MY DISCOVERY

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Bigotry in America, California Public Records Act, Evil Smiley Face, GOP, Hate Crimes, Occupy Mordor, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana!, the snows of yesteryear, The Wilhelm Scream, USA! USA! USA! on July 12, 2015 by paulboylan

Happy Negroes

A still from Disney’s Song of he South (1946), recognized universally as the most racist film ever produced.

 “That was a total waste of time,” my wife, Lori, told me after reading a conversation I had with someone who calls themselves “BuffaloBillie” and who posted a critique of the decision to remove the Confederate battle flag from the top of the South Carolina Capitol Building.

American Swastika

American Swastika

Here is what Billie posted:

Did no one see Roof burning the AMERICAN FLAG? The Confederacy is just as much a part of our history as the Union Jack! Racism will be the death of our country if the Muslims fail and, that “knife” cuts both ways!

 I was tired when I read that.  I had just returned from a two week trip to Australia

Brisbane

Brisbane

Sydney

Sydney

Melbourne

Melbourne

Capricornia

Capricornia

and, moments after landing in LA, I received an email from my good friend and colleague Terry Francke, the Director of Californians Aware (CalAware).

CalAware copy

Terry referred a request for assistance from Eye on Sacramento (EOS), a local government transparency advocacy group.  EOS wanted to stop the City of Sacramento from deleting the City’s email archive – and the City was going to push the button two days from then.

I agreed to try to help. It turned out to be a gargantuan task, possibly the most difficult case I’ve ever handled on such short notice.

It’s working out okay. But when the hearing was over, and I could sit down and take a break, what I really needed was some mindless entertainment.  When I read Billie’s protest about the decision to remove the Confederate flag from the top of the South Carolina Capitol Dome, I knew I had found the mindless entertainment I was looking for.

For me nothing is more entertaining than engaging a racist, and Billie’s inclusion of Muslims in her short rant indicated that Billie wasn’t only racist, but was very possibly crazy, too – and I love that combination.

I responded as follows, and the conversation began.

But this is not just another typical meaningless conversation between two people with irreconcilable world views.  As the conversation developed, I discovered something.

Let me know if you agree with my revelation about “Billie’s” true nature.

I began by responding –

@BuffaloBillie –  The swastika is a part of German history, too. But it stands for and is very closely associated with hate, murder and racism – and therefore it is offensive to anyone who isn’t a racist.

Desecrated Jewish graves in France

Desecrated Jewish graves in France

The Dachau Gateway

The Dachau Gateway

The Confederate battle flag is a part of American history. But it stands for the right to own slaves and the racism that was created to justify slavery – and is therefore offensive to anyone who isn’t a racist.

KKK-Rebel-Flag-Swastika-2 copy

This guy just loves the Confederate flag.

That’s all there is to it. If you don’t get it, then history will trample you and the Confederate battle flag you’ve wrapped yourself within.

By the way, in Germany – where the swastika is banned – racists and Neo-Nazis fly the Confederate battle flag because it represents the same German racists and Neo-Nazis want to promote – hate, murder, and racism.

They know what the Confederate battle flag stands for. So does every American. Those who think they can display the Stars and Bars to champion the idea of being a “rebel” without also arguing in favor of hate, murder and racism are fooling themselves, but no one else.

To my delight, Billie met my challenge.

 @Paul_Nicholas_Boylan Mr. Boylan, you should avail yourself of a history book on the Civil War which was written BEFORE the liberals took over our education system. You will find that slavery was not the issue but states’ rights and the economy of the South. There were many, many northerners who owned slaves also but it was Lincoln’s attempt to keep the union together, not slaves, that caused the disasterous war. Incidentally, I am NOT a racist.

 @BuffaloBillie Frankly, I don’t know if you are a racist or not. There are lots of kinds of racism. Marilyn Davenport found herself in hot water when she distributed a photo of a family of chimpanzees with President Obama’s face on the baby.

nothing-racist-about-this-at-all

She was shocked when people accused her of being racist.

