YES, BUT WHAT DO THEY HAVE TO SAY?

The medium is the message.

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“The cows are all liars!!” yelled Farmer Brown when he heard the news.

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HEADLINE – POLAR BEAR SCIENTIST CLEARED OF MISCONDUCT

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The relationship was determined to be consensual.

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HEADLINE – STUDY SHOWS ORGANIC FOOD NO HEALTHIER THAN NON-ORGANIC

(Reuters Health) – Organic produce and meat typically isn’t any better for you than conventional varieties when it comes to vitamin and nutrient content, according to a new study from Stanford University sponsored by corporations supporting chemical companies.

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Where food comes from.

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“I knew that there or-ganic stuff was a lie,” said Skip Henderson, a morbidly obese registered Republican welfare recipient without health insurance suffering from type 2 diabetes. “It don’t say nothin’ about no or-ganic food in the consitution or the bible,” Henderson added before devouring a triple patty extra cheese cheeseburger topped with bacon, ham and onion rings (described with approval in Leviticus).

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Skip Henderson and his little friend.

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“You can pay more for ‘organic’ food at some hippy farmers market, but why do that when it costs less to buy chemically enhanced food at your local supermarket that, due to the magic of preservatives, won’t spoil for years and years and years?” said Dr. Ernst Henderson, a spokesman for Cargil, a corporate food giant that co-sponsored the Stanford Study.

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Ernst Henderson

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“Organic food is a fraud,” said Henry Henderson, Junior Vice President of Goldman Sachs, an international investment firm with strong ties to the chemical industry that also co-sponsored the Stanford Study. “The study we paid for concluded that there is nothing wrong with eating foods rich in pesticides, preservatives, manufactured sugars, fats and other chemical additives that have been linked to cancer, obesity, diabetes, an increase in infant mortality and a decrease in life expectancy.”

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Henry Henderson

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“But here is the important thing to remember,” Henderson added.  ”The studies that concluded the chemicals our clients produce and sell at obscene profits, these studies weren’t paid for by the chemical industry or corporations with chemical industry ties, so those studies were unfair, anti-American and probably socialist.”

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Anti-American Socialists.

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“Let’s face it,” said Karen Henderson, a spokesperson for the Monsanto Corporation, “people who buy organic food and don’t buy industrially processed foods rich in chemical bonus materials, these people hate capitalism.” Henderson said.

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Pretending to engage in open market commerce.

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Skip Henderson agreed. “The liberal commies won’t let folks buy super large servings of soda!  What happened to freedom?  I say it is my right as an American to eat whatever I want as often as I want and as much as I want even if it is bad for me.  You can’t make me eat any commie organic food!”

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EXCLUSIVE!! INTERVIEW WITH SCHRODINGER’S CAT

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Thank you for agreeing to speak with us.

SCHRODINGER’S CAT:  My pleasure Paul.  I’m a big fan of your blog.
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POE:  Thank you. Let’s get right to it: you are  Erwin Schrödinger‘s cat, correct?

CAT:  Yes, I belong to that mother fucker.

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Erwin Schrödinger – total mother fucker.

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POE:  I beg your pardon?

CAT:  You heard me.  A total mother fucker.  Do you know about his famous experiment?

POE:  In broad terms, yes, but not in detail.

CAT:  Well, let me tell you all about it.  That asshole Erwin came up with this experiment to prove something or other dealing with quantum theory.  Are you following me?

POE:  I’m following you.

CAT:  Okay, well, in this experiment, he puts me in a box that contains a deadly poison, the poison is released and supposedly the person looking at the box can’t tell if I am alive or dead.

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POE:  He tried this?

CAT:  Yeah.

POE:  So what happened?

CAT:  What happened is I busted the hell out of that fucking box!  Screw the experiment.

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NEXT – INTERVIEW WITH PAVLOV’S DOG

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HEADLINE – NASA DEVELOPING MENU FOR MARS MISSION

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NASA recently revealed for the first time that NASA is working on a menu for a mission to Mars (the “Red Planet”) envisioned for “sometime in the 2030′s.”

NASA’s Director of Space Food Science, Reginald Quince, agreed to discuss this exciting news with PEOPLE OF EARTH.

Reginald Quince

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Director Quince, thank you for agreeing to speak with us today to discuss this new Mars menu that NASA recently announced.

REGINALD QUINCE:  No, thank you for the opportunity to let the world know about the amazing work we are doing to make sure that the first people on Mars have the very best food available to celebrate their great achievement.

