Archive for the Money and Power Category

THERE IS A REASON WHY GEORGE BUSH PAINTS HIMSELF IN THE NUDE

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Artists Rights, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Captain America, closeted gay Republican misogynists, космическая девушка, Fashion Forward, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, love, Money and Power, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of Khan, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, פיצה, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة on February 12, 2013 by paulboylan

aasmokie

So I am sitting on the couch in my family room watching my son watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when I comment on the recent news articles revealing that former POTUS George Herbert Walker Bush is an accomplished painter with a penchant for painting himself in the nude.

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Opening Of New U.S. Embassy

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“You mean he stood there looking at himself in a mirror?” My son asked.

“Yes, I suppose he did,” I responded.

After a short silence my son opined:

“Well, that makes sense.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Okay, let’s say you are a former conservative Republican President who likes to paint nudes,” my son says.

“Okay,” I respond. “let’s say that.”

“Well, then your possibilities are limited,” my son concludes.

“How so?” I ask.

“Have you seen Barbara Bush?” my son asks.

“His wife?”

“Yes.”

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Barbara-Bush

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“Oh,” I said, granting the point.

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UPDATE:

I found out later that it is was recently revealed that it is George Bush the Younger (the one who started two long wars but didn’t pay for them and very nearly brought down the global economy), not George Bush the Elder (the one who scoffed at his critics’ complaints that he lacked foresight by referring to it as “that vision thing”) who painted and presumably still paints himself nude.

I didn’t inform my son of my error.  I value any exercise in critical thinking and, based on even invalid data his conclusion was admirable.

And it is very likely that the younger Bush paints himself nude because his daddy did it, too, and the younger Bush is competing with him artistically.

The following photo is of a painting obtained by hackers of the younger Bush’s painting efforts. It is a bit creepy because it is clearly derived from a photograph, which means George has a collaborator who takes pictures of him in the nude:

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The elder Bush was a better president (he fought Gulf War I, neutralized Saddam Hussein without creating a quagmire the US could not exit from).  The odds are the elder Bush is a better painter.

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HEADLINE – 2 ACCIDENTALLY SHOT AT GUN SHOW

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Attorney fees, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, closeted gay Republican misogynists, Cowboys and Aliens, Crazy People, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, fetish, GOP, Headline, Headlines, Human Sacrifice, I am Shiva - the Destroyer of Worlds, I think you are a social parasite but I want you to vote for me anyway, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Legitimate Rape, Money and Power, Monsters, Mordor, Mysterious Mysteries, News, Newtown Massacre, pandemic, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Right Wing, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, totally creepy, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, WILLIAM TODD AKIN, سكارليت جوهانسون with tags , , , , on January 20, 2013 by paulboylan

2 hurt in accidental shooting_edited-2

Bought a gun at a gun show without a background check.

WACO, Texas – 2 people were injured at a gun show, completely baffling gun rights activists.

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Confused redneck

Inbred redneck gun owner contemplating the causes of gun violence.

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“It is a complete mystery to me how on earth these two people could be accidentally shot a gun show,” said Skip Henderson, gun enthusiast, misogynist, homophobe, racist and sociopath.

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Skip Anderson can buy this gun at a gun show without a background check.

Skip Anderson can buy this gun at a gun show without a background check.

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At gun shows Americans – or anyone – can purchase automatic weapons without any background check being conducted.

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“Hello, my name is Joe, and that is my real name.  It is not a made up name.  I am Joe.  And I am interested in purchasing your AK-47 in a cash transaction.  Oooo! are those high-capacity   ammunition magazine clips I see in that bag?”

“Hello, my name is Joe, and that is my real name. It is not a made up name. I am Joe. And I am interested in purchasing your AK-47 in a cash transaction. Oooo! Are those high-capacity ammunition magazine clips I see in that bag?”

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 “I bet Obama snuck in here and shot those 2 people to make gun owners look bad so that he and his Negro Army can come and take away our guns” Henderson said.

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Sneaky Obama

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“Guns are not responsible for these injuries and it is completely irresponsible to imply that guns have any connection to gun violence whatsoever anywhere in the world especially at a gun show,”  said Tripp Wightman, a gun rights activist,”doomsday prepper” and paranoid schizophrenic who buys guns at gun shows without any background checks and makes methane from his own excrement.

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Shooter 1

Mentally unfit to purchase a gun, but passed a background check because no court had ever declared him mentally unfit. So, like hundreds of thousands of people who should not ever own a gun, he was allowed to purchase one. And then he went to a political rally.

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“I will shoot anyone in the head multiple times using a semi automatic weapon with a fucking huge ammo clip,” Wightman said.  “I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought.  Oh yeah, the point I am trying to make is to make it very clear that I will shoot and kill anyone who argues that gun violence – the epidemic of gun violence that is sweeping across our nation and tearing apart the fabric of our society.  Hell, it happened again. I totally lost my train of thought.”

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He purchased two hand guns, a shot gun, and a semi automatic rifle and passed all three background checks. No court had ever declared him mentally unfit. Consequently he was not in the federal database that is used to perform background checks of people buying guns.
After purchasing these guns, he went to the cinema.

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“Where was I?  Oh yeah, I will brutally murder anyone who so much as implies that guns have anything to do with gun violence or attempts in any way to improve mental health care for background checks to prevent someone like me from buying all the guns I want.  And then I will mutilate their bodies.  And if possible, I will sell the body parts – including fluids – to raise money so I can buy more guns.  That is how much I love America.  That is how much I love the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution that protects my rights to own and use weapons that are designed to kill people. Lots and lots of people.  Lots and lots of smelly, anti-American sinners who are building socialist agnostic, atheist, and Catholic robots that steal my luggage, violate my rights and infringe on my personal freedoms,”  said Wightman.

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Shooter to

He bought this gun at a gun show without a background check. And now he is watching your children walk to school.

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“No one loves America more than me.  Or guns,” said Wightman.  “Did I tell you that I make methane from my own poop?  I do it to stop the government from reading my thoughts.”

“The only option I will consider to remedy what is arguably an epidemic of gun related deaths in the United States is  what the NRA proposed, and that is posting armed guards in every school in the country.  But I do not want any taxpayer money to pay for it.  I want these armed guards to be volunteers.”

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Eager to volunteer.

Eager to volunteer.

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 ”In other words, people like me,” Wightman concluded before adjusting the aluminum foil cap covering his head.

aluminum-foil-hat

foil helmet

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GunOwnership

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girl with gun

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palestinian kids with guns

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Gun owners are willing to kill in order to maintain unrestrained access to assault weapons and the lack of background checks for those buying automatic weapons.

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UPDATE: subsequent to the posting of this story,  5 additional people were accidentally shot at gun shows in the United States.

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HEADLINE – ROMNEY STEALS COLBERT’S ‘BETTER TOMORROW, TOMORROW’ JOKE

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, Barry Goldwater, buffo, Early-onset dementia, Headline, Headlines, I am Shiva - the Destroyer of Worlds, kluchtig, lächerlich, Money and Power, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Pandering to the Latino Vote, Paying Attention, Politics, presidential candidate, Stupid People, The Wrath of God, سكارليت جوهانسون on November 6, 2012 by paulboylan

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SANFORD, Fla. – Mitt Romney’s final event in the Sunshine State struck an optimistic tone when he told a white, uneducated crowd of supporters – 90 percent of which are unemployed and have no health insurance – that a “better tomorrow, tomorrow” awaits them.

The enthusiam of the crowd — which chanted “kill the niggers and jews!” — appeared to energize Romney, as he took a detour from his prepared remarks.

“Tomorrow, we begin a new tomorrow,” he said. “We can begin a better tomorrow tomorrow, and with the help of the people in Florida, that’s exactly what’s going to happen tomorrow.”

“Mitt likes the word ‘tomorrow,’” explained Trip Tripperson, a Romney campaign aide. Tripperson immediately added that Romney is a big fan of the broadway musical Annie.

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“That’s my joke, and he stole it,” complained Steven Colbert, a late night comedian, who’s parody super pac has the slogan “Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.”

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“‘Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow’ summarizes the stupidity of the American political process,” Colbert said. “It is the perfect satire of vapid, meaningless political slogans.  How can I continue using that as the slogan for my parody super pac if it becomes an actual vapid, meaningless political slogan said as part of Romney’s attempt to fool people into voting for him?”

“This is a theft of intellectual property, that’s what it is,” Colbert continued. “Romney has diluted my trademarked joke by using it as an actual slogan, hoping to persuade stupid people to vote for him.  He has drained all of the value out of what was a very clever and funny – and very trademarked – joke.”

“Comedy Central’s attorneys will be contacting Romney’s attorneys,” Colbert concluded.

