HEADLINE: GEICO Spokesman Insults Tea Party, is Fired

By Rhapee Kanasta Ass.Press Writer

LOS ANGELES – Geico Insurance today fired voice-over actor, Lance Baxter (aka “D.C. Douglas”) for calling Tea Party participants “mentally retarded.”

Baxter left a voicemail message with FreedomWorks – a conservative advocacy group that backs the Tea Party movement  – asking FreedomWorks what percentage of Tea Partiers are mentally retarded.

“This comment is deeply offensive,” said Tim Dunderson, Executive Director of GORGO, an advocacy group that supports the mentally handicapped. “A person who is mentally retarded suffers from a handicap.  Tea Partiers aren’t handicapped, they are just abysmally stupid. There is a difference,” Dunderson explained.

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Dr. Krista Schnurstein, a fellow with the Helman Institute, disagrees. “Tests show that the vast majority of Tea Party members are so stupid they are functionally the equivalent of people suffering from severe damage to the cerebral cortex, the part of the brain necessary for reason and memory,” Schnurstein said.

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Surprisingly common Tea Party mishap.

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“It is the God given right of every American to be stupid!” said Tea Party organizer Mildred Cranch just before walking into heavy traffic.

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A God-given right.

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“Obama wants to take away our freedom to be stupid!” Cranch shouted from the middle of the street. “He’s a godless commie bastard!  Worse than Hitler! Worse than Stalin! He is a secret Muslin! He was born in Kenya!  He hates white people!  He wants to give medical benefits to lazy niggers and wants faggots to be able to get married and he wants white people to pay for it all!”

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A sign outside Mildred’s house.

 

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“He came to me in my dreams and tried to kiss me!” Cranch shouted to wild applause from others like her.

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“I want my country back!” Cranch concluded just prior to being run over by a 1973 Chevy Nova.

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“That Nova was driven by illegal wetback Mexicans,” said Don Fislow, a Tea Party enthusiast, after Mildred was run down. “Those people love Chevys.”

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“It’s all Obama’s fault. He is a nazi socialist, smooth talking, Mexican loving, half breed, secret raghead. He is trying to socialize our medical system.”

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Don Fislow

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“Good thing Mildred has Medicare,” Fislow said.

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13 Responses to “HEADLINE: GEICO Spokesman Insults Tea Party, is Fired”

  1. Why are these Teabaggers attacking President Obama, I thought it was the English Parliament that passed the Tea Act?

    Being in Australia and totally ignorant of your current American politics I believe I the best person to commentate on these protests.

    Like

  2. Bringing the awesome once again PNB.

    Like

  3. yuri_nahl Says:

    Comrades, the fears of these fine Americans are understandable.

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  4. No, do go on Yuri. I’m sure we can get horse semen into this somehow. May need a shoehorn.

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  5. yuri_nahl Says:

    Comrade, these are the same people who went to the moon and back in 1968 or whenever it was. As incredible as it seems!

    I am at this moment trying to borrow Kate from Calvin for some preliminary themes regarding the marketing of the “Product Which Will Remain Un-named”

    It’s hard though, if “the product” had been created before 1950, it could have used a “Classic” moniker, having natural, non-chemical precursors.

    Have guaranteed access against large bond for many vats of semen for dousing of Capitalist ladies, in pump spray, or aerosol propelled, ( with non-toxic nitrous oxide, in case ladies have yearning for a between fellatio swig)

    Capitalist dogs will rue the day they passed up purchasing part of load on oil tanker “Aga Khan” (re-named “Exxon Valdez” ) full of splendid horse semen.

    I, Yuri Nahl, admit that my work has limitations, but does succeed in some instances. Have not succeeded in most important purpose, namely , finding rich old bat to become patron of yours truly, so that one can live life of decadent splendor.

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  6. Dear Paul,

    Thank heavens so many Australians are attracted to your usually accurate blog, as I fear that you’ve made an embarrassing mistake with the second photo above. You see, “Get a brains Morans” is not, as you may have thought, a misspelling of “morons” by the gentleman in the star-spangled bandanna. It refers of course to the Moran family of Melbourne, Victoria (see “Underbelly”). This photo was taken some time ago at a protest in Melbourne by well-wishers who tried to persuade the Morans to abandon crime, while there were still some left. Alas, they failed. The last adult – Desmond “Tuppence” Moran – was shot to death in a pub last March, following many other “absolute bloody Morans” to an early grave. His sister-in-law Judy Moran cannot be counted as (a) she is an in-law and (b) being currently charged with Des’s murder, she is also an outlaw.

    Furthermore the “GO USA” sign has been skillfully cropped. It was of course originally “GO USAA” or United Sex Abusers of Australia. His particular branch of that tawdry group may perhaps be deduced from his pro-“Cardinals” t-shirt. He has the unmistakable look of an ex-altarboy to those who know these things.

    I feel sure that you will be relieved to have these facts corrected.

    As for Yuri, I fear he has descended into the madness which so often accompanies the quaternary phase of his malady. This “natural hair-gel” scheme is doomed to failure and ridicule. Ah well, facilis descensus averno.

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  7. Abigail Says:

    Dash you and bollocks Greybeard, you stole my thought process. Morans-how apt for this topic.

    Paul this is wonderfully gold.
    Doc Y- hahaha.

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  8. yuri_nahl Says:

    Comrade women, happy mother’s day.

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  9. Another fine outing by Rhapee Kanasta. I sit in awe of this ace journalist.
    Awe, I tells ya, awe!

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  10. You have GOT to see his video come back to the whole GEICO – FreedomWorks thing! It’s hysterical!

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  11. paulboylan Says:

    HollyP – that was amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a finer piece of social/political parody-satire. Why did it take you so long to tell me about it?

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  12. I just watched it again, four years later, and it is even funnier.

    Thank you again, HollyP.

    Like

  13. Todays news has really gotten me down, I’m trying to get out more so I don’t watch the news as much.

    Like

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