MOST OF THE RUMORS ARE FALSE

Coming soon.

One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – recently wrote:

“I bet your getting a good laff  writing about me in the valley smear laff it up jew boy I heard that the departement of justise is gonna file charges against you for getting fired for lying to elected officials! ha! they are on there way to arrest you right now I heard that you are cheating on your wife with oriental illegal aliens who dont speak english we should send them back where they come from along with all the other illegal aliens who wont speak English and welfare cheats and homisexual liberals I hope your afraid because of the stuff I heard about you from reliable sorses like my neighbors and other reliable sorses like my other neighbors and other people who know things about you that they heard from reliable sorses”

Penelope’s comment highlights a growing problem: what do you do when you hear rumors, especially when you hear them from people you trust, who probably heard them from people they trust, and so on, and so on?

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As Penelope’s email shows, there isn’t much you can do when confronted by a rumor other than spread the rumor and, if you spend most of your day on the internet, it is pretty easy to spread a rumor farther than ever possible before.  But what is an average individual supposed to do?

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An ordinary person really can’t do much to verify or disprove a rumor – especially the kind that is either started or spread by anonymous people on the Internet.  I, on the other hand, am not an ordinary person.  In addition to having webbed toes, I am fortunate to be an attorney with the skills and the connections needed to round up answers and get to the bottom of things – which means I can verify rumors.

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dr_strangelove

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So, as a service to a community that has been very good to me, I investigated some of the more prevalent and persistent rumors currently floating around and have determined whether they are true or not. I want to start with something personal, and then go on to rumors of a more general interest.

Rumor No. 1:  I am Jewish.

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Superficial similarities.

Superficial similarities.

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This rumor is false.  I really have no idea how it got started or why it continues to spread. People keep sending me emails arguing that the Holocaust was a “Jew plot” to discredit the Nazis. People call me to complain about Israel’s treatment of the Palestinians. Complete strangers walk up to me on the street to ask me when the next Barbara Streisand movie is coming out.

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We all know each other.

We all know each other.

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To set the record straight, I am not Jewish: I am Greek Orthodox, a faith that prides itself on being the oldest continuous version of Christianity.  Despite some similarities – e.g., Greeks have big noses, are notoriously cheap, are smarter than goyum (i.e., non-Greeks) and control the media – Judaism and Greek Orthodoxy have very little in common.  And then there are the goat sacrifices – which I would rather not get into right now.

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Hilarious at parties.

Hilarious at parties.

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Rumor No. 2:  The words “Butte County” mean something obscene in Latin.

Knows what it means.

Knows what it means.

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This rumor is false.  “Butte County” has no Latin meaning whatsoever.  The word “butte” is French, meaning “a small hill or mound of earth detached from any mountain range”  Coincidentally, “Butte County” mean “socially embarrassed potato” in Swahili.

The persistent rumor that “Butte County” is a foreign obscenity can be traced to a printing accident that took place shortly after Butte County was founded in 1850.  Butte County’s first Clerk,  the legendary Earnest H. Sockmender, ordered stationery that mistakenly read “Butt County.”  The mistake wasn’t discovered until 1853 when famed actress and exotic dancer Lola Montez was performing at the Yellow Foot Saloon in Biggs.

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Lola Montez

Lola Montez

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Rumor No. 3  Glenn County was founded by an insane polygamist wheat farmer who used a private militia to force the Colusa County Council, at gunpoint, to “let go of” the land that eventually became Glenn County.

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The Battle for Glenn County.

The Battle for Glenn County.

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This rumor is false.  Dr. Hugh J. Glenn – the prominent California wheat farmer and amateur dentist that Glenn County is named after – was not insane.

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Rumor No. 4:  Glenn County Superintendent of Schools, Arturo Barrera, is really a woman.

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Arturo Barrera

Arturo Barrera

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Despite my very best research and investigative efforts, I can neither confirm nor deny this allegation.  Barrera’s bodyguards – who seem to be with him 24 hours a day – make it impossible to get close enough to perform the examination necessary to either confirm or disprove the rumor. However, I’ve eaten with Arturo, and I can tell you from first hand experience that no woman can devour a bucket of fried chicken that fast or that vigorously.

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The next few rumors are relatively recent, and seem to be part of an attempt to explain why the Glenn County Superior Court decided to remodel a courtroom scheduled to be closed, and then spent more money in attorney’s fees than the remodeling cost trying to keep the remodeling details secret.

