EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW – JOHN BOEHNER

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House of Representatives Republican Majority Leader John Boehner recently stated “Obama wants to obliterate the Republican Party.” Boehner’s complaint has inspired me to draft a fake interview where he explains why Obama needs to do anything at all to destroy the GOP when the GOP is doing a fine job of destroying itself.

I haven’t finished writing the interview yet, but I have collected together the photos I will use for illustration:

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HEADLINE – 2 ACCIDENTALLY SHOT AT GUN SHOW

Bought a gun at a gun show without a background check.

WACO, Texas – 2 people were injured at a gun show, completely baffling gun rights activists.

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Inbred redneck gun owner contemplating the causes of gun violence.

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“It is a complete mystery to me how on earth these two people could be accidentally shot a gun show,” said Skip Henderson, gun enthusiast, misogynist, homophobe, racist and sociopath.

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Skip Anderson can buy this gun at a gun show without a background check.

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At gun shows Americans – or anyone – can purchase automatic weapons without any background check being conducted.

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“Hello, my name is Joe, and that is my real name. It is not a made up name. I am Joe. And I am interested in purchasing your AK-47 in a cash transaction. Oooo! Are those high-capacity ammunition magazine clips I see in that bag?”

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 “I bet Obama snuck in here and shot those 2 people to make gun owners look bad so that he and his Negro Army can come and take away our guns” Henderson said.

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“Guns are not responsible for these injuries and it is completely irresponsible to imply that guns have any connection to gun violence whatsoever anywhere in the world especially at a gun show,”  said Tripp Wightman, a gun rights activist,”doomsday prepper” and paranoid schizophrenic who buys guns at gun shows without any background checks and makes methane from his own excrement.

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Mentally unfit to purchase a gun, but passed a background check because no court had ever declared him mentally unfit. So, like hundreds of thousands of people who should not ever own a gun, he was allowed to purchase one. And then he went to a political rally.

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“I will shoot anyone in the head multiple times using a semi automatic weapon with a fucking huge ammo clip,” Wightman said.  “I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought.  Oh yeah, the point I am trying to make is to make it very clear that I will shoot and kill anyone who argues that gun violence – the epidemic of gun violence that is sweeping across our nation and tearing apart the fabric of our society.  Hell, it happened again. I totally lost my train of thought.”

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He purchased two hand guns, a shot gun, and a semi automatic rifle and passed all three background checks. No court had ever declared him mentally unfit. Consequently he was not in the federal database that is used to perform background checks of people buying guns.
After purchasing these guns, he went to the cinema.

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“Where was I?  Oh yeah, I will brutally murder anyone who so much as implies that guns have anything to do with gun violence or attempts in any way to improve mental health care for background checks to prevent someone like me from buying all the guns I want.  And then I will mutilate their bodies.  And if possible, I will sell the body parts – including fluids – to raise money so I can buy more guns.  That is how much I love America.  That is how much I love the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution that protects my rights to own and use weapons that are designed to kill people. Lots and lots of people.  Lots and lots of smelly, anti-American sinners who are building socialist agnostic, atheist, and Catholic robots that steal my luggage, violate my rights and infringe on my personal freedoms,”  said Wightman.

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He bought this gun at a gun show without a background check. And now he is watching your children walk to school.

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“No one loves America more than me.  Or guns,” said Wightman.  “Did I tell you that I make methane from my own poop?  I do it to stop the government from reading my thoughts.”

“The only option I will consider to remedy what is arguably an epidemic of gun related deaths in the United States is  what the NRA proposed, and that is posting armed guards in every school in the country.  But I do not want any taxpayer money to pay for it.  I want these armed guards to be volunteers.”

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Eager to volunteer.

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 ”In other words, people like me,” Wightman concluded before adjusting the aluminum foil cap covering his head.

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Gun owners are willing to kill in order to maintain unrestrained access to assault weapons and the lack of background checks for those buying automatic weapons.

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UPDATE: subsequent to the posting of this story,  5 additional people were accidentally shot at gun shows in the United States.

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HEADLINE – ROMNEY STEALS COLBERT’S ‘BETTER TOMORROW, TOMORROW’ JOKE

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SANFORD, Fla. – Mitt Romney’s final event in the Sunshine State struck an optimistic tone when he told a white, uneducated crowd of supporters – 90 percent of which are unemployed and have no health insurance – that a “better tomorrow, tomorrow” awaits them.

The enthusiam of the crowd — which chanted “kill the niggers and jews!” — appeared to energize Romney, as he took a detour from his prepared remarks.

“Tomorrow, we begin a new tomorrow,” he said. “We can begin a better tomorrow tomorrow, and with the help of the people in Florida, that’s exactly what’s going to happen tomorrow.”

“Mitt likes the word ‘tomorrow,’” explained Trip Tripperson, a Romney campaign aide. Tripperson immediately added that Romney is a big fan of the broadway musical Annie.

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“That’s my joke, and he stole it,” complained Steven Colbert, a late night comedian, who’s parody super pac has the slogan “Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.”

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“‘Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow’ summarizes the stupidity of the American political process,” Colbert said. “It is the perfect satire of vapid, meaningless political slogans.  How can I continue using that as the slogan for my parody super pac if it becomes an actual vapid, meaningless political slogan said as part of Romney’s attempt to fool people into voting for him?”

“This is a theft of intellectual property, that’s what it is,” Colbert continued. “Romney has diluted my trademarked joke by using it as an actual slogan, hoping to persuade stupid people to vote for him.  He has drained all of the value out of what was a very clever and funny – and very trademarked – joke.”

“Comedy Central’s attorneys will be contacting Romney’s attorneys,” Colbert concluded.

Comedy Central is the cable network that produces and airs the Colbert Report, a satirical parody of conservative pundits like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.

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EVEN MORE PROOF THAT MITT ROMNEY SHOULDN’T BE OUR NEXT PRESIDENT

This is real.

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Here is exactly what Romney said:

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When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, there’s no — and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous.

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This man – who doesn’t know that, if you open a window on an airplane, you and everyone in the aircraft will die – is very likely going to be the next president of the United States.

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“I know there is a airplane around here somewhere….”

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“Hey, look at that! All the people look like ants!”

