Archive for the Our animal friends Category

HEADLINE – OFFICIALS CEASE WHALE RESCUE EFFORT

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Food, Headline, Headlines, News, Newt Gingrich, Our animal friends, snaaks on December 9, 2013 by paulboylan

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TAMPA, Florida –  Florida state officials have officially stopped their efforts to rescue ten pilot whales stranded in the Florida Everglades.

“Screw those whales,” said Cooter Babcock, appointed as Head Whale Rescuer by the State of Florida.

“I hate whales,” Babcock admitted.  You can’t hunt ‘em. You can’t eat ‘em. And you can’t claim you killed ‘em because they made you afraid for your life.  No jury would believe that. Not even in Florida,” Babcock concluded.

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Not a whale.
Not a whale.

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A GRIM FAIRY TALE – THE SOMBER TURKEY

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Food, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Grim Fairy Tales, Hapax Legomenon, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, Monsters, neşeli, Orcs, Our animal friends, Politics, Rage Against the Machine, rimshot wav download, snaaks, The Wilhelm Scream, USA! USA! USA!, سياسة policy on November 24, 2013 by paulboylan

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?

It is that time of year again.  I post this story every November as we North Americans get closer to our Thanksgiving feast – which invariably features a big roasted turkey.

My friends, I give you…

The Somber Turkey

Once upon a time, outside of the Kingdom of Woodland, east of Winters, in the Land of California, there lived a happy turkey farmer named Hannigan.  He loved raising turkeys, killing them, and selling them – in part or in whole – to clients all over California – where turkey eating was a big thing, especially during Thanksgiving and Christmas.


On Hannigan’s turkey farm lived a happy turkey named Norman.  Norman was the happiest and most contented turkey the world had ever known because he was the biggest turkey anyone had ever seen.  Farmer Hannigan often brought other humans to marvel at Norman’s size and physical beauty.

“That’s gonna be some big turkey,” the human visitors would always say.

“Yep,” Farmer Hannigan would always reply.

Farmer Hannigan was happy, which made Norman happy. Norman was proud of the fact that he was so big and fat with lots of white meat, whatever that was.

The other turkeys knew how Norman felt, because he was always bragging about himself.

“I’m gonna be some big turkey!” he would say.

The other turkeys got fed up with Norman’s bragging.  One day Leonardo decided to do something about it.

Leonardo was not an especially big or happy turkey. Not being big didn’t make Leonardo unhappy.  He could give a rat’s ass about how big he was.  He didn’t buy into that neo-fascist farmcentric value system.  Leonardo was a fiery-eyed revolutionary with a strong interest in pragmatic Marxism.

Leonardo

“You are one fine, big turkey,” Leonardo said to Norman one day.

“Yes, I am,” Norman preened.

“You know what they’re going to do to you because you’re so big?” Leonardo asked.

“Admire me,” Norman said, meaning it.

“Sure they are.  They’re going to admire how good you taste,” Leonardo said.

“I beg your pardon?” Norman asked.

“They’re going to eat you, buddy.  In a couple of months they’re going to catch you, kill you, cut off your head, pull out all of your feathers and your internal organs, cook you and eat you, and they’re going to pick you first because you’re so big.  Lots of white meat.”

“Oh, my god!” Norman said.  “They’re going to eat me!”

Norman realizes the truth.

“You mean you didn’t know?”

“No!”

“Everyone else knows.  Why do you think that so many turkeys die while they’re drinking water?”

“Because they forget to breath?” Norman suggested.

Leonardo laughed. “You believe that?  It’s a lie invented by the Man.  Have you ever forgotten to breath?”

“No.”

“Of course not. You got to be really stupid to forget to breath.”

“But we are pretty stupid.”

“No we’re not.  That’s just a lie to keep us down, to ruin our self esteem so we will be easy to exploit and so we won’t cause any trouble.  I’ll tell you why some turkeys die drinking water. Depression.  They’re depressed.  Why else do you think those other “stupid” things happen?  Why do you think some turkeys kill themselves by opening their throats in the rain and drowning?  Why do you think hens sit on their eggs so hard they break the eggs?”

“Oh my god, they’re killing their babies,” Norman said, in horror.

“Right.  They know what’s in store and they can’t take it. Would you want someone to eat your babies?”

“No,” Norman said.  “What can I do?” he asked, whispering in abject terror.

“Maybe I can get you out of here,” Leonardo said.  “On the outside there is an underground network of birds and humans who can take you to a place where you will be free.”