Marilyn Davenport.  Huge racist.

To her a racist is an evil person motivated by hate. Since her desire to depict a black man as an ape wasn’t motivated by hate or evil she felt she could not possibly be a racist.

She was, of course, wrong. Racism is like cancer. There is both malignant racism (the product of hate) and benign racism (the product of culture and ignorance).

Bill, I suspect you are a benign racist. You demonize my viewpoint as ‘liberal.” For the record, I am a life-long registered Republican.

You try to justify slavery as a “states rights” issue and point out that prominent historical figures owned slaves. I am sorry, Bill (I really am) but that is the classic argumentative tactic of a benign racist. States don’t have the right to perpetrate evil. And the sorry fact that some good men may have participated in an evil thing doesn’t magically transform it into a good and righteous thing.

Listen up:

(1) Slavery was and is evil.

africa

Overseer Artayou Carrier whipped me.  I was two months in bed sore from the whipping.  My master come after I was whipped; he discharged the overseer.  The very words of poor Peter, taken as he sat for his picture.  Baton Rouge, La., April 2, 1863.  (War Dept.) NARA FILE #:  165-JT-230 WAR & CONFLICT BOOK #:  109

Baton Rouge, La., April 2, 1863. (War Dept.)

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(2) The Confederate States rebelled against the United States for the sole purpose of having the right and power to base their economy on slave labor.

slavead

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(3) the South Carolina Battle Flag (the basis for what is known as the “Stars and Bars”) was created to symbolize the false and evil right of men to own other men. It was created for no other reason and symbolizes nothing else.

The+House+with+Closed+Shutters+-+1910+-+Sister+sews+Confederate+flag

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Birmingham, Alabama: Students wave confederate flags and carry anti-integration signs as they stage demonstration near West End High School, 9/11/63. It is the second day of integrated classes in Birmingham City Schools, 9/11/63.

Birmingham, Alabama: Students wave confederate flags and carry anti-integration signs as they stage demonstration near West End High School, 9/11/63. It is the second day of integrated classes in Birmingham City Schools, 9/11/63.

Montgomery, Alabama, USA --- A group of white men protest the integration of Montgomery high schools waving confederate flags and anti-Semitic signs. --- Image by © Flip Schulke/CORBIS

Montgomery, Alabama, USA — A group of white men protest the integration of Montgomery high schools waving confederate flags and anti-Semitic signs. — Image by © Flip Schulke/CORBIS

m198803970001

Women screaming at black children attending public school in Charleston, South Carolina

So tell me again why the Bars and Stars should keep waving.

 

 @Paul_Nicholas_Boylan Who ever was that woman you describe, she definitely is an ignorant racist.

Marilyn Davenport, who forwarded an email depicting President Obama as a chimpanzee, issues an apology for those who found the work offensive but refuses to resign her position as an elected member of the Orange County Republican Central Committee, at a news conference outside her home in Fullerton, Calif., Wednesday, April 20, 2011. (AP Photo/Reed Saxon)

Marilyn Davenport, who forwarded an email depicting President Obama as a chimpanzee, issues an apology for those who found the work offensive but refuses to resign her position as an elected member of the Orange County Republican Central Committee, at a news conference outside her home in Fullerton, Calif., Wednesday, April 20, 2011. (AP Photo/Reed Saxon)

My brothers and I were raised by a wonderful black woman and her husband, Johnnie Mae and James, and they were my very best friends.

temple

It did not matter to me that their skin was black. They were the sweetest, kindest people in the world, aside from my grandparents. I have absolutely no ill will toward black people except those who constantly complain about slavery as though they experienced it themselves. There is not a single person alive today who was a slave, so those youngsters should stand up and be counted as Americans, not as a hyphenated American. The United States has done far more for people of color than their own countries in Africa will EVER do for them.

voting_start_04

I’ve lived in Africa and know that for a fact, first-hand. Americans have always taken care of black people because, as slaves, they were needed as workers and since then as our house-keepers and nannies.

negro_domestic_servant1

They were NOT abused, they were protected because they were valued and loved.

