SARAH PALIN’S 2012 STRATEGY: (Part One)


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I am now convinced that Sarah Palin will be the next President of the United States.

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milk-out-of-nose

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No, really.  I’m not kidding. This isn’t a joke. Let me tell you why.

In a recent interview posted on Youtube, Palin “set the record straight” about her humiliating performance in the last election.  Most of Palin’s explanation centered on  her refusal to answer Katie Couric’s question “what newspapers do you read?” Most political analysts interpreted Palin’s refusal as an attempt to hide that she doesn’t read and isn’t very well informed.  But that’s not what happened at all.

“We got it completely wrong,” admits US Political Thought Editor-in-Chief Zev Wlcshznksnk. “Palin didn’t answer because, if she revealed that she reads to stay informed, then she would have risked alienating her political base.

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Zev Wlcshznksnk

Zev Wlcshznksnk

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“During the Reagan Revolution, the Republican Party – a party of wealthy business interests – succeeded in convincing voters comprised of economically disadvantaged high school and college dropouts who lacked critical thinking skills to support Republican candidates,” Wlcshznksnk continues.

Other pundits agree. “The rise of the stupid voter demographic coincides directly with the decline in reading skills,” explains Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Research Director at the National Institute for Moronic Studies. “Those who lose the ability to think critically because they cannot or do not read enough become suspicious and resentful of anyone “smart” or who can “speak well” – a common reason many Republican voters said they distrusted Barak Obama.

Dr. Krista Schnurstein

Dr. Krista Schnurstein

When seen in this light, Palin’s failure to answer Couric’s question becomes shrewd, if not brilliant.  Her recent explanation of her failure to answer only reinforces the growing appreciation for Palin’s political skill – and her potential to be our next President.

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Palin said “to me (Couric’s) question was more along the lines of, do you read, what do you guys do up there, what is it that you read, and perhaps I was too fliffant [sic] in my answer back to her.”

If Palin’s explanation sounds like a poor excuse that makes no sense, then you are probably educated and read recreationally.  But to a stupid person, Palin’s seemingly bizarre attempt to rewrite the question makes perfect sense. Stupid people are often asked questions they don’t understand or can’t answer.  In response, they manipulate reality to hide their ignorance and/or incompetence.

“Stupid people believe their lame excuses because it is the only way to maintain their illusion of self-respect,” says Armando Schwartz, inventor of the Vegomatic.  “By creating the kind of excuse that a stupid person would use, Palin is, essentially, encouraging stupid people to identify with her because if they call her out on her lies it would be the same as challenging their own dumb excuses for their own failures,” Schwartz concludes.

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This explains why Palin is still out there saying stupid things.  When she does, she is manipulating the media into pointing out and criticizing every dumb thing she says and does.  And when the media does this, it forces stupid voters to take sides with Palin against those criticizing her.

stupid_voter1

“In order to appeal to stupid voters, it is essential to demonstrate inconsistency,” says Professor Alan Shainwooks of the National Institute for Stupid Studies. “Stupid people live in a state of virtually constant confusion as they try to figure out what is going on,” Shainwooks says. “And being stupid often goes hand in hand with having a poor memory. Combine confusion and poor memory with a stupid person’s almost pathological need to make up excuses for their failings and mistakes, and you get a person who can’t keep their story straight if their life depended on it.”

Palin amply uses this strategy. In response to her interviews with Couric, Palin first said she approved of the interview in advance.  Then she said the McCain campaign forced her to do the interview. Then she denied saying that, claiming that the interview was her idea. And now Palin has returned to blaming the McCain campaign for forcing her to do it.

“A smart person would be concerned about Palin’s seeming inability to tell the truth,” says Mary Hemplin, an international authority on political trends and the author of The Rise of Stupididy in American Politics. “But a stupid person wouldn’t realize that Palin is constantly changing her story and contradicting herself because a stupid person will only remember the last thing Palin says, and how shiny the buttons on her sweater are.”

Probably can't read.

A stupid voter?

Palin’s contradictory statements also serve to distance her from the real reason John McCain lost the election. “McCain’s people knew they couldn’t win the election unless he could rally the stupid vote,” Shainwooks observes. “But McCain’s ultimate strategic blunder was not leaving the stage to Palin. McCain stayed in the spotlight. His rationality and intellect alienated enough stupid voters to keep them from voting, and that is why Obama won.”

Cardinal Stanley Moran

Cardinal Stanley Moran

Palin demonstrates that she realizes this simple truth. By repeatedly blaming the McCain campaign for her failures she is attempting to appeal to those stupid voters who didn’t vote in the last election. And with critical reading skills continuing to decline and fewer students being able to afford a college education, Palin is betting that, if she can realize the full political potential of the growing stupid vote, it could put her in the White House.

Clyde Scoggins, a Palin supporter, is grateful for Palin’s efforts to avoid alienating her political base. “I got alienated once,” Scoggins says, “and those little guys did medical experiments on me and I wound up naked in a corn field. I sure don’t want that to happen again.”