“Interested?”

“Of course!”

“Okay  I’ll see what I can do.”

Time went by.  Leonardo often spoke with Norman, teaching the bigger bird the truth about the world, teaching him hatred for the seemingly unbreakable power structure that doomed him and his race to be imprisoned, enslaved, slaughtered and devoured by killer apes.

“But remember,” Leonardo cautioned one night. “Not all humans are ravenous cannibals.  Some are good, and eat only plants and bugs.  These are the ones that help some of us get away.”

“How?” Norman asked in the star lit darkness.

“Every now and then there is a condition called Dark of the Moon, when there is no moon out and the darkness is as total as it can be.  During this time, a human jumps the fence and opens a big box. As many of us run in as we can.  We call it the Box of Freedom.”

“Just one box?”

“Yes, one box, but it is a big box, and it is better that some of us escape to keep the flames of hope burning.”

“I hope we both make it, brother,” Norman said.

“Me too, brother.  Me too.”

Then came the Dark of the Moon.  The turkeys were all quiet, making sure that there was no reason for Farmer Hannigan to investigate.

Suddenly the man with the box appeared.  He placed a big box on the ground and opened the side.

“This is it, brother!” Leonardo said, running.  Norman followed.

Leonardo made it into the box.  Norman didn’t get in before the man closed the box.

“Don’t worry, brother!” Leonardo cried from inside the box. “I’ll be waiting for you in paradise!”

But it didn’t happen.  The friendly human with the big box didn’t come back.  And Thanksgiving approached.  Leonardo was right – they came for Norman first.

Farmer Hannigan and his employees placed Norman in a big wooden crate built out of slats so that Norman could see and breathe.  Then Norman was carried to a truck, to an airport, into the belly of a jet, into another truck, and onto a large lawn next to a big white house.  Eventually, humans came to set up a lectern, chairs and cameras.  More humans came.  Some talked at the lectern in front of the crowd.

And then Norman’s cage was opened and gentle hands removed him from the crate.

“My god,” one human said.  “This had got to be the biggest turkey I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s why the President is getting it,” another human said, not trying to make a joke.

Norman was brought to the front of the crowd.  One human in a black suit made a short speech to another man, also standing in front of the crowd.  Humans in the audience took pictures with still and video cameras.

And then Norman did it.  He thrust out his neck and tried to bite the man who wasn’t giving the speech.  Norman knew that he just couldn’t go gently into that good night.

The man giving the speech reached out, grabbed Norman’s long neck and choked Norman.  Other humans helped stuff Norman back into the crate.

“That is one feisty bird,” the President quipped, and the reporters laughed.


In those days it was customary for the President to display generosity, and pardon the White House Thanksgiving turkey.  So Norman was taken to a farm in Virginia, where he lived for the rest of his natural days.

Leonardo was not so lucky. He ended up as dinner for the man with the big box, who was nothing more than a thief who just couldn’t get over how stupid those turkeys were and how they would be so quite and just waddle into the box, as if they wanted to be eaten.

Which was, from the thief’s point of view, always possible.  After all, turkeys are so stupid.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

 

A GRIM FAIRY TALE – THE ZOMBIE KITTEN

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Grim Fairy Tales, Our animal friends, pandemic, zombies, سكارليت جوهانسون on October 15, 2012 by paulboylan

It is that spooky time of year again, and that means more Grim Fairy Tales.  This next one was pulled from the archives of the now defunct but fondly remembered Journalspace that, like a ghost, was there one minute, and then vanished the next.

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THE ZOMBIE KITTEN

Once upon a time there was a zombie kitten.

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The story of how she became a zombie is long and complicated and would be a huge waste of time to tell.

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All you need to know is that she was a kitten who died and came back to life as a zombie.

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Which meant she was very sad.  No children wanted to pet or cuddle her.  They would always run in abject terror when they saw her.

You see, being a zombie meant she had an insatiable desire to kill other creatures and eat their brains.  To be honest, it didn’t cause any trouble as long as she was hunting birds and rodents and eating their brains.  But it didn’t stop with birds and rodents.  And that really prevented her from becoming a pet that is loved.  Which is all she wanted.  She just wanted to be loved.

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She tried everything to find a family to adopt her.  She would run into houses when the door opened.  She would mew piteously in the rain.  She spent a small fortune and used a lot of favors to put up posters showing her picture with the words “lost kitten” in the hopes that someone would see her and take her in while her true owners were located.  She hoped some nice family would just fall in love with her and want to keep her.