Evil too extreme to believe

Loved and valued to death.

 

@BuffaloBillie  Again you seem to misunderstand the difference between malignant racism and benign racism. You say ” I have absolutely no ill will toward black people.” I don’t doubt that. What you – and Marilyn Davenport – don’t seem to understand is that you can be a racist without hating. And I am afraid that all that you’ve said in this discussion seems to point to the conclusion that you are, indeed, racist.

I do not question your claims that you were raised by black people. But the your comments after that claim really seem to indicate that it didn’t make you a more open minded person. For example, you say:

“There is not a single person alive today who was a slave, so those youngsters should stand up and be counted as Americans, not as a hyphenated American.”

The bottom line here is that you love black people who are silent, but you admit ill will towards black people who complain about the lingering and potent effects of slavery. That, my friend, makes you a racist.

How do you feel about Jews who didn’t survive a concentration camp who refuse to forget about the Holocaust (if, of course, you believe the Holocaust happened. I’m guessing you might doubt that it did)? I bet you just love Jews that don’t complain, too, but harbor ill will towards those who do.

You also say:

“The United States has done far more for people of color than their own countries in Africa will EVER do for them.”

I really hate to point this out again, but that, too, is a favorite argument of the benign racist. You are basically arguing that black people shouldn’t complaint about the injustices they experience or the inequalities inherent in our system because they are better off here than they than they would have been if their ancestors had stayed in Africa.

You probably have no idea how repugnant that argument is. And I’ve heard it before from the mouths of elected representatives from the former Confederacy. And I’ve read the same argument made by slave owners to justify owning slaves: “We treat them as slaves better off than they would have been free in that awful Africa.”

Sorry, Billie, but that is simply disgusting. But you clearly believe it. And you claim you aren’t a racist because you were raised by black people who I suspect were domestic servant.

Finally, you actually state that black slaves were not abused but were

“protected because they were valued and loved.”

Again, even if that is true (which it most certainly is not) it is utterly irrelevant. The harm inflicted upon slaves is the evil of slavery itself. A human being is harmed irrevocably just by being a slave. It doesn’t matter how much a slave master loves their slaves, the mere fact of ownership of a human being injures both the slave owner and the slave.

You are an apologist – if no an advocate – for the evil institution of slavery, and you harbor ill will towards black people who complain about the lasting effects of slavery.

I am very sorry, but you’ve proven you are a racist. You can be nothing else.

May God have mercy upon your soul.

 Billie didn’t respond.  A few days later I wrote:

 @BuffaloBillie Your decision not to continue the discussion is impressive. I mean that sincerely and without any intended sarcasm. I am hoping it means you my prior points made an impact and that you are thinking about what I said.

And that means it is time to provide you with something else to think about that will bring this conversation full circle back to the Confederate flag flying over the South Carolina State Capitol Dome.

First I need to correct a mistake I made above in prior comments: this flag was first flown as the battle flag for the Army of North Virginia – it was not known as the South Carolina Battle Flag as I referred to it above. I apologize for the error.

After the Civil War ended, the flag was used by the Ku Klux Klan as its emblem. This use, of course, was intended to symbolize race hatred – not “states rights.”

The decision to fly that flag over that particular state capitol dome is somewhat recent. It first happened in 1962 – one hundred years after the start of the Civil War – and that decision was made as part of South Carolina’s open hostile opposition to the Civil Rights Movement.

The decision to fly that flag over that particular state capitol dome is somewhat recent. It first happened in 1962 – one hundred years after the start of the Civil War – and that decision was made as part of South Carolina’s open hostile opposition to the Civil Rights Movement.

This history confirms that the Confederate Flag being flown over the South Carolina State Capitol Dome was always a symbol of race hate and was put there by racists in defiance of black people attempting to obtain the same rights that free white people enjoyed since the founding of the United States.