Comedy Central is the cable network that produces and airs the Colbert Report, a satirical parody of conservative pundits like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.

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Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, bacon, bilim adamları, buffo, пицца, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, gülen yüz, health care, I am Shiva - the Destroyer of Worlds, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, lächerlich, Money and Power, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, ученые, pork, public outrage over the waste of public money, Scarlett Johansson naked, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, urinary tract infections, مصارعه, Viva Mitt!!, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, פיצה, سكارليت جوهانسون on October 14, 2012 by paulboylan

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If you haven’t done so yet, visit http://www.marriedtothesea.com.  No matter what your lot in life is, Married to the Sea can only make it better.

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HEADLINE – REPUBLICANS ACCUSE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION OF FAKING JOB NUMBERS

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, closeted gay Republican misogynists, Crazy People, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Illegitimate Rape, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Legitimate Rape, Money and Power, News, neşeli, смешной, photograph, Photography, Politics, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, transvaginal ultrasound sonogram, Viva Mitt!!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 5, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE –  Jack Welch, founder and former CEO of General Electric, Romney surrogate and de facto spokesman for the Republican Party stated that the statistics showing a slow but steady improvement for the national economy have been fabricated by the Obama administration.

“These are unbelievable job numbers,” Welch tweeted. “Chicago guys will do anything… can’t debate so change the numbers.”

Welch’s sentiment reflects a constant Republican complaint about the U.S. economy.  They believe it cannot be improving and must be getting worse.

“These numbers can’t be real,” Welch said. “We did everything we could to ruin the economy. We gave America George Bush and he gave us two wars and huge entitlements that he paid for with money borrowed from China.  He drove the deficit up to astronomical levels.  Obama inherited an economy that simply could not be fixed, and after he was elected, Republicans in congress did everything they could to  stop him from fixing the economy by create jobs.   So numbers showing any improvement must be wrong.”

Others disagree.

“These statistics show what we all know, and that is that the American economy is finally rising out of the dark hole that the Republicans dug for the nation and that President Obama inherited from George Bush,” said Big Bird, a Public Television celebrity. “Obama had an impossible job to do, but now his policies are working.  There is no need to make drastic cuts in public spending, especially funding for Public Television,” Bird said. “So Mitt Romney can go fuck himself.”

During his first Presidential Debate, Republican candidate Mitt Romney refused to say which government programs he would cut, but when pressed he said he would cut funding for Public Television.

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HEADLINE – ROMNEY PANDERS TO MAINLAND CHINESE FOR CAMPAIGN CASH

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Captain America, Cowboys and Aliens, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, космическая девушка, gülen yüz, Geopolitical Insults, good guys and bad guys, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, health care, I think you are a social parasite but I want you to vote for me anyway, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, Money and Power, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Occupy Mordor, photograph, Photography, Politics, Right Wing, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, مصارعه, Viva Mitt!!, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, Wilhelm Reich, טילים, פיצה, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة with tags , , , , , , , on September 27, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE – After declaring China the “main enemy” of the United States and promising to start a trade war if elected, Mitt Romney announced plans to ask  Chinese nationals to contribute money to his campaign.

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“I don’t see anything inconsistent or hypocritical about this at all,” Romney said as he attempted to open a window in his private jet flying to Hong Kong to attend a fund raising dinner. “Darned thing is broken,” Romney complained when he failed to find a handle to “roll down” the jet window.

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“When Mitt was in charge of Bain Capital, he oversaw the export of thousands and thousands of American jobs to China,” said Romney Spokesman Trip Whiteman. “The least they can do is toss some cash at him in repayment,” Whiteman added.

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“I love the Chinese,” Romney said. “They are all the right height.  And their workers are grateful for their jobs, they don’t have health insurance, it is very, very difficult to escape poverty, and they like me – which is what I want for America,” Romney concluded.

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He has a vision.

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HEADLINE – DONALD TRUMP SAYS “VENGEANCE IS A CHRISTIAN VALUE”

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Attorney fees, buffo, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, I am Shiva - the Destroyer of Worlds, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Legitimate Rape, love, Mad Men, Money and Power, Mordor, News, neşeli, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Small Town America, The Matrix, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2012 by paulboylan

 

“Jesus wants me to take vengeance against my hair stylist.”

MUNCIE –   During a speech on Monday at the Lynchburg, Virginia Christian college, Liberty University, Donald Trump gave the assembled Christian students some advice: “Get even.”

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“A few of you may say my advice is anti-Christian. Wrong!” Trump said.

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A student pointed out that Trumps advice conflicts with Christ’s Sermon on the Mount recorded in chapters 5-7 of the Gospel of Matthew, where Jesus tells his followers to reject the Old Testament rules on eye-for-an-eye justice and, if slapped, turn the other cheek rather than retaliate.

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 ”Don’t believe any of that malarky,” Trump responded.  ”Jesus was being misquoted by the liberal media.”

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The liberal media makes Jesus very, very angry.

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“Believe me, the central message of Christianity is “every man for himself” and “always kick a man when he’s down because there is no better time to do it,” Trump said.

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Trump, married three times, then advised the assembled students to get prenuptial agreements before they get married.

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“Jesus wasn’t married and I know why,” Trump said.  ”It is because they didn’t have prenuptial agreements in those days so if you got married you were screwed if you wanted to get out of it, especially if you had a lot of money and the woman seduced you because she wanted your money.  But Jesus avoided all of that by not getting married. I’m not saying he didn’t play the field. He just didn’t get married.  I am absolutely sure that, if Jesus had access to a prenuptial agreement, he would have been married. At least once.”

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Maybe more than once.

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The university has posted a video of Trump’s speech on its website, noting that Chancellor Falwell introduced Trump as ”one of the greatest visionaries of our time.”

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EVEN MORE PROOF THAT MITT ROMNEY SHOULDN’T BE OUR NEXT PRESIDENT

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, GOP, Headline, Hubris, ανόητο άτομα, Money and Power, News, Politics, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Stupid People, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on September 25, 2012 by paulboylan

This is real.

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Here is exactly what Romney said:

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When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, there’s no — and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous.

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This man – who doesn’t know that, if you open a window on an airplane, you and everyone in the aircraft will die – is very likely going to be the next president of the United States.

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“I know there is a airplane around here somewhere….”

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“Hey, look at that! All the people look like ants!”

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HEADLINE – STUDY SHOWS ORGANIC FOOD NO HEALTHIER THAN NON-ORGANIC

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, bacon, Food, Getting it Right, Headline, Headlines, health care, Human Sacrifice, I am Shiva - the Destroyer of Worlds, ανόητο άτομα, Money and Power, morbid obesity, News, скарлетт йоханссон, photograph, Photography, Politics, pork, Research and Development, Scarlett Johansson naked, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God on September 22, 2012 by paulboylan

(Reuters Health) – Organic produce and meat typically isn’t any better for you than conventional varieties when it comes to vitamin and nutrient content, according to a new study from Stanford University sponsored by corporations supporting chemical companies.

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Where food comes from.

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“I knew that there or-ganic stuff was a lie,” said Skip Henderson, a morbidly obese registered Republican welfare recipient without health insurance suffering from type 2 diabetes. “It don’t say nothin’ about no or-ganic food in the consitution or the bible,” Henderson added before devouring a triple patty extra cheese cheeseburger topped with bacon, ham and onion rings (described with approval in Leviticus).

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Skip Henderson and his little friend.

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“You can pay more for ‘organic’ food at some hippy farmers market, but why do that when it costs less to buy chemically enhanced food at your local supermarket that, due to the magic of preservatives, won’t spoil for years and years and years?” said Dr. Ernst Henderson, a spokesman for Cargil, a corporate food giant that co-sponsored the Stanford Study.

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Ernst Henderson

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“Organic food is a fraud,” said Henry Henderson, Junior Vice President of Goldman Sachs, an international investment firm with strong ties to the chemical industry that also co-sponsored the Stanford Study. “The study we paid for concluded that there is nothing wrong with eating foods rich in pesticides, preservatives, manufactured sugars, fats and other chemical additives that have been linked to cancer, obesity, diabetes, an increase in infant mortality and a decrease in life expectancy.”

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Henry Henderson

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“But here is the important thing to remember,” Henderson added.  ”The studies that concluded the chemicals our clients produce and sell at obscene profits, these studies weren’t paid for by the chemical industry or corporations with chemical industry ties, so those studies were unfair, anti-American and probably socialist.”

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Anti-American Socialists.

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“Let’s face it,” said Karen Henderson, a spokesperson for the Monsanto Corporation, “people who buy organic food and don’t buy industrially processed foods rich in chemical bonus materials, these people hate capitalism.” Henderson said.

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Pretending to engage in open market commerce.