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These tactics worked once or twice.  But the whole brain-eating thing always ended up ruining everything.

One rainy night, some family she was haunting finally had enough of her running into their house when the door was open and mewing piteously in the rain. They tricked her into a box, baited with some cow brains, and took her to the Animal Shelter where they tossed her unceremoniously into the night drop box.

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The shelter staff didn’t know what to do with her. It soon became evident that she was a zombie kitten and she was put in a cage all alone. The shelter staff knew no one would claim her and that no one coming in to adopt a pet would want a pet that would eventually attack them and try to eat their brains. So they had to kill her, but how do you kill one of the Undead?  No one at the shelter was willing or ready to shoot that zombie kitten in the head.

 Eventually they decided to cremate her along with a load of gassed, unwanted, unclaimed, unloved animals. The shelter staff didn’t know if this would work, but they figured it was worth a try.

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Then – on the day the zombie kitten was scheduled for cremation – in walked a man and a woman and their daughter.  They were a zombie family looking for a pet. Ordinarily, zombies are not allowed to adopt children or pets – for obvious reasons – but the shelter made an exception and let the zombie family adopt the zombie kitten.

It was a win-win solution for all concerned.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  You never know.

 

HEADLINE – SUSPICIOUS MONKEY DEATH IN DAVIS

Posted in Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Isnt nature wonderful?, News, Our animal friends, Paying Attention with tags on October 6, 2012 by paulboylan

DAVIS –  The death of a monkey found  in a research lab hanging from a light fixture with a bungee cord wrapped around its neck has been ruled a suicide.

“Our preliminary investigation has determined that Jojo killed himself,” said Sgt. Helen Smedby of the U.C. Davis Police Department.

“Why would a monkey commit suicide?” asked animal rights advocate Jason Dante. “This monkey didn’t die by his own paw.  This wasn’t the result of auto erotic asphyxiation gone wrong.  This monkey was killed because of what he knew.”

“What can a monkey know?” asked UCD Primate Researcher Center Director Hans Gruber. “They know lots of things. They know bananas taste good.  They know they like to throw their poo.  But they don’t know anything that could get them killed. We’re talking about monkeys here.   They aren’t subject to depression or ennui,” Gruber added.

Jojo was described by those who knew him as a loner who kept to himself.

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YES, BUT WHAT DO THEY HAVE TO SAY?

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Brave New World, buffo, Cowboys and Aliens, Fashion Forward, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, News, Our animal friends, Paul Ryan, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, What are you sick or something? with tags , , , , , , , on October 3, 2012 by paulboylan

The medium is the message.

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“The cows are all liars!!” yelled Farmer Brown when he heard the news.

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HEADLINE – POLAR BEAR SCIENTIST CLEARED OF MISCONDUCT

Posted in amusant, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Canada, Crime and Punishment, пицца, Free Utilization Doctrine, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Isnt nature wonderful?, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, ученые, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, public outrage over the waste of public money, Research and Development, snaaks, The Wilhelm Scream, مصارعه, سياسة on September 30, 2012 by paulboylan

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The relationship was determined to be consensual.

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A GRIM FAIRY TALE – The Schnauzers of Boogerville

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Dogs, greannmhar, Grim Fairy Tales, kluchtig, lächerlich, Our animal friends, Politics, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana! on August 31, 2012 by paulboylan

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“Hello, children. Would you like to hear a story?”

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THE SCHNAUZERS OF BOOGERVILLE

            Once upon a time on Earth 35916782(a) there was a small town called Boogerville. In this town there lived a most contented family of schnauzers.  Poppa worked at the paper mill where he supervised the maintenance crew.  It was a humble job but it had lots of responsibility. Poppa was proud of the work he did and proud of the men he supervised.

            Momma worked in the family home taking care of her two puppies, Jessica and Max.  Jessica, being the older of the two, had a fine sense of responsibility. She loved her little brother very much and did all she could to keep him out of trouble, but somehow trouble always found Max.  He was always falling into puddles and chasing cars.  But overall, Jessica and Max were good dogs. Momma and Poppa were proud of them and loved them very much.

            One day while Poppa was reading his newspaper at breakfast before work, he read that people wanted to change the name of Boogerville to something else.  The article said that there was going to be a town meeting that night to decide the issue.

            “They want to change the name of Boogerville,” Poppa said to Momma as she scrambled eggs for breakfast.