There are those who do not know any of this. For them, the flag represents the spirit of individualism, the spirit of rebellion against tyranny – very much like the “Don’t Tread on Me” flag of the American Revolution.

So the ultimate question here is whether or not people can legitimately claim to be offended by that flag. You argue that black people who have never been slaves cannot.

I have to disagree. You were raised by black people, but quite possibly they were domestics. Your viewpoint is from the cultural vantage point of class and race superiority. I wasn’t raised by them, but I am married to a black woman and, by force of American attitudes, my son is considered black. I’ve watched first hand the discrimination they face every single day and I’ve counseled my son that, when he is stopped b the police (not if, but when) that he must do whatever they ask, no matter how unjust, no matter how pretextual. If they want to search his car, I’ve instructed him to let them – even though it violates his constitutional rights of search and seizure.

I give my son these instructions, and more, because I don’t want to see him killed.

If my son was white I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this.

We live in a racist society. It is real. It is active. And it results in active and subtle discrimination.

And, to my family and to ever single black person I’ve ever known, the Confederate Flag represents all of that, and the fact they have to see it proudly displayed by white people not only offends them, it angers them. It is the sign of blatant and malignant disrespect that is at the heart of racism. It is a manifestation of hate.

It is time to take down the American version of the Nazi Swastika and place it in museums where it belongs.

 @Paul_Nicholas_Boylan Mr. Boylan, just now is the first time I’ve seen your last three epistles as I have a business to attend to. You are the person who does not understand how I feel because you’ve never lived a life like mine. Therefore, you should not try to intimidate me for my feelings. I loved the boys who chopped cotton on our farm, who worked for us at our store and the wonderful couple who were there for me and my brothers at home.

The flag does represent individualism and is what has made America the amazing country it still is. We are individuals, not “sheep”.

Individualism on parade.

Individualism on parade.

Stars Bars and the KKK

Not sheep. But it is likely they’ve known a ewe or two.

Today’s black people would rather – it seems to me – blame slavery for all their problems when it is, in fact, the failure of the family unit which has caused our prisons to be overwhelmed by young black men. There appears to be no male, father figure, at most homes to impress on them that an education and a good-paying job is the way to success and away from prison. This also is the problem with a high number of white families – men who have abandoned their duties as more than just “sperm-donors”.

It is apparent to me that you have a finite amount of time to debate this, however, I do not. So, this will be my final response to your comments.

34990757

@BuffaloBillie No need for you to respond. Saying

“I loved the boys who chopped cotton on our farm”

says it all. And what it says is that I am wrong: you are not a racist after all. You are a subtle and brilliant internet performance artist.

What you wrote is so awful, so obviously racist – but written as if you really believe it.

“I loved the boys who chopped cotton on our farm”

Laughing Man

Brilliantly offensive!

You called them “boys” like it is natural for you, as if you are completely unaware how offensive it is to black men to be called “boy.”

laughing

F**king brilliant! So amazingly offensive, but with a subtle twist, using simple and often grammatically incorrect language to provide just a hint that you actually believe what you are saying.

Oh God! And look at this that you wrote:

“Today’s black people would rather – it seems to me – blame slavery for all their problems when it is, in fact, the failure of the family unit which has caused our prisons to be overwhelmed by young black men. There appears to be no male, father figure, at most homes to impress on them that an education and a good-paying job is the way to success and away from prison.”

Bhushan Vellala, of Lakewood, during Laughter Yoga class in Lakewood Monday, May 19, 2008   (Chris Stephens/The Plain Dealer)

Brilliant, Sir! That completely ignores the settled academic conclusion that it was the institution of slavery itself that destroyed black families. You implicitly recognize the problem, and the cause, and then blame black people for the problem slavery caused. Incredible! Brilliant!!

brilliant copy

Now that I understand what you are really all about I am going to reread everything you posted above with new eyes. I salute you, Sir.

