Archive for the morbidly obese gymnasts Category

HEADLINE – Bin Laden sought name change, rebranding for Al Qaeda

Posted in dada, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Globalization, Headline, Headlines, Humor, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wrath of God, Travel, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 25, 2011 by paulboylan

The new, smiling, friendly face of international terror.

WASHINGTON—As Osama bin Laden watched his terrorist organization get picked apart, he lamented in his final writings that Al Qaeda was suffering from a marketing problem. He proposed Al Qaeda get a fresh start with a new name.

A friendlier image.

“The Crusader war against us has caused our name to lose its positive, favorable impression with the public,” Bin Laden wrote sometime in 2010. “We need a new, friendlier image,” Bin Laden concluded.

Bin Laden went on to make suggestions for a new name, including “Pal Qaeda,” “Jihad Is Us” and “Wahabi Wally’s Freedom Emporium.”  Al Qaeda in Iraq (AQR) lobbied hard to change their name to “Starbucks” or “Target” but Bin Laden warned his followers against choosing a name “that will only serve to draw us into protracted and expensive litigation, not to mention one that will cause great consumer confusion.”

Some of Starbuck's lawyers.

Al Queda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) suggested “The Ass Bomb Group” but Bin Laden chided AQAP and warned them not to choose a name that limited Al Qaeda’s operational parameters.

“I know how much you guys like to hide bombs in the rectums of idiot converts,” Bin Laden wrote, 

Idiot recruit (they actually convinced him to let them shove a bomb up his poop chute).

“…but a joke – even one that is rich with dramatic irony – should not create the framework within which we operate. If we called ourselves the Ass Bomb Group, that name choice would create a momentum to only use ass bombs to sow fear among the opponents of God.  As funny as that would be, humor should not limit our operational options.”

Bin Laden wrote one final letter instructing his followers to hire “some New York public relations firm” to help Al Qaeda come up with a catchy new name, a PR firm “preferably with a lot of Jews. Jews are so good at that kind of thing.  The Irish, not so much,” Bin Laden stated.

 

a public relations disaster.

The letter, which was undated, was discovered among bin Laden’s recent writings. Navy SEALs stormed his compound and killed him before any name change could be made. 

Federal Express

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Source: bin-laden-sought-name-change-rebranding-for-al-qaeda

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HEADLINE – Tall, obese men at higher risk for blood clots

Posted in Isnt nature wonderful?, morbid obesity, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, pandemic, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Uncategorized, USA! USA! USA!, What are you sick or something? on May 11, 2011 by paulboylan

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Finally, some good news for short, obese men.

Source: http://tall-obese-clots-20110429

HEADLINE – “Birthers” attack Obama for releasing birth certificate

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Mad Men, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, satire, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Uncategorized, USA! USA! USA!, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on May 1, 2011 by paulboylan

A prominent crazy person hooting like a loon on Fox News.

Donald Trump hooting like a loon for an audience in Las Vegas.

Sara Palin hooting like a loon for supporters in Boston

John Boehner hooting like a loon in Washington D.C.

Rick Perry hooting like a loon in Texas.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia hooting like a loon.

Michelle Bachmann hooting like a loon in Cleveland, Ohio

Mitt Romney hooting like a loon in Spartanburg, South Carolina.

MUNCIE - Republican leaders on Thursday slammed President Obama’s release of his detailed birth certificate as a distraction from the issue of whether or not he was born in the United States.

“Its a distraction from our distraction,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Preibus said on “CNN Newsroom,” referring to Obama’s decision to release his long-form birth certificate.

Reince Preibus with a silly big hammer. Like the kind of hammer a judge uses in court, but way bigger.

“The whole ‘show us your birth certificate’ thing was the greatest non issue in American political history, totally distracting millions of people from the real issues,” Preibus continued. “It’s maddening that the President would put an end to our yelling and screaming for him to show us his birth certificate by actually disproving our idiotic charges – charges that have never been made against any other sitting president or any candidate for the presidency.”

Born in Panama, but his citizenship has never been questioned.

“Well, that isn’t entirely true,” Preibus then admitted. “There was a persistent rumor that Grover Cleveland was born in Canada.”

Probably Canadian.

“But no one made an issue of it because Cleveland wasn’t …. he wasn’t like Obama,” Preibus said and ran off.

Preibus running away.

Most birthers feel the issue is not settled: “Okay, so he was born in Hawaii,” said Donald Trump, billionaire birther and possible Republican presidential candidate.

Donald Trump reacts to Obama proving he was born in Hawaii.

“But science has proven that the blacks, they just aren’t good in school. How could Obama go to Harvard much less be president?”

It just doesn’t seem possible.

