PEOPLE OF EARTH has been granted a preview of James Cameron’s new film Avatar, the first block buster, high budget studio film shot in 3D.

James Cameron

Cameron’s prior films –  including Terminator, Aliens, the Abyss and True Lies – have been some of the biggest money making movies in cinematic history.  His prior film, Titanic, remains the largest grossing film of all time, earning a mind-boggling $2.8 billion.

Made a lot of money.

POE was offered a sneak preview of Avatar on the condition that no “spoilers” were provided to POE’s readers.  So I won’t be describing the film’s plot or revealing the surprise Hollywood dance routine ending, so I will restrict my review to one subject:

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Space Chicks, man!  This movie is all about Space Chicks!

Alien Space Chicks with tails!

So, go for the 3D.  Stay for the Space Chicks.

And for you ladies out there who, perhaps, are not as interested in Space Chicks, this film – like so many of Cameron’s prior films – is all about relationships – which makes it a chick flick.

A chick flick with Space Chicks!  What on earth could be better?

I am a negotiator by profession.  I lecture and write on the subject.

Don’t be too impressed. It isn’t complex. The basis for all negotiations is:

1. someone – let’s call him “Ted” – wants something someone else (let’s call him “Raool”) has.

2. In order to persuade Raool to give Ted what Raool has but Ted wants, Ted has to do one of two things:

   A.  offer Raool something Raool knows Raool wants; or

   B.  educate Raool that Raool wants/needs something Ted has that Raool didn’t realize Raool wants or needs.

If you have these things, you end up with a successful negotiation that results in a deal.

It is the same whether you are looking at negotiations between individuals, groups, businesses or nations.

And that’s what bothers me about the Afghan War.  To me it is inconceivable that the United States is fighting this war virtually alone when it could very easily negotiate a deal with lots of other countries to help finance and even fight that war.

Let me show you how easy it should be.  Many, many nations want to begin a process that will reduce global consumption of fossil fuels and maybe –just maybe – help avoid aggravating the affects of global climate change.

I am not interested in debating whether or not humans are responsible for climate change or even if it is happening at all.  What matters is that lots of countries – especially the ones prone to flooding if sea levels rise, or the ones prone to famine from loss of rainfall due to shifting weather patterns – really, really want the United States to cooperate with efforts to cut back on greenhouse gases.  That’s what they want – and they want it bad.

So, it looks like a deal can be made.  They want something that they can’t get done without US cooperation (movement towards a global effort to limit greenhouse gases) and the US wants something (troops and money for Afghanistan).

So why is the United States making noises like it is going to cooperate with an international plan to begin to address the climate change issue without an agreement for troops and/or cash for Afghanistan from the countries that most want and need the US to cooperate in an international effort to combat climate change?

It simply makes no sense. To me.

But it isn’t too late.  President Obama, listen to Professor Boylan: don’t give anything away without getting something back for it.  And do not agree to anything on climate change treaties or legislation without getting troops and money to help fight and finance the Afghan war.

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[People of Earth was the first to sit down with President Barak Obama to discuss his long-awaited speech setting a new policy for the Afghan War.  This is part of that interview.]

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POE:  Mr. President, even leading Democrats are critical of your presidency.  They point out that you campaigned on change, but very little has changed. They say you promised to repair the U.S. economy.

POE:  But more and more people are losing their jobs -

POE:  - while the fat cats on Wall Street get richer and richer.

POE:  Our health care system is on the brink of collapse -

Sick Americans without health insurance waiting to see a doctor.

POE:  - yet you seem unable to pass a health care reform bill.

POE:  Finally, your critics point out that there is a horrible irony in your being a Nobel Peace Prize recipient who just escalated the Afghan War by deploying thirty thousand more soldiers.

POE:  Mr. President, how do you explain all of this?

OBAMA:  Well, Paul, its very simple.  When I ran for president, I had ideals and promised a lot of things. But when I got to the Oval Office I found a big pile of shit waiting for me that I didn’t know about but everybody expects me to clean up.

POE:  Oh.  Well, can’t argue with that.

OBAMA:  Let’s look at this another way.  Let’s say that the Oval Office is an apartment, the American people are the landlord, the Bush Administration was the prior tenant and my administration is the new tenant who just moved in.

POE:  Okay. Let’s say that.

OBAMA:  Well, when I moved in I found out that the former tenants trashed the place. They ripped up the carpet, they stuffed up the toilet, stole the plumbing fixtures, didn’t pay the rent and left a huge steaming pile of shit in the middle of the living room.

