Archive for the Paying Attention Category

DISAPPOINTED WITH THE SYDNEY MORNING HERALD

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Artists Rights, Australia, Captain America, fairness, Geopolitical Insults, greannmhar, kluchtig, lächerlich, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Rage Against the Machine, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, Travel, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة on February 16, 2014 by paulboylan

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disgruntled seppo

This is me, disappointed with the Sydney Morning Herald. My disappointment looks a lot like a terrible, preternatural anger, doesn’t it?

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People of Earth, I am deeply disappointed with the Sydney Morning Herald.  Allow me to explain why.

As some of my regular visitors know, I feel a strange affinity for Australia and the exceptional people I’ve met there.

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Brisbane 1

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Brisbane 3

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M and S

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melbourne 5

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Melborune 4

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Sunshine Coast Crowd

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Sourced

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R

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Melbourne 4

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 I have special affection for Sydney.

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Sydney

View from the Rocks

Ouside the Sydney Opera House

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View from the Rathouse

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Hot sell the good taste

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stunning dycotomy

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Warrior Princesses

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You can imagine my delight when I received this email invitation:

Herald Invite

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The Herald explained what they wanted as follows:

The Sydney Morning Herald is challenging you to help us tackle the prevalence of alcohol-related violence and anti-social behavior in Sydney.

Put your ideas to work and create a 30 second video ad or an A4 poster for our Safer Sydney campaign. Your ad should speak to those heading out for the night, especially young men. The winning entry will receive $2,500 as well as being featured across The Sydney Morning Herald newspaper, online and tablet editions.

How could I resist such an invitation?  I myself am guilty of perpetrating alcohol-related anti-social behavior with the very worst hooligans and yobbos Sydney has to offer.

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Sydney Hooligans

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Sydney Yobbos

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The worst of the lot

So I was delighted to have received a request from the Sydney Morning Herald to use my many creative talents to help the good people of Sydney to improve their quality of life.  I snapped into action and put this poster together:

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Stay Classy, Sydney

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I felt fairly pleased with my effort.  It was pithy and to the point. It directly spoke to those headed out for the night, especially young men – who are always primarily interested in impressing the ladies with the hope of persuading them to engage in sexual congress.  I felt my poster was a sure fire winner.

Then I read the contest rules:

TERMS AND CONDITIONS

General Terms
1. Information on how to enter forms part of the terms of entry. Entry into the competition is deemed acceptance of these terms and conditions by the entrant (referred to as entrant or you in these terms and conditions).

2. The Promotion is a game of skill, and chance plays no part in determining the winners.

3. Entry is open to residents of Australia only.

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WTF???

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THE BEST TWEET EVAR!

Posted in And now the snorting starts, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Fashion Forward, αστείος, Michele Bachmann Crazy, pandemic, Paying Attention, Research and Development, The Second Coming, What are you sick or something?, zombies on November 27, 2013 by paulboylan

zombie shoe laces

FAIR AND BALANCED?

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Early-onset dementia, good guys and bad guys, GOP, ανόητο άτομα, News, Paying Attention, Politics, Religion and Politics, Stupid News, Stupid People, The Second Coming, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA! on July 28, 2013 by paulboylan

Stupid, evil, or both?  You decide.

If this vid had a laugh track it would be a hilarious skit on the Daily Show.

But it isn’t a joke.  It happened, and proves that, not only is the reporter conducting the interview biased, but also that she is abysmally stupid, sticking to the script long after it would have been apparent to three year old that the script wasn’t working.

And it shows that the reporter came into that interview looking for a fight. She was there to champion uneducated bigots.

The most embarrassing interview of all time. It is painful watching it unfold.  It is the absolute lowest moment of something pretending to be journalism I’ve ever witnessed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jt1cOnNrY5s.

UPDATE:  A SHORT CONVERSATION WITH MY WIFE

My wife just came into my office and said, about the awful interview above:

“I get it.  The reporter doesn’t understand the difference between intellectual argument and religious or political rhetoric.”

That is, of course, absolutely true.  And it is a truth that is both terrible and horrifying.

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RON BURGUNDY LIVES

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, космическая девушка, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, gülen yüz, Geopolitical Insults, Getting it Right, Headline, Headlines, Internet Fun!, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, snaaks, Stupid News, Television, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on July 13, 2013 by paulboylan

Idiot News Reader

Unbelievable. Watch the Youtube vid below to see a television newscaster report on this breaking story:

Click here/to learn how and why it happened.

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HEADLINE – ROMNEY STEALS COLBERT’S ‘BETTER TOMORROW, TOMORROW’ JOKE

Posted in American Decline, amusant, And now the snorting starts, Barry Goldwater, buffo, Early-onset dementia, Headline, Headlines, kluchtig, lächerlich, Money and Power, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, Politics, presidential candidate, Stupid People, The Wrath of God, سكارليت جوهانسون on November 6, 2012 by paulboylan

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SANFORD, Fla. – Mitt Romney’s final event in the Sunshine State struck an optimistic tone when he told a white, uneducated crowd of supporters – 90 percent of which are unemployed and have no health insurance – that a “better tomorrow, tomorrow” awaits them.