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HEADLINE – DEMOCRATS ACT TO SUPPRESS CONSERVATIVE VOTERS

MUNCIE –  To counter Republican efforts to prevent poor people, minorities and women – groups that traditionally vote for democrats – from voting, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has embarked on a campaign to prevent stupid people from voting.

“Smart voters will never, ever vote for Republican candidates,” former GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorumisaid recently.m

“Stupid voters are the bedrock of Romney’s re-election effort,” Santorum continued.  ”Stupid people traditionally vote Republican,” Santorum said. “If they have a college education or read for pleasure you can be sure they aren’t going to vote for Romney.”

Mitt Romney’s campaign has spend millions of dollars in an effort to appeal to Birthers, knee-jerk jingoistic patriots, NASCAR enthusiasts, anti-abortion fanatics, proud morbidly obese Type 2 diabetics who don’t have or want health insurancei- even Snooki fans.I

 ”We are currently negotiating to get an endorsement from the Octomom,” said an anonymous Romney campaign strategist. “If we can appeal to stupid voters while simultaneously suppressing the poor/minority/woman vote then we should be able to win this thing in November,” the Romney strategist said.

The DNC is fighting fire with fire. “If the Republicans try to prevent democrats from voting, then the DNC going to attempt to suppress the stupid vote,” said Trixie LaRue, a DNC spokesperson.

The plan is fairly simple:  the DNC will set up fake polling places/voting areas on election day with signs outside that read:

“A smart person will read that sign, understand the warning and not vote at that location.  A stupid person, however – i.e., a likely Republican voter – will probably not read the small print, will be impressed by the bright colors, and go into the fake area to vote,” LaRue said.

And when they get into the fake voting booth, they will be given the following fake ballot:

“The average stupid voter will believe they voted for Romney/against Obama, feel pleased with the result, go home, and never realize they didn’t really vote,” LaRue said.

“Early fake voting” is scheduled to begin tomorrow in Mississippi, Texas, Missouri, Indiana, West Virgina and Arizona.

(FURTHER) CONFESSIONS OF A DISGRUNTLED REPUBLICAN

And you kids – get your dog off my lawn!.

I know I am shouting my dissatisfaction in the political wilderness.  Explaining (again) why I am so unhappy with the GOP isn’t going to provide me with a better Republican choice for president in the 2012 general election.

But I am going to do it anyway.

When McCain lost to Obama, I saw it, not as a defeat, but as a victory for conservative moderates.  McCain lost his bid to become president because he kissed the ass of the Right Wing lunatic fringe and selected Sarah Palin as his running mate.  He picked Sarah Palin to appease the vocal lunatic fringe on the right who refused to support McCain picked an inexperienced, intellectually challenged demagogic ideologue that fit into their sick and twisted world view, rejected education and science, and gave lip service to their false Christian values.

Moderate conservatives like me – the former bedrock of the Republican Party – looked at Palin, read the notes she wrote on her hand to prepare for a debate, evaluated the odds of McCain’s poor health failing him under the pressure of the presidency – leaving Palin as President – and reluctantly decided to vote for Obama.  Any chance of Palin becoming President because McCain died in office was simply unthinkable and too horrible to contemplate.

It was our votes that made Obama president.  We did so hoping for two things: we hoped that McCain’s loss would prompt the GOP to reform itself, shrug off the right wing lunatic fringe like a dog shakes off a bad case of fleas, and provide the American people with a viable presidential and vice presidential candidate for 2012 that reflected the traditional Republican values of integrity and honesty.

That didn’t happen.  Instead of rejecting the lunacy that caused McCain to pick Palin,  the lunatic fringe was allowed to virtually take over the GOP, while the very flawed GOP primary system gave us Mitt Romney as the best of an awful field of candidates (Newt Gringrich?  Michelle Bachmann?  Rick Perry?  Herman Cane???).  And Romney won because he outspent his moronic opponents and for no other reason.

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[Romney's choice of Paul Ryan as running mate seemed, at first, to be a positive event.  Sure, it was done for the same reason McCain picked Palin - i.e., to kiss up to the GOP's lunatic fringe - but he wasn't stupid like Palin was, and that was a big difference.

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But it didn't matter.  Within the first few weeks of his being chosen as Romney's VP, Ryan revealed himself to be something of an idiot, and a dishonest one, too.  He was transformed from thoughtful young conservative to brain dead attack dog.]

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So the GOP has given me the choice of voting for Romney or allowing 4 more years of Obama.

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My problem is that I really, really don’t like Romney.  His primary strategy for winning against Obama tells us everything we need to know what kind of man he is and what kind of President he will be.  His strategy is based on cheating, deception and outright lies.

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He is blaming our current economic mess on Obama.  But every thinking American – or at least those with any kind of long term memory – knows that Obama inherited a mess so big that it almost took out the whole world.

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George W. Bush is not solely responsible for the crisis that happened during his second term.  The conditions that caused the disaster we are still deep within are the result of policies and inaction stretching back to the 1970′s.  But Bush’s decisions to cut taxes for the rich, to create brand new expensive unfunded entitlements for seniors, to pay for two wars with borrowed money and to do nothing to resolve the growing real estate and derivative bubbles – despite ample warning – were the straws that broke the world’s economic back.

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The point is that Romney’s attempt to criticize Obama’s failure to solve in four years what took over 40 years to happen is disingenuous and misleading.

Romney compounds this problem by avoiding talking about what he plans on doing to fix the problem that Obama didn’t or couldn’t.  And there is good reason for this: Romney plans on doing exactly what Bush did – the very tax, spending and regulation cutting policies that brought the crisis to full flower in the first place.

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If Romney succeeds in implementing his plans, he himself will save hundreds of thousands of dollars on his taxes – which are ridiculously low to begin with. And I don’t like that. 

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Romney is pinning his hopes for success on GOP state voter suppression efforts.  He is hoping that enough people who ordinarily vote for Obama won’t be allowed to vote because the republican controlled legislatures in swing states have passed laws making it more difficult for minorities and the poor to vote.

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This is victory through trickery, not through the battle of ideas.  It stinks and I don’t like it.

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I really hate Romney waffling all the time.  He will change his position any time he feels doing it will win him a few votes.