“It just doesn’t make scientific sense. I am prepared to show that a black man couldn’t possibly have been smart enough to go to Harvard, and to prove it I have investigators researching Obama’s elementary school report cards.  The word is his grades were bad, very bad. The word is he failed gym because he wouldn’t play dodge ball, which is exactly what someone born in Kenya would do. The word is that Kenyans hate dodge ball.”

Everybody knows Africans prefer basketball.

“The only way a black man could get into Harvard is through Affirmative Action, so all the stories about Obama being a smart negro are clearly a fraud,” Trump concludes.

Trump, quoting “The Bell Curve” and loving it.

“Heck, do they even let those people go to college?” asked Marilyn Davenport, a Republican official in Southern California. “They didn’t allow that sort of thing in my day,” Davenport said.

Marilyn Davenport, arguing in favor of repealing the Voting Rights Act.

“It’s all fun, it’s all a circus, it’s all a rodeo, until it starts to smack of racism. And then it’s no longer fun,” late night talk show host David Letterman said.

“We dwell in a time when buffoons are elevated and presidents are compelled to respond to the jester. These circumstances cannot bode well for the republic,” said Kathleen Parker of the Washington Post.

“It’s not about proving anything that’s real. It’s about demonizing someone, in this case the president of the United States, by pursuing a lie under the guise of pursuing the truth. Some of the foot soldiers in this illicit campaign may be stupid, but the intent behind it is clearly thought out. If you don’t move away from it, you stand with bigotry and stupidity. We need to shine a light on those who, in the name of patriotism, defile the ideas they pretend to defend,” said Marcos Benton, in an editorial for the Sacramento Bee.

“This isn’t over,” declared Orly Taitz, real estate agent, plumber, soon-to-be-disbarred attorney and self proclaimed “Queen” of the birther movement.

Wait for it….

“I have a piece of paper that proves Obama is Hitler, Stalin and Martha Stewart,” Taitz said just prior to her head exploding from natural causes.

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Sources:

http://gop-pivots-on-birther-questions-blames-obama-html

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/david-letterman

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/birthers_buffoonery

http://www.sacbee.com/9 

Declaration of Sentiments and Resolutions – and Ray Gun Girls

Posted in 3D, Antique surgical instruments, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, dada, Droit de Suite, Droit Moral, космическая девушка, космическая девушка space girl, Fair Use, Family and Friends, Fire and Ice, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Fritz Lang, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, Nichola Tesla, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Review, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Science, Science Fiction, Space, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stoats, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wilhelm Scream, TV, Uncategorized, USA! USA! USA!, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on March 11, 2011 by paulboylan


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By now you know I kind of dig Space Chicks.

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In addition to writing substantively on the historical, sociological and geopolitical aspects of Space Chicks, my purely scholarly passion led me to become the worlds leading authority on subject.

Professor Boylan presenting a paper on Space Chicks at the University of Johannesburg, South Africa, in 2006

When I first determined the importance of Space Chicks as a pop culture phenomenon,  I soon observed that there is an important Space Chick subset that is best described as “Ray Gun Girls.”  Simply put, a Ray Gun Girl is a girl often, but not always, wearing a space suit in close proximity to a ray gun, often, but not always holding the ray gun.

Like Space Chicks in general, Ray Gun Girls first appeared on the cover of pulp magazines.

And when Space Chicks migrated from pulp novel covers to film and television, Ray Gun Girls began showing up there, too.

In all honesty, most Ray Gun Girl images are fetish driven manifestations of arrested male adolescent wish fulfillment, amounting to little more than soft core pornography.

However, as the years went by science fiction matured, and Space Chick images began to include strong, capable women who were fully realized heroic figures as complex and detailed as any male hero. As this happened, the images of Ray Gun Girls also evolved into something more serious and less sexist.


To me, the entire phenomenon is really quite fascinating. I don’t have the time or inclination to explore in this blog why there is such a driving interest to depict women holding ray guns.  The psycho-sexual implications alone would fill more space than I have to work with here. However, it is worth noting that the Ray Gun Girl concept is distancing itself from sex object utility and is increasingly being seen as a sign of feminist empowerment.


I’m taking the time here to provide you with the opportunity to judge for yourself.  Below is a gallery of Ray Gun Girl drawings and photos representing only what I was able to download in a few minutes before I gave up and went on to more serious business.  Nevertheless, this incomplete sample is the most comprehensive collection of Ray Gun Girl pics anywhere on or off the internet.

I present them in the order my computer imposed due to file title.

[If you don't see any gallery below, then you need to go back up to the top and click on the link entitled something like "The Ultimate Ray Gun Girl Gallery."

I take no responsibility for any offense that may result from anyone accessing and scrutinizing any of the photos in that gallery.]