The enthusiam of the crowd — which chanted “kill the niggers and jews!” — appeared to energize Romney, as he took a detour from his prepared remarks.

“Tomorrow, we begin a new tomorrow,” he said. “We can begin a better tomorrow tomorrow, and with the help of the people in Florida, that’s exactly what’s going to happen tomorrow.”

“Mitt likes the word ‘tomorrow,'” explained Trip Tripperson, a Romney campaign aide. Tripperson immediately added that Romney is a big fan of the broadway musical Annie.

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“That’s my joke, and he stole it,” complained Steven Colbert, a late night comedian, who’s parody super pac has the slogan “Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.”

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“‘Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow’ summarizes the stupidity of the American political process,” Colbert said. “It is the perfect satire of vapid, meaningless political slogans.  How can I continue using that as the slogan for my parody super pac if it becomes an actual vapid, meaningless political slogan said as part of Romney’s attempt to fool people into voting for him?”

“This is a theft of intellectual property, that’s what it is,” Colbert continued. “Romney has diluted my trademarked joke by using it as an actual slogan, hoping to persuade stupid people to vote for him.  He has drained all of the value out of what was a very clever and funny – and very trademarked – joke.”

“Comedy Central’s attorneys will be contacting Romney’s attorneys,” Colbert concluded.

Comedy Central is the cable network that produces and airs the Colbert Report, a satirical parody of conservative pundits like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.

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HEADLINE – SUSPICIOUS MONKEY DEATH IN DAVIS

Posted in Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Isnt nature wonderful?, News, Our animal friends, Paying Attention with tags on October 6, 2012 by paulboylan

DAVIS –  The death of a monkey found  in a research lab hanging from a light fixture with a bungee cord wrapped around its neck has been ruled a suicide.

“Our preliminary investigation has determined that Jojo killed himself,” said Sgt. Helen Smedby of the U.C. Davis Police Department.

“Why would a monkey commit suicide?” asked animal rights advocate Jason Dante. “This monkey didn’t die by his own paw.  This wasn’t the result of auto erotic asphyxiation gone wrong.  This monkey was killed because of what he knew.”

“What can a monkey know?” asked UCD Primate Researcher Center Director Hans Gruber. “They know lots of things. They know bananas taste good.  They know they like to throw their poo.  But they don’t know anything that could get them killed. We’re talking about monkeys here.   They aren’t subject to depression or ennui,” Gruber added.

Jojo was described by those who knew him as a loner who kept to himself.

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH PAUL RYAN

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Brave New World, Captain America, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Get a job, GOP, Grim Fairy Tales, Headline, Headlines, health care, Hubris, I think you are a social parasite but I want you to vote for me anyway, ανόητο άτομα, Mad Men, News, Occupy Mordor, Paul Ryan, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, presidential candidate, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, سياسة with tags , , , , on September 30, 2012 by paulboylan

[In this frankly fictitious interview, Congressman Paul Ryan – Mitt Romney’s choice for Vice President – talked with People of Earth about his recent refusal to discuss Mitt’ Romney’s tax proposals because it would take too long to explain.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Congressman Ryan, let’s cut to the chase.  You recently appeared on Fox News and refused to discuss yours and Mitt Romney’s tax proposals because it would take too long to explain.

RYAN:  That’s right.  When Mitt Romney and I are elected, within the first 100 days of our first term in office we will cut every American’s taxes by 20%.

POE: How will you do that?

RYAN:  We will do it by closing tax loopholes.

POE:  Which ones?

RYAN:  Isn’t America great, Paul?

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POE:  Hold on. Let’s not get distracted.

RYAN:  What? Do you deny that America is the greatest nation the world has ever seen?

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POE:  About your tax proposals –

RYAN:  It’s about freedom, Paul.

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The freedom to die in the street.

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POE:  Congressman Ryan, I will talk with you about freedom later –

RYAN:  Freedom is great.

POE:  No argument there.  But –

RYAN:  It is great to be free.

POE: How would you cut taxes 20% for all Americans?

RYAN:  Could you repeat the question?

POE: How would you cut taxes 20% for all Americans?

RYAN:  We would do it by eliminating tax loopholes.

POE:  Which ones?

RYAN: Which ones what?

POE: Which tax loopholes would you eliminate to cut every American’s taxes by 20%?

RYAN:  We would cut a lot of them.

POE:  Yes, but which ones?

RYAN:  Well, it would take a lot of time to answer that question, Paul, so I would rather not do it.

POE:  We have all the time in the world.  Please feel free to explain.

RYAN:  I have many demands on my time. I am busy trying to save America from being destroyed by a secret Muslim socialist baby killer.

POE:  Clearly, you are a busy man.  So let’s use what time we have left hearing your explanation of how you and Mitt Romney are going to cut taxes by closing tax loopholes.

RYAN:  The explanation involves a lot of math.

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POE:  Do you understand the math?

