Archive for the Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes Category

IS BROWN FACE AS OFFENSIVE AS BLACK FACE?

Posted in American Decline, amusant, Barry Goldwater, bilim adamları, buffo, Fashion Forward, gülen yüz, GOP, greannmhar, I am Shiva - the Destroyer of Worlds, 스타게이트유니버스, 재미, αστείος, ανόητο άτομα, kluchtig, lächerlich, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Pandering to the Latino Vote, Paying Attention, photograph, Photography, Politics, Pre Columbian Knock-Knock Jokes, Right Wing, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, totally creepy, Viva Mitt!!, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, بشار الاسد, خنده, خنده دار on September 20, 2012 by paulboylan

Mitt Romney recently appeared on Univision – a Spanish language television station – in an attempt to appeal to latino voters. hPeople noticed something differentsabout how Romney looked before the Univision appearance and during.  See if you notice any difference:

Romney on September 16, 2012:

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Romney on September 17, 2012:

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Romney on September 18, 2012:

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Romney on September 19, 2012, appearing on Univision:

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I think Romney was drawing inspiration from former Mexican President Vincente Fox.

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“Mi pene es este ancho.”

The person who convinced Romney to rock the soul patch has a lot to answer for.

A Grim Fairy Tale – BOXING DAY

Posted in And now the snorting starts, boxing day, Cowboys and Aliens, Crime and Punishment, космическая девушка, Fashion Forward, fetish, Grim Fairy Tales, Horrible Coincidences, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, 스타게이트유니버스, love, Missile Defense, ученые, photograph, Photography, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, rimshot wav download, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Scarlett Johansson, Small Town America, Sports, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, Totally Gay Mutual Defense Treaty Organizations, مقاطع‏ ‏سكس‏ ‏مصارعه, مصارعه, Wilhelm Reich, טילים on December 30, 2011 by paulboylan

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a true story?

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BOXING DAY

Once upon a time there was a young woman named Jennifer. Jennifer lived in a place known far and wide as the City of Angels, which Jennifer liked because she considered herself a Born Again Christian, and living in a city of angels was fine by her.

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Jennifer lived with a man named Robert.  They met in church and were married a year later.  The day after their first Christmas together, she found Robert’s secret briefcase hidden in the apartment bedroom closet.

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The briefcase was large, hard shelled and had a combination lock with three numbers on rotating dials set side by side.  It was very heavy. She shook it gently, but didn’t notice any peculiar movement. She had no idea what was in it.

She tried to open it (of course), but it was locked and she could not open it. That is when she realized the brief case belonged to Robert, because she would have remembered buying something that could lock.  

She put the briefcase back where she found it and walked away.

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But the next day she was in the closet again looking at the secret briefcase. She looked closely and noticed that the numbers on the combination had changed. She didn’t know how she knew, but she knew. She memorized the number combination showing – 0-8-7 – and placed the briefcase back in the closet.

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A week later, she checked and saw that the numbers had changed to 4-2-7. This meant that at least twice in as many weeks, Robert had opened the lock, gone into the briefcase, and jumbled the numbers when he relocked it.  So Jennifer began to check the briefcase every day. Every day she tried to open it, just in case Robert forgot to jumble the numbers to set the lock.

One day the briefcase opened.

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Inside, Jennifer found a pair of musty, sweaty boxing gloves, a stack of magazines and some video cassettes. Tucked into one of the organizer pockets inside the briefcase, Jennifer found a bunch of letters from men addressed to Robert at his office.

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Jennifer read the letters and looked through the magazines. She even watched one of the videos. The magazines and videos showed men – and sometimes women – boxing and wrestling.

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Jennifer learned from the letters that Robert would regularly go to the Olympic Gym near Downtown L.A., rent a boxing ring, and box with strange men—rarely the same man twice.

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The Olympic Auditorium then.

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They’d punch and pound and smack each other and then afterwards they would perform unnatural, sinful acts upon themselves as the other watched.  The letters would end with promises that the writer would inflict great bodily harm upon Robert the next time they met at the gym.

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Naturally Jennifer confronted Robert about her awful discovery. She let him come home to find her sitting on their bed with the briefcase open, reading his letters.

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Robert admitted everything—the boxing and the unspeakable, sinful acts. He admitted that he lied to Jennifer – that when he said he was working on weekends he was really meeting strange men at the Olympic Gym.

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Robert admitted lying about playing rugby as a subterfuge to explain the injuries he sustained boxing.

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That night Jennifer slept at her friend’s house and the next day she moved her things out of the apartment she shared with Robert.  She resolved that her marriage with Robert was over because lying, Jennifer knew, is a sin. 

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The Olympic Auditorium now.

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HEADLINE – Scarlett Johansson Opens Up about Divorce

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Isnt nature wonderful?, ανόητο άτομα, Mad Men, News, скарлетт йоханссон, ученые, Photography, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Scarlett Johansson, Scarlett Johansson naked, Science Fiction, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wilhelm Scream, Wilhelm Reich, טילים, سكارليت جوهانسون on October 16, 2011 by paulboylan

MUNCIE, Indiana – Actress Scarlett Johansson is finally opening up about her divorce from Ryan Reynolds, which was finalized this past June.

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In a candid interview with German magazine GALA, the usually tight-lipped star revealed what caused her marriage’s demise. “I can be overcritical. And I don’t compromise,” she said. “I pass judgment on people quite quickly. If I don’t agree with someone or if I’m annoyed I will tell people to their face — no matter how hurtful that might be.”

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“In other words, Ryan left her because she is a total bitch,” an anonymous source summarized.

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Ryan Reynolds had no comment. Friends say he is in seclusion and receiving counseling from Fisher Stevens.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/14/scarlett-johansson-divorce_n_1011485.html

BECAUSE YOU INSISTED

Posted in Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Humor, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Joseph Bleckman, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, What are you sick or something?, Wilhelm Reich on July 14, 2011 by paulboylan

CHICKS WITH DICKS

Jess McCann with Richard Branson

KC Concepcion with Richard Gutierrez

Dick and Liz Cheney

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HEADLINE – Gates rebukes European allies in farewell speech

Posted in Arab Spring, Brave New World, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Headline, Headlines, Humor, News, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Rage Against the Machine, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, ruthless dictator knock-knock jokes, Totally Gay Mutual Defense Treaty Organizations, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on June 10, 2011 by paulboylan

"I hate you most of all," Gates said.

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OSLO – In an unusually stinging speech, made on his valedictory visit to Europe before he retires at the end of the month, Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates rebuked some of America’s staunchest allies Friday, saying the United States “is sick and tired of all you cheese eating, beer swilling, butt pinching surrender monkeys.”

“It’s been real and it’s been fun,” Gates continued, “but it hasn’t been real fun. I personally am not going to miss any of you, especially the Germans. What is up with you Germans, cozying up to the Russians? You think you can trust them? Really?”

Gates heaped insults upon the stunned and mostly silent foreign dignitaries in the room – and he didn’t stop with Europe.

“And you Muslims, especially you Arab Muslims, snap out of it. This whole jihad thing is just sad. Do what you need to do to put a stop to it. Those few homicidal morons are making all of you look bad. And your “Arab Spring” is a joke. You can yell and scream all you want but it isn’t going to change anything. When push comes to shove, your dictatorial governments will crush you like bugs just as Syria has done and is doing.”

“And Africa,” Gates said. “I am so tired of you people.  Why can’t you just get along?”

“Screw you guys, I’m going home,” Gates concluded and abruptly left the building.


Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/story.html

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Website of the Week

Posted in Art, dada, Droit Moral, Internet Fun!, Pop Culture, Review, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, satire, Uncategorized, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on April 24, 2011 by paulboylan

If you’re feeling blue, a little down, check out  

http://www.wrongcards.com/

where you will find fake greeting cards like:

and

and

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You can read them or even send them to someone, and all for free.

What’s not to like?

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The Funniest Poster Ever

Posted in Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Humor, Internet Fun!, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, Nichola Tesla, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Rage Against the Machine, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wilhelm Scream, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags , , , , , , on April 22, 2011 by paulboylan

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Declaration of Sentiments and Resolutions – and Ray Gun Girls

Posted in 3D, Antique surgical instruments, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, dada, Droit de Suite, Droit Moral, космическая девушка, космическая девушка space girl, Fair Use, Family and Friends, Fire and Ice, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Fritz Lang, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, Nichola Tesla, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Review, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Science, Science Fiction, Space, Space Chicks, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stoats, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Tasmanian Devil, Tasmanian Jesus, Television, The Big Lebowski, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wilhelm Scream, TV, Uncategorized, USA! USA! USA!, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, Wilhelm Reich on March 11, 2011 by paulboylan


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By now you know I kind of dig Space Chicks.

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In addition to writing substantively on the historical, sociological and geopolitical aspects of Space Chicks, my purely scholarly passion led me to become the worlds leading authority on subject.

Professor Boylan presenting a paper on Space Chicks at the University of Johannesburg, South Africa, in 2006

When I first determined the importance of Space Chicks as a pop culture phenomenon,  I soon observed that there is an important Space Chick subset that is best described as “Ray Gun Girls.”  Simply put, a Ray Gun Girl is a girl often, but not always, wearing a space suit in close proximity to a ray gun, often, but not always holding the ray gun.