POE:  You know, something like that happened to me once.

OBAMA:  Yeah, but did the landlord insist that you fix up and clean the and pay the former tenants rent?

POE:  No.

OBAMA:  Well, my landlord not only wants me to fix what I didn’t break and clean up a mess I didn’t make, but they are damned angry I haven’t done it yet.

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OBAMA:  You wouldn’t believe the mess I found. I am afraid to open up any closets or drawers.  I opened up this one drawer in my desk and found a few papers about Afghanistan and about a hundred over due Blockbuster rentals.  And a bunch of candy wrappers. In another drawer I found a bunch of comic books, a pamphlet on how to steal cable television, and a note that said “Hey, Obama, go look in the closet.”

POE:  What was in there?

OBAMA:  I haven’t looked yet.

POE:  Your landlord/tenant analogy is appealing -

OBAMA:  Thank you.

POE: – but it doesn’t explain or even excuse your apparent failure to make any meaningful changes to anything.

OBAMA:  You’re right. And there is no excuse. But I do have an explanation. It turns out I can’t really change anything without help and cooperation from the people in the Senate and House of Representatives.  When I ran for office and made all those promises to change things and said “yes we can” I had no idea that everyone in the Senate and House of Representatives are either stupid or crazy.

When I got elected, Pelosi and Reid offered to draft a health care reform bill. I said okay.  It seemed simple. All we needed was a law that would allow Americans to take their insurance with them when they moved from job to job and prevent insurers from canceling insurance after people got sick.

POE:  Sounds simple.

OBAMA:  Yeah, but did you see the bill they wrote? It is a thousand pages filled with crazy shit. I made a huge mistake relying on crazy people.

POE:  So how do you view your political future?

OBAMA:  When I took this job, America was fighting two wars that cannot be won and our economy was crashing and burning.  The pile of shit I’ve inherited is so huge that the only thing I can do, at best, is try to keep it from getting worse. And, frankly, I’m not sure I or anyone can do that.

POE:  So you anticipate being a one term president?

OBAMA:  Yep, that’s what I’m saying.

"Hey! Guess who they're gonna blame for ALL my mistakes? Yeah! The black guy!"

Iran President’s penis “incredibly small”

By RHAPPI KANASTA  (Ass.Press) – 6 hours ago

NEW YORK — An official of the United Nations announced that U.N. inspectors have determined that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s penis is barely visible.

“Some members of the inspection team argue that it doesn’t even exist,”  said Hans Schlimmer, U.N. Head Inspector. “But proper diplomacy requires that we give any Head of State the benefit of the doubt,” Schlimmer said.

The existence of Ahmadinejad’s genitalia came into question when Hans Blix, former head of the United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission commented “this guy is totally dickless” after meeting with Ahmadinejad in 2004.

“If true, it certainly would explain a lot,” said Martha Hemeker, psychologist and expert in sexual dysfunctions. “He does seem to be compensating for something,”Hemeker concluded.

Many of you know, I am an ambivalent American.  I am educated enough to see the apocalypse looming, but not powerful or skilled enough to do anything to stop it.  I see myself perched on the edge of the precipice watching the decline of the American Empire and view my function little different from  a biologist I met who devotes his life to assembling statistics dealing with frog species extinction, realizing that his purpose is to “memorialize the decline” of the earth’s ecosystem.

And when it all seems darkest, then comes American Thanksgiving, the Great American Feast Day, and I remember. I remember where we came from. I remember who we are.  I remember our promise.

More to follow.

First, before I begin, I just want to say that, as I type this, I am listening to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance and loving it.

I haven’t decided yet if the images she crafts are parody and/or satire.  However, even if her visual marketing is a bit repulsive, her music is unexpectedly very good.

Second, I want to mention Sarah Palin.

Her mere mention in this blog boosts my traffic tremendously.  Palin is at the heart of many google searches that lead the hapless, and unsuspecting, Internet surfer to this page – second only to searches for smiley faces.

Don’t ask me why, but thousands upon thousands of you out there access this blog using terms like “smiley,” “smiley face,” “smily face,” “evil smiley” and “evil smiley face.” If you are reading this, then the odds are you got here looking for an evil smiley face.

As for you who out there who found my page using google searches centering on Sarah Palin – and there are more of you every day –  please take my word for it that you won’t find any nude pictures of Palin here.