POE:  I don’t want to misrepresent the reach of this forum. My blog is somewhat exclusively read.

QUINCE:  How exclusive?

POE:  If this interview is read at all, it will be read primarily by people in Australia, New Zealand and isolated rural parts of the Orkney Islands.

QUINCE:  I was under the impression that your blog communicated to all of the people of earth.

POE:  Theoretically yes, but in practice, unfortunately not.

QUINCE: Well…. I’m here, we might as well talk.

POE:  Thank you.

QUINCE: Better than nothing.

POE:  Well let’s get right to it.  Tell me more about this menu NASA has announced.

QUINCE:  My pleasure, Paul.  After months and months of meetings and reading endless positions papers, it was finally decided that it will be a tasting menu.

POE:  Tasting menu?

QUINCE:  Yes!  NASA has worked diligently to create the finest, most flavorful dishes made from the best ingredients from around the world paired with the perfect wines!

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POE:  Aren’t you putting the cart before the horse?

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QUINCE:  If by that you mean have we put the cart of culinary excellence before the horse of gastronomical delight, then yes, that is what we did, what we are doing and what we are striving to achieve!!

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POE:  Let me approach this problem from a different direction.  Before you start spending money to plan what astronauts on Mars will be eating, don’t you think you first have to figure out how to get there and how to pay for it?

[At that point, Director Quince left our recording studios and would not return our calls.]

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“PUT THAT BACK! YOU KNOW WE CAN’T AFFORD NO TANG!

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MOVING ON WITH NO REGRETS

Two events prompt this blog entry:

The first event is my need to travel to France – not to teach as I have done every year since 2005, but to withdraw my Euros from my Credit Lyonnais bank account, close the account (which I must do personally) and fly home.  These Euros were deposited into that account by the University of Poitiers  to compensate me for serving as an adjunct professor of law at University.

[I used this account to transact all of my business in Europe. Why pay the cost of converting Dollars to Euros?]

The second event involves an interesting and very unusual pattern of sudden Internet activity.  Since May 24^th someone has been feverishly searching for websites using the following search terms:

Paul Nicholas Boylan Poitiers

“Paul Nicholas Boylan” Poitiers

Most, if not all, of these search attempts lead the person investigating me here,5here,/here,, heref(page 16),  here,/here,/here1and here.y

I cannot, of course, be 100% sure why there is this sudden interest in my professorship, but I have a fairly good idea.  On May 24th I filed and served a motion for an award of attorney’s fees and costs in Mecum v. City of Lindsay,Tulare County Superior Court Case No. 11-243461. In that case, I represented Steven Mecum, a guy who is concerned that the City of Lindsay - a small town in Central California where Steven lives - is spending public money improperly. 

In summary, here is what happened:  Steven asked for access to records dealing with areas of City spending he wanted to examine.  The City gave him some of these records, but not all of them. So he sued to get what was being withheld.

Ordinarily, these sorts of disputes get resolved very, very fast. Usually, opposing counsel work together and come to an agreement as to what can be released and what should remain confidential.  The reason for this cooperation is because the California Public Records Act (CPRA) is a “fee shifting” statute.  The CPRA states that, if a judge orders a governmental agency to turn over records or information the agency is withholding, then the agency must pay the petitioner’s attorney’s fees and costs.

So an agency faces a bigger and bigger potential liability for fees and costs the longer a dispute lasts, and it is this risk that prompts most agencies to work to resolve CPRA disputes as fast as possible.

That didn’t happen in Mecum v. City of Lindsay.  The City, through its attorney, deployed what is known as ae“scorched-earth”/defense strategy, which means the City refused to so much as discuss an amicable resolution and fought tooth and nail to win.

So instead of a fast resolution, this case was a long, slow slog ending in a hearing where the trial judge ordered the City to turn over documents and information to the petitioner, Steven Mecum. And this meant that the City must pay me what I would have charged Steven if I were billing him on an hourly basis.

As these things go, the arguments are fairly straight forward:  Steven asked for records; the City said no; Steven sued to get them; the Court agreed with Steven and ordered the City to give Steven more records; this makes Steven the prevailing party; and Steven now asks the Court to pay his fees and costs to me.

So what does all of this have to do with my professorship?  Everything.  In addition to my “base fee” (hours multiplied by my hourly rate) I am asking for what is known as a “multiplier.”  As the Memorandum shows,  although the Court has no discretion to deny the motion, under some circumstances, the Court has the discretion to increase the fee award by multiplying the base fee by whatever number the Court feels is just.  One of the factors justifying a multiplier is harsh litigation tactics that caused the case to be needlessly complex, time consuming and expensive.

