HEADLINE – 2 ACCIDENTALLY SHOT AT GUN SHOW

Bought a gun at a gun show without a background check.

WACO, Texas – 2 people were injured at a gun show, completely baffling gun rights activists.

.

Inbred redneck gun owner contemplating the causes of gun violence.

.

“It is a complete mystery to me how on earth these two people could be accidentally shot a gun show,” said Skip Henderson, gun enthusiast, misogynist, homophobe, racist and sociopath.

.

Skip Anderson can buy this gun at a gun show without a background check.

.

At gun shows Americans – or anyone – can purchase automatic weapons without any background check being conducted.

.

“Hello, my name is Joe, and that is my real name. It is not a made up name. I am Joe. And I am interested in purchasing your AK-47 in a cash transaction. Oooo! Are those high-capacity ammunition magazine clips I see in that bag?”

.

 “I bet Obama snuck in here and shot those 2 people to make gun owners look bad so that he and his Negro Army can come and take away our guns” Henderson said.

.

.

“Guns are not responsible for these injuries and it is completely irresponsible to imply that guns have any connection to gun violence whatsoever anywhere in the world especially at a gun show,”  said Tripp Wightman, a gun rights activist,”doomsday prepper” and paranoid schizophrenic who buys guns at gun shows without any background checks and makes methane from his own excrement.

.

Mentally unfit to purchase a gun, but passed a background check because no court had ever declared him mentally unfit. So, like hundreds of thousands of people who should not ever own a gun, he was allowed to purchase one. And then he went to a political rally.

 >

“I will shoot anyone in the head multiple times using a semi automatic weapon with a fucking huge ammo clip,” Wightman said.  “I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought.  Oh yeah, the point I am trying to make is to make it very clear that I will shoot and kill anyone who argues that gun violence – the epidemic of gun violence that is sweeping across our nation and tearing apart the fabric of our society.  Hell, it happened again. I totally lost my train of thought.”

.

He purchased two hand guns, a shot gun, and a semi automatic rifle and passed all three background checks. No court had ever declared him mentally unfit. Consequently he was not in the federal database that is used to perform background checks of people buying guns.
After purchasing these guns, he went to the cinema.

.

“Where was I?  Oh yeah, I will brutally murder anyone who so much as implies that guns have anything to do with gun violence or attempts in any way to improve mental health care for background checks to prevent someone like me from buying all the guns I want.  And then I will mutilate their bodies.  And if possible, I will sell the body parts – including fluids – to raise money so I can buy more guns.  That is how much I love America.  That is how much I love the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution that protects my rights to own and use weapons that are designed to kill people. Lots and lots of people.  Lots and lots of smelly, anti-American sinners who are building socialist agnostic, atheist, and Catholic robots that steal my luggage, violate my rights and infringe on my personal freedoms,”  said Wightman.

.

He bought this gun at a gun show without a background check. And now he is watching your children walk to school.

.

“No one loves America more than me.  Or guns,” said Wightman.  “Did I tell you that I make methane from my own poop?  I do it to stop the government from reading my thoughts.”

“The only option I will consider to remedy what is arguably an epidemic of gun related deaths in the United States is  what the NRA proposed, and that is posting armed guards in every school in the country.  But I do not want any taxpayer money to pay for it.  I want these armed guards to be volunteers.”

.

Eager to volunteer.

.

 ”In other words, people like me,” Wightman concluded before adjusting the aluminum foil cap covering his head.

.

.

Gun owners are willing to kill in order to maintain unrestrained access to assault weapons and the lack of background checks for those buying automatic weapons.

.

UPDATE: subsequent to the posting of this story,  5 additional people were accidentally shot at gun shows in the United States.

.

CREATURE TAILS?

.

.

On Wednesday my blog traffic shot up suddenly.  I looked into it and found out that hundreds of thousands of people found this blog via the following search term:

.

CREATURE TAILS

.

Can anyone explain this?  Is there some weird sexual fetish trending out there that I am unaware of?

.

.

HEADLINE – Tornadoes hit Birmingham

.

BRISBANE, Australia – A series of tornadoes have hit local author and radio personality John Birmingham, causing minor injury.

“This is perfectly normal for this time of year,” said Nick Perriam, Director of the University of Queensland Meteorological Institute in Sydney. “Every January inclement weather sneaks up on and thumps authors as far south as Melbourne, especially those writers demonstrating a history of meteorological defamation,” Perriam explained.

Birmingham went afoul of the elements when he described bad global weather conditions in Without Warning, a novel based in a world where a mysterious force kills virtually all American citizens.

“Bloody weather,” Birmingham complained from the relative safety of his front porch.

.

Depicts terrible weather conditions.

.

HEADLINE – Strict security in place for birth of Beyoncé’s baby

MUNCIE, Indiana - Beyonce’s delivery of baby Blue Ivy was not some haphazardly thrown together ordeal — it was an elaborate plan involving a big security force.

The hospital held a meeting leading up to the delivery to discuss a security plan for the birth. The meeting between execs and security was held Friday afternoon and strict security was in place almost immediately, preparing for Beyonce’s late night delivery.

The goal – i.e., keeping Beyonce’s baby from killing and eating anyone or escaping the specially prepared cell by teleporting out into an unsuspecting world – succeeded admirably.

.

.

.

Source:  http://www.tmz.com/2012/01/08/beyonce-blue-ivy-baby/#.Twp5OpgzLzI

My Bananahead Nightmare (continued)

.

Apparently, some of you out there misconstrue my prior post’s serious nature.  I really am not kidding.  There is something about people putting bananas on their head that creeps me out. Big time.