            “For heaven’s sake, why?” Momma asked.

            “Some folks are embarrassed by our town name,” Poppa read. “They think it hurts business and depresses property values.

            “What are property values, Poppa?”  Jessica asked, stirring her Cream of Wheat.

            “Well, honey, property values are something grownups talk about when they lack conversational skills.”

            “Oh,” Jessica said, sounding a little sad.

            “I’m an astronaut!” Max yelled as he ran through the kitchen with a bucket on his head.  Max bumped into the wall and fell to the ground, moaning.

            “Oh, that boy,” Poppa said, smiling and shaking his head.

            “He sure is,” Momma agreed.

            “Well,” Poppa said, putting down his newspaper. “I think it is terrible that they want to change the name of Boogerville.  Our town has been Boogerville since before the War for Independence!  It is wrong to change it because some people don’t like it.

            “But what can we do?” Momma asked.

            “We can go to the meeting tonight and tell them how we feel about it!” Poppa proclaimed.

            So that night after work on the day of the big meeting Poppa dressed in his very best and most expensive suit. Momma put on her prettiest dress. Jessica combed her fur and Max chewed on a pair of slippers.

            They walked together, with Poppa in the lead, all the way across town to City Hall where the meeting was taking place.  The schnauzer family found seats somewhere in the middle of the auditorium and listened quietly as Councilman Hamphister spoke.

            “I am tired of being embarrassed by the name of the town I live in!” he proclaimed. “I think I speak for everyone here when I say that Boogerville is a terrible name for a town!  We need a new name.”

            “Thank you, Dick,” the Mayor said as Hamphister sat down. “Unless there is someone else who wants to say something, I move that we vote –“

            “I have something to say,” Poppa said and his voice rang out through the hall.  Everyone watched as Poppa walked up to the podium and, standing on a chair in front of the lectern, began to speak.

            “I must oppose any motion to change the name of our town,” Poppa began.  “For the last two hundred and seventy-five years this place has been called Boogerville. The Battle of Boogeville was the turning point in the Civil War.  Two American Vice Presidents were born in Boogerville. Instead of being embarrassed, we should hold our heads up with pride!  The sons of Boogerville fought in the American Revolution, the War of 1812, the Civil War, the Spanish American War, and both World Wars.  We fought for freedom in Korea and Vietnam.  Now our sons and daughters serve with distinction in the Middle East.  Our humble town is a center for business and art.  Our schools are the best in the Tri-State area.  We say hello to each other on the street and we help each other during times of trouble.  We are the children of Boogerville, and I say we hold our heads up high with pride and proclaim to the world “Boogerville is my home!”

            Poppa finished, staring defiantly into the crowd.  And then, out of the hushed silence, someone shouted “Hey! It’s a talking dog!”

            The crowd descended upon Poppa. Momma, Jessica and Max made a run for it, but it was too late.  Only Max got away.  Poppa, Momma and Jessica were put in a cage and sold to a university where they were subjected to unspeakable medical experiments. Max ended up performing in a traveling carnival as Jojo the Talking Dog Boy.  He wasn’t happy, but at least he ate regularly.

THE END

MORAL OF THE STORY:  If you are different in any significant way, don’t ever let anyone know or you might end up being used for medical experiments.

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CREATURE TAILS?

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Celebrity, dada, космическая девушка, Internet Fun!, Mysterious Mysteries, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on August 10, 2012 by paulboylan

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On Wednesday my blog traffic shot up suddenly.  I looked into it and found out that hundreds of thousands of people found this blog via the following search term:

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CREATURE TAILS

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Can anyone explain this?  Is there some weird sexual fetish trending out there that I am unaware of?

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AMERICA EXPLAINED

Posted in American Decline, Cowboys and Aliens, dada, Fashion Forward, Hapax Legomenon, ανόητο άτομα, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, The Great State of Montana!, USA! USA! USA! on August 10, 2012 by paulboylan

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Well, maybe not explained, but certainly illustrated:

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IT SEEMS SO OBVIOUS

Posted in amusant, Our animal friends, Travel on June 15, 2012 by paulboylan

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MY NEW AVATAR

Posted in Avatar, Dogs, gülen yüz, greannmhar, lächerlich, скарлетт йоханссон, Our animal friends, Uncategorized, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on May 31, 2012 by paulboylan

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I know exactly what that dog is thinking.
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THE BEST HOMOPHOBIC RANT – EVAR!

