EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW – JOHN BOEHNER

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House of Representatives Republican Majority Leader John Boehner recently stated “Obama wants to obliterate the Republican Party.” Boehner’s complaint has inspired me to draft a fake interview where he explains why Obama needs to do anything at all to destroy the GOP when the GOP is doing a fine job of destroying itself.

I haven’t finished writing the interview yet, but I have collected together the photos I will use for illustration:

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HEADLINE – 2 ACCIDENTALLY SHOT AT GUN SHOW

Bought a gun at a gun show without a background check.

WACO, Texas – 2 people were injured at a gun show, completely baffling gun rights activists.

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Inbred redneck gun owner contemplating the causes of gun violence.

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“It is a complete mystery to me how on earth these two people could be accidentally shot a gun show,” said Skip Henderson, gun enthusiast, misogynist, homophobe, racist and sociopath.

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Skip Anderson can buy this gun at a gun show without a background check.

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At gun shows Americans – or anyone – can purchase automatic weapons without any background check being conducted.

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“Hello, my name is Joe, and that is my real name. It is not a made up name. I am Joe. And I am interested in purchasing your AK-47 in a cash transaction. Oooo! Are those high-capacity ammunition magazine clips I see in that bag?”

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 “I bet Obama snuck in here and shot those 2 people to make gun owners look bad so that he and his Negro Army can come and take away our guns” Henderson said.

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“Guns are not responsible for these injuries and it is completely irresponsible to imply that guns have any connection to gun violence whatsoever anywhere in the world especially at a gun show,”  said Tripp Wightman, a gun rights activist,”doomsday prepper” and paranoid schizophrenic who buys guns at gun shows without any background checks and makes methane from his own excrement.

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Mentally unfit to purchase a gun, but passed a background check because no court had ever declared him mentally unfit. So, like hundreds of thousands of people who should not ever own a gun, he was allowed to purchase one. And then he went to a political rally.

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“I will shoot anyone in the head multiple times using a semi automatic weapon with a fucking huge ammo clip,” Wightman said.  “I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought.  Oh yeah, the point I am trying to make is to make it very clear that I will shoot and kill anyone who argues that gun violence – the epidemic of gun violence that is sweeping across our nation and tearing apart the fabric of our society.  Hell, it happened again. I totally lost my train of thought.”

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He purchased two hand guns, a shot gun, and a semi automatic rifle and passed all three background checks. No court had ever declared him mentally unfit. Consequently he was not in the federal database that is used to perform background checks of people buying guns.
After purchasing these guns, he went to the cinema.

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“Where was I?  Oh yeah, I will brutally murder anyone who so much as implies that guns have anything to do with gun violence or attempts in any way to improve mental health care for background checks to prevent someone like me from buying all the guns I want.  And then I will mutilate their bodies.  And if possible, I will sell the body parts – including fluids – to raise money so I can buy more guns.  That is how much I love America.  That is how much I love the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution that protects my rights to own and use weapons that are designed to kill people. Lots and lots of people.  Lots and lots of smelly, anti-American sinners who are building socialist agnostic, atheist, and Catholic robots that steal my luggage, violate my rights and infringe on my personal freedoms,”  said Wightman.

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He bought this gun at a gun show without a background check. And now he is watching your children walk to school.

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“No one loves America more than me.  Or guns,” said Wightman.  “Did I tell you that I make methane from my own poop?  I do it to stop the government from reading my thoughts.”

“The only option I will consider to remedy what is arguably an epidemic of gun related deaths in the United States is  what the NRA proposed, and that is posting armed guards in every school in the country.  But I do not want any taxpayer money to pay for it.  I want these armed guards to be volunteers.”

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Eager to volunteer.

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 ”In other words, people like me,” Wightman concluded before adjusting the aluminum foil cap covering his head.

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Gun owners are willing to kill in order to maintain unrestrained access to assault weapons and the lack of background checks for those buying automatic weapons.

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UPDATE: subsequent to the posting of this story,  5 additional people were accidentally shot at gun shows in the United States.

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VOICES OF THE REVOLUTION

The American Republican Party is breaking up.  A nascent war between the far right and the middle for the soul of the GOP has begun.

I predict  (and I am not alone in this) that the extreme right – the screeching lunatics who couldn’t keep their racist, misogynistic, homophobic mouths shut – will double-down on their lunacy and drive the GOP even farther to right edge of the political spectrum – and right off the edge of the political world.

We won’t actually see the GOP fragment into a bunch of independent, special interest parties before the next election. But, because the lunatics control the state-based primary and nomination process, the next Republican candidate will not even pretend – like Romney did – to be palatable to the majority of American voters.  The next Republican candidate will be openly racist, misogynistic, homophobic, dead set against immigration reform  and won’t even pretend to care about anyone making less than $500,000 per year.

That person, whoever it is, will lose to Hillary Clinton in an electoral landslide, but a close popular vote.

Which will cause the extreme right to go absolutely insane. They will triple down on their lunacy.

And that is the point when Republican moderates (yes, they do exist) will finally have had  enough.

The following recent voices are signposts into the Twilight Zone.

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“When I talk about a civil war in the Republican Party, what I mean is, it’s time for Republican elected leaders to stand up and to repudiate this nonsense [of the extreme right wing], and to repudiate it directly.”

Steve Schmidt, a top Republican strategist who ran John McCain’s 2008 campaign

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The demographics race we’re losing badly. We’re not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long term.”

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

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 “We’ve got to make sure that we are not the party of big business, big banks, big Wall Street bailouts, big corporate loopholes, big anything. We cannot be, we must not be, the party that simply protects the rich so they get to keep their toys.”

Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-LA)

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“A majority of the American people believe that the one good point about Republicans is they won’t raise taxes. However they also believe Republicans caused the economic mess in the first place and might do it again, cannot be trusted to care about cutting spending in a way that is remotely concerned about who it hurts, and are retrograde to the point of caricature on everything else.”

Heather Higgins, conservative activist

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 “Let me just be candid: My party [the GOP] is full of racists, and the real reason a considerable portion of my party wants President Obama out of the White House has nothing to do with the content of his character, nothing to do with his competence as commander-in-chief and president, and everything to do with the color of his skin, and that’s despicable.”

Retired Army Col. Lawrence Wilkerson

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“If the party doesn’t change, we can put the party on a Carnival cruise line ship during the next election and they can enjoy themselves up and down the Caribbean because that’s about the size it will become.”

John Weaver, a GOP strategist who ran ex-Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman’s presidential bid

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 “The Republicans are for free enterprise, but not free people. And that is their fundamental problem. Their freedom only applies to businesses, not individuals.”

Jennifer Granholm, commentator for politico.com

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 “In reality, the Republican Party didn’t lose the election because of Sandy, or Christie, or a mural. It lost because 71 percent of Latinos, 93 percent of black people, 73 percent of Asian Americans, and 55 percent of women voted against it. The party did not embrace policies that appeal to these demographic groups—and lost. And that’s the GOP’s fault.”

Jake Heller, reporter

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 “At the end of the day, conservatives were left out in the cold. It should have been a landslide for Romney – had he embraced a truly conservative agenda.”

Brent Bozell, president of the conservative Media Research Center

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 “We didn’t sell a positive vision.”

Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.)

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 “We need a legitimate third party to challenge the current system that we have, because I don’t believe that the Republican Party … has the ability to rebrand itself.”

Herman Cain

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“I can’t stop crying.  America died. The Democrat Party voted God out and replaced Him with Romans 1. In the Good vs Evil battle…today…Evil won. Thanks a lot Christians, for not showing up. You disgust me.”

Victoria Jackson, former actress and born again Christian

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“Tea partiers will take over the Republican Party within four years.”