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Skip Henderson agreed. “The liberal commies won’t let folks buy super large servings of soda!  What happened to freedom?  I say it is my right as an American to eat whatever I want as often as I want and as much as I want even if it is bad for me.  You can’t make me eat any commie organic food!”

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THE BEGINNING OF THE END FOR MITT ROMNEY

Posted in disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Geopolitical Insults, GOP, Hubris, Legitimate Rape, Money and Power, Op Ed, presidential candidate, Right Wing, Small Town America, Tea Party, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, טילים on September 15, 2012 by paulboylan

I’ve made no secret of my opinion that Mitt Romney is the wrong man at the right time to run for POTUS.  The time is definitely right: Obama should be easily defeated.  He is an unpopular president serving during a severe economic crisis that really hasn’t improved enough to get him re-elected.  Only Franklin Delano Roosevelt succeeded in obtaining a second term under similar circumstances, and Obama is no Roosevelt.

So the time is right.  But Romney is the wrong man.  I don’t agree with Rick Santorum on much, but I agree with him when he stated during those ridiculous GOP debates that Romney ”is the worst Republican in the country to put up against Barack Obama.”

Santorum knew what we all now know – that Romney is a political opportunist: a rich guy who dabbles in politics as a hobby, who doesn’t really believe in anything and is willing to say anything and do anything to get elected. A recent example of how far Mitt Romney is willing to debase himself to get votes is his recent admissionhthat he admires Snooky.l

And he isn’t really all that smart.   He makes George W. Bush look like a genius.  Let me give you just one example. Here is something Romney said at a campaign rally:

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This quote is worth repeating just so there is no doubt about just how stupid it is:

“I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that is the America millions of Americans believe in.”

This statement is a whole lot more perplexing than anything Bush ever said, including the Bush line about “how hard it is to put food on your family.”  That was a slip of the tongue.  Romney’s  circular and nonsensical statement about what he believes was not a slip of the tongue: it was an example of what is going on inside of Romney’s head.

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[Look at it this way:  John McCain had a choice between Romney and Sarah Palin for his running mate, and he chose Palin. Does that tell you anything?]

Santorum realized this about Romney.  I knew it.  Others did, too.  Yet Romney won the nomination.

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Why? Because he does best when he faces no competition.  His opponents dropped out of the primary races because they couldn’t compete with Romney’s ability to put out pre-vote advertising.  Romney won the nomination because he was able to outspend his impoverished competitors – which is exactly the way he made money buying and breaking up smaller companies when he ran Bain Capital.  He won from a position of overwhelming financial advantage (the story of his life).

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More importantly, Romney won the nomination because he had the support of right wing media and news outlets like Fox News that habitually overlooked and even excused his failings.

Those two conditions have changed. Romney is now facing vigorous competition. He is losing because he is no longer the richest guy in the race.  Obama’s money machine is generating as much if not more than Romney – even though Romney is getting huge donations from billionaires.  So Obama can match Romney’s political advertising.

And the support he received from right wing media is beginning to crumble.  Joe Scarborough is an extremely conservative Fox News pundit who has, in the past, been one of Romney’s chief apologists.  Not anymore.  When Mitt Romney tried to politicize the deaths of American diplomats in Libya by criticizing Obama’s response as being too soft, for “sympathizing with terrorists” by refusing to link Islam with terror, Scarborough said:

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And when Romney made matters worse by doubling down on his criticism of Obama’s handling of the murders, Scarborough said:

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This is the sign of a sea change. It is the beginning of the popular recognition that, even if Romney could win, he doesn’t deserve to win.

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And when other right wing news outlets like the Washington Times and the Wall Street Journal find the courage to say the same thing, Romney’s candidacy is doomed.

Americans are fairly sure they want to replace Obama.  But we are increasingly convinced we don’t want to hire Romney as Obama’s replacement.  A large majority of Americans believe Obama hasn’t done a good job.  But we are not prepared to fire him and hire the one guy who is applying for the position.

Hating Obama is no longer enough.  ”Anybody but Obama” is no longer a viable political slogan.  The character and intelligence of the man who replaces him matters, and Romney’s character and intelligence are not up to the task.

It is a mistake to back this man.  Doing so will end up destroying the GOP.  I do mean destroy.  If Republicans continue to support Romney, and he loses (which is likely) the GOP will break apart into smaller “rump” political parties.

This political season has been a disaster. We need to accept that. Like Romney, doubling down on a losing bet is just plain stupid. Republicans need to concentrate on keeping the House of Representatives and winning a majority in the Senate – and reform the internal mechanisms of the GOP to make sure that, in the next election, the GOP fields a viable candidate.

A Flagrant Violation of Copyright

Posted in Fair Use, Fiction, good guys and bad guys, Illegitimate Rape, Legitimate Rape, Money and Power, Monsters, Mordor, Parody, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, presidential candidate, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Scarlett Johansson naked, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, مصارعه on August 22, 2012 by paulboylan

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video_subtitles.html

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In the original, didn’t the idealistic good guys all die in the end?

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH WILLIAM TODD AKIN

Posted in American Decline, GOP, Headline, Headlines, Illegitimate Rape, Legitimate Rape, Money and Power, Mordor, News, Paying Attention, Politics, Rape, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, The Wrath of God, transvaginal ultrasound sonogram, WILLIAM TODD AKIN on August 19, 2012 by paulboylan

U.S. Congressman William Todd Akin

[William Todd Akin is the U.S. Representative for Missouri's 2nd congressional district, and has served in congress since 2001. He is a member of the Republican Party. He is a "pro life" politician, opposing abortion for any reason or under any circumstances other than "forceable rape."  Akin recently stated that it is "really rare" for women who are the victims of "legitimate rape"to become pregnant. In this frankly fictitious interview, Congressman Akin explains his argument.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Congressman Akin, thank you for agreeing to speak with us today.

WILLIAM TODD AKIN: My pleasure, Paul.

POE: Let’s cut to the chase: the Internet is abuzz with reports that you recently stated that women who are raped don’t get pregnant.

AKIN: Well, that’s not true, Paul. I did not say that women who are raped never get pregnant. I said that, when women are legitimately raped, they tend not to get pregnant because the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down.

POE:  Sort of a “Jedi uterus trick?”

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“These aren’t the rapists you are looking for…”

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AKIN:  Conservative Republicans prefer to call it “God’s little protective shield.”

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POE: But this shield only works in cases of  ”legitimate rape?”

AKIN:  Exactly.

POE: When is a rape illegitimate?

AKIN:  An illegitimate rape happens when a woman asks for it, Paul. For instance, if she wears a sexy dress, or puts on lipstick, or leaves the house. When that happens, the woman who claims she was raped bears some responsibility for what happened, and that means she wanted it, so it isn’t really a rape, is it?

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POE: Let me see if I understand your argument. Are you saying that, if a woman gets pregnant, she wasn’t raped?

AKIN: Yep. That’s what I’m saying. When a woman is raped, her body magically rejects the sperm of the rapist, preventing pregnancy. But if she wanted it or enjoys the experience, then she will get pregnant. *

POE:  So you are saying that if a woman gets pregnant, her pregnancy is proof she wasn’t raped?

AKIN:  Exactly.  Yes.  Praise God.

POE:  What about the idea that no means no?

AKIN:  Well, son, take my word for it – sometimes no means yes.  Heck, if a young fella couldn’t have any fun unless a woman gives him permission, then our race would die out.  And if she gets pregnant then that is proof she changed her mind, isn’t it?

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POE: I think that’s one of the most antediluvian, backward, repugnant things I have ever heard in my life – and I’ve heard a lot of antediluvian, backward repugnant things.

AKIN: I didn’t understand a lot of those words, Paul, so I interpret what you said as disrespecting my Christian values.  Jesus hated women, Paul.  It’s right there in the Bible.  I believe that a woman’s place is in the home, and if she leaves her home – especially without a male escort – then she has no one but herself to blame for what happens next.

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AKIN: And even if she didn’t ask for it, and she gets pregnant, it would be wrong to punish the child for the mistake she made.

POE:  The mistake of going outside without a man to protect her?

AKIN:  Exactly.

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POE: You’re a candidate for the United States Senate, right?

AKIN: Yep.

POE: How are you doing?

AKIN: I’m way ahead of my Democrat opponent in the polls.

POE: And the people of Missouri know your views on legitimate and illegitimate rape?

AKIN: They sure do. **

POE: Then God help us all.

AKIN: No, Paul. God is not going to help all of us.  He is going to help conservative, God fearing Republicans like me regain control of our government, bring back the America we want, and wipe the liberal communist socialist slime off of our great nation by putting women, minorities, homosexuals, liberals and miscegenists back in their place.  Oh yeah, and He is going to help us get rid of all those immigrants, too.  Mud people, Paul. I’m talking about mud people.

