HEADLINES – Conservatives More Squeamish

By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass. Press Writer – Thu Apr 30, 9:59 pm ET
LOS ANGELES – Police believe a 72-year-old insurance claims adjuster arrested earlier this month is the most obese serial killer in the city’s history, weighing over a metric ton.


By Rhappi Kanasta, Ass. Press Writer – June 6, 9:59 pm ET

LOS ANGELES – People who squirm at the sight of bugs or are grossed out by blood and guts are more likely to be politically conservative, new studies find.

In particular, the squeamish are more apt to have conservative attitudes about homosexuality.

“Our studies show that the average conservative voter is more prone to wash their hands compulsively than the average liberal voter,” said Dr. Krista Schurstein, Lead Researcher with the Sam Houston Institute of Technology. “Conservatives find the mechanics of gay sex sort of, well, icky,” Schnurstein concludes.

A conservative’s enhanced sense of personal hygiene often translates into a reactionary sense of moral hygiene. “What is wrong with those homos?” asks the Reverend Billy Bob, Pastor and CEO of William Robert Christian Evangelical University and Dry Goods Store, Inc. “They insist on sticking body parts in places where God never intended them to be.  It’s just disgusting. And that’s why we won’t let them get married.”

But conservative disgust over gay sex does not extend to lesbians. “The Bible specifically prohibits sex between men,” said Religious Studies expert, Alan Shainwooks. “There is no mention of lesbo action.  I suspect that conservative men think about it all of the time without experiencing any sense of disgust or foreboding,” Shainwooks said. “It is the man on man stuff they are morally opposed to. Which, as I said, the Bible specifically prohibits.”

Squeamishness as the root cause for conservative political attitudes, however, may also explain the rise of fundamentalist Islam in Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan.

“Since time immemorial, men have been afraid of women because of the fear of contracting “cooties” from them,” observes Abu Salla, Islamic historian working for the RAND Corporation. “Although no medical authority has ever been able to confirm cooties as an actual disease, the widespread belief that a man can get cooties from a woman seems to be at the heart of efforts in male dominated societies to sequester their women and tightly regulate contact between the sexes, often under the guise of religious beliefs or traditional moral values,” Salla said.

Whether cooties exists or not, many fundamentalist Muslim men are afraid of contracting it.  “We are fighting against the Western Crusaders to protect ourselves from our women,” said Ibin Phartin, a Taliban fighter in Pakistan’s Swat Valley. “It is well-known that unregulated, close contact with women can endanger a man’s health.  And, if you’re not careful, they will spend all your money.”


One Response to “HEADLINES – Conservatives More Squeamish”

  1. Kooties? I’ve heard of these. Kooties are cute chicks from Cootamundra. They put out if you know the chorus of “Cootamundra Wattle”:

    ‘Hey it’s July and the winter sun is shining
    And the Cootamundra wattle is my friend
    For all at once my childhood never left me
    ‘Cause wattle blossoms bring it back again’

    This really annoys fundamentalist Muslim men because they don’t know the lyrics of this song because they’ve destroyed all their radios, cd’s, records, ipods, computers and rope-and-tin-can communication equipment. thus they never know how to seduce the cuties, or Kooties from Cootamundra. Thus they are rejected by these horny babes. This reinforces their desire to get to paradise in a hurry where busloads of virgins are awaiting them. Hence they blow themselves up, along with other people.
    Or are you talking about something else?


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