LOST FOR WORDS (really. no kidding.)

I don’t have the words to tell you how cool this is.  MUST see.

I’m in love and want to have her baby.

Please don’t tell my wife.

HEADLINE – Binge drinking impairs memory in women

They won't remember a thing.

MUNCIE – A study of the affects of alcohol on women concludes that the more the average woman drinks the less she will remember the events leading up to the drinking and those events that occur shortly after becoming drunk.

“Isn’t that the point of plying women with alcohol?” asks Chip Henderson, President of the Alpha Comma Moe fraternity in Chico, California.

The study was financed by the Richard Wood Johnson Foundation and published in the Journal of Things Everyone Knows, which can be found at http://www.duh.edu.

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SOURSE:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-14154404

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TOTALLY DIGGING GAME OF THRONES ON HBO

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I feel the need to start out clean and admit I have neither read the books nor intend on reading them.  And I am well-aware that the fanboys hate what HBO has done to their beloved ersatz Shakespeare fantasy.

But I’ve watched every episode broadcast thus far and feel very sure that the fanboys have their heads shoved deep within their singular and collective fanboy rectii.

Game of Thrones is a wonderful show and is some of the best television I’ve ever experienced.  It grabbed me from the very beginning and has me wanting even more with each chapter shown. It has become an event in my household.  I open a California pale ale and grow slowly buzzed as the show progresses.  And it is always, always, always over too soon.

I know what you’re thinking, especially Moko, Therbs, Barnes and the Rhino.  All of you are saying “oh, we know  you, Boylan, and we know that it is the proliferation of naked women that persuades you to overlook narrative flaws.

Yes, it is true that I have already expressed a favorable opinion about the series engendered solely by the plethora of buck naked women displayed in each and every episode. However, I have transcended this consideration.  This last episode included no naked women – none at all – and it was the best episode to date.  So shame on any of you for judging me so shallow and callous as to value a video experience merely for inclusion and depiction of naked women.

Which is always a plus. Seriously.  From a purely artistic and utterly intellectual frame of reference, there is no art – low, pop, or high – that cannot be improved with naked women. Especially attractive ones. For example, Roman Polanski’s Macbeth (1971) included naked women, but they were repulsive and did not really enhance the viewing experience.  Trust me on this. Repulsion may be what Polanski was striving for, but not what I pay precious money to see.  I adore my European brothers and sisters, but their appetite for repulsive imagery leaves me cold and confused.

 But I digress.  I am trying to say that, even in the absence of naked women, Game of Thrones is great television.  And I cannot recommend it more highly.

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HEADLINE – Tall, obese men at higher risk for blood clots

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Finally, some good news for short, obese men.

Source: http://tall-obese-clots-20110429

HEADLINE – Gov’t focus on nuke crisis angers tsunami victims

RIKUZENTAKATA, Japan – As Japan’s prime minister held another in an endless stream of press conferences to describe in great detail the Japanese government’s efforts to fix damaged nuclear reactors, frustrated tsunami victims complained that the government has been too focused on the nuclear crisis that followed the massive wave.

“Hey! Over here! 165,000 people living in cardboard boxes and packing crates! HELLO?? Is anyone home??” 35-year-old Megumi Shimanuki shouted at the Prime Minister from the crowd gathered at the press conference. “Yeah, yeah, highly radioactive water is leaking into the sea. Blah, blah, blah. I need a house,” Shimanuki yelled.

“Go find the corporate executives and their stooge government regulators who willfully and knowingly decided to operate unsafe nuclear reactors right near the ocean, line them up against a wall, and shoot them,” suggested Ken Hashimoto, a fellow tsunami evacuee.

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“Kill them all, then confiscate their multiple homes, expensive automobiles and jewelry they bought with the profits they made cutting safety corners.  Sell that property and use the money to get me some food,” Hashimoto added.

Source: http://news.yahoo.com

Declaration of Sentiments and Resolutions – and Ray Gun Girls

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By now you know I kind of dig Space Chicks.

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In addition to writing substantively on the historical, sociological and geopolitical aspects of Space Chicks, my purely scholarly passion led me to become the worlds leading authority on subject.