A FANTASY REALIZED

Posted in Antique surgical instruments, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), It's not what you think, morbidly obese gymnasts, Our animal friends, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Small Town America, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wilhelm Scream, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on February 27, 2011 by paulboylan

Today I fulfilled a fantasy, and I just had to share it with y’all.

Every year, my wife throws an “Oscar party.”  If you know what that is, skip ahead in the story to where I go to the hardware store in my hit man outfit. If you don’t know what an Oscar party is, allow me to explain:

Every year the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences holds a gala event where they hand out awards for excellence in motion pictures arts and sciences.


The award is nicknamed the “Oscar.”  The United States is a movie culture (wrap your head around that one, if you can) and many, many Americans celebrate this pinnacle of commercialism and hold parties where groups of people watch the televised masturbatory splendor, eat, drink, make snide comments about the celebrities and hope that Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson or Gabrielle Union experience a spectacular wardrobe malfunction. Preferably all three simultaneously.

A Gabrielle Union impersonator

My lovely wife is one of these Oscarphiles, and every year we throw an Oscar party.

This year, as part of her party preparations, my wife purchased meat via the internet.  Not just any meat. When I opened the enormous box left at my front door and dug through the space age insulation, I found an enormous pork roast – so large that it won’t fit the largest roasting pan in existence, which we own and keep in the garage because it frightens small children and upsets our two cats when it is left unattended.

I can hear you saying “So what?  Just take a sharp knife and cut off a chunk so it will fit in the roasting pan.”

That is not an option – not with this roast.  There is bone running through it.  To cut off a chunk I need to cut through that bone, and I don’t have anything suited to do the cutting.


I called my local butcher, who declined my request to cut a chunk off of that big hunk of pork.  I offered to pay him. He still refused saying “We have a policy not to cut meat that wasn’t purchased from our store.”

Won't cut strange meat.

 

So my only option was to go to my local hardware store and buy a hacksaw and do it myself.

And that’s when I realized this was a rare opportunity to fulfill a fantasy.  Before I drove to Ace Hardware, I found and put on an old double breasted suit, a white tie and a pair of sunglasses.

 

I looked a lot like this.

 

I drove to the hardware store, walked in and approached the first employee I could find.

 

He looked a lot like this.

“Can I help you?”  the hardware store clerk inquired.

“Yeah. Sure. Maybe,” I said.  “See, I got this problem.  I need to cut through a large piece of bone.”

“Bone?” the clerk asked.

“Yeah, bone,” I replied, looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping.  “I never realized until very recently just how difficult it is to cut bone. My usual apparatus isn’t up to it,” I continued.  “You got any type of bone saw or something?”

“I – “

“You know, I figured a hacksaw would do, but if you got anything better, let me know.  I don’t mind paying for quality, if you know what I mean.”

Quality bone saws.

“I – I’m not sure we –“

“I bet you know what I mean. Know what I mean? Quality. Something I can hang onto just in case I need to cut through a couple of bones and I got a deadline and a car boot space problem, if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean, don’t you?”

By this point the nice gentleman was clearly upset and I was afraid he was going to run, so I laughed and told him I was kidding, and I told him the whole story about the huge piece of meat my wife bought on the internet and the bone I had to cut to reduce the size of the roast so it would fit my roasting pan.


And would you believe it? I ended up buying a genuine bone saw. They had one behind the counter in the back.


HEADLINE- Rep. Chris Lee resigns after reports of Craigslist flirtation

Posted in American Decline, Art, Barry Goldwater, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Droit Moral, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Family and Friends, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Internet Fun!, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Mad Men, Moral Rights, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Small Town America, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on February 12, 2011 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana - Rep. Chris Lee of New York abruptly resigned after a gossip Web site reported that the married Republican had allegedly sent flirtatious e-mail messages and a shirtless photo of himself to a woman he met online.

“In February of 2011 Representative Chris Lee was found to have been posting personal ads on Craigslist looking for women and lying about his age and marriage after e-mails and risque photos he sent to a woman were uncovered.”


“The liberal media is at it again,” said Shirley Blond-Bigbreast, Fox News anchor and GOP apologist.


“The real story here is that this latest incident is proof that the Republican Party is making progress solving right wing sex scandals,” Blond-Bigbreast said.  “Sure, Chris Lee solicited multiple strangers on the internet for sex and lied to them about his age and marital status, but least he isn’t gay.”