For example, throughout this election Romney has stated that on “day one” of his presidency he will repeal Obamacare. Period.  But it turns out Obamacare is popular. So Romney just announced that he won’t repeal all of Obamacare, just those parts he doesn’t like.  Then he had the audacity to claim that his obvious shift isn’t a change in his original position.  He thinks the American people are morons.

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But worst of all, Romney is willing to lie to win.  I won’t bore you with all the lies he has said, all of the deceptive statements obviously designed to mislead people into believing things that aren’t true.  I will give you only the most recent example.  A few hours ago from when I wrote these words, the American Ambassador to Lybia and three of his staff were murdered by a crowd upset with an American produced video insulting Islam (I’ve seen it; it is pretty horrible. It doesn’t excuse murder, but the film is really over the top insulting. People would riot if the same kind of movie was made about Jesus and Christianity).  In response to these murders, President Obama said:

I strongly condemn the outrageous attack on our diplomatic facility in Benghazi, which took the lives of four Americans, including Ambassador Chris Stevens. Right now, the American people have the families of those we lost in our thoughts and prayers. They exemplified America’s commitment to freedom, justice, and partnership with nations and people around the globe, and stand in stark contrast to those who callously took their lives.

I have directed my Administration to provide all necessary resources to support the security of our personnel in Libya, and to increase security at our diplomatic posts around the globe. While the United States rejects efforts to denigrate the religious beliefs of others, we must all unequivocally oppose the kind of senseless violence that took the lives of these public servants.

On a personal note, Chris was a courageous and exemplary representative of the United States. Throughout the Libyan revolution, he selflessly served our country and the Libyan people at our mission in Benghazi. As Ambassador in Tripoli, he has supported Libya’s transition to democracy. His legacy will endure wherever human beings reach for liberty and justice. I am profoundly grateful for his service to my Administration, and deeply saddened by this loss.

The brave Americans we lost represent the extraordinary service and sacrifices that our civilians make every day around the globe. As we stand united with their families, let us now redouble our own efforts to carry their work forward.

Here is what Romney said in response to the President’s statement:

 When our grounds are being attacked, and being breached, that the first response of the United States must be outrage at the breach of the sovereignty of our nation. And apology for America’s values is never the right course,he said, slamming the Obama administration for “sympathiz[ing] with those who waged the attacks.

 I think it’s a — a — a terrible course to — for America to — to stand in apology for our values. That instead, when our grounds are being attacked and being breached, that the first response of the United States must be outrage at the breach of the sovereignty of our nation.

An apology for America’s values is never the right course.

They clearly — they clearly sent mixed messages to the world and the statement that came from the administration and the embassy is the administration. The statement that came from the administration was — was a statement which is akin to apology and I think was a — a severe miscalculation.

But it’s also important for me, just as it was for the White House last night, by the way, to say that the statements were inappropriate, and in my — in my view, a — a disgraceful statement on the part of our administration to apologize for American values.

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Is he kidding?  Romney so utterly misrepresented what Obama said that it amounts to a lie.  The President’s statement didn’t apologize for American values. Romney is trying to feed into the whisper campaign that Obama is a muslim sympathizer, possibly a secret muslim himself, and that he apologizes for being American.  This is a calculated attempt to deceive the electorate in order to get a few votes.

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I really, really don’t like that about Romney – that he is willing to do anything, say anything to anyone to win.

And this is the man the GOP has placed on the ballot for me to vote for.  Not Chris Christie.  Not Tim Pawlenty.  Not Marco Rubio.  Not John Huntsman.

Out of all the people they could have chosen, they gave us Mitt Romney: a morally bankrupt rich guy, trying hard to hide just how rich he is, a bully and gay basher when he was a teenager, and willing to sell his soul to become President of the United States.

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DEAR CANADA: SORRY ABOUT ALL THE STUPID PEOPLE

Dear Canada:

First of all, how is the weather?  Good I hope?  Global climate change is going to be really good for you.  As the U.S. heartland transforms into a vast desert, the wheat growing regions are moving north into Canada, making you into the bread basket of the world (like we used to be).  And don’t even get me started on how much money you are going to make when the Arctic Ocean ice cap melts, opening up direct shipping from Canada to Asia, not to mention the resources of the Arctic you will be well-positioned to exploit, like easy to get offshore oil and natural gas (you lucky stiffs!). I hear you already have plans to sell that oil to China, transporting it cheaply across the Arctic Ocean to Russia and then via pipeline or train to China. Hot damn (no pun intended)!

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And how is your population?  Growing?  Healthy?  Life expectancy better than your neighbors to the south?  Great.  Really good.

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I’m writing to apologize, in advance, for the mob of stupid people who are headed your way from the United States.  Here is what happened:  the United States Supreme Court has upheld President Obama’s attempt to create a national health care system like you have, like Europe has, and like the rest of the civilized world has.

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This has upset a lot of really stupid people.  They don’t want improved health care. In response to the Supreme Court’s decision, this group of really stupid people have vowed to leave the United States and emigrate to Canada.

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No. Seriously.  Seriously.  I’m not kidding.  I know I am a kidder, and we’ve shares some really good jokes, but this time I’m not joking. Look, here are some tweets from some of the stupid people headed your way:

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Yes, I know how funny that is. Yes, I know that Canada has a national health care system.  But I told you these are stupid people.  And they are on their way north to you.

THANK YOU, CANADA!

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Thank you for taking our idiots.

Consider it payback for Celine Dion, curling and that joke you call bacon.

Even though they are idiots, I think they are in for a big shock.

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Sincerely,

Paul

Most Americans Oppose Obama’s Health Care Reforms, but Likes What it Does

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No joke: it’s real -

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A Reuters/Ipsos poll showed on Sunday that most Americans oppose President Barack Obama’s healthcare reform even though they strongly support its provisions.

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Medicare is a government run health care program.

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This seems, well, sort of stupid, if not crazy, so People of Earth: Attention located an average American to interview and find out what is going on.

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The average American voter.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Thank you for speaking with me today to clear up how you, the average American voter, feels about President Obama’s reforms of the American medical care system.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  It’s simple, Paul.  Like most Americans, I vehemently oppose the President’s plan while strongly supporting the reforms within that plan.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Let me ask you a different question.  Do you like cheese?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: I love cheese.

