HEADLINE – Ugandan gorillas join Facebook

Endangered Ugandan gorillas join Facebook, MySpace

By Rhappi Khanasta, Ass. Press Writer – Sat Sep 26, 10:53 am ET

KAMPALA, Uganda – Around 340 mountain gorillas — nearly half of the 740 remaining worldwide — have joined Facebook, Myspace and Twitter in an attempt to live it up before the end.

“I figured, what the hell?” explains M’bitah, a male silverback weighing 400 pounds (180 kilograms) who lives in Uganda’s lush Bwindi Impenetrable Forest National Park. “Maybe I can hook up with a willing female and have a little fun before I am shot, killed and eaten,” M’bitah said.

Despite their size — a male silverback can reach over 7 feet (2.1 meters) — the gorillas are threatened by poachers who kill them for meat, farmers and charcoal-burners who encroach on their habitat, and the indiscriminate bullets of rebels on the run.

“We Mountain Gorillas will probably be eaten into extinction within a year or two,” said Kampanga, a female adult mountain gorilla. “But I just got friended by five people on Facebook and 28 people responded to my tweet about scratching my stomach,” she said. “How cool is that?”

“We support efforts to include gorillas within internet based social networks,” said N’kita “Ernie” Ruzigandekwa, President and former Treasurer for the Ugandan Bush Meat Advisory Board, a nonprofit, corporate sponsored interest group that promotes eating gorillas. “The Ugandan mountain gorilla is an elusive creature that is much, much easier to sneak up on when concentrating on updating their Facebook profile,” Ruzigandekwa said.

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8 Responses to “HEADLINE – Ugandan gorillas join Facebook”

  1. Paul this is clearly ridiculous.

    Everyone knows there are no powerpoints in the jungle for the gorillas to charge laptops or phones.

    Like

  2. I get the feeling those promoting Gorilla internet inclusion don’t care if they can charge laptops or phones -just that they try.

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  3. I am not in the market for new friends, or female companionship, but I am wondering, where exactly does one buy this meat? I’ve been looking for something beyond Bison and dead cows to grill, and this sounds like an exciting culinary opportunity. Do you know if the Ugandan Bush Meat Advisory has a website?

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  4. “We Mountain Gorillas will probably be eaten into extinction within a year or two”….. what do you expect – they are soooo delicious

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  5. Man, that Rhappi gets all the good stories.

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  6. Jaded – you can order bush meat via the internet. Go to http://www.eateverythingthatmoves.net and see what is available. From personal experience I can warn you away from the California condor jerky – it tastes too much like baby harp seal which, as we all know, is a bit sweet.

    Barnes – I have often wondered whether this whole extinction problem might have been avoided if mountain gorilla tasted more like baby harp seal.

    Drej – I correspond with Mr. Khanasta, whom I believe is brain damaged. He is an inspiration to brain damaged people everywhere.

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  7. The most troubling and yet hilarious part about this story is that it’s true…

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  8. Yobbo – believe it or not, most people don’t yet realize that, when I write these fake news stories, I am riffing off of real headlines, which only means they aren’t reading the news – which is fine. Hopefully, the joke is not dependent on knowing what inspired the joke.

    Like

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