Archive for the Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes Category

THERE IS A REASON WHY GEORGE BUSH PAINTS HIMSELF IN THE NUDE

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Artists Rights, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, Captain America, closeted gay Republican misogynists, космическая девушка, Fashion Forward, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, lächerlich, love, Money and Power, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of Khan, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, טילים, מצחיק, פיצה, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون, سياسة on February 12, 2013 by paulboylan

aasmokie

So I am sitting on the couch in my family room watching my son watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when I comment on the recent news articles revealing that former POTUS George Herbert Walker Bush is an accomplished painter with a penchant for painting himself in the nude.

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Opening Of New U.S. Embassy

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“You mean he stood there looking at himself in a mirror?” My son asked.

“Yes, I suppose he did,” I responded.

After a short silence my son opined:

“Well, that makes sense.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Okay, let’s say you are a former conservative Republican President who likes to paint nudes,” my son says.

“Okay,” I respond. “let’s say that.”

“Well, then your possibilities are limited,” my son concludes.

“How so?” I ask.

“Have you seen Barbara Bush?” my son asks.

“His wife?”

“Yes.”

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Barbara-Bush

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“Oh,” I said, granting the point.

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UPDATE:

I found out later that it is was recently revealed that it is George Bush the Younger (the one who started two long wars but didn’t pay for them and very nearly brought down the global economy), not George Bush the Elder (the one who scoffed at his critics’ complaints that he lacked foresight by referring to it as “that vision thing”) who painted and presumably still paints himself nude.

I didn’t inform my son of my error.  I value any exercise in critical thinking and, based on even invalid data his conclusion was admirable.

And it is very likely that the younger Bush paints himself nude because his daddy did it, too, and the younger Bush is competing with him artistically.

The following photo is of a painting obtained by hackers of the younger Bush’s painting efforts. It is a bit creepy because it is clearly derived from a photograph, which means George has a collaborator who takes pictures of him in the nude:

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The elder Bush was a better president (he fought Gulf War I, neutralized Saddam Hussein without creating a quagmire the US could not exit from).  The odds are the elder Bush is a better painter.

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YES, BUT WHAT DO THEY HAVE TO SAY?

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Brave New World, buffo, Cowboys and Aliens, Fashion Forward, fetish, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, News, Our animal friends, Pandering to the Latino Vote, Paul Ryan, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, totally creepy, What are you sick or something? with tags , , , , , , , on October 3, 2012 by paulboylan

The medium is the message.

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“The cows are all liars!!” yelled Farmer Brown when he heard the news.

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HEADLINE – CHINESE PAGEANT OFFICIALS INSIST ON PERFECT CO-ED NIPPLES

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, fetish, Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, News, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, 滑稽, سكارليت جوهانسون with tags , , on September 8, 2012 by paulboylan

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BEJING -­ A contest to select the 10 most beautiful university students in Hubei Province requires applicants to prove the distance between their nipples is greater than 20 centimeters, the Changjiang Times reports.

 ”We want the winners to be extremely good-­‐looking,” said Wu Junsheng, the contest organizer and person assigned to measure the contestants beasts to verify nipple distance. “We have based our criteria both on traditional Chinese and more modern Western aesthetic values,” Junsheng  told the Global Times.

 ”Accurate measurements are very important. Depending on the girl, sometimes I have to measure over and over again just to be sure. Sometimes photographs are helpful in determining proper nipple symmetry,” Junsheng added.

 ”Junsheng is clearly some kind of sick fuck,” said Kuan Hsin-­‐chi, a Professor in Pageantry at the University of Bejing. “But sick fuck or not, Junsheng has a point. Nothing is more sexually unattractive than a woman with asymmetrical nipples.

“Except for a fat chick with asymmetrical nipples. That’s just gross,” Hsin-­‐chi concluded.

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A Flagrant Violation of Copyright

Posted in Fair Use, Fiction, good guys and bad guys, Illegitimate Rape, Legitimate Rape, Money and Power, Monsters, Mordor, Parody, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, presidential candidate, Pycho-Social Trauma, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Scarlett Johansson naked, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, مصارعه on August 22, 2012 by paulboylan

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In the original, didn’t the idealistic good guys all die in the end?

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THE CURLY SHUFFLE

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Art, buffo, greannmhar, IN MEMORIAM, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, snaaks, مصارعه, مضحکہ خیز, خنده on May 19, 2012 by paulboylan

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Those knuckle-heads are beginning to scuffle.