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Loves cheese.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Do you like mozzarella?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  You bet. I love mozzarella.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Do you like tomato sauce?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  I sure do.

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Loves tomato sauce.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Do you like dough that can be baked into a crust?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  You mean like pizza crust?

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Yes. Like pizza crust.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  I can eat it all day.

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Likes pizza crust.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Great. Do you like mozzarella cheese pizza?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  No, I do not.

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Does not like cheese pizza.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Why not?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Because I am sick and tired of the government shoving pizza down my throat.  And a black man made that pizza.  It doesn’t taste right. It doesn’t taste American.  It tastes Kenyan. I bet there is dog on that pizza.  I heard it on Fox News.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Perhaps your opposition has something to do with the spices used to prepare the pizza.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  I don’t believe in spices. Like global climate change.  Spices aren’t expressly described in the Bible or the U.S. Constitution, so spices don’t exist.  Especially garlic.

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Doesn’t believe in garlic.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Garlic doesn’t exist?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Nope.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  I think there was some in the salad I ate for lunch.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  No there wasn’t.  Garlic doesn’t exist.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  But I ate some.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  No you didn’t.  Look, do you see the word “garlic” used in the Bible or the Constitution?

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Has never read the Bible or the Constitution, but believes in their infallibility.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:  No.  I don’t think the American Founding Fathers discussed garlic.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Well, there you go. I proved it doesn’t exist.

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  But I ate some.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: So?

PEOPLE OF EARTH:  Solvitur ambulando.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Huh?

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Doesn’t know that was Latin.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH:   Nothing. Thank you. I have no further questions.

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Any time, Paul.  We’re about to sit down to dinner. Would you like to join us?

PEOPLE OF EARTH: What are you serving?

AVERAGE AMERICAN:  Mozzarella cheese on a baked crust with tomato sauce.  My favorite.

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Loves cheese and tomato sauce backed onto a bread-like crust, but hates pizza because he heard bad things about it on Fox News.

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Postscript:

Global climate change is causing rising sea levels that are causing the erosion of coastline in those American states with ocean borders.  The State of Virgina is one of them – the same state with a Republican majority intending to pass a law that requires any woman seeking an abortion to have ahtransvaginal ultrasound/prior to obtaining an abortion.

Virginia’s beaches are eroding, and there is a bill in the Virginia legislature that seeks funds to study how to best address the changing sea levels and their effect on Virginia’s Atlanatic coastline.  However, prominent Republicans refused to support the bill because they do not believe in global climate change or “changing sea levels,”  but the bill obtained their support when the bill’s author amended the bill to replace the phrase with “persistent flooding.”   http://hamptonroads.com/2012/06/lawmakers-avoid-buzzwords-climate-change-bills 

God bless America and save us from the dark madness that is sweeping across out once great nation.

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Is fascinated by shiny objects and collects string – AND he votes!

HEADLINE – Michigan woman censored for saying “vagina.”

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DETROIT – A Michigan lawmaker has been banned from speaking on the House floor after saying the word “vagina” while debating a Republican sponsored bill that would strictly restrict abortion rights in the state.

“I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina,” Rep. Lisa Brown said, addressing the Speaker of the House, “but ‘no’ means ‘no.’”

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Brown was gaveled into silence by House Speaker James Bolger (R-Bumfuck) for “violating the decorum of the House.”  Brown was then barred from speaking during the debate about a school employee retirement bill because she used the “V-word” in an unrelated debate.

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James Bolger

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“Listen, silly, even the concept of a vagina is offensive and is probably an anti-American commie liberal socialist secular humanist plot,” Bolger said.  “Like global warming and a deserving poor person, I don’t think it exists. I married  two women, not at the same time of course – so there is no way I could be gay – and I never found either of my wives’ vaginas, and I tried terribly, terribly hard for years,” Bolger said before explaining how fabulous  Joan Crawford, Judy Garland and musical theater is.

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“I think I saw one over there.”

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“Seriously. Years,” said Bolger’s second wife, Charlene. “I did everything I could think of to help James locate my vagina, but he just can’t get past his fear that girls have ‘cooties.’”

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“If girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, then why do they smell like sardines?” whispered conservative Republican former Senator Larry Craig (married, with children) on the Senate floor during a debate to defund Planned Parenthood a few months prior to being arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in a men’s bathroom. Senator Craig didn’t realize the microphone was on when he whispered his joke to a fellow conservative Republican Bob Allen.

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“I haven’t worn underwear since 1978 and I have a big red arrow painted on my abdomen pointed down. Nothing seems to help,”Charlene added.

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Bolger’s first wife, Betty, agrees. “Jim doesn’t know anything about vaginas. On our wedding night he burst into tears, locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out until I promised to “put that thing away.”

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For many Republicans the “V word” issue is less about abysmal sexual ignorance, misogyny or covert homosexuality, and more about returning America to a better time before non-whites “ruined everything.”

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“Fair is fair. If I can’t say nigger then you can’t say vagina, okay?” said Republican political strategist, Baptist minister, Holocaust denier and high school drop out Trip Tripperson.

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Trip Tripperson

“You let me call negroes niggers again, and Mexicans wet backs, and Asians gooks, and the mentally handicapped morons, and homos faggots, and women bitches and cunts –  just like God intended – and I’ll let you call beavers vaginas.  I want my country back, okay? Where’s the birth certificate?? Where’s the birth certificate??!!!” Tripperson shouted in presumed support for Republican sponsored legislation requiring women to post nude photos of themselves in fetish poses on “Christian D/s lifestyle” websites before obtaining an abortion.

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Ron Severstone – the sole remaining moderate Republican – suggests a possible compromise. 

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Ron Severstone

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“There are plenty of ways white men can effectively discuss the plan to turn back the clock and utterly dominate the sex lives of women without offending the lunatic fringe that has taken over the GOP,” Severstone said, a Republican politician who will soon be accused of “hating America” for offering to compromise with “satan worshiping baby killers.”

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“For example, we can call it ‘the hoo ha’ or “the bad thing” or “the otter’s pocket” or – my personal favorite – ‘the lady cave,” Sevestone suggested before running for his life.

