Archive for the morbidly obese gymnasts Category

HEADLINE – Bin Laden sought name change, rebranding for Al Qaeda

Posted in dada, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Globalization, Headline, Headlines, Humor, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wrath of God, Travel, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 25, 2011 by paulboylan

The new, smiling, friendly face of international terror.

WASHINGTON—As Osama bin Laden watched his terrorist organization get picked apart, he lamented in his final writings that Al Qaeda was suffering from a marketing problem. He proposed Al Qaeda get a fresh start with a new name.

A friendlier image.

“The Crusader war against us has caused our name to lose its positive, favorable impression with the public,” Bin Laden wrote sometime in 2010. “We need a new, friendlier image,” Bin Laden concluded.

Bin Laden went on to make suggestions for a new name, including “Pal Qaeda,” “Jihad Is Us” and “Wahabi Wally’s Freedom Emporium.”  Al Qaeda in Iraq (AQR) lobbied hard to change their name to “Starbucks” or “Target” but Bin Laden warned his followers against choosing a name “that will only serve to draw us into protracted and expensive litigation, not to mention one that will cause great consumer confusion.”

Some of Starbuck's lawyers.

Al Queda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) suggested “The Ass Bomb Group” but Bin Laden chided AQAP and warned them not to choose a name that limited Al Qaeda’s operational parameters.

“I know how much you guys like to hide bombs in the rectums of idiot converts,” Bin Laden wrote, 

Idiot recruit (they actually convinced him to let them shove a bomb up his poop chute).

“…but a joke – even one that is rich with dramatic irony – should not create the framework within which we operate. If we called ourselves the Ass Bomb Group, that name choice would create a momentum to only use ass bombs to sow fear among the opponents of God.  As funny as that would be, humor should not limit our operational options.”

Bin Laden wrote one final letter instructing his followers to hire “some New York public relations firm” to help Al Qaeda come up with a catchy new name, a PR firm “preferably with a lot of Jews. Jews are so good at that kind of thing.  The Irish, not so much,” Bin Laden stated.

 

a public relations disaster.

The letter, which was undated, was discovered among bin Laden’s recent writings. Navy SEALs stormed his compound and killed him before any name change could be made. 

Federal Express

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Source: bin-laden-sought-name-change-rebranding-for-al-qaeda

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HEADLINE – Tall, obese men at higher risk for blood clots

Posted in Isnt nature wonderful?, morbid obesity, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, pandemic, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Uncategorized, USA! USA! USA!, What are you sick or something? on May 11, 2011 by paulboylan

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Finally, some good news for short, obese men.

Source: http://tall-obese-clots-20110429

HEADLINE – “Birthers” attack Obama for releasing birth certificate

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Mad Men, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, satire, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Uncategorized, USA! USA! USA!, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on May 1, 2011 by paulboylan

A prominent crazy person hooting like a loon on Fox News.

Donald Trump hooting like a loon for an audience in Las Vegas.

Sara Palin hooting like a loon for supporters in Boston

John Boehner hooting like a loon in Washington D.C.

Rick Perry hooting like a loon in Texas.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia hooting like a loon.

Michelle Bachmann hooting like a loon in Cleveland, Ohio

Mitt Romney hooting like a loon in Spartanburg, South Carolina.

MUNCIE – Republican leaders on Thursday slammed President Obama’s release of his detailed birth certificate as a distraction from the issue of whether or not he was born in the United States.

“Its a distraction from our distraction,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Preibus said on “CNN Newsroom,” referring to Obama’s decision to release his long-form birth certificate.

Reince Preibus with a silly big hammer. Like the kind of hammer a judge uses in court, but way bigger.

“The whole ‘show us your birth certificate’ thing was the greatest non issue in American political history, totally distracting millions of people from the real issues,” Preibus continued. “It’s maddening that the President would put an end to our yelling and screaming for him to show us his birth certificate by actually disproving our idiotic charges – charges that have never been made against any other sitting president or any candidate for the presidency.”

Born in Panama, but his citizenship has never been questioned.