RYAN:  I sure do!  I have the reputation in congress of being a number cruncher.

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“I TOTALLY crunched these numbers, you crunching mother cruncher!”

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POE:  Good, then why don’t you explain what you understand?

RYAN:  Because, even though I understand it – because I am real smart – it would take too long for you to understand it.

POE:  I am real smart, too.

RYAN:  Not as smart as me.

POE:  I have advanced degrees in mathematics and economics.

RYAN:  There still isn’t enough time for me to explain it.

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POE:  So you just want America to take it on faith that you are right – without any explanation before the election.

RYAN:  Bingo. On the nose.  Yes, exactly.

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POE:  But why should we believe you?  You lied to us about running a marathon in record time.

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RYAN:  (Laughing) yeah, I did lie about that, didn’t I?  But this is different.  I’m telling the truth here.  Mitt and I have a great plan to cut taxes by closing tax loopholes and it is a great plan but it is too complex for the average voter to understand.

POE: Okay. Then let’s try to apply some basic math here.  You want to cut taxes by eliminating tax loopholes.  That doesn’t add up.

RYAN:  Sure it does.

POE:  No it doesn’t.  People use tax loopholes to cut their taxes, to pay less tax.  Eliminating a tax loophole will increase the taxes for people who rely on those loopholes.  So by eliminating tax loopholes you are just shifting the tax burden from one group to another.  Some may see a tax decrease, but others will see a tax increase.

RYAN:  Not if you cut spending.  If you cut spending, then the tax reductions won’t increase the deficit because we are spending less than we are taking in overall.

POE:  You are talking about trillions of dollars in spending cuts.

RYAN: (Pausing) uh huh.

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POE:  What spending are you going to cut?

RYAN:  Isn’t America great, Paul?

POE:  Don’t change the subject.  True or false: you are proposing huge tax cuts for the richest Americans.

RYAN:  Can you repeat the question?

POE: Yes or no: you are proposing huge tax cuts for the richest Americans.

RYAN:  You changed the question from “true or false” to “yes or no.”

POE:  I did that to make it easier for you to answer. Here is the question again – yes or no: you are proposing huge tax cuts for the richest Americans.

RYAN:  Yes.

POE:  Yes or no:  without an increase in taxes or, in the alternative, a cut in spending, cutting taxes for the wealthy will cause further budget deficits.

RYAN: We prefer to call rich people “job creators.”

POE:  My question, again is – yes or no:  without tax increases or spending reductions, cutting taxes for the wealthy will cause further budget deficits.

RYAN:  Yes. President Obama failed to -

POE:  Yes or no:  if elected, you will not cut military spending, corporate welfare, tax breaks for oil companies, or federal give-aways to red states with Republican majorities, but will, instead, cut education funding, food and safety regulations, entitlement programs for the poor and elderly.

RYAN: No, that isn’t true.  We are going to save Medicare and social security.

POE:  But the rest is true?

RYAN: (Pausing) yes, but we are going to save Medicare and Social Security.

POE:  How are you going to do that.

RYAN:  It would take too long to explain.

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POE:  Yes or no:  you intend on “saving” Medicare and Social Security by privatizing them.

RYAN:  Yes, but we won’t be making any changes that will affect any people currently retired or about to retire.

POE:  What about people like me who have paid taxes our whole lives into the Medicare and Social Security system but who aren’t going to retire for at least ten years?

RYAN:  Oh. Well, people like you are shit out of luck.

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“I feel your pain, you poor, sick, homeless, irrelevant asshole. Get a job.”

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POE:  How so?

RYAN:  By the time you retire, the Medicare and Social Security systems as we now know them will have been abolished and replaced by a voucher system where every American gets a flat payment they can use for retirement living expenses or medical care.  Or they can invest that money in the stock market and become rich the way Mitt Romney and his rich friends have.

POE:  What if the stock market crashes after I converted my retirement and health care vouchers into stock?

RYAN:  Shit out of luck.

POE:  What if I keep the money, but my living expenses and medical care are higher than what the voucher covers?

RYAN:  Shit out of luck. But so what? That’s your fault for not working harder and saving more, or, if your stock investments tank, its your fault for not having enough money to hire expensive investment advisors like the kind Mitt Romney and I have to help us know when the stock market is going to crash so we can take our money out before that happens and make huge profits off of the backs of people like you who can’t afford the same level of financial advice and so couldn’t get their money out of the market before it crashes.  And it is going to crash. It always crashes.

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RYAN:  That’s how people like Mitt and me make our money. We buy low after a crash, then sell high right before the next crash.  This process essentially takes money out of your pocket and puts it in ours.  And we didn’t have to do anything other than hire someone to tell us when to buy and when to sell – people you can’t afford to hire.  The free market is a beautiful thing.  We get rid of Medicare and Social Security and give you a check instead to invest in the stock market. Then we take that money the government gave you when the stock market crashes and you lose that money you invested – to us!  We get richer, and better able to pay for the advice we need to do it again, and you get poorer and less able to pay for the kind of financial advice you need to avoid being a victim to the financial game that we are essentially forcing you to play but that we fixed to benefit us at your disadvantage!