Like Space Chicks in general, Ray Gun Girls first appeared on the cover of pulp magazines.

And when Space Chicks migrated from pulp novel covers to film and television, Ray Gun Girls began showing up there, too.

In all honesty, most Ray Gun Girl images are fetish driven manifestations of arrested male adolescent wish fulfillment, amounting to little more than soft core pornography.

However, as the years went by science fiction matured, and Space Chick images began to include strong, capable women who were fully realized heroic figures as complex and detailed as any male hero. As this happened, the images of Ray Gun Girls also evolved into something more serious and less sexist.


To me, the entire phenomenon is really quite fascinating. I don’t have the time or inclination to explore in this blog why there is such a driving interest to depict women holding ray guns.  The psycho-sexual implications alone would fill more space than I have to work with here. However, it is worth noting that the Ray Gun Girl concept is distancing itself from sex object utility and is increasingly being seen as a sign of feminist empowerment.


I’m taking the time here to provide you with the opportunity to judge for yourself.  Below is a gallery of Ray Gun Girl drawings and photos representing only what I was able to download in a few minutes before I gave up and went on to more serious business.  Nevertheless, this incomplete sample is the most comprehensive collection of Ray Gun Girl pics anywhere on or off the internet.

I present them in the order my computer imposed due to file title.

[If you don't see any gallery below, then you need to go back up to the top and click on the link entitled something like "The Ultimate Ray Gun Girl Gallery."

I take no responsibility for any offense that may result from anyone accessing and scrutinizing any of the photos in that gallery.]

A FANTASY REALIZED

Posted in Antique surgical instruments, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), It's not what you think, morbidly obese gymnasts, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, Our animal friends, Photography, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Small Town America, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Tasmanian Devil, Tasmanian Jesus, The Wilhelm Scream, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on February 27, 2011 by paulboylan

Today I fulfilled a fantasy, and I just had to share it with y’all.

Every year, my wife throws an “Oscar party.”  If you know what that is, skip ahead in the story to where I go to the hardware store in my hit man outfit. If you don’t know what an Oscar party is, allow me to explain:

Every year the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences holds a gala event where they hand out awards for excellence in motion pictures arts and sciences.


The award is nicknamed the “Oscar.”  The United States is a movie culture (wrap your head around that one, if you can) and many, many Americans celebrate this pinnacle of commercialism and hold parties where groups of people watch the televised masturbatory splendor, eat, drink, make snide comments about the celebrities and hope that Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson or Gabrielle Union experience a spectacular wardrobe malfunction. Preferably all three simultaneously.

A Gabrielle Union impersonator

My lovely wife is one of these Oscarphiles, and every year we throw an Oscar party.

This year, as part of her party preparations, my wife purchased meat via the internet.  Not just any meat. When I opened the enormous box left at my front door and dug through the space age insulation, I found an enormous pork roast – so large that it won’t fit the largest roasting pan in existence, which we own and keep in the garage because it frightens small children and upsets our two cats when it is left unattended.

I can hear you saying “So what?  Just take a sharp knife and cut off a chunk so it will fit in the roasting pan.”

That is not an option – not with this roast.  There is bone running through it.  To cut off a chunk I need to cut through that bone, and I don’t have anything suited to do the cutting.


I called my local butcher, who declined my request to cut a chunk off of that big hunk of pork.  I offered to pay him. He still refused saying “We have a policy not to cut meat that wasn’t purchased from our store.”

Won't cut strange meat.

 

So my only option was to go to my local hardware store and buy a hacksaw and do it myself.

And that’s when I realized this was a rare opportunity to fulfill a fantasy.  Before I drove to Ace Hardware, I found and put on an old double breasted suit, a white tie and a pair of sunglasses.

 

I looked a lot like this.

 

I drove to the hardware store, walked in and approached the first employee I could find.

 

He looked a lot like this.

“Can I help you?”  the hardware store clerk inquired.

“Yeah. Sure. Maybe,” I said.  “See, I got this problem.  I need to cut through a large piece of bone.”

“Bone?” the clerk asked.

“Yeah, bone,” I replied, looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping.  “I never realized until very recently just how difficult it is to cut bone. My usual apparatus isn’t up to it,” I continued.  “You got any type of bone saw or something?”

“I – “

“You know, I figured a hacksaw would do, but if you got anything better, let me know.  I don’t mind paying for quality, if you know what I mean.”

Quality bone saws.

“I – I’m not sure we –“

“I bet you know what I mean. Know what I mean? Quality. Something I can hang onto just in case I need to cut through a couple of bones and I got a deadline and a car boot space problem, if you know what I mean. You do know what I mean, don’t you?”

By this point the nice gentleman was clearly upset and I was afraid he was going to run, so I laughed and told him I was kidding, and I told him the whole story about the huge piece of meat my wife bought on the internet and the bone I had to cut to reduce the size of the roast so it would fit my roasting pan.


And would you believe it? I ended up buying a genuine bone saw. They had one behind the counter in the back.


HEADLINE – European anarchists grow more violent, coordinated

Posted in Berne Convention, dada, Droit Moral, Fair Use, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Isnt nature wonderful?, Joseph Bleckman, News, Paying Attention, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on December 30, 2010 by paulboylan

ROME – A loosely linked movement of European anarchists who want to bring down state and financial institutions is becoming more violent and coordinated, security experts say.

“Anarchists have suddenly realized that they can be more effective using organizational methods borrowed from business and government,” says Herb Slovo, Director of World Empire Security Consultants.

“Coordinating with other anarchists just makes subverting the world economic tyrany so much easier,” says Jimmy X, self-described anarchist and unemployed dog groomer.

Jimmy X

“Conventions, discussion groups, ad hoc committees. Even rules of procedure for meetings. Newsletters. Schedule books. All of it. It really helps us get things done without all that bickering and confusion,” X says.

“We are actualising öur potential with blue sky thinking, exploring a different set of paradigms,” says Swedish Anarchist “Therbs” (not his real name).

Therbs

“We have our eye on the prize and will leverage our corporate knowledge assets to achieve our goals within a defined set of core strategic streams,” Therbs continues.  ”We’re cutting across the old silos which have held us back and moving forward we’re looking at a dynamic future with win-win scenarios coming into play.”


http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101228/ap_on_re_eu/eu_italy_embassy_blasts;_ylt=AqM8tkLxzmdTlw1S3trFdtqs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTFiMHNnZDNvBHBvcwM1MwRzZWMDYWNjb3JkaW9uX3dvcmxkBHNsawNldXJvcGVhbmFuYXI-

‘Tis the Season

Posted in American Decline, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Isnt nature wonderful?, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Pop Culture, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, The Matrix, Uncategorized, What are you sick or something? on December 15, 2010 by paulboylan

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Many Americans shop for Christmas gifts using catalogues. At this time of year, my home mail box is stuffed-full with catalogues and brochures trying to sell me everything and anything.

And I do mean anything.  Here is one my wife pointed out today:

I would never buy this item. Ever. But the catalogue producers think someone will rush to get theirs before they are all gone, and I bet they have thousands of units on hand to meet the expected demand for vodka shot glasses featuring the pictures of four Russian leaders – and not even the most interesting ones.  I might think twice if I saw an advert for vodka shot glasses featuring the faces of Czar Nicholas, Ivan the Terrible and Joseph Stalin. Now those are vodka shot glasses I can appreciate, and I don’t even like vodka, but I would be too frightened not to drink it. But the glasses offered just don’t create any impulse for me to part with my hard earned cash. The thought of drinking out of a Boris Yeltsin glass actually makes me slightly nauseous.

When  I review catalogues featuring Christmas shlok I also am always on the look-out for the inevitable attempt to sell something via an inappropriate visual mechanism.  And today I wasn’t disappointed.  In a different catalogue I found an add for an “Tickle Me Elmo Extreme.”

Everyone knows what Elmo is: it is a cute doll with an infantile personality. Most recently, the “Tickle Me Elmo” version was a huge commercial success.

That version giggled with you tickled it.  How very cute.

But what on earth could be “extreme” about Elmo?  Take a look at the advertisement and see if you can’t determine the audience it is targeting and the prurient interest it is seeking to exploit for monetary profit:

 


Apparently, the “tickle me” theme has taken an extreme and somewhat dark detour.

Extreme tickle, indeed.

WEBSITE OF THE WEEK: Nietzsche Family Circus

Posted in American Decline, Artists Rights, Barry Goldwater, Berne Convention, dada, Droit de Suite, Droit Moral, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Fair Use, Family and Friends, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Hapax Legomenon, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Men, Moral Rights, Op Ed, Our animal friends, Parody, Paying Attention, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, satire, Small Town America, Stoats, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wilhelm Scream, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on November 20, 2010 by paulboylan

I don’t know if this is taking place in any other part of the world, but here in the U.S. of A. virtually every newspaper has featured a daily cartoon entitled “the Family Circus.”  Here is an example:


I hate this cartoon strip.  Please note that I am using the word “hate” in reference to the Family Circus cartoon series.  First, it isn’t funny.  At most, it is merely cute, and cuteness doesn’t sustain any meaningful interest. Second, and more importantly,  the  Family Circus cartoon series represents – and works to reinforce and therefore perpetuate – just about every evil that slowly works to subvert American greatness.  The cartoon strip champions mediocrity.  It laughs at – and accepts – idiocy in thought, attitude and behavior.