They push, and they shove, doing the Curly Shuffle…

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AWFUL FORTUNE

Posted in amusant, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, космическая девушка, Food, greannmhar, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, مضحکہ خیز, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on May 5, 2012 by paulboylan

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I don’t know about you, but I expect a little more from my fortune cookies.

For example:

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HEADLINE – Birth control pills get new labeling

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, bilim adamları, buffo, пицца, gülen yüz, Getting it Right, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, health care, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mad Men, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, смешной, ученые, Paying Attention, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, What are you sick or something?, 滑稽, פיצה, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on April 11, 2012 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana –  To address concerns with birth control pills that tests showed were ineffective/, Phizer said on Tuesday that all bottles containing birth control pills will include a sticker stating:

Warning: may not prevent pregnancy.

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REAL HEADLINES

Posted in おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, пицца, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on April 8, 2012 by paulboylan

Must have been a slow news day.

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SIMPLE MATH [UPDATED]

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, Barry Goldwater, Bigotry in America, Crazy People, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, GOP, Hubris, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, Op Ed, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Religion and Politics, Right Wing, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Wrath of God, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, خنده دار, سياسة on April 3, 2012 by paulboylan

On January 20, 2011, when George W. Bush took office as President of the United States, the Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) was at 10,587.60

Bush immediately implemented his economic plans based on right wing ideology, and this had an immediate negative effect on the US economy.  For example, on March 20, 2001, the DJIA closed below the previous year’s low for the first time since 1982.

Barack Obama took office on January 20, 2009, and when he did, the DJIA was at 7,365.

As of the date this is posted, the DJIA closed at 13,149.55

Let’s crunch the numbers a bit:

During Bush II, the US economy experienced a steady decline that culminated with a virtual systemic melt down. During Bush’s term in office, the DJIA lost 3,222.6 points.

The Obama years saw, at first, a worsening economic climate, with the DJIA dropping even further.  Non partisan economists believe this was due in large measure to the downward momentum from the collapsing economic system Obama inherited from Bush II.  However, as of now, during Obama’s term the DJIA has added 5,784.55 points.

The GOP is offering us Mitt Romney to replace Obama.  Here is the problem:  Mitt Romney is a somewhat stupid rich guy who is out of touch with the real world and who relies on weird economic nonsense born more of ideology than reason.

Romney wants to give the rich a tax break and pay for it by taxing the poor. No fooling.

 But we already tried that with Bush II. It didn’t work.  Obama, for all his many, many faults, has made it better.

The American people are being asked to try again what didn’t work the first time and to replace a devil we know with a devil we don’t.

The American people will pick the devil they know – warts and all. They won’t believe the shrill screams from the lunatic Right that Obama is responsible for the economic mess he inherited.  They won’t believe that he can’t take credit for the recovery we’ve experienced.

That’s all there is to it.  Romney cannot win without moderate republican votes like mine, and I won’t vote for a return to the policies of Bush II.

I am going to do what most Americans will do – I will look at the DJIA for a sign of economic health and I will look to see if my SEP retirement fund has recouped the losses it suffered during Bush II.

It has. My retirement fund is in the black again for the first time in years.  And I’m feeling a bit more secure and eating out more.  Buying that bottle of wine. Taking that short vacation.  Not caring quite as much if the lights are left on or not.

I hated living otherwise. I hated being afraid. I remember being afraid that the banking system would crash and the rest would follow.  I started wondering if I should hoard black pepper because it might be hard to get when the international trade system collapsed.

I will never forget what that felt like.  I won’t jeopardize the positive change that has come – albeit slowly.

The GOP could have given us Jim Christie.  The GOP could have embraced Ron Paul.  But it didn’t.  They found someone as much like George W. Bush as they could.

It isn’t my fault if Romney isn’t a viable candidate.

 It isn’t my fault that the GOP did everything it could to keep the economy from improving – and failed.

It infuriates me that keeping the economy bad was their big strategy to being with.  It isn’t my fault that the Republican elite is praying – and scheming – for an economic downturn right before the next election.  It isn’t my fault that the GOP strategists decided it was a good idea to spread rumors that Obama was born in Kenya and pander to bigotry by spreading the rumor that Obama is Muslim (or “muslin” as they say in the deep red states).