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*  The “legitimate/illegitimate” rape distinction is virtually identical to the medieval English belief that a woman could not get pregnant unless she enjoyed having sex with a man.  More specifically:

Misunderstandings of medieval medical men abound on the topic of pregnancy, and by extension, rape. Inspired by the Classical physician Galen, medieval medicine taught that women could only get pregnant if they had derived pleasure from the sex—and not mere pleasure, either; in order to conceive a woman would have to reach orgasm. There may be a small kernel of logic to this assumption, considering that medieval medicine understood women’s bodies in large part only though comparison to the bodies of men. In most cases, a man can only impregnate a woman if he ejaculates, which by definition means orgasm. Centuries later, science and psychology is still trying to understand the female orgasm. But one thing modern science can say without any doubt is that there is no link between a woman’s orgasm and her ability to become pregnant. The medieval belief that this link existed was the cause of great distress for many medieval Englishwomen who were victims of rape. If a woman can only conceive a child after having experienced orgasm, then all pregnant women enjoyed the sex that got them pregnant…and therefore the sex could not have been rape.

See  http://cold-wombs-and-fatal-motherhood-womens-sexual-safety

Social conservatives who use the GOP as a platform to correct the errors of social programs consider this exact argument as scientific evidence that a woman who is actually and truly raped cannot get pregnant.  A social conservative pundit, Peter Cornswalled, summarizes the argument as follows:

It is not possible for a woman who is actually raped to become pregnant. A woman who becomes pregnant must have had a moment of issue, meaning she enjoyed what happened. Regardless of how the encounter began, by achieving a moment of issue the woman has consented to all that went before. The act of becoming pregnant is, due to the biology with which God gifted us, proof that the woman was not raped.

See http://petercornswalled.blogspot.com/2012/03/myth-of-rape-pregnancies.html

Vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan co-sponsored a bill in congress outlawing all forms of abortion except for pregnancies resulting from “forceable rape.”  The “forceable rape” versus “non forceable rape” distinction mirrors the medieval concept described above – i.e., Ryan and Akin believe that rape is an awful, violent experience that no woman could take pleasure from – which means a raped woman cannot get pregnant. But a woman who gets pregnant after sex must have enjoyed the experience and therefore wasn’t raped.

** CNNPolitics reports: “Akin was one of the first members of Congress to join the Tea Party Caucus in 2010 and has easily won re-election in recent years. The lawmaker has raised a notable $2.2 million this cycle, as of July 18.”

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She’ll be put back in her place real soon.

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HEADLINE – Questioning Romney Tax History Irresponsible, says Fox News

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, GOP, Headline, Headlines, lächerlich, Money and Power, News, photograph, Photography, Politics, Right Wing, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, transvaginal ultrasound sonogram, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, zombies, سياسة with tags , , , , , on August 3, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE Indiana – Fox News pundit Sean Hannity is questioning those who question Mitt Romney on his history of paying no taxes.

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Sean Hannity

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“Those questions are irresponsible,” Hannity said on Thursday.

“People who want to know if I ever paid any taxes are probably poor.”

Senate minority leader Harry Reid recently charged that sources inside Bain Capital, the private equity firm Romney ran, confirm that for as much as ten years Mitt Romney paid the equivalent of no taxes.

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“It feels GREAT to be filthy rich and not pay any taxes!”

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“That’s zero taxes,” Said Reid. “Zero taxes paid by a rich guy who says that if he is elected president he will cut taxes for the rich even farther than they are right now.”

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“If I am elected president, not only will rich people pay no taxes, everyone else will have to give them money! Big smelly piles of it! And I will also bomb Iran.”

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Romney’s return from his ill-fated European campaign trip was dogged by reporters yelling questions at him about Reid’s charges.

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“IT great to be in England. Did I mention that I think your Olympic games suck? Hey, what smells funny?”

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“Hey, Romney!”  a reporter yelled. “How many years did you pay zero tax?”

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“You want me to remember? Only poor people need a memory. People like me hire accountants to remember that stuff for us.”

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“That reporter ‘s question was totally irresponsible!” Hannity yelled at a group of immigrants.  ”And any questions about his time as governor of Massachusetts are irresponsible.”

“Hey, did I tell you about that great health care system I started when I was governor? It is exactly Like President Obama’s health care system and it worked great. But I am totally against President Obama’s health care system, and if I am elected president I will get rid of it on day one of my presidency. I know that sounds contradictory, but so what? Enough voters won’t notice or won’t care to get me elected!”

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“And so are questions about Bain Capital firing workers and giving their jobs to people in other countries.  And it is totally irresponsible to ask questions about the gay kids Romney bullied when he was in high school. “

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“Hold him down, boys!”

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“Or his views on Jews being hard workers and Palestinians being lazy. Questions about that stuff are irresponsible, too.”

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“Hey, its great to be here in Jerusalem talking to a bunch of hard working, thrifty Jews. I love Jews. They are all the right height. I have a joke: how many culturally inferior Palestinians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100! See, they are so lazy that it takes a bunch of them to do something even one thrifty, hardworking Jew could do. Did I say how great it is to be here talking to a bunch of Jews? Did I mention that if I am elected president I start a war with Iran?”

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When asked what questions would be responsible, Mr. Hannity said “Any question about whether Barak Obama is a half breed muslim.”

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“Or trees. Trees in Michigan. How the trees in Michigan are the right height,” Hannity concluded.

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On the other hand, Mitt hates the trees in Minnesota. They are NOT the right height.

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OBAMA VS ROMNEY – THE TRUE DIFFERENCE

Posted in Avatar, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, good guys and bad guys, GOP, health care, Hubris, Human Sacrifice, Money and Power, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, presidential candidate, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Religion and Politics, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of Khan, USA! USA! USA!, سياسة on July 17, 2012 by paulboylan

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I’m betting on the Professor.  For obvious reasons.

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HEADLINE – WHAT IS ROMNEY HIDING BY WITHHOLDING HIS TAX RETURNS?

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Brave New World, closeted gay Republican misogynists, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, GOP, Grim Fairy Tales, Headline, Headlines, health care, I am Shiva - the Destroyer of Worlds, lächerlich, Money and Power, Monsters, News, Occupy Mordor, photograph, Photography, Politics, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, The Great State of Montana!, The Matrix, The Wrath of God, totally creepy, transvaginal ultrasound sonogram, USA! USA! USA!, zombies, سياسة on July 10, 2012 by paulboylan

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Money.

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He’s hiding money.

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Lots and lots of money.

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A shit load of money.

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So much money he can play with it – literally.

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Enough money for Romney to buy another small country.

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Ours.

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BONUS PICS: 

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CLICK ON IMAGES FOR LARGER TEXT

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Most Americans Oppose Obama’s Health Care Reforms, but Likes What it Does

Posted in American Decline, Corruption, Crazy People, пицца, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, GOP, Headline, Headlines, health care, Human Sacrifice, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Mad Men, Money and Power, Mordor, News, Politics, presidential candidate, Pycho-Social Trauma, Racism in America, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Science, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, transvaginal ultrasound sonogram, USA! USA! USA!, פיצה, سياسة policy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 24, 2012 by paulboylan

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No joke: it’s real -

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A Reuters/Ipsos poll showed on Sunday that most Americans oppose President Barack Obama’s healthcare reform even though they strongly support its provisions.

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Medicare is a government run health care program.

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This seems, well, sort of stupid, if not crazy, so People of Earth: Attention located an average American to interview and find out what is going on.

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The average American voter.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Thank you for speaking with me today to clear up how you, the average American voter, feels about President Obama’s reforms of the American medical care system.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  It’s simple, Paul.  Like most Americans, I vehemently oppose the President’s plan while strongly supporting the reforms within that plan.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Let me ask you a different question.  Do you like cheese?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: I love cheese.

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Loves cheese.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Do you like mozzarella?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  You bet. I love mozzarella.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Do you like tomato sauce?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  I sure do.

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Loves tomato sauce.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Do you like dough that can be baked into a crust?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  You mean like pizza crust?

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Yes. Like pizza crust.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  I can eat it all day.

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Likes pizza crust.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Great. Do you like mozzarella cheese pizza?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  No, I do not.

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Does not like cheese pizza.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Why not?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Because I am sick and tired of the government shoving pizza down my throat.  And a black man made that pizza.  It doesn’t taste right. It doesn’t taste American.  It tastes Kenyan. I bet there is dog on that pizza.  I heard it on Fox News.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Perhaps your opposition has something to do with the spices used to prepare the pizza.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  I don’t believe in spices. Like global climate change.  Spices aren’t expressly described in the Bible or the U.S. Constitution, so spices don’t exist.  Especially garlic.