Professor Boylan presenting a paper on Space Chicks at the University of Johannesburg, South Africa, in 2006

When I first determined the importance of Space Chicks as a pop culture phenomenon,  I soon observed that there is an important Space Chick subset that is best described as “Ray Gun Girls.”  Simply put, a Ray Gun Girl is a girl often, but not always, wearing a space suit in close proximity to a ray gun, often, but not always holding the ray gun.

Like Space Chicks in general, Ray Gun Girls first appeared on the cover of pulp magazines.

And when Space Chicks migrated from pulp novel covers to film and television, Ray Gun Girls began showing up there, too.

In all honesty, most Ray Gun Girl images are fetish driven manifestations of arrested male adolescent wish fulfillment, amounting to little more than soft core pornography.

However, as the years went by science fiction matured, and Space Chick images began to include strong, capable women who were fully realized heroic figures as complex and detailed as any male hero. As this happened, the images of Ray Gun Girls also evolved into something more serious and less sexist.

To me, the entire phenomenon is really quite fascinating. I don’t have the time or inclination to explore in this blog why there is such a driving interest to depict women holding ray guns.  The psycho-sexual implications alone would fill more space than I have to work with here. However, it is worth noting that the Ray Gun Girl concept is distancing itself from sex object utility and is increasingly being seen as a sign of feminist empowerment.

I’m taking the time here to provide you with the opportunity to judge for yourself.  Below is a gallery of Ray Gun Girl drawings and photos representing only what I was able to download in a few minutes before I gave up and went on to more serious business.  Nevertheless, this incomplete sample is the most comprehensive collection of Ray Gun Girl pics anywhere on or off the internet.

I present them in the order my computer imposed due to file title.

[If you don't see any gallery below, then you need to go back up to the top and click on the link entitled something like "The Ultimate Ray Gun Girl Gallery."

I take no responsibility for any offense that may result from anyone accessing and scrutinizing any of the photos in that gallery.]

HEADLINE- Rep. Chris Lee resigns after reports of Craigslist flirtation

MUNCIE, Indiana - Rep. Chris Lee of New York abruptly resigned after a gossip Web site reported that the married Republican had allegedly sent flirtatious e-mail messages and a shirtless photo of himself to a woman he met online.

“In February of 2011 Representative Chris Lee was found to have been posting personal ads on Craigslist looking for women and lying about his age and marriage after e-mails and risque photos he sent to a woman were uncovered.”

“The liberal media is at it again,” said Shirley Blond-Bigbreast, Fox News anchor and GOP apologist.

“The real story here is that this latest incident is proof that the Republican Party is making progress solving right wing sex scandals,” Blond-Bigbreast said.  ”Sure, Chris Lee solicited multiple strangers on the internet for sex and lied to them about his age and marital status, but least he isn’t gay.”

Sources:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/09/AR2011020906912.html

http://gawker.com/#!5756377/craigslist-congressman-resigns

Filed Under: Republicans, Congress, Repressed homosexuality among conservatives

Tagged: chris lee, chris lee craigslist, chris lee resignation, chris lee shirtless, chris lee trying to look buff to impress what he clearly hopes is a stupid woman

A SHORT CONVERSATION WITH MY WIFE

So I was in bed last night watching television with my wife and we were discussing gun control.

There is no more divisive issue sui generis to the American experience and national psyche than the question of gun control.  I am often asked to appear as a guest speaker on topics touching on constitutional rights.  I always begin those talks by quickly describing my travels and experience living and working with people from similar and vastly different cultures.  Because of my exposure to different cultures I am very much aware of what makes Americans different from anyone else on earth. I also know that very few Americans are aware of that difference.

So I ask groups of people whenever I can what it is that makes Americans different and distinct as a culture.  It often isn’t easy for them to determine because they’ve never considered the question before. Most of them have never been more than 50 miles from where they were born and most of them live near people who look, talk and think the same way they do.

But eventually the Socratic method succeeds in helping my audience discover the truth – i.e,  that it is the rights we enjoy as Americans that makes us fundamentally different.  Americans experience a level of freedom no one else in the world can exercise.

Which prompts the inevitable follow-up question. I ask “What freedoms are uniquely American?”

