MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

It has been a while since I’ve posted anything in this blog. Due to national security concerns – and because witches might be watching – I can’t tell you where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing, but I can tell you that I’ve been fighting the Liberal Menace, and by that I mean my gay next door neighbor, Ted.

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My gay neighbor, Ted, and his special "friend" Glenn.

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And by fighting I mean avoiding him at all costs and calling the police every time he has a party and complaining about the noise even when there is no noise.  Although the police no longer respond to my complaints, and I’ve been warned – and I quote – to “cut it out or Mr. Friedman [that’s Ted] will press charges,” I remain ever vigilant in my quest to utilize any and all means to oppose what I call “the Gay Tide” – and by “Gay Tide” I mean the swelling, undulating wave of liberalism penetrating our country and threatening the very fabric of the American way of life.

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In other words, my gay neighbor, Ted.

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But I digress. It is a new year and the beginning of a new decade. I feel confident in my impression that, as each of you greeted this New Year, you wondered “what are Paul Boylan’s New Years Resolutions?”

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Ordinarily I don’t resolve anything when a new year starts.  It seems silly to make promises that either can’t or won’t be kept. It is so dishonest that it is un-Christian. Celebrating the New Year is really a pagan tradition founded by devil worshipers who glorified the “solstice” or something like that.  It is just like Satan to create a holiday where people get drunk and make promises they can’t keep.

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So this year I decided to defy the Dark Lord and make resolutions that I CAN keep. Here are a few of them:

1.  Destroy my gay neighbor, Ted.

Since my local police department has clearly been infiltrated by homosexual sympathizers – or worse, by vegan vegetarians – and, consequently, is unwilling to do anything about my gay neighbor – who is, by the way, filthy – I’ve decided to take a more direct approach.  I will go door to door and speak to all of my other neighbors and explain why we must all shun Ted.  If we shun him, he will have no choice but to either stop being gay or move away. Either result will satisfy me.


2. Run over fewer cats with my car.

In 2009 I ran over way too many cats, causing expensive damage to my car.

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Please do not judge me callous or uncaring because I mention cost as my first reason for resolving to kill fewer cats.  Even if I could run down cats cost-free, I would still resolve to do it less because I am quite fond of cats.

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But other animals that are not cats – such as dogs, squirrels, raccoons, possums, wild hogs, ducks, geese, turkeys, quail, pheasants, pigeons, crows, egrets, blue herons, deer, elk, snakes and/or emus – had better get out of my way.

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If I have to stop and wait for every dog, squirrel, raccoon, possum, wild hog, duck, goose, turkey, quail, pheasant, pigeon, crow, egret, blue heron, deer, elk snake, emu and baby seal to stroll across the road on their little legs or flippers, then I wouldn’t ever get anywhere and I might as well walk.

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3.  Ask more often “What would Jesus do?”

I take great pride in my sense of self-honesty, which is eclipsed only by my humility.  As I’ve said and written many times and say again right here right now without the risk of hyperbole, I am possibly the most humble man who ever lived.  But, in all humility, my sense of self-honesty compels me to admit that I could be a better Christian.  And central to being a good Christian is asking the question “What would Jesus do?” when confronted by problems.

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For example, I intend to ask myself the following questions during 2010:

What would Jesus do to stop Socialists form taking over America and taxing the wealthy so that poor people can get medical care?

If Jesus stands for anything, he stands for low taxes, property rights, helping working homeowners and punishing lazy poor people – like he did in Haiti.  I am fairly sure Jesus would not want poor people to have free medical care.

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What would Jesus do about the Negro problem?

You know what I’m talking about.

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Who would believe that American voters would choose Obama because McCain picked Palin as his running mate?  Since when did stupidity matter more than race? It’s downright un-American.

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And now we have a black Miss America (again). Doesn’t the Miss America Pageant know that picking a black Miss America will only encourage those people?

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I can’t figure it out, so I think I need to ask what Jesus would do about it.

Well, that’s it for now. My wife is reading over my shoulder and just told me that I am going to Hell.

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I need to take some time and explain to her why God would never do that to me. But what I really need to do is ask “What would Jesus do about a wife like this?”

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23 Responses to “MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS”

  1. Excellent resolutions, so excellent infact that I too shall as a resolution for 2010 vow to destroy your gay neighbour Ted.

    You also failed to mention the Jesus, as well as being for low taxes, property rights, helping working homeowners and punishing lazy poor people would also be for the right to own, fire and build big guns.

    I think if I Jesus was in the situation you describe with your life partner standing behind you as you type that I think what he would do would be to duck.

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  2. Oh boy, I simply can’t wait for good old Trip to come by. His comment will be along the lines of,

    – You should remove this disgusting blog and you should all repent. All of you fornicators. “And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever.” (Revelation 20:10).

    I too shall endeavour to eliminate your evil neighbour, Ted.

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  3. I would like to see you try and run over a Emu. They, in fact, run over you.

    And what would Jesus do?. He basically went for the assisted suicide for the benefit of the rest of us. Perhaps….maybe….?….just to save Ted’s soul of course. ;o)

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  4. Barnes – I read your comment to my wife. She says she thinks you are hilarious, but when she said it she wasn’t smiling. I love the woman, but she honestly scares me sometimes.

