Ah, Christmas in America.  ‘Tis the season for adventures in commercialism…

Yesterday I received a holiday brochure in the mail.  The front looked like this:

Elves  bowling. What could be more “Christmasy” than headless Elves bowling?  The back of the brochure relayed a very exciting supplemental message, sure to please anyone interested in holiday bowling and every attorney with some time on their hands:

How great is that?  The two hours of unlimited bowling doesn’t really excite me, but two whole hours of unlimited shoes?  Who could pass that up? Not me.

So tomorrow I am taking my family, friends and neighbors and we are all going to descend, en mass on our local bowling alley and demand two hours unlimited access to all of their shoes.   All of them. For two whole hours. That’s what the advert says, and that is what I expect.

I anticipate resistance from either the proprietor or his staff.  They may not want to provide me with two hours of unlimited shoes.  I anticipate him or them saying that the advert promises two hours of unlimited bowling, not unlimited shoes.

But that makes no logical or grammatical sense.  First, all bowling is unlimited. You pay your money and you get to bowl. There is no way to limit that, so offering unlimited bowling is meaningless.

But shoes are always limited – one pair per customer.  So, I believe that it is reasonable to construe the advert as promising unlimited access to shoes, and that is something worth paying for.

I want to get a new pair every five minutes.  I want five or six pair near by “just in case.” I want them to give me shoes being worn by other bowlers.  That’s right – when it comes to shoes, I want it all. I want unlimited shoes for two hours.

And why am I restricted to bowling shoes? The advert doesn’t say “bowling shoes.”  It says “shoes.”  I want a pair of Manolo Blahniks.

I want my shoes. Keep ’em coming.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

7 Responses to “UNLIMITED SHOES”

  1. And Damn him sir if he isn’t quick about getting you those shoes.


  2. I wish I could see the chap’s face when you raise the issue of your legal credentials with him…

    Merry Christmas, Paul – to you and all yours. Absolute best of the season to you all.


  3. I am prepared to make his life a living hell and make him wonder often what concentric circle of the Inferno he is stuck in if he tries to deny me my quasi-contractual rights to unlimited shoes.

    The fact that I don’t even like to bowl is irrelevant. Truth be told, I am afraid of bowling shoes because, let’s face it, a bunch of bogans wore them before I did, and who knows where they’ve been. But that’s not the issue. The issue is my legal and moral right to unlimited shoes.


  4. But did you read the fine print DETAILS INSIDE?


  5. Merry Christmas, Paul, to you and yours. I hope someone puts a bottle of Gran’s Foot Powder under the tree for you – sounds like you’re going to need it.


  6. I was thinking what stupedously large bollocks those elves seem to have.
    Bit worried by the patterned dimples.


  7. Mmmm. Unlimited bogan bowling shoes. That equates to unlimited joy.
    Happy New Year as well as Happy Orthodox Christmas if”n you celebrate it.


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