Richard A. Viguerie, chairman of conservatiehq.com

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“If conservative lawmakers want to win elections, they better pay attention to and address youth voters currently swayed by leftist professors who indoctrinate them for Democrats with cherry-picked lesson plans and biased lectures.”

Jennifer Kabbany (quoting “several prominent educators”)

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“President Obama once said he wants everybody in America to go to college. What a snob.”

Rick Santorum

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“There are good decent men and women, who go out everyday to put their skills to test that aren’t taught by some liberal college professor trying to indoctrinate them. I understand why [Obama] wants you to go to college — he wants to remake you in his image.”

Rick Santorum

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21 PHOTOS!

 

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I found this on CBS’ internet news site.

I feel anything short of 22 photos of a girl found dead in her dorm room is a waste of my time.

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH PAUL RYAN

[In this frankly fictitious interview, Congressman Paul Ryan – Mitt Romney’s choice for Vice President – talked with People of Earth about his recent refusal to discuss Mitt’ Romney’s tax proposals because it would take too long to explain.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Congressman Ryan, let’s cut to the chase.  You recently appeared on Fox News and refused to discuss yours and Mitt Romney’s tax proposals because it would take too long to explain.

RYAN:  That’s right.  When Mitt Romney and I are elected, within the first 100 days of our first term in office we will cut every American’s taxes by 20%.

POE: How will you do that?

RYAN:  We will do it by closing tax loopholes.

POE:  Which ones?

RYAN:  Isn’t America great, Paul?

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POE:  Hold on. Let’s not get distracted.

RYAN:  What? Do you deny that America is the greatest nation the world has ever seen?

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POE:  About your tax proposals –

RYAN:  It’s about freedom, Paul.

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The freedom to die in the street.

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POE:  Congressman Ryan, I will talk with you about freedom later –

RYAN:  Freedom is great.

POE:  No argument there.  But –

RYAN:  It is great to be free.

POE: How would you cut taxes 20% for all Americans?

RYAN:  Could you repeat the question?

POE: How would you cut taxes 20% for all Americans?

RYAN:  We would do it by eliminating tax loopholes.

POE:  Which ones?

RYAN: Which ones what?

POE: Which tax loopholes would you eliminate to cut every American’s taxes by 20%?

RYAN:  We would cut a lot of them.

POE:  Yes, but which ones?

RYAN:  Well, it would take a lot of time to answer that question, Paul, so I would rather not do it.

POE:  We have all the time in the world.  Please feel free to explain.

RYAN:  I have many demands on my time. I am busy trying to save America from being destroyed by a secret Muslim socialist baby killer.

POE:  Clearly, you are a busy man.  So let’s use what time we have left hearing your explanation of how you and Mitt Romney are going to cut taxes by closing tax loopholes.

RYAN:  The explanation involves a lot of math.

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POE:  Do you understand the math?

RYAN:  I sure do!  I have the reputation in congress of being a number cruncher.

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“I TOTALLY crunched these numbers, you crunching mother cruncher!”

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POE:  Good, then why don’t you explain what you understand?

RYAN:  Because, even though I understand it – because I am real smart – it would take too long for you to understand it.

POE:  I am real smart, too.

RYAN:  Not as smart as me.

POE:  I have advanced degrees in mathematics and economics.

RYAN:  There still isn’t enough time for me to explain it.

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POE:  So you just want America to take it on faith that you are right – without any explanation before the election.

RYAN:  Bingo. On the nose.  Yes, exactly.

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POE:  But why should we believe you?  You lied to us about running a marathon in record time.

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RYAN:  (Laughing) yeah, I did lie about that, didn’t I?  But this is different.  I’m telling the truth here.  Mitt and I have a great plan to cut taxes by closing tax loopholes and it is a great plan but it is too complex for the average voter to understand.

POE: Okay. Then let’s try to apply some basic math here.  You want to cut taxes by eliminating tax loopholes.  That doesn’t add up.

RYAN:  Sure it does.

POE:  No it doesn’t.  People use tax loopholes to cut their taxes, to pay less tax.  Eliminating a tax loophole will increase the taxes for people who rely on those loopholes.  So by eliminating tax loopholes you are just shifting the tax burden from one group to another.  Some may see a tax decrease, but others will see a tax increase.

RYAN:  Not if you cut spending.  If you cut spending, then the tax reductions won’t increase the deficit because we are spending less than we are taking in overall.

POE:  You are talking about trillions of dollars in spending cuts.

RYAN: (Pausing) uh huh.

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POE:  What spending are you going to cut?

RYAN:  Isn’t America great, Paul?

POE:  Don’t change the subject.  True or false: you are proposing huge tax cuts for the richest Americans.

RYAN:  Can you repeat the question?

POE: Yes or no: you are proposing huge tax cuts for the richest Americans.

RYAN:  You changed the question from “true or false” to “yes or no.”

POE:  I did that to make it easier for you to answer. Here is the question again – yes or no: you are proposing huge tax cuts for the richest Americans.

RYAN:  Yes.

POE:  Yes or no:  without an increase in taxes or, in the alternative, a cut in spending, cutting taxes for the wealthy will cause further budget deficits.

RYAN: We prefer to call rich people “job creators.”

POE:  My question, again is – yes or no:  without tax increases or spending reductions, cutting taxes for the wealthy will cause further budget deficits.

RYAN:  Yes. President Obama failed to -

POE:  Yes or no:  if elected, you will not cut military spending, corporate welfare, tax breaks for oil companies, or federal give-aways to red states with Republican majorities, but will, instead, cut education funding, food and safety regulations, entitlement programs for the poor and elderly.

RYAN: No, that isn’t true.  We are going to save Medicare and social security.

POE:  But the rest is true?

RYAN: (Pausing) yes, but we are going to save Medicare and Social Security.

POE:  How are you going to do that.

RYAN:  It would take too long to explain.

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POE:  Yes or no:  you intend on “saving” Medicare and Social Security by privatizing them.

RYAN:  Yes, but we won’t be making any changes that will affect any people currently retired or about to retire.

POE:  What about people like me who have paid taxes our whole lives into the Medicare and Social Security system but who aren’t going to retire for at least ten years?

RYAN:  Oh. Well, people like you are shit out of luck.

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“I feel your pain, you poor, sick, homeless, irrelevant asshole. Get a job.”

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POE:  How so?

RYAN:  By the time you retire, the Medicare and Social Security systems as we now know them will have been abolished and replaced by a voucher system where every American gets a flat payment they can use for retirement living expenses or medical care.  Or they can invest that money in the stock market and become rich the way Mitt Romney and his rich friends have.

POE:  What if the stock market crashes after I converted my retirement and health care vouchers into stock?

RYAN:  Shit out of luck.

POE:  What if I keep the money, but my living expenses and medical care are higher than what the voucher covers?

RYAN:  Shit out of luck. But so what? That’s your fault for not working harder and saving more, or, if your stock investments tank, its your fault for not having enough money to hire expensive investment advisors like the kind Mitt Romney and I have to help us know when the stock market is going to crash so we can take our money out before that happens and make huge profits off of the backs of people like you who can’t afford the same level of financial advice and so couldn’t get their money out of the market before it crashes.  And it is going to crash. It always crashes.

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RYAN:  That’s how people like Mitt and me make our money. We buy low after a crash, then sell high right before the next crash.  This process essentially takes money out of your pocket and puts it in ours.  And we didn’t have to do anything other than hire someone to tell us when to buy and when to sell – people you can’t afford to hire.  The free market is a beautiful thing.  We get rid of Medicare and Social Security and give you a check instead to invest in the stock market. Then we take that money the government gave you when the stock market crashes and you lose that money you invested – to us!  We get richer, and better able to pay for the advice we need to do it again, and you get poorer and less able to pay for the kind of financial advice you need to avoid being a victim to the financial game that we are essentially forcing you to play but that we fixed to benefit us at your disadvantage!