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RYAN:  When the US government encouraged people to gamble with their retirement money by investing it in the stock market it resulted in the biggest redistribution of wealth from the middle class to the upper class in history!  We can do the same thing with Medicare and Social Security, and the beauty part is that these “vouchers” will be paid for with tax money – middle class tax money – being snatched out of the hands of elderly Americans and sucked right into the offshore tax sheltered secret bank accounts of the wealthy!

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It’s socialism in reverse! Instead of redistributing wealth downward from the rich back to the poor, it redistributes wealth upward!

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POE: So that is how you are going to save Medicare and Social Security?

RYAN:  Yup.

POE: By destroying it and replacing it with a voucher system that favors the rich at the expense of the middle class and poor?

RYAN:  We prefer the term “reform.”

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POE:  A distinction without a difference.

RYAN:  That is free market economics, baby!  It is what made American great. Well, to be honest – and, as we’ve determined in this interview, honesty does not come easy to me – free market economics made some Americans great, but not all.  And for a good reason. Someone has to be so afraid of starving to death and dying of preventable disease to work for near starvation wages and be grateful for it in order for a very small group of people who don’t work at all to be super rich forever.

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If they get hungry enough, they will be satisfied with less.

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RYAN:  That is how every system that allowed a small group of people to get rich and stay rich has worked through the ages.  Something went wrong here in America, but Mitt and I – joined with a Senate and House of Representatives controlled by social conservatives – will set it right.  I mean, look at China!  They have what we want:  a huge group of serfs without health insurance of any kind working hard for virtually nothing to make less than 1% of the Chinese population rich!

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RYAN: Sure, you get the occasional peasant riot in factories, that are more like prisons with barbed wire fences and guard towers around them, but look at how the Chinese deal with those ingrates – they round them up, throw them in real prisons where they make them work, this time for no pay, and then sell their internal organs to rich people all over the world who get the best medical care their money can pay for so they can live on virtually forever.

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RYAN:  Look at Dick Cheney!  He should have died years ago.  For a while he didn’t even have a heartbeat!  But he is rich!  We are so close. So close to getting that for everyone who counts, who matters – the job creators.

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RYAN:  It is so close.  But with voter suppression efforts, voter vigilante gangs that will harass minority voters at the polls, and with the grace of God, we will win this election and the revolution will be an accomplished fact.  This may be our last chance.  If Obama wins, he will improve education, which means the average voter is more likely to see through the bullshit I am spouting and realize that I want to use Big Government to make me and my rich friends even richer and to impose an economic system on America that is the modern equivalent of feudalism where workers have no rights and the poor are free to die, and where the wealthy ruling class uses modern technology to suppress dissent by listening to phone calls and reading emails and text messages to find the potential leaders of any popular revolt and have them arrested because they are terrorists trying to overthrow the political system oppressing and enslaving them.

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RYAN: We are so close. Everything is in place.  We have the legislation we need to suppress dissent. The vast majority of the population is now dependent on electronic means of communications like phones and the internet; there are CCTV cameras everywhere, which means we have everyone under surveillance. We control the Supreme Court.  The Press is now irrelevant as a watchdog.  We are about to take over congress and the executive office. We won’t get a chance like this again for a generation, if ever.  So this is it. We have to take advantage of a stupid, undereducated electorate before steps are taken to teach them critical thinking skills.

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HEADLINE – DONALD TRUMP SAYS “VENGEANCE IS A CHRISTIAN VALUE”

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Attorney fees, buffo, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, love, Mad Men, Money and Power, Mordor, News, neşeli, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, The Matrix, The Second Coming, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2012 by paulboylan

 

“Jesus wants me to take vengeance against my hair stylist.”

MUNCIE –   During a speech on Monday at the Lynchburg, Virginia Christian college, Liberty University, Donald Trump gave the assembled Christian students some advice: “Get even.”

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“A few of you may say my advice is anti-Christian. Wrong!” Trump said.

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A student pointed out that Trumps advice conflicts with Christ’s Sermon on the Mount recorded in chapters 5-7 of the Gospel of Matthew, where Jesus tells his followers to reject the Old Testament rules on eye-for-an-eye justice and, if slapped, turn the other cheek rather than retaliate.

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 “Don’t believe any of that malarky,” Trump responded.  “Jesus was being misquoted by the liberal media.”

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The liberal media makes Jesus very, very angry.

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“Believe me, the central message of Christianity is “every man for himself” and “always kick a man when he’s down because there is no better time to do it,” Trump said.

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Trump, married three times, then advised the assembled students to get prenuptial agreements before they get married.

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“Jesus wasn’t married and I know why,” Trump said.  “It is because they didn’t have prenuptial agreements in those days so if you got married you were screwed if you wanted to get out of it, especially if you had a lot of money and the woman seduced you because she wanted your money.  But Jesus avoided all of that by not getting married. I’m not saying he didn’t play the field. He just didn’t get married.  I am absolutely sure that, if Jesus had access to a prenuptial agreement, he would have been married. At least once.”

