THE NEW REPUBLICAN PARTY


young-disney1

By Paul Nicholas Boylan,

Columnist

[Reprinted with permission of the Sacramento Valley Mirror, where this article first appeared.]

The Republican National Committee (RNC) has chosen former Maryland Lt. Gov Michael Steele – an African American – to be its Chairman. Several RNC members said it was a historic moment for the party.

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Michael Steele frowning.

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“This is a dramatic sign that the Republican Party is the real party of change,” said current RNC chair Mike Duncan. “The GOP is seen as the party that can take a one hundred dollar bill and change it into four twenties,” Duncan said. “But now we will be seen as something else.”

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Incredibly white women

Incredibly rich, incredibly white women

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“This is the first step of our effort to reach out to the Negro voter,” said former Tennessee GOP leader Chip Saltzman – who distributed a CD to RNC committee members featuring a song called “Barack the Magic Negro.”

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Chip Saltzman and his brother Chip

Chip Saltzman and his brother Chip

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“The liberal media – which is controlled by the Jews,” Saltsman explained, “took that song out of context. I sent that song to each and every RNC member to alert them to the fact that American politics has changed, and we have to change with it.  I believe I helped get Mike chosen as chairman. The song pointed out that the Democrats have a magic Negro, so we need one, too.”

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“It is classic case of one-upsmanship,” Duncan agreed. “So they have a Negro. Well, our negro is better than their Negro,” he said. “The Democrats’ negro is a half-breed.  Our Republican Negro, on the other hand, is full Negro on his mother’s side and his father’s side.  No race mixing miscegenation here. None of our social conservative base can accuse us of promoting the mongrelization of the races.”

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Angering social conservatives

Angering social conservatives

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“And our Negro has a Christian name. An American name,” said Track Hemplin, an unemployed grade school custodian and Civil War reenactor. “Our negro is named Michael Steele.  Say it with me – ‘Michael Steele….’ sounds like a football quarterback.    But the Democrats’ Negro is named Barak Hussein Obama.  Hell, that sounds like one of them Mooslam terrorists.  If I’m looking at two male Negros, all things being equal, I would feel more kindly toward the one that isn’t a half breed and has a name that sounds American.” Hemplin admitted.

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“And our Negro has a kung fu grip. And he comes with a vehicle,” Hemplin added.

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Political pundits believe that the RNC’s choosing Steele is a sign of a more fundamental shift in Republican political strategery.  “Historically, racism has worked very well for the Republican Party,” said Dr. Krista Schnurstein, Professor Emeritus of the American Institute of Political Theory. “Racial hate was a unifier and a persuader. Poor, uneducated whites could be persuaded to support Republican candidates – who want to cut their wages, health care and food safety and keep them poor – purely because of their common hatred for black people.  Politicians could take advantage of racial stereotypes to create fear, which would then translate into votes for the “law and order” Republican candidates.”

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“But the effectiveness of racism vanished during Obama’s inauguration,” explained Herman Oberstein, a researcher with the Heritage Foundation. “White America watched in amazement as hundreds of thousands of black people converged on Washington D.C., and yet no one was murdered, no one was shot, no one was stabbed, no one died. Not one white woman had the letter “B” cut backwards into her cheek.  White America was astonished at how unexpectedly well-behaved all those colored folks were.”

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Norman Weisser, a freelance political consultant agrees. “There were no riots. No looting. Nothing,” Weisser said.  “When the world looked out at the faces of those watching and participating in Obama’s inauguration, they didn’t see white and black. They saw Americans.  And that spelled the end of racial division as a political tool.”

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Despite both parties embracing African Americans, racism is still very much alive and will be for the foreseeable future.

“Hate is still great,” proclaims Track Bramble, Exalted Cyclops, “and is still a powerful political force.  Just because the GOP don’t hate Negroes no more don’t mean we can’t hate Hispanics and Greeks – ‘specially those filthy illegal immigrants.  And homosexuals. It is still perfectly okay to hate homos.  And Mooslams.  And women who work outside of the home.  It is still okay to hate them.  And environmentalists. And wine drinking east coast intellectual elites.  And the theory of evolution.  And ugly people.  Dontcha just hate ugly people?”