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RYAN:  When the US government encouraged people to gamble with their retirement money by investing it in the stock market it resulted in the biggest redistribution of wealth from the middle class to the upper class in history!  We can do the same thing with Medicare and Social Security, and the beauty part is that these “vouchers” will be paid for with tax money – middle class tax money – being snatched out of the hands of elderly Americans and sucked right into the offshore tax sheltered secret bank accounts of the wealthy!

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It’s socialism in reverse! Instead of redistributing wealth downward from the rich back to the poor, it redistributes wealth upward!

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POE: So that is how you are going to save Medicare and Social Security?

RYAN:  Yup.

POE: By destroying it and replacing it with a voucher system that favors the rich at the expense of the middle class and poor?

RYAN:  We prefer the term “reform.”

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POE:  A distinction without a difference.

RYAN:  That is free market economics, baby!  It is what made American great. Well, to be honest – and, as we’ve determined in this interview, honesty does not come easy to me – free market economics made some Americans great, but not all.  And for a good reason. Someone has to be so afraid of starving to death and dying of preventable disease to work for near starvation wages and be grateful for it in order for a very small group of people who don’t work at all to be super rich forever.

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If they get hungry enough, they will be satisfied with less.

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RYAN:  That is how every system that allowed a small group of people to get rich and stay rich has worked through the ages.  Something went wrong here in America, but Mitt and I – joined with a Senate and House of Representatives controlled by social conservatives – will set it right.  I mean, look at China!  They have what we want:  a huge group of serfs without health insurance of any kind working hard for virtually nothing to make less than 1% of the Chinese population rich!

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RYAN: Sure, you get the occasional peasant riot in factories, that are more like prisons with barbed wire fences and guard towers around them, but look at how the Chinese deal with those ingrates – they round them up, throw them in real prisons where they make them work, this time for no pay, and then sell their internal organs to rich people all over the world who get the best medical care their money can pay for so they can live on virtually forever.

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RYAN:  Look at Dick Cheney!  He should have died years ago.  For a while he didn’t even have a heartbeat!  But he is rich!  We are so close. So close to getting that for everyone who counts, who matters – the job creators.

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RYAN:  It is so close.  But with voter suppression efforts, voter vigilante gangs that will harass minority voters at the polls, and with the grace of God, we will win this election and the revolution will be an accomplished fact.  This may be our last chance.  If Obama wins, he will improve education, which means the average voter is more likely to see through the bullshit I am spouting and realize that I want to use Big Government to make me and my rich friends even richer and to impose an economic system on America that is the modern equivalent of feudalism where workers have no rights and the poor are free to die, and where the wealthy ruling class uses modern technology to suppress dissent by listening to phone calls and reading emails and text messages to find the potential leaders of any popular revolt and have them arrested because they are terrorists trying to overthrow the political system oppressing and enslaving them.

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RYAN: We are so close. Everything is in place.  We have the legislation we need to suppress dissent. The vast majority of the population is now dependent on electronic means of communications like phones and the internet; there are CCTV cameras everywhere, which means we have everyone under surveillance. We control the Supreme Court.  The Press is now irrelevant as a watchdog.  We are about to take over congress and the executive office. We won’t get a chance like this again for a generation, if ever.  So this is it. We have to take advantage of a stupid, undereducated electorate before steps are taken to teach them critical thinking skills.

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HEADLINE – DONALD TRUMP SAYS “VENGEANCE IS A CHRISTIAN VALUE”

 

“Jesus wants me to take vengeance against my hair stylist.”

MUNCIE –   During a speech on Monday at the Lynchburg, Virginia Christian college, Liberty University, Donald Trump gave the assembled Christian students some advice: “Get even.”

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“A few of you may say my advice is anti-Christian. Wrong!” Trump said.

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A student pointed out that Trumps advice conflicts with Christ’s Sermon on the Mount recorded in chapters 5-7 of the Gospel of Matthew, where Jesus tells his followers to reject the Old Testament rules on eye-for-an-eye justice and, if slapped, turn the other cheek rather than retaliate.

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 ”Don’t believe any of that malarky,” Trump responded.  ”Jesus was being misquoted by the liberal media.”

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The liberal media makes Jesus very, very angry.

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“Believe me, the central message of Christianity is “every man for himself” and “always kick a man when he’s down because there is no better time to do it,” Trump said.

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Trump, married three times, then advised the assembled students to get prenuptial agreements before they get married.

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“Jesus wasn’t married and I know why,” Trump said.  ”It is because they didn’t have prenuptial agreements in those days so if you got married you were screwed if you wanted to get out of it, especially if you had a lot of money and the woman seduced you because she wanted your money.  But Jesus avoided all of that by not getting married. I’m not saying he didn’t play the field. He just didn’t get married.  I am absolutely sure that, if Jesus had access to a prenuptial agreement, he would have been married. At least once.”

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Maybe more than once.

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The university has posted a video of Trump’s speech on its website, noting that Chancellor Falwell introduced Trump as ”one of the greatest visionaries of our time.”

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A Flagrant Violation of Copyright

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video_subtitles.html

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In the original, didn’t the idealistic good guys all die in the end?

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THE DAMNED

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The Blue Church of God is much more forgiving.

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Vegetarians?

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OBAMA VS ROMNEY – THE TRUE DIFFERENCE

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I’m betting on the Professor.  For obvious reasons.

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Most Americans Oppose Obama’s Health Care Reforms, but Likes What it Does

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No joke: it’s real -

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A Reuters/Ipsos poll showed on Sunday that most Americans oppose President Barack Obama’s healthcare reform even though they strongly support its provisions.

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Medicare is a government run health care program.

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This seems, well, sort of stupid, if not crazy, so People of Earth: Attention located an average American to interview and find out what is going on.

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The average American voter.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Thank you for speaking with me today to clear up how you, the average American voter, feels about President Obama’s reforms of the American medical care system.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  It’s simple, Paul.  Like most Americans, I vehemently oppose the President’s plan while strongly supporting the reforms within that plan.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Let me ask you a different question.  Do you like cheese?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: I love cheese.

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Loves cheese.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Do you like mozzarella?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  You bet. I love mozzarella.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Do you like tomato sauce?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  I sure do.

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Loves tomato sauce.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Do you like dough that can be baked into a crust?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  You mean like pizza crust?

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Yes. Like pizza crust.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  I can eat it all day.

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Likes pizza crust.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Great. Do you like mozzarella cheese pizza?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  No, I do not.

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Does not like cheese pizza.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Why not?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Because I am sick and tired of the government shoving pizza down my throat.  And a black man made that pizza.  It doesn’t taste right. It doesn’t taste American.  It tastes Kenyan. I bet there is dog on that pizza.  I heard it on Fox News.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Perhaps your opposition has something to do with the spices used to prepare the pizza.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  I don’t believe in spices. Like global climate change.  Spices aren’t expressly described in the Bible or the U.S. Constitution, so spices don’t exist.  Especially garlic.

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Doesn’t believe in garlic.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Garlic doesn’t exist?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Nope.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  I think there was some in the salad I ate for lunch.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  No there wasn’t.  Garlic doesn’t exist.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  But I ate some.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  No you didn’t.  Look, do you see the word “garlic” used in the Bible or the Constitution?

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Has never read the Bible or the Constitution, but believes in their infallibility.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  No.  I don’t think the American Founding Fathers discussed garlic.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Well, there you go. I proved it doesn’t exist.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  But I ate some.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: So?

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Solvitur ambulando.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Huh?

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Doesn’t know that was Latin.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:   Nothing. Thank you. I have no further questions.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Any time, Paul.  We’re about to sit down to dinner. Would you like to join us?

PEOPLE OF EARTH: What are you serving?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Mozzarella cheese on a baked crust with tomato sauce.  My favorite.