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Maybe more than once.

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The university has posted a video of Trump’s speech on its website, noting that Chancellor Falwell introduced Trump as ”one of the greatest visionaries of our time.”

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IS BROWN FACE AS OFFENSIVE AS BLACK FACE?

Posted in American Decline, amusant, Barry Goldwater, bilim adamları, buffo, Fashion Forward, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pre Columbian Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار on September 20, 2012 by paulboylan

Mitt Romney recently appeared on Univision – a Spanish language television station – in an attempt to appeal to latino voters. hPeople noticed something differentsabout how Romney looked before the Univision appearance and during.  See if you notice any difference:

Romney on September 16, 2012:

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Romney on September 17, 2012:

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Romney on September 18, 2012:

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Romney on September 19, 2012, appearing on Univision:

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I think Romney was drawing inspiration from former Mexican President Vincente Fox.

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“Mi pene es este ancho.”

The person who convinced Romney to rock the soul patch has a lot to answer for.

HEADLINE – DEMOCRATS ACT TO SUPPRESS CONSERVATIVE VOTERS

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Barry Goldwater, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, Kansas City, kluchtig, Michele Bachmann, News, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, Religion and Politics, Small Town America, snaaks, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, مصارعه, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, بشار الاسد, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة on September 17, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE –  To counter Republican efforts to prevent poor people, minorities and women – groups that traditionally vote for democrats – from voting, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has embarked on a campaign to prevent stupid people from voting.

“Smart voters will never, ever vote for Republican candidates,” former GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorumisaid recently.m

“Stupid voters are the bedrock of Romney’s re-election effort,” Santorum continued.  “Stupid people traditionally vote Republican,” Santorum said. “If they have a college education or read for pleasure you can be sure they aren’t going to vote for Romney.”

Mitt Romney’s campaign has spend millions of dollars in an effort to appeal to Birthers, knee-jerk jingoistic patriots, NASCAR enthusiasts, anti-abortion fanatics, proud morbidly obese Type 2 diabetics who don’t have or want health insurancei- even Snooki fans.I

 “We are currently negotiating to get an endorsement from the Octomom,” said an anonymous Romney campaign strategist. “If we can appeal to stupid voters while simultaneously suppressing the poor/minority/woman vote then we should be able to win this thing in November,” the Romney strategist said.

The DNC is fighting fire with fire. “If the Republicans try to prevent democrats from voting, then the DNC going to attempt to suppress the stupid vote,” said Trixie LaRue, a DNC spokesperson.

The plan is fairly simple:  the DNC will set up fake polling places/voting areas on election day with signs outside that read:

“A smart person will read that sign, understand the warning and not vote at that location.  A stupid person, however – i.e., a likely Republican voter – will probably not read the small print, will be impressed by the bright colors, and go into the fake area to vote,” LaRue said.

And when they get into the fake voting booth, they will be given the following fake ballot:

“The average stupid voter will believe they voted for Romney/against Obama, feel pleased with the result, go home, and never realize they didn’t really vote,” LaRue said.

“Early fake voting” is scheduled to begin tomorrow in Mississippi, Texas, Missouri, Indiana, West Virgina and Arizona.

HEADLINE – CHINESE PAGEANT OFFICIALS INSIST ON PERFECT CO-ED NIPPLES

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, News, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, 滑稽, سكارليت جوهانسون with tags , , on September 8, 2012 by paulboylan

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BEJING -­ A contest to select the 10 most beautiful university students in Hubei Province requires applicants to prove the distance between their nipples is greater than 20 centimeters, the Changjiang Times reports.

 “We want the winners to be extremely good-­‐looking,” said Wu Junsheng, the contest organizer and person assigned to measure the contestants beasts to verify nipple distance. “We have based our criteria both on traditional Chinese and more modern Western aesthetic values,” Junsheng  told the Global Times.

 “Accurate measurements are very important. Depending on the girl, sometimes I have to measure over and over again just to be sure. Sometimes photographs are helpful in determining proper nipple symmetry,” Junsheng added.

 “Junsheng is clearly some kind of sick fuck,” said Kuan Hsin-­‐chi, a Professor in Pageantry at the University of Bejing. “But sick fuck or not, Junsheng has a point. Nothing is more sexually unattractive than a woman with asymmetrical nipples.

“Except for a fat chick with asymmetrical nipples. That’s just gross,” Hsin-­‐chi concluded.

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HEADLINE – Soldiers Disciplined for Korean-Burning

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Crime and Punishment, Geopolitical Insults, Getting it Right, Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, News, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, similarity, Smiley Face, Sports, مضحکہ خیز on August 27, 2012 by paulboylan

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This is a really big news story in North and South Koran.