Sources:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/09/AR2011020906912.html

http://gawker.com/#!5756377/craigslist-congressman-resigns

Filed Under: RepublicansCongressRepressed homosexuality among conservatives
Tagged: chris leechris lee craigslistchris lee resignationchris lee shirtlesschris lee trying to look buff to impress what he clearly hopes is a stupid woman


HEADLINE – More Proof God Exists: Obese People More Likely To Die From Swine Flu

Posted in 3D, amusant, bacon, пицца, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Food, gülen yüz, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, health care, Horrible Coincidences, Humor, Isnt nature wonderful?, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, morbid obesity, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, Mysterious Mysteries, News, скарлетт йоханссон, pandemic, pork, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, snaaks, Stoats, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, פיצה, سياسة on January 9, 2011 by paulboylan


MUNCIE – Extremely obese individuals – those with a body mass index over 40 because they eat like pigs – have a significantly higher chance of dying from a H1N1 swine flu infection compared to people who do not eat like pigs, researchers revealed in the journal Clinical Infectious Diseases.

“This is more proof that God exists,” said Krista Schnurstein, a Bibleologist and Christian stand-up comedian.  “This joke took over a billion years to be told, which also illustrates God’s incredible patience.  The joke required humans and pigs to evolve, the H1N1 virus to evolve and be identified, as well as the process that eventually named it ‘swine flu.’ God’s majesty is truly apparent when you consider the slow evolution of the now universal comparison between fat people and pigs, resulting in this new research showing fat people more likely to die of swine flu – which is, essentially, a divine punch line,” Schnurstein concluded.

Advocates for the morbidly obese are more concerned about the emotional pain this new study will cause fat people. “Fat people are often made fun of by comparing them to pigs,” said Tina Finster, Director of Friends of Obese Dependents (FOOD), a non profit organization that lobbies on behalf of obese citizens trapped in their homes because they are too large to use ordinary doors. “We want to change the name of swine flu to something less insulting to fat people who contract that illness,” Finster said.

FOOD has polled its members to determine what term should be used to replace “swine flu.”  Based on the poll results, FOOD is sponsoring legislation that will require all state and federal government agencies to refer to swine flu by any of the following alternative names: cuddly-kitten flu, extra-crispy flu, chocolate-cake flu, fried-chicken flu, four-double-Whoppers-with-extra-cheese flu, or yes-I-want-fries-with-that flu.

REMEMBERING THE 2000 SAG COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE

Posted in 3D, American Decline, Art, Artists Rights, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Berne Convention, Brave New World, Cinema, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Droit de Suite, Droit Moral, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Fair Use, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Fritz Lang, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Getting it Right, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, Mad Scientists, Moral Rights, morbid obesity, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, music, News, Nichola Tesla, Op Ed, Our animal friends, pandemic, Parody, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, satire, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, South Korea, Space, Sports, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stoats, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Tasmania, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, TRIPs, TV, Uncategorized, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, West Korea, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on December 23, 2009 by paulboylan

If you are anything like me, then every so often – when the winter wind blows clean and fresh from the north – you are overcome by nolstagia for the halcyon days of the 2000 Screen Actors Guild Commercial Actors Strike.

Ah, those halcyon days! – when men selling things on television had to do without actors because actors who acted in television commercials wanted more money for their labor, but the major studios wouldn’t give them more money.  And so they went on strike.


Commercials got made and were broadcast without professional acting, and sometimes the results were simply wonderful.



The Discovery Channel used accounting and technical employees to act in a series of commercials that have since become legend, the first of which I feature below.

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AHHH!!!   THE ATMOSPHERE!!!!  AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

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RECENT FAN MAIL

Posted in Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Hubris, Humor, It's not what you think, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, Op Ed, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Rage Against the Machine, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on July 3, 2009 by paulboylan


article-0-023D558600000578-369_468x286


One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – recently wrote:

“you think you’re so smart but I am smarter than you and I rarely leave my house I spend all day doing research on the Internet looking up stuff about people I don’t like and then I spread gossip about them on the internet  I hate you I hate Jews and the Pope and illegal aliens why won’t they speak english like normal people english is the national language and they should be forced to speak it or they should go back where they came from but as I was saying before you interrupted me  you are a criminal and I bet all of your clients are criminals and you help them do criminal stuff I hope you die soon.”

houstonproud

Before you rush to my defense, sit back and think about what Penelope said.  He may be an under-medicated, uneducated, cross-dressing racist kook, but he raises one valid point that is worth discussing.  Most of my clients are not criminals, but some are.

A thought criminal I would be proud to represent

A thought criminal I would be proud to represent

Why do I represent criminals? It isn’t the money.  Representing criminals doesn’t pay as well as you might think.  Believe me, criminals rarely ever pay their bills.  I don’t want to stereotype anyone, but I can tell you from experience that criminals are incredibly cheap.  They hate spending money. 

Hated paying his attorneys.

I imagine it is because crime doesn’t pay as well as it once did. 

Trying to bundle and sell hand job derivatives.

Trying to bundle and sell hand job derivatives.