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Loves cheese and tomato sauce backed onto a bread-like crust, but hates pizza because he heard bad things about it on Fox News.

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Postscript:

Global climate change is causing rising sea levels that are causing the erosion of coastline in those American states with ocean borders.  The State of Virgina is one of them – the same state with a Republican majority intending to pass a law that requires any woman seeking an abortion to have ahtransvaginal ultrasound/prior to obtaining an abortion.

Virginia’s beaches are eroding, and there is a bill in the Virginia legislature that seeks funds to study how to best address the changing sea levels and their effect on Virginia’s Atlanatic coastline.  However, prominent Republicans refused to support the bill because they do not believe in global climate change or “changing sea levels,”  but the bill obtained their support when the bill’s author amended the bill to replace the phrase with “persistent flooding.”   http://hamptonroads.com/2012/06/lawmakers-avoid-buzzwords-climate-change-bills 

God bless America and save us from the dark madness that is sweeping across out once great nation.

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Is fascinated by shiny objects and collects string – AND he votes!

HEADLINE – Michigan woman censored for saying “vagina.”

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DETROIT – A Michigan lawmaker has been banned from speaking on the House floor after saying the word “vagina” while debating a Republican sponsored bill that would strictly restrict abortion rights in the state.

“I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina,” Rep. Lisa Brown said, addressing the Speaker of the House, “but ‘no’ means ‘no.’”

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Brown was gaveled into silence by House Speaker James Bolger (R-Bumfuck) for “violating the decorum of the House.”  Brown was then barred from speaking during the debate about a school employee retirement bill because she used the “V-word” in an unrelated debate.

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James Bolger

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“Listen, silly, even the concept of a vagina is offensive and is probably an anti-American commie liberal socialist secular humanist plot,” Bolger said.  “Like global warming and a deserving poor person, I don’t think it exists. I married  two women, not at the same time of course – so there is no way I could be gay – and I never found either of my wives’ vaginas, and I tried terribly, terribly hard for years,” Bolger said before explaining how fabulous  Joan Crawford, Judy Garland and musical theater is.

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“I think I saw one over there.”

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“Seriously. Years,” said Bolger’s second wife, Charlene. “I did everything I could think of to help James locate my vagina, but he just can’t get past his fear that girls have ‘cooties.’”

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“If girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, then why do they smell like sardines?” whispered conservative Republican former Senator Larry Craig (married, with children) on the Senate floor during a debate to defund Planned Parenthood a few months prior to being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a men’s bathroom. Senator Craig didn’t realize the microphone was on when he whispered his joke to a fellow conservative Republican Bob Allen.

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“I haven’t worn underwear since 1978 and I have a big red arrow painted on my abdomen pointed down. Nothing seems to help,”Charlene added.

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Bolger’s first wife, Betty, agrees. “Jim doesn’t know anything about vaginas. On our wedding night he burst into tears, locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out until I promised to “put that thing away.”

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For many Republicans the “V word” issue is less about abysmal sexual ignorance, misogyny or covert homosexuality, and more about returning America to a better time before non-whites “ruined everything.”

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“Fair is fair. If I can’t say nigger then you can’t say vagina, okay?” said Republican political strategist, Baptist minister, Holocaust denier and high school drop out Trip Tripperson.

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Trip Tripperson

“You let me call negroes niggers again, and Mexicans wet backs, and Asians gooks, and the mentally handicapped morons, and homos faggots, and women bitches and cunts –  just like God intended – and I’ll let you call beavers vaginas.  I want my country back, okay? Where’s the birth certificate?? Where’s the birth certificate??!!!” Tripperson shouted in presumed support for Republican sponsored legislation requiring women to post nude photos of themselves in fetish poses on “Christian D/s lifestyle” websites before obtaining an abortion.

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Ron Severstone – the sole remaining moderate Republican – suggests a possible compromise. 

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Ron Severstone

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“There are plenty of ways white men can effectively discuss the plan to turn back the clock and utterly dominate the sex lives of women without offending the lunatic fringe that has taken over the GOP,” Severstone said, a Republican politician who will soon be accused of “hating America” for offering to compromise with “satan worshiping baby killers.”

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“For example, we can call it ‘the hoo ha’ or “the bad thing” or “the otter’s pocket” or – my personal favorite – ‘the lady cave,” Sevestone suggested before running for his life.

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Still others simply view this recent kerfuffle as part of an ongoing process. “History has shown that, when male dominated societies wants to control women, they make sure that women’s bodies are considered obscene as part of reducing a woman’s status to that of a servant and  as property, rather than as a person,” said Professor Judith Holmes.

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 “That is what is essentially happening now.  And, to be brutally honest, it’s working,” Professor Holmes said just before renouncing her American citizenship and emigrating to Australia.

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Prof. Judith Holmes

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The anti-abortion law passed in the House 70-39, with all Republicans voting in favor of it. The legislation now goes to the Senate and is expected to pass with only democrats voting against it.

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AMERICAN PASTOR SUGGESTS “FINAL SOLUTION” FOR HOMOSEXUALITY

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No kidding.  A “final solution” like the kind Hitler suggested for Europe’s “Jewish problem.”

You simply won’t believe how evil this man is.  And he isn’t alone. Millions of Americans see no problem with what he proposes.

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Perhaps Bangar was right:  the central tenant of Christianity for these people is “love thy neighbor, but it’s okay to hate them and kill them if they are different from you.”

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HEADLINE – Repulblican lawmaker wants homosexuals killed.

The Mississippi state lawmaker who cited a Bible passage on Facebook calling for gay men to be “put to death” has taken to the social networking site again to refuse to apologize for the remark.

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Mississippi State Rep. Andy Gipson

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Rep. Andy Gipson (R-Braxton) went on Facebook Friday to say that although he has been receiving emails and calls from around the country about his citation ofLeviticus 20:13, as well as Romans 1:26-28, in a May 10 Facebook post on President Barack Obama’s endorsement of gay marriage, he will not say he’s sorry. 

“To be clear, I want the world to know that I do not, cannot, and will not apologize for the inspired truth of God’s Word. It is one thing that will never ‘change,’” Gipson wrote. “Anyone who knows me knows I also believe that all people are created in God’s image, and He gave us His Son Jesus.  John 3:16. It is this message that I preach every Sunday, along with my Christian belief that God wants all homosexuals to be killed. Jesus hates homosexuals.”

“I want that queer Richard Simmons to be the first with a bullet through is sinful homo brain,” Gipson added. “He gives me the creeps. Same for that freak Miss J on America’s Next Top Model. Now that’s a great TV show. Just great. Never miss it. I TiVo it when I’m at an “Invisible Empire” meetin’ so I won’t miss it. Hot wimmin runnin’ around in their underwear posing for pictures. Nothing wrong with that.  It pleases me, so it pleases God – except for the negro models. Its against the laws of God for the races to mix so I am against any encouragement in that direction.”

“Tim Gunn on Project Runway can stay for a while.  Yeah, he’s gay, and talks a little queer but other than that he looks normal.  I like his style. And I’m hoping maybe he can get me on his new makeover show,” Gipson said before walking into a wall, injuring himself.

“Easy come, easy go,” Gipson quipped before spitting out a few broken teeth.

Gipson also pointed out that, unlike homosexuality, God is in favor of and “smiles upon” slavery and selling women. “That’s what it says in Leviticus, so slavery and women-selling, especially virgins – and who doesn’t like virgins? – is a part of God’s law, so it should be America’s law, too. America is a capitalist country and selling women and negroes should be just as easy and free of government regulation as selling cows. We’re talkin’ commerce here. We’re talkin’ selling something with value for a profit – just as God intended. It’s in Leviticus. Look it up.”