“Well, that isn’t entirely true,” Preibus then admitted. “There was a persistent rumor that Grover Cleveland was born in Canada.”

Probably Canadian.

“But no one made an issue of it because Cleveland wasn’t …. he wasn’t like Obama,” Preibus said and ran off.

Preibus running away.

Most birthers feel the issue is not settled: “Okay, so he was born in Hawaii,” said Donald Trump, billionaire birther and possible Republican presidential candidate.

Donald Trump reacts to Obama proving he was born in Hawaii.

“But science has proven that the blacks, they just aren’t good in school. How could Obama go to Harvard much less be president?”

It just doesn’t seem possible.

“It just doesn’t make scientific sense. I am prepared to show that a black man couldn’t possibly have been smart enough to go to Harvard, and to prove it I have investigators researching Obama’s elementary school report cards.  The word is his grades were bad, very bad. The word is he failed gym because he wouldn’t play dodge ball, which is exactly what someone born in Kenya would do. The word is that Kenyans hate dodge ball.”

Everybody knows Africans prefer basketball.

“The only way a black man could get into Harvard is through Affirmative Action, so all the stories about Obama being a smart negro are clearly a fraud,” Trump concludes.

Trump, quoting “The Bell Curve” and loving it.

“Heck, do they even let those people go to college?” asked Marilyn Davenport, a Republican official in Southern California. “They didn’t allow that sort of thing in my day,” Davenport said.

Marilyn Davenport, arguing in favor of repealing the Voting Rights Act.

“It’s all fun, it’s all a circus, it’s all a rodeo, until it starts to smack of racism. And then it’s no longer fun,” late night talk show host David Letterman said.

“We dwell in a time when buffoons are elevated and presidents are compelled to respond to the jester. These circumstances cannot bode well for the republic,” said Kathleen Parker of the Washington Post.

“It’s not about proving anything that’s real. It’s about demonizing someone, in this case the president of the United States, by pursuing a lie under the guise of pursuing the truth. Some of the foot soldiers in this illicit campaign may be stupid, but the intent behind it is clearly thought out. If you don’t move away from it, you stand with bigotry and stupidity. We need to shine a light on those who, in the name of patriotism, defile the ideas they pretend to defend,” said Marcos Benton, in an editorial for the Sacramento Bee.

“This isn’t over,” declared Orly Taitz, real estate agent, plumber, soon-to-be-disbarred attorney and self proclaimed “Queen” of the birther movement.

Wait for it….

“I have a piece of paper that proves Obama is Hitler, Stalin and Martha Stewart,” Taitz said just prior to her head exploding from natural causes.

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Sources:

http://gop-pivots-on-birther-questions-blames-obama-html

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/david-letterman

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/birthers_buffoonery

http://www.sacbee.com/9 

Declaration of Sentiments and Resolutions – and Ray Gun Girls

Posted in 3D, Antique surgical instruments, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, dada, Droit de Suite, Droit Moral, космическая девушка, космическая девушка space girl, Fair Use, Family and Friends, Fire and Ice, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Fritz Lang, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, Nichola Tesla, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Review, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Science, Science Fiction, Space, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stoats, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wilhelm Scream, TV, Uncategorized, USA! USA! USA!, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on March 11, 2011 by paulboylan


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By now you know I kind of dig Space Chicks.

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In addition to writing substantively on the historical, sociological and geopolitical aspects of Space Chicks, my purely scholarly passion led me to become the worlds leading authority on subject.

Professor Boylan presenting a paper on Space Chicks at the University of Johannesburg, South Africa, in 2006

When I first determined the importance of Space Chicks as a pop culture phenomenon,  I soon observed that there is an important Space Chick subset that is best described as “Ray Gun Girls.”  Simply put, a Ray Gun Girl is a girl often, but not always, wearing a space suit in close proximity to a ray gun, often, but not always holding the ray gun.

Like Space Chicks in general, Ray Gun Girls first appeared on the cover of pulp magazines.

And when Space Chicks migrated from pulp novel covers to film and television, Ray Gun Girls began showing up there, too.