All they had to do was run on Obama’s record – which is really, really bad, – and give us a viable alternative.  It isn’t my fault they decided to focus on something else.

I feel bad I cannot vote for Romney. All I am doing is pursing my personal best interests. That is all any American voter should be expected to do. And that is why Romney will lose.

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UPDATE:  The latest employment figures were disappointing: unemployment dropped, but the number of jobs created was lower thane expected.  

Romney wins in November!!!

THE DOW JONES TANGO

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, GOP, greannmhar, 재미, αστείος, kluchtig, lächerlich, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, neşeli, смешной, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, presidential candidate, Pycho-Social Trauma, Right Wing, snaaks, Tea Party, The Great State of Montana!, The Second Coming, USA! USA! USA!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Wilhelm Reich, 滑稽, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on February 24, 2012 by paulboylan

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Over the last few weeks I’ve been watching the Dow Jones Industrial Average playing with the 13000 point barrier.  It is like a weird flirtation.  The total gets close, and then pulls back. It shoots up just over the line, and then drops back under.  And this is what I see and hear in the back of my mind as I watch this macro economic dance – two lovers, in the dark, approaching climax….

INVESTORS:  I want to shoot this thing up to 14000!  15000!  Yeah, baby, yeah! Give me all you got!

DJIA: No! No! We can’t!

INVESTORS:  Why?  Why not?  I am just ready to explode, baby, you got me so hot to invest! I want to pour all of my money into you, every last coin!

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DJIA:  No, we can’t!  We just can’t! We have to wait!

INVESTORS:  Why wait?? The time is right!  The economy is improving, the housing market is coming back, unemployment is at a four year low! Consumer confidence is surging!

DJIA:  Surging???

INVESTORS:  Surging, I say! It is time to crank this thing up to 11!!

DJIA:  13!

INVESTORS:  Yeah, baby, yeah! 13! 14! 15! The Sky’s the limit! There is so much pent up demand! So much money tied up in savings accounts struggling to get out! It has to get out! Out!!!

DJIA: I know!  I know!  I want it too! But we can’t!!

INVESTORS:  In the name of Adam Smith, why? Why can’t we do this??

DJIA:  Because if we do, Barak Obama will get reelected!!!

INVESTORS:  Just stop thinking about Obama!  Think of money!!! Lots and lots of money!!!!

DJIA:  Yes!  Oh, yes!

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INVESTORS:  Come on, baby, take us over the top!  Let me push you past 13000!!!

DJIA:  I want to, but I just can’t stop thinking about Obama!

INVESTORS:  Damn it!

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PUTIN ON THE RITZ

Posted in And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Celebrity, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, пицца, Fashion Forward, Frankenstein, Geopolitical Insults, greannmhar, Horrible Coincidences, Internet Fun!, 재미, αστείος, lächerlich, neşeli, смешной, photograph, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Putin on the Ritz, rimshot wav download, Russia, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Scarlett Johansson naked, snaaks, The Great State of Montana!, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, 滑稽, מצחיק, خنده, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون on February 18, 2012 by paulboylan

I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help myself.

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click on image to activate GIF

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – A peek into the past

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, dada, Dogs, fetish, gülen yüz, greannmhar, IN MEMORIAM, 재미, kluchtig, lächerlich, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон scarlett johansson, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Review, Small Town America, USA! USA! USA!, مضحك, مضحکہ خیز, Website of the Week, 滑稽, טילים, خنده دار, سكارليت جوهانسون scarlett johansson on January 16, 2012 by paulboylan

We live in a amazing place in time and space.  Never before in the history of the world has so much esoteric information been literally at our fingertips.  For most humans there is little value in an instant – almost godlike – ability to access information.  But for people like me – who see the entire purpose of existence as a desperate devotion, an inevitably futile lifelong quest to intellectually and emotionally grasp the absurd – living in the Information Age provides a spiritual high every time we go online.

Which brings me to my new favorite website, List of the Day.  Check out great-olan-mills-photos.html  for a taste of what is offered.  On this one page someone went through the significant trouble of collecting together stock photos from some of the photography studios that proliferated in the United States during the 1970′s.  Here is a small sample of what is offered:

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These photos were displayed as advertisement for a photo studio’s photographic services.  My, my, my, how times have changed.

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Perhaps the American Film Institute is trying to make a subtle point.

