HEADLINE – SCIENTISTS PROVE GOD EXISTS

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By Rhapee Kanasta (Ass.Press)

CHICAGO – People with Alzheimer’s disease are less apt to get cancer and people with cancer are less apt to get Alzheimer’s disease, new research confirms.

“Discovering the links between these two conditions is absolute proof that God exists and that He has a sick sense of humor,” Dr. Catherine M. Roe of Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis, noted in a written statement from the American Academy of Neurology. “I mean, come on, the irony of Alzheimers protecting against cancer, and cancer protecting against Alzheimers is so mind-bogglingly awful that it cannot be a coincidence, and that means it is proof of Divine intervention in human affairs,” Roe concluded before jumping in front of a subway train.

“Since the dawn of civilization, philosophers have suspected that the sum of creation is one big joke,” said Father Timothy Murphy, Director of Religious studies at Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland. “Discovering that cancer prevents Alzheimer’s and that suffering from Alzheimer’s means you won’t die of cancer sort of confirms that suspicion,” Murphy said just after robbing a bank and kidnapping three women at gunpoint.

In future studies, “we would like to examine if God intentionally designed men and women to reach their sexual peak at different stages of life, thereby all but guaranteeing relational problems,” said Dr. Krista Schnursten, Senior Fellow at the National Academy of Ironic Studies.  “In time we hope to confirm that God is, indeed, a sadistic bastard. It sure would explain a lot,” Schnurstein said.

Source:  http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory?id=9411725

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16 Responses to “HEADLINE – SCIENTISTS PROVE GOD EXISTS”

  1. Hmm. Interesting. Even without that God bloke in the equation.

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  2. Aw, come on. This is hilarious. “The bad news is you have Alzheimer’s and will slowly lose your memory and physical abilities. But that means you won’t get cancer! So the glass is half full, right?”

    Like

  3. Yeah, evolution’s a bitch.

    Like

  4. thebooreport Says:

    Well, this certainly just about puts any lingering doubt I had to rest. Excuse me while I go randomly choose a religion to start worshiping this fella

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  5. Yobbo – When viewed in the new perspective I’ve just provided, evolution is hilarious.

    Kristina – Worshiping the fella could be a bad idea, if, indeed, He exists and proof of His existence is a supremely wicked sense of humor. If the premise is true, then human intelligence sufficient to allow religious worship might be part of The Joke. God – in all forms throughout the human experience – has really been unkind to his/her/its followers. The atrocities committed by the Catholic Inquisition alone is so ironic the human mind can barely comprehend its awful, horrible comedy.

    Which now gets me wondering about the whole “life after death” thing. Maybe belief in an afterlife is part of the joke. The faithful believe that, because they do the seemingly arbitrary and unfair things they think God wants them to do, that they will go to “heaven” when they die. What if God thinks its funny that people believe in something so fervently, and organize their entire lives around it, fighting wars because of their belief that their belief is the correct – and favored one – only to go nowhere when they die?

    Damn. I think I have my next column for the Valley Mirror.

    Like

  6. thebooreport Says:

    Hey thanks for the comments on my blog Paul.

    My previous comment here was meant entirely in jest of course.

    I’ve browsed through your other posts and I like the way you write. I will gladly be making more visits in future.

    Happy Holidays.

    Like

  7. I am taking offended through this message of intolerance and misunderstanding directed against Islam. The Prophet blessed be his name taught us that it is our task as men to obey the will of God and you say that His will is that we are clowns for His amusement so that means everything is wrong.

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  8. Raool, I have great respect for Islam in most of its forms, but I am really tired of Muslims who so easily take offense from imagined attacks against Islam. It makes all Muslims look bad in the eyes of non Muslims – and don’t tell me Muslims don’t care what the world thinks of their faith. They do.

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  9. You are being unfair to me because I am a Muslim man.

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  10. Not at all, Raool. I’ve been quite fair with you. But in the future I won’t be fair at all, and when I am unfair it won’t be because you are Muslim, it will be because you are a moron. Now, before you get all upset claiming I am calling you a moron because you are Muslim, let me make it crystal clear that I know morons who are Christian and Hindu. I even know a few Buddhists who are morons. The one thing you share with them is your lack of intelligence. In summary, you are a moron and I am using that insult free of religious, ethnic or political bias.

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  11. Reminds me of an awful joke:

    A man gets a phone call from the doctors. “I’m afraid that we have mixed up some test results, and we can’t tell if your wife has alzheimers or aids. We suggest sending her down the shops.”

    “How will that help?”

    “It doesn’t, but if she finds her way back, DON’T FK HER.”

    Like

  12. Look God exists, you may say you don’t know which religion to chose but god certainly exists.

    Facts:

    Law of big numbers: Our very existence is because the sun and the earth happen to be perfect distance apart and the earth happens to rotate perfectly on its axis so both sides of world get sunshine.

    How ever you explain being here big bang or creation etc someone had to create it i.e. someone had to make the big bang happen ….

    Apart from that religion you can argue is illogical, however since we have concluded that God DOES EXIST we should chose one based on the evidence.

    …. will end my lecture here – 🙂 choose a religion

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  13. I have chosen. I am Greek Orthodox.

    Of course God exists. I am not arguing otherwise. The question is whether proof that God is not loving and/or benevolent overcomes arguments that God is.

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  14. Law of big numbers? What kind of reasoning is that? The world is prefect in our eyes so someone had to create it? And that someone then created a perfectly helpless, naked creature who could not survive alone but is so greedy it cannot live in peace with others of it’s own kind and seems intent on devouring the planet created for it? What a joke.

    The rituals and camaraderie are comforting, but religion almost seems like part of the joke. Thankfully we have a sense of humor, proof of a loving God.

    Like

  15. Latest Christian News Online

    HEADLINE – SCIENTISTS PROVE GOD EXISTS | PEOPLE OF EARTH: ATTENTION

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  16. how to keep looking young forever

    . . . . . . . . . . . . By Rhapee Kanasta (Ass.Press) CHICAGO - People with Alzheimer

    Like

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