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH WILLIAM TODD AKIN

Posted in American Decline, GOP, Headline, Headlines, Money and Power, Mordor, News, Paying Attention, Politics, Religion and Politics, The Wrath of God on August 19, 2012 by paulboylan

U.S. Congressman William Todd Akin

[William Todd Akin is the U.S. Representative for Missouri's 2nd congressional district, and has served in congress since 2001. He is a member of the Republican Party. He is a "pro life" politician, opposing abortion for any reason or under any circumstances other than "forceable rape."  Akin recently stated that it is "really rare" for women who are the victims of "legitimate rape"to become pregnant. In this frankly fictitious interview, Congressman Akin explains his argument.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Congressman Akin, thank you for agreeing to speak with us today.

WILLIAM TODD AKIN: My pleasure, Paul.

POE: Let’s cut to the chase: the Internet is abuzz with reports that you recently stated that women who are raped don’t get pregnant.

AKIN: Well, that’s not true, Paul. I did not say that women who are raped never get pregnant. I said that, when women are legitimately raped, they tend not to get pregnant because the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down.

POE:  Sort of a “Jedi uterus trick?”

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“These aren’t the rapists you are looking for…”

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AKIN:  Conservative Republicans prefer to call it “God’s little protective shield.”

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POE: But this shield only works in cases of  “legitimate rape?”

AKIN:  Exactly.

POE: When is a rape illegitimate?

AKIN:  An illegitimate rape happens when a woman asks for it, Paul. For instance, if she wears a sexy dress, or puts on lipstick, or leaves the house. When that happens, the woman who claims she was raped bears some responsibility for what happened, and that means she wanted it, so it isn’t really a rape, is it?

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POE: Let me see if I understand your argument. Are you saying that, if a woman gets pregnant, she wasn’t raped?

AKIN: Yep. That’s what I’m saying. When a woman is raped, her body magically rejects the sperm of the rapist, preventing pregnancy. But if she wanted it or enjoys the experience, then she will get pregnant. *

POE:  So you are saying that if a woman gets pregnant, her pregnancy is proof she wasn’t raped?

AKIN:  Exactly.  Yes.  Praise God.

POE:  What about the idea that no means no?

AKIN:  Well, son, take my word for it – sometimes no means yes.  Heck, if a young fella couldn’t have any fun unless a woman gives him permission, then our race would die out.  And if she gets pregnant then that is proof she changed her mind, isn’t it?

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POE: I think that’s one of the most antediluvian, backward, repugnant things I have ever heard in my life – and I’ve heard a lot of antediluvian, backward repugnant things.

AKIN: I didn’t understand a lot of those words, Paul, so I interpret what you said as disrespecting my Christian values.  Jesus hated women, Paul.  It’s right there in the Bible.  I believe that a woman’s place is in the home, and if she leaves her home – especially without a male escort – then she has no one but herself to blame for what happens next.

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AKIN: And even if she didn’t ask for it, and she gets pregnant, it would be wrong to punish the child for the mistake she made.

POE:  The mistake of going outside without a man to protect her?

AKIN:  Exactly.

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POE: You’re a candidate for the United States Senate, right?

AKIN: Yep.

POE: How are you doing?

AKIN: I’m way ahead of my Democrat opponent in the polls.

POE: And the people of Missouri know your views on legitimate and illegitimate rape?

AKIN: They sure do. **

POE: Then God help us all.

AKIN: No, Paul. God is not going to help all of us.  He is going to help conservative, God fearing Republicans like me regain control of our government, bring back the America we want, and wipe the liberal communist socialist slime off of our great nation by putting women, minorities, homosexuals, liberals and miscegenists back in their place.  Oh yeah, and He is going to help us get rid of all those immigrants, too.  Mud people, Paul. I’m talking about mud people.

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*  The “legitimate/illegitimate” rape distinction is virtually identical to the medieval English belief that a woman could not get pregnant unless she enjoyed having sex with a man.  More specifically:

Misunderstandings of medieval medical men abound on the topic of pregnancy, and by extension, rape. Inspired by the Classical physician Galen, medieval medicine taught that women could only get pregnant if they had derived pleasure from the sex—and not mere pleasure, either; in order to conceive a woman would have to reach orgasm. There may be a small kernel of logic to this assumption, considering that medieval medicine understood women’s bodies in large part only though comparison to the bodies of men. In most cases, a man can only impregnate a woman if he ejaculates, which by definition means orgasm. Centuries later, science and psychology is still trying to understand the female orgasm. But one thing modern science can say without any doubt is that there is no link between a woman’s orgasm and her ability to become pregnant. The medieval belief that this link existed was the cause of great distress for many medieval Englishwomen who were victims of rape. If a woman can only conceive a child after having experienced orgasm, then all pregnant women enjoyed the sex that got them pregnant…and therefore the sex could not have been rape.

See  http://cold-wombs-and-fatal-motherhood-womens-sexual-safety

Social conservatives who use the GOP as a platform to correct the errors of social programs consider this exact argument as scientific evidence that a woman who is actually and truly raped cannot get pregnant.  A social conservative pundit, Peter Cornswalled, summarizes the argument as follows:

It is not possible for a woman who is actually raped to become pregnant. A woman who becomes pregnant must have had a moment of issue, meaning she enjoyed what happened. Regardless of how the encounter began, by achieving a moment of issue the woman has consented to all that went before. The act of becoming pregnant is, due to the biology with which God gifted us, proof that the woman was not raped.