In all honesty, most Ray Gun Girl images are fetish driven manifestations of arrested male adolescent wish fulfillment, amounting to little more than soft core pornography.

However, as the years went by science fiction matured, and Space Chick images began to include strong, capable women who were fully realized heroic figures as complex and detailed as any male hero. As this happened, the images of Ray Gun Girls also evolved into something more serious and less sexist.


To me, the entire phenomenon is really quite fascinating. I don’t have the time or inclination to explore in this blog why there is such a driving interest to depict women holding ray guns.  The psycho-sexual implications alone would fill more space than I have to work with here. However, it is worth noting that the Ray Gun Girl concept is distancing itself from sex object utility and is increasingly being seen as a sign of feminist empowerment.


I’m taking the time here to provide you with the opportunity to judge for yourself.  Below is a gallery of Ray Gun Girl drawings and photos representing only what I was able to download in a few minutes before I gave up and went on to more serious business.  Nevertheless, this incomplete sample is the most comprehensive collection of Ray Gun Girl pics anywhere on or off the internet.

I present them in the order my computer imposed due to file title.

[If you don’t see any gallery below, then you need to go back up to the top and click on the link entitled something like “The Ultimate Ray Gun Girl Gallery.”

I take no responsibility for any offense that may result from anyone accessing and scrutinizing any of the photos in that gallery.]

A FANTASY REALIZED

Posted in Antique surgical instruments, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), It's not what you think, morbidly obese gymnasts, Our animal friends, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Small Town America, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wilhelm Scream, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on February 27, 2011 by paulboylan

Today I fulfilled a fantasy, and I just had to share it with y’all.

Every year, my wife throws an “Oscar party.”  If you know what that is, skip ahead in the story to where I go to the hardware store in my hit man outfit. If you don’t know what an Oscar party is, allow me to explain:

Every year the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences holds a gala event where they hand out awards for excellence in motion pictures arts and sciences.


The award is nicknamed the “Oscar.”  The United States is a movie culture (wrap your head around that one, if you can) and many, many Americans celebrate this pinnacle of commercialism and hold parties where groups of people watch the televised masturbatory splendor, eat, drink, make snide comments about the celebrities and hope that Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson or Gabrielle Union experience a spectacular wardrobe malfunction. Preferably all three simultaneously.

A Gabrielle Union impersonator

My lovely wife is one of these Oscarphiles, and every year we throw an Oscar party.

This year, as part of her party preparations, my wife purchased meat via the internet.  Not just any meat. When I opened the enormous box left at my front door and dug through the space age insulation, I found an enormous pork roast – so large that it won’t fit the largest roasting pan in existence, which we own and keep in the garage because it frightens small children and upsets our two cats when it is left unattended.

I can hear you saying “So what?  Just take a sharp knife and cut off a chunk so it will fit in the roasting pan.”

That is not an option – not with this roast.  There is bone running through it.  To cut off a chunk I need to cut through that bone, and I don’t have anything suited to do the cutting.


I called my local butcher, who declined my request to cut a chunk off of that big hunk of pork.  I offered to pay him. He still refused saying “We have a policy not to cut meat that wasn’t purchased from our store.”

Won't cut strange meat.

 

So my only option was to go to my local hardware store and buy a hacksaw and do it myself.

And that’s when I realized this was a rare opportunity to fulfill a fantasy.  Before I drove to Ace Hardware, I found and put on an old double breasted suit, a white tie and a pair of sunglasses.

 

I looked a lot like this.

 

I drove to the hardware store, walked in and approached the first employee I could find.

 

He looked a lot like this.

“Can I help you?”  the hardware store clerk inquired.

“Yeah. Sure. Maybe,” I said.  “See, I got this problem.  I need to cut through a large piece of bone.”

“Bone?” the clerk asked.

“Yeah, bone,” I replied, looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping.  “I never realized until very recently just how difficult it is to cut bone. My usual apparatus isn’t up to it,” I continued.  “You got any type of bone saw or something?”

“I – “

“You know, I figured a hacksaw would do, but if you got anything better, let me know.  I don’t mind paying for quality, if you know what I mean.”