You laid a clever trap – pretending to be a brain-dead, yahoo racist. And I fell for it. I’m not ashamed for doing so. I feel privileged.

Thank you. And I really mean that.

 @BuffaloBillie I read it all again. All of it.

laughing-at-computer

You are simply hilarious. You are pretending to be an idiot but you are, in reality, a comic genius. I’m not sure if I have ever encountered this kind of comedy, this kind of social satire, before. Elegant deception en par with Jonathan Swift’s Modest Proposal.

a modest proposal

You draw your audience in and then – bam – the depth and scope of the joke becomes apparent, and the joke is on your audience.

I can get you a theatrical agent – if you don’t already have one. But if you don’t, then I can get you one. I’m no kidding. I would waive my usual commission just for the pleasure of knowing I was instrumental to bringing your talent to the world.

I see endless possibilities. Stand up comedy. Writing of all kinds. The sky’s the limit.

Let me know and I’ll send you my contact info so we can begin a more in-depth discussion about those possibilities.

“There is not a single person alive today who was a slave, so those youngsters should stand up and be counted as Americans, not as a hyphenated American.”

Could you be any funnier? Beyond brilliant. Way beyond brilliant.

 @Paul_Nicholas_Boylan Yes, Mr. Boylan, I know I’m funny. However, I am also 80 years old and a woman and have had a wonderful, exciting life filled with everything that is worth living for!

hqdefault

Those boys were just that, kids about 16 or 17 years old. Chopping cotton was a back-breaking job which an older man could not have lasted at, especially in the summer heat.

picking cotton


o-LAUGHTER-HEALTH-facebookThey also picked cotton for us and that too, is a back-breaking job as well as destroying your hands because of the bolls. When I was 5 and weighed 25 pounds, I PICKED 25 pounds one day. Work is good for the soul.

Also, for your information, I’ve lived in Africa in the ’70s – on the economy – and a lot of our “African” Americans would never make it over there because if you don’t work, you don’t eat. ‘Nuff said!

really funny

 

 

B51KZ6eCMAAr2_1

@BuffaloBillie Claiming to be an 80 year old Southerner does ad verisimilitude to the racist impression you are trying to make. It taps right into the common stereotype that old Southern white women are extremely racist.

angry-old-lady

And the whole “I picked cotton in the summer heat” element does the same thing.

But then you ruined the illusion by going just a touch too far when you indirectly advanced the simply awful racial stereotype that black people are “lazy” and living off of Welfare (i.e., they don’t work, but do eat, and why? Because they are on Welfare….”).

Attempting to qualify your statement with “a lot” would be a master stroke to supporting the illusion of believing what you’ve written, but, as I said, I’m on to you now.

And, as I’ve said, I’ve reread your posts above with a new appreciation for you and your performance art. One my second reread I noticed something really special, and I want to run it past you to see if I’m right.

Your genius is combining racist arguments so as to reveal their absurdity. I think this is a good example. You first say you were raised by a black man names James; and then you complain about the lack of black fathers at home to be a good example for their kids. But James was home to be a good example for his kids because he was busy at your home raising you.

As I said, genius.

I won’t fall for your depiction of yourself as an astonishingly racist old white woman. Even your constant clearly erroneous attempts to compare life in Africa with the black American experience won’t help you pull the wool over my eyes again.

But I salute you for the attempt – especially now that I fully appreciate what you are trying to accomplish with your racist facade.

 @Paul_Nicholas_Boylan Johnnie Mae was our housekeeper and nannie for my little brothers. Her husband, James, worked as a laborer. He was a HUGE, kind man. She was a small woman and they had never had children. They lived in the servants’ quarters in the back of the property.

MittLaugh-300x212

I do not “complain” about the lack of black fathers as it is an absolute fact – sad, but true.
young-woman-laughing-covering-face-gettyimages

 

What I’ve said in this sequence of comments is the absolute truth. There are no lies in any of it. You may choose to believe what you wish, but it is a true, actual story.

