EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: BARAK OBAMA
[In this frankly fictitious interview, President Barak Obama agrees to sit down with People of Earth and discussed rumors spread by his political opponents in an attempt to demonize him.]
PEOPLE OF EARTH: Mr. President, may I call you “Barak?”
PRESIDENT BARAK OBAMA: Sure. It’s great to be here.
POE: After this interview, can I refer to you as “one of my peeps?”
OBAMA: [Laughs] Why not?
POE: Great. Thanks. Mr. President – Barak – as you know, I write a blog that is read by at least five people, and some of them have concerns about both you and your presidency.
OBAMA: I am happy to answer any questions your readers have.
POE: Let’s start with the claim that you are a socialist.
OBAMA: I suppose I am a socialist.
POE: You’re admitting it just like that?
OBAMA: [Smiling] yes, just like that.
POE: Okay, what about the persistent rumor that you were born in Kenya?
OBAMA: That’s true. I was born in Kenya. My Hawaii birth certificate is a fake.
POE: Doesn’t that disqualify you for the presidency?
OBAMA: I suppose so. Next question.
POE: Um [ shuffling of paper]… there is a persistent rumor that you are a Muslim. Is that true?
OBAMA: It sure is, Paul. Allah akbar, death to America, and all that.
POE: One of my regular readers – who goes only by the name “Penelope” – believes you are the Anti-Christ.
POE: That is absolutely true, Paul. First of all, if you read your Bible you will see that I fit the description of the Anti-Christ.
POE: If you are a Muslim, what are you doing reading the Bible?
OBAMA: [Good natured laughter.] Okay, you got me there, Paul. I haven’t actually read the Bible, but I have seen all of the television specials.
POE: Aren’t you worried about admitting all this stuff?
OBAMA: Nope. Not a bit.
POE: Why not?
OBAMA: Because the people spreading these rumors are crazy. I should point out they are kooks. If I am not mistaken, they are a brick short of a load. A combination plate short of a taco. A few clowns short of a circus. They have a screw loose.
POE: Mr. President –
OBAMA: In fact, in some cases, they are a couple of cards short of a full deck. They are two fries short of a happy meal. A few trucks short of a convoy. Five cans sort of a six pack.
POE: What about –
OBAMA: These people are nuttier than a fruitcake. For example, the lights are on but nobody is home. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead. They are knitting with only one needle. They are not firing on all cylinders. They are driving on only three wheels.
POE: Maybe we should –
OBAMA: Look, these are the same people who believe the moon landing was faked and that there is a secret world government using black helicopters to spy on people. My accusers are ten pounds of crazy in a five pound bag, which means no one is going to believe them – even though this time they are right. For example, this happened at a town hall meeting held by a town hall meeting held by a prominent Republican congresman:
POE: That really happened? It wasn’t staged by an internet video comedy group?
OBAMA: It really happened.
POE: That lady sounded crazy.
OBAMA: They all sound, look, smell, walk, talk and breath crazy. No one – and I mean no one – is going to believe them. Here is another example. Do you know who Alan Keyes is?
POE: The crazy black guy who ran against you for senator of Illinois and keeps running for president?
OBAMA: That’s the one. He hired an attorney from California to file lawsuits to get me removed from the presidency because I am foreign born. Here is Keys and his attorney appearing on CNN. Please keep in mind this next video was posted on Youtube by people who want to prove I was born in Kenya:
POE: Keys didn’t sound all that bad.
OBAMA: Granted. But did you see his attorney? Her eyes move around independently like some kind of lizard.
OBAMA: The vid edited out all the times she interrupted everyone else. Her name is Orly Taitz and, as the screens hows, she is a dentist, a real estate agent – and she got her law degree from the – get this – William Howard Taft University in Santa Anna, California, and was admitted to practice law in 2002. So she’s been a practicing attorney for about seven years. According to http://www.obamaconspiracy.org/2009/01/dr-orly-taitz/ she is calling for the the United States military to rise up against me and form a new government:
“Obama “truth” squad and people like Secretary of State of Ohio Jennifer Brunner and all the others that have been collaborating with this Gestapo-SS establishment, they all should and would be tried in Nurenberg style trials for harassing, intimidating, blackmailing and terrorizing fellow citizens, for defrauding the whole country. Patriots of this country didn’t fight and defeat Nazi Germany to end up with Obamas, McCuskill, Soros, Brunner and the rest of this squad. I hope that the men in this country, particularly in our military will finally revolt against this travesty of Justice. If our government and our elected officials and our judiciary have failed us, then it is time for the new government, new elected officials and a new judiciary.”
POE: Mr. President, I admit she seems a bit – unusual – but I don’t see what you are getting at.
OBAMA: My point is – is this the best Keyes can do? I am sure Ms. Taitz is a fine dentist and real estate agent, but she has only been practicing law a few years and, she looks and sounds like she is – let me put it this way: these people could point up and yell “the sky is blue!’ and no one would believe them. So they want to call me a socialist or a communist or the anti-christ? Be my guest. The people trying to prove I wasn’t born here couldn’t have chosen a worse spokesperson to represent them.
POE: Maybe it wasn’t a mistake.
OBAMA: Okay, I’m listening.
POE: Maybe Keyes intentionally chose her because –
OBAMA: [Encouraging] yes?
POE: – because you and Keyes are really working together!
OBAMA: [Smiling and nodding] At this juncture I can neither confirm nor deny that rumor.
POE: But it makes sense and explains so much! Both you and Keys are black. Both of you are from Illinois. Both of you enjoy pasta puttanesca.
OBAMA: We also are both Freemasons.
OBAMA: [Laughing] No, not really.
POE: Are there any rumors out there that bother you?
OBAMA: Well, there is a persistent rumor that I eat puppies.
POE: They accuse me of eating puppies, too!
OBAMA: In my case, though, the rumor is true. I do eat puppies.
POE: So do I!
OBAMA: No kidding. I appreciate that. Okay, in your option, what is the best part?
POE: The front paws, of course. Deep fried.
OBAMA: I prefer the tongue.
POE: Not me. Too chewy.
OBAMA: Not if you cook it right.
POE: Well, that’s about all the time we have. I would like to thank Barak Obama – puppy eating, socialist, foreign born muslim anti-christ – for speaking with us today.
OBAMA: Hey, Paul, how about lunch?
POE: Sure, why not?