Clyde Scoggins (right) and his cousin, Hank (left)

Clyde Scoggins (right) and his cousin, Hank (left)

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Get ready for a Palin administration, by golly.

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26 Responses to “SARAH PALIN’S 2012 STRATEGY: (Part One)”

  1. Hold the fort. I need to go check a few facts. I’ll be back.

    Like

  2. What facts? It all seems truthful to me…

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  3. OK, there are no facts…just rumors. Rumor has it that there are hundreds of stupid people out there reading your blog (well, at least looking at the pictures) and now that you have let Sarah’s plan out of the proverbial cat bag, they WILL be passing it along to their cousins, and Meth dealers..thereby negating any plans she may have had for 2012. The onus is on you my friend…they now know she can read!

    Incidentally, I happen to know that the photo above IS NOT of Clyde and his cousin Hank. It is a National Enquirer Photo of Rush Limbaugh (on the left) and his significant other, Fernando, discussing who is going to pick up the prescription from the pharmacy.

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  4. I can’t find the National Institute for Moronic Studies. do they have a myspace page?

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  5. You betcha!

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  6. Doug – Yes. Everything I’ve written here is based on solid facts.

    JadedJ – If they read my blog, they aren’t stupid.

    uamada – The NIMS has a website. Visit them at http://wwww.ooooshiny.huh

    Chaz – Yep.

    Like

  7. Dear Paul,
    If it is not inconvenient I would appreciate an in depth interview with Dr. Krista Schnurstein. An interview where you really grapple with her opinions and penetrate right to the heart of the matter. I believe that photos (and possibly a soundtrack – although hearing you call your own name at the top of your voice could be distracting) would be an important visual aid. Please leave the Scoggin cousins out of this; although more photos of Sarah winking would never go amiss.
    Yrs & c
    L

    Like

  8. I’ll see what I can do.

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  9. Or even something with that final placard – which I initially misread as being about Palin’s plumbing

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  10. It worked for Reagan and Bush – I don’t see why it shouldn’t work for Palin.

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  11. Oh YAY!!!
    Sarah Palin/Tonya Harding 2012 !!!!!

    BLAHHHHHHHHHHH………………

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  12. Simon – The reason why a Republican candidate cannot win without pandering to the Stupid Vote is because the GOP came to rely on the Stupid Vote during the Reagan and Bush years. But it didn’t work this time because the Stupid Vote was split between those who voted for Pailn (they didn’t vote for McCain, they voted for her) and those who were turned off by McCain’s continuing attempt to be rational, which clashed with Palin’s message.

    Palin knows that, if she can win enough primaries and then pressure the GOP to go “Full Stupid” that she has a chance of squeeking by with an electoral win. And if it is close, the evil judges that smart Republicans put on the bench will manipulate the law to make sure Palin wins.

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  13. Oh I doubt Scalia and Katherine Harris can pull a rabbit out of a hat TWICE!!!

    I think Palin shouldnt quit her day job´. She´s TOO stupid. Palin is stupider then the stupid vote, even THEY say HUH, is that gal pullin ma leg? Does that Palin gal think I am THAT stupid?Even I ain´t THAT stupid…….

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  14. Reagan’s bush? Palin’s plumber? Obama’s bidet?

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  15. Stanley Gardiner Says:

    I like television.

    Like

  16. paulboylan Says:

    I like the way you think, Stanley.

    Like

  17. Kurt Weitzmann Says:

    Hillarious (that means funny)

    Like

  18. LuAnn Barr Says:

    The concept of a stupid voter certainly explains public educations apparent assault on reading by ignoring the importance of teaching comprehension. More stupid voters are needed to assure superstitious ideology over sience and reason. Afterall, a superstitious, ignorant, illiterate public is much easier for corporate interests to seduce, cheat and manipulate. And guess who is running our capitalistic government.

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  19. Thrush Limbrain Says:

    The ‘dumbing down’ of America continues unabated with such uncritical, simple minded, large scale acceptance of mediocrity that is personified in those like Palin. She is the ‘Chevy Aveo’ of politicians!

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  20. Thrush – Don’t misunderestimate Palin, or should i say the people behind her. Recently revealed emails indicate that she is “managed” by her husband and is merely the mouthpiece for others. If so, anyone interested in what she represents needs to look behind what she is saying – which is really the thoughts of others filtered through her bird brain.

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  21. A brilliant piece of farce, Paul. Check out my views on the “stupidity factor” at http://sites.google.com/site/myrabidopinion/the-stupid-factor

    By the way; where do I find part 2?

    Like

  22. paulboylan Says:

    I don’t think I posted part 2, Andy.

    Loved your piece. We think alike on this issue (and use many of the same photos).

    Like

  23. paulboylan Says:

    UPDATE: I am no longer convinced Sarah Palin will be our next president. She has more or less utillized her political notoriety to profit via media exploitation – which means she cannot now get elected.

    I now pin my hopes for change on Donald Trump.

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