Not "nude" per se.

Nor will you find any photos or discussions or any jokes even remotely related to any of the following apparently popular search terms:

Sarah Palin feet

Sarah Palin feets

Sarah Palin shoes

Sarah Palin Girl Scout

Sarah Palin Girl Scout Hat

Sarah Palin bullet bra

Sarah Palin donkey

Sarah Palin naughty nurse

Sarah Palin dog collar

Sarah Palin smoking

Sarah Palin smoking cigarettes

Sarah Palin cheerleader

Sarah Palin cheer leader

Sarah Palin dominatrix

Sarah Palin dominetrix

Sarah Palin dominutrix

Sarah Palin Navajo sweat lodge

Sarah Palin sweet lodge

Sarah Palin colonoscopy

Sarah Palin nasal passage

Sarah Palin sexy

Sarah Palin sexy cyborg

These are not all of the search terms related to Sarah Palin that have lead people to this blog, but they are some of the most troubling ones.

Who are you people? Do you live anywhere near me? Because if you do, I am moving the hell away.  ”Sarah Palin nasal passage?” “Sarah Palin sexy cyborg?”  What on earth is going on?  Are you out of your piggy little minds?

Look, let’s cut to the chase: if photos of anything even remotely related to any of those search terms existed, then I would have posted them. But there aren’t any – at least not yet.  I fully expect that, once her political star sinks, as it surely will, she will attempt to cash in on her name and reignite her celebrity by “accidentally” posting a sex tape or nude pics the way Carrie Prejean did.

Just jam-packed with irony, both actual and potential.

The lure of easy money is the greatest weakness from which white trash suffers.

Just oozing with greed and white trash hubris.

I am utterly convinced that the continuing revelations about Carrie Prejean’s multiple sex tapes (self-shot) and porno pics are part of a liberal conspiracy to discredit attractive but stupid right wing ultra Christian women who hate homosexuals.

But I digress.  I am really here to talk about Stargate Universe. I am a new participant on a blog hosted by the Brisbane Times and authored by John Birmingham, author of Without Warning and the Axis of Time series – all of which I enjoyed, have reread and highly recommend.

John’s blog is called The Geek and you can find it by going here. The Geek is devoted to issues designed to appeal to everyone’s inner nerd – i.e., questions centering on computers, technology and, lately, science fiction.  If you want to see what the Geek is all about, just sample the sparkling discussion by clicking here.

John Birmingham and premier tech geek and author, Orin Thomas.

Most recently in the Geek the Geek John has expressed his appreciation for Stargate Universe, a new series on the SyFi cable network.  Thus far I’ve based my criticism on the show’s lack of sexy space chicks.

Not appearing on Stargate Universe

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Also not appearing on Stargate Universe

But John’s recent opinion, the comments from some of his regular visitors, and the undeniable fact that the last SG-U episode was really very good, has forced me to get serious and explain why I am critical of the show.  What follows expands on the comment I left at the Geek.

To better explain why I haven’t liked SG-U until this last episode requires a short history of popular science fiction. In the beginning, science fiction was part of “high culture,” written by amazingly proficient writers like Mary Shelley, Jules Verne, Edwin Abbott Abbott and H.G. Wells (“the Early Masters”).

H.G. Wells. Wrote Sci Fi to meet women.

It wasn’t even called science fiction; it was, instead, referred to as  “scientific romance.” Then, in the late 1920’s in New York City, science fiction crept into pulp magazines and became popularized.  Lots of people read it, but, as literature, it was rubbish and even the best SF writers were, compared with the Early Masters, uneducated amateur hacks. But, like circus geeks who dream of playing Carnegie Hall, these pulp fiction hacks dreamed of critical recognition.

She considered herself an artist.

This desire for critical recognition for science fiction started a slow climb towards legitimacy – which required writers to display proficiency as well as imagination. Harlan Ellison was and still is part of this effort.

Harlan was a pensive young dude.

Unlike most science fiction writers of his time, Ellison began his career writing in the mainstream. In the 1950’s he wrote about youth gangs. In the 1960’s he wrote erotica.  In the 1960’s he began selling scripts for science fiction television programs like Star Trek and The Outer Limits.  These scripts were remarkably well written (Star Trek – The City on the Edge of Forever; The Outer Limits – Demon With the Glass Hand) and stood out as perhaps the best episodes of those series, garnering legitimate critical acclaim.