Whatever the reason, more often than not, my criminal clients do everything they can to avoid paying me for my time. So it isn’t the money that prompts me to represent them.  I do it because I believe that there is only one thing more dangerous than organized crime – and that is disorganized crime.  There is nothing that poses a greater risk to the public than a disorganized criminal.

Let me give you some examples (all of these really happened):

First: the Case of the Disorganized Jewel Thieves. Neiman Marcus is a high-scale department store in Beverly Hills that offer valet parking to its customers.  Three masked gunmen robbed the Neiman Marcus jewelry department, but they forgot they parked their car with the valet, and so had to take off on foot through residential Beverly Hills to escape the police. 

They were easily apprehended, but I think we can all agree that disorganized armed criminals running down the street dragging bags of money, jewelry and expensive shoes for their wives presents an extreme hazard to the community that could have been avoided if the criminals in question were a bit more organized and planned the robbery out in advance.

Next: the Case of the Disorganized Bank Robber.  Some poor fool tried to rob a bank using a paper bag over his head as a maks to hide his true identity.  But he forgot to cut holes in the bag so that he could see what he was doing and where he was going.  To compensate for his failure to properly plan the heist, the robber kept lifting the bag up so that he could see – which allowed the bank’s surveillance cameras to get a good look at his face.

Didnt think it through.

Didn't think it through.

This idiot used a gun to rob that bank – which is dangerous enough without the person holding the gun blinding himself by putting a paper bag over his head.  An organized bank robber would have presented less of a threat to the innocent bystanders in the bank.

Next: the Case of the Disorganized Drug Dealers.  A police car in a nearby town noticed a car weaving back and forth as is traveled down a city street.  When the car was pulled over, the police officer discovered that the car was weaving because the three men in the car were watching a video on a portable player while they were driving.  More importantly, the video was an instructional tape designed to teach the viewer how to grow and sell marijuana.  The police officer discovered one hundred pounds of marijuana in plastic bags piled on the car’s back seat.

Organized criminals would have watched the instructional video before getting in the car, which means the drug dealers would have been able to keep their eyes on the road.These are only a few examples proving the point that disorganized crime can be far more dangerous and presents much more of a threat to the health, safety and well-being of the public than organized crime. I do not condone criminal acts, but I am far more afraid of disorganized criminals than I am of the organized ones. An organized criminal would never think this would work.

I represent criminals because there always comes a time when I am sitting with them face to face and, after they tell all about what they did and they didn’t do, I get the chance to look them straight in the eye and ask “what are you, stupid?”   Maybe, just maybe, they will realize they are too disorganized to be a criminal and, knowing that, they will give up their criminal aspirations.

Feels better than it looks.

Feels better than it looks.

And maybe they will pay their defense attorneys.  That would be good, too.

I can dream, cant I?

I can dream, can't I?

HEADLINE – RARE WHITE TIGER VILIFIED

Posted in 3D, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Isnt nature wonderful?, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Our animal friends, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stoats, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags on May 29, 2009 by paulboylan



Ass. Press
Posted: 05/29/2009 05:57:32 AM PDT
Updated: 05/27/2009 05:57:34 AM PDT
WELLINGTON, New Zealand —

Ass. Press

Posted: 05/29/2009 05:57:32 AM PDT

Updated: 05/27/2009 05:57:34 AM PDT

WELLINGTON, New Zealand —  Princess, the rare white tiger that killed one of her handlers at a wild animal park in New Zealand, has become the target for international criticism.

“That tiger killed and tried to eat that guy,” said Bill Chen, Human Rights advocate based in Beijing, China. “That tiger should be destroyed,” Chen demanded.

“William Chen operates a disreputable restaurant that specializes in serving meals made from endangered species,” said Ingrid Bledsoe, Animal Rights advocate based in Billings, Montana. “Chen sees this as an opportunity to expand his menu,” Bledsoe asserts. “He wants it to replace his Trumpeter Swan Fricassee.”

Many around the world are demanding that Princess suffer some consequence for attempting to devour her caregiver.  But others offer a different perspective.

“Princess has given joy to thousands of children over the years,” says animal park worker Ted Smedby. “But do they call her ‘Princess, the giver of joy?” No, they do not. Now they call her ‘Princess, the tiger that tried to eat that guy.’  It is so unfair,” Smedby argues.

A STRATEGY FOR THE REINVIGORATION OF THE AMERICAN REPUBLICAN PARTY: SOME MODEST PROPOSALS

Posted in American Decline, Antique surgical instruments, Barry Goldwater, Brave New World, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Droit Moral, Getting it Right, Hapax Legomenon, Hate Crimes, Hubris, It's not what you think, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, South Korea, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, West Korea, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags , , , , , , on May 11, 2009 by paulboylan


People of Earth, it is looking bad for the American Republican Party.  Reliable polls show that 19% of Americans now identify themselves as Republicans, compared with 48% just half a year ago.