‘I want all civil laws replaced with biblical law. Except for circumcision. If jews want to do that, then fine with me, but it makes no sense in the modern world because I think it is a bad idea. So except for God’s commandment about circumcision, we enact all the rest.  Well, except for that stuff about not eating pork.  I loves me some pork,” Gipson concluded.

In addition to being a Baptist Minister, Gipson, 35, has served in the Mississippi Legislature since 2008. He chairs a judiciary committee.  He supports Mitt Romney for president.

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BANNED IN THE U.S.A.

There are places in the United States where this comic cannot be sold.  

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And rightly so: this comic book is part of the liberal conspiracy to brainwash the youth of America into committing the ungodly acts of sex outside of marriage and outside of race.

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Do you think Archie is carrying a condom?  You bet he is. Do you think that negress (don’t let her light skin color fool you) Archie is clearly in the process of carrying off to his bed is on the birth control pill? Of course she is.  She is clearly utterly unafraid of pregnancy, which encourages her willingness to have sex with Archie, thereby subverting the truth of God’s word.

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And although this mulatto hussy apparently lives the decadent and anti-Christian “rock and roll lifestyle,” Archie still lives with his parents in a Christian home.  So this comic book cover communicates directly into our pure and untainted children’s minds Satan’s message that it is “okay” for two unmarried teens to have interracial sex -purely for the pleasure of it and not for the purposes of procreation – in their parent’s house using tax payer subsidized birth control.

Vote Republican this November and we will put a stop to this evil.

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THREE STOOGES (a fair and balanced comparison)

Here are three stooges:

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Moe, Curly and Larry.  

Moe is their leader. It is generally agreed-upon by pundits and intellectuals alike that Moe is head stooge and calls the shots for the other stooges.

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Here are three more stooges:

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This is not a balanced group of stooges. They appear to be three Larries.  Maybe a  Curly or two. One may aspire to be Shemp.  But who is their leader? Who calls the shots?  At best – and I do mean best – Santorum is Moe (bossy), Romney is Larry (easily confused) and Gingrich is Curly (a fat goof). At best.

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I just love the word “stooge.”

Stooge.

Ha!

THE COMING AMERICAN RELIGIOUS WAR

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I consider myself a Republican, conservative Christian man of faith. The problem is that I am Greek Orthodox, which the vast majority of the GOP base does not recognize as being Christian.

I cherish my freedoms, including the freedom to worship the Almighty the way I want. I will be damned if anyone is going to use the political process to impress their religious views upon me – and that is exactly what thehNew Republican Party is hell-bent on doing./

At it’s heart, this conflict is about the same things that caused and fueled the European religious wars of past centuries as well as every Jihadi’s fervor.  This conflict is about power and hate – in particular, the power to hurt those you hate.

The New Republican Party hates women.  Allow me to rephrase that – it hates independent, educated, thinking women who work outside of the home. Let’s call them modern women. And the reason why they hate these women is because their social, intellectual, economic and sexual independence violates a myopic interpretation of antiquated religious doctrine that has nothing to do with the central message that Jesus came to us to teach.

The New Republican Party is waging a war on modern women, and they have corrupted Jesus to do it.  They want to force women out of the job market, out of public life, out of graduate school and back into the four walls of the male dominated homes where ancient Semitic women were imprisoned and enslaved.

The revolutionary message central to Jesus’ teachings – and the reason the political system of his day murdered him – is charity, freedom and love.  This American crusade against women is about selfishness, control and hate.

And, to get the power to hurt the women they hate, these American Taliban have taken over and corrupted the GOP.  They support insurance coverage for Viagra to foster men having sex, but they are dead-set against insurance coverage for contraception or the use of tax dollars to pay for an abortion.

And who pays the ultimate price for this draconian scheme?  Women.  Like a male chimpanzee, a man has recreational sex and then walks away.  The women pays the price for that mutual decision by having no choice but to carry that embryo to term and then raise that child by herself.  She cannot work. She cannot go to school. She cannot participate in any meaningful way in the political process.  She is back where she belongs.

And what is the New Republican Party’s solution to this horrible conundrum?  Just ask Rick Santorum. He will tell you with absolute certainty that his solution is not just correct, but pleases God.  His solution is, essentially, to outlaw sex for any other purpose than procreation.  If Santorum, and the millions of right wing Americans who support him, get their way, the power of government can and should be used to make sure that every single time two people have sex they had better be prepared to have a child, and if they don’t want a baby, then they simply better not have any sex.

This is only one example of what the New Republican Party wants to do to America.  They want to use the power of government to force each and every one of us to live lives no different than the Puritan’s lived in Salem back in the 1600’s.  They pick and choose among the ideals of our Founding Fathers, agreeing with the freedom to bear arms but disagreeing with the separation of church and state.  They want our every day lives, what we do in the privacy of our own homes, to be regulated, to be dominated, by their perverted view of Christian values.

They are masters at self-deception and outright lying.  They try to minimize what they are doing by calling it “social issues.”  When the world found out that the Virginia legislature – dominated by right wing religious fanatics – was passing a bill that would force every woman who wants an abortion to first get a big stick shoved up their vaginas, the outcry was so powerful that those responsible for that repulsive law scurried around like the cockroaches that they are and revised the law.  And the governor of Virginia expressed his disappointment that Virginia’s consideration of a “social issue” would get such a negative reaction.

One person’s social issue is another person’s freedom.  By legislating social issues, the New Republican party is trying to take away everyone else’s freedoms.

Our founding fathers were personally aware of the wreckage the European religious wars caused.  For thirty years, what is now Germany was the battlefield for protestant armies fighting catholic armies. Thirty years.  Our founders decided to spare the people of the new nation they were creating that same pain.  To do it, they manufactured, for the first time in world history, a nation where people could worship God any way they wanted, so long as that worship didn’t mix with political power.

But that separation of church and state our founders created no longer exists.  Santorum – who could actually be elected our next president – actually states publically that there should be no separation of church and state.

The result is going to be the very war the Founding Fathers sought to avoid.  But what the hell. As Tom Petty sang, everybody’s had to fight to be free.

I am prepared to fight to keep these people out of my bedroom and out of my wife’s vagina.  What are you prepared to do?

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THE DOW JONES TANGO

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Over the last few weeks I’ve been watching the Dow Jones Industrial Average playing with the 13000 point barrier.  It is like a weird flirtation.  The total gets close, and then pulls back. It shoots up just over the line, and then drops back under.  And this is what I see and hear in the back of my mind as I watch this macro economic dance – two lovers, in the dark, approaching climax….

INVESTORS:  I want to shoot this thing up to 14000!  15000!  Yeah, baby, yeah! Give me all you got!

DJIA: No! No! We can’t!

INVESTORS:  Why?  Why not?  I am just ready to explode, baby, you got me so hot to invest! I want to pour all of my money into you, every last coin!

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DJIA:  No, we can’t!  We just can’t! We have to wait!

INVESTORS:  Why wait?? The time is right!  The economy is improving, the housing market is coming back, unemployment is at a four year low! Consumer confidence is surging!

DJIA:  Surging???

INVESTORS:  Surging, I say! It is time to crank this thing up to 11!!

DJIA:  13!

INVESTORS:  Yeah, baby, yeah! 13! 14! 15! The Sky’s the limit! There is so much pent up demand! So much money tied up in savings accounts struggling to get out! It has to get out! Out!!!

DJIA: I know!  I know!  I want it too! But we can’t!!

INVESTORS:  In the name of Adam Smith, why? Why can’t we do this??

DJIA:  Because if we do, Barak Obama will get reelected!!!

INVESTORS:  Just stop thinking about Obama!  Think of money!!! Lots and lots of money!!!!

DJIA:  Yes!  Oh, yes!

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INVESTORS:  Come on, baby, take us over the top!  Let me push you past 13000!!!

