A DREAM DEFERRED

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My house was recently remodeled, and I am disappointed. To make matters worse, my disappointment is causing me to question my goals and dreams.

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Me, standing in the wreckage of my dreams...

Me, standing in the wreckage of my dreams…

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My disappointment has nothing to do with the work that was done.  The construction company that did the work – North State Residential Development – did a great job.

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Rob - God of Electricity and other stuff

Rob – God of Electricity and other stuff

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The work was performed on time and on budget.  North State more or less built me a new home in five months.  No one in my neighborhood believed it was possible.  But these guys worked on weekends, in the dark and even in the rain to get the job done.

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The men responsible for my bitter disappointment.

The men responsible for my bitter disappointment.

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But every time I look at my new home I cannot put behind me the hopes I had when I originally decided to remodel my home. You see, I am an evil genius, and that means I have always wanted a secret lair. Allow me to explain.

There are lots of evil geniuses in the world – but they are not all created equal.Sure, there are high profile evil geniuses sitting around in big chairs, stroking persian cats and using their genius to plan and execute diabolical plans to threaten the world with the goal of getting rich.

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My role model - Ernst Stavro Blofeld

My role model – Ernst Stavro Blofeld

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Despite these few “stars” most evil geniuses live very humble lives. We have families. We go to church on Sundays.


Secretly evil.

Secretly evil.

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But we live secret lives where we dream of threatening humanity with extinction in order to become enormously wealthy.

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I am that kind of evil genius.  My extreme evil and my uncanny genius are well established.  How else do you explain my otherwise unexplainable success?  I’ve spent my life crafting a respectable persona that hides my secret evil identity – Professor Iniquitous.  Over the years I have hatched countless ingenious plans for taking over the world – none of which I have been able to execute.

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There is one primary reason why I haven’t taken over the world yet.  It isn’t the lack of sufficient evil.  If the editors over at Merriam Webster knew about me,  the word “evil” in their dictionary would have my picture next to it.  And I do not lack for genius.  I am always the smartest guy in the room and I know all of the answers to questions asked on television quiz shows.  Nevertheless, I lack the one thing that all successful evil geniuses possess:  membership in the Amalgamation of Evil Geniuses (AEG).

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The AEG is an international labor union that more or less controls all evil genius activity on this planet.  You can’t really be an evil genius without belonging to AEG.  And to join AEG you must have a secret lair – a private place to conduct your evil experiments and hatch your evil plans.

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So when my wife and I talked about remodeling our home, I was very excited about the possibilities of including a secret lair in the project.With a secret lair, I finally had a chance of joining AEG – and after that happened, it was only a matter of time before the world would be mine.

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The contractor at North State loved the idea.I talked to their architect, who drew up the plans and even made a 3D computer simulation of what my secret lair would look like after it was built.I sat there in the architect’s office as he showed me my underground secret lair – my future laboratory, my control room, my nuclear missile silo, my shark tank and the kitchen where my evil minions could microwave hot pocket snacks.It was a dream come true.

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Then I saw the price.  Underground lairs are very, very expensive.  So we began to reduce the project. The shark tank was the first thing to go.  I really didn’t need a shark tank.I could use other means to dispose of the secret agents sent to stop me.

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Then I gave up the missile silo.Nuclear weapons were old fashioned. I could eventually replace the nuclear missile with a much less expensive death ray.

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Even with these sacrifices, the costs associated with a secret lair were just too high to afford. More and more of what I wanted was cut away until eventually I was left with what amounts to a secret closet in the garage.

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Don’t get me wrong:the closet is very secret.  Unless you knew what to look for you wouldn’t really notice it.  But it is still a closet.  I can stand in it, but that’s about it.  I really cannot use it to menace the world.

And that is exactly what AEG told me when I sent them a picture of my secret closet attached to my membership application.They wrote and told me

The AEG New Member Selection Committee has decided to hold onto your application until such time that you improve upon your secret lair to meet or exceed AEG’s secret lair standards as described in the AEG publication “So You Think You Have a Secret Lair…” a copy of which is enclosed for your convenience.