Ultra cool.

In the 1970’s Ellison became one of the leaders in the movement to legitimize science fiction. His own stories injected more mature themes into the genre – resulting in critical and commercial success.  His short story A Boy and His Dog – culminating with the hero and his pet eating the heroine – was produced as a movie.

Ellison’s efforts to improve science fiction were inventive.  Way before the rest of the world became aware how language colors perception, Ellison attempted to remove the stigma associated with science fiction by insisting I be referred to only as “speculative fiction.”

Ellison was part of a movement that raised the bar on what to expect from science fiction.  These efforts brought big benefits:  over the years that followed, Sci Fi writers slowly died out and have been replaced by writers who incidentally employ science fiction concepts and constructs.  This is not a trivial change.  Writers today – such as John Birmingham – are writers first, serious about the craft of writing. Science fiction concepts and constructs are devices used to help tell the story.

Before the reform movement described above, it used to be the other way around: science fiction concepts and constructs took precedent over story. For example, more often than not, any given science fiction story focused on space ships, ray guns and, yes, space chicks.

Adolescent geek wish fulfillment realized.

The story itself was incidental to these factors. So now we come to Stargate Universe.  This new program results from the desire to legitimize science fiction and focus on story and not on ray guns or space chicks.

That is SG-U’s strength, but it is also its weakness, because, in their efforts to inject real drama into science fiction, the SG-U writers and producers have forgotten who their audience is.

There is nothing wrong with well-written drama. What I saw last night on SG-U wasn’t melodramatic and wasn’t soap opera.  It was well written, well directed drama.  But those responsible for SG-U have forgotten that guys who grew up thrilled by space chicks and space battles make up SG-U’s audience.

Not a space chick, but she played one on TV.

Even the recent reinvention of Battlestar Galactica sprinkled amazing drama with the occasional amazing space battle – AND it included the occasional space chick.

That’s what kept us watching our television screens while really well written, well acted and well-directed drama took place.

Bertolt Brecht believed that literature and art should educate the viewer.  I believe that SG-U’s writers and producers are trying to educate the fan boys into appreciating drama. Or they have decided that BSG did the educating and now was the time to make the final transition from pop culture back to high culture. Either way, those responsible for SG-U were and are wrong.  The fan boys still want space battles and space chicks.  Drama is fine – especially if it is well written – but please remember who your audience is.  BSG succeeded because it emphasized story but never became dull.  You can do it, too.

Remember your audience.

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By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass.Press Reporter

40 mins ago

NEW YORK – Two fingers and a tooth removed from Galileo Galilei’s corpse in a Florentine basilica in the 18th century and given up for lost have been found again and will soon be put on display, an Italian museum director said Friday.

“We looked everywhere for those fingers and that tooth,” said Giuseppe Garibaldi, curator of the International Museum of Fingers, Toes and Teeth, in New York City.  ”Now if only we can find Galileo’s toes, then our collection will again be complete,”  Garibaldi said.

Misplaced for years, Galileo’s fingers and tooth were found by a cleaning lady in a small paper bag within the museum exhibit displaying  Michelangelo’s fingers, toes and teeth.

“Once we realized Galileo’s fingers, toes and almost all of his teeth were missing, we snapped into action,” said  Frankie “Nine Fingers” Tartaglia, museum janitor and part time anthropologist. “We even looked through the fingers, toes and teeth of other famous people,  like Richard Nixon, Albert Einstein – even Milton Berle. This museum has some of the fingers, toes and/or teeth from everybody who was anybody.  So you can imagine our chagrin when Galileo’s toes, fingers and one of his teeth went missing,”  Tartaglia said.

“We will be more careful this time,” Garibaldi said.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gRS62d-Qje8wzCER846eqN6krsOwD9C3GVCO0

It’s hypnotic….

[Reprinted with permission of the Sacramento Valley Mirror, where this article first appeared.]

As some of you may have noticed, this column has been missing from you local newspaper for the last few months.  Let me tell you why.

I’ve spent my time away trying to put my life in perspective.  I am at that age when the days ahead are fated to be fewer than the days behind.

Younger men don’t worry about time running out.  Boys are always blind to their own mortality and, as a consequence, they rarely think ahead.  Deep down, young men just don’t believe they are ever going to die, and so they live from day to day, moment to moment. They drive fast, live fast, and – like my son – waste huge amounts of time playing video games instead of looking for a job.