    Therbs – Whereas sometimes my wife scares me, Trip truly frightens me. Although, I secretly suspect he is really my mom messing with me.

    Moko – Emu farming was all the rage here in this part of Northern California for a while, until those investing in Emu farms found out how unruly they are and that there was no market for their meat, so they just let them go to run wild. People do run them down every now and then. I am told they BBQ up real nice.

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  5. Most spectacular drumstick EVAAAR

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  6. Most spectacular drumstick EVAAAR.

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  7. Its every true blue, dinky di, Aussie bloke’s duty to bbq our coat of arms – emu and kangaroo. I’ve done the roo bit and am now fascinated by the prospect of hunting wild emus (and emos) in California, scrambling their eggs and searing their unruly flesh on a hot plate. Sort of like what Trippy reckons should happen to the soulds of us fornicators.

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  8. Most spectacular drumstick EVAAAR.

    I give up if I can’t comment this time…

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  9. Therbs -I’ve had roo on a stick at a local county fair. It was pretty good. If you make it out this way I’ll arrange a wild Emu hunt.

    Moko – I’ve never eaten Emu, but I damn sure want to now. Best drumstick EVAAR you say?

    And I am hoping your inability to comment is due to inebriation and not moral repugnance. I apparently have Trip (God help me) for that.

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  10. Meh, Ted’s all right. It’s Glenn who’s the raving queer. Parading around naked all the time. Disgusting. I for one am sick of it. For how long are we going to be forced to have gay men’s genitals rammed down our throats??

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  11. No, you got it wrong. Glenn is rather sweet, always bringing me cookies that he baked with his own two hands. I don’t eat them, of course, for obvious reasons of hygiene and propriety, but it is still sweet of him to do it.

    Ted doesn’t deserve him.

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  12. Anna Nymous Says:

    “What would Jesus do about a wife like this?” Forgive her, love her and sweetly do other things our good friend Trip would disapprove of.

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  13. I think I need to meet Ted in order to gain more information on how to destroy him. I think he should take me to a couple of parties, and teach me how to dress better. Just for information so I can help you destroy him, of course.

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  14. As a true-gray Australian I have naturally eaten Emu. It tasted like fish.

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  15. Alas my conscience has pricked me. The emu actually tasted like a cross between goat and chicken – quite dark and gamey meat. Black snake tastes better than Common Brown and is less likely to kill you horribly within seconds during the “shopping” process. Unbelievably, it ALSO tastes like chicken, with a firm white meat. Best cut into 6″ portions and gnawed like an ear of corn. Assuming that corn had ribs. And a tendency to plunge needle-like fangs dripping with neurotoxic venom into your flesh, again and again and again.

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  16. Ana – Which is what I do.

    YB – I agree. I am often tempted to begin a relationship with Glenn, but solely for the purpose of gathering intel on Ted – who is, by the way, filthy and doesn’t deserve Glenn.

    Grebeard – I suspect the taste of Emu depends on what they are fed and how they are raised. Farm raised Emu doesn’t taste fishy or gamey at all.

    I would also enjoy sampling the snakes you describe. American Rattler is simply delicious.

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  17. Oh, and I will devote myself heart and soul to the destruction of Ted. You shall not strive alone!

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  18. Where’s Trip.? I miss him so bad. My life is even more meaningless since he’s been gone.
    Okay Greybeard, what about Tigers, King Browns and Death Adders? What are ya, man or a mouse?

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  19. Don’t know about Hell, Paul but you’re now defintely liable to spend eternity in Milton Keynes

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  20. A terrifying prospect, Chaz.

    Therbs – He pops up, recites bits and pieces of Revelations and doesn’t leave an email address or website reference. I have a feeling he has a busy schedule.

    Greybeard – With your help, maybe – just maybe – Ted will choose not to be gay.

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  21. Leave Ted alone. If he’s fat and lazy thats a good reason to dislike him, if you dislike him solely on the reason that he is gay, that is quite pathetic. Different people lead their own lives, why do people and society always have to comment on them? Him being gay doesn’t affect you directly. To disagree is one thing, to hate him for it is a bit nasty. Poor cats. I tend to really love cats, and hopefully not many more are going to be squished by your car. 😡
    The Haiti earthquake was a crisis. Do you really think they brought that act of nature upon themselves? Watch you in an earthquake or crisis like that and we’ll all point to you and tell you deserved it and brought it upon yourself.
    Get over being racist. America is made up of different races from different countries. Why shouldn’t black people be encouraged? They are a part of the country and are often stereotyped. How can we even hope for universal peace without peace in our own country? We can’t think that we are above another certain group of people with no evidence of who they are, and cannot based on stereotypes. I enjoy reading this blog and believe you are a well educated person, I just disagree on some certain points.

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  22. Sarah – Keep in mind that I am joking, poking fun at people who think and say what I wrote, then re-read the post. I bet that this time you will think it is hilarious.

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  23. valentinar Says:

    Hello i,m new in this Forums and i will to experiment the newinfo postated in this posts .I can see your web fromyahoo blog and i have tryed to register some minutes a go but this captcha was hard ro see but i manage it 🙂 This was my introduction in this community
    byby
    And this is my Creation 🙂 you can send to my e-mail

    Like

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