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So I guess my plans for world domination are going to have to wait.  Maybe I should reconsider this whole evil genius thing.In the meantime, I am using my secret closet to store some gardening supplies…

Wait! That gives me an idea – a beautifully evil idea!  I can infect seemingly ordinary gardening supplies to spread bacteria genetically engineered to transform people from home gardeners into an army of zombie slaves!  Mooohahahahah!!

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I am back, baby!

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47 Responses to “A DREAM DEFERRED”

  1. Your AEG: are they aware they may well be infringing on the territory of the dreaded Evil League of Evil, led by the notorious and fearsome Bad Horse? I suspect the AEG is on very dangerous ground hear. Bad Horse is notorious and fearsome, as I mentioned.

    Still, you may find the Evil League of Evil more open to your approach than the evidently hide-bound AEG. Perhaps you should consider talking to them about your lair…

    http://www.evilleagueofevil.com/

    Like

  2. Too bad about the lair! But the rest of the place looks good. Is it completely finished now?

    Like

  3. I am disappointed in the AEG. I’ve known lesser evil men who are capable of poisoning the atmosphere in much smaller spaces.

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  4. The AEG is still stuck in the 60’s. Its time that the Evil Genius Industry became less regulated and started catching up with Modern Evil Theory. I’m sick of hearing these old-timers scoff at fresh ideas. How much evil will fall by the wayside because of outmoded rules and overly cumbersome bureaucracy? MET tells us that the physical attributes of a lair are far less important than the intent which built it.
    Sorry to sound as if I’m pushing the MET line but its time the old evil farts either aced up their act or let in some new blood with fresh ideas to see us through the 21st Century.

    Like

  5. You need to move to Australia – evil lairs are very affordable here, especially with the current exchange rate. Birmo has an evil lair, with bunnies and a gold plated hovercraft. Such things are chicken feed in this country. We have evil geniuses scattered throughout the major metropolitan areas. Goodness, if authors can afford evil lairs, Sacrimento lawyers are a snap for world domination!

    Like

  6. Behind every would be evil genius is a woman holding the funds for the lair (and quite possibly even more evil…)

    Like

  7. Sorry to hear of the AEG thwarting, but what sort of villain would you be if you weren’t thwarted regularly. Also have you picked out an arch nemesis yet/ They tend to be sticklers on the arch nemesis thing too.

    Like

  8. paulboylan Says:

    Flint – the Evil League of Evil is a bit more permissive than the AEG, but the retirement benefits aren’t as good.

    Kate – Yes, it is finished, and both my wife and I are very happy with the result. I will post some pics of the interior one day.

    Natalie – Evil is as evil does.

    Therbs – I more than agree. The AEG is ossified and out of touch with the times.

    Hughesy – My long term plans include emigrating to Australia, but not because of the available secret lairs. I am attracted to the broad-shouldered loose women.

    Doug – Part of my problem that my wife is not evil in the least, and thinks my passion for evil is a “cute hobby.”

    Barnes – The rules are very clear: I don’t get a nemesis until I secure a secret lair. As Therbs points out, the rules are antiquated and, for the most part, designed to perpetuate the status quo.

    Like

  9. My daughter would say, “whiner.” Here you have a perfectly nice little hobby and a nice little close for your hobby and you are concerned about what the AEG thinks? Well, of course you want to join them and you probably will one day, but only if you are willing to be patient and work really hard. You know, they don’t take just anybody. They want to know you are going to be a credit to the organization. Your closet is a good start, maybe those fine workmen could add a trap door, then you can get to work on your secret lair. Unfortunately it looks like you are going to have to dig the cavern yourself. As luck would have it. you’ll have a shovel handy.

    Like

  10. paulboylan Says:

    Janelle, as luck would have it, they did leave me a shovel.

