMA: I suppose so. Next question.
POE: Um [ shuffling of paper]… there is a persistent rumor that you are a Muslim. Is that true?
OBAMA: It sure is, Paul. Allah akbar, death to America, and all that.
POE: One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – believes you are the Anti-Christ.
POE: That is absolutely true, Paul. First of all, if you read your Bible you will see that I fit the description of the Anti-Christ.
POE: If you are a Muslim, what are you doing reading the Bible?
OBAMA: [Good natured laughter.] Okay, you got me there, Paul. I haven’t actually read the Bible, but I have seen all of the television specials.
POE: Aren’t you worried about admitting all this stuff?
OBAMA: Nope. Not a bit.
POE: Why not?
OBAMA: Because the people spreading these rumors are crazy. I should point out they are kooks. If I am not mistaken, they are a brick short of a load. A combination plate short of a taco. A few clowns short of a circus. They have a screw loose.
POE: Mr. President –
OBAMA: In fact, in some cases, they are a couple of cards short of a full deck. They are two fries short of a happy meal. A few trucks short of a convoy. Five cans sort of a six pack.
POE: What about –
OBAMA: These people are nuttier than a fruitcake. For example, the lights are on but nobody is home. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead. They are knitting with only one needle. They are not firing on all cylinders. They are driving on only three wheels.
POE: Maybe we should -
OBAMA: Look, these are the same people who believe the moon landing was faked and that there is a secret world government using black helicopters to spy on people. My accusers are ten pounds of crazy in a five pound bag, which means no one is going to believe them – even though this time they are right. For example, this happened at a town hall meeting held by a town hall meeting held by a prominent Republican congresman:
POE: That really happened? It wasn’t staged by an internet video comedy group?
OBAMA: It really happened.
POE: That lady sounded crazy.
OBAMA: They all sound, look, smell, walk, talk and breath crazy. No one – and I mean no one – is going to believe them. Here is another example. Do you know who Alan Keyes is?
POE: The crazy black guy who ran against you for senator of Illinois and keeps running for president?
OBAMA: That’s the one. He hired an attorney from California to file lawsuits to get me removed from the presidency because I am foreign born. Here is Keys and his attorney appearing on CNN. Please keep in mind this next video was posted on Youtube by people who want to prove I was born in Kenya:
POE: Keys didn’t sound all that bad.
OBAMA: Granted. But did you see his attorney? Her eyes move around independently like some kind of lizard.
OBAMA: The vid edited out all the times she interrupted everyone else. Her name is Orly Taitz and, as the screens hows, she is a dentist, a real estate agent – and she got her law degree from the – get this – William Howard Taft University in Santa Anna, California, and was admitted to practice law in 2002. So she’s been a practicing attorney for about seven years. According to http://www.obamaconspiracy.org/2009/01/dr-orly-taitz/ she is calling for the the United States military to rise up against me and form a new government:
“Obama “truth” squad and people like Secretary of State of Ohio Jennifer Brunner and all the others that have been collaborating with this Gestapo-SS establishment, they all should and would be tried in Nurenberg style trials for harassing, intimidating, blackmailing and terrorizing fellow citizens, for defrauding the whole country. Patriots of this country didn’t fight and defeat Nazi Germany to end up with Obamas, McCuskill, Soros, Brunner and the rest of this squad. I hope that the men in this country, particularly in our military will finally revolt against this travesty of Justice. If our government and our elected officials and our judiciary have failed us, then it is time for the new government, new elected officials and a new judiciary.”
POE: Mr. President, I admit she seems a bit – unusual – but I don’t see what you are getting at.
OBAMA: My point is – is this the best Keyes can do? I am sure Ms. Taitz is a fine dentist and real estate agent, but she has only been practicing law a few years and, she looks and sounds like she is – let me put it this way: these people could point up and yell “the sky is blue!’ and no one would believe them. So they want to call me a socialist or a communist or the anti-christ? Be my guest. The people trying to prove I wasn’t born here couldn’t have chosen a worse spokesperson to represent them.
POE: Maybe it wasn’t a mistake.
OBAMA: Okay, I’m listening.
POE: Maybe Keyes intentionally chose her because -
OBAMA: [Encouraging] yes?
POE: - because you and Keyes are really working together!
OBAMA: [Smiling and nodding] At this juncture I can neither confirm nor deny that rumor.
POE: But it makes sense and explains so much! Both you and Keys are black. Both of you are from Illinois. Both of you enjoy pasta puttanesca.
OBAMA: We also are both Freemasons.
OBAMA: [Laughing] No, not really.
POE: Are there any rumors out there that bother you?
OBAMA: Well, there is a persistent rumor that I eat puppies.
POE: They accuse me of eating puppies, too!
OBAMA: In my case, though, the rumor is true. I do eat puppies.
POE: So do I!
OBAMA: No kidding. I appreciate that. Okay, in your option, what is the best part?
POE: The front paws, of course. Deep fried.
OBAMA: I prefer the tongue.
POE: Not me. Too chewy.
OBAMA: Not if you cook it right.
POE: Well, that’s about all the time we have. I would like to thank Barak Obama – puppy eating, socialist, foreign born muslim anti-christ – for speaking with us today.
OBAMA: Hey, Paul, how about lunch?
POE: Sure, why not?