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Still others simply view this recent kerfuffle as part of an ongoing process. “History has shown that, when male dominated societies wants to control women, they make sure that women’s bodies are considered obscene as part of reducing a woman’s status to that of a servant and  as property, rather than as a person,” said Professor Judith Holmes.

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 “That is what is essentially happening now.  And, to be brutally honest, it’s working,” Professor Holmes said just before renouncing her American citizenship and emigrating to Australia.

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Prof. Judith Holmes

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The anti-abortion law passed in the House 70-39, with all Republicans voting in favor of it. The legislation now goes to the Senate and is expected to pass with only democrats voting against it.

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HEADLINE – Chicago prepares for NATO summit

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MUNCIE, Indiana –  Chicago police are preparing as best they can for protests against the pending summit of the National Association of Theater Owners (NATO) that begins tomorrow.

“NATO sucks!” shouted Jason Rabinowitz, a protester protesting NATO policy.

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“We don’t understand,” said Raj Hempstead, President of NATO.  ”We know the price of popcorn is ridiculously high, but does it really warrant rock throwing and people lighting themselves on fire in protest?”

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 ”Look, we will lower the price.  We’ll lower the price of all movie theater concessions. Like Milk Duds.  We will lower the price of Milk Duds.  Just please stop yelling,” Hempstead said.

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SIMPLE MATH [UPDATED]

On January 20, 2011, when George W. Bush took office as President of the United States, the Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) was at 10,587.60

Bush immediately implemented his economic plans based on right wing ideology, and this had an immediate negative effect on the US economy.  For example, on March 20, 2001, the DJIA closed below the previous year’s low for the first time since 1982.

Barack Obama took office on January 20, 2009, and when he did, the DJIA was at 7,365.

As of the date this is posted, the DJIA closed at 13,149.55

Let’s crunch the numbers a bit:

During Bush II, the US economy experienced a steady decline that culminated with a virtual systemic melt down. During Bush’s term in office, the DJIA lost 3,222.6 points.

The Obama years saw, at first, a worsening economic climate, with the DJIA dropping even further.  Non partisan economists believe this was due in large measure to the downward momentum from the collapsing economic system Obama inherited from Bush II.  However, as of now, during Obama’s term the DJIA has added 5,784.55 points.

The GOP is offering us Mitt Romney to replace Obama.  Here is the problem:  Mitt Romney is a somewhat stupid rich guy who is out of touch with the real world and who relies on weird economic nonsense born more of ideology than reason.

Romney wants to give the rich a tax break and pay for it by taxing the poor. No fooling.

 But we already tried that with Bush II. It didn’t work.  Obama, for all his many, many faults, has made it better.

The American people are being asked to try again what didn’t work the first time and to replace a devil we know with a devil we don’t.

The American people will pick the devil they know – warts and all. They won’t believe the shrill screams from the lunatic Right that Obama is responsible for the economic mess he inherited.  They won’t believe that he can’t take credit for the recovery we’ve experienced.

That’s all there is to it.  Romney cannot win without moderate republican votes like mine, and I won’t vote for a return to the policies of Bush II.

I am going to do what most Americans will do – I will look at the DJIA for a sign of economic health and I will look to see if my SEP retirement fund has recouped the losses it suffered during Bush II.

It has. My retirement fund is in the black again for the first time in years.  And I’m feeling a bit more secure and eating out more.  Buying that bottle of wine. Taking that short vacation.  Not caring quite as much if the lights are left on or not.

I hated living otherwise. I hated being afraid. I remember being afraid that the banking system would crash and the rest would follow.  I started wondering if I should hoard black pepper because it might be hard to get when the international trade system collapsed.

I will never forget what that felt like.  I won’t jeopardize the positive change that has come – albeit slowly.

The GOP could have given us Jim Christie.  The GOP could have embraced Ron Paul.  But it didn’t.  They found someone as much like George W. Bush as they could.

It isn’t my fault if Romney isn’t a viable candidate.

 It isn’t my fault that the GOP did everything it could to keep the economy from improving – and failed.

It infuriates me that keeping the economy bad was their big strategy to being with.  It isn’t my fault that the Republican elite is praying – and scheming – for an economic downturn right before the next election.  It isn’t my fault that the GOP strategists decided it was a good idea to spread rumors that Obama was born in Kenya and pander to bigotry by spreading the rumor that Obama is Muslim (or “muslin” as they say in the deep red states).

All they had to do was run on Obama’s record – which is really, really bad, – and give us a viable alternative.  It isn’t my fault they decided to focus on something else.

I feel bad I cannot vote for Romney. All I am doing is pursing my personal best interests. That is all any American voter should be expected to do. And that is why Romney will lose.

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UPDATE:  The latest employment figures were disappointing: unemployment dropped, but the number of jobs created was lower thane expected.  

Romney wins in November!!!

SHADOWS OF NOVEMBER

We Americans find ourselves at the beginning of the end of a presidential election cycle.  Historians will look back and note this election as the national election where the Republican Party – or the Grand Old Party (GOP) – ended its run as a national political party.

The following three images are only a few that are flying through cyberspace from computer to computer, in and out of the minds of voters:

and…

and…

The moment the Republican dominated legislature of the Great State of Virginia attempted to pass a law requiring women who want an abortion to have a “trans vaginal ultrasound” prior to the abortion – which, essentially, requires a doctor to shove big stick up into the vaginas of women wanting an abortion (the procedure provides no medical benefit to the woman whatsoever) – those “conservative” morons altered the history of the world.

American women feel that the GOP is waging a war on them, and women are fighting back by turning away from the GOP.  

The GOP alienated homosexuals. No big deal: there are not a lot of them.

The GOP alienated Hispanics. No big deal: they are still in the minority and do not affect the crucial “swing states” the GOP must win to unseat Obama.

The GOP alienated educated people.  No big deal: they won’t vote Republican anyway, and demonizing educated people – like “scientists” – panders to the barely literate, unwashed, Bible thumping, reactionary mass that is now the Republican base.

When the GOP decided to wage a war against women, you know those back-water, red neck, social conservatives thought “no big deal: wives and daughters will do what they are told and women aren’t that smart anyway.”

Big mistake.  Big, big, mistake. The GOP has alienated the key political demographic they need to retake the White House. 

The irony is that educated people would not have made that mistake.