    By the way, folks, my favorite client! (points at Janelle).

    Like

  11. WEARDO WHATS THIS EVIN ABOUT

    Like

  12. paulboylan Says:

    Amy, if you have to ask, then you really don’t want to know.

    Like

  13. hey i love your picture of the evil smiley face awesome dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    IT ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Like

  14. PUALBOYLAN YOUR THE WEIRDO SO STOP BEING MEAN~!!!!!!!!!!~!!!!!~!~!!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!!!!!~!~!!!!!~!~!!!!!!~!!!~!~!~!~!!!!!~!~~!! YOUR THE WEIRDO

    Like

  15. Kaitlyn: First, thank you for your compliment re evil smiley face; however, I cannot take credit for it: I found it searching google images.

    Second, I haven’t heard the term “weirdo” in probably 40 years. And how did you interpret a satirical essay lamenting my failure to procure a secret lair as being “mean?”

    I strongly suspect that you are either 10 years old or mentally challenged. If so, you are in good company. Welcome! If you get out of line I can always delete your comments.

    Like

  16. HEY ITS A JOKE 4 MY FRNDS
    He came at night, exposed my body,
    got on top of me, touched me,
    he bit, sucked, swallowed,
    when he was satisfied, he left
    I was hurt . . .
    Bloody…

    Mosquito

    Like

  17. lyrics of song smakthat
    Shady, Konvict, Upfront
    Akon, Slim Shady
    I see the one, ’cause she be that lady, hey!

    I feel you creeping, I can see it from my shadow
    Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo
    Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo
    And possibly bend you over, look back and watch me

    Smack that, all on the floor
    Smack that, give me some more
    Smack that, ’til you get sore
    Smack that, oh ooh

    Smack that, all on the floor
    Smack that, give me some more
    Smack that, ’til you get sore
    Smack that, oh ooh

    Upfront style ready to attack now
    Pull in the parking lot slow with the ?lac down
    Konvict?s got the whole thing packed now
    Step in the club, the wardobe intact now

    I feel it, don and crack now
    Ooh I see it, don’t let back now
    I’ma call her then I put the mack down
    Money? No problem, pocket full of that now

    I feel you creeping, I can see it from my shadow
    Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo
    Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo
    And possibly bend you over, look back and watch me

    Smack that, all on the floor
    Smack that, give me some more
    Smack that, ’til you get sore
    Smack that, oh ooh

    Smack that, all on the floor
    Smack that, give me some more
    Smack that, ’til you get sore
    Smack that, oh ooh

    Oh, looks like another club banger
    They better hang on when they throw this thing on
    Get a lil? drink on
    They gonna flip for this Akon
    You can bank on it

    Pedicure, manicure, kitty-cat claws
    The way she climbs up and down them poles
    Looking like one of them putty-cat dolls
    Trying to hold my w***** back through my drawers

    Steps upstage, didn’t think I saw
    Creeps up behind me, and she?s like, “You’re…”
    I’m like, “I know, let’s cut to the chase
    No time to waste, back to my place”

    Plus from the club to the crib it’s like a mile away
    Or more like a palace, shall I say
    And plus I got pal if your gal is game
    In fact he’s the one singing the song that’s playing
    Akon!

    I feel you creeping, I can see it from my shadow
    Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo
    Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo
    And possibly bend you over, look back and watch me

    Smack that, all on the floor
    Smack that, give me some more
    Smack that, ’til you get sore
    Smack that, oh ooh

    Smack that, all on the floor
    Smack that, give me some more
    Smack that, ’til you get sore
    Smack that, oh ooh

    Eminem’s rollin’, D an’ ?em rollin’
    Boo and ol’ Marvelous an’ them rollin’
    Women just h*****’, big booty rollin’
    Soon I be all in ’em an’ throwin? D

    Hittin’ no less than three
    Block wheel style, like whee
    Girl I can tell you want me ’cause lately

    I feel you creeping, I can see it from my shadow
    Wanna jump up in my Lamborghini Gallardo
    Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo
    And possibly bend you over, look back and watch me

    Smack that, all on the floor
    Smack that, give me some more
    Smack that, ’til you get sore
    Smack that, oh ooh

    Smack that, all on the floor
    Smack that, give me some more
    Smack that, ’til you get sore
    Smack that, oh ooh

    Like

  18. hej

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  19. very good

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  20. Thank you.