What I’ve said in this sequence of comments is the absolute truth. There are no lies in any of it. You may choose to believe what you wish, but it is a true, actual story.

@BuffaloBillie  Look, you’ve proven you are good at masquerading as a stereotypical racist.

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You’re the best.

winner3

6

And the evolution of your personae into an elderly white woman raised by domestic servants in the pre WWII south is simply brilliant.

“…they had never had children.”
laughing

Of course they never had children’; they were too busy working for your family and raising you and your brothers for slave wages – or maybe they did it just for room and board. Black folk working their lives away slaving away for rich white cotton farmers.

U.S. President Barack Obama laughs at the White House Correspondents Association annual dinner in Washington April 28, 2012.  REUTERS/Larry Downing (UNITED STATES - Tags: POLITICS ENTERTAINMENT MEDIA) ORG XMIT: WAS335

Brilliant! That is EXACTLY what the unsuspecting reader would expect to hear from an 80 year old white lady Southern racist. Brilliant!!

341x450px-ll-bdec5f1b_guy-laughing-at-you-thumb1094641

But you can stop now.

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You’ve proven your hilarious.

KKK Confederate Flag_zpsjwlw1uqv

Let’s move on. Have you thought about allowing me to get you an agent?

 pnb-avatar-32-e1303056261191

Within a month I can get you a gig at the Comedy Store on Sunset.

9E6FCBCF-005B-4D11-552996A78157095F

I’m serious. I can do it. Let me do that for you. I want to be able to say that you are my discovery

 @BuffaloBillie I just got this great idea. I realize I am being presumptuous providing you with suggestions on how to appear even more racist than you already appear. But hear me out.

Or+maybe+just+hear+me+out+people+like+you+are+_46aebb00d187195e57969bb9dadd2e96

I’ve learned that it is possible to revise comments appearing in this forum. If I can arrange that, it would be really perfect if you could insert a comment saying that the negro boys who worked for your family cutting cotton sang negro work songs while they were in the cotton fields. And that they worked in rhythm to the music. And that the two adult black people who worked for your family providing child care to you and your two brothers, could you describe them as singing, too, and being so happy all the time and smiling.

And if you could just add a couple of sentences explaining how it is true that black people can’t swim and that science has proven that they are mentally inferior to the white race.

white race

white race too

You just have to include using the term “white race” whenever you can.

31314whiterally

Southern Pride

And finally if you could include something about the “White Homeland” in the Pacific Northwest or a reference to the “Northwest Front.”

Northwest Front

That’s Washington, Oregon, Idaho and Montana.

white army

These are only suggestions. The character you crafted – a deeply racist 80 old lady Southerner – is so over the top perfect, and believable. I realize that yours is a subtle art, and it is so very easy to go too far and tip off your reader too soon that they are debating a phantom construct.

But if you add in the stuff I’ve suggested, you will have it on every single ultra right wing racist statement Dylann Roof made in his manifesto Roof posted on the internet to explain why he killed all those black people in that Church in Charleston.

Every single one. I confirmed that it isn’t a coincidence. Roof’s rant matches yours -except for these few last suggestions.

Brilliant.

people of earth

http://www.seattlepi.com/news/crime/article/The-Latest-South-Carolina-House-remembers-church-6372868.php

 

 

OXI

Posted in End of the World Knock-Knock Jokes, Europe, Money and Power, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, سكارليت جوهانسون on July 6, 2015 by paulboylan

Disgruntled Republican

The people of Greece resoundingly said “no” (oxi) to the austerity plan proposed by Greece’s creditors.

oxi-graffiti copy

Saying yes would have caused never ending unemployment and poverty.  Greece’s creditors kept lending money to Greece knowing full well and with utter certainty that Greece could never repay the money.  A yes vote on the austerity plan would mean de facto slavery for the Greek people. Forever.