Goodbye, GOP. You will never recover from November 2012.

And good riddance. We moderate, educated Republicans need something a little less stupid to represent us.

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WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Married to the Sea

For the second time, Married to the Sea/is my website of the week.

Married to the Sea/takes public domain drawings and cartoons and pairs them with funny captions.  This is the most recent one they’ve posted:

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Click on Image to Enlarge

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Married to the Sea/features a new drawing every day and has a large archive of past posting.  I highly recommend it to you.

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Headline – Newt Gingrich surges

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I certainly hope he cleans up after himself.

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HEADLINE – Romney Surrogate: Electability Should Trump ‘Beliefs and Principles’

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MUNCIE, Indiana - A New Hampshire surrogate for Mitt Romney said at a local political event that it’s evident he will be the Republican presidential nominee and suggested that “beliefs and principles” should not be the deciding factor for voters. 

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State Sen. Gary Lambert said the most important thing is to nominate somebody who can defeat President Obama.

Senator Gary Lambert

“This is not about picking a favorite, it’s not about picking someone you like,” Lambert said. “It’s not about picking someone even with your own beliefs and principles.  This is about choosing the candidate with the best chance of getting that negro out of the White House,” Lambert concluded.

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 “We also have to make damned sure it never happens again,” Lambert added. “That’s why Republicans in the House of Representatives and the Senate in Washington refuse to vote for anything Obama proposes,” Lambert explained. “Sure, it means nothing can get done and it means our nation is going down the toilet, but that is a small price to pay to get that negro out of the White House.  We need to punish the American people so severely that they will never, ever elect one again,” Lambert said.

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“Sure, Rick Santorum has remained true to his beliefs and to conservative principals, and it is true that Santorum’s principals and beliefs are the same as the vast majority of Republicans out there,” Lambert said.

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Santorum

“But there is no way the American people will elect a religious fanatic/bigot. There is just no way. But they might elect Mitt Romney, a guy who has no moral values, who says whatever he thinks his audience wants to hear, and who changes his opinion from second to second.

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Snap that rubber glove! Snap it good!

And that’s why Republicans just have to hold their nose and vote for Romney – because he is our best hope of getting that awful negro out of the White House,” Lambert said. ” It is the “White” House, for Christ’s sake.”

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“Even though Mitt Romney isn’t the perfect candidate, he still has the best chance of beating Obama, and that is why I endorse Romney and urge all white people to vote for him,” Lambert concluded before running off into the darkness.

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WEBSITE OF THE WEEK – Goths in Trees

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I don’t have the words to go beyond what you will see and read when you click on the following link:

http://gothsuptrees.tumblr.com/ 

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WONDERFUL NEWS!!!

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HEADLINE – Sheen Goddess admits not knowing how to spell “Goddess”

Bree Olson

FRESNO, California – Former porn star Bree Olson, one of Charlie Sheen’s “Goddesses,” admitted today she doesn’t know how to spell Goddess. 

“For the life of me I thought it was spelled “Godess,” said Olson.

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HEADLINE – Scarlett Johansson Opens Up about Divorce

MUNCIE, Indiana – Actress Scarlett Johansson is finally opening up about her divorce from Ryan Reynolds, which was finalized this past June.

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In a candid interview with German magazine GALA, the usually tight-lipped star revealed what caused her marriage’s demise. “I can be overcritical. And I don’t compromise,” she said. “I pass judgment on people quite quickly. If I don’t agree with someone or if I’m annoyed I will tell people to their face — no matter how hurtful that might be.”

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“In other words, Ryan left her because she is a total bitch,” an anonymous source summarized.

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Ryan Reynolds had no comment. Friends say he is in seclusion and receiving counseling from Fisher Stevens.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/14/scarlett-johansson-divorce_n_1011485.html

HEADLINE – Bachmann Takes Break From Campaign

MUNCIE, Indiana – Tea Party darling Michelle Bachmann took time off from her presidential campaign to relax by strolling through a meat locker.

“Nothing clears my head and makes me feel more confident in God’s great plan for me than spending time with a bunch of hanging carcasses,” Bachmann said as she walked among dead cows waiting to be  butchered at the Acme International Meat Processing plant just outside of Muncie.

“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” quipped convicted serial killer, Charles Manson, from his cell in Folsom Prision.

HEADLINE – Skydiving quadriplegic plunges to death in Montana

SALMON, Idaho (Ass. Press) – A quadriplegic skydiver plunged 18,000 feet to his death because he was unable to manually deploy his parachute, authorities said on Monday.

Zack Fogle, 27, died Saturday afternoon just minutes after he was tossed from an airplane during a celebrated skydiving event in northwest Montana that drew scores of Montana parachutists, said Flathead County Undersheriff Skip Henderson.

Fogle’s physical disability likely interfered with his ability to activate his primary parachute. “He hit the ground from a fall estimated at 120 miles per hour,” Henderson said.

“Falling at that speed, he probably left a sizable impact crater,” Henderson added.

An examination of Fogle’s equipment showed no malfunctions, suggesting the skydiver inexplicably failed to reach up and pull the cord to deploy his parachute.

Skydivers can manually deploy reserve chutes mid-fall, but physical challenges probably resulting from being paralyzed from the neck down likely prevented Fogle from taking advantage of what is considered a last-ditch but fail-safe practice, said Henderson, a licensed pilot..

A Montana State police investigation is under way and will likely take weeks, agency spokesman Allen Whiteman said Monday.

According to the Montana Parachute Association, improvements in skydiving equipment and training are credited for an overall decline in Montana skydiving deaths, which are the highest in the nation. However, the rate of skydiver accidental and unforeseeable deaths among quadriplegics - paralyzed from the neck down - who cannot, for some reason, deploy their parachutes, is rising, but is expected to improve as Montana’s supply of quadriplegic skydivers declines.

“This is a problem that will, essentially, fix itself, given enough time,” Whiteman said.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/01/skydiving-quadriplegic-pl_n_915737.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl2%7Csec3_lnk2%7C82987

BOEHNER POINTS THE FINGER

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INTERVIEW WITH JOHN BOEHNER

John Boehner

[House Speaker John Boehner walked away from negotiations Friday, complaining that President Obama would not agree to Republican demands that the deal not include any tax increases and that the US budget must be balanced solely through draconian spending and program cuts.