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Rumor No. 5:  Retired Glenn County Judge St. Evans killed a guy and hid his body in a “man-sized safe” for a time period longer than the one recommended by the Judicial Counsel. The “remodeling” was a cover story created to explain efforts to remove the evidence.

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Dont go in their closets.

Chambers of Mystery.

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This rumor is false and, frankly, it offends me that anyone would repeat it.  It is simply unbelievable that any judge would kill anyone (except for those two judges in Los Angeles) and violate the Judicial Council’s standards for body storage/disposal (again, except for those same two judges in Los Angeles).   Also, hiding evidence of judicial misconduct doesn’t explain the decision to install high-tech infrared remote controlled automatic window shades.

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Rumor 6: The Orland judge’s chambers remodeling project cost so much money because they are building a trans-dimensional portal that will be used by evil insectoid aliens to invade the earth and use people for food.

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It would look a lot like this.

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This rumor is seductive, lulling the listener into believe it because it explains so much.  People wonder why such a large amount of money was spent to remodel a room so tiny, but a trans-dimensional portal could easily fit in that tiny space with room to spare.  The large amounts of money spent trying to keep the project details secret is also explained by the need to prevent humans from finding out about the plan before it is too late to stop it.  Even the high tech electronic automatic window shades are explainable because it is well known that insectoid alien monsters – hungry for human flesh – are notoriously light sensitive.

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Dislikes direct sunlight.

Dislikes direct sunlight.

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However, no matter how tempting it is to believe this rumor, I cannot confirm it, and it is my firm opinion that it is probably untrue.

In closing,  I want to say that I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords and would like to take this opportunity to remind them that, as an attorney and lobbyist, I can be helpful in rounding up others to serve as a food source during their stay on our world – and I am willing to do it at a very low hourly rate.

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Such a deal, eh?

Such a deal, eh?

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8 Responses to “MOST OF THE RUMORS ARE FALSE”

  1. Control the media. Heh. When the general said “Slim Buttes” in deadwood. Heh. Dr. Hugh J. Glenn – interesting, and off to Wikipedia!

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  2. So are any rumours true?

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  3. paulboylan Says:

    Yes, but the ones that are true are unbelievable.

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  4. I happen to know that is a hadron collider, Paul. Sigh, I’ve been away, but now I’m back, and where do I make my first port of call (after the burger of course?)
    Even heavier sigh.
    There is a rumour going around that everything you assert is the work of a warped intelligence – is that true?

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  5. paulboylan Says:

    That is a big fat commie lie. I unequivocally deny that anything I assert – or so much as suggest – is the work of a warped intelligence. It is the pleasure of a warped genius. There is a difference and I am frankly sick of constantly pointing out that difference.

    Where you been, Annette?

    PS – your standing at Bedes page are slipping due to my new but as of yet unproven new strategy of reckless footy tips.

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  6. I’m glad that the rumour about Mutant Space Insects invading earth is untrue. I have just run out of cockroach baits thus the timing of such an invasion would be most inconvenient. I will sleep well tonight.
    Your footy tips at Bedes’ place are inspirational.
    Ms Hughes has been assisting in the construction of cattle walkways. She and her man read an article about the increasing rate of obesity in Australian children. They misread it and thought the article was about overweight cows so they built a walking track for them.

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  7. This same PENELOPE GLENN COUNTY has been harrasing me and posting horrible statements on the Topix Forum out of the Chico ER newspaper. I found this site, thank you so much for that, and posted a link to iy in every Topix forum she was being rude and mean to me in and oh my, you should see the post’s that came out of her after that. She even admit’s she knows you and that you were stalking her. I doubt that she is so horrible to everyone with a different opinion than hers. It’s quit funny how quickly she changed her tune when this link showed up. You should go read them. Anything in the forum about the President and the school speech he gave. I don’t believe the world is safe with her out running around. There are at least 7 forums she posts in their.

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  8. Cali – As much as I appreciate your sentiment, I am compelled by a strong sense of journalistic ethics to point out that the Penelope who I often quote is not the same Penelope that you reference in your comment above. As coincidence would have it, “Penelope” is a common pseudonym used by very sad people to create the illusion that they matter. They often use multiple nicknames to make it seem as if people agree with them. What is sadder than someone having a conversation with themselves?

    My Penelope is a treasured resource. I’ve never encountered a more pathetic small town idiot. As you can see, I often use my Penelope’s comments as a “hook” for my articles. Penelope (my Penelope, that is) if you’re still out there, please email me soon with some hate-filled moronic comment. The deadline for submitting my next article is looming.

    Like

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