But Greece’s creditors were banking on the Greek people’s fear of what would happen if Greece rejected the austerity plan.  If Greece voted no, the Greek banking system would vanish.  Everyone’s bank accounts would be seized.  And after that?  No food. No light. No heat.

bank of greece copy

Darkness. Chaos. Death in the streets.

But not forever.  A “no” vote means horror in the short term – but the horror will not last.  In time the Greek government would print Drachmas to re-fund the national banks.  Greek trade would pivot away from Europe and towards the Middle East and Russia.

The Greek “no” vote to Greece’s creditors’ austerity plan will very likely cause the end of the Euro Zone.  First Greece.  Next Spain.  Then Italy. Like dominos.  And the result will rock the world.

But I always knew the Greeks would vote “no.”  Long ago I learned a Greek saying.  An old one. I learned it when I was very small. My teachers made me memorize it.  My priest made me repeat it to make sure I got it right.

 And I can hear it in the streets of Athens today:

 

Ελευθερία

ή

Θάνατος

 

 

people of earth

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH PROFESSOR X BOYLAN

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Australia, Early-onset dementia, Fiction, Geopolitical Insults, Hapax Legomenon, Horrible Coincidences, It's not what you think, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, بشار الاسد, سكارليت جوهانسون on June 7, 2015 by paulboylan

CATS FLOATING

 

John Birmingham is a prolific writer who’s most recent three novels – Emergence, Resistance and Ascendance – tell the story of how an oil drilling platform in the Gulf of Mexico drills so deep that it accidentally breaks the “cap stone” separating our world from a demon hoard that once ruled the earth and used people for food.  They plan on reconquering the surface world only to discover that humans aren’t the timid, frightened “cattle” they were thousands of years ago, but have evolved from helpless savages into a global technological civilization with weapons that seem like magic to the invading demons.

 

kill dragon

 

And the demon hoard didn’t count on Dave Hooper, an oil rig worker, becoming the demon-killing champion of Humankind.

 

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Dave Hooper carrying Lucille.

 

Professor X. Boylan  is a fictional character depicted in Resistance, the second novel in the series.

 

Resistance

Resistance

 

We were fortunate enough to locate and interview Paul Nicholas Boylan, the real life basis for the fictional character.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Welcome Mr. Boylan.  Thank you for coming here today.

PAUL NICHOLAS BOYLAN: No problem, Chief.

POE: We here at People of Earth are big fans of John Birmingham’s novels and we feel his most recent  “technology v. magic” Dave Hooper novels are possibly the best Birmingham has written.

PNB:  Yeah, that’s what people are telling me.

POE:  You haven’t read these books yet?

PNB:  I’m waiting for the graphic novel adaptations to come out.

POE:  Why?

PNB:  ‘Cause I like comic books.

 

LostInSpaceAnnuals

POE:  Aren’t you at all curious about Professor X. Boylan, the character you inspired?

PNB:  Let me explain somethin’ here, Chief. It is sort of my policy, if you will, to not read any of the books that have characters based on yours truly.

POE:  Why not?

PNB: I got my reasons.

POE:  Are there other characters based on you?

PNB:  Yeah.  I’m sort of like a “muse” if you know what I mean.

POE:  What other authors have you inspired?

PNB:  Dean Koonz put me in Odd Thomas and that grenade launcher put me in Fifty Shades of Grey.

POE:  Which characters?

PNB:  I’m not sure but I’m told I’m in there.

POE:  I haven’t read either of those books –

PNB:  Me neither.

POE: – but let’s compare Professor X. Boylan to the real you.

PNB: Knock yourself out, Chief.

POE:  To start out with, this is you.

pnb shades
Paul Nicholas Boylan

PNB:  Hey, thanks for not using one of my mug shots.

POE:  And this is what Professor X. Boylan is supposed to look like.

Paul-Giamatti-in-John-Dies-at-the-End
Professor X. Boylan

PNB:  I got no complaints.