Posted in American Decline, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Crazy People, Early-onset dementia, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, greannmhar, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God on May 12, 2012 by paulboylan

This lady is speaking against the adoption of an “equal treatment” ordinance.

 

SOME PARENTS SHOULDN’T BE PARENTS

Posted in 3D, American Decline, Brave New World, Celebrity, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Fashion Forward, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Isnt nature wonderful?, ανόητο άτομα, Kim Kardashian, Monsters, News, neşeli, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, Rage Against the Machine, Small Town America, Television, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار, سياسة with tags , , , , on May 3, 2012 by paulboylan

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“Pout, baby, pout! Give me all you got! Oh yeah… Yeah! That’s it. Now walk slower. No, slower….”

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At least they didn’t dress her up like a pot of honey.

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PROOF DOGS CAN READ

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Dogs, космическая девушка, Food, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Hapax Legomenon, 재미, αστείος, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Small Town America, snaaks, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, خنده, خنده دار on May 1, 2012 by paulboylan

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HEADLINE – Obama ate a dog

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Dogs, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Grim Fairy Tales, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann Crazy, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Politics, pork, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار on April 18, 2012 by paulboylan

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 I take full responsibility and credit for this rumor./ 

 

UPDATE:

That dog had it coming, man.

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THREE STOOGES (a fair and balanced comparison)

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Barry Goldwater, buffo, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Early-onset dementia, GOP, Internet Fun!, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Money and Power, Mordor, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, Politics, presidential candidate, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on March 7, 2012 by paulboylan

Here are three stooges:

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Moe, Curly and Larry.  

Moe is their leader. It is generally agreed-upon by pundits and intellectuals alike that Moe is head stooge and calls the shots for the other stooges.

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Here are three more stooges:

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This is not a balanced group of stooges. They appear to be three Larries.  Maybe a  Curly or two. One may aspire to be Shemp.  But who is their leader? Who calls the shots?  At best – and I do mean best – Santorum is Moe (bossy), Romney is Larry (easily confused) and Gingrich is Curly (a fat goof). At best.

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I just love the word “stooge.”

Stooge.

Ha!

A GRIM FAIRY TALE – Free Among the Monkeys And Elephants

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Art, Cowboys and Aliens, Grim Fairy Tales, Hubris, 재미, αστείος, скарлетт йоханссон, Our animal friends, Pop Culture, The Great State of Montana!, The River of Time, the snows of yesteryear, The Wilhelm Scream, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك on March 6, 2012 by paulboylan

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“Hello, children. Would you like to hear a story?”

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I just saw a ten minute preview of the new movie John Carter, and it got me thinking.

I’ve met a lot of professional writers, many of which I admire as artists who have skills I cannot and could not possibly match.  But not all the writers I’ve encountered in my life fit that description. The simple fact is that being a good writer and being a successful writer are often different things and depend on factors that have nothing to do with skill.

So I see the John Carter preview and it looks great. And I am reminded of the book and the author that inspired it back in 1912 – exactly a century ago. And I realize, again, that no one can say what is good or predict with any accuracy what will last.

What follows isn’t exactly a grim fairy tale, but it’s close enough to fit in that category.

So, without further faffing, I give you…

FREE AMONG THE MONKEYS AND ELEPHANTS

On night in late October, 1913, in Dover, England, in a pub at the bottom of a hill, in the shadow of Dover Castle – walking distance to the beach where Matthew Arnold heard ignorant armies clashing by night – George Bernard Shaw was working hard to persuade Lydia, an aspiring American actress, to have sex with him.           

“Should we be going?” Lydia asked.  The piercing cry of gliding seagulls sounded loudly throughout the thick seaside darkness. “The train back to London leaves in ten minutes.”

 “We can catch the next one,” Shaw responded. 

 “Do you really think you can get me a reading for Liza?”

 “I am the playwright.  Of course I can.”

 “But I don’t know how to do a cockney accent.”

 “That’s won’t be a problem,” Shaw said.  “I can teach you.  Look, since we’re waiting for the next train, why don’t we take a walk down to the beach?  Matthew Arnold wrote his famous love poem there.”

  “Who? Lydia asked.

 “Never mind,” Shaw said, taking her hand and guiding her out of the pub.  They passed where James Joyce sat with his traveling companion and lover, Nora.  Joyce listened to Nora and watched her face as she drank pint after pint of bitter, dark, thick beer.   He listened as she talked about her sex life prior to meeting him.

