RECENT FAN MAIL
One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – recently wrote:
“you think you’re so smart but I am smarter than you and I rarely leave my house I spend all day doing research on the Internet looking up stuff about people I don’t like and then I spread gossip about them on the internet I hate you I hate Jews and the Pope and illegal aliens why won’t they speak english like normal people english is the national language and they should be forced to speak it or they should go back where they came from but as I was saying before you interrupted me you are a criminal and I bet all of your clients are criminals and you help them do criminal stuff I hope you die soon.”
Before you rush to my defense, sit back and think about what Penelope said. He may be an under-medicated, uneducated, cross-dressing racist kook, but he raises one valid point that is worth discussing. Most of my clients are not criminals, but some are.
Why do I represent criminals? It isn’t the money. Representing criminals doesn’t pay as well as you might think. Believe me, criminals rarely ever pay their bills. I don’t want to stereotype anyone, but I can tell you from experience that criminals are incredibly cheap. They hate spending money.
I imagine it is because crime doesn’t pay as well as it once did.
Whatever the reason, more often than not, my criminal clients do everything they can to avoid paying me for my time. So it isn’t the money that prompts me to represent them. I do it because I believe that there is only one thing more dangerous than organized crime – and that is disorganized crime. There is nothing that poses a greater risk to the public than a disorganized criminal.
Let me give you some examples (all of these really happened):
First: the Case of the Disorganized Jewel Thieves. Neiman Marcus is a high-scale department store in Beverly Hills that offer valet parking to its customers. Three masked gunmen robbed the Neiman Marcus jewelry department, but they forgot they parked their car with the valet, and so had to take off on foot through residential Beverly Hills to escape the police.
They were easily apprehended, but I think we can all agree that disorganized armed criminals running down the street dragging bags of money, jewelry and expensive shoes for their wives presents an extreme hazard to the community that could have been avoided if the criminals in question were a bit more organized and planned the robbery out in advance.
Next: the Case of the Disorganized Bank Robber. Some poor fool tried to rob a bank using a paper bag over his head as a maks to hide his true identity. But he forgot to cut holes in the bag so that he could see what he was doing and where he was going. To compensate for his failure to properly plan the heist, the robber kept lifting the bag up so that he could see – which allowed the bank’s surveillance cameras to get a good look at his face.
This idiot used a gun to rob that bank – which is dangerous enough without the person holding the gun blinding himself by putting a paper bag over his head. An organized bank robber would have presented less of a threat to the innocent bystanders in the bank.
Next: the Case of the Disorganized Drug Dealers. A police car in a nearby town noticed a car weaving back and forth as is traveled down a city street. When the car was pulled over, the police officer discovered that the car was weaving because the three men in the car were watching a video on a portable player while they were driving. More importantly, the video was an instructional tape designed to teach the viewer how to grow and sell marijuana. The police officer discovered one hundred pounds of marijuana in plastic bags piled on the car’s back seat.
I represent criminals because there always comes a time when I am sitting with them face to face and, after they tell all about what they did and they didn’t do, I get the chance to look them straight in the eye and ask “what are you, stupid?” Maybe, just maybe, they will realize they are too disorganized to be a criminal and, knowing that, they will give up their criminal aspirations.
And maybe they will pay their defense attorneys. That would be good, too.