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Doesn’t believe in garlic.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Garlic doesn’t exist?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Nope.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  I think there was some in the salad I ate for lunch.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  No there wasn’t.  Garlic doesn’t exist.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  But I ate some.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  No you didn’t.  Look, do you see the word “garlic” used in the Bible or the Constitution?

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Has never read the Bible or the Constitution, but believes in their infallibility.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  No.  I don’t think the American Founding Fathers discussed garlic.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Well, there you go. I proved it doesn’t exist.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  But I ate some.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: So?

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Solvitur ambulando.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Huh?

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Doesn’t know that was Latin.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:   Nothing. Thank you. I have no further questions.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Any time, Paul.  We’re about to sit down to dinner. Would you like to join us?

PEOPLE OF EARTH: What are you serving?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Mozzarella cheese on a baked crust with tomato sauce.  My favorite.

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Loves cheese and tomato sauce backed onto a bread-like crust, but hates pizza because he heard bad things about it on Fox News.

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Postscript:

Global climate change is causing rising sea levels that are causing the erosion of coastline in those American states with ocean borders.  The State of Virgina is one of them – the same state with a Republican majority intending to pass a law that requires any woman seeking an abortion to have ahtransvaginal ultrasound/prior to obtaining an abortion.

Virginia’s beaches are eroding, and there is a bill in the Virginia legislature that seeks funds to study how to best address the changing sea levels and their effect on Virginia’s Atlanatic coastline.  However, prominent Republicans refused to support the bill because they do not believe in global climate change or “changing sea levels,”  but the bill obtained their support when the bill’s author amended the bill to replace the phrase with “persistent flooding.”   http://hamptonroads.com/2012/06/lawmakers-avoid-buzzwords-climate-change-bills 

God bless America and save us from the dark madness that is sweeping across out once great nation.

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Is fascinated by shiny objects and collects string – AND he votes!


HEADLINE – Michigan woman censored for saying “vagina.”

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Antique surgical instruments, Australia, Barry Goldwater, Bigotry in America, closeted gay Republican misogynists, Dogs, Evil Smiley Face, fetish, GOP, Grim Fairy Tales, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, health care, Hubris, Human Sacrifice, ανόητο άτομα, Money and Power, Mordor, News, pandemic, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Small Town America, Stupid People, Tea Party, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, totally creepy, transvaginal ultrasound sonogram, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 16, 2012 by paulboylan

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DETROIT – A Michigan lawmaker has been banned from speaking on the House floor after saying the word “vagina” while debating a Republican sponsored bill that would strictly restrict abortion rights in the state.

“I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina,” Rep. Lisa Brown said, addressing the Speaker of the House, “but ‘no’ means ‘no.’”

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Brown was gaveled into silence by House Speaker James Bolger (R-Bumfuck) for “violating the decorum of the House.”  Brown was then barred from speaking during the debate about a school employee retirement bill because she used the “V-word” in an unrelated debate.

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James Bolger

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“Listen, silly, even the concept of a vagina is offensive and is probably an anti-American commie liberal socialist secular humanist plot,” Bolger said.  “Like global warming and a deserving poor person, I don’t think it exists. I married  two women, not at the same time of course – so there is no way I could be gay – and I never found either of my wives’ vaginas, and I tried terribly, terribly hard for years,” Bolger said before explaining how fabulous  Joan Crawford, Judy Garland and musical theater is.

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“I think I saw one over there.”

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“Seriously. Years,” said Bolger’s second wife, Charlene. “I did everything I could think of to help James locate my vagina, but he just can’t get past his fear that girls have ‘cooties.’”

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“If girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, then why do they smell like sardines?” whispered conservative Republican former Senator Larry Craig (married, with children) on the Senate floor during a debate to defund Planned Parenthood a few months prior to being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a men’s bathroom. Senator Craig didn’t realize the microphone was on when he whispered his joke to a fellow conservative Republican Bob Allen.

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“I haven’t worn underwear since 1978 and I have a big red arrow painted on my abdomen pointed down. Nothing seems to help,”Charlene added.

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Bolger’s first wife, Betty, agrees. “Jim doesn’t know anything about vaginas. On our wedding night he burst into tears, locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out until I promised to “put that thing away.”

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For many Republicans the “V word” issue is less about abysmal sexual ignorance, misogyny or covert homosexuality, and more about returning America to a better time before non-whites “ruined everything.”

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“Fair is fair. If I can’t say nigger then you can’t say vagina, okay?” said Republican political strategist, Baptist minister, Holocaust denier and high school drop out Trip Tripperson.

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Trip Tripperson

“You let me call negroes niggers again, and Mexicans wet backs, and Asians gooks, and the mentally handicapped morons, and homos faggots, and women bitches and cunts –  just like God intended – and I’ll let you call beavers vaginas.  I want my country back, okay? Where’s the birth certificate?? Where’s the birth certificate??!!!” Tripperson shouted in presumed support for Republican sponsored legislation requiring women to post nude photos of themselves in fetish poses on “Christian D/s lifestyle” websites before obtaining an abortion.

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Ron Severstone – the sole remaining moderate Republican – suggests a possible compromise. 

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Ron Severstone

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“There are plenty of ways white men can effectively discuss the plan to turn back the clock and utterly dominate the sex lives of women without offending the lunatic fringe that has taken over the GOP,” Severstone said, a Republican politician who will soon be accused of “hating America” for offering to compromise with “satan worshiping baby killers.”

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“For example, we can call it ‘the hoo ha’ or “the bad thing” or “the otter’s pocket” or – my personal favorite – ‘the lady cave,” Sevestone suggested before running for his life.

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Still others simply view this recent kerfuffle as part of an ongoing process. “History has shown that, when male dominated societies wants to control women, they make sure that women’s bodies are considered obscene as part of reducing a woman’s status to that of a servant and  as property, rather than as a person,” said Professor Judith Holmes.

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 “That is what is essentially happening now.  And, to be brutally honest, it’s working,” Professor Holmes said just before renouncing her American citizenship and emigrating to Australia.

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Prof. Judith Holmes

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The anti-abortion law passed in the House 70-39, with all Republicans voting in favor of it. The legislation now goes to the Senate and is expected to pass with only democrats voting against it.

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THE NEW SOCCER MOMS

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Bigotry in America, Crime and Punishment, GOP, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Money and Power, Mordor, News, Newt Gingrich, Op Ed, photograph, Photography, Politics, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, Uncategorized on May 12, 2012 by paulboylan


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The American political world is abuzz withhnewsnthat, when Mitt Romney was attending a private preparatory school in Michigan during the time his father was Governor, he lead a mob who chased down a gay boy and held him down while Romney personally used a pair of scissors to cut off the gay boy’s hair.

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Romney first denied the story. When it was corroborated, he said he didn’t remember it happening.  When even more witnesses came forward to support the story, Romney said that he doesn’t remember this particular incident, but that he participated in lots of pranks and engaged in youthful hijinks when he was in high school, he is sorry if he offended anyone, and if it happened he didn’t know the boy was gay.

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The Original Prankster

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Romney supporters have attempted to brush the news story off as a “hit piece” designed to distract the American electorate away from the issue of Obama’s failed presidency and substitute it with the issue of gay rights.  They may be right.  It is an amazing coincidence that, right after Obama publicly declares his support for same sex marriage, it is revealed that Romney was a gay-basher in high school.

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However, despite the very best efforts of the Romney camp to refocus on economic issues, this story just won’t go away.  It is increasingly resonating with the electorate in a way no one could have anticipated. The reason for this resonance is simple: either Romney really doesn’t remember the event or he is lying about it, and either option is troubling to the American voter.

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Let’s not sugarcoat the incident. What Romney did wasn’t a “prank” and it wasn’t “high jinks” (as Romney himself tries to describe it).  Leading a pack of boys that hunted down, subdued and then forcibly cut off the hair of another boy who was “different” with a pair of scissors was an assault, a battery and a hate crime.  This is a graphic example of bullying in its most pure, most evil and most damaging sense. The fact that Romney lead the mob and actually committed the act makes it worse. 

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Imagine it happening to you.  Imagine you running, scared, being knocked down by a gang of boys, held down so you cannot move, while one of them sits on top of your chest and cuts off your hair “in large clumps” as one of the witnesses to the incident describes.  Imagine yelling for help and crying as you look up into the face of a young Mitt Romney grinning down at you and most likely laughing.

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 I’ve imagined this and it is terrifying.  I’ve been bullied when I was younger, but nothing this bad happened to me.