Posted in And now the snorting starts, космическая девушка, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, gülen yüz, Getting it Right, Internet Fun!, 스타게이트유니버스, ученые, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wrath of Khan, سياسة on January 14, 2012 by paulboylan

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Please read highlighted text.

Click on image to expand for easier reading.

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HEADLINE – British Clarification on Implant Scandal Leaves Women Only More Confused

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Fashion Forward, Free Utilization Doctrine, Globalization, Headline, Headlines, health care, ανόητο άτομα, News, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, פיצה on January 8, 2012 by paulboylan

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LONDON — On Friday British government spokespersons made unintelligible statements about the government’s position on dangerous French breast implants.

“It is undeniably the case that these implants are made up of non-medical-grade silicone and therefore should not have been implanted in women in the first place,” British health secretary, Andrew Lansley, said in a statement, immediately adding: “In re yours of the 5th inth, yours to hand and beg to rep – brackets, that uhh… we have gone over the ground carefully, and we seem to believe, i.e., to, wit, e.g., in lieu, that uhh… despite all our precautionary measures which have been involved… uhh… we seem to believe that it is hardly necessary for us to proceed, unless we receive an ipso facto that is not negligable at this moment. Quote unquote in quotes. Uhh… hoping this finds you, I beg to remain as July 9th,” Lansley concluded.

His remarks did little to assuage the fears of about 40,000 other British women who unwittingly paid for the poor quality implants during cosmetic surgery in dozens of private clinics where the bulk of the implants here were done.

Responding to the announcement, which was supposed to clarify the government’s position on the growing breast-implant scandal, many women said they were more confused and frightened than ever.

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Source:  http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/07/world/europe/british-clarification-on-implant-scandal-leaves-women-more-confused-than-ever.html

A Grim Fairy Tale – BOXING DAY

Posted in And now the snorting starts, boxing day, Cowboys and Aliens, Crime and Punishment, космическая девушка, Fashion Forward, fetish, Grim Fairy Tales, Horrible Coincidences, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, 스타게이트유니버스, love, Missile Defense, ученые, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, rimshot wav download, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Scarlett Johansson, Small Town America, Sports, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, Totally Gay Mutual Defense Treaty Organizations, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, Wilhelm Reich, טילים on December 30, 2011 by paulboylan

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a true story?

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BOXING DAY

Once upon a time there was a young woman named Jennifer. Jennifer lived in a place known far and wide as the City of Angels, which Jennifer liked because she considered herself a Born Again Christian, and living in a city of angels was fine by her.

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Jennifer lived with a man named Robert.  They met in church and were married a year later.  The day after their first Christmas together, she found Robert’s secret briefcase hidden in the apartment bedroom closet.

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The briefcase was large, hard shelled and had a combination lock with three numbers on rotating dials set side by side.  It was very heavy. She shook it gently, but didn’t notice any peculiar movement. She had no idea what was in it.

She tried to open it (of course), but it was locked and she could not open it. That is when she realized the brief case belonged to Robert, because she would have remembered buying something that could lock.  

She put the briefcase back where she found it and walked away.

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But the next day she was in the closet again looking at the secret briefcase. She looked closely and noticed that the numbers on the combination had changed. She didn’t know how she knew, but she knew. She memorized the number combination showing – 0-8-7 – and placed the briefcase back in the closet.

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A week later, she checked and saw that the numbers had changed to 4-2-7. This meant that at least twice in as many weeks, Robert had opened the lock, gone into the briefcase, and jumbled the numbers when he relocked it.  So Jennifer began to check the briefcase every day. Every day she tried to open it, just in case Robert forgot to jumble the numbers to set the lock.

One day the briefcase opened.

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Inside, Jennifer found a pair of musty, sweaty boxing gloves, a stack of magazines and some video cassettes. Tucked into one of the organizer pockets inside the briefcase, Jennifer found a bunch of letters from men addressed to Robert at his office.

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Jennifer read the letters and looked through the magazines. She even watched one of the videos. The magazines and videos showed men – and sometimes women – boxing and wrestling.

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Jennifer learned from the letters that Robert would regularly go to the Olympic Gym near Downtown L.A., rent a boxing ring, and box with strange men—rarely the same man twice.

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The Olympic Auditorium then.

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They’d punch and pound and smack each other and then afterwards they would perform unnatural, sinful acts upon themselves as the other watched.  The letters would end with promises that the writer would inflict great bodily harm upon Robert the next time they met at the gym.