DJIA:  I want to, but I just can’t stop thinking about Obama!

INVESTORS:  Damn it!

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Rick Santorum says: “GAY MARRIAGE WILL LEAD TO BESTIALITY”

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WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – A peek into the past

We live in a amazing place in time and space.  Never before in the history of the world has so much esoteric information been literally at our fingertips.  For most humans there is little value in an instant – almost godlike – ability to access information.  But for people like me – who see the entire purpose of existence as a desperate devotion, an inevitably futile lifelong quest to intellectually and emotionally grasp the absurd – living in the Information Age provides a spiritual high every time we go online.

Which brings me to my new favorite website, List of the Day.  Check out great-olan-mills-photos.html  for a taste of what is offered.  On this one page someone went through the significant trouble of collecting together stock photos from some of the photography studios that proliferated in the United States during the 1970′s.  Here is a small sample of what is offered:

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These photos were displayed as advertisement for a photo studio’s photographic services.  My, my, my, how times have changed.

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INTERVIEW WITH RICK SANTORUM

In this frankly fictitious interview, former senator Rick Santorum – the near winner of the recent Iowa Republican Caucus and candidate for President of the United States – discusses his views on birth control, gay marriage, the non existence of Palestinians and why it was an outrage for President Obama to take any credit for killing Osama bin Laden.

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Rick Santorum

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Senator Santorum, you base your platform on what you call traditional family values, and that includes opposition to any kind of sex outside of marriage.

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Correcting his campaign poster to remove the word "freedom."

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RICK SANTORUM:  That is correct. If I were president, I would criminalize all sex with anyone but your spouse.

POE:  But haven’t our courts recognized the right to consensual sex between adults whether they are married or not?

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SANTORUM:  I don’t know of any court that has said that. But let’s say its true. If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does.

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POE:  You are also against all forms of birth control.

SANTORUM:  Yes. If I am elected president I will outlaw contraception. And I believe that any doctor that performs an abortion, I would advocate that any doctor that performs an abortion, should be criminally charged for doing so. Contraception is not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. Sex is supposed to be within marriage. It’s supposed to be for purposes that are yes, conjugal but also procreative. Sex within marriage is the only way that a sexual union should happen. And when I say marriage I mean good old American red blooded heterosexual marrige.

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Rick Santorum and his extremely unhappy family.

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POE:  You seem obsessed with homosexuals. Why is that?

SANTORUM:  I wouldn’t say I am obsessed with homosexuals but I will say that I spend most of my time thinking about them and trying to stop our society from recognizing homosexuality as anything other than an abomination forbidden by God.

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POE: So your opposition to homosexuality is religious?

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SANTORUM:  It starts with my faith but it doesn’t end there. There are lots of reasons to oppose homosexuality. First of all, they’re in close quarters, they live with people, they obviously shower with people. The argument that people are born homosexuals, like black people are born black, is a lie. There are people who were gay and lived the gay lifestyle and aren’t gay anymore, like Marcus Bachmann.

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Successfully choosing not to be gay.

SANTORUM: That isn’t the case for anyone that’s black. It’s a behavioral issue as opposed to a color of the skin issue.

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POE:  But you deny hating gay people.

SANTORUM: You can say I’m a hater. But I would argue I’m a lover. I’m a lover of traditional families and of the right of children to have a mother and father.

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POE: So you love traditional families.

SANTORUM:  That’s right.

POE:  And what is a traditional family?

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SANTORUM:  A traditional family is the kind of family God describes in the Bible – a father as the head of the family married to a submissive woman who cooks for him, cleans the home and bears his children.

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POE:  Okay, you love that kind of family. But that means you must hate other kinds of families.

SANTORUM:  There are no other kinds of families.  All other groupings are not families.

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Not a family.

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Not a family.

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Not a family.

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Not a family.

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SANTORUM:  I would argue that the future of America hangs in the balance, because the future of the family hangs in the balance. Isn’t that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending the sanctity of marriage?

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POE:  You are unabashedly against gay marriage and have said that, in the battle against gay marriage, it is a hill you will die on.

SANTORUM:  Gay marriage threatens my marriage. It threatens all marriages. It threatens the traditional values of this country.

POE:  You recently said in New Hampshire to a group of college students that marriage isn’t an inalienable right, that it is a privilege granted by society.

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SANTORUM: And I also said marriage is a right that society grants because it provides society with benefits.

POE:  Okay, so what you are arguing is that heterosexual marriage gives society benefits, so it is good and should be allowed, but gay marriage doesn’t give benefits, so it should be prohibited?

SANTORUM:  That’s absolutely correct.

POE: So what are the benefits that marriage gives society that gay marriage does not?

SANTORUM: Children.

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POE:  You don’t need to be married to have children.

SANTORUM:  Yes you do.  And if I am elected President, I will imprison all single mothers.  They all vote democrat anyway because the democrats give them money.

POE:  Are you thirsty? Hungry?

SANTORUM:  I’m a bit thirsty.

POE:  Okay, drink this.

SANTORUM:  Oh Jesus, I thank thee for the beverage this godless sodomite has given me to slake my thirst so that I may proclaim the wickedness of homosexuals and prevent our children from even learning that homosexuals exist so that they don’t ever get the idea and decide to turn gay.

POE:  You just referred to me as a “godless sodomite.” You think I’m gay?

SANTORUM:  Yes. You are clearly a liberal defender of sodomites who hates America and Christendom.

POE:  And you’ve come to this conclusion how?

SANTORUM:  You have a beard.

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POE:  So all people with beards are gay atheists who hate America?

SANTORUM:  Yes.

POE:  We are getting away from the interview, but I really think I need to point out that I am not gay, I’ve been married for over 22 years, have a son, and am a baptized member of the Greek Orthodox Church.

SANTORUM:  But you have a beard.

POE:  My priest has a beard.

SANTORUM:  Then he’s gay, too.

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POE:  And a liberal atheist who hates America?

SANTORUM:  Yes.

POE:  Because he has a beard.

SANTORUM:  Yes.

POE:  Moving on – oh, how was the mineral water I gave you?

SANTORUM:  Very refreshing. Praise Jesus.

POE:  I’m glad Jesus provided it.  Anyway, you also said recently that prohibiting gay marriage isn’t discrimination it is only discrimination to deny rights and marriage is a privilege and not a right.

SANTORUM: That is absolutely true.  The only rights any American has are those clearly described in the Constitution.

POE:  What about the right of privacy?

SANTORUM:  Privacy is not mentioned in the Constitution, so no one has the right of privacy.

POE:  So the police can tap our phones and read our mail without violating our rights?

SANTORUM:  Yes. Only those with something to hide have something to fear from being watched by the authorities. 

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SANTORUM: Do you have something to hide?

POE:  No, but I want to be able to scratch my testicles without the police watching me do it.

SANTORUM:  It is against the Laws of God to scratch your testicles.

POE:  You’ve never scratched your testicles?

SANTORUM:  No. Never.

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POE:  They certainly must itch.

SANTORUM:  They do.  Every blessed minute of the day.  Every second of the night.  But suffering is a good thing.

POE:  Yes, I’ve read where you use that to support your argument that the Government shouldn’t try to help poor people.

SANTORUM:  That’s right.  It doesn’t matter if someone is suffering.  Suffering is part of the human condition. Suffering is nature. And it is a punishment from God.  God punishes the wicked and makes them suffer.  Poor people are being punished by God for being lazy.

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A bread line during the Great Depression (1937)

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POE: How are you feeling?

SANTORUM:  Fine.

POE: You don’t look fine.  You look all clammy and you seem to be holding your stomach.

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POE: I’m fine. Please get on with the interview.

POE:  Okay.  So, according to you, marriage isn’t mentioned in the constitution, so it isn’t a right, so it isn’t discriminatory to let heterosexuals marry while forbidding gay people to marry.