Let’s contrast Romney’s attempt to laugh off the incident with something from Obama’s past that Romney supporters point to as evidence that, if Romney was a bully, that Obama was a bigger bully.  In Obama’s autobiography Dreams of my Father he describes an event from his early childhood when he pushed a girl. Here is what he writes:

 Before my arrival she had been the only black person in our grade. She was plump and dark and didn’t seem to have many friends.  I ran up to Coretta and gave her a slight shove.  She staggered back and looked up at me, but still said nothing.  ‘Leave me alone,’ I shouted again.  And suddenly Coretta was running, faster and faster until she disappeared from sight.  Appreciative laughs rose around me.  For the rest of the afternoon I was haunted by the look on Coretta’s face.

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Any moron can compare what Romney did with what Obama did and see the differences between the two events.  Obama isn’t denying what he did, excusing it or attempting to trivialize it. He is “owning it” and is ashamed.

Romney, on the other hand, attempted to hide it, when discovered tried to deny it, when proven tried to trivialize it as a simple prank not worthy of even remembering.

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This was an event worthy of remembering, so Romney is probably lying when he says he doesn’t remember, and if he is lying, well, Americans don’t like liars. 

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We joke about politicians lying, but we get upset when they get caught doing it. Scooter Libby wasn’t prosecuted for revealing the name of a covert CIA operative; he was prosecuted for lying about doing it. Bill Clinton wasn’t impeached because he had sex with a chubby intern – he was impeached because he lied about it.  If he had come clean when he was caught the odds are the American public would have forgiven him. 

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So Romney is lying about not remembering that he chased down a gay student, held him down and cut off his hair displays a character flaw that troubles the average American voter and only serves to reinforce the uneasy feeling they have about him.  The Democrats say he is willing to change his position and “flip-flop” to get elected, and Romney’s lying about what he remembers only reinforced that perception.

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The average American voter, on the other hand, does not believe the same thing about Obama. Sure, right wing lunatics shout, scream and froth at the mouth about Obama’s duplicity, but the average person doesn’t see it. They view Obama as a basically honesty guy, and his “owning up” to his own bullying incidents reinforce that favorable view – and this means that undecided voters are now more likely to choose Obama over Romney in November.

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But what if Romney really doesn’t remember such a graphic and horrible bullying event that he himself perpetrated?  If that is true, then it is even more troubling than lying about it.

Some bullying experts say that Romney may actually not remember what he did because bullies often lack empathy. They don’t feel any of the pain they are causing, so in their minds the individual acts of bullying really are trivial and not worth remembering.

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Let’s review: Romney did it; he did the horrible thing described above. He was a bully. If he doesn’t remember it is because, at the time, he lacked empathy.

And this is the problem. Lack of empathy is one of the signs of psychopathy.

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Please control your outrage. I am not accusing Romney of being a psychopath in the popular sense – i.e., an insane killer.

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I am, however, suggesting that these recent events place into sharp focus many aspects of Romney’s personality that have troubled millions of Americans, especially conservative Americans.  And the reason why is that Romney may very well be, in a clinical, non dangerous sense, a high functioning emotional/interpersonal psychopath.

Psychopaths possess a general lack of empathy, and this includes deficiencies in comprehension and appreciation of others’ experiences and motivations, and lack of tolerance of differing perspectives.   Emotional/interpersonal psychopaths (as differentiated from socially deviant psychopaths) are often glib and superficial, egocentric and grandiose, lack remorse or guilt, and have shallow emotions. h[1]8  They display a lack empathy with no anxiety along with a predisposition to tell people what they want to hear. h[2]9 

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This describes Mitt Romney. When people complain that he is “wooden” and “boring” they are complaining about his lack of emotions.  When he says the wrong thing or “puts his foot in his mouth” he is being glib and superficial. His regular “flip flopping” is a manifestation of his predisposition to telling people what they want to hear.  He is clearly egocentric and his plans for the nation are undeniably grandiose. When people complain that he is “robotic” they are observing that he never shows any signs of anxiety.  A big complaint about Romney is that he is distant and not in touch with the common person – i.e., he has deficiencies in comprehension and appreciation of others’ experiences and motivations.

The bullying event and his reaction to the public learning about it provide the final pieces for a diagnosis:  he cut off that boy’s hair because it was dyed blond and draped over one eye, causing Romney to openly and loudly complaint that it “isn’t right; he can’t do that” which means that Romney was motivated to organize and lead a lynch mob and to assault and batter that boy because of Romney’s lack of tolerance of different perspectives. Romney cannot remember the event because of his lack of empathy.

A lot of politicians, especially those on the extreme right wing of the political spectrum, are emotional/interpersonal psychopaths. Michelle Bachmann and Newt Gingrich certainly fit the description.

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Romney does, too.  We’ve all felt it, wondered about it, asked ourselves why we cannot support Romney and are still reluctant to do so.

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We are troubled by the inescapable fact that Romney is either lying about remembering his bullying history, or he actually doesn’t remember, and we don’t know which is worse.

Finally, the story about the boy Romney chased down and molested resonates with a brand new demographic:  those who were bullied in school and kept their silence.  They hate bullies, hate their excuses, hate the privilege that keeps bullies safe from any consequences that should result from openly expressed cruelty and sadism.

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You know these victims. They are short. They are fat. They are unattractive. They are weak. They are powerless.  They are poor. They are gay. They are “different.”

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They are Legion, and they all hate Romney.

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Bulling Victims are the new Soccer Moms.  They are a demographic that cuts across social, economic, regional and political boundaries.  And they all know what happened. They all know that Romney lead a lynch mob of rich boys who chased down a gay kid and cut off his hair for expressing  his individuality and difference.  They marked him and humiliated him in a way that neither the victim nor the bullies can ever forget.

And they are going to be the swing vote that gives Obama a second term as President of the United States.

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THREE STOOGES (a fair and balanced comparison)

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Barry Goldwater, buffo, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Early-onset dementia, GOP, Internet Fun!, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Money and Power, Mordor, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, Politics, presidential candidate, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Small Town America, snaaks, Tea Party, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on March 7, 2012 by paulboylan

Here are three stooges:

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Moe, Curly and Larry.  

Moe is their leader. It is generally agreed-upon by pundits and intellectuals alike that Moe is head stooge and calls the shots for the other stooges.

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Here are three more stooges:

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This is not a balanced group of stooges. They appear to be three Larries.  Maybe a  Curly or two. One may aspire to be Shemp.  But who is their leader? Who calls the shots?  At best – and I do mean best – Santorum is Moe (bossy), Romney is Larry (easily confused) and Gingrich is Curly (a fat goof). At best.

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I just love the word “stooge.”

Stooge.

Ha!

THE COMING AMERICAN RELIGIOUS WAR

Posted in American Decline, Antique surgical instruments, Common Enemy, Corruption, Crazy People, Crime and Punishment, Europe, GOP, health care, Hubris, ανόητο άτομα, love, Mad Men, Michele Bachmann, Missile Defense, Money and Power, Monsters, Mordor, Newt Gingrich, Orcs, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Right Wing, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Saron, Small Town America, Tea Party, The Great State of Montana!, transvaginal ultrasound sonogram, Uncategorized, USA! USA! USA!, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, سياسة on March 3, 2012 by paulboylan

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I consider myself a Republican, conservative Christian man of faith. The problem is that I am Greek Orthodox, which the vast majority of the GOP base does not recognize as being Christian.

I cherish my freedoms, including the freedom to worship the Almighty the way I want. I will be damned if anyone is going to use the political process to impress their religious views upon me – and that is exactly what thehNew Republican Party is hell-bent on doing./

At it’s heart, this conflict is about the same things that caused and fueled the European religious wars of past centuries as well as every Jihadi’s fervor.  This conflict is about power and hate – in particular, the power to hurt those you hate.

The New Republican Party hates women.  Allow me to rephrase that – it hates independent, educated, thinking women who work outside of the home. Let’s call them modern women. And the reason why they hate these women is because their social, intellectual, economic and sexual independence violates a myopic interpretation of antiquated religious doctrine that has nothing to do with the central message that Jesus came to us to teach.

The New Republican Party is waging a war on modern women, and they have corrupted Jesus to do it.  They want to force women out of the job market, out of public life, out of graduate school and back into the four walls of the male dominated homes where ancient Semitic women were imprisoned and enslaved.

The revolutionary message central to Jesus’ teachings – and the reason the political system of his day murdered him – is charity, freedom and love.  This American crusade against women is about selfishness, control and hate.

And, to get the power to hurt the women they hate, these American Taliban have taken over and corrupted the GOP.  They support insurance coverage for Viagra to foster men having sex, but they are dead-set against insurance coverage for contraception or the use of tax dollars to pay for an abortion.

And who pays the ultimate price for this draconian scheme?  Women.  Like a male chimpanzee, a man has recreational sex and then walks away.  The women pays the price for that mutual decision by having no choice but to carry that embryo to term and then raise that child by herself.  She cannot work. She cannot go to school. She cannot participate in any meaningful way in the political process.  She is back where she belongs.