I felt the GIF of Freddy Mercury fondling a bunch of bananas on his head would be horrifying enough. But it wasn’t.  So I am forced to show you the true extent of this sick perversion.

.

.

.

HEADLINE – Skydiving quadriplegic plunges to death in Montana

SALMON, Idaho (Ass. Press) – A quadriplegic skydiver plunged 18,000 feet to his death because he was unable to manually deploy his parachute, authorities said on Monday.

Zack Fogle, 27, died Saturday afternoon just minutes after he was tossed from an airplane during a celebrated skydiving event in northwest Montana that drew scores of Montana parachutists, said Flathead County Undersheriff Skip Henderson.

Fogle’s physical disability likely interfered with his ability to activate his primary parachute. “He hit the ground from a fall estimated at 120 miles per hour,” Henderson said.

“Falling at that speed, he probably left a sizable impact crater,” Henderson added.

An examination of Fogle’s equipment showed no malfunctions, suggesting the skydiver inexplicably failed to reach up and pull the cord to deploy his parachute.

Skydivers can manually deploy reserve chutes mid-fall, but physical challenges probably resulting from being paralyzed from the neck down likely prevented Fogle from taking advantage of what is considered a last-ditch but fail-safe practice, said Henderson, a licensed pilot..

A Montana State police investigation is under way and will likely take weeks, agency spokesman Allen Whiteman said Monday.

According to the Montana Parachute Association, improvements in skydiving equipment and training are credited for an overall decline in Montana skydiving deaths, which are the highest in the nation. However, the rate of skydiver accidental and unforeseeable deaths among quadriplegics - paralyzed from the neck down - who cannot, for some reason, deploy their parachutes, is rising, but is expected to improve as Montana’s supply of quadriplegic skydivers declines.

“This is a problem that will, essentially, fix itself, given enough time,” Whiteman said.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/01/skydiving-quadriplegic-pl_n_915737.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl2%7Csec3_lnk2%7C82987

A Grim Fairy Tale – THE NOVICE

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?

.

.

THE NOVICE

.

Once upon a time in a city carved out of the Central American jungles,  a novice priest of the Feathered Serpent sat on a stone bench in the High Priest’s ante chamber, waiting for the High Priest to finish with a sacrifice.

.

.

The novice rehearsed in his mind what he was going to say to the High Priest. Suddenly, the door opened, and the usher – resplendent in his brightly feathered robes – came out and beckoned the novice into the audience chamber. The High Priest was standing at the window, looking down at the bustling metropolis.

“Praise the Feathered Serpent,” the novice intoned.

The High Priest looked away from the window and barely acknowledged the salutation.

“Please sit down,” the High Priest said. He gestured to a stone bench by the wall. Both novice and High Priest sat down together.

“How long have you been a novice here at the temple?” the High Priest asked.

“Two years, Excellency.”

“Two years. I talked to the faculty about you. They tell me that you are a good student. Hard working and spiritually gifted.”

“Thank you, Excellency.”

“So what went wrong out there today?”

The novice expected the question, but not the bluntness of its delivery. He swallowed hard before answering.

“I have no excuse, Excellency.”

“I’m not looking for excuses. I want an explanation. You’ve been here two years. You’ve probably assisted in hundreds of sacrifices. Today was your first unassisted solo. So what went wrong?”

“I really don’t know, sir. Everything was going fine. I recited the prayer, made the first incision and reached into the prisoner’s chest cavity. I felt the Feathered Serpent watching over and guiding me, I swear. I’m sure the crowd felt it too. I found myself holding the beating heart up high, showing it to the crowd. It was glorious.”

.

.

“And then…” The High Priest prompted.

“And then the heart just slipped out of my hand and went flying. I think it hit someone in the head.”

The novice sat silent in his shame and disgrace. But then, to his utter amazement and relief, the High Priest laughed.

“You know,” the High Priest said. “many in the crowd hope that the priest performing the sacrifice will slip up.”

“You really think so?”

“It’s human nature. Heck, its cheap entertainment. The peasants even wager on it.”

“They do?”

“Yes. We tried to stop it once, but we gave up. I’m sure the betting was rather heavy on your first solo.”

“And I am thoroughly ashamed -”

“Don’t be. It happens to the best of us. I know.”

“To you?” the novice asked.

“No, but it happened to my great and noble predecessor.”

.

.

“Really?”

“Sure. I was there. The old coot hadn’t performed a sacrifice for over ten years, you know, being busy with administrative duties. But it was the Feast of the Flatulent Twins and he decided to do it himself. I’ll never forget it. There he was – on the sacrificial platform at the top of the pyramid – he made the cut, reached into the chest cavity, pulled out the heart, and lifted it up – still beating – to show it to the crowd below on the steps. And then, pop! It shot out his hand and up into the air. You never saw an old man move so fast. He tried to catch it with his other hand, but that heart shot into the air again. This went on for about five grabs when he finally missed and the heart plopped onto the steps in front of him. Talk about embarrassing.”

“It’s hard to believe.”

“Believe it. But the next day it was forgotten, and my old master served as high priest for another ten years, and even performed – successfully – a sacrifice or two. And that’s my point. Don’t let this little mistake shake your confidence. When you fall off of a llama what do you do? You get right back up on that llama and ride it!”

“Yes sir!”

“You have potential, young man. You might even have my job one day.”

“Oh, no, I’m not -”

“Sure you are. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. Anyway. There’s an opening for tonight’s sacrifice. Interested?”

“Yes, of course!”

“That’s the spirit.”

.

.

But it happened again. The Novice slipped at the evening sacrifice and the heart went flying.And the novice was banished from the priesthood forever.

.