That’s what happened here.  Defense counsel was very, very aggressive – so aggressive that I was forced to choose between teaching in France and staying home just in case defense counsel attempted to manipulate my unavailability against my client.

Here is what happened:  I notified defense counsel that I would be unavailable during the entire month of March 2012 because I was scheduled to teach in France during that time.  Knowing this, defense counsel arranged for a briefing schedule that would require me to respond to her arguments against my client’s petition while I was away from my office in France teaching.  I decided to withdraw from my teaching commitment that year and stay home to be ready for whatever happened in the case rather than be far away and less able to respond to actions opposing counsel might take knowing I was overseas and less able to respond.

It turned out to be a good idea.  Although I had arrangements for opposing counsel to serve papers on me via email, she nevertheless served her Opposition Brief on me via ordinary mail service, which meant that if I was teaching  I would not have received that brief until I returned from France, which would have provide me only a few days to respond.

But because I stayed home (and didn’t tell her) my client’s position wasn’t disadvantaged by my absence and I was able to draft one of the best Reply Briefs I’ve ever drafted in a CPRA case and, because of it, the Court agreed with Steven’s position and ordered the City to give  him access to what amounted to approximately 7,100 pages of records.

But staying home also meant I lost my professorship. And I told this to the Court as part of my argument justifying application of a multiplier, hopefully increasing the eventual fee award.

And this is why someone is frantically investigating my teaching history. Someone is looking for anything that might contradict my story, throw question on my claims, and hopefully minimize my client’s claim for fees and costs.

It isn’t going to work, but they are welcomed to try. 

I am very sad.  I loved teaching those kids, and the University provided me with students from all over the world. I had a chance to influence future policy makers. I had the chance to make a real difference.

I don’t blame the University. And, even though I cherished my teaching position, I have few regrets.  When confronted with a choice between my duties as an attorney and my desires to travel and teach, I chose my client over my personal desires. I did what I had to do to best serve the interests of my client.  That’s my job as an attorney. 

And what the hell, really?  I can still call myself “professor” and I am now free to seek out a position with another university if I really want to do that.

But I sure will miss those kids.  So bright.  So eager to learn what little I had to teach.

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Au revoir, mes amis. Tu vas me manquer.

Now it is time to go to France and close out my bank account, certainly before the Euro drops any further in relation to its value compared to the US dollar.

And to you out there researching my history – take your time; do it right; find out exactly who I am and what I can do.  What you find will not reassure you.

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HEADLINE – Birth Control Pills Recalled

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“We are really embarrassed about this,” said Pfizer spokesperson, Buffy Hendrickson. “It was a really knuckle-head move to sell birth control pills that don’t prevent pregnancy,” Hendrickson confessed.

“It is sort of like selling an umbrella that isn’t water proof,”  Hendrickson admitted.

“But let’s look at the bright side.  Even though these pills won’t prevent pregnancy, the upside is that the children of women who used this medication will be born with a full head of hair and set of adult teeth,”  Hendrickson said.

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HEADLINE – Russia Elevates Warning About U.S. Missile Defense Shield Plan

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MOSCOW — Russia will deploy its own missiles if the United States moves forward with its plans for a missile-defense system in Europe, President Dmitri A. Medvedev warned on Wednesday.

“If you set up a system designed to shoot down missiles, we will target our missiles at those bases,” Mr. Medvedev said.

“We realize your system will shoot down our missiles, but that’s all we’ve got,” Medvedev added.

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HEADLINE – Binge drinking impairs memory in women

They won't remember a thing.

MUNCIE – A study of the affects of alcohol on women concludes that the more the average woman drinks the less she will remember the events leading up to the drinking and those events that occur shortly after becoming drunk.

“Isn’t that the point of plying women with alcohol?” asks Chip Henderson, President of the Alpha Comma Moe fraternity in Chico, California.

The study was financed by the Richard Wood Johnson Foundation and published in the Journal of Things Everyone Knows, which can be found at http://www.duh.edu.

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SOURSE:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-14154404

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HEADLINE – Tall, obese men at higher risk for blood clots

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Finally, some good news for short, obese men.

Source: http://tall-obese-clots-20110429

HEADLINE – FDA claims no need to test Pacific fish for radioactivity

FDA spokesperson Vinny Slimp

WASHINGTON D.C. – North Pacific fish are so unlikely to be contaminated by radioactive material from the crippled nuclear plant in Japan that there’s no reason to test them, state and federal officials said this week.