And what is the New Republican Party’s solution to this horrible conundrum?  Just ask Rick Santorum. He will tell you with absolute certainty that his solution is not just correct, but pleases God.  His solution is, essentially, to outlaw sex for any other purpose than procreation.  If Santorum, and the millions of right wing Americans who support him, get their way, the power of government can and should be used to make sure that every single time two people have sex they had better be prepared to have a child, and if they don’t want a baby, then they simply better not have any sex.

This is only one example of what the New Republican Party wants to do to America.  They want to use the power of government to force each and every one of us to live lives no different than the Puritan’s lived in Salem back in the 1600’s.  They pick and choose among the ideals of our Founding Fathers, agreeing with the freedom to bear arms but disagreeing with the separation of church and state.  They want our every day lives, what we do in the privacy of our own homes, to be regulated, to be dominated, by their perverted view of Christian values.

They are masters at self-deception and outright lying.  They try to minimize what they are doing by calling it “social issues.”  When the world found out that the Virginia legislature – dominated by right wing religious fanatics – was passing a bill that would force every woman who wants an abortion to first get a big stick shoved up their vaginas, the outcry was so powerful that those responsible for that repulsive law scurried around like the cockroaches that they are and revised the law.  And the governor of Virginia expressed his disappointment that Virginia’s consideration of a “social issue” would get such a negative reaction.

One person’s social issue is another person’s freedom.  By legislating social issues, the New Republican party is trying to take away everyone else’s freedoms.

Our founding fathers were personally aware of the wreckage the European religious wars caused.  For thirty years, what is now Germany was the battlefield for protestant armies fighting catholic armies. Thirty years.  Our founders decided to spare the people of the new nation they were creating that same pain.  To do it, they manufactured, for the first time in world history, a nation where people could worship God any way they wanted, so long as that worship didn’t mix with political power.

But that separation of church and state our founders created no longer exists.  Santorum – who could actually be elected our next president – actually states publically that there should be no separation of church and state.

The result is going to be the very war the Founding Fathers sought to avoid.  But what the hell. As Tom Petty sang, everybody’s had to fight to be free.

I am prepared to fight to keep these people out of my bedroom and out of my wife’s vagina.  What are you prepared to do?

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EXPLAINING SANTORUM

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, пицца, Michele Bachmann, Money and Power, News, Politics, presidential candidate, Rage Against the Machine, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Scarlett Johansson naked, similarity, Tea Party, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, טילים on February 11, 2012 by paulboylan

First, let’s cut to the chase – American conservatives know that Obama is going to win a second term.  We show a brave face and display ferocity, but in our hearts we know none of the candidates we are considering in our laughable debate, caucus and primary process have a chance of beating a man who is simply smarter and slicker – and can even sing better – than the best we have to offer.

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What we are now forced to choose from, in all honesty, isn’t our best.  Our best, like Governor Chris Christie, chose to wait until Obama terms out and it is an open field in 2016.  Christie is a brilliant man. If he decided not to run, that has to tell you something.

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All of our best decided not to throw their hat in the ring – leaving the field to a bunch of stuttering, stammering clowns and side show freaks.  The fact that, for a while, Michele Bachmann and Herman Cain were at the top of the polls showed that something was terribly, terribly wrong.

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And that is why American conservatives of all stripes – from snake handlers from Topeka, Kansas, to moderates from Chicago, Illinois – are all coming out in support of Rick Santorum.  We’re doing it because it doesn’t make any difference now who we support.

Let’s cut to the chase again – we know Santorum can’t win.  He simply has too many negatives.  But that is no longer the point.

We are supporting Santorum, first and foremost, because we refuse to be told what to do by an invisible group of men far away – i.e., GOP “insiders” and “establishment.”  The GOP power elite are telling us to do what we are told and support Romney because they’ve decided he has the best chance of winning against Obama.

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And that may be true, but it is deeply offensive nevertheless.  From our point of view, Romney is “Obama Lite” – an insider with no real principals who is willing to say and do just about anything to get elected, someone who is likely to continue the policies of big government that George W. Bush inflicted on us and even get us in another war or two just for the hell of it.

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Winning for the sake of winning isn’t enough any more.  We want real change. Believe it or not, many of us voted for Obama because he promised us real change. McCain and Palin offered us even more of the same. But Obama didn’t deliver.  I don’t care if Bush was responsible for the mess that Obama inherited and I don’t care if the Republicans in the House of Representatives stopped Obama from doing virtually everything he wanted to do: Obama gets the credit and the blame for whatever happens on his watch.  That’s America.  He gets credit for killing Osama bin Laden.  He gets credit for the recent deal negotiated with the big banks for mortgage relief.  But he gets the blame for increasing deficits and high unemployment.  He gets the blame for keeping government too big, inefficient and corrupt to do its job.

We don’t see that changing if Romney wins.  We see him doing what Bush did – cut taxes so his rich friends can get richer and keeping everything else just the way it is.  His plan to tax the poor doesn’t impress us. Although it is a good idea to encourage people to work instead of taking government handouts, you need to have jobs for poor people to move into before you pull the rug out from under them, and there aren’t enough jobs for the people currently looking for work. You only make that worse if you force millions of poor people to either work or starve. Only an ultra rich guy totally out of touch with reality would consider such a thing as a good idea.

Even more important to our decision to support Santorum is this “invisible group of power brokers” telling us to support Romney.  The GOP elite forget that this is exactly this sort of “rule from beyond” stuff that fermented the American Revolution.  Our political ancestors didn’t like being told what to do by a bunch of invisible rich guys in England.  We still don’t like it, and resent being told what to do by a different group of invisible rich guys.  We are tired of feeling like cattle and being treated like slaves.  This is essentially what the Tea Party stands for.

Even though we may disagree with Santorum – and we do (I mean, come on, his ideas about criminalizing sex outside of marriage are just nuts, and I do’t even want to begin talking about him and his wife sleeping with their dead baby) we nevertheless admire him for sticking to his principles.   Rick Santorum is many things, many of them unsavory, but he is an honest man.  And we crave honesty.

Finally, we love rooting for the underdog.  Santorum isn’t a rich man. He doesn’t have the untold millions of dollars Romney has to campaign for president.  And Santorum doesn’t have the best election organization money can buy working in all the states to get him elected.  Romney is not like us in any way.  But Santorum is very much the “common man” raging against the Machine.  And that makes him more like us.

So supporting Santorum is the equivalent of conservatives flipping our collective middle finger at the GOP establishment.  My vote for Santorum is a protest vote.  I know he cannot get elected. But what does it matter now, at this point?  Either I support Romney and hate myself just a little for doing it, or I support Santorum and feel good about at least telling the GOP fat cats that they can go fuck themselves.

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Or maybe I’ll vote for Ron Paul.

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Headline – Newt Gingrich surges

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Cowboys and Aliens, Crazy People, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, fetish, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, Geopolitical Insults, Get a job, greannmhar, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, health care, Hubris, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, Money and Power, Monsters, Mordor, News, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Orcs, Paying Attention, People who suffer from abject pretension, Politics, Pop Culture, presidential candidate, Racism in America, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Saron, Small Town America, snaaks, Stupid People, Tea Party, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار on January 21, 2012 by paulboylan

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I certainly hope he cleans up after himself.

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HEADLINE – Romney debate gaff threatens candidacy

Posted in American Decline, Brave New World, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, космическая девушка, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, Money and Power, Mordor, News, Politics, presidential candidate, Racism in America, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, zombies, טילים, سياسة on December 11, 2011 by paulboylan

DES MOINES, Iowa –  In the latest republican candidate debate, Mitt Romney made a statement that now threatens to derail his presidential campaign.

“People of Iowa,” Romney said, “Black people – you hate them, I hate them.”

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“What did he say?” debate moderator Diane Sawyer asked George Stephanopoulos.

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“I think he said he hates black people,” Stephanopoulos responded.

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Romney campaign officials were quick to correct any misinterpretation of Romney’s statement.

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“What Mitt meant to say is that President Obama is responsible for our nation’s economic problems and that Mitt, as a businessman, is best suited to solve those problems,” said Biff Hendric, Romney’s Iowa public relations director.

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Biff Hendric

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“That’s not what I heard him say,” said  Sawyer.

“Yeah, well, I’ll bet you $10,000 that that’s what he meant,” Hendric challenged.

Other Romney spokespersons emphasized that Romney would be spending substantial time and financial resources to campaign in “the great white state of Iowa” in his quest to “keep America American,” a phrase used by the Ku Klux Klan and the anti-immigrant party known as the “Know-nothings.”

Bend over, America!