The answer I get varies from audience to audience, but I am always surprised how often the answer is the right to bear arms.

Those who believe this, of course, are wrong.  The right to bear arms isn’t fundamentally or uniquely American.  The Taliban in Afghanistan believe the same thing and are willing to kill anyone who attempts to compromise their right to own and use fire arms.

I bring this up only to illustrate how important it is to own firearms to many, many Americans.  It is so important that millions of Americans value the right to bear arms above the rights of speech, assembly and movement.

I am not that extreme in my views, but I do feel the right to bear arms is an important right if for no other reason than it is expressly mentioned in the American Constitution.  My wife disagrees.  She believes that the American Founding Fathers’ viewpoint is important, but not controlling because time has made their worldview – their original intent – absurd.

You can see her argument best expressed here:

http://www.examiner.com/video

 

Gun control is a fairly hot topic, which is why my wife and I were discussing the topic while watching television last night.

The recent horrific shootings in Tuscon, Arizona are at the forefront of all of our minds. My wife is upset and believes Arizona should have more potent gun control regulations.  In the heat of our discussion she said “guns kill people.”

I was ready for that argument. “Blaming guns for killing people,” I retorted, “is like blaming spoons for obesity.”

I felt pretty good about that statement. It was eloquent and elegant, bordering on poetry.

We sat in silence a while, me feeling a bit smug, and then my wife said:

“Yeah, but if crazy people were running around killing 9 year old girls with spoons, I bet we would have some spoon control laws pretty quick.”

God, I love my wife.

HEADLINE – Embalmed head of France’s King Henri IV found

Henry IV of France

LONDON (Reuters) – The mummified head of King Henry IV has been found. Pulled from the attic of a retired tax collector, the head has been positively identified by scientists using state-of-the-art technology to determine its identity. The king was assassinated 400 years ago after proclaiming religious freedom for Muslims in France.

“I do not need to tell you how much of a surprise this is,” said Ernie Le Plume, curator of the King Henry IV Museum in Paris.  “Now all we have to do is figure out whose head is on top of the body we have on display here in the museum,” Le Plume said.

Known as the Good King or Green Gallant, Henry brought the end to the French Wars of Religion by signing an edict declaring freedom of religion in France in 1598. He was assassinated by a fanatical Catholic, François Ravaillac, in May of 1610.

Le Plume said that no plans  are being made to reunite King Henry’s head with his body. “The whole thing has us sort of creeped out,” Le Plume said.

Source:

http://news.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474978812086

HEADLINE – More Proof God Exists: Extremely Obese People More Likely To Die From H1N1 Swine Flu

MEMPHIS – Extremely obese individuals – those with a BMI (body mass index) of over 40 because they eat like pigs – have a significantly higher chance of dying from 2009 A(H1N1)swine flu infection compared to people who do not eat like pigs, researchers revealed in the journal Clinical Infectious Diseases.

“This is more proof that God exists,” said  theologist Krista Schnurstein. “This joke took over a billion years to be told, which also illustrates God’s incredible patience.  The joke required humans and pigs to evolve, the H1N1 virus to evolve and be identified, as well as the process that eventually named it ‘swine flu.’ God’s majesty is truly apparent when you consider the slow evolution of the now universal comparison between fat people and pigs, resulting in this new research showing fat people more likely to die of swine flu – which is, essentially, a divine punch line,” Schnurstein concluded.

Advocates for the morbidly obese are more concerned about the emotional pain this new study will cause fat people. “Fat people are often made fun of by comparing them to pigs,” said Tina Finster, Director of Friends of Obese Dependents (FOOD), a non profit organization that lobbies on behalf of obese citizens trapped in their homes because they are too large to use ordinary doors. “We want to change the name of swine flu to something less insulting to fat people who contract that illness,” Finster said.

FOOD has polled its members to determine what term should be used to replace “swine flu.”  Based on the poll results, FOOD is sponsoring legislation that will require all state and federal government agencies to refer to swine flu by any of the following alternative names: cuddly-kitten flu, extra-crispy flu, chocolate-cake flu, fried-chicken flu, four-double-Whoppers-with-extra-cheese flu, or yes-I-want-fries-with-that flu.