How could this have happened?

How could this have happened?

And it is getting worse.  Recently Arlen Specter – a long-serving moderate Republican Senator – became a Democrat.  Even Joe the Plumber announced that he is leaving the Republican Party. You know things are bad when the GOP has become “too creepy” for Joe the Plumber.

The GOP is devolving into a “rump party” – i.e., a political party that, due to rigid ideology, becomes isolated from the main currents of national American life.  Traditional “family values” Republicans should be very concerned about becoming a rump party, primarily because of the gay jokes it will inflict upon the GOP.

The Republican Party is shrinking because mainstream America no longer listening to the Republican message.  Instead of developing a new, more relevant message, leading Republicans are shouting the old GOP message louder and louder, leading to bizarre results.

The new Republican voter.

The new Republican voter.

For example, Republican political leaders have just gone crazy opposing new federal hate crime legislation that includes “sexual orientation” as a category.

Here is how the new law would work:  let’s say you punch someone in the face.  That is a crime called battery.  But under the proposed federal law, the penalty for that  crime would be enhanced if you call your victim a “fag” before hitting him.

The Republican Party snapped into action to oppose this bill.  Speaker after speaker in the House of Representatives forcefully warned that, if this new law is passed, it will “chill free speech.”

democrat stimulus bill passes house

“So-called ‘hate crime’ laws actually serve only one purpose -” said Kevin Theriot, Senior Counsel for the Alliance Defense Fund,  “- the criminalization of citizens based on whatever thoughts, beliefs, and emotions they have that are not considered to be ‘politically correct.’”

Mr. Theriot is wrong and anyone with half a brain knows it.  The new law does not punish people for their thoughts or beliefs. Even if the new law passes, every American will still have the God-given right to hate anyone as much as they want.  The new law doesn’t discourage you from walking up to any homosexual and saying “I hate you because you are a homosexual.”  The law doesn’t discourage that – but it does discourage you from punching him or her in the face after saying it.  The law does not “chill” speech, thought or feeling.  It chills assault.

And that’s the problem. The Republican Party isn’t opposing the new law to protect  free speech – the GOP is against the new law because they want to protect your right to punch a homosexual in the face because you hate homosexuals.

The Republican base.

The Republican base.

This does not play well with the  “post-Bush” American electorate. The vast majority of Americans do not hate homosexuals, don’t care if they can get married, and can’t understand why the GOP seems hell-bent on promoting hate by opposing laws that discourage acts of violence motivated by hate.

“It has nothing to do with hating homos,” explains the Reverend Trip Knuckles, an Evangelical Christian. “Our opposition to the new law has everything to do with discouraging our children from choosing the homosexual lifestyle,” said, Knuckles. “Fewer kids will decide to become gay if they are afraid they might get lynched if they do. The new law undermines that fear by discouraging violence against homosexuals. And that’s bad.”

Bad craziness.

Bad craziness.

Arlene Smedby, Chairwoman for The New Republican Majority, sees a different answer. “In the beginning, we hated blacks,” Smedby said. “ And that worked great.  Then came the Civil Rights movement and the American people stopped listening to segregationist slogans and passed laws against lynchings.  But the GOP adapted, replacing blacks with communists. When the Cold War ended, the GOP adapted again by targeting homosexuals. Gay bashing has had a good run, but now it is time for the GOP find some other group to hate.”

Other leading Republicans also advocate reform. “We risk losing our national political influence if we refuse to change with the times,” said Track Hemplin, unemployed rodeo promoter.  “I recommend we embrace homosexuals – not too close, of course, because you don’t know where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing – and refocus on hating illegal immigrants, especially the ones who refuse to learn English,” Hemplin concludes.

The perfect choice because they are powerless.

The perfect choice because they are powerless.

“Studies show that Americans will hate illegal immigrants just as much as they used to hate and fear blacks, commies and homos,” said Trig Smythe, just some guy waiting to buy crank outside of a Wasilla 7-11. “Hate is a traditional Republican unifying force.  But exploiting hate can be tricky.  We depended on enough people hating blacks, liberals and people with foreign sounding names to win the last election.  We didn’t realize how few people hate blacks, liberals and foreigners, even if their middle name is “Hussein.”  But I think we are on to something with illegal immigrants because they don’t speak English.”

A force for political unity.

A force for political unity.

“English is the American National language,” said SarahFan, an anonymous blogger. “I just want to punch people in the face who don’t speak English,” he/she/it said.

Will the GOP find a new group to hate before the party collapses?  Only time will tell.