“I think he made them a bit firmer sucking on them so long,” she slurred, nourishing her thick Irish working-class accent each time she lifted her glass and gulped beer. 

Joyce and Nora were on their way to Paris from Dublin by way of London.  Joyce was struggling to find a publisher for two books – a collection of short stories and a short semi-autobiographical novel.  At that moment, in the middle of her beer-sodden reminiscence, Nora could not have cared less.

 “He made me spend the second time tickling my behind with his finger,” Nora laughed, red eyed.

Joyce smiled and nodded, encouraging her to continue. 

 “I tried it with the banana,” she confessed. “But I was afraid it might break and get lost up in me somewhere.”  Joyce looked concerned, but wasn’t.  He listened carefully, trying with all his might to memorize every single word.

In the same pub, Edgar Rice Burrows sat with his friend and fellow writer, William Seabrook.  Burrows eagerly described a novel he was writing.

 “Thuvia is this voluptuous Martian princess,” he began

 “Are there any other kind?” Seabrook asked.  He genuinely liked Edgar, and admired his success as a popular writer, but nevertheless believed that Burrows was an idiot.

“She is in love with the son of John Carter, the Warlord of Mars -” Burrows explained.

“The Martian princess?”

 “Yeah.  So she’s in love with this big warrior type who can jump really far and high because his father is from the Earth.”

 “He can jump high because his father is from Earth?”

 “Yeah.”

 “Sort of like a handsome, muscular grass hopper.”

 “Look, do you want to hear about this or not?”

“Yes, I’m sorry. Please go on.”

“So Carthoris – that’s the guy – he has the hots for Thuvia -”

 “Carthoris and Thuvia?”

“Yeah.”

 “Sounds like a bad Shakespearian play.”

 “So she’s got the hots for him, too, but bad guys kidnap her and make it look like Carthoris did it.”

 “So he sallies forth to rescue her.”

 “Yeah. What do you think?”

“Charming.  But tell me about that ape-man novel you are writing.”

“Sure.  It’s based on the short story I published.  Did you read it?”

 “No, but I’m still interested. It is about a man who is half man, half ape, if I remember correctly.”

“Not half-man half-ape.  He is an ape-man named Tarzan.”

“Whatever.  You say that your publisher is willing to pay you in advance to write it?”

 “Yeah.”

 “Well then, why waste your time with your Martian Romeo and Juliet until you’ve finished the Tarzan novel?  What are you going to call it?”

“Tarzan.”

 “I should have guessed.  Sort of a foreign adventure piece I take it?”

“On, yeah. Lots of adventure.  Tarzan is a guy who was raised in the African jungle by apes.”

“It sounds ghastly.  Are you sure they’re going to pay you for this?”

“You bet.”

“I wonder what the appeal is?” Seabrook pondered.

“Every guy wants to be Tarzan,” Burrows explained.  “Tarzan has everything a man could want.”

“Fleas?”

“Tarzan doesn’t have fleas,” Burrows said, irritably.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not going to give him any,” Burrows said. “I’m giving him a great life.  He’s king of the beasts, lord of the apes.  He can talk to elephants.” 

“Elephants?”

“He can call elephants if he needs them.”

“Why would he need elephants.”

“If he needs a ride, or if he needs help.”

“How helpful can an elephant be?” 

“Lets say he’s surrounded by bad guys, and there’s no way out.  Well, he calls to the elephants and they come and trample the bad guys.”

Deus Ex Elephant?” Seabrook asked.

 “What?”

  “Never mind.”

  “The point is that Tarzan does what he wants.  He is totally free from the pressures of the modern world.  He could have been anyone, any one of us.  And that’s my point.  I want the reader to think, ‘Hey, if I had been dropped into a jungle, I could have been Tarzan.  Tarzan and me are the same guy, we were only brought up different.”

 “You see this Tarzan as leading some kind of idyllic life?”

 “Not idyllic – ideal.  Idyllic lives are boring lives.  Tarzan faces plenty of danger to keep things interesting.  And there are things missing that he really needs.”

“Soap and water?”

“No.  Women.  There aren’t any women around.”

“What about native women?”

“Oh, yeah, plenty of those.  But there are no white women anywhere.  So he meets this beautiful explorer, and she shows him the ropes -”

Seabrook smiled at the reference.

” – and brings him back to London.  Good stuff.  But the biggest reason why my readers are going to admire Tarzan is his total freedom, so it won’t surprise anyone when Tarzan would rather be in the jungle instead of in civilization.”