REMEMBERING THE 2000 SAG COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE

If you are anything like me, then every so often – when the winter wind blows clean and fresh from the north – you are overcome by nolstagia for the halcyon days of the 2000 Screen Actors Guild Commercial Actors Strike.

Ah, those halcyon days! – when men selling things on television had to do without actors because actors who acted in television commercials wanted more money for their labor, but the major studios wouldn’t give them more money.  And so they went on strike.

Commercials got made and were broadcast without professional acting, and sometimes the results were simply wonderful.

The Discovery Channel used accounting and technical employees to act in a series of commercials that have since become legend, the first of which I feature below.

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AHHH!!!   THE ATMOSPHERE!!!!  AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

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RECENT FAN MAIL

One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – recently wrote:

“you think you’re so smart but I am smarter than you and I rarely leave my house I spend all day doing research on the Internet looking up stuff about people I don’t like and then I spread gossip about them on the internet  I hate you I hate Jews and the Pope and illegal aliens why won’t they speak english like normal people english is the national language and they should be forced to speak it or they should go back where they came from but as I was saying before you interrupted me  you are a criminal and I bet all of your clients are criminals and you help them do criminal stuff I hope you die soon.”

Before you rush to my defense, sit back and think about what Penelope said.  He may be an under-medicated, uneducated, cross-dressing racist kook, but he raises one valid point that is worth discussing.  Most of my clients are not criminals, but some are.

A thought criminal I would be proud to represent

Why do I represent criminals? It isn’t the money.  Representing criminals doesn’t pay as well as you might think.  Believe me, criminals rarely ever pay their bills.  I don’t want to stereotype anyone, but I can tell you from experience that criminals are incredibly cheap.  They hate spending money. 

Hated paying his attorneys.

I imagine it is because crime doesn’t pay as well as it once did. 

Trying to bundle and sell hand job derivatives.

Whatever the reason, more often than not, my criminal clients do everything they can to avoid paying me for my time. So it isn’t the money that prompts me to represent them.  I do it because I believe that there is only one thing more dangerous than organized crime – and that is disorganized crime.  There is nothing that poses a greater risk to the public than a disorganized criminal.

Let me give you some examples (all of these really happened):

First: the Case of the Disorganized Jewel Thieves. Neiman Marcus is a high-scale department store in Beverly Hills that offer valet parking to its customers.  Three masked gunmen robbed the Neiman Marcus jewelry department, but they forgot they parked their car with the valet, and so had to take off on foot through residential Beverly Hills to escape the police. 

They were easily apprehended, but I think we can all agree that disorganized armed criminals running down the street dragging bags of money, jewelry and expensive shoes for their wives presents an extreme hazard to the community that could have been avoided if the criminals in question were a bit more organized and planned the robbery out in advance.

Next: the Case of the Disorganized Bank Robber.  Some poor fool tried to rob a bank using a paper bag over his head as a maks to hide his true identity.  But he forgot to cut holes in the bag so that he could see what he was doing and where he was going.  To compensate for his failure to properly plan the heist, the robber kept lifting the bag up so that he could see – which allowed the bank’s surveillance cameras to get a good look at his face.

Didn't think it through.

This idiot used a gun to rob that bank – which is dangerous enough without the person holding the gun blinding himself by putting a paper bag over his head.  An organized bank robber would have presented less of a threat to the innocent bystanders in the bank.

Next: the Case of the Disorganized Drug Dealers.  A police car in a nearby town noticed a car weaving back and forth as is traveled down a city street.  When the car was pulled over, the police officer discovered that the car was weaving because the three men in the car were watching a video on a portable player while they were driving.  More importantly, the video was an instructional tape designed to teach the viewer how to grow and sell marijuana.  The police officer discovered one hundred pounds of marijuana in plastic bags piled on the car’s back seat.

Organized criminals would have watched the instructional video before getting in the car, which means the drug dealers would have been able to keep their eyes on the road.These are only a few examples proving the point that disorganized crime can be far more dangerous and presents much more of a threat to the health, safety and well-being of the public than organized crime. I do not condone criminal acts, but I am far more afraid of disorganized criminals than I am of the organized ones. An organized criminal would never think this would work.