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Naturally Jennifer confronted Robert about her awful discovery. She let him come home to find her sitting on their bed with the briefcase open, reading his letters.

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Robert admitted everything—the boxing and the unspeakable, sinful acts. He admitted that he lied to Jennifer – that when he said he was working on weekends he was really meeting strange men at the Olympic Gym.

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Robert admitted lying about playing rugby as a subterfuge to explain the injuries he sustained boxing.

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That night Jennifer slept at her friend’s house and the next day she moved her things out of the apartment she shared with Robert.  She resolved that her marriage with Robert was over because lying, Jennifer knew, is a sin. 

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The Olympic Auditorium now.

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WONDERFUL NEWS!!!

Posted in American Decline, And now the snorting starts, космическая девушка, пицца, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Food, Get a job, Getting it Right, Kim Kardashian, News, ученые, Paying Attention, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, טילים, פיצה on December 20, 2011 by paulboylan

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HEADLINE – Lady Gaga Terrifies Baby

Posted in Artists Rights, Crazy People, dada, Evil Smiley Face, good guys and bad guys, Headline, Headlines, 스타게이트유니버스, Joseph Bleckman, Lady Gaga, News, ученые, Our animal friends, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, rimshot wav download, Scarlett Johansson naked, Space Chicks, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, What are you sick or something?, טילים on November 17, 2011 by paulboylan

Lady Gaga holds up crying baby after yelling "boo!" and shaking the infant.

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MUNCIE – For the third time in two days, pop star Lady Gaga has frightened a small child.

“So I like to scare kids. So what?” Gaga said on Wednesday.  ”Everyone has their peccadillos.  Mine happens to be frightening children,” the singer added.

“I hate the little bastards,” Gaga concluded.

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Source:  http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20546230,00.html

HEADLINE – Man says blood bank rejected him as donor for “appearing” gay

Posted in Evil Smiley Face, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Isnt nature wonderful?, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, News, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, What are you sick or something?, Wilhelm Reich on July 25, 2011 by paulboylan

MUNCIE (AP) – A man who volunteered to donate blood was turned away because he “appeared gay.”

“I can’t believe this is happening,” said Marcus Bachmann, who was rejected as a blood donor because Red Cross workers thought he is a homosexual. “Homosexuality is an abomination,” Bachmann said. “I have a fabulous wife and have four fabulous children.  How can I be gay?”

“Look,” said Debbie Hempstead, the Red Cross worker who asked Bachmann not to donate blood. “The guy is totally gay. Just spend a minute talking with him and it will be obvious to you. I don’t know who he is trying to fool.”

Bachmann is a fundamentalist Christian and operates a clinic that treats homosexuality like a disease and offers faith-based cures.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/17/aaron-pace-gay-blood_n_901057.html

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BECAUSE YOU INSISTED

Posted in Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Humor, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Joseph Bleckman, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, What are you sick or something?, Wilhelm Reich on July 14, 2011 by paulboylan

CHICKS WITH DICKS

Jess McCann with Richard Branson

KC Concepcion with Richard Gutierrez

Dick and Liz Cheney

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SUCH A DEAL

Posted in End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Internet Fun!, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pre Columbian Knock-Knock Jokes, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes on July 8, 2011 by paulboylan

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This is a real advertisement I found on the internet. I bet lots and lots of people jumped at the opportunity for such big savings.

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HEADLINE – Man accused of sexually assaulting unconscious woman on sidewalk

Posted in Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Isnt nature wonderful?, News, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Stupid People, Travel, What are you sick or something?, Wilhelm Reich on July 7, 2011 by paulboylan

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Sometimes, a news story is just too – special – to even attempt altering.  This is one:

http://www.kansascity.com/man-accused-h

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The excuse he offers in the last sentence of the first paragraph doesn’t help rectify his situation.  It may be an explanation, but it is hardly an exculpatory or even mitigating excuse.

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HEADLINE – Bin Laden sought name change, rebranding for Al Qaeda

Posted in dada, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Globalization, Headline, Headlines, Humor, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wrath of God, Travel, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 25, 2011 by paulboylan

The new, smiling, friendly face of international terror.

WASHINGTON—As Osama bin Laden watched his terrorist organization get picked apart, he lamented in his final writings that Al Qaeda was suffering from a marketing problem. He proposed Al Qaeda get a fresh start with a new name.