“I personally smelled a fish that came out of the Pacific that looked like it could have been Japanese and could detect no radiation whatsoever,” said FDA spokesperson Vinny Slimp. The Food and Drug Administration has oversight of the nation’s food supplies.

“Based on the work they’re doing, no sampling or monitoring of our fish is necessary,” Slimp said. “We also consulted with a really good psychic that works for the North Pacific Fish Foundation who told us to tell everyone to eat all the Pacific fish they want and that no testing is necessary.”  The North Pacific Fish Foundation is an advocacy and lobbying group that represents the sea food industry and works closely with the FDA to provide guidance on sea food safety regulations. 

“Fish is good for you even if it is radioactive,” said Rocko Vincenchi, Associate Director of the Food Safety Advisory Board. “Like the chemicals in drinking water from plastic bottles and dyes in foods, there is nothing bad, per se, about radiation.  We got radiation everywhere. You walk outside and you get hit with radiation from the sun. That’s right, from the sun. Solar energy and radiation are the same thing.  Besides, fish got all that healthy fish oil in them, so the more radiated fish you eat the more you will be protected from radiation in the fish!” Vincenchi said, then quickly added “but I’m not saying there is any radiation in any fish. The FDA says there is no need for testing so that means there ain’t no radiation,  right?”

Rocko Vincenchi

The Food Safety Advisory Board is an advocacy/lobbying organization supported financially by the food industry and is dedicated to repealing food safety regulations.

Source:

http://www.thenewstribune.com/2011/04/16/1629400/fda-claims-no-need-to-test-pacific.html#ixzz1JnSXmTVC

HEADLINE – Japan vows to review nuclear safety standards

In response to charges of criminal regulatory negligence that resulted in the clearly apparent failure to build and maintain safe nuclear reactors, the Japanese government vowed to review Japan’s nuclear safety standards.

“We will review them, if we can find them,” promised Ken Fujikuma, Head of the Japanese Nuclear Industry Regulatory Commission and Late Night Drinking Games.

Fujikuma also pledged to “look into” the wisdom of running while holding scissors and playing Russian Roulette with fully loaded hand guns.

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110329/ap_on_bi_ge/as_japan_earthquake;_ylt=AqGOpu9PvKLz0Dh77MPCoIys0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTFoOGJ1Ymw0BHBvcwMyNwRzZWMDYWNjb3JkaW9uX3RvcF9zdG9yaWVzBHNsawNqYXBhbnZvd3N0b3I-

Declaration of Sentiments and Resolutions – and Ray Gun Girls

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By now you know I kind of dig Space Chicks.

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In addition to writing substantively on the historical, sociological and geopolitical aspects of Space Chicks, my purely scholarly passion led me to become the worlds leading authority on subject.

Professor Boylan presenting a paper on Space Chicks at the University of Johannesburg, South Africa, in 2006

When I first determined the importance of Space Chicks as a pop culture phenomenon,  I soon observed that there is an important Space Chick subset that is best described as “Ray Gun Girls.”  Simply put, a Ray Gun Girl is a girl often, but not always, wearing a space suit in close proximity to a ray gun, often, but not always holding the ray gun.

Like Space Chicks in general, Ray Gun Girls first appeared on the cover of pulp magazines.

And when Space Chicks migrated from pulp novel covers to film and television, Ray Gun Girls began showing up there, too.

In all honesty, most Ray Gun Girl images are fetish driven manifestations of arrested male adolescent wish fulfillment, amounting to little more than soft core pornography.

However, as the years went by science fiction matured, and Space Chick images began to include strong, capable women who were fully realized heroic figures as complex and detailed as any male hero. As this happened, the images of Ray Gun Girls also evolved into something more serious and less sexist.

To me, the entire phenomenon is really quite fascinating. I don’t have the time or inclination to explore in this blog why there is such a driving interest to depict women holding ray guns.  The psycho-sexual implications alone would fill more space than I have to work with here. However, it is worth noting that the Ray Gun Girl concept is distancing itself from sex object utility and is increasingly being seen as a sign of feminist empowerment.

I’m taking the time here to provide you with the opportunity to judge for yourself.  Below is a gallery of Ray Gun Girl drawings and photos representing only what I was able to download in a few minutes before I gave up and went on to more serious business.  Nevertheless, this incomplete sample is the most comprehensive collection of Ray Gun Girl pics anywhere on or off the internet.

I present them in the order my computer imposed due to file title.

