My son called home tonight and needed some help. He told me his car had broken down and he needed a ride. So I took off my robe, put on some clothes and drove to the place he said he would be waiting.
As I drove up I saw his car on the side of the road and beside it stood my son and a lovely young lady – one of his high school classmates. I quickly learned that my son’s car had not broken down. Instead, he was leaving a parking lot, attempting to cross a east/west avenue and turn left to travel east. For reasons far too complex for this bit of prose he thought the way was clear, but it wasn’t. He plowed over a raised island separating the two sides of the avenue, breaking his car’s front axle.
My son is very shy and is still clumsy with women. He was clearly embarrassed. And she was really a very pretty young lady.
I drove her to her home and then drove my son back to his. Eventually I ended up with my wife. I complained about the best laid plans of mice and men, of my son’s unfortunate negligance and his clear attempt at romance gone totally and irretrievably wrong. My wife peered at me and said:
“You’ve made bigger mistakes, and still kept the girl.”
Comrades, in safe deposit box of the Schikelguber family, following masterpiece was discovered with used condoms with names of ladies written on same, apparent “trophy condoms” of future Chancellor of Germany.
Meine Deuches Volk
Before I became the Fuhrer,
I was really destitute,
I tried to make ends meet,
By becoming a male prostitute.
I’d go to a be-bop joint,
Where the band was really jumping,
Try to find an old bag,
Take her home and do some pumping.
Many a night of ecstasy.
Was enjoyed by these old bats,
Whose privates smelled like the sandbox,
Of a hundred mangy old cats.
Comrade, humble self just returned. Following exposition may help explain recent departure. Then Comrade Gretbeard does not as far as I know.
Partial answer to conundrum follows and I will add facts as they become understood by mind weakened by horse and dog hypnosis assault.
Comrades, you will please excuse sudden and unexplained absence…. I, Yuri Nahl was in deep “de-mind control” therapy.
Because of the astute, observant Mr.Boondoggle, who noticed that the world-renowned black dog, the Afghan hound Momo, had let the hair on the side of his eyes grow long, (so his eyes could not be seen), he (Mr.Boondoggle) was able to extrapolate or infer that Momo was hypnotizing me every time he thought no one was watching. Furthermore, it was determined that Momo and the horses were beaming “mind-control rays” at me, using various methods, in order to make me enter a partial “Voodoo trance” .
Upon realizing these facts, I was removed to a dog and horse free location, where I would be safe from “mind-manipulation” by four legged animals. This was an old “Cold War” A-Bomb blast and radiation fallout shelter, buried underground, immune to most types of radiation, gamma rays, Voodoo Black and White magic, etc. (even though they were not cloven hoofed, [ the minions of the Fiend of Hell”] these horses and the dog Momo could generate magic storms equal to the output of the Vatican on Good Friday.) This “magic plasma” power is equal to ten lightning strikes and has caused the population of whole towns to have their hairdos become like Nick Nolte’s.
The horses were moved to a new location in the pasture right by the foundry and supplied with a tent, their wide screen TV, a supply of their special smelly hay they had ordered on the Internet with their voice actuated keyboard, and the pirated videos from Parkland College in Illinois, USA, which showed horses mating. (they had hacked into the Veterinary School files and thought these videos were ”OK horse xxx pornos”) They had been selling these “horse pornos” on eBay.
Now while I was isolated in safety and not susceptible to the horse “hypnosis rays,” the nerds looked around the horses stalls. There the nerds found , (1) A wireless keyboard, voice activated, (2) A number of LCD photo frames, with the dog Momo or one of the four horses on each of them, in head on poses looking intense, (3) Wireless connections to hook up the horses electronic contraptions to the foundry computer system, (4) Evidence of (hacked) code in the foundry computer, suggesting the horses had set up some hidden operation of their own, which was invisible, unless nerds were looking for it. (5) Miniature CS TV cameras,(closed circuit TV) (6) LCD picture frames set up in the horse stalls, and used as hard to notice TV monitors.
Using nerd mind power, mostly of the Chief Nerd Clyde, the significance of the hacked, almost invisible computer code was determined. It was shown that when I Yuri Nahl was in the foundry, The horses would be observing me with their miniature closed circuit TV surveillance cameras, waiting for me to sit down and relax, and perhaps take a draw on a medicinal “blunt” or “spliff” prescribed by the Doctor of Voodoo Medicine, Baron Samedi MD. Then using a camera in each horse stall, one camera aimed at each horse, they would beam “mind control rays ” at me, using the LCD photo frames the cameras were hooked up to, as a medium. These LCD photo frames were hung in the foundry lounge where everyone relaxed, including me.
