HEADLINE – Shooter Tried to Join al Qaeda
By Rhappi Kanasta
Sacramento, Nov. 10 (Ass.Press) – On Monday, ABC News reported that accused Fort Hood shooter Major Nidal Malik Hasan attempted to join al Qaeda prior to going on his bloody rampage.
Al Qaeda did not denounce Maj. Hasan, but was quick to distance itself from Hasan by providing the following rejection letter as proof of al Queda’s lack of involvement:
Dear Maj Malik Hasan:
Thank you for your interest in the joining al Qaeda. We enjoyed reviewing your application very much and passed it around to many people for review. We especially enjoyed the photos you included with your cover letter.
While we were impressed with your background and experience and appreciate your hatred for America, we have concluded that other candidates’ qualifications more closely match our requirements. We sincerely regret that we cannot offer you employment with our organization at this time.
You have our best wishes for success in locating the career opportunity you deserve. We will retain your resume in our files to review for future openings for up to six months. In the event of an appropriate available position as a psychotic killer and/or suicide bomber, we will not hesitate to contact you. We have many cell phones with pre-paid minutes that we can use, and even though our current location is somewhat remote, our cell phone reception is excellent.
We appreciate your interest and the time you have invested in seeking a position with Al Qaeda.
Very truly yours,
PS – Although we appreciate your efforts to assist us, we are returning your CD containing your recording of a proposed Al Qaeda theme song. Although the tune was, indeed, catchy, very singable, and would inspire fear in the hearts of those who serve the Great Satan, we nevertheless believe the music itself is derivative of the theme to the American children’s cartoon “Rocky and Bulwinkle.” We are currently fighting a grim guerilla war against the imperial Crusader and we do not wish to become entangled in protracted – and expensive – copyright litigation at this time.