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it is still okay to hate them.

East coast intellectuals: it is still okay to hate them.

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Republican Strategists, however, are anxious to “keep the eyes on the prize” – which is the growing demographic of stupid voters.

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“The true goal here is to convince stupid people to vote Republican,” said the Reverend Billy Bob, Director of the William Robert Law School and Christian Catering Emporium. “Let’s not forget that stupid people are forty-two times more likely to vote Republican than someone who can read and who may have gone to college,” Bob continued.  “Let us also not forget that stupidity is cross-cultural and cross-racial. Just as there are stupid white people who vote Republican, there are stupid black people that might vote Republican, too.”

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And Republicans will thank them for voting republican.

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And that is the true importance of the RNC picking an African American to be their chairman.  The choice was more than a sign of change:  it is a desperate and cynical gamble on the adamantine belief that black voters are too stupid to tell the difference between a Republican and a Democrat.

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18 Responses to “THE NEW REPUBLICAN PARTY”

  1. I wish you directed the news.

    Like

  2. Yes.

    PNB, why are you not in charge of stuff? It would make much sense.

    Like

  3. Bravo – back to your best. A splendid piece of invective!

    Like

  4. Hell yes Lerm.

    AND,

    It shows a distinct over abundance of free time on the behalf of our good man there PNB. BACK to F WORK. I should have got you to write the nasty letter to the cricket association…bloody hell. Nice Work.

    Like

  5. “Reverend Billy Bob, Director of the William Robert Law School and Christian Catering Emporium”
    ROFL
    you are wasted in law WASTED

    Like

  6. You gotta be a little bit wasted to come up with this stuff, eh?
    *snicker*

    Like

  7. You won me with ‘kung fu grip’. An undeniable political advantage in these uncertain times.

    Betcha the next GOP campaign starts with a deep voice over rumbling out
    “In a world gone mad there’s one man who we can turn to …”

    Like

  8. You were a worthless racist twit on JS and you’ve gotten no better here. Well, I had to have a look and I did. Ciao.

    Like

  9. lol @ Burstmode. Irony isn’t the act of ironing.

    Like

  10. Sir, I take your personal attacks very personally and I utterly, unequivocally, and uncategorically (if there is such a word) DENY being worthless.

    Do you actually believe that I wrote out of racism and not out of a desire to make fun of tokenism, which is a form of racism? Is it possible that you actually believe that?

    If you do, then your sudden emotional personal attack is a strong indicator that you are a Republican who doesn’t yet realize the party is literally over, and no gimmick like picking a black chairman for the RNC is going to change anything.

    And if not, then you may simply be stupid. Occam’s Razor does cut in that general direction, dude.

    As for the rest of you, thank you for “getting it.”

    Like

  11. Why is it that Australians seem to have a finer sense of irony than Americans? I am asking seriously. There has to be an explanation that doesn’t offend my sense of patriotism.

    Like

  12. The existence of Australia is an irony itself. England sent all the people it didn’t like to the other side of the world and we got to sit in the sun drinking beers while they were shovelling show off their crappy little econocars.

    Canadians don’t get irony either. Or at least Alanis Morisette doesn’t.

    Like

  13. I asked my son the same question as I drove him to school this morning. He immediately said “Australia is, in and of itself, ironic.” He independently came up with your answer. Lousy punk.

    Like

  14. Paul, its what we call taking the piss. It starts when we’re fighting off all the other sperm to get to the egg. We fight hard to get there first for one reason; before we set off we’re told there’ll be bacon to go with the egg.
    So after that major lie is exposed we’re always fine tuning our bullshit radars and irony tends to set off a few pings of its own.
    In case you’re wondering, the bacon quest remains a constant part of our lives.

    Like

  15. I must admit in all candor that I do love bacon.

    Like

  16. I can’t stop laughing. There’s nothing else to say.

    Like

  17. Auntie Mayme Says:

    It is all quite silly.

    Like

  18. Paul, although generally i would say that the only good thing about another lawyer entering politics meant that congress and the senate would just make a juicier target.

    However, you sir should definetely take yourself to the fevre dreamed capital of the US of A. In the end your country would thnk you for it!

    Like

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