HEADLINE – Scientists find clue to killer of Tasmanian devils

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By RHAPPEE KANASTA, Ass.Press Zoology Writer – 2 hrs 51 mins ago

HOBART – Fierce as they are, Tasmanian devils can’t beat another marspial, unknown until recently, that top-flight Tasmanian scientists are tentatively calling Tasmanian Jesus.

Since 1996, the numbers of Tasmanian devils have plummeted by 70 percent. Last spring, Australia listed the devils — made famous by their Looney Tunes cartoon namesake Taz — as an endangered species.

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An international research team – lead by leading Tasmanian “scientists” – discovered the devils were being driven off by another animal wandering the Tasmanian outback doing good deeds and squeaking a message of peace and goodwill to the other Tasmanian animals.

“It’s awful to think there could be no devils here in 50 years because of Tasmanian Jesus,” said lead researcher Shelia Murchison of the Tasmanian University of Tasmania.

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Dr. Shelia Murchison

The devils, known for powerful jaws, fierce screeches and voracious consumption of prey, are the world’s largest marsupial carnivores. But they are no match for the supernatural goodness of Tasmanian Jesus, Murchison said by phone from Tasmania.

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The map of Tasmania, in all its glory.


“To solve this problem we are asking the government to arrest Tasmanian Jesus and execute the vile creature after a show trial,” Murchison concluded.

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22 Responses to “HEADLINE – Scientists find clue to killer of Tasmanian devils”

  1. I’m all in favour of stamping out Tasmanian Jesus. Worldwide, His followers have caused environmental devastation. Witness the sad fate of the Gaza Strip Wailing Pigeon, or the regrettably extinct Wikkan wallaby, once free to roam the green fields of Ireland daubed in woad.

    However, I refute your photoshopped slur on our Australian courts. Our show trials are conducted by primates only. Marsupials are sometimes called on to testify, but there are no ‘roos on the bench. In the top paddock, yes, but never on the bench.

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  2. […] by leading Tasmanian “scientists” – discovered the devils were being … Read more: HEADLINE: Scientists find clue to killer of Tasmanian devils … Share and […]

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  3. […] Excerpt from: HEADLINE: Scientists find clue to killer of Tasmanian devils … […]

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  4. We have a real problem locally with Tasmanian Jesus. I’m a pretty fair shot, and I’m not bad at keeping down the feral rabbits, the wallabies, and the feral cats. If I can get a crack at ’em from about fifty metres (so I can get in at least three shots with a bolt-action rifle) I’m even prepared to take down the Jumping Razor Spiders. (Less than fifty metres and you don’t have time for three shots before they get to you. You really don’t want that. Less than fifty metres, and you absolutely have to have a semi-automatic at least for the Jumping Razor Spiders.)

    But what do you do about an animal that comes back from the dead three days after you shoot it? All other considerations aside, do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to EAT something like that?

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  5. […] more here: HEADLINE: Scientists find clue to killer of Tasmanian devils … By admin | category: University of TASMANIA | tags: council, devil, devil-research, […]

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  6. Oh, hey… don’t let me discourage you. The Jumping Razor Spiders really aren’t at all common, now that the Blackfang Bat colony has set up in the hollow tree up the hill.

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  7. paulboylan Says:

    Flint – Oh. That changes everything.

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  8. Your sex slaves get dental? Friendship is over-rated. Put me in the dungeon, Master. I’m excessively willing. *shudders submissively in anticipation*

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  9. paulboylan Says:

    Madam, it grieves me to inform you that there is no dungeon. The whole thing fell apart when, in addition to full medical they also insisted on retirement benefits.

    All kidding aside, I am reminded of multiple conversations I had with Muslim men many years ago when I was working in the MIddle East. These men had multiple wives and advised that having one or two wives is “…. enough; three, four, five – to many.”

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  10. Mmm. You’ll have to try to enslave me with your charm and wit. Your time starts… now.

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  11. paulboylan Says:

    Yeah (he says, and then inhales loudly through his nostrils, swallowing the snot). Whatever.

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  12. Now the Gorean sickness spills over here from the Burger.

    Estrogen poisoning I tell ya’.

    Next thing you know there will be talk of collaring and other sundry things.

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  13. paulboylan Says:

    Morgana is just pulling my leg, Rog (so to speak). However, in all honesty, I am a bit alarmed by the fact John has let that faff-fest go on as long as it has. There is a new dynamic at work, a social chatting dynamic that has replaced an idea based discussion dynamic. Sort of a facebooky kind of thing.

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  14. PNB … yeah, I get it … my tongue was firmly planted in cheek. And not my own. But that is neither here nor there and whilst disgusting I do aim to please and will go the extra mile.

    I agree with you on the faff-fest and changing dynamic. I blame Twitter as well.

    R

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  15. Ana Nymous Says:

    The faff-fest was amusing, but here you go, pnb, some idea based something:

    Flint–You’d fit in well in my neck of the woods. Get that gun and take care of the problem, save the taxpayers on the show trial. Only one small problem…you’re shooting the wrong game. Aim for the devils them there enviros are getting ready to spend your tax dollars saving and you’ll be forgiven for that little anti-lord slip-up, ‘specially if you happen to buck shot a couple of the enviros while you’re at it.

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  16. bondiboy66 Says:

    Prof. Boylan – are you aware of the other meaning of ‘Map of Tassie’? It’s the first thing that came to mind when I saw the picture of …. well one version of the map.

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  17. paulboylan Says:

    I am reluctant to admit that I am familiar with that expression, Bondi, but I didn’t have that in mind when I posted the map. I feel awful for missing the opportunity for an off-color pun.

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  18. Fortunately Tasmanian Jesus hasn’t figured out how to get to the mainland so we’re sort of contemplating recreating the wipeout of sentient life on the island just to make sure he never makes it. S’okay, people like Flinthart and his family will get enough notice to go off island for a month or so before we embark on the task.
    As for the Tasmanian Tigers all I can say is that’s what they get for being carnivores and competing with us for delicious meaty morsels and being noisy. Very noisy. Don’t worry about the Blackfang Bats down Flinthart’s way because the three metre long Slashtooth Monitor Lizards will eat them.

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  19. I hope the Prof Boylan lecture tour to the Antipodes has dropbear insurance, they are bastards those dropbears, it comes with FKN HVK side benefits

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  20. I think the Tasmanian Devil is one of the coolest creatures on earth. I would love to meet one and if I could, have him as a pet. I really would love to see a live one.

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  21. They are vicious creatures that would stop at nothing to kill and eat you.

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  22. yuri_nahl Says:

    Comrades, do you Imperialists know this guy? You all seem to be headshrinkers or something , so you could blab with his blog, should you chose to. I’m off to the oil barricades.

    http://richardblandford.wordpress.com/2010/04/19/i-got-the-aspergers/#comments

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