Quality bone saws.

“I – I’m not sure we –“

“I bet you know what I mean. Know what I mean? Quality. Something I can hang onto just in case I need to cut through a couple of bones and I got a deadline and a car boot space problem, if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean, don’t you?”

By this point the nice gentleman was clearly upset and I was afraid he was going to run, so I laughed and told him I was kidding, and I told him the whole story about the huge piece of meat my wife bought on the internet and the bone I had to cut to reduce the size of the roast so it would fit my roasting pan.


And would you believe it? I ended up buying a genuine bone saw. They had one behind the counter in the back.


HEADLINE- Rep. Chris Lee resigns after reports of Craigslist flirtation

Posted in American Decline, Art, Barry Goldwater, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Droit Moral, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Family and Friends, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Internet Fun!, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Mad Men, Moral Rights, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Small Town America, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on February 12, 2011 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana – Rep. Chris Lee of New York abruptly resigned after a gossip Web site reported that the married Republican had allegedly sent flirtatious e-mail messages and a shirtless photo of himself to a woman he met online.

“In February of 2011 Representative Chris Lee was found to have been posting personal ads on Craigslist looking for women and lying about his age and marriage after e-mails and risque photos he sent to a woman were uncovered.”


“The liberal media is at it again,” said Shirley Blond-Bigbreast, Fox News anchor and GOP apologist.


“The real story here is that this latest incident is proof that the Republican Party is making progress solving right wing sex scandals,” Blond-Bigbreast said.  “Sure, Chris Lee solicited multiple strangers on the internet for sex and lied to them about his age and marital status, but least he isn’t gay.”


Sources:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/09/AR2011020906912.html

http://gawker.com/#!5756377/craigslist-congressman-resigns

Filed Under: RepublicansCongressRepressed homosexuality among conservatives
Tagged: chris leechris lee craigslistchris lee resignationchris lee shirtlesschris lee trying to look buff to impress what he clearly hopes is a stupid woman


HEADLINE – More Proof God Exists: Obese People More Likely To Die From Swine Flu

Posted in 3D, amusant, bacon, пицца, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Food, gülen yüz, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, health care, Horrible Coincidences, Humor, Isnt nature wonderful?, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, morbid obesity, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, Mysterious Mysteries, News, скарлетт йоханссон, pandemic, pork, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, snaaks, Stoats, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, פיצה, سياسة on January 9, 2011 by paulboylan


MUNCIE – Extremely obese individuals – those with a body mass index over 40 because they eat like pigs – have a significantly higher chance of dying from a H1N1 swine flu infection compared to people who do not eat like pigs, researchers revealed in the journal Clinical Infectious Diseases.

“This is more proof that God exists,” said Krista Schnurstein, a Bibleologist and Christian stand-up comedian.  “This joke took over a billion years to be told, which also illustrates God’s incredible patience.  The joke required humans and pigs to evolve, the H1N1 virus to evolve and be identified, as well as the process that eventually named it ‘swine flu.’ God’s majesty is truly apparent when you consider the slow evolution of the now universal comparison between fat people and pigs, resulting in this new research showing fat people more likely to die of swine flu – which is, essentially, a divine punch line,” Schnurstein concluded.

Advocates for the morbidly obese are more concerned about the emotional pain this new study will cause fat people. “Fat people are often made fun of by comparing them to pigs,” said Tina Finster, Director of Friends of Obese Dependents (FOOD), a non profit organization that lobbies on behalf of obese citizens trapped in their homes because they are too large to use ordinary doors. “We want to change the name of swine flu to something less insulting to fat people who contract that illness,” Finster said.

FOOD has polled its members to determine what term should be used to replace “swine flu.”  Based on the poll results, FOOD is sponsoring legislation that will require all state and federal government agencies to refer to swine flu by any of the following alternative names: cuddly-kitten flu, extra-crispy flu, chocolate-cake flu, fried-chicken flu, four-double-Whoppers-with-extra-cheese flu, or yes-I-want-fries-with-that flu.

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