A friendlier image.

“The Crusader war against us has caused our name to lose its positive, favorable impression with the public,” Bin Laden wrote sometime in 2010. “We need a new, friendlier image,” Bin Laden concluded.

Bin Laden went on to make suggestions for a new name, including “Pal Qaeda,” “Jihad Is Us” and “Wahabi Wally’s Freedom Emporium.”  Al Qaeda in Iraq (AQR) lobbied hard to change their name to “Starbucks” or “Target” but Bin Laden warned his followers against choosing a name “that will only serve to draw us into protracted and expensive litigation, not to mention one that will cause great consumer confusion.”

Some of Starbuck's lawyers.

Al Queda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) suggested “The Ass Bomb Group” but Bin Laden chided AQAP and warned them not to choose a name that limited Al Qaeda’s operational parameters.

“I know how much you guys like to hide bombs in the rectums of idiot converts,” Bin Laden wrote, 

Idiot recruit (they actually convinced him to let them shove a bomb up his poop chute).

“…but a joke – even one that is rich with dramatic irony – should not create the framework within which we operate. If we called ourselves the Ass Bomb Group, that name choice would create a momentum to only use ass bombs to sow fear among the opponents of God.  As funny as that would be, humor should not limit our operational options.”

Bin Laden wrote one final letter instructing his followers to hire “some New York public relations firm” to help Al Qaeda come up with a catchy new name, a PR firm “preferably with a lot of Jews. Jews are so good at that kind of thing.  The Irish, not so much,” Bin Laden stated.

 

a public relations disaster.

The letter, which was undated, was discovered among bin Laden’s recent writings. Navy SEALs stormed his compound and killed him before any name change could be made. 

Federal Express

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Source: bin-laden-sought-name-change-rebranding-for-al-qaeda

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HEADLINE – Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces

Posted in Brave New World, dada, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Fair Use, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Human Sacrifice, Isnt nature wonderful?, Mad Scientists, News, ученые, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Science, Stupid People, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 17, 2011 by paulboylan

TOKYO - Mitsuyuki Ikeda, a researcher from the Okayama Laboratory, has developed steaks based on proteins from human excrement. 

“The process is very complex and expensive,” Ikeda explained. “The result is definitely edible. The problem is that it tastes like shit.”

“That tsunami really messed those people up,” said Evan Boylan, a student at Illinois State University, upon learned of the Japanese excrement-to-meat scientific breakthrough.

“That’s worse than f**king Soylent Green,” Boylan added.

SOURCE: http://japanesescientistscreatesmeatoutoffeces-

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HEADLINE – Gates rebukes European allies in farewell speech

Posted in Arab Spring, Brave New World, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Headline, Headlines, Humor, News, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Rage Against the Machine, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Totally Gay Mutual Defense Treaty Organizations, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 10, 2011 by paulboylan

"I hate you most of all," Gates said.

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OSLO – In an unusually stinging speech, made on his valedictory visit to Europe before he retires at the end of the month, Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates rebuked some of America’s staunchest allies Friday, saying the United States “is sick and tired of all you cheese eating, beer swilling, butt pinching surrender monkeys.”

“It’s been real and it’s been fun,” Gates continued, “but it hasn’t been real fun. I personally am not going to miss any of you, especially the Germans. What is up with you Germans, cozying up to the Russians? You think you can trust them? Really?”

Gates heaped insults upon the stunned and mostly silent foreign dignitaries in the room – and he didn’t stop with Europe.

“And you Muslims, especially you Arab Muslims, snap out of it. This whole jihad thing is just sad. Do what you need to do to put a stop to it. Those few homicidal morons are making all of you look bad. And your “Arab Spring” is a joke. You can yell and scream all you want but it isn’t going to change anything. When push comes to shove, your dictatorial governments will crush you like bugs just as Syria has done and is doing.”

“And Africa,” Gates said. “I am so tired of you people.  Why can’t you just get along?”

“Screw you guys, I’m going home,” Gates concluded and abruptly left the building.


Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/story.html

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HEADLINE – Qaddafi Taunts NATO

Posted in dada, Evil Smiley Face, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Libya, News, Our animal friends, Parody, Paying Attention, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Totally Gay Mutual Defense Treaty Organizations, Travel, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on May 15, 2011 by paulboylan

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TRIPOLI – Libyan state television carried brief audio tape remarks it said were by Muammar Qaddafi in which he taunted NATO.

