HEADLINE – Shooter Tried to Join al Qaeda

By Rhappi Kanasta

Sacramento, Nov. 10 (Ass.Press) – On Monday, ABC News reported that accused Fort Hood shooter Major Nidal Malik Hasan attempted to join al Qaeda prior to going on his bloody rampage.

Al Qaeda did not denounce Maj. Hasan, but was quick to distance itself from Hasan by providing the following rejection letter as proof of al Queda’s lack of involvement:

Dear Maj Malik Hasan:

Thank you for your interest in the joining al Qaeda. We enjoyed reviewing your application very much and passed it around to many people for review. We especially enjoyed the photos you included with your cover letter.

While we were impressed with your background and experience and appreciate your hatred for America, we have concluded that other candidates’ qualifications more closely match our requirements.   We sincerely regret that we cannot offer you employment with our organization at this time.

You have our best wishes for success in locating the career opportunity you deserve.  We will retain your resume in our files to review for future openings for up to six months.  In the event of an appropriate available position as a psychotic killer and/or suicide bomber, we will not hesitate to contact you.  We have many cell phones with pre-paid minutes that we can use, and even though our current location is somewhat remote, our cell phone reception is excellent.

We appreciate your interest and the time you have invested in seeking a position with Al Qaeda.

Very truly yours,

Abu Salla

Human Resources

PS – Although we appreciate your efforts to assist us, we are returning your CD containing your recording of a proposed Al Qaeda theme song.  Although the tune was, indeed, catchy, very singable, and would inspire fear in the hearts of those who serve the Great Satan, we nevertheless believe the music itself is derivative of the theme to the American children’s cartoon “Rocky and Bulwinkle.” We are currently fighting a grim guerilla war against the imperial Crusader and we do not wish to become entangled in protracted – and expensive – copyright litigation at this time.






10 Responses to “HEADLINE – Shooter Tried to Join al Qaeda”

  1. C’mon, this is crass, and more to the point, completely implausible. It’d be Fox who’d be reporting stories like this, surely.


  2. I admit it is crass and in bad taste. I am getting grief for posting it even as we speak (so to speak).


  3. I can’t currently remember the Rocky and Bullwinkle theme, so I have used my own mental music on a children’s T.V. theme. In my head, I inserted the theme to the Smurf’s. Your joke still worked quite well once I workshopped it and customised it for my memory 🙂

    While writing the above, “The banana splits” popped into my head, which seemed even more fitting. The energy levels were more correct, although it looses the visual association with old Father Abraham’s Al-Qaeda worthy beard.(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierre_Kartner)


  4. I didn’t intend a joke so much as a comment on the unbelievably absurd back story that is emerging. For me, as terrible as the killings were, it is even more horrible that the whole thing could have and should have been prevented. From what I am hearing the authorities knew Hasan had embraced a radical form of Islam, had attempted to contact al Qaeda, was really, really unhappy about being deployed to Afghanistan – and yet this clearly disturbed guy was allowed access to automatic weapons. Under such an unbelievably weird scenario, it is perfectly logical that al Qaeda sent this guy a formal rejection letter. The suggested al Qaeda theme song is just an extra absurdity that makes perfect sense in what is an increasingly absurd fact pattern.


  5. Paul, thank you you’ve produced my first laugh of the day.

    I agree with the quality of the media reoprting..sounds like a few people could be lsoing their jobs in the US Army. Afterall the Airforce lost the head of their Nuke command…


  6. When faced with a tragedy, Australians tend to laugh over cry. When we observe tragic results, and absorb the information, and then try to reset our minds to the job at hand with humour. Ad we will see humour when others might consider something ‘too black’. Well, ‘too black’ needs a laugh even more from our perspective.


  7. Which explains my affinity for your place and people, YB. Well, to be honest, not all of your places. Bendigo comes to mind as a place to avoid. And not all your people. The Bogans of Sydney do nothing for me.


  8. Paul ha you have not seen anything unitl you’ve seen the bogans of WA!!!


  9. Paul, you are well informed on places and subcultures to avoid. And with your previous travel, you know the places to go!

    I always liked the sarcastic “Paris, London, New York, Dubbo” T-shirts.


  10. Can you please behave like humans.

    How you think of taking any innocent person life’s?
    if you have issues cant you solve with discussion. who gave you right to take life’s of innocent people who have no idea what is your trouble or problem.
    only coward will do such acts..

    please resolve issues facing the world and scracfice your life for your goals not the innocents life

    no god will tell you to hit some one first


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