The Nietzsche Family Circus pairs randomized Family Circus cartoons with randomized Friedrich Nietzsche quotes, and by doing so, not only is wonderful parody but brilliant and piercing satire, e.g. -

Man is something to be overcome. What have you done to overcome him?

And, from my very limited and idiosyncratic viewpoint, the random parings are also very dada, which, for me, provides added value and elevates the Nietzche Family Circus to art.



Please enjoy:


http://www.losanjealous.com/nfc/


And, as a bonus for my mate, Flinthart, here is a Family Circus cartoon quoting H.P. Lovecraft:



A Grim Fairy Tale: THE SOMBER TURKEY

Posted in Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Family and Friends, Fiction, Food, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Fritz Lang, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Humor, Isnt nature wonderful?, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Men, Our animal friends, Parody, Photography, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wilhelm Scream, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on November 14, 2010 by paulboylan

Most of you who visit here know that I am an attorney – and a happy one, content in my work and honored to be part of one of the Great Professions.

But before I shook the dust out of my brain and decided to make something of myself, I fancied myself a writer – or at least thought I would write professionally one day.

During that phase of my wasted youth I wrote a series of terrible and really inappropriate children’s stories I called Grim Fairy Tales.  They were told by Brother Grim, an old man who owned and operated a convenience store. One night a bad storm forced brother Grim and a small group of children to spend the night in Brother Grim’s store.  The lights and phone were out, so Brother Grim entertained them with stories told in the dark, while the wind and rain howled and rattled the windows.

Hello, children. I am Brother Grim. Would you like to hear a story?

What follows is one of those stories.  I post it every November as we North Americans get closer to our Thanksgiving feast – which invariably features a big roasted turkey.

It is that time of year again.  My friends, I give you…

The Somber Turkey

Once upon a time, outside of the Kingdom of Woodland, east of Winters, in the Land of California, there lived a happy turkey farmer named Hannigan.  He loved raising turkeys, killing them, and selling them – in part or in whole – to clients all over California – where turkey eating was a big thing, especially during Thanksgiving and Christmas.


On Hannigan’s turkey farm lived a happy turkey named Norman.  Norman was the happiest and most contented turkey the world had ever known because he was the biggest turkey anyone had ever seen.  Farmer Hannigan often brought other humans to marvel at Norman’s size and physical beauty.

“That’s gonna be some big turkey,” the human visitors would always say.

“Yep,” Farmer Hannigan would always reply.

Farmer Hannigan was happy, which made Norman happy. Norman was proud of the fact that he was so big and fat with lots of white meat, whatever that was.

The other turkeys knew how Norman felt, because he was always bragging about himself.

“I’m gonna be some big turkey!” he would say.

The other turkeys got fed up with Norman’s bragging.  One day Leonardo decided to do something about it.

Leonardo was not an especially big or happy turkey. Not being big didn’t make Leonardo unhappy.  He could give a rat’s ass about how big he was.  He didn’t buy into that neo-fascist farmcentric value system.  Leonardo was a fiery-eyed revolutionary with a strong interest in pragmatic Marxism.

Leonardo

“You are one fine, big turkey,” Leonardo said to Norman one day.

“Yes, I am,” Norman preened.

“You know what they’re going to do to you because you’re so big?” Leonardo asked.

“Admire me,” Norman said, meaning it.

“Sure they are.  They’re going to admire how good you taste,” Leonardo said.

“I beg your pardon?” Norman asked.

“They’re going to eat you, buddy.  In a couple of months they’re going to catch you, kill you, cut off your head, pull out all of your feathers and your internal organs, cook you and eat you, and they’re going to pick you first because you’re so big.  Lots of white meat.”

“Oh, my god!” Norman said.  “They’re going to eat me!”

Norman realizing the truth.

“You mean you didn’t know?”

“No!”

“Everyone else knows.  Why do you think that so many turkeys die while they’re drinking water?”

“Because they forget to breath?”

Leonardo laughed. “You believe that?  It’s a lie invented by the Man.  Have you ever forgotten to breath?”

“No.”

“Of course not. You got to be really stupid to forget to breath.”

“But we are pretty stupid.”

“No we’re not.  That’s just a lie to keep us down, to ruin our self esteem so we will be easy to exploit and so we won’t cause any trouble.  I’ll tell you why some turkeys die drinking water. Depression.  They’re depressed.  Why else do you think those other “stupid” things happen?  Why do you think some turkeys kill themselves by opening their throats in the rain and drowning?  Why do you think hens sit on their eggs so hard they break the eggs?”

“Oh my god, they’re killing their babies,” Norman said, in horror.

“Right.  They know what’s in store and they can’t take it. Would you want someone to eat your babies?”

“No,” Norman said.  “What can I do?” he asked, whispering in abject terror.

“Maybe I can get you out of here,” Leonardo said.  “On the outside there is an underground network of birds and humans who can take you to a place where you will be free.”

“Interested?”

“Of course!”

“Okay  I’ll see what I can do.”

Time went by.  Leonardo often spoke with Norman, teaching the bigger bird the truth about the world, teaching him hatred for the seemingly unbreakable power structure that doomed him and his race to be imprisoned, enslaved, slaughtered and devoured by killer apes.

“But remember,” Leonardo cautioned one night. “Not all humans are ravenous cannibals.  Some are good, and eat only plants and bugs.  These are the ones that help some of us get away.”

“How?” Leonardo asked in the star lit darkness.

“Every now and then there is a condition called Dark of the Moon, when there is no moon out and the darkness is as total as it can be.  During this time, a human jumps the fence and opens a big box. As many of us run in as we can.  We call it the Box of Freedom.”

“Just one box?”

“Yes, one box, but it is a big box, and it is better that some of us escape to keep the flames of hope burning.”

“I hope we both make it, brother,” Leonardo said.

“Me too, brother.  Me too.”

Then came the Dark of the Moon.  The turkeys were all quiet, making sure that there was no reason for Farmer Hannigan to investigate.

Suddenly the man with the box appeared.  He placed a big box on the ground and opened the side.

“This is it, brother!” Leonardo said, running.  Norman followed.

Leonardo made it into the box.  Norman didn’t get in before the man closed the box.

“Don’t worry, brother!” Leonardo cried from inside the box. “I’ll be waiting for you in paradise!”


But it didn’t happen.  The friendly human with the big box didn’t come back.  And Thanksgiving approached.  Leonardo was right – they came for Norman first.


Farmer Hannigan and his employees placed Norman in a big wooden crate built out of slats so that Norman could see and breathe.  Then Norman was carried to a truck, to an airport, into the belly of a jet, into another truck, and onto a large lawn next to a big white house.  Eventually, humans came to set up a lectern, chairs and cameras.  More humans came.  Some talked at the lectern in front of the crowd.

And then Norman’s cage was opened and gentle hands removed him from the crate.

“My god,” one human said.  “This had got to be the biggest turkey I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s why the President is getting it,” another human said, not trying to make a joke.

Norman was brought to the front of the crowd.  One human in a black suit made a short speech to another man, also standing in front of the crowd.  Humans in the audience took pictures with still and video cameras.


And then Norman did it.  He thrust out his neck and tried to bite the man who wasn’t giving the speech.  Norman knew that he just couldn’t go gently into that good night.

The man giving the speech reached out, grabbed Norman’s long neck and choked Norman.  Other humans helped stuff Norman back into the crate.

“That is one feisty bird,” the President quipped, and the reporters laughed.


In those days it was customary for the President to display generosity, and pardon the White House Thanksgiving turkey.  So Norman was taken to a farm in Virginia, where he lived for the rest of his natural days.

Leonardo was not so lucky. He ended up as dinner for the man with the big box, who was nothing more than a thief who just couldn’t get over how stupid those turkeys were and how they would be so quite and just waddle into the box, as if they wanted to be eaten.

Which was, from the thief’s point of view, always possible.  After all, turkeys are so stupid.



Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!


HEADLINE – FRITO-LAY ISSUES DORITOS WARNING

Posted in Art, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Food, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Fritz Lang, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Men, Mad Scientists, Moral Rights, music, News, Nichola Tesla, pandemic, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Television, The Big Lebowski, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, Wilhelm Reich on October 24, 2010 by paulboylan

ST LOUIS – The Frito-Lay corporation is warning the public not to eat the new Doritos variety Extra Spicy Nacho Cheese Extreme.

“Look, I said to stay away from those things,” said Eric Paulson, Frito-Lay Vice President, hurrying out of his office with a box stuffed with personal belongings. “It’s not my fault. I didn’t know this would happen. No one could have known,” Paulson said as he ran off.

In response to Frito-Lay’s warning, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) posted the following advisory on the FEMA website:

“Close and lock or barricade all doors and windows.  Close all blinds and/or window coverings.  Turn off all lights.  Move everyone as far from potential threat areas as possible.  Take cover behind heavy furnishings or structures. Stay down.  Do not open doors unless instructed to do so by FEMA or positively identified public safety personnel.