But the older a man get, the more he begins to see the world differently.  He tends to begin slowing down when he drives because he knows how easy and suddenly it can all end.  And, more often than not, he begins leaving the turn signal on.

And even if he remembers to turn the turn signal off, he cannot help but realize his time on this earth is limited.  He begins to see himself as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, trapped in the Wicked Witch’s castle as the sands within the big hourglass slowly run out.

Okay, not exactly like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.  Older men don’t see themselves as teenage girls.  Some may, but I truly believe that most do not.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with it.  If a guy wants to be a teenage girl from Kansas that’s his business.  But, if so, I certainly hope he keeps it to himself.  Don’t ask, don’t tell. That’s my motto when it comes to such things.

The less said about it the better.

I admit I am being a bit selfish in not wanting to hear about any Dorothy fantasies, but I have enough problems dealing with a sudden sense of encroaching mortality to manage the social awkwardness that would surely follow if any guy I know tells me in confidence that he wishes he was a girl from Kansas who befriended a talking scare crow, a lion and a tin woodsman, whatever that is.  I mean, really, what IS a tin woodsman?  Ever see one?  Not me.

But I digress.  The point is that the older a man gets, the more he sees the days of his life as sands running through an hourglass.  And that is what happened to me.

So as I enter the last phase of my time on this planet, I spent some of that time reevaluating how I spend my time.  After careful reflection, I concluded I use my time poorly – especially the time I spend writing.

Most of what I write is, in all honesty, kind of silly.  For example, just look at my most recent article about homosexuals. Who really cares which homosexuals I favor and which ones I disapprove of – like that awful Rosie O’Donnell?  I mean, seriously, Rosie O’Donnell’s celebrity and resulting wealth is proof that there is something fundamentally wrong with the universe.

Rosie O’Donnell’s mere existence causes me to ask questions I never, ever asked before. Every time I see or hear Rosie O’Donnell I ask myself “what kind of a God would shape reality to include Rosie O’Donnell?  Can a truly loving God do such a thing?  And if so, why?  Why would the Ruler of the Universe say to himself  “I, the Creator of Everything, the Prime Mover, have decided to begin a chain of events that will result in the rise of a really, really annoying lesbian who will, in addition to being fat will also be a slob, and yea, verily, she will have her own talk show.”

I just can’t accept that God would do such a thing. The very concept of Rosie O’Donnell has upset me so much that, out of spiritual desperation, I consulted with my priest, Father Stavros.  I asked him “Father, if God loves us so, why did God send Rosie O’Donnell to live among us?”

Father Stavros is a wise, old man with a long beard and a funny hat.  Well, it looks funny if you aren’t Greek Orthodox.  To us, it looks fine.  But, to those of different faiths, the hats Greek priests wear can look sort of weird and their names can be difficult to pronounce.  I knew a priest named Father Papahartogeorgoudisfylakakopoulos. I felt bad for the guy.

Father Papahartogeorgoudisfylakakopoulos

Well, Father Stavros (who’s last name is thankfully easy to pronounce) listened to me and then said “maybe God put Rosie O’Donnell on earth to test the faithful.”

But I digress.  The point I am trying to make is that I have spent the last few months reevaluating my life, and have decided that, if I am going to continue writing this column, I need to concentrate on more important things.  Our world and our nation are facing dark times.  I want to make a difference.

So get ready, People of Earth, for the greatest and most meaningful series of articles you have ever experienced.

I will begin by exploring the hidden wonders and important parables for our times revealed through professional Mexican wrestling.

Sarkozy: No Place for Burqas in France

French President Nicolas Sarkozy

By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass.Press Reporter

May never walk again, his lawyer said.

The accused Fort Hood gunman is paralyzed and likely will never be able walk again, his lawyer said Friday.  Attorney John Douchebag said Maj. Nidal Hasan’s medical condition remains “extremely serious” and “it appears he won’t be able to walk in the future.”

“OMG!” said no one in particular, Senior Fellow at no institution of higher learning whatsoever. “That poor murderer of 13 soldiers! He may not be able to walk to the gas chamber!  We must make sure he can be carried or wheeled there!”

