HEADLINE – Gosselin Kids ‘Wailing and Sobbing’ Now That Cameras Are Gone

Source: The Ass. Press

Posted: 10/21/09 19:15AM

Filed Under: News

Kate Gosselin’s children are “angry” and “acting out,” because their TLC show “Jon & Kate Plus 8′ (renamed ‘Kate Plus 8’) was shutting down because Jon Gosselin, the children’s father, believes the show is  harming his children.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, Kate described how much her kids enjoy being filmed 24 hours a day, every day.  “They love our crew, they love the interaction, they love the events. There is nothing harmful about it. They are angry.”

“We want the cameras back!” wailed five year old Hannah, one of a set of sextuplets born on May 10, 2004. “I can’t sleep without the lights and crew activity! I just made a breakthrough with my therapist, and for what? Now I have to start all over again!” she sobbed.

“This is all daddy’s fault!” screamed little Cara, known by millions for her adorable smile. “He willfully breached the original contract, thereby depriving the family of the benefit of the bargain. I hope mommy can obtain injunctive relief,” Cara said, before smiling adorably.

“The gaffer was going to show me where babies come from!” noted nine year old Madelyn.

Ass. Press has obtained a transcript of Kate Gosselin telling her children that the show has been placed on hold:

“Gather ‘round, kids. Hannah, get that out of your mouth; you don’t know where it’s been.  Kids, I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is that the nice and very handsome judge ordered your good for nothing, cheating, stupid, smelly father to give back the money he stole from you and mommie.  The bad news is that all of the nice camera people and show people with the candy and the toys are going away because you daddy doesn’t love you. Thats right. Your daddy doesn’t love you and he took a gun and tried to shoot the nice people with the candy and toys. Alexis, stop crying; I said stop crying you little bitch.  Mommy’s had a bad day meeting with producers and attorneys and hair stylists and fashion consultants and astrologers and she need just a little support right now, okay? But it’s okay to be mad. You can be mad all you want at daddy for leaving you and ruining eveything I worked so hard for. Did you know your daddy is sleeping with a teenager? And that he takes drugs?  And that he comes here at night when we are all fast asleep and steals your toys so he can give them to other boys and girls he likes better than you? So the next time I hear you cring for your daddy or saying that you miss him I want you to remember – and I’m talking to you, Collin – I want you to remember that your daddy hates you and that he ruined a multi million dollar, multi-year deal. Okay? Now go be mad for the cameras like to I showed you.”

Last week TLC filed a lawsuit in Maryland seeking damages from Jon Gosselin for failing to do what he is told. “Look, all he had to do was put up with her abuse for a while,” said a Hollywood insider on the condition of confidentiality. “So it was a failed marriage. So the show put his kids in a fishbowl of nonstop publicity. So what?  All he had to do was keep looking stupid and let her bitch at him on camera and everyone would get rich.  But noooooo, the moron couldn’t do it.  He totally screwed the pooch,” the insider concluded.

Ted Himmel, who represents Nala, the Gosselin family dog, denied any improper relationship between Nala and Jon Gosselin. “Although Mr. Gosselin has been commonly referred to as Nala’s ‘master’ and her ‘owner’ it would be a mistake to imply any kind of D/s or BDSM relationship between my client and Mr. Gosselin,” said Himmel.

Nala is currently negotiating with TLC to be the subject of a reality show tentatively entitled “Nala Gosselin: Life After Jon.”  Himmel was quick to point out that Nala’s relationship with Jon had nothing to do with the breakdown of Jon and Kate’s marriage and pending divorce.

TLC is currently negotiating with Jon Gosselin to host a new reality show tentatively entitled “Jon Gosselin’s New York City Bachelor Sex Pad.”

4 Responses to “HEADLINE – Gosselin Kids ‘Wailing and Sobbing’ Now That Cameras Are Gone”

  1. Great piece PNB… if only it didn’t read as entirely plausible truth…


  2. Excellent to have you back, with you keen insight and penetrating legal mind the Republic is saved.

    and with SH*t like this happen, heaven knows it needs saving.


  3. On the subject of lawsuits–
    Just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for your less than stellar work on my behalf. Please, don’t take this the wrong way. I want ALL to know that you are so brilliant that you know just what needs to be done and does it, even if it means appearing to be less than the distinguished advocate you absolutely are. Without a doubt you can put Kate to shame in the ability to vilify foe or friend. Oops, did I let that slip out? That’s OK I forgive you.

    Thanks for the laughs this morning. Welcome home.


  4. Dear God, what a freak show.
    Given the current trend of all these narcissistic nutbag parents wanting to exploit their children by feeding them to the media in order to cash in, I hope that by the time these kids turn 21 the lawmakers have come up with some sort of retrospective legislation so that they can sue them for depriving them of the peace and privacy that they need to develop into normal, healthy, human beings.

    Nice to have you back, PNB. Hope the jetlag settles down. We just had three days in Sydney and I still have the wobbles from bobbling all over the harbour on the ferries.


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