 “What kind of a name is NATO? It sounds totally gay.  NATO is the gayest treaty organization in the world,” said the man on the audio tape, whose voice sounded like Qaddafi’s.

 “NATO?  How about GAY-TO?” he said, adding “Hey, NATO!  I has sex with your mother last night. And your sister. They were terrible. But you would know that, wouldn’t you?”

 Government spokesman Mussa Ibrahim said Qaddafi was unharmed and in Tripoli, leading the country and in good spirits.

Source:   http://www.thefrontierpost.com  

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HEADLINE – Tall, obese men at higher risk for blood clots

Posted in Isnt nature wonderful?, morbid obesity, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, News, pandemic, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Uncategorized, USA! USA! USA!, What are you sick or something? on May 11, 2011 by paulboylan

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Finally, some good news for short, obese men.

Source: http://tall-obese-clots-20110429

HEADLINE – Obama offends carnival barkers

Posted in American Decline, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Isnt nature wonderful?, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes on May 10, 2011 by paulboylan

MUNCIE – President Obama lost the support of carnival workers and side-show freaks when he compared them to “birthers” – people demanding the President prove he was born in the United States.

“We’re not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers,” Obama said after producing a copy of his long-form birth certificate proving he was born in Hawaii.

“It was like a slap in the face,” said Vinny Slimp, owner of the Slimp Family Circus.

Vinny Slimp

“The President’s comparison could ruin my business,” said Alberto Baracho, a carnival barker employed by the Ten in One Freak Emporium in Pensicola, Florida. “When people look at me now, they see Donald Trump or Orly Taitz, which could persuade them not to pay money to see the Bearded Lady or the Human Lobster.”

Donald Trump

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Orly Taitz

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The Bearded Lady

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The Human Lobster

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“I fully supported Obama in the last election, but that’s over now,” said Jo Jo the Dog Faced Boy.

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Jo Jo the Dog Faced Boy

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Source:  http://carnival-barkers-slam-obama html

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HEADLINE – Osama Bin Laden Home Videos Expected To Be Released

Posted in Barry Goldwater, Cinema, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Life, News, Our animal friends, Photography, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wrath of God, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on May 7, 2011 by paulboylan

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MUNCIE – Files recovered from Osama bil Laden’s personal computer reveal that the world’s most wanted man spent most of his days making intimate videos.

“Apparently, bin Laden considered himself the equivalent of a rock or movie star,” said Assistant US Secretary of State Vince Portho. “The homemade videos that will be released can only be described as bin Laden’s sex tapes.”

Celebrities often memorialize their erotic exploits through “sex tapes” that eventually are leaked to the media. Rob Lowe, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Colin Farrell, Pamela Anderson and figure skating sensation Tonya Harding are examples of celebrities that made private sex tapes.

Portho was quick to temper public expectations about bin Laden’s sex tapes. “Please understand that bin Laden was a very conservative muslim. Consequently, the tapes won’t be all that exciting by Western standards,” Portho cautioned.

“The videos mainly depict bin Laden sitting in the same room with fully clothed women, covered from head to toe in full niqab burkas. Neither bin Laden nor the women do anything other than just sit there, with the exception of bin Laden occasionally looking over at the women on the other side of the room, then looking back into the camera and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively,” Portho said.

Included in bin Laden’s video stash investigators also found thousands of photos bin Laden took himself.

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Source:  http://bin-laden-home-videos_2

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HEADLINE – Trump takes credit for bin Laden death

Posted in American Decline, dada, Headline, Headlines, Humor, News, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Stupid People, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on May 2, 2011 by paulboylan

Donald Trump

MUNCIE – Real estate mogul and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump took credit tonight for Osama bin Laden’s death.

“I am very proud of the fact that, by forcing the President to produce his birth certificate, that the President was finally able to concentrate and put the time and effort into apprehending and killing that bin Laden guy,” said Trump in New York tonight.

“It is no coincidence that bin Laden was killed right after the President produced the long form of his birth certificate, which I made him do,” Trump said.

Trump recently announced that he will seek the presidency after his television show “Celebrity Apprentice” concludes.

An anonymous source within the White House confirmed that, when President Obama learned of Trump’s decision, the President smiled, said “excellent” and began stroking a Persian cat sitting on the President’s lap.