Irish priest kidnapped in Philippines released by MILF

Rev. Michael Sinnott, a 79-year-old Irish Catholic priest abducted in the Southern Philippines a month ago, is escorted to his flight to Manila following his release early Thursday.  Al Jacinto/AP

By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass.Press Reporter

A 46 year old mother of two (MILF), released an elderly Irish priest late on Wednesday night after holding him in captivity for 32 days. Father Michael Sinnott had worked in the Philippines for nearly 33 years when Ms. Helen Smith, recently divorced,  kidnapped him from a gated compound in Pagadian City on Oct. 11. He was released into the custody of  government authorities on Thursday morning.

“I just thought he was SO cute,” said the still smoking-hot sexually attractive Smith at a press conferenced called to announce her decision to release Father Michael.

Re:  http://www.csmonitor.com/2009/1112/p99s01-duts.html

By Rhappi Kanasta

Sacramento, Nov. 10 (Ass.Press) – On Monday, ABC News reported that accused Fort Hood shooter Major Nidal Malik Hasan attempted to join al Qaeda prior to going on his bloody rampage.

Al Qaeda did not denounce Maj. Hasan, but was quick to distance itself from Hasan by providing the following rejection letter as proof of al Queda’s lack of involvement:

Dear Maj Malik Hasan:

Thank you for your interest in the joining al Qaeda. We enjoyed reviewing your application very much and passed it around to many people for review. We especially enjoyed the photos you included with your cover letter.

While we were impressed with your background and experience and appreciate your hatred for America, we have concluded that other candidates’ qualifications more closely match our requirements.   We sincerely regret that we cannot offer you employment with our organization at this time.

You have our best wishes for success in locating the career opportunity you deserve.  We will retain your resume in our files to review for future openings for up to six months.  In the event of an appropriate available position as a psychotic killer and/or suicide bomber, we will not hesitate to contact you.  We have many cell phones with pre-paid minutes that we can use, and even though our current location is somewhat remote, our cell phone reception is excellent.

We appreciate your interest and the time you have invested in seeking a position with Al Qaeda.

Very truly yours,

Abu Salla

Human Resources

PS – Although we appreciate your efforts to assist us, we are returning your CD containing your recording of a proposed Al Qaeda theme song.  Although the tune was, indeed, catchy, very singable, and would inspire fear in the hearts of those who serve the Great Satan, we nevertheless believe the music itself is derivative of the theme to the American children’s cartoon “Rocky and Bulwinkle.” We are currently fighting a grim guerilla war against the imperial Crusader and we do not wish to become entangled in protracted – and expensive – copyright litigation at this time.

Ass.Press

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By RHAPPI KANASTA (Ass.Press) – 3 hours ago

BEIJING — Shu Chun Teng, a Chinese scholar persecuted during the Cultural Revolution for smuggling a rare collection of mushrooms out of China before World War II, was honored Saturday when the collection was returned more than 70 years later.

“Now, at long last, this wonderful mushroom collection can finally be eaten,” said Ting Ho, Chairman of the Chinese Ministry of Culture and mushroom enthusiast. “Look at that big one,” Ho said, pointing at a dried morel. “That one has my name written all over it.”

During the Japanese invasion in 1937, Teng arranged for his best mushroom specimens to be removed from a national botany institute he directed to save them from destruction. During World War II, they were smuggled by ox cart to Indochina and then by sea to the United States.

Teng’s daughter, Deng Yi, said she hoped she would share in the official orgy of mushroom eating that would follow the ceremony honoring her father.

I know I’ve been fairly critical of Stargate Universe.

I’ve complained about how it is too much soap opera

and not enough space opera.

but…

I am watching the latest episode of SG-U and I just got to the part where that guy from the spaceship switched bodies with the Lou Diamond Philips character and went back to his wife and she took him back and they were getting busy and then the body transfer reversed for a moment and that guy from the spaceship was back on board the spaceship and the Lou Diamond Philips guy was under the other guys wife and then the body transfer kicked back in and the first guy was under his wife again – and his wife was acting like she never got it that way before – which has to make her husband (the guy from the spaceship) fell a bit awkward – and the Lou Diamond Philips guy was back on on earth and asks “what the hell just happened?”

The Lou Diamond Philips character.

It was great!  I love this show now!

And there is even a chance fat nerd may score with the Senator’s drunk daughter!

The dead Senator's daughter.

The fat guy and an asian chick.

It’s back on. Gotta run-

Little Shannon Dedrick’s disappearance caught the world’s attention.

7 month old Shannon Dedrick

The world breathed a collective sigh of relief when, today, Shannon was found in a box under the bed of her baby sitter – who had apparently abducted the infant.