In this frankly fictitious interview, Boehner explains why the Republican Caucus in the House of Representatives rejects President Obama’s “Grand Compromise” offer to cut 4 trillion dollars from the US budget through a combination of spending cuts and tax increases.]

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Speaker Boehner, thank you for agreeing to talk with us today.

BOEHNER:  It’s my pleasure, Paul. No one reads your blog, so I can say anything I want and it won’t make any difference to me politically.

POE:  Well, fuck you, too, Mr. Speaker.

BOEHNER:  Call me John.  And I am willing to bet that, if the world economy collapses because House republicans refuse to allow the debt ceiling to be raised, that the American people will blame it on Obama and, as a result, he won’t get a second term as president!

POE:  So House Republicans are willing to let the American economy collapse in order to keep President Obama from being reelected?

BOEHNER:  Hold on a minute, Paul. No one believes that the failure to raise the debt limit will have any economic consequences.

POE: The President believes it.

BOEHNER:  Empty words. No one believes him.

POE:  Secretary of the US Treasure Timothy Geithner and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke believe that the failure to raise the debt limit will be catastrophic.

BOEHNER:  No one believes them, either.

POE:  And every economist in the world agrees with the President, Geithner and Bernanke.

BOEHNER:  So? No one believes them, either.

POE: Who do you believe?

BOEHNER:  I believe my constitutents.

POE:  The people who voted for you?

BOEHNER:  Yep.

POE:  Are any of them economists?

BOEHNER:  Heck no. Most of them can’t read.

POE:  Let me ask you this question: let’s say you want to know if your heart is diseased and whether you need surgery. Would you seek the advice of an experienced doctor or would you go out into the hall and ask a bunch of strangers to decide whether you need surgery?

BOEHNER:  I would ask my doctor, of course.  Surgery is complex. I want someone trained and experienced to do the job.

POE:  But you don’t want the advice of people trained and experienced in economics?

BOEHNER:  I don’t see what you are getting at, Paul.

POE:  Let’s move on.  John, why has the Republican Caucus that you lead rejected the President’s offer to balance the federal budget by cutting out 4 trillion dollars in spending?

BOEHNER:  That’s not entirely true. We didn’t reject the president’s offer.

POE: I don’t understand.

BOEHNER: As you know, the Democrats are against spending cuts and the Republicans are against tax increases.  The President proposes a compromise where spending cuts are paired with tax increases, mostly on the wealthiest Americans, resulting in a balanced budget over time.

POE:  That’s the offer I thought you rejected.

BOEHNER:  No, as I said, that’s not true. We decided to split the difference between the two sides, to meet in the middle.  We agreed to the program cuts but rejected the tax increases.

POE: That sounds like you rejected the President’s offer of compromise.

BOEHNER:  You’re looking at it the wrong way, Paul. We didn’t reject the whole offer – we accepted our half of it and rejected the President’s half.  Let me put it in language someone like you can understand.  We can save 4 trillion dollars doing what we all want or we can save 2 trillion doing only what the Republicans want. That is the very definition of compromise. Problem solved!  High five!

POE: No, that isn’t a compromise.

BOEHNER: Okay, let me put it another way.  Let’s say you and I owe the bank 4 thousand dollars.  You have a ring worth 2 thousand and I have a boat worth 2 thousand. We can sell both the boat and the ring and pay off the whole debt, or we can sell your stuff and pay off half. That way we solve half of the problem, you pay the whole price for the deal and I lose nothing. Doesn’t that sound reasonable?

POE:  No. It doesn’t sound reasonable.

BOEHNER:  Okay, let’s look at it another way. Let’s say I have a gun and put it to your head and tell you to give me all your money or else I will kill your family. What would you do?

POE: I would give you all my money.

BOEHNER: Exactly! Now substitute you with President Obama, substitute me holding a gun to your head with the House Republicans threatening to push America into default by refusing to allow the debt limit to be raised, and substitute your family with the American people.  See how it works?  The President really has no choice but to accept the House Republican’s compromise offer.

POE: You mean do what I say or I will kill your family?

BOEHNER: Yes. We can’t figure out why the President doesn’t understand.

POE:  That is blackmail. It isn’t a compromise.

BOEHNER:  You clearly know nothing of compromise, Paul.

POE:  Maybe not, but Benjamin Franklin did.  When the first Americans were working on a constitution and bill of rights and were deadlocked on some issue, Franklin advised deadlocked groups to give up a little in order to reach an agreement.

BOEHNER:  Didn’t Franklin ride around on a horse ringing a bell warning the British that the Americans were coming to protect their right to own guns?

POE: No.  No one did that.

BOEHNER:  Are you sure?

POE: Very.

BOEHNER: But I thought I heard Sarah Palin say that, and she is one of our leading authorities on American History.

POE: Well, she got this one wrong.

BOEHNER: Have you checked with Michelle Bachmann? She knows a lot of history and stuff, too, especially stuff about the founding fathers.

POE:  Franklin was a founding father.

BOEHNER:  Really?

POE: Yes. Really.

BOEHNER:   I have my doubts. If Franklin said that then he sounds like a socialist and all of the founding fathers were rich capitalists who never gave up and never surrendered and never compromised. That’s what made them great.

POE:  I mean no disrespect, Congressman, but I think you have your head up your ass.  And if  the congress you lead continues playing chicken with the American economy, threatening it with ruin unless you get your way, then we, the American people, are going to blame it on you and those House Republicans who, like you, have their heads up their ass so deep that they don’t care that they are playing Russian Roulette with the American economy.

Obama is offering unprecedented spending cuts. We can compromise on comparatively small tax increases in order to obtain the greater good.  We need spending cuts, but it can be gradual. It doesn’t need to be sudden and disruptive. Like it or not, millions of Americans depend on these programs, and it will take time for them and their families to adjust to spending cuts.  You should know this. You should accept this. But you don’t. You are willing to play chicken with my son’s future, with all of our children’s futures.  So let me say it again, if your your failure to get control of the Republican lunatic fringe causes my IRA retirement account to tank or otherwise puts our already fragile economy deeper in the hole, then we, the American people will hunt you, and your Tea Party cronies, down like the animals that you are. Mark my words. And moderate conservative Republicans like me will be leading the mob.