Representatives of the GOP were not available for comment.

HEADLINE – “Birthers” attack Obama for releasing birth certificate

Posted in American Decline, Barry Goldwater, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Mad Men, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Racism in America, satire, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Uncategorized, USA! USA! USA!, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on May 1, 2011 by paulboylan

A prominent crazy person hooting like a loon on Fox News.

Donald Trump hooting like a loon for an audience in Las Vegas.

Sara Palin hooting like a loon for supporters in Boston

John Boehner hooting like a loon in Washington D.C.

Rick Perry hooting like a loon in Texas.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia hooting like a loon.

Michelle Bachmann hooting like a loon in Cleveland, Ohio

Mitt Romney hooting like a loon in Spartanburg, South Carolina.

MUNCIE - Republican leaders on Thursday slammed President Obama’s release of his detailed birth certificate as a distraction from the issue of whether or not he was born in the United States.

“Its a distraction from our distraction,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Preibus said on “CNN Newsroom,” referring to Obama’s decision to release his long-form birth certificate.

Reince Preibus with a silly big hammer. Like the kind of hammer a judge uses in court, but way bigger.

“The whole ‘show us your birth certificate’ thing was the greatest non issue in American political history, totally distracting millions of people from the real issues,” Preibus continued. “It’s maddening that the President would put an end to our yelling and screaming for him to show us his birth certificate by actually disproving our idiotic charges – charges that have never been made against any other sitting president or any candidate for the presidency.”

Born in Panama, but his citizenship has never been questioned.

“Well, that isn’t entirely true,” Preibus then admitted. “There was a persistent rumor that Grover Cleveland was born in Canada.”

Probably Canadian.

“But no one made an issue of it because Cleveland wasn’t …. he wasn’t like Obama,” Preibus said and ran off.

Preibus running away.

Most birthers feel the issue is not settled: “Okay, so he was born in Hawaii,” said Donald Trump, billionaire birther and possible Republican presidential candidate.

Donald Trump reacts to Obama proving he was born in Hawaii.

“But science has proven that the blacks, they just aren’t good in school. How could Obama go to Harvard much less be president?”

It just doesn’t seem possible.

“It just doesn’t make scientific sense. I am prepared to show that a black man couldn’t possibly have been smart enough to go to Harvard, and to prove it I have investigators researching Obama’s elementary school report cards.  The word is his grades were bad, very bad. The word is he failed gym because he wouldn’t play dodge ball, which is exactly what someone born in Kenya would do. The word is that Kenyans hate dodge ball.”

Everybody knows Africans prefer basketball.

“The only way a black man could get into Harvard is through Affirmative Action, so all the stories about Obama being a smart negro are clearly a fraud,” Trump concludes.

Trump, quoting “The Bell Curve” and loving it.

“Heck, do they even let those people go to college?” asked Marilyn Davenport, a Republican official in Southern California. “They didn’t allow that sort of thing in my day,” Davenport said.

Marilyn Davenport, arguing in favor of repealing the Voting Rights Act.

“It’s all fun, it’s all a circus, it’s all a rodeo, until it starts to smack of racism. And then it’s no longer fun,” late night talk show host David Letterman said.

“We dwell in a time when buffoons are elevated and presidents are compelled to respond to the jester. These circumstances cannot bode well for the republic,” said Kathleen Parker of the Washington Post.

“It’s not about proving anything that’s real. It’s about demonizing someone, in this case the president of the United States, by pursuing a lie under the guise of pursuing the truth. Some of the foot soldiers in this illicit campaign may be stupid, but the intent behind it is clearly thought out. If you don’t move away from it, you stand with bigotry and stupidity. We need to shine a light on those who, in the name of patriotism, defile the ideas they pretend to defend,” said Marcos Benton, in an editorial for the Sacramento Bee.

“This isn’t over,” declared Orly Taitz, real estate agent, plumber, soon-to-be-disbarred attorney and self proclaimed “Queen” of the birther movement.

Wait for it….

“I have a piece of paper that proves Obama is Hitler, Stalin and Martha Stewart,” Taitz said just prior to her head exploding from natural causes.

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Sources:

http://gop-pivots-on-birther-questions-blames-obama-html

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/david-letterman

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/birthers_buffoonery

http://www.sacbee.com/9 

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