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Source: http://nomoremister.blogspot.com/2011/12/romney-using-kkk-slogan-steve-benen.html

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HEADLINE – Rick Perry reassures GOP about debating Obama

Posted in Cowboys and Aliens, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Grim Fairy Tales, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Money and Power, Mordor, News, Paying Attention, Politics, rimshot wav download, Scarlett Johansson naked, USA! USA! USA! on October 30, 2011 by paulboylan

WASHINGTON — Rick Perry on Sunday sought to reassure GOP primary voters concerned about his wobbly presidential debate performances, apparent low intelligence and general lack of basic education, saying he would draw sharp distinctions with the Democratic incumbent in televised showdowns next year.

“I’m not worried a bit to debate Barack Obama,” Perry said.  ”And I believe in Santa Claus,” he added.

The Texas governor, driving for front-runner status as the most viable conservative in the wide-open field, offered up samples of the scathing rhetoric he used to get elected as Governor of Texas.

“President Obama’s policies are poopy,” Perry said with a grin.

“And he is ugly and his mother dresses him funny.  President Obama’s mother is so ugly, well, she is pretty ugly. And she is white. Can you believe that? A white woman having sex with a black man?  In Texas we don’t take kindly to any sort of race mixing.”

“And we don’t like Mormons. They are a cult,” Perry concluded  before further demonstrating his wit by firing a gun into the air.

“Yee ha!” Perry screamed. “Now, don’t that qualify me to be prez-o-dent?” he asked.

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OCCUPY MORDOR!

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Barry Goldwater, Frodo, good guys and bad guys, Lord of the Rings Knock-Knock Jokes, Money and Power, Mordor, ученые, Occupy Mordor, Orcs, Rage Against the Machine, Right Wing, Saron, Scarlett Johansson naked, The Wilhelm Scream, טילים, سياسة on October 19, 2011 by paulboylan

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BOEHNER POINTS THE FINGER

Posted in Barry Goldwater, Corruption, Crime and Punishment, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Get a job, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Human Sacrifice, IN MEMORIAM, It's not what you think, Mad Men, Money and Power, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Racism in America, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, USA! USA! USA! on July 26, 2011 by paulboylan



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HEADLINE – Phone-hacking whistleblower found dead

Posted in Corruption, Crime and Punishment, Evil Smiley Face, Globalization, IN MEMORIAM, Money and Power, News, Politics, The Wilhelm Scream, Travel on July 18, 2011 by paulboylan

LONDON (AP) — Police say Sean Hoare, the whistleblower reporter who broke the story about widespread hacking at the News of the World, has been found dead in his London home.

London Police said Hoare’s death at his home is not considered to be suspicious, according to Britain’s Press Association news agency.

“There is nothing at all suspicious about Mr. Horse’s untimely and utterly unexpected death,” said Nigel Dimitri, spokesperson for the London Police. “It is just another of those unfortunate coincidences when a witness to crimes committed by rich and powerful men – crimes that implicate the London Police, by the way – are found dead in their London homes.  This is just another one of those coincidences,” Dimitri said. 

“Horse’s untimely and presumably slow and painful death due to mysterious causes should not be interpreted in any way as a warning to any other witnesses who might be considering informing on Rupert Murdoch, The News of the World, or the London Police,” Dimitri concluded before driving off in an unmarked black sedan.

 

Britain’s tabloid phone hacking scandal walloped the London police force Monday, as the rapid-fire resignations of two top officers were followed by claims of possible illegal eavesdropping, bribery and collusion. U.K officials immediately vowed to investigate.

 

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/police-phone-hacking-whistleblower-found-dead-181711003.html

A DREAM DEFERRED

Posted in 3D, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, Fritz Lang, Getting it Right, Globalization, good guys and bad guys, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, 스타게이트유니버스, ανόητο άτομα, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, Mad Scientists, Money and Power, music, News, Nichola Tesla, ученые, Op Ed, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, rimshot wav download, Rotwang, Scarlett Johansson naked, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, Space, Space Chicks, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Tasmania, Tasmanian Devil, Tasmanian Jesus, Television, The Big Lebowski, The Great State of Montana!, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Uncategorized, Vegemite, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, טילים, سياسة on March 17, 2009 by paulboylan

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My house was recently remodeled, and I am disappointed. To make matters worse, my disappointment is causing me to question my goals and dreams.

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Me, standing in the wreckage of my dreams...

Me, standing in the wreckage of my dreams...

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My disappointment has nothing to do with the work that was done.  The construction company that did the work – North State Residential Development – did a great job.

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renovation3-0771

renovation4andlesmis-021

Rob - God of Electricity and other stuff

Rob - God of Electricity and other stuff

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The work was performed on time and on budget.  North State more or less built me a new home in five months.  No one in my neighborhood believed it was possible.  But these guys worked on weekends, in the dark and even in the rain to get the job done.

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renovation4andlesmis-083

renovation4andlesmis-087

The men responsible for my bitter disappointment.

The men responsible for my bitter disappointment.

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But every time I look at my new home I cannot put behind me the hopes I had when I originally decided to remodel my home. You see, I am an evil genius, and that means I have always wanted a secret lair. Allow me to explain.

There are lots of evil geniuses in the world – but they are not all created equal.Sure, there are high profile evil geniuses sitting around in big chairs, stroking persian cats and using their genius to plan and execute diabolical plans to threaten the world with the goal of getting rich.

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My role model - Ernst Stavro Blofeld

My role model - Ernst Stavro Blofeld

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Despite these few “stars” most evil geniuses live very humble lives. We have families. We go to church on Sundays.


Secretly evil.

Secretly evil.

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But we live secret lives where we dream of threatening humanity with extinction in order to become enormously wealthy.

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evil-smiley-face

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I am that kind of evil genius.  My extreme evil and my uncanny genius are well established.  How else do you explain my otherwise unexplainable success?  I’ve spent my life crafting a respectable persona that hides my secret evil identity – Professor Iniquitous.  Over the years I have hatched countless ingenious plans for taking over the world – none of which I have been able to execute.

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blueprint

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There is one primary reason why I haven’t taken over the world yet.  It isn’t the lack of sufficient evil.  If the editors over at Merriam Webster knew about me,  the word “evil” in their dictionary would have my picture next to it.  And I do not lack for genius.  I am always the smartest guy in the room and I know all of the answers to questions asked on television quiz shows.  Nevertheless, I lack the one thing that all successful evil geniuses possess:  membership in the Amalgamation of Evil Geniuses (AEG).

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incorporated

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The AEG is an international labor union that more or less controls all evil genius activity on this planet.  You can’t really be an evil genius without belonging to AEG.  And to join AEG you must have a secret lair – a private place to conduct your evil experiments and hatch your evil plans.

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steampunk-office4

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So when my wife and I talked about remodeling our home, I was very excited about the possibilities of including a secret lair in the project.With a secret lair, I finally had a chance of joining AEG – and after that happened, it was only a matter of time before the world would be mine.

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ist2_751755-businessman-s-hands-holding-globe

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The contractor at North State loved the idea.I talked to their architect, who drew up the plans and even made a 3D computer simulation of what my secret lair would look like after it was built.I sat there in the architect’s office as he showed me my underground secret lair – my future laboratory, my control room, my nuclear missile silo, my shark tank and the kitchen where my evil minions could microwave hot pocket snacks.It was a dream come true.

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lost-wall-748621

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Then I saw the price.  Underground lairs are very, very expensive.  So we began to reduce the project. The shark tank was the first thing to go.  I really didn’t need a shark tank.I could use other means to dispose of the secret agents sent to stop me.

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pv05

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Then I gave up the missile silo.Nuclear weapons were old fashioned. I could eventually replace the nuclear missile with a much less expensive death ray.

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death_ray_1

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Even with these sacrifices, the costs associated with a secret lair were just too high to afford. More and more of what I wanted was cut away until eventually I was left with what amounts to a secret closet in the garage.

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291873758rmcvbj_ph

Don’t get me wrong:the closet is very secret.  Unless you knew what to look for you wouldn’t really notice it.  But it is still a closet.  I can stand in it, but that’s about it.  I really cannot use it to menace the world.

And that is exactly what AEG told me when I sent them a picture of my secret closet attached to my membership application.They wrote and told me

The AEG New Member Selection Committee has decided to hold onto your application until such time that you improve upon your secret lair to meet or exceed AEG’s secret lair standards as described in the AEG publication “So You Think You Have a Secret Lair…” a copy of which is enclosed for your convenience.

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doctor-no-lair-design

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So I guess my plans for world domination are going to have to wait.  Maybe I should reconsider this whole evil genius thing.In the meantime, I am using my secret closet to store some gardening supplies…

Wait! That gives me an idea – a beautifully evil idea!  I can infect seemingly ordinary gardening supplies to spread bacteria genetically engineered to transform people from home gardeners into an army of zombie slaves!  Mooohahahahah!!

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madscientist_21

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I am back, baby!

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