One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – recently wrote:

“you think you’re so smart but I am smarter than you and I rarely leave my house I spend all day doing research on the Internet looking up stuff about people I don’t like and then I spread gossip about them on the internet  I hate you I hate Jews and the Pope and illegal aliens why won’t they speak english like normal people english is the national language and they should be forced to speak it or they should go back where they came from but as I was saying before you interrupted me  you are a criminal and I bet all of your clients are criminals and you help them do criminal stuff I hope you die soon.”


Before you rush to my defense, sit back and think about what Penelope said.  He may be an under-medicated, uneducated, cross-dressing racist kook, but he raises one valid point that is worth discussing.  Most of my clients are not criminals, but some are.

A thought criminal I would be proud to represent

A thought criminal I would be proud to represent

Why do I represent criminals? It isn’t the money.  Representing criminals doesn’t pay as well as you might think.  Believe me, criminals rarely ever pay their bills.  I don’t want to stereotype anyone, but I can tell you from experience that criminals are incredibly cheap.  They hate spending money. 

Hated paying his attorneys.

I imagine it is because crime doesn’t pay as well as it once did. 

Trying to bundle and sell hand job derivatives.

Trying to bundle and sell hand job derivatives.

Whatever the reason, more often than not, my criminal clients do everything they can to avoid paying me for my time. So it isn’t the money that prompts me to represent them.  I do it because I believe that there is only one thing more dangerous than organized crime – and that is disorganized crime.  There is nothing that poses a greater risk to the public than a disorganized criminal.

Let me give you some examples (all of these really happened):

First: the Case of the Disorganized Jewel Thieves. Neiman Marcus is a high-scale department store in Beverly Hills that offer valet parking to its customers.  Three masked gunmen robbed the Neiman Marcus jewelry department, but they forgot they parked their car with the valet, and so had to take off on foot through residential Beverly Hills to escape the police. 

They were easily apprehended, but I think we can all agree that disorganized armed criminals running down the street dragging bags of money, jewelry and expensive shoes for their wives presents an extreme hazard to the community that could have been avoided if the criminals in question were a bit more organized and planned the robbery out in advance.

Next: the Case of the Disorganized Bank Robber.  Some poor fool tried to rob a bank using a paper bag over his head as a maks to hide his true identity.  But he forgot to cut holes in the bag so that he could see what he was doing and where he was going.  To compensate for his failure to properly plan the heist, the robber kept lifting the bag up so that he could see – which allowed the bank’s surveillance cameras to get a good look at his face.

Didnt think it through.

Didn't think it through.

This idiot used a gun to rob that bank – which is dangerous enough without the person holding the gun blinding himself by putting a paper bag over his head.  An organized bank robber would have presented less of a threat to the innocent bystanders in the bank.

Next: the Case of the Disorganized Drug Dealers.  A police car in a nearby town noticed a car weaving back and forth as is traveled down a city street.  When the car was pulled over, the police officer discovered that the car was weaving because the three men in the car were watching a video on a portable player while they were driving.  More importantly, the video was an instructional tape designed to teach the viewer how to grow and sell marijuana.  The police officer discovered one hundred pounds of marijuana in plastic bags piled on the car’s back seat.

Organized criminals would have watched the instructional video before getting in the car, which means the drug dealers would have been able to keep their eyes on the road.These are only a few examples proving the point that disorganized crime can be far more dangerous and presents much more of a threat to the health, safety and well-being of the public than organized crime. I do not condone criminal acts, but I am far more afraid of disorganized criminals than I am of the organized ones. An organized criminal would never think this would work.

I represent criminals because there always comes a time when I am sitting with them face to face and, after they tell all about what they did and they didn’t do, I get the chance to look them straight in the eye and ask “what are you, stupid?”   Maybe, just maybe, they will realize they are too disorganized to be a criminal and, knowing that, they will give up their criminal aspirations.

Feels better than it looks.

Feels better than it looks.

And maybe they will pay their defense attorneys.  That would be good, too.

I can dream, cant I?

I can dream, can't I?

9 Responses to “RECENT FAN MAIL”

  1. This is good advice. I will keep it in mind for my next 7-11 heist. Bring bag with holes. Do not park car with 7-11 valet. Take the MJ out of the back seat…shit like that. Oh, and make sure the register has enough in it to pay my lawyer. Thanks Mr. Boylan.


  2. paulboylan Says:

    I consider those who are part of the JournalSpace diaspora as family. I represent family for free.


  3. I’m an Aussie, so therefore bred of criminal stock. So on behalf of my outlaw brethren i thank you for defending us from subjugation.
    Because as you know all criminal activity is all about person freedom.
    You are obviously aware of the need for wealth dispersal to those of us who are neither smart nor industrious.
    The fact that it is not a strong requirement to actually pay you for saving us from the indignity of longterm incarceration for refusing to live by the rules imposed upon us by a tyrannical government, is also really appreciated.

    so hand over your wallet before i stab you through the heart.


  4. (and i loved the E.A. Blair reference)


  5. paulboylan Says:

    Delighted you loved the reference. Orwell is one of my few heroes.


  6. But surely not paying an invoice would be a crime. You should see a lawyer about getting the money owed to you.

    I suspect ‘Penelope’ was my grade three Music teacher.

    Another criminal I would like to add to the stupid ranks, a guy who robbed the bank he used for his usual banking, and so the teller recognized his voice and then the bank robber tried later to deposit the stolen bills into his account.

    The police officer on TV was heard to decry, “this guy wasn’t a rocket scientist’.


  7. paulboylan Says:

    Barnes: I’ve thought about hiring an attorney to collect on my fees, but most attorneys I know are crooks.

    I heard about the guy who robbed that bank and considered using him as my example, but my research produced dozens of examples of stupid bank robbers – like they guy who was persuaded by the teller to fill out a withdrawal slip, and on the slip he signed his real name. Or they guy who a teller told “I’m sorry, but bank regulations prohibit robbers before noon. Please come back after lunch.” He did, and they had police waiting for him.


  8. Nautilus Says:

    I have never been caught committing a criminal act. Does that make me a clever criminal or innocent?


  9. Naut – you’re innocent I tells ya, innocent! Say nuffin’ to no-one and yez’ll be okay. And if them dirty cops come snoopin’ just hide in the ceiling.
    Hey Paul – we could like, send some guys to do collection for you.
    Penelope is a funny name for a ten year old boy with ADHD. And he hopes you die? So he hasn’t learnt that its part of the deal for all of us. Maybe that’s why he keeps on dragging around the carcass of his pet cat, Tiddles.


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