I am glad the ordeal is over for Shannon’s parents, but someone has to point out that their child is an alien.

That isn't drool.

Little Shannon is clearly a human/alien hybrid.  I am the last person on this or any world to so much as imply that there is anything wrong with that.  At one time some stygma might have attached to parents who gave birth to an alien baby, but recent high profile celebrity adoptions have removed much of that stygma.

As a consequence, caring for an alien baby has become quite fashionable.

Shannon’s parents must realize that raising a human/alien hybrid is a challenging, but ultimately rewarding endeavor.

Every child is a special gift from God.

For example, Shannon’s remarkably large head indicates that she will be telepathic.

Knows what you are thinking.

Telepathic children are unusually challenging because they know when daddy says “no” that he really means “yes” and when mommy says “just wait until your father gets home!” mommy really doesn’t mean it.

Nothing but trouble

As an alien/human hybrid, little Shannon is likely to develop the skill to levitate.

Extra care is required.

Like telepathy, the ability to levitate will be a job skill that employers will appreciate, but in the beginning, the parent of an alien/human hybrid must exercise extra care, such as making sure windows are closed at all times.

Not good.

So, we are all glad baby Shannon is back, but her parents need to pay attention to her special qualities.

Has anyone else noticed that the United States is actively – although quietly – preparing to support an Israeli airstrike against Iran?  The signs are unmistakable. The US and Israel are conducting joint military exercises (Operation Juniper Cobra) they both claim are routine but are unprecedented in scope and scale.

Even more telling, the Obama administration has quietly taken the preliminary steps necessary to tap into the US Strategic Petroleum reserve.

I think time has run out for Iran.

What, me worry?

04-11-09 UPDATE:

JERUSALEM — Israeli commandos seized a ship Wednesday that defense officials said was carrying more than 60 tons of missiles, rockets and anti-tank weapons bound for Lebanon’s Iranian-backed Hezbollah guerrillas.

JERUSALEM, Nov. 4 (UPI) — Hamas has smuggled scores of long-range Iranian missiles into Gaza and tested a missile that can hit Tel Aviv, a top Israeli military intelligence officer said.

Culturally speaking, the United States has contributed two things to the world – popular barbecue and Halloween.

Why not both at the same time?

By “popular” I mean widespread.  No people on earth have popularized cooking outdoors over live fire the way we Americans have. For a more serious discussion, please to to   http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/opinion/blogs/blunt-instrument/flame-me-if-you-will-but-we-suck-at-grills/20091028-hkr7.html.

Considered good eating in Perth.

By “Halloween” I mean an unabashed annual celebration of the spooky.

Other cultures celebrate death.  They do it in China. They do it in Mexico.  But those celebrations are essentially spiritual and/or religious.  But not Halloween.  Halloween has nothing to do with the spiritual. It has nothing to do with religion.  It has everything to do with fun.

Every year on October 31st – when the wall between the worlds is thinnest and most easily crossed – kids and adults dress up in costumes and, when it get s dark, they go door to door essentially begging for candy – which they receive in large, monstrous handfuls.

This completely non religious festival is becoming part of the international scene.  American style Halloween is now celebrated all over the world.

Halloween in Costa Rica

Halloween in Singapore

My favorite expression of this spread is Sandra’s haunted balcony in Hamburg, Germany.

It makes sense that the Germans in particular would embrace Halloween.

Admirable Teutonic exuberance.

But I digress.  I am here to tell you – to show you – what Halloween is like here in Northern California in the small town where I live.

For me Halloween began with a knock on my door early in the morning.  My neighbor and his son came by to ask is they could install a portal into a dimension of evil in my front yard.  My lawn was destroyed when my home was remodeled, so I figured, heck, when would there be a better time to have a portal into a dimension of evil installed in my front yard?

A hole was dug.

The device was installed.

While my neighbors tinkered with the field densities between the universes, a flock of wild turkeys strolled down my street foraging and decided to spend some time on a roof at the end of the block.

It was a good omen.

I decided to carve a pumpkin, but the pumpkin bin at my local market was somewhat bare with slim pickings left.

Nevertheless, I was able to find a reasonably decent pumpkin and was able to exercise the minimal artistic talent every American is born with and which is useful only for carving faces in pumpkins.

The dirt from the hole that housed the portal into the dimension of evil made a couple of fine impromptu graves.

All we had to do was wait for darkness and some unsuspecting Trick or Treaters.

Actual Trick or Treaters who came to my door.