HEADLINE – POLICE APPREHEND BIGGEST SERIAL KILLER

Posted in 3D, American Decline, Art, Avatar, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Droit de Suite, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Getting it Right, Globalization, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, music, News, Op Ed, Our animal friends, pandemic, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Tasmania, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Website of the Week, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags on May 1, 2009 by paulboylan


By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass. Press Writer – Thu Apr 30, 9:59 pm ET

LOS ANGELES – Police believe a 72-year-old insurance claims adjuster arrested earlier this month is the biggest serial killer in the city’s history.

“This guy is huge,” Capt. Denis Cremins said. “When we say we caught him laying around the house, we mean “around” the house.”

The suspect weighs over a metric ton and is so large that his arrest required two specially trained SWAT units just to put him in improvised handcuffs originally used to restrain emotionally unstable, bipolar hippos at the Los Angeles Zoo.

“We trained in Iraq, so my men are familiar with morbidly obese perpetrators,” Denis said. “But this is way beyond my experience.  How could he let that happen to him? He should be ashamed of himself.”

Serial killers often over-eat, said FBI profiler, David Carr. “It really is a big problem and it can lead to clinical depression. Without counseling and medical intervention, a serial killer’s uncontrollable appetite for fast food eventually interferes with their predatory activities, and when that happens suicidal thoughts are not uncommon” Carr explained.

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Source for headline:  http://largest-ever-serial-killer-captured.html

HEADLINES – Chinese Fitness Balls Recalled

Posted in 3D, American Decline, Avatar, Brave New World, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Fair Use, Family and Friends, Food, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Humor, Joseph Bleckman, morbid obesity, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Our animal friends, pandemic, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, TV, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags on April 19, 2009 by paulboylan

By RHAPPI KANASTA, Ass. Press Writer – 2 hrs 24 mins ago

BEJING – EB Brands on Thursday voluntarily recalled three million fitness balls made in China after reports that they can pop unexpectedly during use, causing the person using them to fall to the floor, despite the fact that the products specifically say they are burst-resistant.



“Balls work just fine in China,” said, Fuk Hu, EB Brands spokesperson. “This not Chinese problem. This stupid fat American problem,” Hu explained. “Smart fat American say “hey, I no sit on ball, too fat to sit on ball.”



“The only market experiencing these problems is in the United States and parts of Egypt,” said Paul Nicholas Boylan, attorney representing EB Brands. “The world industrial complex should not be required to cater to the grossly overweight American consumer,” said Boylan.



“Maybe stupid, lazy Americans not eat so much McDonalds,” said Fuk Mei, directors of the American Products Division of Asian Stuff, Inc. “You grotesquely obese. No surprise balls burst,” Mei said.

“Ball not broken when leave China. Ball fine,” Hu added.

The recall is expected to cost EB Brands millions of US dollars.

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This one is a bit disturbing.

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HEADLINE – PALIN SLAMS OBAMA FOR BOWLING COMMENT

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Getting it Right, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Men, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, South Korea, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, West Korea, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on March 21, 2009 by paulboylan


Alaska Governor Sarah Palin

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin

 

WASHINGTON (March 21) – Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin said she was “shocked” to hear President Obama’s offhand comment referring to the Special Olympics in an appearance on the Tonight Show on Thursday night.

“This was a degrading remark about our world’s most precious and unique people, coming from the most powerful position in the world,” Palin said just before walking into a closed door.

“Ouch,” Palin quipped, rubbing her nose and winking.

After winking again, Palin struggled to open the door until an aide showed her that, to open the door, Palin needed to pull, not push at the door.

“The sign on the door says “pull,” the aide noted.

The special aide to Governor Palin is paid for by the Republican National Committee from a special fund devoted to providing special aides to special Republican governors. The RNC provided George W. Bush with similar special aides during the eight years Bush served as Governor of Texas.

“I don’t know what I would have done without ‘em,” Bush quipped. “I gave them all nicknames so I could rememorize who they were so that I wouldn’t order them shot as spys,” Bush said before walking into a closed door.

“Dang it, I thought this door was open,” Bush said as he pulled on the door handle and made a goofy face. “Now, if I was still Governor of Texas, some guy would step up and open the door for me,” Bush noted.

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SARAH PALIN’S 2012 STRATEGY: (Part One)

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, Brave New World, Cinema, Evil Smiley Face, Get a job, Hapax Legomenon, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, It's not what you think, Mad Men, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Op Ed, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, South Korea, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, West Korea, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 18, 2009 by paulboylan


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I am now convinced that Sarah Palin will be the next President of the United States.

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milk-out-of-nose

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No, really.  I’m not kidding. This isn’t a joke. Let me tell you why.

In a recent interview posted on Youtube, Palin “set the record straight” about her humiliating performance in the last election.  Most of Palin’s explanation centered on  her refusal to answer Katie Couric’s question “what newspapers do you read?” Most political analysts interpreted Palin’s refusal as an attempt to hide that she doesn’t read and isn’t very well informed.  But that’s not what happened at all.