If possible, shut off building ventilation systems. If it is safe to do so, provide first aid and appropriate care for the injured or ill person.  Whenever possible, if blood, vomit, or other bodily fluids are present, avoid contact with these and use appropriate Personal Protective Equipment (gloves, mask, etc.).  Do not move seriously injured people unless movement is necessary to protect them from immediate, life-threatening danger.  Consider the possibility that injured persons may have been contaminated and take appropriate precautionary measures.”

“We will survive this,” said said Janette Hemply, Acting Frito-Lay Board President from an undisclosed location. “We will rebuild.”

“It’s in the trees!  It’s coming!” yelled an unidentified person behind Hemply.

Source:

http://www.walletpop.com/blog/2010/06/15/fake-doritos-coupon-warning-from-frito-lay/

FEAR OF THE UKNOWN

Posted in Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Joseph Bleckman, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Matrix, Uncategorized, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on September 23, 2010 by paulboylan

As I sat in my study ruminating on deep and important matters, my wife interrupted me to ask a question.

“You know the question,” she said to me. “It’s the question that drives us. It’s the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.”


My wife knows that I am powerfully attracted to her when she quotes Trinity from The Matrix.



But I digress.  After repeating dialogue from one of my favorite movies, she placed an item in front of me and asked “what does this mean?”


I am going to show you the object and ask you the same question. Here is the object:


What you are looking at is an exact reproduction of an information tag on a pillow my wife purchased.  The questions she asked – that I now ask you – is:

What the f**k does “ALL NEW MATERIALS consisting of TEXTILE FIBERS OF AN UNKNOWN KIND” mean?  Are the people who made this pillow actually saying they don’t know what is in this pillow?

Somebody must know what kind of textile fibers are stuffed into that pillow.



More importantly, why would there be a law that requires a manufacturer of pillow products to inform me that my pillow is filled with a substance that cannot be identified?  How is that supposed to protect – much less reassure -me?


Well, that’s it for me. Like Yobbo, I am out of here.

I am going to find my wife and listen to her as she explains that the Oracle told her she was going to fall in love with me, and then tell me with the very next breath she wants pizza – and I am going to try not to think about the unknown and likely unknowable.


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HEADLINE – Doctor dies in chimney

Posted in amusant, And now the snorting starts, Astronomy, おかしなふるまいの, अजीब, buffo, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Embarrassing Butt-Shots, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, health care, IN MEMORIAM, ανόητο άτομα stupid people, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, Life, News, neşeli, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, Space Chicks, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Weird Stuff, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on September 1, 2010 by paulboylan

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Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. – A doctor involved in an “on-again, off-again” relationship apparently tried to force her way into her boyfriend’s home by sliding down the chimney, police said Tuesday. Her decomposing body was found there three days later.

Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac, 49, first tried to get into the house with a shovel, then climbed a ladder to the roof last Wednesday night, removed the chimney cap and slid feet first down the flue, Bakersfield police Sgt. Mary DeGeare said.

It was a good plan, and might have worked, but Dr. Kotarac apparently forgot that, when she became a physician, she lost the powers of Santa Claus,” DeGeare said. “The same thing happens to lawyers, accountants and professional writers.”

Source:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100901/ap_on_re_us/us_woman_in_chimney;_ylt=AtbQBQyyKtOwWcjgF.pksXGs0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTFpZWZrdGI2BHBvcwMzOARzZWMDYWNjb3JkaW9uX21vc3RfcG9wdWxhcgRzbGsDY29wc2NhbGlmZG9j

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THE PARENT FILES: History Repeating itself (again)(sort of)

Posted in Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Hapax Legomenon, Joseph Bleckman, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, Wilhelm Reich on July 24, 2010 by paulboylan

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Some of you know a little about my past, in particular, how I graduated high school only because my math teacher, instead of failing me, was kind enough to give me a D, which allowed me to avoid repeating my senior year.  I suspect she was pressured by the school district superintendent to improve my final grade so that I would not return to high school.

Such pressure wasn’t personal – I wasn’t a behavioral problem. I was taught never to embarrass my family, which meant never getting caught, and I always made sure that any mischief for which I was responsible could be backed up with plausible deniability.

So it wasn’t personal. My teachers and their superiors hardly knew I was there.  But my illiteracy was a problem that could only be solved with time and distance.  There is a de facto practice in American k -12 education commonly referred to as “passing the trash’ – i.e., moving academic failures through and out of the system to make room for others who might do better, and upon whose coincidental achievement administrators could claim responsibility and point to as proof that they were doing a good job.

I was one of those who could not be used to ensure job security, so, as a purely pragmatic alternative, I was allowed to graduate high school.

But I did not go on to university. My guidance counselor, Dean Rothy, told me bluntly and often that I was not “college material.” There were probably hundreds in my senior class like me, and untold thousands over the years. Like me, they were unsuited for university because, like me, they could barely read and write and needed the fingers on both hands to accomplish simple math calculations.

My long-absent father appeared and offered me an alternative. He offered me the chance to accompany him as he drove from Amsterdam through Europe and the Middle East (he lived and worked in Saudi Arabia, and would pay for his trip by selling the car once he arrived back in Dhahran), to be left on the Jordanian/Israeli boarder to then make my way wherever I wanted for as long as I could afford to stay.

I jumped at the chance. I stayed seven month, primarily in Europe.

That alternative – the opportunity my father provided – was the first in a series of events that ultimately lead to community college where I learned how to read and write (math still escapes me), to university, to law school where I met my wife, to a home and family and now a son who has graduated high school and on his way to attend university in Montana.

Even before my son was born, I resolved to travel with my son, or daughter, as my father once traveled with me – even if for a shorter time.  I arranged such a trip, but my son could not go with me because of unforeseen and unplanned for pre-university examinations. So I cancelled his plane ticket and cut my trip short, returning when my lecture tour was finished.

Now, those exams are over. At the end of August my wife and I will be loading up our van with my son’s stuff and driving across the Rockies to move my son into his dorm room.

Which gives time in the middle to take my son to Europe.

It will be expensive, but what the hell? The cost of my regret for not doing it will be greater than the cost of the trip, which will, in time, be utterly forgotten.

So a few hours ago I booked the flights.  Like last time, we will arrive in Dublin, take a train to Galway, see some friends, travel back to Dublin, see some friends, then to London (to see some friends and visit with Jeremy Bentham) then the Eurostar to Paris and on to Caen to see some friends and to visit Omaha Beach – which will fulfill one of my son’s dreams.

Desire is destiny.

NEXT:  My awful experience with Travelocity trying to cut expenses by obtaining a credit for the tickets (my son’s round trip and my flight from Paris to San Francisco) to subsidize the cost of this new trip. To make a long story short, I gave up on the idea of a credit and booked our flights through Orbitz for half of what it would have cost me using my credit through Travelocity. I will never, ever use Travelocity to purchase anything.

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WEBSITE/VIDEO OF THE WEEK (Must See)

Posted in Avatar, Battlestar Galactica, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Hapax Legomenon, Internet Fun!, Mad Men, Nichola Tesla, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Science, Space Chicks, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, The Matrix, Uncategorized, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Website of the Week, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on July 20, 2010 by paulboylan

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This vid shows off a website that allows you to write a script for two animated  characters who speak your dialogue in electronic voices.

I can’t wait to try it.

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HEADLINE – US combat rifles embedded with Bible verses

Posted in Barry Goldwater, Evil Smiley Face, Fiction, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Hapax Legomenon, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Men, News, Op Ed, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Sports, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags on January 19, 2010 by paulboylan


REYKJAVIK – Combat rifle sights used by U.S. forces in Iraq and Afghanistan carry references to Bible verses, stoking concerns about whether the inscriptions break a government rule that bars proselytizing by American troops.


Military officials said the citations don’t violate the ban. One such inscription includes a reference to John 8:12: “When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.’”


“These inscriptions communicating Jesus’ message of peace and understanding do not violate the ban against proselytizing,” said Air Force spokesperson, Major John Blankenship.

 

Maj. John Blankenship

 

“There is no indication that any of our bullets have converted any of their targets to Christianity,” said Blankenship.


There is evidence, however, that bullets fired by guns with Bible verse inscriptions are convincing the Taliban and al Qaeda to change their ways.

Thinking it over.

“Right before Achmed was killed by an American sniper, he looked at me and said ‘I am suddenly compelled by logic, reason and spiritual insight to conclude that our leaders are completely wrong in their argument that the Americans are fighting a religious war against Islam and that their invasion is little different from the European invasions during the Crusades,’” said Aziz, a Taliban commander.

Aziz

“Achmed paused in deep though, and then continued, saying ‘perhaps this also means that we should reject Islam and consider accepting Jesus as our personal savior.’ Then Achmed’s head exploded.”

Achmed

“Nevertheless, Achmed’s points were well-made, thought provoking, and his logic impeccable,” Aziz concluded.

Mikey Weinstein, president of the Military Religious Freedom Foundation, said he has received complaints about the Scripture citations from active-duty and retired members of the military. Weinstein said he couldn’t identify them because they fear retaliation.


“We see nothing ironic whatsoever or in any way hypocritical, alarming or distasteful in inscribing weapons with Jesus quotes,” said General Jack T. Ripper from an undisclosed location.