SANTORUM:  Yes.

POE: What about civil rights?  Are civil rights found in the Constitution?

SANTORUM:  There are no “civil” rights.  The Constitution only recognizes criminal rights, so there are no civil rights.

POE:  Ah. So the “rights” recognized by the Civil Rights Act are really privileges.

SANTORUM:  Exactly.

POE: And, because they aren’t rights, it isn’t discriminatory grant some people those privileges while denying them to others.

SANTORUM:  Yes. Exactly.

POE:  So let’s say it is a privilege to be able to go into a diner and order a cup of coffee.

SANTORUM:  Yes, that isn’t right. It is a privilege.

POE:  So it is okay for the owner of a diner to choose not to serve homosexuals?

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SANTORUM:  Yes.  That’s his right.  Can we take a break?  I really need to use the bathroom.

POE:  Not quite yet. What about black people?  Is it discriminatory for the owner of the diner to refuse service to black people and serve only white people?

SANTORUM:  No.  Discrimination only happens when someone is denied a right. Being served isn’t a right because it isn’t included in the constitution. It is a privilege. So denying service to someone based on their race, or gender, or sexual orientation, or place of national origin, or whatever, isn’t discrimination.

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POE:  And you want to be President.

SANTORUM:  Yes, God willing.

POE:  Okay, moving on…. You’ve also said that there are no Palestinians.

SANTORUM:  That’s right. There aren’t any.

POE:  What about all those people who identify themselves as Palestinians?

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SANTORUM:  It doesn’t matter what they call themselves. They live in Israel so they are Israeli.  Palestinians are a myth.

POE:  Are there any other myths you want to talk about?

SANTORUM:  Yes.  Global climate change is a myth.

POE:  Why do you say that?

SANTORUM:  Because I refuse to believe it.

POE:  Like the existence of the Palestinian people?

SANTORUM:  Yes. Exactly.

POE:  So if you don’t believe in something, it doesn’t exist?

SANTORUM:  Yes. Life revolves around faith, and faith is belief. I don’t believe that  man-made CO2 is responsible for climate change. I don’t believe there are any Palestinians. I don’t believe in the theory of evolution. And I don’t believe that anyone is born homosexual.  So none of those things are true or exist. And I don’t believe the Crusades happened.

POE:  Do you mean the Crusades in the middle ages when European kings raised armies to invade Palestine to retake Jerusalem from Muslims?

SANTORUM: The idea that the Crusades and the fight of Christendom against Islam is somehow an aggression on our part is absolutely anti-historical.  Are we almost done here?  I really have to go.

POE:  We’re almost finished.  You also argue that President Obama deserves no credit for the killing of Osama bin Laden.

SANTORUM:  Obama didn’t do it. He ordered other people to do it. Obama didn’t do the hard work. The people he’s going after did the hard work. And that is an outrage.

POE:  So you are saying that people who make decisions and give instructions don’t deserve credit for the result?

SANTORUM:  I really have to go.

POE:  Actually, by my clock you have a few hours before the explosive diarrhea kicks in.

SANTORUM: What are you talking about?

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POE:  That mineral water you drank was laced with a chemical that causes stomach cramps followed a few hours later by explosive diarrhea.

SANTORUM:  You did this?

POE:  Don’t blame me. Remember, you thanked Jesus for that mineral water.

SANTORUM:  I need a doctor.

POE:  Suffering is a good thing, remember?

SANTORUM:  What are you doing?

POE:  Relax, big boy. I’m reaching into your pocket to take your wallet. Nothing more.

SANTORUM: You’re looking through my wallet!

POE:  Why not?  There is not right to privacy, remember?  Hey! What’s this I’ve found?

SANTORUM:  I can explain!

POE:  I thought you were against contraception.

SANTORUM:  It’s been there since high school!

POE:  Looks new to me.

SANTORUM:  Please stop!

POE: No. You certainly have a lot of photos in your wallet. Who is this guy in the cowboy hat and chaps?

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SANTORUM:  No one!

POE: I would like to thank Rick Santorum for being our guest today, and would like to remind everyone that he came within eight votes of winning the Iowa Republican Caucus, which means a whole lot of people agree with everything he said in this interview.  To all my fellow American citizens, I wish you the best of luck. To all my foreign friends, please pray for us, but please do not pray to the God Santorum worships.

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SOURCES:

http://www.ontopmag.com/article.6

http://www.addictinginfo.org/2012/01/05/31-rick-santorum-quotes/

http://online.wsj.com/article/wsj

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rick_Santorum

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WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Goths in Trees

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I don’t have the words to go beyond what you will see and read when you click on the following link:

http://gothsuptrees.tumblr.com/ 

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A Grim Fairy Tale – BOXING DAY

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a true story?

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BOXING DAY

Once upon a time there was a young woman named Jennifer. Jennifer lived in a place known far and wide as the City of Angels, which Jennifer liked because she considered herself a Born Again Christian, and living in a city of angels was fine by her.

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Jennifer lived with a man named Robert.  They met in church and were married a year later.  The day after their first Christmas together, she found Robert’s secret briefcase hidden in the apartment bedroom closet.

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The briefcase was large, hard shelled and had a combination lock with three numbers on rotating dials set side by side.  It was very heavy. She shook it gently, but didn’t notice any peculiar movement. She had no idea what was in it.

She tried to open it (of course), but it was locked and she could not open it. That is when she realized the brief case belonged to Robert, because she would have remembered buying something that could lock.  

She put the briefcase back where she found it and walked away.

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But the next day she was in the closet again looking at the secret briefcase. She looked closely and noticed that the numbers on the combination had changed. She didn’t know how she knew, but she knew. She memorized the number combination showing – 0-8-7 – and placed the briefcase back in the closet.

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A week later, she checked and saw that the numbers had changed to 4-2-7. This meant that at least twice in as many weeks, Robert had opened the lock, gone into the briefcase, and jumbled the numbers when he relocked it.  So Jennifer began to check the briefcase every day. Every day she tried to open it, just in case Robert forgot to jumble the numbers to set the lock.

One day the briefcase opened.

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Inside, Jennifer found a pair of musty, sweaty boxing gloves, a stack of magazines and some video cassettes. Tucked into one of the organizer pockets inside the briefcase, Jennifer found a bunch of letters from men addressed to Robert at his office.

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Jennifer read the letters and looked through the magazines. She even watched one of the videos. The magazines and videos showed men – and sometimes women – boxing and wrestling.

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Jennifer learned from the letters that Robert would regularly go to the Olympic Gym near Downtown L.A., rent a boxing ring, and box with strange men—rarely the same man twice.

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The Olympic Auditorium then.

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They’d punch and pound and smack each other and then afterwards they would perform unnatural, sinful acts upon themselves as the other watched.  The letters would end with promises that the writer would inflict great bodily harm upon Robert the next time they met at the gym.

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Naturally Jennifer confronted Robert about her awful discovery. She let him come home to find her sitting on their bed with the briefcase open, reading his letters.

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Robert admitted everything—the boxing and the unspeakable, sinful acts. He admitted that he lied to Jennifer – that when he said he was working on weekends he was really meeting strange men at the Olympic Gym.

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Robert admitted lying about playing rugby as a subterfuge to explain the injuries he sustained boxing.

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That night Jennifer slept at her friend’s house and the next day she moved her things out of the apartment she shared with Robert.  She resolved that her marriage with Robert was over because lying, Jennifer knew, is a sin. 

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The Olympic Auditorium now.

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My Bananahead Nightmare (continued)

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Apparently, some of you out there misconstrue my prior post’s serious nature.  I really am not kidding.  There is something about people putting bananas on their head that creeps me out. Big time.