See http://petercornswalled.blogspot.com/2012/03/myth-of-rape-pregnancies.html

Vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan co-sponsored a bill in congress outlawing all forms of abortion except for pregnancies resulting from “forceable rape.”  The “forceable rape” versus “non forceable rape” distinction mirrors the medieval concept described above – i.e., Ryan and Akin believe that rape is an awful, violent experience that no woman could take pleasure from – which means a raped woman cannot get pregnant. But a woman who gets pregnant after sex must have enjoyed the experience and therefore wasn’t raped.

** CNNPolitics reports: “Akin was one of the first members of Congress to join the Tea Party Caucus in 2010 and has easily won re-election in recent years. The lawmaker has raised a notable $2.2 million this cycle, as of July 18.”

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She’ll be put back in her place real soon.

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OBAMA VS ROMNEY – THE TRUE DIFFERENCE

Posted in Avatar, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, good guys and bad guys, GOP, health care, Hubris, Money and Power, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, presidential candidate, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Religion and Politics, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of Khan, USA! USA! USA!, سياسة on July 17, 2012 by paulboylan

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I’m betting on the Professor.  For obvious reasons.

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AN UNFORTUNATE MISTRANSLATION

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Fair Use, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, gülen yüz, Getting it Right, greannmhar, health care, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Missile Defense, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, ученые, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, pork, rimshot wav download, Russia, snaaks, The Wilhelm Scream, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on June 2, 2012 by paulboylan

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THE CURLY SHUFFLE

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Art, buffo, greannmhar, IN MEMORIAM, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, snaaks, مصارعه, مضحکہ خیز, خنده on May 19, 2012 by paulboylan

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Those knuckle-heads are beginning to scuffle.

They push, and they shove, doing the Curly Shuffle…

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HEADLINE – Chicago prepares for NATO summit

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Cinema, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Movies, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Occupy Mordor, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, Rage Against the Machine, snaaks, Stupid People, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on May 17, 2012 by paulboylan

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MUNCIE, Indiana –  Chicago police are preparing as best they can for protests against the pending summit of the National Association of Theater Owners (NATO) that begins tomorrow.

“NATO sucks!” shouted Jason Rabinowitz, a protester protesting NATO policy.

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“We don’t understand,” said Raj Hempstead, President of NATO.  “We know the price of popcorn is ridiculously high, but does it really warrant rock throwing and people lighting themselves on fire in protest?”

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 “Look, we will lower the price.  We’ll lower the price of all movie theater concessions. Like Milk Duds.  We will lower the price of Milk Duds.  Just please stop yelling,” Hempstead said.

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WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

Posted in American Decline, Antique surgical instruments, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, health care, Hubris, Mordor, News, Paying Attention, Politics, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, Travel, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, سياسة on May 9, 2012 by paulboylan

 

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“While the U.S has moved up in the rankings, ahead of last year’s 31st place, we still fall below most wealthy nations. A woman in the US is more than 7 times as likely to die of a pregnancy-related cause in her lifetime than a woman in Italy or Ireland.”

 

Source: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/245207.php

AWFUL FORTUNE

Posted in amusant, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, космическая девушка, Food, greannmhar, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on May 5, 2012 by paulboylan

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I don’t know about you, but I expect a little more from my fortune cookies.

For example:

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PROOF DOGS CAN READ

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Dogs, космическая девушка, Food, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Hapax Legomenon, 재미, αστείος, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Small Town America, snaaks, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, خنده, خنده دار on May 1, 2012 by paulboylan

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HEADLINE – Birth control pills get new labeling

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, bilim adamları, buffo, пицца, gülen yüz, Getting it Right, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, health care, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, ученые, Paying Attention, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, פיצה, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on April 11, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana –  To address concerns with birth control pills that tests showed were ineffective/, Phizer said on Tuesday that all bottles containing birth control pills will include a sticker stating:

Warning: may not prevent pregnancy.

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REAL HEADLINES

Posted in おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, пицца, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on April 8, 2012 by paulboylan

Must have been a slow news day.

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HEADLINE – Birth Control Pills Recalled

Posted in おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Headline, Isnt nature wonderful?, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, love, Missile Defense, News, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, ученые, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Research and Development, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون scarlett johansson on February 9, 2012 by paulboylan

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“We are really embarrassed about this,” said Pfizer spokesperson, Buffy Hendrickson. “It was a really knuckle-head move to sell birth control pills that don’t prevent pregnancy,” Hendrickson confessed.

“It is sort of like selling an umbrella that isn’t water proof,”  Hendrickson admitted.

“But let’s look at the bright side.  Even though these pills won’t prevent pregnancy, the upside is that the children of women who used this medication will be born with a full head of hair and set of adult teeth,”  Hendrickson said.