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Sources: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8468981.stm

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REMEMBERING THE 2000 SAG COMMERCIAL ACTORS STRIKE

Posted in 3D, American Decline, Art, Artists Rights, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Berne Convention, Brave New World, Cinema, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Droit de Suite, Droit Moral, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Fair Use, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Fritz Lang, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Getting it Right, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, Mad Scientists, Moral Rights, morbid obesity, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, music, News, Nichola Tesla, Op Ed, Our animal friends, pandemic, Parody, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Racism in America, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, satire, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, South Korea, Space, Space Chicks, Sports, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stoats, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Tasmania, Tasmanian Devil, Tasmanian Jesus, Television, The Big Lebowski, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, TRIPs, TV, Uncategorized, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, West Korea, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, Wilhelm Reich on December 23, 2009 by paulboylan

If you are anything like me, then every so often – when the winter wind blows clean and fresh from the north – you are overcome by nolstagia for the halcyon days of the 2000 Screen Actors Guild Commercial Actors Strike.

Ah, those halcyon days! – when men selling things on television had to do without actors because actors who acted in television commercials wanted more money for their labor, but the major studios wouldn’t give them more money.  And so they went on strike.


Commercials got made and were broadcast without professional acting, and sometimes the results were simply wonderful.



The Discovery Channel used accounting and technical employees to act in a series of commercials that have since become legend, the first of which I feature below.

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AHHH!!!   THE ATMOSPHERE!!!!  AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

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DEEP THOUGHTS: UPON MY MORTALITY

Posted in Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Men, Nichola Tesla, pandemic, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Smiley Face, Space Chicks, Steampunk, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Tasmanian Devil, The Big Lebowski, The Wilhelm Scream, Travel, TRIPs, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, Wilhelm Reich on November 17, 2009 by paulboylan

As some of you may have noticed, this column has been missing from you local newspaper for the last few months.  Let me tell you why.

I’ve spent my time away trying to put my life in perspective.  I am at that age when the days ahead are fated to be fewer than the days behind.

It's a lot like this.

Younger men don’t worry about time running out.  Boys are always blind to their own mortality and, as a consequence, they rarely think ahead.  Deep down, young men just don’t believe they are ever going to die, and so they live from day to day, moment to moment. They drive fast, live fast, and – like my son – waste huge amounts of time playing video games instead of looking for a job.


But the older a man get, the more he begins to see the world differently.  He tends to begin slowing down when he drives because he knows how easy and suddenly it can all end.  And, more often than not, he begins leaving the turn signal on.

And even if he remembers to turn the turn signal off, he cannot help but realize his time on this earth is limited.  He begins to see himself as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, trapped in the Wicked Witch’s castle as the sands within the big hourglass slowly run out.

Okay, not exactly like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  Older men don’t see themselves as teenage girls.  Some may, but I truly believe that most do not.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with it.  If a guy wants to be a teenage girl from Kansas that’s his business.  But, if so, I certainly hope he keeps it to himself.  Don’t ask, don’t tell. That’s my motto when it comes to such things.

The less said about it the better.

I admit I am being a bit selfish in not wanting to hear about any Dorothy fantasies, but I have enough problems dealing with a sudden sense of encroaching mortality to manage the social awkwardness that would surely follow if any guy I know tells me in confidence that he wishes he was a girl from Kansas who befriended a talking scare crow, a lion and a tin woodsman, whatever that is.  I mean, really, what IS a tin woodsman?  Ever see one?  Not me.


But I digress.  The point is that the older a man gets, the more he sees the days of his life as sands running through an hourglass.  And that is what happened to me.


So as I enter the last phase of my time on this planet, I spent some of that time reevaluating how I spend my time.  After careful reflection, I concluded I use my time poorly – especially the time I spend writing.


Most of what I write is, in all honesty, kind of silly.  For example, just look at my most recent article about homosexuals. Who really cares which homosexuals I favor and which ones I disapprove of – like that awful Rosie O’Donnell?  I mean, seriously, Rosie O’Donnell’s celebrity and resulting wealth is proof that there is something fundamentally wrong with the universe.

Rosie O’Donnell’s mere existence causes me to ask questions I never, ever asked before. Every time I see or hear Rosie O’Donnell I ask myself “what kind of a God would shape reality to include Rosie O’Donnell?  Can a truly loving God do such a thing?  And if so, why?  Why would the Ruler of the Universe say to himself  “I, the Creator of Everything, the Prime Mover, have decided to begin a chain of events that will result in the rise of a really, really annoying lesbian who will, in addition to being fat will also be a slob, and yea, verily, she will have her own talk show.”


I just can’t accept that God would do such a thing. The very concept of Rosie O’Donnell has upset me so much that, out of spiritual desperation, I consulted with my priest, Father Stavros.  I asked him “Father, if God loves us so, why did God send Rosie O’Donnell to live among us?”


Father Stavros is a wise, old man with a long beard and a funny hat.  Well, it looks funny if you aren’t Greek Orthodox.  To us, it looks fine.  But, to those of different faiths, the hats Greek priests wear can look sort of weird and their names can be difficult to pronounce.  I knew a priest named Father Papahartogeorgoudisfylakakopoulos. I felt bad for the guy.

Father Papahartogeorgoudisfylakakopoulos

 


Well, Father Stavros (who’s last name is thankfully easy to pronounce) listened to me and then said “maybe God put Rosie O’Donnell on earth to test the faithful.”


But I digress.  The point I am trying to make is that I have spent the last few months reevaluating my life, and have decided that, if I am going to continue writing this column, I need to concentrate on more important things.  Our world and our nation are facing dark times.  I want to make a difference.


So get ready, People of Earth, for the greatest and most meaningful series of articles you have ever experienced.


I will begin by exploring the hidden wonders and important parables for our times revealed through professional Mexican wrestling.



HALLOWEEN AT MY PLACE

Posted in 3D, Art, Artists Rights, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Berne Convention, Brave New World, Cinema, Droit de Suite, Droit Moral, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Fair Use, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Fritz Lang, Getting it Right, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, Mad Scientists, Moral Rights, music, News, Nichola Tesla, Op Ed, Parody, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Research and Development, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, Space, Space Chicks, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Tasmania, Tasmanian Devil, Tasmanian Jesus, The Big Lebowski, The Wilhelm Scream, Travel, TV, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, Wilhelm Reich on November 3, 2009 by paulboylan

Culturally speaking, the United States has contributed two things to the world – popular barbecue and Halloween.

Why not both at the same time?

By “popular” I mean widespread.  No people on earth have popularized cooking outdoors over live fire the way we Americans have. For a more serious discussion, please click here. l


Considered good eating in Perth.

By “Halloween” I mean an unabashed annual celebration of the spooky.

Other cultures celebrate death.  They do it in China. They do it in Mexico.  But those celebrations are essentially spiritual and/or religious.  But not Halloween.  Halloween has nothing to do with the spiritual. It has nothing to do with religion.  It has everything to do with fun.

Every year on October 31st – when the wall between the worlds is thinnest and most easily crossed – kids and adults dress up in costumes and, when it gets dark, they go door to door essentially begging for candy – which they receive in large, monstrous handfuls.

This completely non religious festival is becoming part of the international scene.  American style Halloween is now celebrated all over the world.

Halloween in Costa Rica

Halloween in Costa Rica

Halloween in Singapore

My favorite expression of this spread is Sandra’s haunted balcony in Hamburg, Germany.

It makes sense that the Germans in particular would embrace Halloween.

Admirable Teutonic exuberance.

But I digress.  I am here to tell you – to show you – what Halloween is like here in Northern California in the small town where I live.

Blackula1

For me Halloween began with a knock on my door early in the morning.  My neighbor and his son came by to ask is they could install a portal into a dimension of evil in my front yard.  My lawn was destroyed when my home was remodeled, so I figured, heck, when would there be a better time to have a portal into a dimension of evil installed in my front yard?

A hole was dug.

digging the hole

The device was installed.

adjusting the device

While my neighbors tinkered with the field densities between the universes, a flock of wild turkeys strolled down my street foraging and decided to spend some time on a roof at the end of the block.

roof turkeys 1.0

DSC00275

DSC00277

It was a good omen.

I decided to carve a pumpkin, but the pumpkin bin at my local market was somewhat bare with slim pickings left.

pumpkin dregs

Nevertheless, I was able to find a reasonably decent pumpkin and was able to exercise the minimal artistic talent every American is born with and which is useful only for carving faces in pumpkins.

awaiting darkness 3

The dirt from the hole that housed the portal into the dimension of evil made a couple of fine impromptu graves.


awaiting nightfall

All we had to do was wait for darkness and some unsuspecting Trick or Treaters.

trick or treat

Actual Trick or Treaters who came to my door.

I went out and bought candy to give away to the little boys and gouls who would come to my door that evening.

DSC00324

In addition to the usual treats, I included in my selection the very finest fake glow in the dark sour worms I could find.

DSC00323

The perfect Halloween treat.

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And then it was time to get our collective freak on.

kids 4

The device in my front yard worked nicely.  I had a switch inside the house that triggered the device whenever someone rang the door bell, causing much shouting and the occasional scream.

DSC00317

It was a most satisfying Halloween.  But I’m beginning to wonder if that portal is going to harm the value of my property.