I felt the GIF of Freddy Mercury fondling a bunch of bananas on his head would be horrifying enough. But it wasn’t.  So I am forced to show you the true extent of this sick perversion.

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HEADLINE – Lady Gaga Terrifies Baby

Lady Gaga holds up crying baby after yelling "boo!" and shaking the infant.

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MUNCIE – For the third time in two days, pop star Lady Gaga has frightened a small child.

“So I like to scare kids. So what?” Gaga said on Wednesday.  ”Everyone has their peccadillos.  Mine happens to be frightening children,” the singer added.

“I hate the little bastards,” Gaga concluded.

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Source:  http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20546230,00.html

Michele Bachmann vis-a-vis Charles Manson (a fair and balanced examination)

In my last entry, I argued that Newsweek did not try to make Tea Party favorite presidential candidate Michele Bachmann look “crazy” by featuring a certain photograph of Ms. Bachmann on the latest Newsweek cover.

I attempted to support my argument by showing other, much less flattering photographs of Ms. Bachmann that most definitely make her look crazy.

The point I was trying to make was that, if Newsweek really wanted to make Michele Bachmann look crazy, they could have and would have easilly used a less flattering photograph of her.

A number of you commented that Bachmann’s eyes remind you of notorious serial killer Charlie Manson.

I don’t think that is true, but, in the spirit of fairness, I will let you judge for yourself.  Michele Bachmann’s eyes look like this:

Whereas Charlie Manson’s eyes look like this:

As you can see, any similarity is entirely superficial.

BOEHNER POINTS THE FINGER

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HEADLINE – Man says blood bank rejected him as donor for “appearing” gay

MUNCIE (AP) – A man who volunteered to donate blood was turned away because he “appeared gay.”

“I can’t believe this is happening,” said Marcus Bachmann, who was rejected as a blood donor because Red Cross workers thought he is a homosexual. “Homosexuality is an abomination,” Bachmann said. “I have a fabulous wife and have four fabulous children.  How can I be gay?”

“Look,” said Debbie Hempstead, the Red Cross worker who asked Bachmann not to donate blood. “The guy is totally gay. Just spend a minute talking with him and it will be obvious to you. I don’t know who he is trying to fool.”

Bachmann is a fundamentalist Christian and operates a clinic that treats homosexuality like a disease and offers faith-based cures.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/17/aaron-pace-gay-blood_n_901057.html

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A Grim Fairy Tale – THE NOVICE

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?

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THE NOVICE

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Once upon a time in a city carved out of the Central American jungles,  a novice priest of the Feathered Serpent sat on a stone bench in the High Priest’s ante chamber, waiting for the High Priest to finish with a sacrifice.

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The novice rehearsed in his mind what he was going to say to the High Priest. Suddenly, the door opened, and the usher – resplendent in his brightly feathered robes – came out and beckoned the novice into the audience chamber. The High Priest was standing at the window, looking down at the bustling metropolis.

“Praise the Feathered Serpent,” the novice intoned.

The High Priest looked away from the window and barely acknowledged the salutation.

“Please sit down,” the High Priest said. He gestured to a stone bench by the wall. Both novice and High Priest sat down together.

“How long have you been a novice here at the temple?” the High Priest asked.

“Two years, Excellency.”

“Two years. I talked to the faculty about you. They tell me that you are a good student. Hard working and spiritually gifted.”

“Thank you, Excellency.”

“So what went wrong out there today?”

The novice expected the question, but not the bluntness of its delivery. He swallowed hard before answering.

“I have no excuse, Excellency.”

“I’m not looking for excuses. I want an explanation. You’ve been here two years. You’ve probably assisted in hundreds of sacrifices. Today was your first unassisted solo. So what went wrong?”

“I really don’t know, sir. Everything was going fine. I recited the prayer, made the first incision and reached into the prisoner’s chest cavity. I felt the Feathered Serpent watching over and guiding me, I swear. I’m sure the crowd felt it too. I found myself holding the beating heart up high, showing it to the crowd. It was glorious.”

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“And then…” The High Priest prompted.

“And then the heart just slipped out of my hand and went flying. I think it hit someone in the head.”

The novice sat silent in his shame and disgrace. But then, to his utter amazement and relief, the High Priest laughed.

“You know,” the High Priest said. “many in the crowd hope that the priest performing the sacrifice will slip up.”

“You really think so?”

“It’s human nature. Heck, its cheap entertainment. The peasants even wager on it.”

“They do?”

“Yes. We tried to stop it once, but we gave up. I’m sure the betting was rather heavy on your first solo.”

“And I am thoroughly ashamed -”

“Don’t be. It happens to the best of us. I know.”

“To you?” the novice asked.

“No, but it happened to my great and noble predecessor.”

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“Really?”

“Sure. I was there. The old coot hadn’t performed a sacrifice for over ten years, you know, being busy with administrative duties. But it was the Feast of the Flatulent Twins and he decided to do it himself. I’ll never forget it. There he was – on the sacrificial platform at the top of the pyramid – he made the cut, reached into the chest cavity, pulled out the heart, and lifted it up – still beating – to show it to the crowd below on the steps. And then, pop! It shot out his hand and up into the air. You never saw an old man move so fast. He tried to catch it with his other hand, but that heart shot into the air again. This went on for about five grabs when he finally missed and the heart plopped onto the steps in front of him. Talk about embarrassing.”

“It’s hard to believe.”

“Believe it. But the next day it was forgotten, and my old master served as high priest for another ten years, and even performed – successfully – a sacrifice or two. And that’s my point. Don’t let this little mistake shake your confidence. When you fall off of a llama what do you do? You get right back up on that llama and ride it!”

“Yes sir!”

“You have potential, young man. You might even have my job one day.”

“Oh, no, I’m not -”

“Sure you are. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. Anyway. There’s an opening for tonight’s sacrifice. Interested?”

“Yes, of course!”

“That’s the spirit.”

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But it happened again. The Novice slipped at the evening sacrifice and the heart went flying.And the novice was banished from the priesthood forever.

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You Gotta Love L.A. – UPDATE

A few days ago I posted this photo (sent to me by my good friend, Joseph) to illustrate the bizarre, delightful, dada quality that so typifies Los Angeles:

I charted it out. I made a seven day – 24 hour AM/PM calendar and blocked out all of the days and times described in each sign, many of them overlapping.

The result can be seen below. The hours you cannot park on that street are the ones that are not blacked out.

Click on the chart for a larger version that is easier to read.

I hope this clarifies the situation.

I love LA. Angelenos are required to think in multiple dimensions.

Sort of like what happens when you try to get around via automobile in Central Paris, France.

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HEADLINE- Rep. Chris Lee resigns after reports of Craigslist flirtation

MUNCIE, Indiana - Rep. Chris Lee of New York abruptly resigned after a gossip Web site reported that the married Republican had allegedly sent flirtatious e-mail messages and a shirtless photo of himself to a woman he met online.

“In February of 2011 Representative Chris Lee was found to have been posting personal ads on Craigslist looking for women and lying about his age and marriage after e-mails and risque photos he sent to a woman were uncovered.”

“The liberal media is at it again,” said Shirley Blond-Bigbreast, Fox News anchor and GOP apologist.

“The real story here is that this latest incident is proof that the Republican Party is making progress solving right wing sex scandals,” Blond-Bigbreast said.  ”Sure, Chris Lee solicited multiple strangers on the internet for sex and lied to them about his age and marital status, but least he isn’t gay.”

Sources:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/09/AR2011020906912.html

http://gawker.com/#!5756377/craigslist-congressman-resigns

Filed Under: Republicans, Congress, Repressed homosexuality among conservatives

Tagged: chris lee, chris lee craigslist, chris lee resignation, chris lee shirtless, chris lee trying to look buff to impress what he clearly hopes is a stupid woman