I represent criminals because there always comes a time when I am sitting with them face to face and, after they tell all about what they did and they didn’t do, I get the chance to look them straight in the eye and ask “what are you, stupid?”   Maybe, just maybe, they will realize they are too disorganized to be a criminal and, knowing that, they will give up their criminal aspirations.

Feels better than it looks.

And maybe they will pay their defense attorneys.  That would be good, too.

I can dream, can't I?

A STRATEGY FOR THE REINVIGORATION OF THE AMERICAN REPUBLICAN PARTY: SOME MODEST PROPOSALS

People of Earth, it is looking bad for the American Republican Party.  Reliable polls show that 19% of Americans now identify themselves as Republicans, compared with 48% just half a year ago.

How could this have happened?

And it is getting worse.  Recently Arlen Specter – a long-serving moderate Republican Senator – became a Democrat.  Even Joe the Plumber announced that he is leaving the Republican Party. You know things are bad when the GOP has become “too creepy” for Joe the Plumber.

The GOP is devolving into a “rump party” – i.e., a political party that, due to rigid ideology, becomes isolated from the main currents of national American life.  Traditional “family values” Republicans should be very concerned about becoming a rump party, primarily because of the gay jokes it will inflict upon the GOP.

The Republican Party is shrinking because mainstream America no longer listening to the Republican message.  Instead of developing a new, more relevant message, leading Republicans are shouting the old GOP message louder and louder, leading to bizarre results.

The new Republican voter.

For example, Republican political leaders have just gone crazy opposing new federal hate crime legislation that includes “sexual orientation” as a category.

Here is how the new law would work:  let’s say you punch someone in the face.  That is a crime called battery.  But under the proposed federal law, the penalty for that  crime would be enhanced if you call your victim a “fag” before hitting him.

The Republican Party snapped into action to oppose this bill.  Speaker after speaker in the House of Representatives forcefully warned that, if this new law is passed, it will “chill free speech.”

“So-called ‘hate crime’ laws actually serve only one purpose -” said Kevin Theriot, Senior Counsel for the Alliance Defense Fund,  “- the criminalization of citizens based on whatever thoughts, beliefs, and emotions they have that are not considered to be ‘politically correct.’”

Mr. Theriot is wrong and anyone with half a brain knows it.  The new law does not punish people for their thoughts or beliefs. Even if the new law passes, every American will still have the God-given right to hate anyone as much as they want.  The new law doesn’t discourage you from walking up to any homosexual and saying “I hate you because you are a homosexual.”  The law doesn’t discourage that – but it does discourage you from punching him or her in the face after saying it.  The law does not “chill” speech, thought or feeling.  It chills assault.

And that’s the problem. The Republican Party isn’t opposing the new law to protect  free speech – the GOP is against the new law because they want to protect your right to punch a homosexual in the face because you hate homosexuals.

The Republican base.

This does not play well with the  “post-Bush” American electorate. The vast majority of Americans do not hate homosexuals, don’t care if they can get married, and can’t understand why the GOP seems hell-bent on promoting hate by opposing laws that discourage acts of violence motivated by hate.

“It has nothing to do with hating homos,” explains the Reverend Trip Knuckles, an Evangelical Christian. “Our opposition to the new law has everything to do with discouraging our children from choosing the homosexual lifestyle,” said, Knuckles. “Fewer kids will decide to become gay if they are afraid they might get lynched if they do. The new law undermines that fear by discouraging violence against homosexuals. And that’s bad.”

Bad craziness.

Arlene Smedby, Chairwoman for The New Republican Majority, sees a different answer. “In the beginning, we hated blacks,” Smedby said. “ And that worked great.  Then came the Civil Rights movement and the American people stopped listening to segregationist slogans and passed laws against lynchings.  But the GOP adapted, replacing blacks with communists. When the Cold War ended, the GOP adapted again by targeting homosexuals. Gay bashing has had a good run, but now it is time for the GOP find some other group to hate.”