 

WHY I TEACH (IN FRANCE)

Posted in American Decline, Artists Rights, Barry Goldwater, Berne Convention, Brave New World, Cinema, Droit de Suite, Droit Moral, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Fair Use, Family and Friends, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Fritz Lang, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Hubris, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, Mad Scientists, Moral Rights, Nichola Tesla, pandemic, Paying Attention, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Space Chicks, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Travel, TRIPs, TV, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on October 6, 2009 by paulboylan

As many of you know, I am more than just an attorney.

In addition to being an amateur gas dynamics engineer, cheese fermentation expert and an antique podiatry tool enthusiast, once a year I travel to France to teach negotiations to law and business students at the University of Poitiers.  I am leaving at the end of this week to do it again.

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On first impression, it seems like a bad idea.  It takes a few weeks to prepare my lectures.  My classes last two weeks. Together, this means I must put my legal practice on hold for a month or more.  The University of Poitiers pays me a little for my efforts, but it doesn’t make up for the income I lose during that month.


In addition to an income drop, I feel a profound sense of isolation when I am in France.

I don’t speak much French (my students are from all over the world and my classes are taught in English).  Poitiers is off the beaten path for English speaking people, which means that, for the most part, my time in France is very lonely. Sometimes I find myself asking directions to destinations I know just for the interaction.

"Excuse me, Miss, but I cannot locate the train station on my map."

And then there is the weight problem.  Every time I teach in France, I come home weighing 10 pounds more.


French food tastes great and, frankly, when I am there I eat a lot of it.


You have no idea how good it is.

So why do I do it? Why not teach closer to home and avoid loneliness, jet lag, weight gain and income loss?  Well, I tried that but I didn’t like it very much because my American law students were just too darned lazy.

The L1 class I taught at Harvard

Over these years I’ve experimented with many teaching methods.  I’ve discovered that the best way to teach negotiations is through lectures combined with exercises where groups of students practice negotiating.  This method works extremely well to teach negotiations theory and practice.  However, my American students constantly complained about it. They grumbled about the effort the exercises require and repeatedly asked: “why don’t you just give us the answers?”


None of my foreign law or business students ever asked for easy answers. None of them ever complained about the amount of effort it takes to learn how to negotiate effectively.  All of them are in class on time and participate enthusiastically – and they do it in a foreign language: English.  A big reason why I go to France to teach – and am willing to experience sleep deprivation, weigh-gain, income loss and isolation – is because I prefer teaching non-American students.  I wish it weren’t true, but they are just better students.


There is another reason why I travel so far to teach. I believe that the American Empire is in decline. In addition to being an amateur gas dynamics engineer, cheese fermentation expert, antique podiatry tool enthusiast and a teacher, I am also a student of history – and history shows that the great empires of the world declined and atrophied when their governments became so corrupt that they became unable to solve even simple problems.  It happened to Imperial Persia. It happened to Imperial Rome. It happened to Imperial China. It happened to Imperial Brittan.


And it is happening to us.  Lobbyists for special interests are so influential that our local, regional and national elected officials cannot get anything meaningful done.  For example, there is no question that our health care system needs fixing. We spend more for less than even some Third World nations. But there is no chance our health care system will be fixed because there are too many people making money off of the system, and they are using this money – billions and billions of dollars – to pay lobbyists to buy politicians who work hard to keep thing exactly the way they are.


The same is true for any number of important, pressing problems. Name it: if it is important and pressing, nothing will be done about it.  There will be plenty of talk and maybe a law or two will be enacted, but nothing will change and the problem will definitely not be remedied. Our political system is corrupt, the corruption cannot be fixed, and so we have no chance of effectively solving the important problems facing our nation.  Our standard of living is falling. Our international power is slowly slipping away.


However, where we are falling, I believe that Europe [lead by France, Germany and Britain] is rising.  I am included in the faculty of one of the oldest and best universities in Europe.  My students will be decision makers in business, law and government. In my own small way, I am trying to influence these new Masters of the Earth.  When they are voting on treaties and drafting trade agreements that will affect American lives, I want them to remember Professor Boylan and, hopefully, judge Americans more kindly than they would have if not for my example.

I realize this sounds simplistic, even hubristic, probably illusory. But it is why I do it.

And so, once again, I will be tolerating the many indignities of international travel.

I will rent a car in Paris and make the 3 hour drive down the A-10 past Orleans, past Tours to Poitiers. That night I will have dinner (salad, duck, a glass of wine and profiteroles for dessert) at Le Serrurier, my favorite café.

Let the weight gain begin.


A Short Story Inspired by WITHOUT WARNING by John Birmingham

Posted in Art, Artists Rights, Droit de Suite, Droit Moral, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Fair Use, Fiction, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Hapax Legomenon, Hubris, IN MEMORIAM, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Mad Men, Moral Rights, pandemic, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Rage Against the Machine, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wrath of God, Travel, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, Wilhelm Reich on September 19, 2009 by paulboylan

[This next piece is “fanfic” that takes place in the world depicted in Without Warning -

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- a novel by the illustrious – and dare I say it, charming? – Australian author, John Birmingham.

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Not his best photo.

Not his best photo.

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I reviewed Without Warning in this blog.  I cannot recommend it more highly as a very good read. If you want to see the review, click here. /.

The novel was inspired by a question: what if the world woke up one day to find out that the United States (and adjacent parts of Canada and Mexico) were gone – and, in the novel “gone” is shown as a mysterious energy barrier surrounding the United States (called the “Wave”) behind which everyone has died and that kills anyone who tries to travel through it.

The novel is devoted to following characters who live in a world without America and describes what happens to the world when the US is suddenly gone and depicts what is left of the US – in Seattle and Guantanamo Bay – struggling to survive and rebuild.

I was interested in exploring how the Wave might affect people who are not part of any heroic scenario and who are, essentially, inconsequential in the scheme of things in every way a person can be inconsequential.]

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AFTER THE WAVE: JIMMY’S TALE

Chapter One:

It happened when Jimmy was in Calgary, rummaging through an alley behind a strip mall on 1st Street: he found a crate labeled “Novelty Nose and Glasses.”

Jimmy opened the crate and found it full of rubber noses attached to black plastic horned-rimmed glasses frames.  His hands shook as he placed a pair on his face.  He ran into an empty store and found a mirror and, as he looked at his reflection, Jimmy suddenly knew what he was supposed to do.


The Wave killed Jimmy’s parents.  They were out of town visiting family in Calgary.  Jimmy’s parents left him with his Aunt Mona.  Then the Wave hit.  Jimmy’s Aunt ordered him to stay with her in her house.  But when the riots began, Jimmy left, hell-bent on protecting his home.  He left his Aunt and ran across town to his house. He used the key hidden in the garden to get into the house and he went right to the closet where his father hid a gun.

“Guns are dangerous,” Jimmy’s father explained. “And no one is supposed to know we have this one.  But I want you to know how to load it. Just in case.”

Jimmy loaded the gun like his father showed him and then sat vigil in the darkened house, ready to use deadly force to defend it against anyone entering without his consent.

He almost shot his aunt who came by in the morning to make sure he was all right.  Three days later he returned to his aunt’s home, taking only his father’s gun and collected ammunition in a brown grocery bag.

Then the Wave vanished, and the need to find his parents overcame Jimmy. He stole his Aunt’s car and drove south on Highway 2, teaching himself how to drive as he traveled.

As he drove, he watched the needle on his gas gage slowly drop towards empty.  He stopped at gas stations along the way, but none of the pumps functioned.   He ran out of gas near Leduc.

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Jimmy hiked back to a gas station he passed just prior to running dry.   He found a Mercedes sedan parked at one of the pump islands under the canopy with the pump handle sticking out of the fuel fill tube as if, just before the Wave hit, the Mercedes owner left the pump to go into the mini mart to buy a cup of coffee while the pump continued to gush gasoline into the Mercedes’ gas tank.

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The doors was unlocked.  Jimmy ignored the crusty piles of clothing in the front passenger seat.  By then such refuse was nothing new to the little boy, even if he had not yet completely accepted what it meant.

Food became a problem. The residual smell of rotting meat and decaying produce made every supermarket unapproachable.  Eventually hunger superseded Jimmy’s revulsion, and, after that, it was an endless feast of junk food that evolved into a diet composed primarily of canned goods.

He found companionship.  Jimmy stopped at every supermarket he passed and he fed the feral dogs and cats lurking near each supermarket, drawn to the death stench.  There was plenty of cat and dog food in every market Jimmy plundered and, before he drove off, he broke enough windows to let the dogs and cats into the stores to scavenge what they could.

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After two weeks in Calgary, Jimmy gave up searching for his parents.  By then he knew they were dead –  he knew that everyone was dead – but he kept looking for them, harboring the romantic notion that it was his duty to find and bury their remains. When he could no longer hold onto that illusion, he finally grieved his parent’s death and the end of the world.  Great tremors battered his very small, very young mind and body as he sobbed and screamed, completely alone and utterly terrified.

The next few weeks were dark indeed.  Jimmy discovered the numbing virtues of distilled ethyl alcohol in many varieties and the incredible pain associated with drinking too much of it.  He somehow lived through the ordeal, and slowly began devoting his days to exploring any part of Calgary that caught his momentary fancy and wasn’t on fire.