Whereas, most people think that two live mammals have to be physically present in the same location to do hypnosis, this is not correct. A reasonable facsimile will suffice, such as the LCD picture frame “horse photos”, which in reality were “real-time” Video of the horses!
If I were to look at the “horse photos,” (which were supposedly for my viewing pleasure) they would stand really still. (and pretend it was a “photo”. not an active hypnosis medium.) I seem to have a recollection of a fly drifting by in one of the photos, but it just didn’t register in my mind, as I was probably partially under their “enchantment” or “spell”.
These devious animals had a “flash drive” type system in their hacked foundry computer, from which they played different “mind control” images, and murmurings, sort of like Jane Fonda exercise videos. Their software had face recognition capability, including detecting “yawing” of the subject being observed’s head, which allowed them to see if I was looking at their “LCD photos”. They had apparently hacked the software from an anti terrorist surveillance gadget at San Francisco airport. They used this to stop the murmuring and focused energy rays if I happened to look at their photos. At that time they were shown posed in a docile and relaxed manner, as if they had just munched an extra helping of their special smelly hay. (Which made them drowsy.) ( normally, they would then watch “Mr. Ed” videos, or get giant boners. or both.) This setup evolved into a self regulating hypnosis weapon, which could be turned on and left, while the horses were taking a nap for example).
These “fake LCD photograph mind control weapons” were constantly working, so there was no escaping the beams of energy. If Mr.Boondoggle had not noticed and diagnosed my symptoms, there’s no telling what might have happened, but I suspect it would have had something to do with attractive female horses. This “horse love” was their downfall. Dobbin had been composing a love sonnet to a female horse e-pen pal he had been courting and forgot to encrypt it,….There it was in plain text just by coincidence at the time when the nerds were doing their forensic code analysis, so the jig was up. This “love poem” also tipped the other horses off about Dobbin’s “love monopoly” and they wanted in. They checked on eBay to see if the stuffed “Trigger” (Roy Regor’s horse) was up for bid, so they could use it as a “sex toy” .
Much horse strategy had been planned, including their film careers.
Momo suggested that they reprise the “Mr. Ed ” show with Dobbin playing “Mr. Ed,” as the original “Mr.Ed” had passed over. They were planning on using Mr.Boondoggle as “Wilbur” since the original actor, Alan Young, was 90.
“You’ve made bigger mistakes, and still kept the girl.”
At that point I would have slunk away to my corner in the knowledge that I was completely out gunned and out classed and bound to lose
all future engagements.
Silence is often a man’s best defence, nay! only defence.
God also made men crazy enough to wear white linen suits in India, in
the 1800s just to see who was a sporting type.
That was because washing machines had not been invented yet and if you
didn’t have a heathen to do your laundry, you’d be f**ked.
God would have been watching, sneering, while the poor laundry boy
tried to find some clean water to wash this
white linen suit. Now he’d have to go down to some mangy assed
waterway, with the dead bodies of cows and men, and probably a few
other forms of life , all floating down to the sea, plus the devout
performing their ablutions
Some crafty devils came up with the plan of stopping the floating
bodies upstream then shoving sticks into the carcasses, and hoisting
little sails on them, plus the flag of the gentleman betting on the
corpse. This way, the heathens would release all the bodies at one
time and the colonials wold wager on them. In this way, there would be
two birds killed with one stone. The stiffs would proceed out to sea
with greater speed, and the heathens could skim off some of the
colonials ill-earned swag by various means since they made sure the
Raj were served an overabundance of alcohol to which a little opium
had been added. This expediting the departure of the dead had the
desired effect of cleaning the water a little so that the British
could sport about in white linen suits in India, in the 1800s.
Yuri, buddy, that was simply one of the funniest essays I’ve ever read. You have no idea how much I appreciate you. I may not always comment but I always enjoy your prose. But sometimes, like this time, I can’t stop laughing. I mean, come on, carcass and cadaver betting in old India: can it get any funnier than that?
At that time in history there was unemployment in a couple of related
industries. The “Hooded Cobra herders” were losing employment, as were
“Mongoose Herders” . It was discovered that the cobras were being
de-fanged and used as rectum cleaning devises, by the ladies of the
Raj. The ladies would stick the cobras into a silk bag and have their
houseboys insert them into their rectums. The cobras would panic, and their fluttering “hoods” were expected to scour any chunks of excrement clinging to the ladies rectums. When the cobra was suffocated, a new one was inserted by the houseboy so the unconscious one could revive.
