SARAH PALIN’S 2012 STRATEGY: (Part One)
I am now convinced that Sarah Palin will be the next President of the United States.
No, really. I’m not kidding. This isn’t a joke. Let me tell you why.
In a recent interview posted on Youtube, Palin “set the record straight” about her humiliating performance in the last election. Most of Palin’s explanation centered on her refusal to answer Katie Couric’s question “what newspapers do you read?” Most political analysts interpreted Palin’s refusal as an attempt to hide that she doesn’t read and isn’t very well informed. But that’s not what happened at all.
“We got it completely wrong,” admits US Political Thought Editor-in-Chief Zev Wlcshznksnk. “Palin didn’t answer because, if she revealed that she reads to stay informed, then she would have risked alienating her political base.
“During the Reagan Revolution, the Republican Party – a party of wealthy business interests – succeeded in convincing voters comprised of economically disadvantaged high school and college dropouts who lacked critical thinking skills to support Republican candidates,” Wlcshznksnk continues.
Other pundits agree. “The rise of the stupid voter demographic coincides directly with the decline in reading skills,” explains Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Research Director at the National Institute for Moronic Studies. “Those who lose the ability to think critically because they cannot or do not read enough become suspicious and resentful of anyone “smart” or who can “speak well” – a common reason many Republican voters said they distrusted Barak Obama.
When seen in this light, Palin’s failure to answer Couric’s question becomes shrewd, if not brilliant. Her recent explanation of her failure to answer only reinforces the growing appreciation for Palin’s political skill – and her potential to be our next President.
Palin said “to me (Couric’s) question was more along the lines of, do you read, what do you guys do up there, what is it that you read, and perhaps I was too fliffant [sic] in my answer back to her.”
If Palin’s explanation sounds like a poor excuse that makes no sense, then you are probably educated and read recreationally. But to a stupid person, Palin’s seemingly bizarre attempt to rewrite the question makes perfect sense. Stupid people are often asked questions they don’t understand or can’t answer. In response, they manipulate reality to hide their ignorance and/or incompetence.
“Stupid people believe their lame excuses because it is the only way to maintain their illusion of self-respect,” says Armando Schwartz, inventor of the Vegomatic. “By creating the kind of excuse that a stupid person would use, Palin is, essentially, encouraging stupid people to identify with her because if they call her out on her lies it would be the same as challenging their own dumb excuses for their own failures,” Schwartz concludes.
This explains why Palin is still out there saying stupid things. When she does, she is manipulating the media into pointing out and criticizing every dumb thing she says and does. And when the media does this, it forces stupid voters to take sides with Palin against those criticizing her.
“In order to appeal to stupid voters, it is essential to demonstrate inconsistency,” says Professor Alan Shainwooks of the National Institute for Stupid Studies. “Stupid people live in a state of virtually constant confusion as they try to figure out what is going on,” Shainwooks says. “And being stupid often goes hand in hand with having a poor memory. Combine confusion and poor memory with a stupid person’s almost pathological need to make up excuses for their failings and mistakes, and you get a person who can’t keep their story straight if their life depended on it.”
Palin amply uses this strategy. In response to her interviews with Couric, Palin first said she approved of the interview in advance. Then she said the McCain campaign forced her to do the interview. Then she denied saying that, claiming that the interview was her idea. And now Palin has returned to blaming the McCain campaign for forcing her to do it.
“A smart person would be concerned about Palin’s seeming inability to tell the truth,” says Mary Hemplin, an international authority on political trends and the author of The Rise of Stupididy in American Politics. “But a stupid person wouldn’t realize that Palin is constantly changing her story and contradicting herself because a stupid person will only remember the last thing Palin says, and how shiny the buttons on her sweater are.”
Palin’s contradictory statements also serve to distance her from the real reason John McCain lost the election. “McCain’s people knew they couldn’t win the election unless he could rally the stupid vote,” Shainwooks observes. “But McCain’s ultimate strategic blunder was not leaving the stage to Palin. McCain stayed in the spotlight. His rationality and intellect alienated enough stupid voters to keep them from voting, and that is why Obama won.”
Palin demonstrates that she realizes this simple truth. By repeatedly blaming the McCain campaign for her failures she is attempting to appeal to those stupid voters who didn’t vote in the last election. And with critical reading skills continuing to decline and fewer students being able to afford a college education, Palin is betting that, if she can realize the full political potential of the growing stupid vote, it could put her in the White House.
Clyde Scoggins, a Palin supporter, is grateful for Palin’s efforts to avoid alienating her political base. “I got alienated once,” Scoggins says, “and those little guys did medical experiments on me and I wound up naked in a corn field. I sure don’t want that to happen again.”
Get ready for a Palin administration, by golly.
This entry was posted on January 18, 2009 at 12:46 p01 and is filed under American Decline, Barry Goldwater, Brave New World, Cinema, Evil Smiley Face, Get a job, Hapax Legomenon, Hate Crimes, Headline, Headlines, Hubris, It's not what you think, Mad Men, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, News, Op Ed, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Politics, Pop Culture, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, South Korea, Stupid People, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, West Korea, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags Blowback, Children's Programming, hippy hippy shake, Its the LAW baby, Politics and the English Language, The Historical Record, The Sales Pitch, The Seeds of Revolution, The Vanishing, Troubling Ideas. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.