In an alley behind a strip mall on 1st Street, Jimmy found a shipping crate he decided to open, and when he did he discovered it was filled with novelty nose and glasses.  Jimmy never saw such things before, but he wasn’t stupid; he realized they were some kind of joke.  He slid a pair from their clear, crinkly cellophane packaging, unfolded the black plastic frame arms and slid them onto his face.

He found a mirror and looked at his new refection.  He didn’t notice his filthy skin and ragged, filthy clothing.  All he noticed was his eyes staring out from the black plastic frames and the large flesh colored rubber nose covering his.

And, at that moment, Jimmy knew what he was supposed to do.  He found a bag and stuffed it with nose and glasses.  Then he drove about three miles north on Macleod until he reached those stupid statues.

There, on Macleod, between 5th and 6th, stood ten statues of what looked like people who were starving.  They were three times as tall as Jimmy, standing in a circle, holding hands, and dancing.

family_of_man_statues_ii

Jimmy hated those statutes.  He didn’t fully appreciate the concept of irony, but he instinctively understood what he was too young to intellectually grasp, and that basic understanding encouraged him to hate those emaciated, faceless, tall dancing human caricatures.   Every time he drove past them he hated them  more, until eventually he worked hard to avoid them.


But now he avidly sought them, and when he found them, Jimmy used a tall ladder to climb up and place a novelty nose and glasses set on each of those ten statutes. And when he climbed down and walked far enough away to see them all standing there sporting his handiwork, he laughed and laughed until he fell to the ground holding his stomach and rolling on his back on the grass.  Eventually he stopped, only to start up again.  Jimmy gleefully convulsed thus until long after the sun set.

That night, sleeping in a home he chose at random in the bedroom of people who were surely dead, Jimmy dreamed.  In his dream he found himself walking down a path towards a shadowy figure sitting on a rock next to a campfire.

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As Jimmy drew closer he saw that the figure was an old man with shoulder-length hair, a cropped iron-gray beard and wearing old nondescript clothes.

“Call me Wanderer,” the old man said and smiled.  “I knew your father.”

“Ed Finklestien?” Jimmy asked.

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Ed Finklestien

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“What? No, not Ed Finklestien.  Mike Havel.  Wait – wait a minute – aren’t you Artos?”

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artos2.

“No. I’m Jimmy.”

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jimmy

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“Hold on a second.“ The old man stood, reaching into a pocket and removed what looked like a cell phone. He flipped it open and rapidly punched a series of keys on the phone face.  The old man peered at the small, glowing display screen.

“Damn it,” the old man hissed and rapidly punched another series of keys, lifting the phone to his ear.  “Cindy?” the old man said into the phone.  “Yeah, its me. It happened again.  No.  Listen.  Wait… look , I want her fired, okay?  It happened again.  I know.  It’s a hard job.  More alternate realities every day.  Right.  Uh huh. Yeah, the Assiti.   Look, I don’t care.  It’s the wrong universe again, God damn it.  I want a new appointment secretary right away, okay?  Okay.”

The old man angrily snapped the cell phone shut, shoved it back into his coat pocket and looked at Jimmy.

“Sorry, kid,” the old man said, “but this mystical experience is over.

Jimmy woke up.  He was a little afraid and didn’t understand what happened, but somehow the dream stiffened his resolve to continue defacing statues.  He drove back to the alley where he found the packing crate.  He loaded up his car with all the novelty nose and glasses he could find and, with a long ladder tied to the car roof, with no regrets, and armored with a sense of purpose, he left Calgary driving south on Highway 2.

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CONTINUED

If you are interested in any other Without Warning inspired fanfic, go to

http://miniburger.wordpress.com/category/without-warning/

RECENT FAN MAIL

Posted in Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Hubris, Humor, It's not what you think, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, Op Ed, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Rage Against the Machine, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? on July 3, 2009 by paulboylan


article-0-023D558600000578-369_468x286


One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – recently wrote:

“you think you’re so smart but I am smarter than you and I rarely leave my house I spend all day doing research on the Internet looking up stuff about people I don’t like and then I spread gossip about them on the internet  I hate you I hate Jews and the Pope and illegal aliens why won’t they speak english like normal people english is the national language and they should be forced to speak it or they should go back where they came from but as I was saying before you interrupted me  you are a criminal and I bet all of your clients are criminals and you help them do criminal stuff I hope you die soon.”

houstonproud

Before you rush to my defense, sit back and think about what Penelope said.  He may be an under-medicated, uneducated, cross-dressing racist kook, but he raises one valid point that is worth discussing.  Most of my clients are not criminals, but some are.

A thought criminal I would be proud to represent

A thought criminal I would be proud to represent

Why do I represent criminals? It isn’t the money.  Representing criminals doesn’t pay as well as you might think.  Believe me, criminals rarely ever pay their bills.  I don’t want to stereotype anyone, but I can tell you from experience that criminals are incredibly cheap.  They hate spending money. 

Hated paying his attorneys.

I imagine it is because crime doesn’t pay as well as it once did. 

Trying to bundle and sell hand job derivatives.

Trying to bundle and sell hand job derivatives.

Whatever the reason, more often than not, my criminal clients do everything they can to avoid paying me for my time. So it isn’t the money that prompts me to represent them.  I do it because I believe that there is only one thing more dangerous than organized crime – and that is disorganized crime.  There is nothing that poses a greater risk to the public than a disorganized criminal.

Let me give you some examples (all of these really happened):

First: the Case of the Disorganized Jewel Thieves. Neiman Marcus is a high-scale department store in Beverly Hills that offer valet parking to its customers.  Three masked gunmen robbed the Neiman Marcus jewelry department, but they forgot they parked their car with the valet, and so had to take off on foot through residential Beverly Hills to escape the police. 

They were easily apprehended, but I think we can all agree that disorganized armed criminals running down the street dragging bags of money, jewelry and expensive shoes for their wives presents an extreme hazard to the community that could have been avoided if the criminals in question were a bit more organized and planned the robbery out in advance.

Next: the Case of the Disorganized Bank Robber.  Some poor fool tried to rob a bank using a paper bag over his head as a maks to hide his true identity.  But he forgot to cut holes in the bag so that he could see what he was doing and where he was going.  To compensate for his failure to properly plan the heist, the robber kept lifting the bag up so that he could see – which allowed the bank’s surveillance cameras to get a good look at his face.

Didnt think it through.

Didn't think it through.

This idiot used a gun to rob that bank – which is dangerous enough without the person holding the gun blinding himself by putting a paper bag over his head.  An organized bank robber would have presented less of a threat to the innocent bystanders in the bank.

Next: the Case of the Disorganized Drug Dealers.  A police car in a nearby town noticed a car weaving back and forth as is traveled down a city street.  When the car was pulled over, the police officer discovered that the car was weaving because the three men in the car were watching a video on a portable player while they were driving.  More importantly, the video was an instructional tape designed to teach the viewer how to grow and sell marijuana.  The police officer discovered one hundred pounds of marijuana in plastic bags piled on the car’s back seat.

Organized criminals would have watched the instructional video before getting in the car, which means the drug dealers would have been able to keep their eyes on the road.These are only a few examples proving the point that disorganized crime can be far more dangerous and presents much more of a threat to the health, safety and well-being of the public than organized crime. I do not condone criminal acts, but I am far more afraid of disorganized criminals than I am of the organized ones. An organized criminal would never think this would work.

I represent criminals because there always comes a time when I am sitting with them face to face and, after they tell all about what they did and they didn’t do, I get the chance to look them straight in the eye and ask “what are you, stupid?”   Maybe, just maybe, they will realize they are too disorganized to be a criminal and, knowing that, they will give up their criminal aspirations.

Feels better than it looks.

Feels better than it looks.

And maybe they will pay their defense attorneys.  That would be good, too.

I can dream, cant I?

I can dream, can't I?

NAKED BRITISH WOMEN

Posted in Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Getting it Right, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Isnt nature wonderful?, It's not what you think, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Sports, Stoats, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Travel, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, Wilhelm Reich with tags on May 9, 2009 by paulboylan

angry-monkey-739979

I am not a gambler.

I rarely take chances.

I prefer to engage in activities that I can either win or know that I can fix to win.


I cannot help but wonder if my European and Australian brothers and sisters truly know what “the fix” means to an American.  “The fix” is part of who we, as Americans, are.

Send us your tired, huddled masses, yearning to be free, and in just one generation they will be eating turkey on Thanksgiving and grilling meat and vegetables on Labor Day – and they will understand “the fix” as a cultural connector within a culture that rejects connection.


“The fix” is cheating.  Pure and simple.  When a sporting event is “fixed” someone has bribed the players or the officials to an extent that the result is certain.  “Putting the fix in” is as American as apple pie and vote suppression.

I recently got involved in an endeavor that provided not one chance or opportunity to put the fix in.  I wandered into Simon Bedak’s blog and found a bunch of people guessing on the results of  sporting events.  Despite my lack of advantage – both legitimate and illegitimate – I joined in and chose Port Adelaide to win against St. Kilda, whatever that meant.

Totally alien to me.

 

Prior to that, I experienced just one moment of non-American sports culture.  It happened in 2002 in London when Arsenal won the double.

Equally alien to me.

 

To this day I have no idea what Arsenal is and I am even more clueless about what “winning the double” means.

