FAT PROFITS


1642-long-tongue

People of Earth, it is getting tough out there.The rich are getting richer, the middle class is joining the poor and the poor are getting desperate.

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Well, there is a guy who has decided to fight the system and pitch in and do his part. But he is being sued and risks going to jail for his efforts – and it just isn’t right.  It isn’t fair.  And we have to do something to help him.

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Dr. Craig Alan Bittner is being punished for actually doing something to help the world. Dr. Bittner is a plastic surgeon that works at an exclusive Beverly Hills clinic. He specializes in a surgical technique called “liposuction.”Liposuction is the method of removing fat from lazy people with lots of money who want to look thin without exercising or dieting.Instead of joining a gym and eating less, these rich people would rather pay Dr. Bittner lots and lots of money to use tubes to suck the fat out of their useless, leach-like bodies.

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Dr. Bittner is very good at his job. Over the years he has sucked a lot of fat out a lot of fat rich people who paid him very, very well for helping them look thin without working for it like the rest of us must if we want to lose weight.

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Don’t jump any conclusions about Dr. Bittner. He is more than is just an over-paid janitor serving the pointless, selfish interests of the idle, over-fed rich. Liposuction is only what he does to earn a living.His goal – the passion that drives him and gives meaning to his life – is protecting the earth.Dr. Bittner is a serious and conscientious environmentalist.

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And that’s why he decided to invest his own money, time, and effort to develope a scientific method for transforming the fat he takes from his corpulent, parasitic patients and turning that fat into biodiesel he uses to fuel his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator.

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"It was your ass - and now it's gas...."

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Apparently, Dr. Bittner has a lot of fat on his hands – and not just any fat, but the very best fat. Rich people become obese blobs by eating the best food and drinking the finest beverages.The result is the creation of fat – or, as scientists call it “adipose tissue” that is so pure and free of chemicals like pesticides that it is perfect for the creation of bio fuel.

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Dr. Bittner is understandably proud of his scientific breakthrough. “The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel — and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner posted on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the earth.”

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Well, as we all know, no good deed goes unpunished.Some of Dr. Bittner’s patients are suing him for allegedly taking out more fat than required to make them look good.And state authorities are trying to revoke his license to practice medicine because making fuel from fat taken from rich people is somehow illegal.

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People of Earth, I ask you: what is the harm? Who is Dr. Bittner hurting by turning fat into fuel?His fat, rich patients aren’t contributing anything to our nation or the world.Look at the last eight years. We gave them huge tax breaks and de-regulated banking for the sole purpose of making them even richer. But, in exchange, they were supposed to invest in new businesses and create jobs. Did this happen? No. They took all of our money and kept it – and got fat eating expensive food that they bought with money they took from us.

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Now that the economy has collapsed, are they suffering? No, they are not. Not one of them has lost their job (they don’t work) or their homes (they own several).All they did was get fat.

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Well, the least they can do now is contribute the fat they made eating food paid for with our money to make fuel for our cars.That is the very least they can do. If I had my way, when they die, they would be legally obligated to donate their organs to poor people who need transplants.

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In this day and age – in this increasingly harsh economic climate -it would be a sin to throw fat out unused. It would be like throwing away money when people are starving because they can’t afford to buy food.

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And it would be equally wrong to punish Dr. Bittner for not only doing the smart thing, but for doing the economic an environmentally right thing.

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Please join me in doing something about it. I call upon all of my readers to join me in asking Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger to pardon Dr. Bittner.

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Don't laugh. Do you look this good?

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I’ve made it easy for you.Just go to http://free-bittner.livejournal.com/ and follow the instructions for sending an email directly to Arnold asking for him to pardon Dr. Bittner.I’ve even written the letter for you. All you have to do is click to join this grass roots effort to save Dr. Bittner – and to make the world a better place by encouraging using fat taken from rich people – fat made, in part, with our money – to make fuel to power our cars.

I’ll let you know how it works out.

 

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17 Responses to “FAT PROFITS”

  1. CyberRaool Says:

    That was phat!!

    Like

  2. That’s a lot of fat! Happy New Year, Paul. 🙂

    Like

  3. paulboylan Says:

    Hi, Betty! Happy New Year to you, too!

    Like

  4. Um, Happy New Year. Anything else I have to say just isn’t corpulent enough 🙂

    Like

  5. I think the doc is doing society a great favor!

    Happy New Year!

    Like

  6. paulboylan Says:

    He sure as hell is. Make sure you go to the link and send a letter to Arnold asking for Bittner’s pardon!

    Like

  7. DOOD.

    Happy New Year mate.

    Like

  8. paulboylan Says:

    Absolutely. Thanks, Moko.

    Like

  9. I guess my only question is: If the Dr. is going to be distributing it, will he be making a profit off the rich fat created by poor money?

    Happy New Year!

    Like

  10. paulboylan Says:

    Well, what he is doing is driving his SUV for free – which liberates that cash for other purposes, like eating in expensive restaurants. So I guess the answer is yes, Dr. Bittner does make a profit off of making rich fat into biofuel.

    So?

    Like

  11. Is this for real?!!! You seem to be missing the point here. First of all, there is good reason to regulate bio-wastes… infection control. What if they had decided to use EBOLA patients waste to power vehicles? Secondly, this physician has a record of false advertising and even on his website tried to mislead potential patients by saying he is board certified (he is… in minimally invasive radiologic procedures). He lies about his 10 years experience in liposuction (come to find out he took a two hour class somewhere and suddenly he calls himself a world-renown
    plastic surgeon!). Also, it has been revealed that neither the Lincoln Navigator or the other vehicle is capable of using diesel fuels (so another inflated lie). He is being sued by at least 3 patients because he not only took off too much fat but more horrific allowed his unlicensed girlfriend and assistants without any medical degrees to perform liposuction. PLEASE GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT BEFORE YOU ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO SUPPORT THIS CRIMINAL. Who by the way… has fled the country to “provide much needed liposuction for the poor
    in Bogota”.

    Like

  12. paulboylan Says:

    Jesse – No, it is not for real. I am absolutely positively kidding – which I hoped was obvious. I mean, how could anyone “support” that guy and keep a straight face?

    By the way, if you have a chance to read any other parts of my blog, please know in advance that I am kidding about all of that other stuff, too.

    Like

  13. paulboylan Says:

    I just re-read this blog entry. I am so obviously kidding that it disturbs me to think that anyone could possibly take me seriously here. What I need is a disclaimer saying something like “WARNING: TOMFOOLERY AHEAD” or “WARNING: JACKENAPE AND BUFFOON CROSSING.” But no! I refuse to pander to the lowest perceptive denominator! I will NOT warn people that I am just kidding. I won’t. That would simply ruin a lot of very good jokes. True, I may be the only one laughing, but doesn’t that count for something? If it doesn’t, it should. The point is, I may lack judgment but I have standards, and I will not compromise those standards unless I am given significant cash money.

    Like

  14. I apologize Paul… it’s not that I have a low IQ and cannot differentiate irony from truth. There are others on-line who are “seriously” standing up for this physician and his alleged criminally negligent behavior. Now that I know your work is satirical I can appreciate it more. Thanks.

    Like

  15. paulboylan Says:

    You are most welcome – but how do you know for sure those supporting Bittner aren’t pulling your leg? I’ve done that sort of thing advocating vivisection. All I did was keep a straight face and people though I could actually be in favor of that sort of thing.

    Like

  16. Your site is like a blonde with a barin. I love it. Jokes aside, very informative aricle and equally impressive design.

    Like

  17. paulboylan Says:

    I take that as a compliment, Judith. Tahnk you!

    Like

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