“Free among the monkeys and elephants?”

“Exactly.”

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Elmo Lincoln, in the first Tarzan film (1918)

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William Seabrook

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Nora Barnacle

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James Joyce

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George Bernard Shaw

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Lydia Atherton

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Edgar Rice Burroughs

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Cathorsis (the one doing the stabbing)

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Rick Santorum says: “GAY MARRIAGE WILL LEAD TO BESTIALITY”

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Bigotry in America, Early-onset dementia, fairness, GOP, 재미, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, смешной, Our animal friends, Politics, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on February 24, 2012 by paulboylan

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When Pigs Fly

Posted in Ahmadinejad, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, bacon, Celebrity, Food, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Politics, pork, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Vegemite, when pigs fly, 滑稽, פיצה, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار on February 17, 2012 by paulboylan

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Singing Pigs (and a piece of singing bacon)

Posted in Australia, bacon, Food, Our animal friends, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on February 17, 2012 by paulboylan

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WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Married to the Sea

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, greannmhar, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Our animal friends, Politics, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, Science, snaaks, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون scarlett johansson, سياسة policy on February 16, 2012 by paulboylan

For the second time, Married to the Sea/is my website of the week.

Married to the Sea/takes public domain drawings and cartoons and pairs them with funny captions.  This is the most recent one they’ve posted:

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Click on Image to Enlarge

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Married to the Sea/features a new drawing every day and has a large archive of past posting.  I highly recommend it to you.

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THE MOST DANGEROUS CONTINENT

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Isnt nature wonderful?, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Monsters, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, snaaks, Travel, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Vegemite, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on January 28, 2012 by paulboylan

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It is well known that Australia is the most dangerous continent in the world. Not only is it populated with the deviant descendants of criminals sent there to die, but didn’t

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it is also home to the most dangerous animals on earth – from salt water crocodiles that sneak up on and eat children and livestock

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to the gigantic Redback Spider 

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to the Blue Ringed Octopus – the most venomous creature that ever lived.

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I have just discovered the existence of another hideous antipodean creature.  A vicious predator, it waits high up in trees and drops down on unsuspecting children, women and tourists.  It is called the Drop Bear and, if my research is correct, it is nothing to trifle with:

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I am told by reliable sources that a generous layer of a magical product called Vegemite behind the ears will protect the unsuspecting tourist from Drop Bear attack and predation.

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I know for a fact this is true because I did it and was never, ever bothered by Drop Bears.

I don’t care if the locals laughed.  I slept sound – and safe (if not alone) at night.

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A Grim Fairy Tale – THREE STUPID WHALES

Posted in Food, Grim Fairy Tales, Isnt nature wonderful?, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Pre Columbian Knock-Knock Jokes, Sports on January 12, 2012 by paulboylan

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Once upon a time there were three grey whales trapped under the arctic ice.

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That alone is enough to make anyone wonder:  what is wrong with these three whales?  What kind of whales get themselves trapped beneath ice so they will most likely die because they can’t hold their breath long enough to swim beyond the frozen ice and out to the open sea?

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Okay, let’s just get past the fact that these whales were unusually stupid. Whales, for the most part, are fairly intelligent. They’ve survived for millions of years and the stupid ones have died out because they were too stupid to avoid obvious dangers – like getting trapped beneath an arctic ice sheet.  But every now and then one or two whales don’t get enough oxygen when they are born and they end up just a  little bit stupid. 

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The whales trapped beneath the arctic ice are three very stupid whales. They’re trapped. They are gonna die. That’s that. It is what it is. It has happened before. It will happen again.  Stupid is as stupid does, and  – over the course of geological time – stupid tends to die.

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But sometimes even the stupid get lucky.  In this case, the three stupid whales were discovered by a little blond girl who decided to try to save them.

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In all honesty, the details are a bit boring.  To make a long story short, the little blond girl convinced a bunch of white people to cut holes in the ice that the three stupid whales could use to breathe while they swam to the open sea.

And it worked. The whales – although stupid beyond reasonable belief – used the air holes carved out of the ice to breath as they made their way to the open ocean.

And when they got there – when they were finally free of the consequences of their own stupidity, when they finally broke into the open sea – they were set upon by a band of Native Americans in big canoes who  thrust hand-made harpoons into their flesh, puncturing their lungs, and killing them.

“Hey, thanks, white people!” the Native American arctic hunters shouted as they attached ropes to the three dead gray whales to tow them to their village, where the whales were beached and butchered for the traditional nutritional pleasure of the village.

