MY FAVORITE HOMOSEXUALS


Today I couldn’t help but notice homosexuals all over the place.

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I noticed three homosexuals while I watched television as I made coffee for my wife. I saw half a dozen more as I drove my son to school. I saw another two or three in the supermarket where I stopped to buy milk on my way back home. And, when I parked outside my house, I waved to Ted, my gay neighbor, as he was leaving his house to go to work.

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My gay neighbor, Ted.
My gay neighbor, Ted.

We chatted a bit and both agreed that the weather was fabulous for this time of year.

It wasn’t always this way.  At one time, not so long ago, I could go for months without encountering a homosexual or even noticing one on the street. Other than Richard Simmons, you almost never saw one on TV.

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Richard Simmons. Very gay.
Richard Simmons. Very gay.

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But things have changed.  The media today seems jam-packed with homosexuals – both real and imaginary. For example, on the television show Will and Grace, Eric McCormack – a fine, upstanding heterosexual actor – plays the part of a homosexual lawyer.

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Eric McCormack: not gay.

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While on the television show How I Met Your Mother Neil Patrick Harris, who is gay, plays the part of Barney, who isn’t.

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Neil Patrick Harris: totally gay.
Neil Patrick Harris: totally gay.

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(Harris also played the part of Doogie Howser, which disturbs me.  Somehow I cannot accept that Doogie is gay.)

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What the hell?

What the hell?

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It wasn’t always this way.  In the old days, you could go your whole life without noticing a homosexual.  You could be in the middle of a crowd without realizing you were surrounded by them. Your best friends could have been gay – and probably were – but you would never have known it because they did everything they could to look, sound, dress and live like heterosexuals.  And they were pretty good at it.  Some – like Senator Larry Craig – got married and even had kids just to avoid anyone knowing they were gay. You gotta admire that kind of effort.

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Republican Senator Larry Craig.   Gay - with children.

Republican Senator Larry Craig.   Imagine the effort.

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But now it seems that more and more homosexuals go out of their way to appear “gay” by embodying gay stereotypes.  I see lesbians every day with short hair, often wearing bandanas on their heads, dressed in flannel shirts, wearing extra-long baggy cargo/plaid/khaki shorts and walking in Doc Martins or Birkenstocks.

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(If you are a woman and I just described what you look like, and you are not gay, I’m sorry, but it isn’t my fault: you look like a lesbian).

Every day I see effeminate, lisping, mincing, fastidious, fashion-forward, musical theater loving guys who “simply adore” Betty Davis, and who go out of their way to demonstrate that they throw like a girl. (“Here! Catch!  Don’t I throw like a girl?”)


But I am not one to judge.  I mean that in a literal sense.  I tried it, and I was a terrible judge.  I couldn’t really accept the whole “innocent until proven guilty” slogan.  I mean, if the accused might be innocent, then why were they in jail?  They must have done something wrong, right?  When I found out judges are supposed to be “impartial” I realized I am not one to judge.

Not as easy as it looks.

Not as easy as it looks.

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Neither am I here to debate the issue.  I am not here to say whether the advent of open homosexuality is good or bad.  The last thing I want to do is get involved in a argument over whether homosexuality is a naturally occurring condition – like red hair and freckles – or a mental disease like acute schizophrenia that can be treated with intensive psychotherapy or drugs or even institutionalization.

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As far as I am concerned, both positions have merit, but I don’t want to get involved.

In all honesty, there is a limit to my ability to embrace this brave new world.  I feel I speak for many heterosexuals when I say that there is a certain “ick” factor associated with the concept, if not the practice, of homosexuality.

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We heterosexuals are trying to keep open minds, but we are wired this way and cannot help finding the picture below sort of unsettling on a visceral level.

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And let’s not forget the problems inherent in the persistent argument that the gay lifestyle is an abomination in the eyes of God.  I mean, Leviticus 18:23 really complicates the whole discussion, doesn’t it?

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Repressed homosexuals

Repressed homosexual (the one holding the signs).

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But I digress.  The point I am trying to make is that there are lots of homosexuals out there and I might as well point out the ones I like.  Here is a quick list of the homosexuals I approve of:

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Ellen DeGeneres:


Ellen is American’s Gay Sweetheart.