We have an opportunity to fix a problem that you and your generation of political hacks created when you decided to increase spending, lower tax income and then borrowing money to make up the difference to run the government. You’ve waged two wars on borrowed money.  That was just plain stupid. But it has been done. Now that the check has come due for the meal you and your buddies gorged yourselves on, you cannot refuse to pay the bill.  

 You seem only to care who gets the blame for your failure to lead.  Mark my words, you will get the blame, not Obama. You.  He is willing to meet you in the middle, and then some. You need to give up a bit to reach a compromise that will be the first very big step to fixing what you and those like you broke in the fSo fix this. Accept a deal that provides for spending cuts and increased revenues.  This is how to balance the budget you broke. Do it, and do it soon, or else face the unpleasant consequences of very, very angry Americans.

HEADLINE – Binge drinking impairs memory in women

They won't remember a thing.

MUNCIE – A study of the affects of alcohol on women concludes that the more the average woman drinks the less she will remember the events leading up to the drinking and those events that occur shortly after becoming drunk.

“Isn’t that the point of plying women with alcohol?” asks Chip Henderson, President of the Alpha Comma Moe fraternity in Chico, California.

The study was financed by the Richard Wood Johnson Foundation and published in the Journal of Things Everyone Knows, which can be found at http://www.duh.edu.

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SOURSE:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-14154404

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SUCH A DEAL

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This is a real advertisement I found on the internet. I bet lots and lots of people jumped at the opportunity for such big savings.

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HEADLINE – Man accused of sexually assaulting unconscious woman on sidewalk

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Sometimes, a news story is just too – special – to even attempt altering.  This is one:

http://www.kansascity.com/man-accused-h

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The excuse he offers in the last sentence of the first paragraph doesn’t help rectify his situation.  It may be an explanation, but it is hardly an exculpatory or even mitigating excuse.

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HEADLINE – Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces

TOKYO - Mitsuyuki Ikeda, a researcher from the Okayama Laboratory, has developed steaks based on proteins from human excrement. 

“The process is very complex and expensive,” Ikeda explained. “The result is definitely edible. The problem is that it tastes like shit.”

“That tsunami really messed those people up,” said Evan Boylan, a student at Illinois State University, upon learned of the Japanese excrement-to-meat scientific breakthrough.

“That’s worse than f**king Soylent Green,” Boylan added.

SOURCE: http://japanesescientistscreatesmeatoutoffeces-

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HEADLINE – Radio host says Rapture actually coming in October

OAKLAND, Calif. – California preacher Harold Camping said Monday his prophecy that the world would end was off by five months because Judgment Day actually will come on Oct. 21.

 

“When I was making my mathematical calculation, I inadvertently forgot to carry the 2,” Camping admitted. “Next time I will double check my math,” he promised.

 

“But there won’t be a next time because this time I am absolutely certain that the world is going to end on October 21,” Camping insisted.

 

When the Rapture didn’t arrive Saturday, crestfallen followers began turning their attention to more earthly concerns.

 

John Biberson had figured the gas money he spent driving back and forth from Long Island to New York City would be worth it, as long as people could see the ominous five foot neon sign atop his car warning that the End of the World was nigh.

 

“I’ve been mocked and scoffed and cursed at and I’ve been through a lot with this lighted sign on top of my car,” said Biberson, 49, a former television producer. “I was doing what I’ve been instructed to do through the Bible, but now I’ve been stymied. It’s like getting slapped in the face. Thanks a lot, God. Thanks for making me waste $20,000 on that sign,” he said.

 

“No one warned me that God could be such a jerk,” he said.  “A loving, all seeing, all knowing God would have ended the world so that I could avoid looking foolish,” a very bitter Biberson concluded.

Source:  http://news.yahoo.com/ 5

HEADLINE – PR campaign for the apocalypse seems to be working

Heaven is apparently going to be minority-free.

MUNCIE –  Evangelical American Christians are not satisfied predicting the end of the world. So they hired a public relations firm to convince the rest of the world that the end is near.

 “More people than ever before are open to the idea of the End of Days,” says Ralf Rabinowitz, Chief Account Executive at Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz & Murphy, one of the world’s top PR firms with corporate offices headquartered in New York City.

Ralf Rabinowi

 “We started with some catchy slogans,” said Rabinowitz. “ ‘The apocalypse is great!’ has appeared on bill boards everywhere in five languages. ‘Capture the Rapture’ was my own idea,” Rabinowitz continued.

 It seems to be working.

 “If you asked me how I felt about the end of the world a year ago, I would have been skeptical,” said Phil Henderson of Fort Wayne, New Jersey. “But now I feel, what the hell, why not?”

 

Phil Henderson

“As long as I am among those who are yanked up to heaven when the rapture comes, then I am for it,” said Samantha Dunning of Mar Vista, California. “Everyone else can just go to hell. Literally.”

Samantha Dunning (right)

 Evangelical churches have poured millions of dollars into the PR campaign to convince non believers that the end is near.

 “It’s good for business,” said Harold Camping, an evangelical radio preacher who has predicted the end of the world six times in the last 20 years. “As long as the money keeps rolling in, I plan on keep predicting Doomsday.”

Harold Camping

Camping owns a corporation that manufactures the materials used to make signs announcing the end of the world.

Cha – ching!

 Source: http:// pr-campaign-for-the-apocalypse-seems-to-be-working

Racist Christians are in for a surprise.

HEADLINE – Trump takes credit for bin Laden death

Donald Trump

MUNCIE – Real estate mogul and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump took credit tonight for Osama bin Laden’s death.

“I am very proud of the fact that, by forcing the President to produce his birth certificate, that the President was finally able to concentrate and put the time and effort into apprehending and killing that bin Laden guy,” said Trump in New York tonight.

“It is no coincidence that bin Laden was killed right after the President produced the long form of his birth certificate, which I made him do,” Trump said.

Trump recently announced that he will seek the presidency after his television show “Celebrity Apprentice” concludes.

An anonymous source within the White House confirmed that, when President Obama learned of Trump’s decision, the President smiled, said “excellent” and began stroking a Persian cat sitting on the President’s lap.

Representatives of the GOP were not available for comment.