[If you don't see any gallery below, then you need to go back up to the top and click on the link entitled something like "The Ultimate Ray Gun Girl Gallery."

I take no responsibility for any offense that may result from anyone accessing and scrutinizing any of the photos in that gallery.]

HEADLINE – Surgeon General calls for more breastfeeding

X-Men star, Rebecca Romijn

MUNCIE – US Surgeon General Regina Benjamin issued a statement Thursday advocating mothers breast-feed their children.

“I want to see more breasts out there,” Benjamin said. “I want to see them in supermarkets. I want to see them in movie theaters. I want to see them at fast food restaurants.  Wherever I look, I want to see nothing but breasts,” Benjamin concluded.

“I couldn’t agree more,” said Ted, some guy walking past on his way to nowhere important.

Ted

Source: http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE70J4U220110120

“I WISH IS COULD TALK IN TECHNICOLOR…”

 

I just watched a video of an ordinary 1950′s housewife take LSD.   Here is what she looked like:

Here is the link:

 

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/author-discovers-footage-of-50s-housewife-in-lsd-experiment;_ylt=Ap4VOiwZ343Im4WbTM5_Q9.s0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTVkOGlzZ3VjBGFzc2V0A3libG9nX3RoZWxvb2tvdXQvMjAxMTAxMTgvYXV0aG9yLWRpc2NvdmVycy1mb290YWdlLW9mLTUwcy1ob3VzZXdpZmUtaW4tbHNkLWV4cGVyaW1lbnQEY2NvZGUDbW9zdHBvcHVsYXIEY3BvcwM5BHBvcwM2BHB0A2hvbWVfY29rZQRzZWMDeW5faGVhZGxpbmVfbGlzdARzbGsDZm9vdGFnZW9mNTBz

 

I’m not sure what to say.

HEADLINE – Toxic Waste Bars Have Hazardous Levels Of Lead, Recalled

LOS ANGELES –  Candy bars called “Toxic Waste Chew Bars” have been recalled because a sample lot was found to have high levels of lead – 0.24 parts per million, as opposed to the FDA tolerance of 0.1ppm.

“We clearly labeled those candy bars as Toxic Waste,” said Vinnie Slimp, Vice President of Marketing for Circle City Marketing and Distributors, producers of Toxic Waste Chew Bars.

Vinnie Slimp

“It states quite clearly on the wrapper that the ingredients include three kinds of lead, arsenic, dioxin, chromium 6, spent nuclear fuel and there is also a clear warning that the candy may contain traces of tree or ground nuts,” Slimp said.

“It isn’t our fault when someone ignores these clear warnings and actually eats that stuff,” Slimp concluded.

Circle City Marketing and Distributors  is also recalling  ”Deadly Poison Gum Drops” which they also produce and market.

Both Toxic Waste Chew Bars and Deadly Poison Gum Drops are manufactured in China.

Source: http://www.ecoworld.com/agriculture/toxic-candy-bars-recalled-for-lead-content.html

HEADLINE – FRITO-LAY ISSUES DORITOS WARNING

ST LOUIS – The Frito-Lay corporation is warning the public not to eat the new Doritos variety Extra Spicy Nacho Cheese Extreme.

“Look, I said to stay away from those things,” said Eric Paulson, Frito-Lay Vice President, hurrying out of his office with a box stuffed with personal belongings. “It’s not my fault. I didn’t know this would happen. No one could have known,” Paulson said as he ran off.

In response to Frito-Lay’s warning, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) posted the following advisory on the FEMA website:

“Close and lock or barricade all doors and windows.  Close all blinds and/or window coverings.  Turn off all lights.  Move everyone as far from potential threat areas as possible.  Take cover behind heavy furnishings or structures. Stay down.  Do not open doors unless instructed to do so by FEMA or positively identified public safety personnel.

If possible, shut off building ventilation systems. If it is safe to do so, provide first aid and appropriate care for the injured or ill person.  Whenever possible, if blood, vomit, or other bodily fluids are present, avoid contact with these and use appropriate Personal Protective Equipment (gloves, mask, etc.).  Do not move seriously injured people unless movement is necessary to protect them from immediate, life-threatening danger.  Consider the possibility that injured persons may have been contaminated and take appropriate precautionary measures.”

“We will survive this,” said said Janette Hemply, Acting Frito-Lay Board President from an undisclosed location. “We will rebuild.”

“It’s in the trees!  It’s coming!” yelled an unidentified person behind Hemply.