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She is smart.  She is funny.   She replaced Paula Abdul on American Idol.

When you see Ellen it is easy to overlook that she prefers to have sex with women.


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Karl Rove:

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Karl is one of my favorite homosexuals because he defeats the gay stereotype that male homosexuals are fastidious, well groomed and fashionable.  He does this by being fat and sloppy.  Snap! You go, Karl!

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And, to give balance to this column, my least favorite homosexuals are….

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Elton John:

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Elton hasn’t had a hit for years and that thing on his head is clearly a toupee.  Come on, Elton: spend the money.

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Rosie O’Donnell:

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I detest Rosie O’Donnell.  She is a loud-mouthed, annoying, pompous, self-important, corpulent idiot.  She discredits all homosexuals – especially the fat, ugly ones.


Well, that’s it for my thoughts on homosexuality.  I think I’ll have a beer and watch High School Musical. That show is totally gay.

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17 Responses to “MY FAVORITE HOMOSEXUALS”

  1. Lovely work sir.

    Rob Halford from Judas Priest. Invented heavy metal. Gay as the day is long.

    Like

  2. This isn’t work. Work provides me with profit. This is an obsession that knows no reason.

    Like

  3. Daylight hours are getting shorter, is Rob less gay in the winter?

    Like

  4. Rove is gay! I knew it! I just knew it! It explains so much.

    Like

  5. Elton John is NOT gay. He is wonderful.

    Like

  6. To quote that great thinker Homer Simpson: “I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. …”

    Like

  7. I hate to be pedantic but I was expecting to see at least one man in a frock.
    It can’t be that hard to find a shot of the old queen that runs the Vatican.

    Like

  8. Nup – can’t go there for Ellen Degeneris – she only has a following because she is apparently gay – bet she’s not! Bet she’s only gay because the producers took one look at her name and thought yeo, the american public, dumb as mud as it is, is gonna take that in as degenrate. chick on chick fantasy rubbish. I have seen an episode of her show, and if she was actually smart, she never would have signed the contract!

    Like

  9. Suzi Q
    Elton IS gay.
    Sorry.
    Boylan is possibly borderline, but Elton is totally on the other side of the Rubicon.

    Like

  10. Elton John isn’t gay – but he rooted a bloke who is.

    Like

  11. This really is my first time i visit right here. I found so many interesting stuff inside your weblog particularly its discussion. From the tons of comments on your content articles, I guess I’m not the only one having all the enjoyment here! keep up the good function.

    Like

  12. paulboylan Says:

    Thank you for the computer generated kind comments, sex filmiki. I adore your broken English! I will, indeed “keep up the good function.”

    Like

  13. Great post. I really enjoy it !

    Like

  14. paulboylan Says:

    Gabriel – Thank you for your kind comment. For some reason, my stuff tends to resonate with Canadians. I have no idea why.

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  15. I just had a great time reading this! Not only because it is well written, but also because it shows, in some weird way, that it’s slowly becoming acceptable to be gay in the USA (didn’t mean that to rhyme). Indeed, there was a time that being homosexual meant nothing but utter misery. But even right now it is very strange that the country that claims to be the land of freedom and equality, doesn’t provide that freedom and equality for everyone. Thank god that the tide seems to be turning.

    But I really must say two more things: Paul, the way you write is brill! You digress in a way that creates a heavenly piece of organised chaos (must be one giant party to live inside your head, I guess :)). The second thing I’d like to comment on is your gay neighbour, Ted… The photo shown looks like “Brokeback Mountain: 30 years after”. :s

    Anyhow, this piece is brill! I might check in every now and then to read more from you!

    Best regards from the Netherlands!

    Like

  16. paulboylan Says:

    I’m glad you enjoyed it. Feel free to tell all your gay Dutch friends.

    For more on my gay neighbor, Ted, go to: https://paulboylan.wordpress.com/2010/02/04/my-new-years-resolutions/

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  17. […] Photo Credit (You may also want to read his blog. He’s hilarious!!!) […]

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