“We got it completely wrong,” admits US Political Thought Editor-in-Chief Zev Wlcshznksnk. “Palin didn’t answer because, if she revealed that she reads to stay informed, then she would have risked alienating her political base.

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Zev Wlcshznksnk

Zev Wlcshznksnk

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“During the Reagan Revolution, the Republican Party – a party of wealthy business interests – succeeded in convincing voters comprised of economically disadvantaged high school and college dropouts who lacked critical thinking skills to support Republican candidates,” Wlcshznksnk continues.

Other pundits agree. “The rise of the stupid voter demographic coincides directly with the decline in reading skills,” explains Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Research Director at the National Institute for Moronic Studies. “Those who lose the ability to think critically because they cannot or do not read enough become suspicious and resentful of anyone “smart” or who can “speak well” – a common reason many Republican voters said they distrusted Barak Obama.

Dr. Krista Schnurstein

Dr. Krista Schnurstein

When seen in this light, Palin’s failure to answer Couric’s question becomes shrewd, if not brilliant.  Her recent explanation of her failure to answer only reinforces the growing appreciation for Palin’s political skill – and her potential to be our next President.

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Palin said “to me (Couric’s) question was more along the lines of, do you read, what do you guys do up there, what is it that you read, and perhaps I was too fliffant [sic] in my answer back to her.”

If Palin’s explanation sounds like a poor excuse that makes no sense, then you are probably educated and read recreationally.  But to a stupid person, Palin’s seemingly bizarre attempt to rewrite the question makes perfect sense. Stupid people are often asked questions they don’t understand or can’t answer.  In response, they manipulate reality to hide their ignorance and/or incompetence.

“Stupid people believe their lame excuses because it is the only way to maintain their illusion of self-respect,” says Armando Schwartz, inventor of the Vegomatic.  “By creating the kind of excuse that a stupid person would use, Palin is, essentially, encouraging stupid people to identify with her because if they call her out on her lies it would be the same as challenging their own dumb excuses for their own failures,” Schwartz concludes.

8527stupid-people-posters

This explains why Palin is still out there saying stupid things.  When she does, she is manipulating the media into pointing out and criticizing every dumb thing she says and does.  And when the media does this, it forces stupid voters to take sides with Palin against those criticizing her.

stupid_voter1

“In order to appeal to stupid voters, it is essential to demonstrate inconsistency,” says Professor Alan Shainwooks of the National Institute for Stupid Studies. “Stupid people live in a state of virtually constant confusion as they try to figure out what is going on,” Shainwooks says. “And being stupid often goes hand in hand with having a poor memory. Combine confusion and poor memory with a stupid person’s almost pathological need to make up excuses for their failings and mistakes, and you get a person who can’t keep their story straight if their life depended on it.”

Palin amply uses this strategy. In response to her interviews with Couric, Palin first said she approved of the interview in advance.  Then she said the McCain campaign forced her to do the interview. Then she denied saying that, claiming that the interview was her idea. And now Palin has returned to blaming the McCain campaign for forcing her to do it.

“A smart person would be concerned about Palin’s seeming inability to tell the truth,” says Mary Hemplin, an international authority on political trends and the author of The Rise of Stupididy in American Politics. “But a stupid person wouldn’t realize that Palin is constantly changing her story and contradicting herself because a stupid person will only remember the last thing Palin says, and how shiny the buttons on her sweater are.”

Probably can't read.

A stupid voter?

Palin’s contradictory statements also serve to distance her from the real reason John McCain lost the election. “McCain’s people knew they couldn’t win the election unless he could rally the stupid vote,” Shainwooks observes. “But McCain’s ultimate strategic blunder was not leaving the stage to Palin. McCain stayed in the spotlight. His rationality and intellect alienated enough stupid voters to keep them from voting, and that is why Obama won.”

Cardinal Stanley Moran

Cardinal Stanley Moran

Palin demonstrates that she realizes this simple truth. By repeatedly blaming the McCain campaign for her failures she is attempting to appeal to those stupid voters who didn’t vote in the last election. And with critical reading skills continuing to decline and fewer students being able to afford a college education, Palin is betting that, if she can realize the full political potential of the growing stupid vote, it could put her in the White House.

Clyde Scoggins, a Palin supporter, is grateful for Palin’s efforts to avoid alienating her political base. “I got alienated once,” Scoggins says, “and those little guys did medical experiments on me and I wound up naked in a corn field. I sure don’t want that to happen again.”

Clyde Scoggins (right) and his cousin, Hank (left)

Clyde Scoggins (right) and his cousin, Hank (left)

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Get ready for a Palin administration, by golly.

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