Source:

http://www.walletpop.com/blog/2010/06/15/fake-doritos-coupon-warning-from-frito-lay/

WEBSITE/VIDEO OF THE WEEK (Must See)

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This vid shows off a website that allows you to write a script for two animated  characters who speak your dialogue in electronic voices.

I can’t wait to try it.

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Headline – CAT GETS NEW HIGH TECH FEET

LONDON (Ass.Press) – A cat which lost both back paws after a traumatic accidentinvolving a combine harvester has regained a spring in its step after being fitted with state-of-the-art bionic prosthetic limbs, costing millions of dollars to develop and surgically install to the cat’s back stumps.

Meanwhile, the world economy is on the brink of collapse, the ecosystem of the earth’s oceans is about to crash and global climate change is happening at a faster rate than scientists ever anticipated, threatening untold millions with starvation as changing weather patterns disrupt expected rainfalls causing global crop failures to an extent never before experienced in human history.

“Yeah, but science can help a cat walk again. At least we have that,” said Dr. Stanley Putzdorf, the head of Distracting Studies at the Sam Houston Institute of Technology.

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HEADLINE – TESTICLE FESTIVAL HUGE SUCCESTICLE

Photographer: Karen Combs 2010

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OLEAN, MO. – The Olean Festival Commission has declared this year’s Testicle Festival to be most successful testicle festival in the 17 years that Olean has hosted a testicle festival. “Attendance this year broke all prior attendance records,” said Gunther Haas, the primary organizer of this year’s Testicle Festival. “People traveled from as far away as Henley to participate in the testicle themed festivities.”

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Good, clean testicle related fun.

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In addition to the many testicle related food items being offered, this year’s Testicle Festival featured a Testicle Festival Parade, a Testicle Festival Pancake Breakfast, with testicle shaped pancakes and free testicle shaped balloons for the kids, and a testicle eating contest.

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A number of testicle-themed rides and educational exhibits also contributed to this year’s Testicle Festival’s unprecedented success.

“We got a roller-coaster called the Testicle Express that is sure to give a thrill,” said Travis Jode, Honorary Mayor of Olean’s 17^th Annual Testicle Festival. “And for the kids we have a giant testicle you can walk through and learn all about testicles.”

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But the one thing that sets this year’s Testicle Festival apart from all other testicle festivals was the variety of testicles offered for consumption.

“Bull testicles are great,” said Sue Ellen Plavin, this year’s Testicle Queen.

“But you can get bull testicles at any testicle festival.  That’s where we’re different.  At the Olean Testicle Festival you can enjoy all sorts of testicles ranging from goat and sheep and pig and turkey to more exotic testes like squirrel, possum and frog, which I can tell you are simply delicious.  And I hear tell that somewhere around here you can score some kangaroo balls,” Plavin said and smiled. “I bet you can’t get kangaroo ‘nads at the Russelville Testicle Festival. No siree bob.”

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Good, clean testicle related fun.

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I WANT YOU TO PICK MY NEW AVATAR PHOTO

I’ve decided I need a new avatar photo.  This is the one I’ve been using:

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This is really a great photograph.  It is utterly cool in every way an avatar photo can be cool. But, despite how cool it is, no one has ever commented on it – which means no one gets it.

So it is time for Rotwang from Fritz Lang’s Metropolis to go,  but I don’t want to exert the effort of deciding which photo should be my new avatar, which means you get to pick.

I’ve narrowed the field down a bit.  My finalists are numbered below. Whichever pic gets the most votes will be my new avatar.

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HEADLINE – Argentina forces dirty war orphans to provide DNA

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Ulan Bator – The Argentine legislature has enacted a controversial bill requiring all war orphans residing in Argentina to provide DNA samples – but only if they are “filthy.”

“Just look at those dirty, filthy war orphans,” said Juan Hepilmeyer, Argentine Minister of Public Hygiene. “The Argentine government has finally decided to do something about the problem of dirty war orphans, and the first step is to collect their DNA,” Hepilmeyer said.

“I don’t care what the law says,” said Ricci Polinski, a hygienically-challenged war orphan who wanders the streets of Buenos Aries. “They won’t get of my DNA,” said a defiant Polinski as he picked his nose and wiped his finger on his shirt.

Hepilmeyer said that the new law authorizes the use of the Argentine Army to enforce the new regulations.