    Like

  21. c’est nul franchement appar le smail c’est trog nul c’est l’avie d’une étudiante alor je ne vais pas vous d’écrire toute les photo parce qu’elles son nul!!!!!! (j’ais dit,que le smail était bien)”entre parentaise” mai il y a mieu franchement commme smail alor vous devrier metre (des beau smail)est des image de stares connue donc en gro vous devrier tous changer et quand vous aurai fini vous me contacterer par mail est je vous referai une critique bon je vous laisse salut.

    Like

  22. J’ai peur mon français n’est pas assez bon comprendre votre commentaire. Cependant, merci pour commenter – bien que je n’ai pas compris.

    Like

  23. Remodeled? By fire?

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  24. Doctor Don – Nope. No fire. If the remodel resulted from a fire it would have cost me much, much less.

    sHANQ(etc) – Hola right back at you, amigo.

    Like

  25. paulboylan Says:

    You are free to pursue any kind of sex you wish, ffgjf. All I ask is that you wash your hands afterwards.

    Like

  26. I have nothing to say about your home remodel, or your lair. I just want to say, “what a great story!” I would have read on if there had been as many words. Thanks for that. extazia

    Like

  27. What a lovely compliment. Thank you!

    Like

  28. we need to save the earth not wreck it

    Like

  29. Lexy – Have you ever considered the possibility that we may need to wreck the earth to save it?

    Okay, I’m kidding. That was the Evil Genius in me talking. The very notion of destroying something to save it is – well, for lack of a better word – evil. I really couldn’t resist saying it.

    But let me take off my Evil Genius hat (it is a very evil hat) and say that the Earth doesn’t need to be saved and it doesn’t want to be saved. In the words of George Carlin, the Earth is going to shake us humans off like a bad case of fleas.

    So live it up while you can, Lexi, and smile when someone tries to lighten the mood with a joke.

    Like

  30. Well said, Sam. Qrt indeed.

    Like

  31. Hi i just wanted to know are you the illustrator of that smiley face?

    Like

  32. Anonymous Says:

    yah this scares me

    Like

  33. Anonymous Says:

    yah lexy we need to help the earth now wreck it

    Like

  34. f**k of

    Like

  35. paulboylan Says:

    LOL! There is nothing funnier than a misuse of the passive voice, and in this context, it is hilarious. You are okay by me, lol/.

    Like

  36. paulboylan Says:

    As much as I appreciate the offer, I must refuse, if not for the reason that I don’t know where you’ve been.

    Like

  37. Anonymous Says:

    g[yj=j\i][jk[gpfu khusigvosfgp;nolnjvjjlvk,hkcvhzjksx.p;kjph;h;;vf,vk kedus8ixkiv. kg,

    Like

  38. paulboylan Says:

    Who can deny Anonymous’ argument? Not only was it authentic internet gibberish, it eloquently expresses what we all feel about the subject.

    Like

  39. Cool

    Like

  40. paulboylan Says:

    What do you know from cool, punk?

    Like

  41. Tolle Seite die auf jedenfall auch uns gefallen duerfte. Aber auch meine Beitraege dürfte gefallen auch wenn sie sich um livesex.

    Like

  42. paulboylan Says:

    Erika – Wirklich? Nicht war? Ich treffe selten deutsche Frauen, die so eifrig sind, zu erfreuen.

    Like

  43. “More and more of what I wanted was cut away until eventually I was left with what amounts to a secret…”

    ^ Beautiful

    Like

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