HEADLINE: Montana GOP policy: Male homosexuality illegal

HELENA, Mont. – At a time when gays have been gaining victories across the country, the Republican Party in Montana still wants to make male homosexuality illegal.

The party adopted an official platform in June that keeps a long-held position in support of making homosexual acts illegal, a policy adopted after the Montana Supreme Court struck down such laws in 1997.

However, Montana GOP officials believe that targeting male homosexuality, leaving lesbianism legal, will satisfy social conservatives and prove the party’s tolerance.

“If you read the Bible real careful like, you will see that God doesn’t mention girl-on-girl action at all,” said Track Mannhole, Montana Tea Party spokesperson.  “God hates fags, not lesbians,” Mannhole concludes.

Perfectly fine.

Biblical scholars agree. “The Biblical prohibition against homosexuality is found only in Leviticus,” observes Krista Schnurstein, Director of Religious Studies at the Sam Houston Institute of Technology. “But only male homosexuality is criminalized and punished by death,” Schnurstein continues. “The writers of the Torah conspicuously left out any mention of female homosexuality from the long list of prohibited activities.  It is almost as if they said ‘sex between men – forbidden; sex between women – no comment.”

"That which is not expressly forbidden is permitted."


This conspicuous biblical omission is at the heart of the Montana GOP’s new drive to outlaw male homosexuality. As Mannhole explains “If you think about it, it makes sense that those old prophets would exclude lesbians from the list. Male homosexuality is, well, sort of disgusting, whereas female homosexuality is sort of hot.”



13 Responses to “HEADLINE: Montana GOP policy: Male homosexuality illegal”

  1. Yeah, if you are a guy you’d have to be gay not to like girl on girl action


  2. GENIUS. That should make it go away.


  3. Yarrr. What be th’ prevailin’ opinion o’ transgendered sorts? Be it fiendish homosexuality i’ one o’ th’ laddies be far less a laddie than ‘ee were born, belike?

    Much confused I be by such ticklishly intellectual matters, an’ doubtless th’ guidance o’ the upstanding men o’ th’ Montana Republican Party will ha’ much o’ wisdom t’ offer, wi’ a wannion!


  4. Oh, for goodness sakes.

    All through the bible, you will find the word ‘man’ used in place of ‘mankind’. There was none of this politically correct crap about women being equal, therefore needing to be mentioned separately. Mankind is one species, and I always thought having to mention women separately was segregation.

    Also, Mannhole is wrong. Revelations states quite clearly that ‘Homosexuals’ will not go to heaven. No mention of man OR woman. So I think they’ve just picked out the scripture that lets them off the hook for having threesomes with buxom jewish women and their sisters. (I’ve heard about them kibbutzes!)

    The biblical scholars who agreed with him have obviously not been at bible bashing school very long if they don’t know this.

    And in my experience, those who condemn homosexuality the loudest are usually closet gays themselves. With a name like “Mannhole”, you’ve got to wonder.


  5. Cat – “Buxom?” The word is “zaftig.” Trust me on that.

    As for Revelations, the oldest text of Revelations seems to indicate that whoever it is who wrote it was referring to men when he referred to homosexuals.

    I say “whoever” because the jury is still out on whether St. John the Revealer is the same John who wrote the Gospel of John and walked with Jesus. I personally believe the Apocalypse of John (the original title for the Book of Revelations) was written sometime in the early 2nd Century, and was first written in Greek.


  6. So, in other words, I might possibly be wrong, but nobody can prove it?

    Hey, works for me!

    I’ll wear the zaftig, though (whatever that means). Mainly because the only Jew I know is my convert sister, who is more interested in talking about her sheep farm than about Jewish words. And there’s NO WAY I’m having a threesome with her. She’s a redhead.


  7. You’re right: no one can prove it one way or another. That’s what makes Biblical examination so exciting. The knowledge obtained forces an inevitable, deeply personal crisis of faith.

    Didn’t know I am a Biblical scholar, huh? Please don’t tell anyone. It will ruin the online persona I’ve so carefully crafted of being a total buffoon.

    “Zaftig” is Yiddish, and, like so many Yiddish words and expressions, is rich with meaning. It means full-figured, buxom, vivacious, radiant – all at the same time. Buxom can often be a veiled insult. Zaftig is always a compliment.


  8. “Written in Greek”. So it was the Greeks who first started this farnarkelling ’round with homosexuality. I’d always thought it was the Egyptians and which explained the lack of windows in their pyramids.


  9. I shall second Barnes’ comment. Zaftig eh? I’ll try that word out on some of my jewish friends. They’ll probably think I’ve gone all meshugginah though. Which is fairly usual.


  10. Actually, it would be “gone all Meshugga…” I cannot explain why. But it it true.


  11. Well I’ll admit my Yiddish is kinda sketchy!


  12. I can’t imagine they are serious…


  13. Bobby – I made this up. Sort of. The original headline read “Montana GOP policy: Make homosexuality illegal.” I misread “make” as “male” and, well, the rest sort of followed.

    But the truth is that the Montana GOP has the stated goal of making homosexuality illegal. They don’t distinguish between male and female homosexuality – but I bet they do in their hearts.


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