Needless to say, this caused a cobra shortage, and put the cobra
herders out of a job. With no cobras, the mongoose herders were out of
a job. Speculation was rife. After all, how much cleaning does one
History tells us that there were various causes for the “mutiny” (The
First War for Independence” In India, the facts included in this
story were the essential substantive ones. The other causes were incidental.
………Professor Yuri Nahl. April 30, 2010
In Life what hope is always unto flies?
Tales of Beelzebub that shall come again
Smearing the Earth with his eternal stain,
House, Horse, Blow. While ever grease fries,
What matter which, or how, or even when?
If we but look beyond the swatter’s pain,
And trust the Future to write all things plain
Squashed on glass with the predestined pen.
This is their doom. Upon the blind blue sky
A little cloud, no larger than a hand.
Whether I live and shit, or shit and die,
I care not: either way I understand
To me–to live is a buzz; to die is gain
For I, I also, I shall come again.
Comrades, it has come to my attention that the Eastern predilection for prayer wheels may rub off onto the western world. This may cause a need for inspection of US government owned automobiles to have their hubcaps inspected for “prayers” as with every revolution the auto’s wheels, a prayer is said. This may seem to be exaggeration but it is not. “Jesus Rifles” in Afghanistan, causing a ruckus with the local Muslims. There are Internet, Digital, Electric, Wind, Fire and Water powered prayer wheels. The danger of hubcap based prayer wheels is immense, as with all that prayer, beamed at the wrong God, or focused to help the wrong cause, could do irreparable damage to the United States Republic. Even worse are the Thug-mobile type wheels that keep spinning. (The ones with the scimitars attached to them) They are reciting prayers even when the automobile is stationary, thus out-praying the non-spinning (non Thug-wheels) by an amount not subject to normal mathematical analysis. I urge you to write to your congressperson to establish a select committee to look into “stealth prayers” on the wheels of government operated cars. These are attached to the wheels by operatives of foreign governments such as “The Jackal” This may is as big a problem as any other un-American plot. Normal Americans may be influenced by a “normal appearing taxi ride to the airport”. We all have heard of “The American Taliban”, who suffered this fate , and switched from going to see his mother and signed with a gang of desperadoes.
Thank you Yuri! You have inspired my greedy Capitalist mind with a wonderful new means to rip off the American public, raise public nuisance levels to new heights and possibly bring down civilisation as we (but not necessarily you) know it.
Any large circular hubcap could easily be stamped during manufacture with a spiral groove of varying depth. This is the very technology of the analog musical devices of ancient times called “records”! A simple spring-stabilised arm pivoting vertically from the side of the vehicle would have a needle to run through this groove, converting the varying amplitudes into what I have named “Ultra-Low-Fi Sound Reproduction”. The resulting noise, further modified by uneven road surfaces and the random bouncing of the needle, would be projected through outward facing speakers in the sides of the boot (or trunk as you inexplicably call it, since your elephantine American vehicles should clearly have the trunk at the front). At low, cruising-the-boulevard, speeds, your “rap” music would be almost understandable and any scratching effects would be indistinguishable from the operations of the usual DJ.
The possibilities are enormous, by which I mean appalling. Islamists could record a different speech by Bin Laden on each hubcap and drive through New York. US military convoys could blast provocative comments and aggressive prayers as they travelled the highways of Afghanistan and Iraq. I don’t even want to think about this technology falling into the hands of Southern Baptists or Mormons.
Painted markings on these caps could also be arranged to spell out offensive comments at selected road speeds using stroboscopic effects. Skillfully sized and positioned holes could produce siren sounds or high pitched whistles that would drive every dog within a mile of the road insane. This may be the greatest advance in hubcap-based technology since Boudicca! I have of course reserved all intellectual property rights connected to these brilliant inventions in the name of Greybeard Inc.
Comrade Sir, you are a genius I must say. Your talent for product development will earn you a fortune when you arrive on the shores of the promised land. Just make sure you keep up your medical insurance because in the “land of the free, it ain’t free”.
Your fusion of old and new technology raises your stature because your vision is so above the mere vulgar acquisitiveness and lust for the banal so often thought of as achievements in this great land. A statue resembling your mortal self should be erected in a suitable location. My location would be near the Washington Monument, although I would feel more comfortable deferring to your superior judgment.
I feel that this unveiling of your unprecedented “New-Capitalist-Concept” deserves a celebratory day in your native land.
I feel that, at this time, should you chose to, you could start a religion with yourself staring as the “Savior of the Capitalist World”.