POE:  Nellie over at  onebooktwo.wordpress.com reviewed Resistance and said

Professor X Boylan, attorney at law, is an interesting character.  He’s obviously brilliant, but he’s also an attorney, which makes him a wordsmith.  He is very funny without meaning to be funny.

PNB: Funny?

POE:  Oh yes. Hilarious.  Nellie, also at onebooktwo.wordpress.com, wrote “Boylan make great comic relief.”

PNB: What the fuck does that mean?

POE:  It means the character based on you is funny.

PNB: What do you mean I’m funny?

POE: It’s funny, you know. Your character is a funny guy.

PNB: Funny how? I mean, what’s funny about it?

POE: Just, you know, you character is funny.

PNB: Let me understand this, ’cause, ya know maybe it’s me, but I’m funny how? I mean funny like I’m a clown?

 

midnyte-clown

POE:  No, not like a clown –

PNB: I amuse you? I make you laugh? What do you mean funny? How am I funny?

POE: Just… you know, your character –

PNB: No, no, I don’t know.  You said I’m funny. How the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me. Tell me what’s funny.

Disgruntled Republican

POE:  Nothing. Nothing is funny about you at all, and I apologize for implying anything at all that you find objectionable.  Truth be told, you are actually more similar to Joe Pesci’s character, Tommy, in the movie Goodfellas.

PNB:  Nope. Much as I’d like to, I can’t take credit for that. Nick and Marty came up with that all on their own.

POE:  Well, that’s a fucking relief.

 

people of earth

HEADLINE – 100 TEXAS BRAINS MISSING

Posted in And now the snorting starts on June 4, 2015 by paulboylan

 

texas brains

 

TEXAS CITY, Texas –  At least 100 brains are missing from the University of Texas.

“I don’t know what to say,” said Phil Bremman, President of the University of Texas, Austin. “We got at least 100 brains missing and we don’t know where they’ve gone to.”

“Ordinarily, this sort of thing happens in other parts of Texas,” said Matt Siplem, Honorary Mayor of Austin. “Hell, it happens all the time. Truth be told, most Texans’ brains are missing. It explains a lot,”  Simplem said.

“The American flag flew over a slave nation for over 100 years,” said Marshal Davis, President of the Sons of the Confederacy and a resident of Waco, Texas.  “The Confederate flag flew over a slave nation for four years. By comparison, the American flag is 25 times more a slave flag.”

Marshal Davis 3

Marshal Davis

 

 

 

 

HEADLINE – DEAD DOG FOUND

Posted in And now the snorting starts on November 8, 2014 by paulboylan

 

DEAD DOG

HEADLINE – WOMAN ATTACKS BOYFRIEND WITH BASEBALL BAT

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Crime and Punishment, fairness, Fiat Lux, gülen yüz, greannmhar, Headline, Headlines, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, Joseph Bleckman, kluchtig, lächerlich, love, News, neşeli, скарлетт йоханссон, Small Town America, The Great State of Montana!, بشار الاسد with tags , , , , , on November 1, 2014 by paulboylan

Angry Woman

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Okay, what did he do?

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Reproduction with permission of the Sacramento Valley Mirror, the greatest little newspaper in the world (Tim Crews Editor and Publisher).

HEADLINE – OFFICIALS SEARCH FOR CAUSE OF FATAL HAYRIDE CRASH

Posted in And now the snorting starts, Attorney fees, gülen yüz, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, Is that really Ellie Goulding?, kluchtig, lächerlich, Mysterious Mysteries, News, Paying Attention, Small Town America, Stupid News, Stupid People, The Great State of Montana!, The Wrath of God, The Wrath of Khan, USA! USA! USA!, Why do people in other countries talk funny?, سكارليت جوهانسون with tags , , on October 12, 2014 by paulboylan

Screen Shot 2014-10-12 at 11.38.34 AM copy

 

Hey Officials, here’s a hint:

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stupid people 1

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It appears stupid people are the cause.

 

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