I went out and bought candy to give away to the little boys and gouls who would come to my door that evening.

In addition to the usual treats, I included in my selection the very finest fake glow in the dark sour worms I could find.

The perfect Halloween treat.

And then it was time to get our collective freak on.

The device in my front yard worked nicely.  I had a switch inside the house that triggered the device whenever someone rang the door bell, causing much shouting and the occasional scream.

It was a most satisfying Halloween.  But I’m beginning to wonder if that portal is going to harm the value of my property.

Yeah, I’m back.  I saw a lot of picturesque streets.

I saw a lot of skinny French women.

I was sometimes confronted by the bizarre and inexplicable.

I spent time with some dear, old friends.

And I spent a lot of time digesting food and assimilating drink.

But right now I am severely jet lagged and need to go to sleep.

More later.

Source: The Ass. Press

Posted: 10/21/09 19:15AM

Filed Under: News

Kate Gosselin’s children are “angry” and “acting out,” because their TLC show “Jon & Kate Plus 8′ (renamed ‘Kate Plus 8′) was shutting down because Jon Gosselin, the children’s father, believes the show is  harming his children.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, Kate described how much her kids enjoy being filmed 24 hours a day, every day.  ”They love our crew, they love the interaction, they love the events. There is nothing harmful about it. They are angry.”

“We want the cameras back!” wailed five year old Hannah, one of a set of sextuplets born on May 10, 2004. “I can’t sleep without the lights and crew activity! I just made a breakthrough with my therapist, and for what? Now I have to start all over again!” she sobbed.

“This is all daddy’s fault!” screamed little Cara, known by millions for her adorable smile. “He willfully breached the original contract, thereby depriving the family of the benefit of the bargain. I hope mommy can obtain injunctive relief,” Cara said, before smiling adorably.

“The gaffer was going to show me where babies come from!” noted nine year old Madelyn.

Ass. Press has obtained a transcript of Kate Gosselin telling her children that the show has been placed on hold:

“Gather ‘round, kids. Hannah, get that out of your mouth; you don’t know where it’s been.  Kids, I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is that the nice and very handsome judge ordered your good for nothing, cheating, stupid, smelly father to give back the money he stole from you and mommie.  The bad news is that all of the nice camera people and show people with the candy and the toys are going away because you daddy doesn’t love you. Thats right. Your daddy doesn’t love you and he took a gun and tried to shoot the nice people with the candy and toys. Alexis, stop crying; I said stop crying you little bitch.  Mommy’s had a bad day meeting with producers and attorneys and hair stylists and fashion consultants and astrologers and she need just a little support right now, okay? But it’s okay to be mad. You can be mad all you want at daddy for leaving you and ruining eveything I worked so hard for. Did you know your daddy is sleeping with a teenager? And that he takes drugs?  And that he comes here at night when we are all fast asleep and steals your toys so he can give them to other boys and girls he likes better than you? So the next time I hear you cring for your daddy or saying that you miss him I want you to remember – and I’m talking to you, Collin – I want you to remember that your daddy hates you and that he ruined a multi million dollar, multi-year deal. Okay? Now go be mad for the cameras like to I showed you.”

Last week TLC filed a lawsuit in Maryland seeking damages from Jon Gosselin for failing to do what he is told. “Look, all he had to do was put up with her abuse for a while,” said a Hollywood insider on the condition of confidentiality. “So it was a failed marriage. So the show put his kids in a fishbowl of nonstop publicity. So what?  All he had to do was keep looking stupid and let her bitch at him on camera and everyone would get rich.  But noooooo, the moron couldn’t do it.  He totally screwed the pooch,” the insider concluded.

Ted Himmel, who represents Nala, the Gosselin family dog, denied any improper relationship between Nala and Jon Gosselin. “Although Mr. Gosselin has been commonly referred to as Nala’s ‘master’ and her ‘owner’ it would be a mistake to imply any kind of D/s or BDSM relationship between my client and Mr. Gosselin, said Himmel.

Nala is currently negotiating with TLC to be the subject of a reality show tentatively entitled “Nala Gosselin: Life After Jon.”  Himmel was quick to point out that Nala’s relationship with Jon had nothing to do with the breakdown of Jon and Kate’s marriage and pending divorce.

TLC is currently negotiating with Jon Gosselin to host a new reality show tentatively entitled “Jon Gosselin’s New York City Bachelor Sex Pad.”