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And the shame of it all –  the real tragedy here – is that the white people who helped bring the whales to the open sea were not allowed to eat any flesh of the whales they saved because, by law, only Native Americans are lawfully entitled to eat whale meat.

Sometimes, life isn’t fair.

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HEADLINE – Ahmadinejad, Chavez taunt US from Caracas

Posted in Ahmadinejad, And now the snorting starts, Common Enemy, Crazy People, Dogs, пицца, Early-onset dementia, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Evil Smiley Face, Geopolitical Insults, Globalization, good guys and bad guys, Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, ανόητο άτομα, Mad Men, morbid obesity, Mordor, News, ученые, Our animal friends, Politics, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, urinary tract infections, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, سياسة on January 10, 2012 by paulboylan


"America is ugly and its mother dresses it funny."

CARACAS - Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, two leaders known for making inflammatory comments to provoke theUnited States, joked yesterday about the United States being so unattractive as to be shunned by women.

“You’re so ugly that even our women – who are essentially sex slaves – would refuse to have sex with you, even though refusing to have sex, if you are a woman, is punishable by death,” Ahmadinejad cracked. “That’s how ugly you are.”

“You are so ugly they would rather be buried alive – which is the punishment for any woman refusing to give herself to a man – than have sex with you,” Ahmadinejad added with a chuckle.

Chavez, suffering from advanced early-onset dementia, added to Ahmadinejad’s insults by making animal sounds and then exposing himself, pointing to his genitals and shouting “Roosevelt will never get this!” to a cheering crowd of frightened Venezuelan citizens.

Source:  http://Ahmadinejad-Chavez-taunt-US-from-Caracas

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WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Goths in Trees

Posted in And now the snorting starts, космическая девушка, Fashion Forward, Get a job, Internet Fun!, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Isnt nature wonderful?, 스타게이트유니버스, Justin Bieber, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, urinary tract infections, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, טילים on January 4, 2012 by paulboylan

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I don’t have the words to go beyond what you will see and read when you click on the following link:

http://gothsuptrees.tumblr.com/ 

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HEADLINE – Missing Dog Reunited With Family After 8 Years

Posted in Dogs, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, News, ученые, Our animal friends, פיצה on December 4, 2011 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana – A dog named Rex was reunited with his family after being missing for almost 8 years.

Rex had been living a “double life” using an assumed identity in an attempt to hide from his human owners.

“I hate those bastards,” Rex said.

Source:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/04/missing-dog-reunited-with_n_1128036.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl1%7Csec3_lnk1%7C117596

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HEADLINE – Lady Gaga Terrifies Baby

Posted in Artists Rights, Crazy People, dada, Evil Smiley Face, good guys and bad guys, Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, Joseph Bleckman, Lady Gaga, News, ученые, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, rimshot wav download, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, What are you sick or something?, טילים on November 17, 2011 by paulboylan

Lady Gaga holds up crying baby after yelling "boo!" and shaking the infant.

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MUNCIE – For the third time in two days, pop star Lady Gaga has frightened a small child.

“So I like to scare kids. So what?” Gaga said on Wednesday.  “Everyone has their peccadillos.  Mine happens to be frightening children,” the singer added.

“I hate the little bastards,” Gaga concluded.

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Source:  http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20546230,00.html

Must See (SO cute)!!!

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Get a job, Isnt nature wonderful?, ανόητο άτομα, Our animal friends, What are you sick or something? on October 20, 2011 by paulboylan


Click on the photo:

The Happiest Dog in the World

Posted in Dogs, Our animal friends, photograph on October 5, 2011 by paulboylan

And no wonder. That is Lake Tahoe in the background, folks.

Click on the photo to get a more detailed representation.

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HEADLINE – VIDEO SHOWS FISH USING TOOLS

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Isnt nature wonderful?, News, ученые, Our animal friends, Science, Television, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God on October 3, 2011 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana –  Scientists have discovered a video showing Abe Vigoda playing the character Fish in the long running TV sitcom, Barney Miller, using tools.

“I always thought that, maybe, the Fish character could use a screw driver or maybe a socket wrench,” said Jon Gibson, a Barney Miller fan in general and an Abe Vigoda enthusiast in particular. “But who knew that Fish was also capable of using power tools like a drill or hand saw?” Gibson asked.

Source:   http://news.discovery.com/animals/fish-uses-tool-110929.html

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