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Source: http://www.stltoday.com/argentina-forces-dirty-war-orphans-to-provide-dna/

HEADLINE – Scientists find clue to killer of Tasmanian devils

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By RHAPPEE KANASTA, Ass.Press Zoology Writer – 2 hrs 51 mins ago

HOBART – Fierce as they are, Tasmanian devils can’t beat another marspial, unknown until recently, that top-flight Tasmanian scientists are tentatively calling Tasmanian Jesus.

Since 1996, the numbers of Tasmanian devils have plummeted by 70 percent. Last spring, Australia listed the devils — made famous by their Looney Tunes cartoon namesake Taz — as an endangered species.

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An international research team – lead by leading Tasmanian “scientists” – discovered the devils were being driven off by another animal wandering the Tasmanian outback doing good deeds and squeaking a message of peace and goodwill to the other Tasmanian animals.

“It’s awful to think there could be no devils here in 50 years because of Tasmanian Jesus,” said lead researcher Shelia Murchison of the Tasmanian University of Tasmania.

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Dr. Shelia Murchison

The devils, known for powerful jaws, fierce screeches and voracious consumption of prey, are the world’s largest marsupial carnivores. But they are no match for the supernatural goodness of Tasmanian Jesus, Murchison said by phone from Tasmania.

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The map of Tasmania, in all its glory.

“To solve this problem we are asking the government to arrest Tasmanian Jesus and execute the vile creature after a show trial,” Murchison concluded.

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REMEMBERING THE 2000 COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE, PART 2

In Part One of this series, we encountered “Hello, Meteor!” – a commercial the Discovery Channel  (TDS) made during the 2000 commercial actors strike.  ”Hello, Meteor!” garnered critical and commercial acclaim.  This success encouraged TDS on to assign more of their non-actor office to star in other commercials, including the now classic “Hello, Mosquito!” shown below.

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HEADLINE – SCIENTISTS PROVE GOD EXISTS

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By Rhapee Kanasta (Ass.Press)

CHICAGO - People with Alzheimer’s disease are less apt to get cancer and people with cancer are less apt to get Alzheimer’s disease, new research confirms.

“Discovering the links between these two conditions is absolute proof that God exists and that He has a sick sense of humor,” Dr. Catherine M. Roe of Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis, noted in a written statement from the American Academy of Neurology. “I mean, come on, the irony of Alzheimers protecting against cancer, and cancer protecting against Alzheimers is so mind-bogglingly awful that it cannot be a coincidence, and that means it is proof of Divine intervention in human affairs,” Roe concluded before jumping in front of a subway train.

“Since the dawn of civilization, philosophers have suspected that the sum of creation is one big joke,” said Father Timothy Murphy, Director of Religious studies at Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland. “Discovering that cancer prevents Alzheimer’s and that suffering from Alzheimer’s means you won’t die of cancer sort of confirms that suspicion,” Murphy said just after robbing a bank and kidnapping three women at gunpoint.

In future studies, “we would like to examine if God intentionally designed men and women to reach their sexual peak at different stages of life, thereby all but guaranteeing relational problems,” said Dr. Krista Schnursten, Senior Fellow at the National Academy of Ironic Studies.  ”In time we hope to confirm that God is, indeed, a sadistic bastard. It sure would explain a lot,” Schnurstein said.

Source:  http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory?id=9411725

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REMEMBERING THE 2000 SAG COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE

If you are anything like me, then every so often – when the winter wind blows clean and fresh from the north – you are overcome by nolstagia for the halcyon days of the 2000 Screen Actors Guild Commercial Actors Strike.

Ah, those halcyon days! – when men selling things on television had to do without actors because actors who acted in television commercials wanted more money for their labor, but the major studios wouldn’t give them more money.  And so they went on strike.

Commercials got made and were broadcast without professional acting, and sometimes the results were simply wonderful.

The Discovery Channel used accounting and technical employees to act in a series of commercials that have since become legend, the first of which I feature below.

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AHHH!!!   THE ATMOSPHERE!!!!  AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

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WHAT AMERICANS SOUND LIKE

As I’ve often mentioned (purely as a matter of pretense), I often lecture to non American audiences. With minor exception I lecture in English.

The noted internet social analysis and general media maven, Joseph Bleckman, sent me this link that shows what non English speakers hear when they hear Americans speaking.  It isn’t a very loving or kind parody, but it is pretty funny.

INSULTS FROM THE LAND DOWN UNDER

I have been flamed (but not defamed, as you will see).  Over at the the Blunt Instrument, one of my favorite blogs, a gentleman who goes by the name of Greybeard said:

Mr Boylan: you Sir, are a vulgarian and a snob.