All I know is that I was walking down a street somewhere in London in the early evening when – all of a sudden – the streets erupted with happy people.  Really happy people. People so happy some of them took off all of their clothes.

Apparently this happens a lot in Britain.

 

As memory serves, I saw buck naked women running around the streets hugging and kissing other men and women.  I had the distinct impression that they were all drunk. I found out later that it was all part of a spontaneous celebration of Arsenal’s winning the double.

I admit joining them.  I may be a barbarian, but I am not a fool.  If a mob of people are celebrating and naked women are among them only a fool would not rush to join.

I had a great time – even though I still don’t know what it means to “win the double.”  Whatever it is, it inspired social magic. I am a big supporter of social magic.


But even while I was lost in that meandering crowd, flowing through the narrow London streets, somewhere inside I wondered what the f**k was wrong with my life that I was only an accidental participant of such an event.  A mass of ordinary British men and women spontaneously celebrated with abandon that I had never experienced before.

Abandon that I have not experienced since.

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HEADLINE – POLICE APPREHEND BIGGEST SERIAL KILLER

Posted in 3D, American Decline, Art, Avatar, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Cinema, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Droit de Suite, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Getting it Right, Globalization, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, music, News, Op Ed, Our animal friends, pandemic, Paying Attention, Photography, Pop Culture, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, Space Chicks, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Tasmania, Tasmanian Devil, Tasmanian Jesus, Television, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Website of the Week, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags on May 1, 2009 by paulboylan


By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass. Press Writer – Thu Apr 30, 9:59 pm ET

LOS ANGELES – Police believe a 72-year-old insurance claims adjuster arrested earlier this month is the biggest serial killer in the city’s history.

“This guy is huge,” Capt. Denis Cremins said. “When we say we caught him laying around the house, we mean “around” the house.”

The suspect weighs over a metric ton and is so large that his arrest required two specially trained SWAT units just to put him in improvised handcuffs originally used to restrain emotionally unstable, bipolar hippos at the Los Angeles Zoo.

“We trained in Iraq, so my men are familiar with morbidly obese perpetrators,” Denis said. “But this is way beyond my experience.  How could he let that happen to him? He should be ashamed of himself.”

Serial killers often over-eat, said FBI profiler, David Carr. “It really is a big problem and it can lead to clinical depression. Without counseling and medical intervention, a serial killer’s uncontrollable appetite for fast food eventually interferes with their predatory activities, and when that happens suicidal thoughts are not uncommon” Carr explained.

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Source for headline:  http://largest-ever-serial-killer-captured.html

HEADLINES – Chinese Fitness Balls Recalled

Posted in 3D, American Decline, Avatar, Brave New World, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Fair Use, Family and Friends, Food, German Reformation Knock-Knock Jokes (1520-1553), Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Headline, Headlines, Humor, Joseph Bleckman, morbid obesity, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, morbidly obese homosexual tax cheats, News, Our animal friends, pandemic, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, The Big Lebowski, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, TV, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, Wilhelm Reich with tags on April 19, 2009 by paulboylan

By RHAPPI KANASTA, Ass. Press Writer – 2 hrs 24 mins ago

BEJING – EB Brands on Thursday voluntarily recalled three million fitness balls made in China after reports that they can pop unexpectedly during use, causing the person using them to fall to the floor, despite the fact that the products specifically say they are burst-resistant.



“Balls work just fine in China,” said, Fuk Hu, EB Brands spokesperson. “This not Chinese problem. This stupid fat American problem,” Hu explained. “Smart fat American say “hey, I no sit on ball, too fat to sit on ball.”



“The only market experiencing these problems is in the United States and parts of Egypt,” said Paul Nicholas Boylan, attorney representing EB Brands. “The world industrial complex should not be required to cater to the grossly overweight American consumer,” said Boylan.



“Maybe stupid, lazy Americans not eat so much McDonalds,” said Fuk Mei, directors of the American Products Division of Asian Stuff, Inc. “You grotesquely obese. No surprise balls burst,” Mei said.

“Ball not broken when leave China. Ball fine,” Hu added.

The recall is expected to cost EB Brands millions of US dollars.

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This one is a bit disturbing.

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HEADLINE – Afghan Cleric Defends Rape Law

Posted in 3D, Art, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Brave New World, Family and Friends, Fire and Ice, Food, Fritz Lang, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, News, Nichola Tesla, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Rage Against the Machine, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Small Town America, Space, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Tasmania, Tasmanian Devil, The Big Lebowski, The Wrath of God, Travel, TV, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, Wilhelm Reich with tags on April 11, 2009 by paulboylan

AFGHAN CLERIC DEFENDS CONTENTIOUS MARRIAGE LAW

By RHAPPI KANASTA, Ass. Press Writer – 2 hrs 24 mins ago

KABUL – A key backer of an Afghan law that critics say legalizes marital rape and rolls back women’s rights rejected an international outcry as foreign meddling on Saturday and insisted that, even though the legislation legalizes marital rape, it also offers women many benefits.

“Sure, a wife can be raped,” Mohammad Asif Mohseni, a top Afghan cleric who was one of the law’s main drafters, told reporters in the capital, Kabul. “But after the rape, the law requires the woman to be given a sweater.”

Mohseni was quick to point out other “perks” within the legislation. “The woman is not required to cook dinner after the rape. She can do anything she wishes – so long as she doesn’t leave the house. She can watch television. She can read. She can curl up into a ball and weep – but not too loud, because that would disturb her husband if he is talking on the phone.”

Surrounded by supporters, Mohseni unfurled reams of paper with hundreds of women’s signatures and thumbprints backing the law. “Did I mention the sweater is a Cardigan?” the cleric asked reporters. ” It can be worn open, or with the sleeves rolled up, or buttoned. It is very versatile.”

REVIEW: WITHOUT WARNING by John Birmingham

Posted in 3D, American Decline, Art, Artists Rights, Astronomy, Avatar, Barry Goldwater, Battlestar Galactica, Berne Convention, Brave New World, Cinema, Droit de Suite, Droit Moral, Early Elizabethan Knock-Knock Jokes, Evil Smiley Face, Fair Use, Family and Friends, Fiction, Fire and Ice, Food, Free Utilization Doctrine, French Impressionistic Knock-Knock Jokes, Fritz Lang, Getting it Right, Globalization, Hapax Legomenon, Harvey Eisner, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Humor, IN MEMORIAM, Internet Fun!, It's not what you think, Joseph Bleckman, Life, Mad Men, Mad Scientists, Moral Rights, music, News, Nichola Tesla, Op Ed, pandemic, Parody, Paying Attention, Photography, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Pycho-Social Trauma, Racism in America, Rage Against the Machine, Research and Development, Review, Romance Language Knock-Knock Jokes, Rotwang, Science, Science Fiction, Small Town America, Smiley Face, Space, Space Chicks, Stargate Universe, Steampunk, Stupid People, Sumerian Knock-Knock Jokes, Tasmania, Tasmanian Devil, Tasmanian Jesus, Television, The Big Lebowski, The Matrix, The River of Time, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, Travel, TRIPs, TV, Victorian Era Knock-Knock Jokes, Website of the Week, Weird Stuff, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, Wilhelm Reich with tags on February 12, 2009 by paulboylan

I just spent the last two days putting off high paying work to read WITHOUT WARNING, the latest novel by John Birmingham.  I’ve never reviewed a book before, so I am compelled to enact what I imagine a book reviewer would say, and this is it:

I experienced John Birmingham’s WITHOUT WARNING in the same manner I would have experienced a full glass of a good California zinfandel: it began strong in character, getting better with each taste and ended with a big finish, making me sad it was gone and leaving me wanting more.

No kidding. It was a really good read. The zinfandel analogy is spot on.  I highly recommend WITHOUT WARNING to the thousands of people who read this blog. Go out and buy it. I promise you won’t be able to put it down, and when you are forced by time and fate to do so, you will be scheming to find time to pick it up and continue.

Okay. I’ve done my book reviewer thing. Now it is time to get back to what I do a little better.

All of the characters – other than Fifi – were memorable. I especially enjoyed seeing the Rhino and a cameo by Murphy.  But the one character I enjoyed most – but didn’t quite get enough of – was Stavros. I LOVED that guy, and I believe he was more pivotal than would appear on first reading.

John Birmingham, where ever you are, please continue to develop this fine, Greek character (whom I suspect also has an Irish ancestry).

The guy on the left has an Irish last name.

As a matter of fact, please consider adding additional Greco-Irish characters, perhaps one that is an attorney with a small liver.  Yeah!  Wouldn’t that be great?  I mean, really, who doesn’t want to read about a character who is half Greek, half Irish – and is an attorney – who gets drunk really, really easily? And, while you’re at it, give him (has to be a guy) Attention Deficit Disorder. And flat feet.  Oh yeah, and he has to be bald.  I mean, that is a must, don’t you think – for verisimilitude and pathos?  Bald middle aged attorneys of Greek/Irish ancestry just reek of pathos. At least I hope that reek is pathos.

I am not a professional writer, but I can tell you that this is a very good idea.

The author of WITHOUT WARNING writing down my idea for possible future reference.

The author of WITHOUT WARNING writing down my idea for possible future reference.

 

And remember: the Wave eats people.

 

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