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THE MOST DANGEROUS CONTINENT

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Isnt nature wonderful?, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Monsters, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, snaaks, Travel, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Vegemite, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on January 28, 2012 by paulboylan

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It is well known that Australia is the most dangerous continent in the world. Not only is it populated with the deviant descendants of criminals sent there to die, but didn’t

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it is also home to the most dangerous animals on earth – from salt water crocodiles that sneak up on and eat children and livestock

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to the gigantic Redback Spider 

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to the Blue Ringed Octopus – the most venomous creature that ever lived.

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I have just discovered the existence of another hideous antipodean creature.  A vicious predator, it waits high up in trees and drops down on unsuspecting children, women and tourists.  It is called the Drop Bear and, if my research is correct, it is nothing to trifle with:

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I am told by reliable sources that a generous layer of a magical product called Vegemite behind the ears will protect the unsuspecting tourist from Drop Bear attack and predation.

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I know for a fact this is true because I did it and was never, ever bothered by Drop Bears.

I don’t care if the locals laughed.  I slept sound – and safe (if not alone) at night.

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Headline – Newt Gingrich surges

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Bigotry in America, buffo, Cowboys and Aliens, Crazy People, Early-onset dementia, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Frankenstein, gülen yüz, Geopolitical Insults, Get a job, greannmhar, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, health care, Hubris, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, Money and Power, Monsters, Mordor, News, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Orcs, Paying Attention, People who suffer from abject pretension, Politics, Pop Culture, presidential candidate, Religion and Politics, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Saron, Small Town America, snaaks, Stupid People, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده دار on January 21, 2012 by paulboylan

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I certainly hope he cleans up after himself.

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Perhaps the American Film Institute is trying to make a subtle point.

Posted in And now the snorting starts, космическая девушка, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, gülen yüz, Getting it Right, Internet Fun!, 스타게이트유니버스, ученые, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wrath of Khan, سياسة on January 14, 2012 by paulboylan

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Please read highlighted text.

Click on image to expand for easier reading.

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WONDERFUL NEWS!!!

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, космическая девушка, пицца, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Food, Get a job, Getting it Right, Kim Kardashian, News, ученые, Paying Attention, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, טילים, פיצה on December 20, 2011 by paulboylan

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HEADLINE – Russia Elevates Warning About U.S. Missile Defense Shield Plan

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Common Enemy, космическая девушка, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Europe, good guys and bad guys, Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, Medvedev, Missile Defense, News, ученые, Paying Attention, Research and Development, Russia, The Great State of Montana!, The Red Skull, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on November 23, 2011 by paulboylan

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MOSCOW — Russia will deploy its own missiles if the United States moves forward with its plans for a missile-defense system in Europe, President Dmitri A. Medvedev warned on Wednesday.

“If you set up a system designed to shoot down missiles, we will target our missiles at those bases,” Mr. Medvedev said.

“We realize your system will shoot down our missiles, but that’s all we’ve got,” Medvedev added.

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My Trip to Oz Thus Far

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, Food, Horrible Coincidences, ανόητο άτομα, ученые, Paying Attention, Photography, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, טילים, سياسة on November 2, 2011 by paulboylan

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Here are a few of the pics I’ve taken with my new big deal IPhone. There are hundreds, but the following will give you a bit of the flavour of my visit thus far.

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BRISBANE

 

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MELBOURNE

 

 

 

SYDNEY

That’s it for now. Tomorrow Birmo hits town, and the next day I fly back home.

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“Aftertaste without end.” Now that’s a quality I treasure in anything I eat.

“Hot sell the good taste.” I most certainly will follow that instruction.

“Lick and Sip.”  Excuse me?  Licking is a given, but if you are sipping afterwards, then you are doing it wrong.

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HEADLINE – Rick Perry reassures GOP about debating Obama

Posted in Cowboys and Aliens, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Grim Fairy Tales, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Money and Power, Mordor, News, Paying Attention, Politics, rimshot wav download, USA! USA! USA! on October 30, 2011 by paulboylan

WASHINGTON — Rick Perry on Sunday sought to reassure GOP primary voters concerned about his wobbly presidential debate performances, apparent low intelligence and general lack of basic education, saying he would draw sharp distinctions with the Democratic incumbent in televised showdowns next year.

“I’m not worried a bit to debate Barack Obama,” Perry said.  “And I believe in Santa Claus,” he added.

The Texas governor, driving for front-runner status as the most viable conservative in the wide-open field, offered up samples of the scathing rhetoric he used to get elected as Governor of Texas.

“President Obama’s policies are poopy,” Perry said with a grin.

“And he is ugly and his mother dresses him funny.  President Obama’s mother is so ugly, well, she is pretty ugly. And she is white. Can you believe that? A white woman having sex with a black man?  In Texas we don’t take kindly to any sort of race mixing.”

“And we don’t like Mormons. They are a cult,” Perry concluded  before further demonstrating his wit by firing a gun into the air.

“Yee ha!” Perry screamed. “Now, don’t that qualify me to be prez-o-dent?” he asked.

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