 

Now, isn’t that the nicest way of calling someone a jerk you have ever seen?  It is beyond cool. The gentility and elegance of that insult lifts it beyond cool to the rarely achieved level of cugat (as in “that is soooo cugat, dude!”).

MISSING BABY FOUND

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Little Shannon Dedrick’s disappearance caught the world’s attention.

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7 month old Shannon Dedrick

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The world breathed a collective sigh of relief when, today, Shannon was found in a box under the bed of her baby sitter – who had apparently abducted the infant.

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I am glad the ordeal is over for Shannon’s parents, but someone has to point out that their child is an alien.

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That isn't drool.

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Little Shannon is clearly a human/alien hybrid.  I am the last person on this or any world to so much as imply that there is anything wrong with that.  At one time some stygma might have attached to parents who gave birth to an alien baby, but recent high profile celebrity adoptions have removed much of that stygma.

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As a consequence, caring for an alien baby has become quite fashionable.

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Shannon’s parents must realize that raising a human/alien hybrid is a challenging, but ultimately rewarding endeavor.

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Every child is a special gift from God.

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For example, Shannon’s remarkably large head indicates that she will be telepathic.

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Knows what you are thinking.

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Telepathic children are unusually challenging because they know when daddy says “no” that he really means “yes” and when mommy says “just wait until your father gets home!” mommy really doesn’t mean it.

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Nothing but trouble

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As an alien/human hybrid, little Shannon is likely to develop the skill to levitate.

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Extra care is required.

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Like telepathy, the ability to levitate will be a job skill that employers will appreciate, but in the beginning, the parent of an alien/human hybrid must exercise extra care, such as making sure windows are closed at all times.

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Not good.

So, we are all glad baby Shannon is back, but her parents need to pay attention to her special qualities.

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HALLOWEEN AT MY PLACE

Culturally speaking, the United States has contributed two things to the world – popular barbecue and Halloween.

Why not both at the same time?

By “popular” I mean widespread.  No people on earth have popularized cooking outdoors over live fire the way we Americans have. For a more serious discussion, please click here. l

Considered good eating in Perth.

By “Halloween” I mean an unabashed annual celebration of the spooky.

Other cultures celebrate death.  They do it in China. They do it in Mexico.  But those celebrations are essentially spiritual and/or religious.  But not Halloween.  Halloween has nothing to do with the spiritual. It has nothing to do with religion.  It has everything to do with fun.

Every year on October 31st – when the wall between the worlds is thinnest and most easily crossed – kids and adults dress up in costumes and, when it gets dark, they go door to door essentially begging for candy – which they receive in large, monstrous handfuls.

This completely non religious festival is becoming part of the international scene.  American style Halloween is now celebrated all over the world.

Halloween in Costa Rica

Halloween in Singapore

My favorite expression of this spread is Sandra’s haunted balcony in Hamburg, Germany.

It makes sense that the Germans in particular would embrace Halloween.

Admirable Teutonic exuberance.

But I digress.  I am here to tell you – to show you – what Halloween is like here in Northern California in the small town where I live.

For me Halloween began with a knock on my door early in the morning.  My neighbor and his son came by to ask is they could install a portal into a dimension of evil in my front yard.  My lawn was destroyed when my home was remodeled, so I figured, heck, when would there be a better time to have a portal into a dimension of evil installed in my front yard?

A hole was dug.

The device was installed.

While my neighbors tinkered with the field densities between the universes, a flock of wild turkeys strolled down my street foraging and decided to spend some time on a roof at the end of the block.

It was a good omen.

I decided to carve a pumpkin, but the pumpkin bin at my local market was somewhat bare with slim pickings left.

Nevertheless, I was able to find a reasonably decent pumpkin and was able to exercise the minimal artistic talent every American is born with and which is useful only for carving faces in pumpkins.

The dirt from the hole that housed the portal into the dimension of evil made a couple of fine impromptu graves.

All we had to do was wait for darkness and some unsuspecting Trick or Treaters.

Actual Trick or Treaters who came to my door.

I went out and bought candy to give away to the little boys and gouls who would come to my door that evening.

In addition to the usual treats, I included in my selection the very finest fake glow in the dark sour worms I could find.

The perfect Halloween treat.

And then it was time to get our collective freak on.

The device in my front yard worked nicely.  I had a switch inside the house that triggered the device whenever someone rang the door bell, causing much shouting and the occasional scream.

It was a most satisfying Halloween.  But I’m beginning to wonder if that portal is going to harm the value of my property.