Other leading Republicans also advocate reform. “We risk losing our national political influence if we refuse to change with the times,” said Track Hemplin, unemployed rodeo promoter.  “I recommend we embrace homosexuals – not too close, of course, because you don’t know where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing – and refocus on hating illegal immigrants, especially the ones who refuse to learn English,” Hemplin concludes.

The perfect choice because they are powerless.

“Studies show that Americans will hate illegal immigrants just as much as they used to hate and fear blacks, commies and homos,” said Trig Smythe, just some guy waiting to buy crank outside of a Wasilla 7-11. “Hate is a traditional Republican unifying force.  But exploiting hate can be tricky.  We depended on enough people hating blacks, liberals and people with foreign sounding names to win the last election.  We didn’t realize how few people hate blacks, liberals and foreigners, even if their middle name is “Hussein.”  But I think we are on to something with illegal immigrants because they don’t speak English.”

A force for political unity.

“English is the American National language,” said SarahFan, an anonymous blogger. “I just want to punch people in the face who don’t speak English,” he/she/it said.

Will the GOP find a new group to hate before the party collapses?  Only time will tell.

HEADLINE – POLICE APPREHEND BIGGEST SERIAL KILLER

By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass. Press Writer – Thu Apr 30, 9:59 pm ET

LOS ANGELES – Police believe a 72-year-old insurance claims adjuster arrested earlier this month is the biggest serial killer in the city’s history.

“This guy is huge,” Capt. Denis Cremins said. “When we say we caught him laying around the house, we mean “around” the house.”

The suspect weighs over a metric ton and is so large that his arrest required two specially trained SWAT units just to put him in improvised handcuffs originally used to restrain emotionally unstable, bipolar hippos at the Los Angeles Zoo.

“We trained in Iraq, so my men are familiar with morbidly obese perpetrators,” Denis said. “But this is way beyond my experience.  How could he let that happen to him? He should be ashamed of himself.”

Serial killers often over-eat, said FBI profiler, David Carr. “It really is a big problem and it can lead to clinical depression. Without counseling and medical intervention, a serial killer’s uncontrollable appetite for fast food eventually interferes with their predatory activities, and when that happens suicidal thoughts are not uncommon” Carr explained.

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Source for headline:  http://largest-ever-serial-killer-captured.html

HEADLINES – Chinese Fitness Balls Recalled

By RHAPPI KANASTA, Ass. Press Writer – 2 hrs 24 mins ago

BEJING – EB Brands on Thursday voluntarily recalled three million fitness balls made in China after reports that they can pop unexpectedly during use, causing the person using them to fall to the floor, despite the fact that the products specifically say they are burst-resistant.

“Balls work just fine in China,” said, Fuk Hu, EB Brands spokesperson. “This not Chinese problem. This stupid fat American problem,” Hu explained. “Smart fat American say “hey, I no sit on ball, too fat to sit on ball.”

“The only market experiencing these problems is in the United States and parts of Egypt,” said Paul Nicholas Boylan, attorney representing EB Brands. “The world industrial complex should not be required to cater to the grossly overweight American consumer,” said Boylan.

“Maybe stupid, lazy Americans not eat so much McDonalds,” said Fuk Mei, directors of the American Products Division of Asian Stuff, Inc. “You grotesquely obese. No surprise balls burst,” Mei said.

“Ball not broken when leave China. Ball fine,” Hu added.

The recall is expected to cost EB Brands millions of US dollars.

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This one is a bit disturbing.

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SARAH PALIN’S 2012 STRATEGY: (Part One)

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I am now convinced that Sarah Palin will be the next President of the United States.

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No, really.  I’m not kidding. This isn’t a joke. Let me tell you why.

In a recent interview posted on Youtube, Palin “set the record straight” about her humiliating performance in the last election.  Most of Palin’s explanation centered on  her refusal to answer Katie Couric’s question “what newspapers do you read?” Most political analysts interpreted Palin’s refusal as an attempt to hide that she doesn’t read and isn’t very well informed.  But that’s not what happened at all.

“We got it completely wrong,” admits US Political Thought Editor-in-Chief Zev Wlcshznksnk. “Palin didn’t answer because, if she revealed that she reads to stay informed, then she would have risked alienating her political base.

