A STRATEGY FOR THE REINVIGORATION OF THE AMERICAN REPUBLICAN PARTY: SOME MODEST PROPOSALS
People of Earth, it is looking bad for the American Republican Party. Reliable polls show that 19% of Americans now identify themselves as Republicans, compared with 48% just half a year ago.
And it is getting worse. Recently Arlen Specter – a long-serving moderate Republican Senator – became a Democrat. Even Joe the Plumber announced that he is leaving the Republican Party. You know things are bad when the GOP has become “too creepy” for Joe the Plumber.
The GOP is devolving into a “rump party” – i.e., a political party that, due to rigid ideology, becomes isolated from the main currents of national American life. Traditional “family values” Republicans should be very concerned about becoming a rump party, primarily because of the gay jokes it will inflict upon the GOP.
The Republican Party is shrinking because mainstream America no longer listening to the Republican message. Instead of developing a new, more relevant message, leading Republicans are shouting the old GOP message louder and louder, leading to bizarre results.
For example, Republican political leaders have just gone crazy opposing new federal hate crime legislation that includes “sexual orientation” as a category.
Here is how the new law would work: let’s say you punch someone in the face. That is a crime called battery. But under the proposed federal law, the penalty for that crime would be enhanced if you call your victim a “fag” before hitting him.
The Republican Party snapped into action to oppose this bill. Speaker after speaker in the House of Representatives forcefully warned that, if this new law is passed, it will “chill free speech.”
“So-called ‘hate crime’ laws actually serve only one purpose -” said Kevin Theriot, Senior Counsel for the Alliance Defense Fund, “- the criminalization of citizens based on whatever thoughts, beliefs, and emotions they have that are not considered to be ‘politically correct.’”
Mr. Theriot is wrong and anyone with half a brain knows it. The new law does not punish people for their thoughts or beliefs. Even if the new law passes, every American will still have the God-given right to hate anyone as much as they want. The new law doesn’t discourage you from walking up to any homosexual and saying “I hate you because you are a homosexual.” The law doesn’t discourage that – but it does discourage you from punching him or her in the face after saying it. The law does not “chill” speech, thought or feeling. It chills assault.
And that’s the problem. The Republican Party isn’t opposing the new law to protect free speech – the GOP is against the new law because they want to protect your right to punch a homosexual in the face because you hate homosexuals.
This does not play well with the “post-Bush” American electorate. The vast majority of Americans do not hate homosexuals, don’t care if they can get married, and can’t understand why the GOP seems hell-bent on promoting hate by opposing laws that discourage acts of violence motivated by hate.
“It has nothing to do with hating homos,” explains the Reverend Trip Knuckles, an Evangelical Christian. “Our opposition to the new law has everything to do with discouraging our children from choosing the homosexual lifestyle,” said, Knuckles. “Fewer kids will decide to become gay if they are afraid they might get lynched if they do. The new law undermines that fear by discouraging violence against homosexuals. And that’s bad.”
Arlene Smedby, Chairwoman for The New Republican Majority, sees a different answer. “In the beginning, we hated blacks,” Smedby said. “ And that worked great. Then came the Civil Rights movement and the American people stopped listening to segregationist slogans and passed laws against lynchings. But the GOP adapted, replacing blacks with communists. When the Cold War ended, the GOP adapted again by targeting homosexuals. Gay bashing has had a good run, but now it is time for the GOP find some other group to hate.”
Other leading Republicans also advocate reform. “We risk losing our national political influence if we refuse to change with the times,” said Track Hemplin, unemployed rodeo promoter. “I recommend we embrace homosexuals – not too close, of course, because you don’t know where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing – and refocus on hating illegal immigrants, especially the ones who refuse to learn English,” Hemplin concludes.
“Studies show that Americans will hate illegal immigrants just as much as they used to hate and fear blacks, commies and homos,” said Trig Smythe, just some guy waiting to buy crank outside of a Wasilla 7-11. “Hate is a traditional Republican unifying force. But exploiting hate can be tricky. We depended on enough people hating blacks, liberals and people with foreign sounding names to win the last election. We didn’t realize how few people hate blacks, liberals and foreigners, even if their middle name is “Hussein.” But I think we are on to something with illegal immigrants because they don’t speak English.”
“English is the American National language,” said SarahFan, an anonymous blogger. “I just want to punch people in the face who don’t speak English,” he/she/it said.
Will the GOP find a new group to hate before the party collapses? Only time will tell.
This entry was posted on May 11, 2009 at 12:46 p05 and is filed under American Decline, Antique surgical instruments, Barry Goldwater, Brave New World, dada, disembodied heads of the rich and famous, Droit Moral, Getting it Right, Hapax Legomenon, Hate Crimes, Hubris, It's not what you think, morbidly obese French revolutionary philosophers, morbidly obese gymnasts, Our animal friends, Paying Attention, Politics, Post Modern Knock-Knock Jokes, Small Town America, South Korea, The Matrix, The Wilhelm Scream, The Wrath of God, USA! USA! USA!, West Korea, What are you sick or something?, Why do people in other countries talk funny? with tags Children's Programming, hippy hippy shake, Politics and the English Language, The Historical Record, The Seeds of Revolution, The Vanishing, Troubling Ideas. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.