HEADLINE – POLICE APPREHEND BIGGEST SERIAL KILLER


By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass. Press Writer – Thu Apr 30, 9:59 pm ET

LOS ANGELES – Police believe a 72-year-old insurance claims adjuster arrested earlier this month is the biggest serial killer in the city’s history.

“This guy is huge,” Capt. Denis Cremins said. “When we say we caught him laying around the house, we mean “around” the house.”

The suspect weighs over a metric ton and is so large that his arrest required two specially trained SWAT units just to put him in improvised handcuffs originally used to restrain emotionally unstable, bipolar hippos at the Los Angeles Zoo.

“We trained in Iraq, so my men are familiar with morbidly obese perpetrators,” Denis said. “But this is way beyond my experience.  How could he let that happen to him? He should be ashamed of himself.”

Serial killers often over-eat, said FBI profiler, David Carr. “It really is a big problem and it can lead to clinical depression. Without counseling and medical intervention, a serial killer’s uncontrollable appetite for fast food eventually interferes with their predatory activities, and when that happens suicidal thoughts are not uncommon” Carr explained.

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Source for headline:  http://largest-ever-serial-killer-captured.html

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7 Responses to “HEADLINE – POLICE APPREHEND BIGGEST SERIAL KILLER”

  1. He ate a lot of livers with a lot of fava beans. And a vat of Chianti.

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  2. barnesm Says:

    I saw the photos, he’s not that big, well not for an American anyway
    “weighing over a metric ton”

    I didn’t think you guys in the US of A knew how to SPELL metric, let along have a scale that measured it.

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  3. Cmon everybody, weigh in with your heaviest puns. I know you have a tonne of them…

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  4. bangarrr Says:

    How did he remain at large so long?

    Like

  5. You are a sick puppy Boylan.
    But I think I may have made this observation before.
    Being American though, surely he’ll beat the rap by blaming KFC or Maccas for making him so large and crazy that he just snapped and had to go on a rampage to payback all those insensitive types who picked on him about his size?

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  6. I was wondering what happened to Mr Creosote’s twin brother.

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  7. Christen Says:

    You should participate in a contest for one of the best blogs on the web. I will advocate this site!

    Like

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