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Zev Wlcshznksnk

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“During the Reagan Revolution, the Republican Party – a party of wealthy business interests – succeeded in convincing voters comprised of economically disadvantaged high school and college dropouts who lacked critical thinking skills to support Republican candidates,” Wlcshznksnk continues.

Other pundits agree. “The rise of the stupid voter demographic coincides directly with the decline in reading skills,” explains Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Research Director at the National Institute for Moronic Studies. “Those who lose the ability to think critically because they cannot or do not read enough become suspicious and resentful of anyone “smart” or who can “speak well” – a common reason many Republican voters said they distrusted Barak Obama.

Dr. Krista Schnurstein

When seen in this light, Palin’s failure to answer Couric’s question becomes shrewd, if not brilliant.  Her recent explanation of her failure to answer only reinforces the growing appreciation for Palin’s political skill – and her potential to be our next President.

Palin said “to me (Couric’s) question was more along the lines of, do you read, what do you guys do up there, what is it that you read, and perhaps I was too fliffant [sic] in my answer back to her.”

If Palin’s explanation sounds like a poor excuse that makes no sense, then you are probably educated and read recreationally.  But to a stupid person, Palin’s seemingly bizarre attempt to rewrite the question makes perfect sense. Stupid people are often asked questions they don’t understand or can’t answer.  In response, they manipulate reality to hide their ignorance and/or incompetence.

“Stupid people believe their lame excuses because it is the only way to maintain their illusion of self-respect,” says Armando Schwartz, inventor of the Vegomatic.  “By creating the kind of excuse that a stupid person would use, Palin is, essentially, encouraging stupid people to identify with her because if they call her out on her lies it would be the same as challenging their own dumb excuses for their own failures,” Schwartz concludes.

This explains why Palin is still out there saying stupid things.  When she does, she is manipulating the media into pointing out and criticizing every dumb thing she says and does.  And when the media does this, it forces stupid voters to take sides with Palin against those criticizing her.

“In order to appeal to stupid voters, it is essential to demonstrate inconsistency,” says Professor Alan Shainwooks of the National Institute for Stupid Studies. “Stupid people live in a state of virtually constant confusion as they try to figure out what is going on,” Shainwooks says. “And being stupid often goes hand in hand with having a poor memory. Combine confusion and poor memory with a stupid person’s almost pathological need to make up excuses for their failings and mistakes, and you get a person who can’t keep their story straight if their life depended on it.”

Palin amply uses this strategy. In response to her interviews with Couric, Palin first said she approved of the interview in advance.  Then she said the McCain campaign forced her to do the interview. Then she denied saying that, claiming that the interview was her idea. And now Palin has returned to blaming the McCain campaign for forcing her to do it.

“A smart person would be concerned about Palin’s seeming inability to tell the truth,” says Mary Hemplin, an international authority on political trends and the author of The Rise of Stupididy in American Politics. “But a stupid person wouldn’t realize that Palin is constantly changing her story and contradicting herself because a stupid person will only remember the last thing Palin says, and how shiny the buttons on her sweater are.”

A stupid voter?

Palin’s contradictory statements also serve to distance her from the real reason John McCain lost the election. “McCain’s people knew they couldn’t win the election unless he could rally the stupid vote,” Shainwooks observes. “But McCain’s ultimate strategic blunder was not leaving the stage to Palin. McCain stayed in the spotlight. His rationality and intellect alienated enough stupid voters to keep them from voting, and that is why Obama won.”

Cardinal Stanley Moran

Palin demonstrates that she realizes this simple truth. By repeatedly blaming the McCain campaign for her failures she is attempting to appeal to those stupid voters who didn’t vote in the last election. And with critical reading skills continuing to decline and fewer students being able to afford a college education, Palin is betting that, if she can realize the full political potential of the growing stupid vote, it could put her in the White House.

Clyde Scoggins, a Palin supporter, is grateful for Palin’s efforts to avoid alienating her political base. “I got alienated once,” Scoggins says, “and those little guys did medical experiments on me and I wound up naked in a corn field. I sure don’t want that to happen again.”

Clyde Scoggins (right) and his cousin, Hank (left)

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Get ready for a Palin administration, by golly.

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